1
25
37
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cdff95bd788106fc470c46fd95cfb41f.pdf
74ce6647810e2ebd91dc5e089cd60c34
PDF Text
Text
S
OoM r N ~ -,- x:
Pf;::C:C ~ L
~
p
I
s
0
0
0 '"''
E:
Whar-'s
your
excuse?
"My O\\ n, aii11otrt.>h it.-.; 11111nine ciui ci;
lcmporaiiiic..; 111 an updr;111 ol dJ<111111 ._. -. I''" " lic'l i
hcrc11 itl1 and hitlrcrlu. ,.
"Ant.I 11 hat's .1cit11· poini , \l ()rl-.111µ IHi1 :'
H.ampm1t hoilcniois lcu1 inf! <JJ1 il1L· llc'\i dr;1111
.Juggle me a rnc. ;siah, 11<111· 1 1 ;1 ·r"Fi .\ .ali1 e and cllc11c11sc1wc. "lr1111 ci1w cd
flowing cuuntc1 -pupp_ lorcst.1 · . .le" i;il
1
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lorpcuoc.\ ol' d _ '-'lopiw1 ice crea111 d11 pp111e1.,. ·
'
1
"Cabbage me IH>I , .i<ll ior - 111<
'
111. \\-/r('11·" llw
bacon arril(.'. d1 T
"Fctidhorscl-11uis 11<11 <'ll ilrc µ 1ci1111 l111c
!hangs. Mobili/.c hardc11cd ci\irap 11;i1n111 e
cl i ppcrs. "
"Who' s count int! !he gi1 ens. M 1. l 'li11-.;i '.1 111111µ
reel uses or loriJ
siopra.\ 'l"
'
"You bore me. l nccc.J anc ii lier 1uli...
'Tic a/really applied lor ilH· pc;..,,,,<1n .·
"You m;11· list Ill<.' <1-; a rclcrcncc ...
"But I am )Our c111plo~cr. '·
ch
"Oh.''
"Don' l mcnlio11 i l. .,
"Form s i m pl) is."
" I kno\\'"
"No, bu! l'll lcl )Ou co11ii!llH' lo tlrinl-. i/Ju1
'
II
OD
�Garlic Is Good.
The Rat .' s Ass™ is a trump thumpin
bump grumpin mid-evil somethin fierce
comin down your chimney with a
smile and a groove; all opinions
expressed all solely their author's
and aL·e not affiliated with Rhodes 0 •
Have a day. It's all yours.
A Dialogue.
By Jay Witherfunkengruven
Say Yes
ii 1 L 1tu
e
di
1cl riff18S ot
living maniac. Beat rne.
<-1
( .i 111:,,i illt1 i1vi11g ant1-Gocl.
It really does exist-I swear
it
.I
i i 11 l10~ pnninq to l t:el a bit antsy about the recent death
d0vt: lof.)1 i-1ent.
Wiiai should I do " I believe feeling-a-groove is what is
i1 ·1 orde( i he rJeatli development is only a secondary
l: onnection vvilh tht: beyond--Not important--Mortal
i1u111qs'i Ci10atic unn-1oralistic universe? Could it really
bt-1'? A1 8 we really iliat vulnerable? Fuck Yeah... Feel the
y1uuvt: ---lls all there , everytl1ing you ever desired.
·.
-!:!
;:s
~
':!
"'
2
........
-s::
,.,
, '
i lie previous was all part of one section of existence.
I hurtl 's n1orn 10 be had . More to feel·-· There is just
more l1emq to l)e done-- That 's All. Just being. That is
all Iiial 1s Hnporiant. Be Be Be Be !
BE~
• t. 1
i-'1
!
1
I \'
-~
2
~
Now shake that thang.
'
'
•
"Okay.
You asked for it.
On the way down
here, I walked backwards so that I could see
where, just a few seconds before, I thought I was
going to be."
"You must quit saying things like that, or
your life will get strange.
Plus, I'll take away
your festive beer huggie and start callin g you
'spooge muffin. '"
"That's not fair. You look much more like a
spooge muffin than I do, and my beer huggie i s not
only 'festive,' but downright ROWDY . . . sucka."
"Hm. Your hair is on fir e."
"Hey!
Whoa! !
How'd you do that?
Hair on
fire sucks."
"I'm a: creature from a higher plane posing
as a human.
I possess abilities to distort,
create, manipulate, and pulverize any bit of that
tiny portion of the uni verse you call 'rea lity'
with the merest evil thought inflection.
That
makes you my bitch."
"I saw you put that lighter back in your
pocket, ass-hole. You're nothing but a big stinky
weener-ma . . . WHOA!! I feel different . . . You
changed me into a Buddhist monk!
Ah, the h armony
of it all!
Hold on.
You can't just show me the
way like that I
Part of the destination is the
journey itself .
. What the hell am I saying?
I'm a presbyterian!!
Would you please just leave
me alone, crazy dialogue partner?"
"Not quite yet."
"AH ! AH ! AH !
Oh, dear heavens and hot-dog
buns!!
Did YOU just make my penis twelve feet
long and extend my colon twelve feet beyond the
lip of my sphincter?
This is all getting r eally
weird."
"NOW you are equipped for LOVIN FROM AN
ALIEN.
Stand on your head.
The blood that will
rush to your head provides good lubrication. "
"No, man, I quit.
This shit has gotten too
weird.
Really, man.
No, don't DO that.
Wait,
a re you humming the theme song to MacGyver? What
the hell! ! !
It's too weird.
Where's my swiss
army
knife?
IT'S
TOO
DAMN
WEIRD!!!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
�J. VPhosphatidylserine
~
() \\
\~ ~J_
.
Hard Knocks
0
.,,0 ·
End
hy
stay j1niall
Can:cnirig
headlong,
al/ of.c very lhino
cI
S_l<X >iJ ng bencathe me
like fdm on a pn~cclor
out ol control.
I ain
hurtling through space,
\\'here
nothing is,
I am flowing,
gro\\'i no
.
b'
going
going
and ha Its/ am
slopping i_ lo a dreamed trance
n
01 hypnol!c wakefulness,
a snull ed candle
and nuclear \veapon explodin
each second passing.
g
Pause.
Inhale.
Begin .
.J
PAGE
~
~
E
nergy F
rom
TheFar&st
·············································
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 16, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 20
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 16, 1996. This issue of The Rat's Ass is called the "Special Domination Episode." On the front page Xaft Minor gives us not a dialogue scene, but something close to it. Jhay Witherspoon gives an actual dialogue. On the last page Stay Joviall how the end may begin.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Xaft Minor, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/fdd14e28f0e99b3ab0b3ead80e490b0d.pdf
c4bf4df4d13a0e56e655843a451005f8
PDF Text
Text
~elps You
Y,,J""'le ' I
Overcome
ltlak-,. 2 ;sve 8
f FALSE TEETH
with # 1.
Communism is simply
the answer to the
following equation:
government
+compassion
Hhy? Because the
whole thing was run
by a perfect crosssection of humanity:
you had greed, hunger
it has recently come
for power, impatience,
to my attention that
and whining.
You see, this is the
communists are made
Please don't get me
main problem people
fun of a lot in our
wrong. I like America,
have with communism:
present society. To
they would have to be really. It's neat, and
all of you who partireally big. And I think
nice. Communism
cipate in this partiAmerica could benefit
involves thinking of
cular form of ridicule
others and respecting from a little commI have but one word:
unism. But I don't
them, talents, short "Phooey."
like the "love-itcomings, and all. It
I am a communist. I
or-leave-it' mentality
involves other stuff
haven't told my
too, like distribution That's not what this
parents yet; I'm
country is about (it's
of weal th, which
waiting for the right
rumored). And I don't
means the virtual
time. But there are a
elimination of hunger, like ignorance.
few issues I'd like
homelessness, etc.
to address.
(God forbid that; we
Yes, this whole
1) Communism ain't
have to have someone
was written on a typereally that bad.
to throw spare
writer. You know us,
2 } No, really, it
change a t s o we can
we' re kind of behind
i sn ' t .
go to sleep at night.} on technology.
01 -ay 'f 2 It means you W r1G LIVE THE GLORIOUS
c~ 1 ~ ~~e enough t o
ArID VALIANT PROLETARIAT
buy a yacht to match
STRUGGLE AG\INST Tl~
WILL THIS
your canvas shoes. But
OPPRESSIVE BOURCEOI
you know, it's those
CAPITALIST REGIME!
kind of sacrifices
Thank you and have a
that build character•
good night•
I think now is an
opportune time to point
out that those "damn
.
commie Soviet bastards"
f ~
or ,.e
·
Prov en formula"ma<kabi..w,.,
who threatened our way
'";'
of life, if not our
:~u~!:,:0;-;:h:::'h;:~i:
oction .. ho w
..
f
very existence, or
f,~'t;~~·~~;;":«;:;~~ ·
t t Comm
,ma11 perce n1oge ct 1hi
4 5 years weren
;:~1; 0:~0 ;;;;10•~·,;:~~1
unists. Sorry.
~
~~: .:n:~~c~~~1~h=
Just a n article
by
tom logue
:1
••
I
I
.
'
'
-
'l1fji
NEW
SHAMPOO MAKE
MY BRISTLES
AS GOOD
AS
-~PROLON?
lo ~oke
:lj
' 3•
th t
a
s
eop le c:; ay
•
•t
communic:m 1S OU
ome p
:
•
Sahsfact1on Guara nteed
-
dated' that J. t is no
longer a viable theory o
I think that human
beings suck, and that
we are no longer a
viable species. It's
not a matter of communism not working,
it's that it never
~r + h ~ l f ~ chance.
..
0
:::;e:d~r':o~O 1':1i:!U~
-If YOU WAHl TO.
f our fu end'
bovl'ld lo
v If w e G UA RAN TEfyovwcce,u Yourdu1r•~
io reo l1l v
~~~~~d
IS
Th~idb:~~e,sv:~,r~~·~h~~';'~nd,h:r;:
~~ev':~! ':~~l~;oll~ ;-noc:;l,:,~~I~~ ;:~~t;v.robo~~!~ :::dJ
."' ;;~~~a~~l~ '~;;E~RCH So d l z Alha mb,a, Calo!~
�Streaking: One Way to Get a B.A.
~:i;:_: '.~~' " - ,• '
I
.. ::· ... .
i~~. ::~:
......_..,...., ..
... ........... ,,... ...-··., .
llU • \'1 • 'Pl! • '>I
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:'~.:;·...·;;~.:.:::.: ~:;:.:
Rat's Ass: So,uh, Mr. Satan,
how long have you been attending Rhodes College.
An ti-Christ: Since the
Masons founded it, actually·
But right now I am posing as
a senior.
RA: What are your views on
the current state of evil at
Rhodes?
or
..
Horror Punk Rock Song
Wizened angel of death, you're
Too old to reap; you can only
Gnaw at a young girl's.ank~es.
This encounter on a ram-slicked
Highway, you scythe with a
Road sign, impaling
Windshield glass.
1
th
' ;}
ilt
j,
"'I 1
Old beat-up Chevys can't cruise too good
Wrapped around a teleP.hc;me pol.e.
Your teenage lips wont kiss again
With that pretty little head
In your own lap.
Hope lies in the miracle of modem
· · .·~ Science,
And the gentle craft of robbing graves.
My queen
Myfover
~'
My Cadavera!
~
Marilyn's body with a schoolgirl's head,
The pinnacle of tonight's delights.
She'll keep loving long after you're dead.
See the stitches? Turn out the lights.
[!aaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrr
i'llsmashdashbashaskulland-giveafewkicks-in-theribs--mydadlikesguns-andhasbunches-bu Hhi nki 'llgo-dowu-tow1t-a11dgetag1111,
just-for-the-feel-of-i ti;
ADVICE
' ..... , , . . ... . . . . . . "
~,',
A-C: Well, not a had way to
make a living ... l've lately
found hitter polemics in
underground newspapers to
be a useful tool.
RA: What has been the focu.
of these polemics, in
general?
A-C: Oh, you know, the usu<l
sort of stuff you fl nd at
, every college: bitter
diatribes against the
administration, meaninglP.ss
poems, and a penchant for
the pointless. But excuse
me I must be going .
RA; One last question, Mr.
Satan When shaving, do yo
prefe~ a brush or a roller?
A-C: Lime.
smile and nod
in kurt reply:
Another person
whose name
I don't know
has greeted me like an old friel!d.
Vertigo a go-go
or
I'm too immature to appreciate
That Hitchcock film
Jimmy Stewart didn't need no talk
To get off
Kim Novak's clothes.
When she almost drowned, that's when
He had her
Over to his apartment.
_
} . 1 ~, 0 1· '- ;· :v.t~
.
'
..
.}.·~f~it.~:..::::.
·.:'···'.~-~,
'.·
.
'
.
:.
- ·- ..
'·.
l
·· The cat blew another note on his trumpet; the TV screen
' went blanh. He intoned, "Night has just fr,lfer1" --------~--
�., po\nts
\{eep to\\ 0 •
...
'
·
'
DOVI ..
~
.,.
Martin Fox's criticism in this issue of the Rat's Ass has become entirely
concerned with itself, allowing a silly amount of self-referentiality. By
isolating itself as a signifier which points exclusively towards itself, it
circumvents modes of critical discourse which, have, of course, been
assimilated by the ruling classes, as a prop to the hegemony of bipolar
thought, a fetish of hierarchical organization within a post-cultural strata
invoked by the exchange of play and structure. Although he addresses none
of these concerns, the interjection of a text in variance with this system
clearly points towards the implication of critique. It would have been vastly
improved, however, if it had alluded to Proust.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 28, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 28, 1994. The was the "To HELL WITH EVERYBODY" issue. On the front page is "just an article" by Tom Logue which talks about communists in our society. Juan Oliptante brings up Horror Punk Rock Songs and the lyrics they follow. On the final page is a criticism of Martin Fox's criticisms.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Juan Oliptante, A-C Lime
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/7e6d95e8615f320f850502a0176c1fcd.pdf
47c911d17217ea1ce29038310523fc37
PDF Text
Text
Fecal Material Saves Lives: Doo your
'I
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
"Pickin' up hitchhikers"
p~
29-SJ.<...
STOBJ
fisticuffs
Tyson ain't Shit
your friendly neighborhood tom logue
I by
The munnur of the crowd grew to a dull roar as the sound of the bell
pierced the muggy air in the stadium. The fight was on! This was
it, rumored to be the biggest fight of the year, and there were bets
from here to Buenos Aires on it. On the left, Civility, wearing red
shorts and weighing in at 595 pounds. On the right, Morality, in
blue and a trim 340 pounds. They closed in, and Civility rumbled,
"Be nice to that Rhodent! So what if he's annoying and likes to talk
about his SAT scores? Try to see things from his point of view;
maybe he's just feeling insecure." Morality blocked this easily -he had seen it coming a mile away. The response: "But by being nice
to him even though I despise him, I am being untrue to myself, and
since the only truth I know is my own subjective truth, I am conunitting NoTIOK.-Oddo·1L11d·End1ot nm1uN
the worst crime of all!" Civility's head whipped back, a fine spray of · · :· · · ·· ".·:~ · ·· · ··
blood flying from the nose, as the blow almost knocked him to the
,
ground. Collecting his wits, he tried a quick jab: "The only way to
~
get ahead in life is to show respect to others so that they will do the ,
./ ,
same to you." Morality sidestepped, then rushed forward and delivered
~
c:
z
a punch to the stomach, "By respecting everyone on the same level
regardless of their actions, you demean yourself, deceive the other
- ~
c:
person, and denigrate the concept of respect. Like that pompous prof
you always smile and nod to because otherwise he'll fail you." Civility
~
teetered, his torso bright red from the blow and the blood dripping
down from his face, and drew his hands in front of his face in defense.
.
"The bible says to love thy neighbor!" Morality stepped back, dodged
the wild swing, and didn't even bother to respond. It was obvious his
opponent was faltering, and he had some pity. But Civility tried to
continue: "I was taught to be polite, and I'm going to be polite! How
would you like it if everything in life were based on people's actual
opinions of each other? And shouldn't you have some consideration
for the feelings of others, huh, Morality?" The sarcasm in this last
question caused a rush of anger to our blue- clad hero, and he spun
around one last time, lightning- fast, with "I'm just here for a few
years, and i'm useless to myself and everyone else if all i do is bend
to the whims of others. I'm not going to waste my breath being nice
to assholes just to avoid offending them." Morality stood back and
watched Civility spin around in the ring before falling to the ground.
And as the ann of Morality was raised triumphantly into the air, the
Rhodes student walked around with a silly grin on his face, flicking off
everyone who said hi to him.
And he felt good.
•
An~over is better than ·none .when the tall out rams down
=
,...
=
·...
ANYONE
F0~1 · ~
ANYTHING?~
,.,.
�THE RAT' S
Ass,,.
.. -11111.-.---·
Lack
IS A THERAPEUTIC METAPHOR
OF METAMUNICIPAL MATRIMONY HARMONIZED IN
THE INT£REST OF THE GREATEST POSSIBLE GOOD.
by Davicl Scars
OPINIONS AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, OUR SPECIALTIES,
STEM PURELY FROM THE UMBIC SYSTEMS OF
THEIR RESPECTIVE AUTHORS, SO IF YA BY
CHANCE TAKE OFFENSE AT DA KONTEHTS,
SETTLE
rr WITH
THE INDIVIDUAL. AND GET A
LIFE.
\lttaatllf BllOOXX
. JJ Evon•
J 1ney Witherap<>On ' Druuunond
w·11·
s
o"":r·.
lll
l
«i
E
Dove
Lo111ont Sonford.
RAmt s: '
.
C D \g, 1 Tootle
D. • l'4
Geo-rge J e££ereon
To111 Logu~' n .J Hus:to'ble
l t K.101re ' I'Ul y
1' oneJ . ll s Fot Albert
Stoy
I 23·. s.
;;r:f
10
FEELIN' REAL
BY JHEY WITHERSPOON
~·
(I'
1.
'
~ ~·~
·~
CONFINED ·1 .sHErr£f :\ . ·: eriiif
N
.· ' .
·:~·•• ~
!. :1';·1
TRI~ ollT ;·/!. .
DECONTAMINATE
' .. '
·
· ·· · · ·; .. -- · AS FALLOUT COOLS OFF a1 1rad1fahon decr~a!~d
nd
you can safely leave s 1e ter or 1
onge1
LEAVE SHELTER
eriods. Chart is based on fallout that,
wh~n f~sh emits 6,000 roentgens per hour.
•
I
I
Q)
MUST HAVE BEEN A SCREAMING DEE.JAY .
IT IS OFTEN VERY DISORIENTING WHEN MY SENSES GET SWITCHED AROUND AND REWIRED,
BUT BECAUSE I WAS TAUGHT FROM A VERY EARLY AGE THAT EVERY ll-tlNG IS
ALL
RIGHT EVEN IN
STATES OF UTTER CONFUSION, I AM ALWAYS ABLE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETiiER AND GO wm-1
WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN ME,
I TURNED MY HEAD DOWNWARD AND LISTENED TO THE FLAT, RELAXING BASS TiiAT WAS MY
ROOM.
I
TI-lEN TURNED OFF MY ALARM BY LOCATING THE STRONGEST POINT OF LIGHT IN THE
IT WAS A CAR COMMERCIAL :
RED AND ORANGE SPLASHES SMACKING MY RETINAS INTO
CONSUMER SUBMISSION .
AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK WHICH ALWAYS ACCOMPANIES SENSORY SWITCHING, I DECIDED
.JUST TO EN.JOY TI-lE MUSIC THAT MY BODY MADE ,
Cf)
E'
t
-.J
.-
:'5"
0
~I
c
'>.... :::s
~
I snacl. on the remains as I re~lize
is happening
DANK NOTES AND HARMONIES FILLED MY EARS AND EVEN SPILLED INTO MY ·
OLFACTORY ORGANS, SO TiiAT I SMELLED MY MOTION AND TASTED TiiE TANTALIZING FUNK OF MY
ANATOMY'S GROOVE.
I DECIDED TO SKIP SCHOOL TiiAT DAY .
I WATCHED MUSIC AND HEARD MYSELF FUCKING GET DOWN.
sumptuous shakin and rump bass bumpin toothu light wave wawa
rolling round happy slappin sippin the fly fluid funky GET DOWN
bright night light shinin sweet feet steppin out, damn/ I
swingin hard feelin far, notes slippin drippin off my arm
can't stop body flop singin dreamin 'bout the world
and feel so real. I feel so FEEL/ so I wow down round the sound
to eat up motion mangoes and stare at caca congas
that came to flop top dibby on the flip bap shimmy
blap lam goddam, grip this jimmy.
now sounds found a town round and down spin around.
I found. I sound. I am music.
.
Wi~'1'
.
l
.
.
--
····
wJ1at
NOTfl!ING, lmt it is awefufly pleasant
·Sometimes, he dreams that
he marches, and
in between the locksteps,
daydreams and remembers
scents and touches, soft light
a dripping, and po.Jka-dots
glittering and mask-like
askew glances at ephemera
clattering and reptilian
balanced or serene
wonderment over nothing
the melting of ice, because it fits,
and pieces of someone's hair,
shuttered and lacking
or maybe just in the wav.
o.oe Star Deer
I sceaJ T ·shuts
I like the smell
ot rnurs
ther remind me
when 1· m alone.
Ifell asleeyrhe first time
in a blur o white .
primed words were
jibberish in mydaze,
J
Sometimes, he's eavesd ropped
on towns or docks,
sticky, or sprawHng
imderlining the important bits.
COAGULATE!!!
Sometimes, he'd be magnanimous,
wishing for some old mao
..
or gamepekes worn with use
often shrill, but never unfogged
a has-been, admiring ether
coalesced into invisibility,
and spinning headlong,
heated and wary
supposedly yellow or perhaps white
· a number of forgotten momenta
•weathered loose, rotting
and rarely escaping their targets,
with promise and fortitude
crumbled and delayed
into a heap of smelly metaphor.
U!~iiii\\\\'l•}•··~· ..
We got spirit!
Yes, we do!! We got spirit! How 'bout you!!
Cracked . dry hands
on my forehead .
I cutt' t geuhe Clash
out of mv stereo
or you out of my head .
FEELING MY LIMBS AS I WALKED AROUND TiiE
ROOM WAS SOMETHING LIKE PLAYING RHYTI-lM GUITAR .
THEN I DANCED.
NORMAL LIFE
)on er
THIS MORNING, MY CLOCK RADIO AWAKENED ME Wini A BURST OF INTENSE LIGHT TiiAT
FLOOR .
E
-Ramt Oxinf
ovsA
cj~'* iL :
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N o ex11rcssiou Jies in t he grains of any piece
The persistent ringing mutilates silence
Memo1·ies of similar scenes linger
Patternecl emotions thrust tlirougl1 the
a6nospl1ere into my ln·aiu
Intense delusions proc
luce powe1·ful
sensations of clelight
I know it was cold then
I heard people walking
by outside .
but 1' m not bald anymore
andvouactuallybeiieYe
I m 'a girt.
'
\Vhen I met you yesterday .
YOU swum
d o'ie
,
ihroug h the chick.
air.
in
Burring myfoce
into the thin cloth
of vour shitt
the salty dampness
seeps through to m sbn.
r
I' l1 neYer get the Clash
It's 3:15 a.m.
Where is your fungus?
om of mv stereo.
