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((LAVAL IS LOYAL TO LAVAL
I Still . Have A Dream
by Jay Witherfunk
I had a dream that Rhodes was cool.
Everyone had on a lye-die and the chiba ran rampant.
No, no that Wasn't it. Oh yeah, I remember. There were
a tribe of Rhodents who worshipped the squirrels. I asked one of
the professors of faith to show me why she believed. She took me
to the base of a tree, where, surely enough, a squirrel approached.
She nudged me and whispered, "Now you'll see!!!" The squirrel
looked around tensely for a few seconds then bolted up the tree in
a spiral. The squirrel-worshipper stared at me with pupils wide
and screamed, "DID YOU SEE THAT!?!? THAT IS WHY!!!!"
"Yeah, squirrels rock," I said. Oh shit. I'm sorry. Wrong
dream again. Too weird for Rhodes.
Really, the dream was this: I knocked down lhe door to
President Daughdrill's door with the smallest thrust of my
hulking shoulder and immediately proceeded to the back of the
room, where lay the magic safe to which I held the only key (won
through bloody battle with a maligned redneck demon). I opened
the door of the safe with slow, surreptitious, and scrupulously
mliloqous serendipity And light poured onto my face as I looked
ipon THE INSTRUMENT. IT WAS ... THE REMOTE CONTROL
10 THE BRAINS OF ALL RHODES STUDENTS (except for the
ucky few who have somehow managed to remove the deadly
mplant which is shoved al birth into the skull of all infants by
'he Man*)!!!!! When I picked the control up, lhe knob was turned
> the setting labeled the "Ralph Lauren/ Victorian Age/ sticks1-their-asses/ spoon-fed/'oh my god, look at her butt'/'[
lmrnpoo every day, don't you?' /'tell-me-how-lo-dance, I'm not
iat creative' /Tm okay cuz I'm rich, I'm white and· I'm
te' /please don't change this setting" setting.
This all seemed rather drab, so 1 ch~nged lhe knob lo lhe
. trng "chill daddy-o's" and the thing shocked my hands so ~ad
I dropped it and leaped out the
to
own
0 r wa1, no, I thin:k my dream was somelhmg different. ll s so
·t
· I
hard to remember your dreams some limes, you know·
J was in the jungle. It was dark. All I coul~ he.~r. w_~s l _
w
sound of my feet on lhe forest floor. The surroundmg silence was
b
ble The sounds of my footsteps were so loud lhal J could
un eara tl ·
l d d ·1 t l gt:•l
.
even see 1em· I tried lo imagine a black-lool 1e evt ·, ou · o d
me and I thought I heard him~ but maybe not. I .'.~a~me a
babbling brook thal slurped qmetly lo mark lhe pa~sa8.c of my
thoughts, but it soon returned. lo the silence. And I m JUsl now
seeing that my dreams are so stlly and unreal.
I don't km.i~v. But maybe you do.
I thought I dreamed that Rhodes was cool.
But it's really just a wet spot on my bed lhal I'll have lo
wash off later.
:~at'
windo~ ~y
de~is~··
* 'The Man' is anyone who knows where lo look when lhey see a
word with an asterisk.
>
"Stick to .
your etch1
M TI" ':.:
r. .
�Why You Can't Buy
a Rubber on Campus
ECONOMICS
-by stay joviall
by dauid sears
I think it's a function of angularity, ya
know, in the sense of two things coming together
with a certain fixed relation between them.
Definitely there arc overtones of inundatory inanity
involved, in an essentially egregious mode of
comportment towards itself and us as a community
of people acting like students.
And Rhodes is a churchy place... religious
hangups hang out like Damoclean bad breath. Not
that I have a problem with D~mocles' breath, or
religion, or hanging things -- it's just that two
lines or this situationality don't seem to be at a
right angle when you think of that nasty little virus
running around out there. Yes, the administration's
lack of rational responsibility forces the
responsibility on our heads as students, but I
suspect some lessons should not be so potentially
costly.
\
If I oNly HaD a GuNnnN.
by MlchAel AIAn LonG I
It'S LatE AnD DaNZig Is oN ...
IF I onLy Had A gUN.
TheN I'D Be DUNne.
ShE WouLD NoTICe mE.
And My fOOd WoUld Be hOT.
LifE WouLD BE mORe PG-13
I CoulD TeLL MY StoRIES And
ShOW My TatTOOs.
WiTh A BeeR And A gUN.
No mORe StAined GlaSS.
No MorE TiGHt JeANs.
"HeY maN, WhAT's UP?"
BOOM!
"WHAtaREYa'Ll uPtotONiGHt?"
BOOM!
"IS ThiS GoNNa be On tHe TeSt?"
BOOM!
"COulD yOu ThrOw me a zlmA?"
BOOM!
AIL ThEse TaTterED BaSEbaLL CaPS
AnD KaKKi ShORTs
AnDTevaS
AnD BoOMin' baSS
AnD IED zEPPlin Cds.
TheRE WouLD jUST bE PeaCe.
AndaLoT
oF DeAD PeoPLe.
I DONT Bf OLD FASHIONED, MOM!
PRO·PHY-LAC-TIC PROLON· rs
. BETTER THAN PIG- BRISTLES !
1
"Ugh, how clicl I
i get here?" Jack thought lo
himsc1f as he opcne<l one
• eye, only to be confronted
by an intense ray of light
penetrating through his
skull. He could only recall
i going to the l~rench
Ouarler the night before to
hc-ive a few d1·inks or
something. Hnt now he
found l1irnsclf slTetcl1e<.l
l out by the rive1· in an
j uuimaginaMe conclltion.
I His hair was knollecl up
' around a huge wad of gum
which was stuck to the
grouncl. His hocl y hacl
macle a bed for itself in a
! pool of vomit complete
! with a few barely <ligest. <~J
i hot dog wieners. He also
became aware of a moist
feeling in l1is right ear.
He yan.kecl the clump of
hair ancl gum from the
grouncl so as lo turn l1is
hea<l ove1·. A yellow liquid
slowly seepecl from his ear,
bearing a stril~ing
rese1nblance to urine.
"What have I done to
myself?" lie thought. He
glMwecl around at his
surroundings ancl
i 1111 nc<liatcly l1<.~<.~a111c
fixated on the waler. To
his~ .&..; '.!1_;~,~~.
amazement he noticed
:.:~r
:I
:"
two cm ns dancing
eleganlly over tl1e river
together. "Okay iL makes
sense now, l'n1 clreatni11g.
AL least when I walw up I
won't have to contend wilh
hot clog infestecl vomit
clripping from my nose"
All of a suclclen a sharp
beam of light attacked l1is
retina from Lhe right. He
turned and saw the mosl
heautifnl human figure lw
lrnd ever <lirectecl his
vision towards. The
figure was a huge black
man possibly seven feel tall
with long wiry dreads aml
an enonnous black ancl
grey beard. The si.gl1 l was
so pleasing that Jack
forgot all about the
graceful emus. After a f cw
moments of silence Jack
askecl the beautiful man,
"\Xll10 are you, what is
?"
your nanie.
"I have no name, I only
l1ave a job."
"What is your job, sir?"
"First let me ask you a
question, wl1at clo you
think of money"
"I don't know, I just use it
when I want something."
"Money is undeserved
power, my brother."
"Ol~ay, so tell me what
your job is?"
"Different people refer to it
l1y <liffcrcnl names"
"\Vhat <lo you call i l?
The magnificent figure
~~1~f~~l$.t,',~ \' . .
....
'.· · , ':· - <. ~
~:- ·<\i;':·r·~fi!K~
J .
replied, ;'Redistrilrntion"
aml tlwn vanisl1cJ.
Jack was ovcrwl1clme<I wid1
wlrnt l1a<J taken place since
he lia<l hecorne conscious.
I Je sloml up aml
aUemptecl lo orient
l1imsclf. I le sat on tlic
heuch hehiml l1im lo
cont:en1plat:e tllC recent
course of even t.s lie lrncl
experienced. He reachecl
in his back pocket ancl
pullecl l1is wallet out. All
of his money and crcclit
cards hacl hcen replacecl by
a. JiLtle canl rea cling "G ocl
�'The R_,,t'" A•s'" is neocnrlrnncul<lr
n '[unkul,.r tintiu,.bulc.rity produced
•·
d
on "' ha•is by people with other specrEio c.n
i·andom factors involved. It just sort of
Irnppens. '['here c.re no i-es{riciion• on wl1,.t
·
. l
=~K
published, so if you lMve ~ p".°blem w1t.1
nrticle pleAse t .. ke it up w1tl1 its re~pech~
'l
And you know tl1osc little pomty tlungs
gc{•
4n
4Ut lOI'·
tlu•t get stuck in tl1e inner pAssAge of the
part?
'We do
th .. t.
n
ow
!ll!f? ll"(l!l _ _ _ _ __...c-
STAPHBOXX
EricBlock--Rumblepuppy
mar1infox--MumbleGUppY
DAVesears--stumble!luffy
miKelong--junglestuffy
DaveWells--bunglescruffy
Stayjoviall--munglEFurry
}heyWitherspoon--tu~gleblurry ;.A~......
AlanBouRDEReaux--a1nnoworry
'
I
I
I
i
I am nobody,
I shall be nothing
I come from nowhere
I am going no place
I have no reason for being here
My entrance was painful
I cried -- Others rejoiced
l'vly exit shall be miserable
Others will cry -- I will rejoie
Stretching between this beginning and end
Is a succession of sensation-None important
There was on]y one important event in my life
That was an affair I attended
Where illusion furnished the music
Folly was my dancing partner
And despair my escort home.
i
i
•
,,
'
,/
-A.SIJ<
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, January 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 15
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 12, 1996. Jhay Witherspoon has a dream that Rhodes will become cool one day. Stay Joviall brings up the problem of buying a "Rubber on Campus." David Sears however talks about economics. On the last page Eric Block gives a sad story of becoming nothing.
Creator
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Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, David Sears, Martin Fox, Eric Block, Mike Long, Dave Wells, Alan Reaux
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass