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V
olot11L
W;i~ing
flv ~~12.r
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Nove1>-ber3 , I Cfq~~
by Jay 1VithErSpron
.'
The sign on lop of the door read "This passage marks change.
This passage was created in the image of God."
"Oh," I sighed, always ready for a change. Perhaps there was
something exciting on I.he other side of God's image. Ah, yes.
After l had walked through the doorway, the realization
was forced upon me by some crucial mixture of memory and
immediate sensation that everything I was thinking and
experiencing had somehow turned to the passive voice. The fright
was pushed across and throughout my frame like an early morning ·
piss shiver. The passivity was more than simply verbiage, though.
I had been a pawn all along. Epiphianic needles were poked
through my spine as these thoughts were beginning to take their
1 brutal form: 111e idea to walk through the doorway had been
implanted in my brain by some force other than MY SELF. No
doubt, the inclination had been waiting in my skull since birth. I
had been vomited into the world of no volition of my own. A
crying baby, a wrinkly crying brain pre-formatted to function right
out of the tube: shivering with the cold, a slap on the ass, big
people, white shiny clothes, blood, a mother with a warm breast.
Every subsequent thought and action of my life had been in
' response to the previous ones. Whichever way my life had started
had decided which way it would end. I had walked through the
do_
qnvav because I had had to. It had been ordained.
I
.
comfortably moist
~UNLESS! ! l ! ! ! I foreeJ myself W loolt 1mmrnl and caLn Jown. Yes,
tl1ere it was!!! Th.. ! FEELING!!! It was definjtely tlum,, I wa~ deciding what
. fo do!!! .Just fo fost my theory, I pulled my pocl<et-knife from my left pants
pocket and slashed my left fo1'f'arm. Yes, I was quite sum that J felt I l1ad clecided
fo do exactly tl1al.
1
But there I was again, bleeding, staring al tl1e Joor, wondering wl1ence
these inclinations came. The air was l10t. I was swealy. Electric impulses raceJ
frantic . My minJ saw my Me anJ future turn inlo formless melted wax. Melted
wax ... melted wax, melted melly wax wax, melty molten wax wax, waxy melted
swirling life wax melt. And tl1en tlie lifey wax swam around in my head a wl1ile.
Piml il look Ll1it1 sltnpc limn Llrnt, melting melty. Tl1c wax of my life sw;11n ,
l>caulifuJ, nnJ I lmgan lo elm pc tl1c wax myself. .l~iml, a lmll, tl1cn a Jmt, aml n
·.
liat, and t10111ctl1ing I lrnd never Reem, a11J 11 pair of lip~, a11d a Joorw11y, a11d ~0111e
swurly words, and wl1alever, and il candle, and. a ln1Ly, and a bleeding arm, and a
dream, anJ a wing, and a watcl1, anJ n1y mother, and a poem, and my own 11wealy
face, and. as Ll1e waxy image waned and I ernwlcd back lo Hulonomy Lhrougl1 tlie
l1allways in my head, it all 11eemcd a whole lot better. It lasted rigl1t.
•
'
I
!
from the nefarious mind of the ~m!~Qe'lt Qt])Qe'~lt~ Jfn~~'ID:Qe'lt ...
WHAT IF?
What if Jim Daughdrill did 69 whippits,
took off all his clothes, crawled up to you
and asked if he could borrow your car?
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It was that time again•
Time for the bimonthly '
tree gathering.
The
Interforestry Tree
Convention wa s an
opportunity for the
great trees to come
together and e ngage in
r igorous debate over
crucial issues
pertinent to their
existence.
As you
might imagine there was
rarely any agreement
over t h e important
philosophical issues
but the great trees
persisted, preparing
their little sermons on
tree ethics, tree
afterlife or absence
of , tree gods, proper
modes of dis cou rse ,
etc.
The great trees
came from around t h e
country by whatever
mean s available to
them .
Thi s
parti c ular meeting got
unde r way with a
reading of the minutes
recapping the last
gather ing followed by a
h e ate d discussion on
tree morality.