�SEASIDE.-
07.0NE I
OZO:m I OZONE: I
T l1t1,0 • h'lY-l11• la J orhrnthnlr,,,.1ftn<1• ··f•1'.l•1,,,,1.J A',.ll·•r.1 I
11·.."'uOt•ll ol Tilr.f l"'"ur u ... r<1r<1m1n<!a•"''' Ln r •ko ~h., U'nl1
lt11.11, •• to bf-h11•l o1_!f, ~t on,\~•nr.1.~ HoT~r.,
i°"
~l. L1uirr('ll("l .. llll · l~·:1, 1~1~ o! 1 ·~ ·111rt.
Tock Sat on a Raft In a Sea of Rats
1n~~r~ 4~~'!~tt0,..~~~:,f 1 ~':.;'!~~,~~~·H••.·1.,• In &iu1 .llu~J l\re ril'tl.1m
by stay jovinll
And Tick looked on from the shore,
helpless as a buttonless stopwatch;
Tock wailed lonely
and Tick remained,
cutting himself with the past.
Tock called out "Surprise will fall through your f~ce.
with the sound of rotten mellon nppmg
when your money-changer's tables
are overturned in the temple
of Eternal Now
by the push of a simple mirror,
and yet still,
you will remain oblivious
and I will be the victim ..."
--
So there's a bald guy. And
people keep telling him how
bald he is. So he has "I
know" tattooed on his scalp.
People now tell him there's
something written on his
forehead. "Really?" he says.
"I 'II be damned." And he
was right. No matter what he
did, he WAS damned. So he
went around in a devil
costume, damning himself all
day long. "Damnit" he would
say. "Damn me to hell."
Nobody told him he was bald
anymore, because what if he
were Satan? When he died,
he went to hell, damnit. And
the autopsy was perfonned on
his costumed former self. A
clumsy new a<;sistant dropped
formaldehyde on him.
·."_;~
/\1 /: .,-
(5:::;:c
, ._ ~-~ .•\1
/~~~pS~~t,~fted· th"e .cJumsy
new assistant. Down m hell
was felt a cold splash on the
legs. It assuaged the intense
pain. "Don't worry" said the
head mortician. "I don't think
he knows you spilled that
formaldehyde on him." A
chuckle. Then the head
mortician went to the head of
the table to examine the head
of the dead satan-likc man.
He was aghast, and lost his
head. "You're fired" he told
the clumsy new assistant. "I
know" replied the newly
homeless fired man. "I'm on
fire" said the knowledgeable
man in his new home.
"You're homeless for a
reason," said the businessman
to the homeless man.
,
"You're on. fire for a reason"
said the knowledgeable man'
to the newly arrived
businessman. "What's the
reason?" screamed the blazing
businessman in crazed
confusion. "It's none of my
business." He was of course
being coy. He knew.
'
MANUAL ALPHABET
LEARN TO TALK TO \'OUR FRIENDS
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 6, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 8, 1995. On the front page Tom Logue discusses on why we should be a Friendly Neighborhood. Jhey Witherspoon tells us why he skipped school. Ramt Oxinf talks about his daydreams. On the last page D.C. Drake tells us a story about a balm man who went around damning people.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Jhay Witherspoon, Ramt Oxinf, David Sears, Stay Joviall, Planet Klaire, D.C. Drake
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d73457246485e262144e7da87755eb2e.pdf
4a8aa550fdb72e5d9039b202e3ad0785
PDF Text
Text
.-
s
•·
.
The Gravity Well
;or --
by stay jov iall
"The problems define him. That is, they put him into
words and explain him. And explanation is a funny thing:
Darwin and the Bible both explain a lot. But this isn't about
God. Or Darwin. It is about the problems, which define
him. It is not that he wrestles with them, angst-ridden and
Byron-like, but that they breathe him into being, with voice;
breath, word, whisper, inflection, tone and timbre ... all
from the lips of the problems. And so his definition is not
written, but spoken, not static, but dynamic and transient: in
considering the logos constituitive of his being, one must
remember that he is the object of this genetive construction ..
.that the definition is not of him, but he is of the definition.
The definition yielded by his problems contains only a
few words, the most significant of which have lengthy
etymologies and are derived from a sidereal language of love
and hate.
The problems which define him also explain him.
Hence the problems think that they have a way to control
him, for with successful theoretical explanation comes the
possibility of prediction, and hence control. He would want
to argue that counterfactuals of freedom lack operative
conceptual validity, and hence their control over him is at best
inductive and at worst illusory. His problems would sit back
and smile at that: "See, you've just proved our point."
What do you think of that, Dr. Joy?" He paused , and
there was a silence in Dr. Joy's office like an airplane taking
off. The pencil Dr. Joy had been turning in his fingers as his
patient spoke crashed to the desk, and his old leather boot
face remained expressionless.
"Zat is a very interesting story." Only a slight vestige
of Bavarian accent, extremely articulate. "Perhaps you have
had flashes of insight, lately or. .. zomething else?"
I paused and lit a cigarette. You looked over the table
at me, the waiter hovered in the background. I watched him
over your shoulder. You thought I was staring at you to
make you uncomfortable. You do feel vague! y
uncomfortable.
You bite your lip for a moment. "What was Dr. Joy
talking about? Are you going to tell me what happened after
that?"
I exhale smoke in your face. "No."
6reafJBst
WITH A HEALTHY
P.5.
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Prepared and distributed by lh•
makers of Mott's apple juice, o pp l" un1r(!
cider, vinegar, and jell i.:•
'
�Ode lo My Eighi O'Ciodt
( iL· 1 1 111 L<1gc11w1111
iviany µoets and bee; ads
Glorify sunrises ior their awe,
;na1esty
But I
Don't like sunrises
Because they are
Too early.
i
' 1( ,; ,) .
~
h
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' .. ·;,, .' }
~ " k~ .- ·"L
It
"Those who find themselves ridiculous:
Sit down next to me."
Xaft Minor :: Bently (t11e jeffersons)
Jhey Witherfunk : : Jimmy Washington (WBKotter)
Stay Jovial! :: Alex Keaton (family ties)
Gerritt Lagemann :: Jack ritter (3's company)
Dave Sears :: Arnold Drurrimonci (diff'rent strokes)
Mission Statement
THE RAT ' S Ass
IM
1s A PUNCTUATED
EQUILIBRIUM KALIBRATIO~~
INSTRUME~H
DROPPED AMONG THE GEARS AND COGS
OF TEMPORAL METAPHORS ABOUT THE
ETYMOLOGY OF THE EVOLUTION OF THE
ETERNAL
NOW:
AS SUCH IT IS PRODUCED
BY RHODES STUDENTS WHO ARE REPRESENTING NO OPINIONS BUT THEIR OWN.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH AN
ARTICLE, TAKE IT UP WITH ITS AUTHOR.
AND REMEMBER, AS PYNCHON POINTS OUT,
ONE MAY NEVER GET TO TOUCH THE MASTER,
BUT ONE MAY TICKLE HIS CREATURES.
They streak the sky with odd smudges ' b , i:l ·
and rose, but pour he bails of shalt~r , g
white light upon 1ny head.
Out! Out! Damned ligf-it!
~
Foul and ugly, like the chance mi11i~t~r
rainbow from a piece of crystal ;,
Ejected and stapled to my creme-coforei
concrete walls.
Too small! Too yellow! Too insignific
In my mornings of chronic tiredness, jt :· ·
1 1
eyes and smooth inky newsprintr
1
~ ,
You are much too feeble to crack r~y ~r . , 1 ,p'b
bleakness and bring my daily dose qt · !
q
Sunsets, however , are truly the
l1alo .
Brilliant , rich ubiquitous hues
across my evening sky
.
Reflecting its striking salmon pinks , ~~: ,
blue hues and cries off the milky,., Cl9
Truly life's most graceful film.
Lacking in action, perhaps,
nonetheless.
If I am bored with sunsets,
bored with lite.
· i;
the original performance
'ioo.o ' •'
!"
LOOKS LIKE
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Ill th<' Wt•e k of D.
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trou '<'!'. " · 11!1;.ims ca nn ot find a house for his fami l . An I
ie gm·n11mC'11t look ~60 in taxes out of his S1G1l pay ~jlCl'k.
1~3-
5) pinching
6) 666666
7) Numerology
8) Daughdrill
9) Libby
10) Brouhaha
11) God
12) riots
13) ducats
14) fat
15) booty
16) spacestation
17) women's goat room
18) tomorrow
19) operation
20) flame
21) dineophile
22) squirrels
23) coffee
24) cover-up
25) rubbing-out
26) \Wishing-up
27) passing-through
28) 28
29) tree-labels
fly-fishing
sophistry
inversions
<ldministralion
34) iists
42) Rat's Ass
30)
31)
32)
33)
.. ---·. - ·
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·1) You
2) Rhodes
.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The The Rat's Ass, January 19, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 16
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publication, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 19, 1996. The front page has Stay Joviall talking about the "Gravity Well." Jhay Witherspoon gives some needed advice while Gerrit Lagemann tells us about his Eight O'clock. On the last page Xaft Minor lists off things to object to.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, Gerritt Lagemann, Sears Dave, Xaft Minor
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8f88801052032e4de3ce2c20a0834fb0.pdf
6df61a952a4780e852fe81d8746a01e3
PDF Text
Text
I I
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Cephalization
lnside -your mind \urks
lhc \abyrinlh coral caves
eX\)\ore the dcvine
·1> )1 •' ~~ raph ic ;1I
1
/II)
·
.tvlany schismatic
seizures and a juicy pile
..........._~ ol shcnarnµ..11 1..
:
.
up 111 hv reci pe
how mcm1 vc ni cn f
�Can't Get No 'Trane:
~
t.~;~ ...~
~~
..
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~-
Staph Bachs
Stay Joviall
Super-retro-d'ir
Xaft Minor
David Sears
Styx
Jay Witherfunk
"I
didn't
by
Jay
come
A Moment in the Life.
Li Po
no
monkey I "
Witherfunk
do·:
.. :
{
~ So~'ione
once said that _
the world
~J.11 al~Ji.¥~: have more dumb ~Jople~ t.han
"'Bmart,,~~P.,~~, but I say that the smart
peop~')tf~l eventually fig4re o~~ a . ~ay to
mak~~~~k dumb people's ignorance .
irrelevant.
So you, and you know who you are,
didn't come from a monkey. That's fine
and good. So the world is only ten
thousand yfi!a,~\l\~t9'l.d. ~ Whatever you say.
Scientis\~are bias~d because if the good
people o~ the world ·~new that the history
of the earth was incapsulated in one book
(THE Book)/·~h~f.1 .they [the sci entists]
would go out of business. You know, 't" , ..
that's quite insightful.
I believe you .
I am not mocking
you.
I am ser ious. But could you .,
·"please
just step into this box her e? It na~ been
engineered by scientist s who are
' -.,..:
completely un~u:r;-e . Qf, ¥hat the hell they
are doing. ¥Aft(~.~iitf.I· to put you in it and
shoot you into space, · ~~t you will
probably be all . .r.~~N: ~ ,Qecause you will
eventually hit £he e~ge of t he universe
where God will catch ' you in a big, wellwor n baseball mi tt. Whoosh. I aill not
mocking you.
I
. " --
u~-
I
.
Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next
day, someone wi ll show you, p e r haps
someday you'll see with cleaner eyes .
~~
//(/
..."\QT
"Couldn't believe that shit! All those energy
locusts and perp fiends, man..... kk-razy."
Pepe pushed the wire brush in and out of the
barrel of his revolver with contemplative playfulness,
his mouth bunched up to one comer, his eyes
squinty. I lighted a cigarette and studied him
as he cleaned his gun. His tie was loose, twisted
slightly to one side. His dredlocks were pulled
back in a tight pony-tail.
I yawned, took a drag. "The frequencies
were all wrong. If those retro-matrices hadn't
opened on the slipback we could've gotten
: an anti-matter fix and regulated the relocation units."
I finger the remote control for a moment. Miles
was homing the first few bars of hotel from that
French film's soundtrack, so I turned it up.
Pepe shook his head violently. "Fuck that
shit! Naw! Fuck it! rm sick and tired of pulling for
the slack of all them clean-genes. Fuck them!" He
. jerked his wrist and the cylinder hopped into place.
He spun it and pointed at an imaginary target in
,, the distance. "P-kow. Dead."
Those to whom I am directing this
article wilk~·prol-.u~bly not read it. Even
i f they
they 'wlil not be easily
· s\'f~Ye~ • .
..
.
·(·1·.i~'\Ai
.
by stay joviall
Allen Ginsburg
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
e.e. cummings
Edgar Allen Poe
Langston Hughes
from
\
e
't;:;~ ~
-
','' 7
~{ -,
~
'"
I shrugged and changed the topic. "Sensei
~
told me at last Tuesday's Groovitation that
McAlester is getting in two shipments next
Thursday. Bill told me--"
Pepe stood up and cut me off. "Yeh. Coo.
Has Susan given you those C'rravity Innublation seeds?"
He tossed the revolver on the love..seat. '.'That chick
been puttin me off for weeks. ({~ don't get the
seeds soon, we won't be able to harvest in time for
the Holocaust Jam this summer!" He walked to the
window and peeped out the blinds.
I snuffed out my cigarette and shrugged. "Dan
said we couldn't do it anyway. The pH of the Temporal
Agitaion Growing medium we've got just won't cut it."
I rubbed my beard and laughed. "That's okay though ...
I saw this cat last spring give a lecture on this crazy
shit called sideshadowing. It makes a lot more sense now. 11
Pepe turned, and a smile like Voodoo bile crept
up on his lean blackb~autiful face. "Don't tell Jennifer. 11
�The Rat's Ass is yo' mama N
.
Hello. I know your ev
. on-recursive dualities re ur .
.
complaints about come;k~~ve. The Rat's Ass does n~ a~rt~te _rn a '90s sort of way
Ass production. All opinio s. Co~plaints generally distur:t~crate ~x~essive leaka~e, or
ns are mine, and not your's. Avoid t~ equlrbnum nessecary for Fi
e gray material.
Neo-Gcntific Outervicw #495
Sub-species Dogmatogram, Ty1»e A
,. Slarting Point: The leashes of Hies uneatth tinlinabulalory
moking pints. Have you seen the off switch for the
Lntropy Generation Proto-vims?
#number: Target leavetaking towards wastrel-bingo. Hugenols reify ether.
Lax forlilulc forms fumigation. Let's get out of time.
Below the waste products of retro-inductrializ.ation leave hints of proto-retro-anti
legality. Maybe we should eat psychotropics to help the situation. Good-bye to the days
of dream-reality, hello relativity.
Relative to wastrel-bingo hut hinging on psychotropic perspectivism.
Findings: Availability aids in production
2
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 24
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 12, 1996. This issue of the Rat's Ass has a Haiku about our minds. Jhay Witherspoon writes an article about how he didn't come from a monkey, and yes he's completely serious! Stay Joviall follows up with a moment in his life. On the last page is a study on Sub-species Dogmatogram, Type A.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, David Sears, Xaft Minor, Styx
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/c593064b70066de23930722b9eb6bcde.pdf
780bf26b85c9e43b1e1ca9fe7da9f856
PDF Text
Text
Reality Ill: Narrative of a narrative narratology Jl'/uinstrudil'll
building. Iola Jessop ragtime escalates. l3ou11ting values, lwisb
and darkness. Pushing inlo. Trcadc. Streams of lrcack.
Reality #2: I'm nol quite sure what is going on, bul there is this
gooey bump on my nose.
(enter 111idu.1ives in Lradiliunal 'l'aliilia11 reasanl gar fl, wlw Ul~I
rose petals 011 tile page and stage, and walk in ullt' a11ul/1e1 's url1il
like a sidaeal square da11ce)
Minorcalily II l.3: Whal lhe fm:k? I thought this wus the WVl'r
article. Say, who's writing this? Anu who arc you, anyway?
Surculily #1.4: orange cronmgma haughty flagellum grawling
vou11l pruuucn
Reality #1: Trcudc. GoJJamn. the lrcudl'. Opt·ralivl'
Jiversilies gdls in gu.11 polarity freeze gantry whiskstops gaunt
upgraues. treadl' welli11g oul of the earth.
Reality #2: Shaz.bul! I should have known it all along, you guys
arc WEIRD. Why JiJn'l you just say so in the first place? treacle
my inner thigh, guys. yuu slill shoulJn'l go arounJ slapping
boogcrs on other people/ s faces.
(exe1111L # 2, enter dogged arteries and ln·m l disease)
Minoreality 111.3 type B: Wlrnt's lrcadc?
Nonrealily:
Mirco-sur/supcr co11lroleJ/mcJia rcLllily lll " (<>.33333 repealing:
being vs. 11011-bcing? Is there nothing or lite liJtk of nothing? SenJ
answers care of RAT's ASS. Thankyou for you support.
llDIDIH
�The Rat's Assn• is a meager
attempt by your peers to do something creatiue and stimulating
instead of consumptiue and riddled
with not goingness. Into which
catagory do most of your personal
actiuities fall? This pseudo-publication
has no ties with R11odes College,
so if you take offense at the contents,
take it up with the author, and
·reassess your personal ualues/
they
theY
His breath comes in white plumes beneathe the street lamp,
hands buried deep in coat pockets,
stepping back and forth pensively, but not pacingThe other man approaches wordless,
extends a package while accepting a wad,
departs with a curt nod of coal eyes
The first man returns to his flat with the package
examines the contents on a stained coffee table:
Two men and a deck of cards.
The first man steps back and forth pensively,
hands buried deep in coat pockets,
breath coming in white plumes beneathe the street lamp.
The other man approaches wordless,
extends a package . ..
�.,
3
.
-r Nl. l
;.~
;
Long Greeri Excalibur Raised
Lincoln Contine
by Jayzus Wilherfunk
Okay. That's it. I am going to start
kicking ass.
Those of you who know me know that I
can kick some ass, and ass·ldcldng will be an
endeavor which I am soon going to belabor.
Because I am pisscJ.
Those of you who arc acc.1uainlcJ wilh my
habils anJ pcrsonalily arc t1uilc aware of ils
explosive and l[Uile Jaunling charaderislics. You
know lhal I can be one pissed-off molherfucker,
and this time they have simply gone too far.
They have, those personality-less, buttsucking, thought-vacuumed sons of bitches,
actually mustered up the audacity, the pubescent,
match-stick humored gall, to ... no, you won't
even believe if I tell you. I mean I am PISSED
: OFFiii!! Anger Is seeping oul of my pores like a
· lhick slab of lasagna rage cooking in my belly,
and I can'l move wilhoul stirring up lhe smell of
il. IL clings lo my flesh like a cocoon.
And anyone who has seen a cocoon knows
that it's tough shit if you're in a cocoon and you
don't have the welders equipment necessary to
; penetrate its bonds. That's how pissed off I am
right now. It's all around me. I could rip out my
own tongue and throw it at my dog. My dog's
still happy. Baslard.
So lhese mulalion·induced freaks of
humanity, I don'l really know lhem (lhey mighl
· . __ ,-' •. ,--_..-."""••"":m:;; -1 be walching me righl now), but Lhey decide Lhal,
___ ,1-, . .,_, ..} ··:-:::~,~~;;i
....
.
··~·\:($·.·~'·ti.(;>·;;±~. :-.. •. \' _ .~ .. .;
:
:&:ii1~,r,_--;h·. Y · · .·- ..~" oul of all lhe olher human beings on lhe planel
.. - (including richer and beller•looking people), I
was the BEST PROSPECT they could come up
with. That's how audaciously inundated with
audacity these people have always been. They're
just twerpy little chunks of goo in a stranger's
- vomit.
And right now I, loo, could really blow
some chow because I AM PISSED!! My entire
system is a swirling swalh of ire spiraling toward
revenge. I am going lo starl kicking ass. Heard il
· , laere first, kids. Dr. Dealh is on the prowl and
nobody is safe but the squirrels because they're
hard to catch. That's it and that's lhal.
AND
TlH\T'S
THAT.
'
I
I
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 26, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 17
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 26, 1996. This Rat's Ass was called the 'That Special Issue." The front page features a Cover Story that depicts our realities. Stay Joviall brings up a deal. The last page has Jhay Witherspoon brinig up how he can kick some ass.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, Chris Brown, Martin Fox, Kevin Mathews
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/eb3d0e130196672276fbe255f0427bc4.pdf
04af5a3e4b140d1ae3a575d49d43a7e0
PDF Text
Text
which declare that things
our sensory organs are
totally incapable of
reg~stering are things
~h1ch do not exist; that
1. The New Way has
1s, t~e New Way is
written its manifesto in a agamst assuming that we
language which does not
are equipped with
utilize prepositionallvsensory organs which in
circumscribedspatiality
prin~iple can perceive al I
(e.g~ , "what's going
that 1s perceivable.
on?", "what's it all
9. The New Way is in
about?").
favor ?f HappySoft
2. The New Way
Sunshme Love Bunnies
endorses products which
and the violence at the
were not produced and
core of even the most
are uncomsumable; the
gentle child.
New Way is not against
10. The New Way
and not for consumer
supports novel octaves
reaction against the mass of Orange and dark
production of Truth and
imbroglios of Purple.
Reality.
11. The New Way is in
3. The New Way
favor of redefining the
encourages apprehending word "definition."
Reality like a felon and
12. The New Way
doing so in a
'
re~nds us that the High
conceptual/linguistic
Pnest of Poetry is Miles
framework which
Davis, and that Ham/et
operates primarily in the
was written by a finite
square root of the 5th
number of monkeys.
dimension and the -2nd
dimension, rather than in 13. Th~ New Way's
mantra 1s not "GO!", but
the usual three.
rather "go ... ".
4 ·The New Way is
better than the Old Way.
5. The New Way is
radically opposed to
conceptually subsuming
the idea of "thouoht"
under the idea 0 {
"I anguage."
6 ·The New Way is in
favor of transcending
both subjectivity and
objectivity; the New Way
o_ poses all apparent
p
epistemological limits
which are a function of
arbitrarily predicated
rationalities.
7 ·The New Way is a
way for the people.
._
~·The New Way resists' · .
mterpretations of Reality ;:~' .
The Knew Weigh
by Stay Jov iall
~$1\tf.il~)~"~~
�,,JhL
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
STOBJ
Tooty Fruity
~o experience with metaphorically eating a banana i
the other night, and
wa~ kind of stumped, s~ i
even in my dream i could
tried rubbing it against my
tell it wasn't a normal
ear and jumping on it but
dream. ·it was an allegory.
t<? no avail · then th~ banana
i knew because I am still
sighed and murmured "he'll
getting flashbacks from
never get it." well, i was
taught never to let a banana
A Pilgrim's Progress.
Anyway, in this dream i
~e condescending to me, so
was really hungry, and
i walk~d over to some guy
had been for a long time.
conveniently placed in the
then i opened my backpack
c<?rn~r of my dream and asked
and inside was a banana,
him if he wanted to buy the
filling the dark interior
Banana of Enlightenment
with an almost glistening
he said sure, but that he
yellow. i was going to
only had 15 cents. i took the
think, 'you know, bananas
money and handed him the
shouldn't be this bright,'
banana, and then went to a
but couldn't because it
g7ocery store that have those
wasn't really significant
little machines in the front
to the allegory, so instead and bought myself a really
i thought, 'wow, i've been
colorful hi-bounce ball and
carrying this around the
an adorable plastic ring.
whole time and didn' t even
they make me happy.
know it!' and then the
but i still think it's .neat
banana spoke to me, which
:hat the s<?urce of all truth
i knew was strange but didn't >resented itself to me in
want to tell the banana that. .he form of a phallic symbol.
tom logue
the banana said "peel me,"
so i did, and all of a sudden
everything was filled with
the purest and brightest
light i had ever seen, nay,
experienced in my life. the
banana looked like it was
golden. i was kind of
freaked out, because i knew
eating gold was bad for you,
but remembered it was just a
dream. and then, before i
could do anything else, the
banana commanded me again:
"eat me." well, what do you
tell a golden banana? i
raised it to my mouth and
it almost screamed "no, no,
you dumbass! that was meant
metaphorically, remember this
is an ALLEGORY. " well, having
...,~
IMHO all networds are
stupid. A netword is a word
frequently used in Internet
lingo. Nctword is a
netword, and I hate
networds. Other words that
I don't care to mention. Likt.
Internet, WWW, cyber-,
netiquette. FYI, I work on
the Internet everyday ; ) I
know networds, I know
nctiquette. I hate it. HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN FLAMED
BY SOMEBODY WHO
UI'
llY TllE
~
1I
·
~~~'~~:~:~::~::~ion Age, ~~
E N l·..\I Y
" Ahhh!, what a
pleasant afternoon!", thought
Ed to himself. A wonderfully
refreshing breeze would slide
by every now and then as he
strolled boldly along the
highway leading to the local
bar. He was conducting
conversation with himself as he
usually did when he was alone.
It provided him with what he
referred to as 'stable
feedback' . His therapist tried
upon many occasions to
convince him that he had
multiple personalities but he
insisted that he had only one
personality containing two
distinct perspectives. He
found this extremely
convenient because he could
always consult himself for
another viewpoi nt. His steps
were firm and deliberate, for
he was ovenvhelmcd with
confidence as he made his way
'
to The Pleen(the local bar).
Sometimes he would give
himself poor advice but
, ,.- ·
noticed that it worked in cycles
, I
and that good advice was
--" '· . \
certain to follow these periods.
/
\ '··1,,
Yesterday he was in his private
;
lab when he got the glorious
I
idea to rid himself of that
/
horridly annoying step-son of /
his. He whipped up a lethal
/
substance that would be close i
to impossible to trace. After ( · )
consulting himself he spik~ \ , ________/
the glass which he had decided
his step-son would sure to
drink from but to his surprise
it was his wife who consumed
it and croaked shortly after. It
was terribly unfo11unate, he
killed his wife and still had to
deal with that insane little
bastard. It was quite possibly
the worst decision he had ever
made. Looking on the
positive side of l~lC !nci~e~1t, he
was incapable ot n11sgu1dmg
himself today. So he pedalled
/
-
NETWORDS WON'T GET.
,
The info b a h n h as enough of
that as it is.
l·.f\;l ·. :\ llE S S ll ,\1.1. NOT LEAVE IN TllEE ONE sruNE Ul'ON A NOTllE!t" : E TllEl.l.IEl(S CllUHClf , HI.OWN
·~
THINKS THEY ARE
COOLER THAN YOU
BECAUSE THEY SPEND
ALL THEIR TIME SITTING
IN FRONT OF A
1 ~
·
COMPUTER LIKE I DO,
·~
,_,
AND THAT GIVES THEM
....
THE RIG HT TO SCREAM
~
AT YOU BECAUSE THEY
KNOW MORE ABOUT
NETIQUETTE? DO YOU
FEEL LIKE I'M
SCREAMING AT YOU
RIGHT NOW? ACTUALLY
l'M JUST WRITING. If you
ever decide to start your
own Internet consulting
firm, Web design firm, or
"'~
access provider please, as ~. . , _t_i,,:,i~.l,j
<
1...... . .....~1
most people seem inclined \'ih<:;/Bv
futuristic-sounding made-up
word like cyberlink,
netscape or vantck 8 ( And
if you ever develop a FAQ
for people to learn
something, don't call it a
FAQ (FGS - that stands for
For God's Sake, and I just
made it a netword : )THE
BOTTOM LINE IS, IF YOU
KNOW NETWORDS (AS
EVERYONE SHOULD)
DON'T USE THEM TO SAY
. THINGS NOBODY WHO
DOESN'T KNOW
T lll N E
by Dave Sears
NO NETWORDS. KNOW NETWC :'DS
by ross gohlke
more story at a lower price! see inside for details!
! was having a dream
lumsell along, watclung the
cars increase in speed as they
.
.approached J1im. In the
distance he could sec a human
or something stretched across
the ground. He pedalled faster
lo satisfy his curiosity. A
teenage boy lie on the ground
exhibiting some very odd
behavior. His body alternated
between catatonic episodes and
inch worm like movements.
Ed was bafl1ed at this sight and
began to speak with himself
about this display.
"This is rather peculiar, what
do you make of this here
Pecauw
"Pickin' up hitchhikers" 14-0CT-1995 07:46:23.01
·,
; ..
.
'/
'
.'
·!
.··
)
.,·
i ..·' '
....
.'
/
/
/
scene. So he continued hi ~
walk to gel a beer which he
needed more than ever nm\
was still about 15 minutes
away by ftx)L He spoke wi ,
himself some more to pass 1
time more quickly.
"What was wrong with that
lad. That crazy bastard wa ~
yanking his body apart."
"I would assume that he wa
111 a bad mood or somclhin:
"WIIAT!! That was a little
more extreme than a bad
mood. fic' s probahly back
there ripping the rest of
Lad."
himself lo pieces."
'Tm not sure I know what
1-Ie was abou{ to pass a little
your talking about."
residential area that didn't
"Arc you not aware of this lad look inviting. Again to his
here before us doing crazy
surprise a nice gentlemen
things with his body?"
approached him .
"I don't see a boy before us" "Whazup bro? "
The boy then began to foam
The man lhrOw his hand out
heavily from the mouth and
for a little friendly shake. 01
proceeded to rip his fingers.
side of his jacket opened
off one by one. He threw Ins slightly so that Ed noticed
fingers at Ed's face landing
some gold watches and a bag,
one right in his ear. The
of sugar.
exposed knuckle tic*d the
"Say mayne, you'awnt need
inside of his ear and sent a
keep better track yourself, ol,
chill throughout his body.
boy here take care ya"
"Alright, you've got a serious ''I'm not certain what your
fucking problem if you don't asking me."
feel this dismembered finger
"I hear ya bro, looking for ;;
in our ear"
little pecauw"
"Actually I was kidding with The meu whipped out the
you. I noticed this boy on the plastic bag of sugar. Ed
ground all along. I didn't
thought to himself, "Am I
expect him to start flinging his running low on sugar? I
fingers at us though."
wonder if this fellow is .
The boy had exhausted his
offering a good deal."
supply of fingers on his left
A police officer was driving
hand and moved on to his
by, stopped, cuffed the man
toes. Ed realized it was
and hauled him off before b
probably time to exit the
could even find out how mut
he was charging.
"That's really unfortunate, I
guess its illegal tu sell sugar
without a proper license, wlwi
do you think"
"I think your a moron. Thai
man was not selling sugar"
He ignored himself for the n:
of the journey. All he really
wanted at this point was to ha
a beer but unfortunately the
bar was closed by the time he
got there .
He began to walk back only 1
realize that his imagination IL
gotten the best of him today.
He had been sitting on his
couch all along planning a tri
to the bar.
�Unrelated Titl e:
Everything is Related
TO GOTO HELL
by Jay-baby Withe rsp oon
Do nothin~! .You 've already done enough! "For the
wages of sm is death ;" Romans 6 :23a .
As I walke d down the street, I noticed something at my feet. I 1irst
looked around, and then back down. It was furry and cute, and nestled right
up to my boot, until I squashed its cute little furry face with my big-ass steeltoed boot, and mashed it with my heel a little more to make sure that every
last rhyme oozed out of its fluffy little cute furry face, and then I picked it up
and ate it just to spite its memory. It tasted cute.
And then, as I stepped around the next corner, which a few days
earlier, unbeknownst to the reader of this sentence or the coroner's office
around a different corner, had been the location of swirling winds, I spied
with an acute eye, trained through years of imaginary wanderings through
the hallowed temples of nonsensical clauses, and still quite unbeknownst to
the coroner's office, a sight which called forth in my mind, most hallowed in
its hallowing of frightening experiences, oh dear God, I am afraid of this
sentence, a beast not nearly so calm and cuddly as the afore-mentioned,
which now being quite squashed into a pulp whose uneaten parts remains
untouched to this day in the office of our hallowed coroner, who still does
not know his own sphincter from a black hole, but a beast with a frightful
gown of black and a flat hat and large teeth and wide mouth, staring straight
into my eyes, looking for its next witless victim. But I busted his shit up, too.
Whap! Poweel I said. Blom! and Kershmack! And I took my big-ass boot
and, with but a few concise motions, knocked every blooming clause out of
him. He tasted like rhetoric.
I moved onward, my steps ringing in my ears like so many clanks of
life's lonely bell, taking me into the dark unknown of my future. When I saw
the third and last beast (for now), with eyes through which one could see the
very brink of eternity, fear stole across my frame and danced a jig across my . spine. But I rose to the challenge with the determination of a young chick
hatchling, shoving back the protective shell of innocence to faco a bright
world whose slings and arrows might find their mark on my soul, but only to
scar my tender skin and make it stronger. Or, suffice it to say I also kicked
his ass. I crammed my big-ass continent of a boot right into his puny little
mouth and watched pathetic cliched poetry fly from his bloodied lips. He
tasted like a can of gooey worms.
MTICLE
_
turtl!1~o::x~ ~~~=:~.p:h::~:p:Yo}~~:~o~~~:~t; ~;~ t:Je~~; :~;~· £1fS?~i~~~t.~ ~\'
my
love, my boot love, my croon of - - my sounds. So kick 1t on down to the
..;
. ·
sound mound, a round mound of sound, and bound around. I'm down with
·~·
sound, and use it for my own pleasure and purposes. Porpoises spit, flom
bip, flap crip, but always sit shimmy.
The preceding sounds and subsequent thought undulations were
brought to you through a bitchin' assembly and cooperation of millions of
tiny neurons and corpuscles. Hope your own chemical/electrical reaction
was a good on~~
:.;:~-', _~~~~,0~~
..... ·
\
\
·~~
'J
~
An artist's conception of the vertical-rising, disc-shaped aircraft
being developed by the U .S. Air force and resembling the
popular conception ot the " flying saucer."
Staph Box:
~
·
W
THE RAT's Ass™
'"
itherspoon - spoon
p
IS A PHOUNDATIONAL
tom logue - moon
o:~::HORESCENCE OF PHUNKT!ONALLy
. .
NKED PHONDNEss PH
ta yJOVla II - h diddle diddle
s
ey
AlT
.
AILURE TO
;--:
' maft otixrn -cat
RI BUTE THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED
.~
HEREIN SOLELY TO THEIR AUTI;
i'~l
dave Sears - fiddle
RESULT IN A
ORS WILL t)~i
t..
PHALLACY OF PHENOMEN
!ri;(!
ross go hi 1\1: - cow
PHREQUENCY AND PHOR...
AL Jiff~
h. b
,., O/oo
?i;•I•;.
c ns rown-knife .
~~~~?~~~~~:~li
.. -----'-·-- -·--·-....'~i?!l..~= ~::..... .. . ·- .· - ..-,,.-·=-o~·""'=-'~."~'··~·"·=·~:7::~:.."::::=:io:=.:•:• 20:
Jr...
' 111:y
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 22, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 22, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass had "Please Don't Laugh" written on it. The front page has Stay Joviall giving a list of "The New Way." Dave Sears talks about Pecauw. On the last page Jhay Witherspoon tells us how "Everything is Related."
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Dave Sears, Ross Gohlke, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/29c4a2deff9c4ad7cf00da91a3c5c752.pdf
bf8716168a88713ecee90830e4631757
PDF Text
Text
'•
A Dialogue
Angry Reader:
I FIND THE RAT's Ass™
FRIVILOUS, OB.JECTIONABLE AND OBSCENE .
WHY DO YOU FORCE ME TO READ
11?
Rat's Ass™ Spokesperson: First of all it
is very difficult for the composers of
the Rat's Ass™ to acknowledge the
existence of other people, much less
attach any importance to their
opinions. Those we do acknowledge
we see as purely for our
entertainment, and take great
pleasure inwatching them squirm.
As a matter of fact I feel as if
I'm engaging in a conversation with
myself right now. Your own
weakness forces you to read it. We
have ceased hiring thugs to increase
our circulation, although it is
commonly brought up in the
meetings of our cabal.
A
BEAUTY!
c!lra.1/
A.R.:
l'M SPEAKING TO A PERVERTED BUTT-
PIRATE WHO IS FOND OF LITTLE BOYS!
Narrator: The Angry Reader is reduced
to Nothingness, and restored as a
donkey testicle with a slightly angrier
voice.
A.D.T.:
<MUFFLED> WHAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM? I'M NOW ENCLOSED IN A
A.R.:
BUT WHAT OF JOURNALISTIC
SCROTUM!
RESPONIBILITY TO THE COMMUNITY?
R.A.™S.P.: Are you not listening? We
don't recognize Community as an
operative concept. Especially not
capitalized. Our responsibility is to
the Rat's Ass™, except some of us,
who place their dedication in deitites
of our own creation.
R.A. ™S.P.: You are asking about my
concern for your opinions? I can take
you more seriously in your current
form.
A.D.T.:
I OB.JECT TO YOUR USE OF THE
ADVERTISEMENTS FROM Goo-FEARING
TIMES, TO YOUR AVANT-GARDE
TYPOGRAPHY, AND TO THE PORNOGRAPHY
A.R.:
WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS NEGATIVE CRAP
ABOUT Goo?
IT'S OBVIOUSLY .JUST A
BUNCH OF SHIT.
CONTAINED IN YOUR PUBLICATION.
IT'S
KIND OF NICE IN HERE.
WE ALL KNOW THE
TRUTH.
R.A.™S.P.: Blasphemous Bastard. Are
you aware to whom you are
speaking?
Narrator: Rat's Ass™ Spokesperson
giggles at the squirming sack, and
destro s it a ain.
GO!!
�WHAT TH£ SCIENTISTS HAVE
A Response To Red·emption - hy: chris hrown
For (the son
<1f) 111<11111111.1 he
·1
TO~ .
Sheepish Logarhythm
slain
by Stay Joviall
S11LL Loo King 4 a savior - save your (asS)
Rhythm: metrical movement or flow
as detennined by the recurrence of
features of the same kind fr. L
rhythmus or F. rhythme -Gr.
rhuthm6s, rel. to rhein flow. (_
it is so easy to criticize a stranger: a nigger, a jaw, an addict.
ReCkLEss Youth : LoSTsOUL
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
THe knowledge <faged hones they know not (sigh)
The following excerpt from Gregor Samsa's
journal is to be used for our next class
1 meeting as a paradigm of Animistic Butter
Fluttonizationism. Please come to class
• ..._~ prepared to discuss the sex, gender, and
object choice implications of a functiona l
and a p riori deconstructive reading of this
text in Sanskrit.
"Tching prayed on the mountain and
wrote MAKE IT NEW
on his bathtub.
Day by day make it new
cut underbrush
pile the logs '
keep it growing."
-Ezra Pound, Cantos #53
Will you let
me be
YouR saViOuR?
Fill you with (a) LI {F} E ..
L.L.I
Q..
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOG
OGOGO!
c:::> I
::C
Maybe it was my fault. I mean, I was the one that got
.- ~p and put on all black. l pulled my hair up into a bun
~
antj put o n my most serious face before I stepped out
c:::> of the house. I suppose, though, that my first
encounter with small Japanese children has since
shaped my later encounters ...some warped kiddie
hermeneutic. Akiko-chan, my ho st-sister's friend,
came to the house for the sole purpose of viewing me.
Herro ... Look at her hair ' And her while ski11. Gosh,
she really is a gaiji11. Listen to her ji11111y
accent... make her sc~v more ...That was manageable
because Akiko-chan was so cute. Then her three yearold sister peered ·around the corner to see me. She
c:::C flattened herself against the far wall and edged
towards me. I smiled and she wailed . I felt like
Medusa. She cried for ten minutes