The
Gambe l Oak in st igat e d
t h e d e bate by stating
his opinion on t h e
matter .
"Fe llow trees,
bush es, shrubs , and
vario u s other plants
(the convention was
generally open to any
type of plant life that
k
.
t
th
could ma e i t
o
e
meeting but the only
plant- be;ide- the trees
s
that would speak was
the cannabis Sativa)
the very fact that we
are all congregated
here demonstrates our
'\
unity.
I
wi l l not d eny ,,
' j'
1
1,
that we vary in species ~
but we ar.e united by
~l
our drive for
~
knowledge.
We are
rat ional trees, my
frien ds.
As rational
trees , we are moral
trees.
We must deny
ourselves the
s uperficial pleasures
of our trunks; to grow
and e xpand overrunning
other trees. "
The
charismatic Gia nt
Sequoia began s coffing
quite deliberately and
proceeded to state in
his usual r ich and
stunning tone, "SLAVE
MORALITY, I am a rath er
large tr e e and requ ire
much space in order to
grow to a satisfactory
s iz e .
T re e
rationality,
is simply a myth
created by thos e
s u ffici e nt ."
articulate Winged Elm
i mmediately jumped to
t h e Gambe l Oak' s
defense.
"My giant
friend, the noble
Gambel Oak is referring
to a higher order.
Certainly any large
tree may blindly dwell
in its natural impulses
and neglect any social
responsibility to other
trees, but we are
attempting an
intellectual venture.
!iAY!:
afterlife ."
The
skeptical Bristle cone
Pine
(this
species is
one of the oldest
varieties of trees on
the North Ame rican
Continent, this
particular one is well
over 4,000 yrs. old)
inserted his opinion
into the discussion.
"My good friends, the
Winged Elm and Gambel
Oak, in my youth I used
to look for ward to a
wonderful tree af terlife
but that was at least
three millennia ago .
I
witnessed your
ancestor's birth and
subseque nt death and I
am still alive.
In fact
I have given up hope of
ever dy ing .
I hav e no
good reason to believe I
ever will die.
Consequently, I have no
choice but to suck l i fe
for what i t ' s worth."
A
strange silence spread
r apidly throughout the
circle of tre es .
The
entire s u rrounding
atmosphere seemed
is obvious to us
intoxicated with thought
that we trees have been
a s the trees were
created by a higher
slightly rec lined in
power , what you might
their up r i gh t po s i t i o n s .
refer to as ' God.'
God
The gre at Elm a nd th e
has provided u s with a
gre at Oak d esperate ly
h ealthy challenge to
wanted to avoid slipping
affiliat e ourselves
into tota l tree
with that not so
relativism but with the
addition of the
side
Bris tlecon e Pine's
Th rough
statement, things s eeme d
to b e going in that
wil l
di rec tion. All o f a
a ple asant tree
sudden a bit of
frustration and
\~\
·''
•!, '1.
v
''k
~
�The Protect Allegiance
by Anonymous
around that. They took out a sword
and started pointing it at one of the
graves. The sword was fashioned
completely out of metal. There
was one solid piece that was carved
in With runes and shit. They were
Me: Tell me about the Protect
Allegiance.
Anon.: The Protect Allegiance is a
society of vampires and devil
worshipers. It's everywhere. They
knew that when I joined them, I
was destined for joining them. You
can find them about anywhere in
everyday society. I found them at
the graveyard... Or rather, I should
say that they found me. You can't
find them. If you are going to go
out looking for them, don't go out
unless you have the assistance of
gods behind you, because you ain't
gonna find them. They are some of
the most powerful magic users in
the world. Umm ... So I was in St.
Monica's graveyard, and one of
them came up to me. I was
sleeping on one of the graves. I
like spending time in graveyards.
Umm... And umm... Umm ... They
gave me one of their black robes
and everything, and they showed me
some of their ceremonies. They are
fascinating people. Their job was
to speak to the dead. A lot of the
things that I saw them do were
fascinatinii . They always terrified
me.
very welcoming. All they wanted
· me to do was join hands in the
circle and repeat after the leader.
Most of them were sixteen or
seventeen. A few were my age. A
few were younger. The oldest was
in his late twenties. The leader was
this very tall guy... Kind of
heavyset... Clean shaven face ...
Very pale. They were pointing the
sword at the... The leader... The
guy who was doing it. .. The sword
was probably... About that long
(Three feet.) He pointed it down to
the ground and lifted back up at the
sl")', and then drove it... Wham! Straight down into the grave. Like ·
right on to where the coffin would
have been . Slowly this thing that
looked kind of like a gas was
seeping up through the hole around
the sword. It took form above the
sword in the shape of a person. It
was a fucking ghost, and it was
standing right there. They spoke to
it in a language that I had no
fucking clue what it was. It did not
sound backwards at all. I was
paying attention for it. It did not
sound anything. Umm ... When
they were done, the ghost slipped
back into the ground. Just the
leader spoke to him. After that...
the leader... They all turned and
faced the leader and he told us that
such and such... Whatever the
dude's name was... Had requested
that something be brought to
· 1e: Did·they have human
sacrifices?
Anon: I saw someone get
sacrificed, actually. He was
screami!lg the whole time. This is
- .-::.;~,. the way it worked... They all
gathered around, like, that square,
OK? You know... That big square
in the center of St. Monica's
graveyard? Well... They gathered
hostility began floating
about.
The silence then
conv erted itself into an
extreme tension.
The
Giant Sequoia piped up
b reaking the silence
with some vicious words
directed at the great
Elm and great Oak.
"You flimsy trees
postulate t he existence
of morality whi ch
s upposedly governs us
because you are weak.
The both of you, one
stacked on top of the
other do not even equal
half my height.
You
simply are not good
competitors for
s unlight.
So you try
to convince those who
can get an abundance of
sunlight that it is
immoral.
And you,
Gambel Oak what about
tho se deciduous leaves.
You would think that
God would have endowed
you with leaves that
are able t o last a
l i t t l e longer t h an one
y e a r b efo re th e y
p er i s h."
The Winge d
Elm wa s th o rou ghly
o f fend e d by th e attac k
and d ec id e d to
·r e t a liate poking the
Gi a nt Sequ o ia with one
"If you
ot it s l i mbs .
want t o s t art
c ritici zes o th e r tr e e 's
n a tural e nd o wme nt ,
con s ide r your ow n
o v e rsiz e d self.
I bet
y o u wo ul.d have troubl e
g e tting o ut of y o ur o wn
way."
The Cannabi s
Sa t i v a int er j ect e d
qui t e p e acef ully by
-
-
him ... Like one of those rings or
something like that. He told me
that he was a member of the Protect
Allegiance. He told me that what
they were there for was to speak to
the dead and find out what went
wrong in their lives... What's not
letting them rest... And go correct
it. I decided to leave the group
because they requested me on the
first time that I was going to go
out on one of their little crusades...
I was supposed to kill a man.
Anon: On the fourth meeting. Six
knife-bearers with masks and black
robes all at once stabbed him in a
circle around the heart. I was
terrified. I didn't scream or
anything like that because I didn't
think it was real. Well ... it was. It
was at the Aquadome, actually. It's
a bad place to be.
Me: Did authorities find that?
Anon: No (Quickly.) Authorities
haven't touched them. How are
you going to find them? There's
probably a hundred dead bodies in
that place that no one can find.
They grind up the bones, usually,
and use them for spell-casting
purposes.
Me: Every time they would bring
up a ghost.
Anon: Not every time. The guy
-that we brought up the first time.
We went out and found his ring.
We came back and buried it in the
grave with him. After that, we just
left that one alone, because he said
he'd be OK after that. I went and
saw the aquadome with them one
time. That was really a cool thing.
Me: When did they want you to
kill somebody?
Anon: It was about three weeks
into it when they said, "We want
you to seek out a higher standing.
We want you to seek out a crusade.
It's a very simple mission. We
know entirely who this person is.
We have his entire schedule. All
you have to do is kill him using
this." And they pointed at like a
steak knife or something. Bizarre
thing.
Ic~use
Me: When did you see a human
sacrifice?
Meeting of Stone Giants
I
Oh boy, flowers. I love flowers.
~
Shut up, moe-ron
You're lrnrting my cars. My lovely orbular cars.
.....
Shut up, moe-ron
"'
Suckle from my gaping buttocks!
Shut up, Moe-ron
You just don't understand my sensitive side. I, I love.
Do you understand. r, I love. Love, Jove, love, love,love la, la
smoothly saying, "Man
this is not what
treedom is about.
W
e
trees s hould not
quarrel.
This is the
product of a limited
spectrum of
philosophical
discourse."
The
Cannabis Sativa
p roc eed e d to go on a
long unr e lated tang e nt
which i t was in the
habit of doing but was
ignored and t he
conflict persisted.
A
Shut up, moc-ron
The tape, get the tape. Someone call John Laroquette, and get
a laxative.
"
\
fi e r ce battle b r oke o u t
whic h r e s ulte d in a
sharp d e clin e in t h e
population of eccentri c
trees . Th e next 'l'ree
Convention was not for
a number of y e ar s .
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�Reason #183 to Carry Jumper
Cables
So, a buddy and I were sitting in the car, in
the line, at the Taco Bell on PopJar(which will
remain nameless). We go to Taco Bell only
because it is cheap and open late at night.
This time it was about 1 l:OOp.m. We were
shootin' the shit when the woman in the next
car jumped out and trotted over, and stuck her
head in the window. She said nothing but,
"My car's battery just died, and rm stoned."
THAT HAS TO SUCK. Even worse, if she didn't
have the munchies yet, they were about to set
in hard.
..
~~~,)
't
:~l'
,--.[iver
·
\
\
\
\
My buddy asked if she had cables. No cables.
She asked the car which was ordering behind
us, aJso containing two guys, who didn't have
any cables either. Understanding that we are
1 ~ a drive-through lane, this car was going
nowhere. We tried to roll start the car. The
woman running the drive-through leaned out
the window to watch four idiots pushing a car
towards Poplar at an alarming rate. In
hindsight, realizing how baked this woman
was, it is amazing that she didn't let the car ·.
go out into Poplar, but stopped it just short of
Poplar. The car was still dead.
The Rat: s_ Ass TM is a funkified and
. :
gro~vahc10us undulation of spermicid Ir '
lubricated gre
a Y
f
Y ma tt er t·rlat has been ribbed
1
bo~ p easure. Opinions and funkiness herein
e ong so~eJy to their respective authors ati.d
anyone with a gun who really agrees.
:
·
The woman paid for her food as we watched
the line grow and contemplated the dead car.
The end decision: roll that puppy out into
Poplar and get it in the first parking lot. Of
course, that means pushing a dead car the
wrong way on Poplar, with this stoned woman
at the wheel. We waited for the appropriate
opening, and ran this car into the street and
into the parking lot. The oh-so-helpful Taco '
Bell employees asked if we would be
returning to our cars. My buddy had already
bought the food, and we took off. All he said
on the way back to campus, "That was so
weird, I need a burrito."
DAVE WELLS
Ji
Staff Box
Xaft Minor: folli~le
Fredrica Car
J
Witherfunk~e~~r: jherri
Dave Wells: pubicpee
Neeto Beef U
M'k
rn: bald
Di : Long: bouffant
avid Sears: butt
...
Uue ~ to a r
t
department ;;.:er~ t ~andate or the laealth
serve 'any li~uid subs~ s no longer allowed to
the food debris off t1a:C:;a:!:~e i;: cannot get
mugs (albeit covered with Greek sym:::; !:~~
much .cleaner than our stuff Sine
::.~1i~~e. face In letting you b~ng 11i:s:~1;«>,:~
So I'm t!1~" thth,.e ~ath, we're outlawing all liquids.
' s rs ow Rhodes works.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
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Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass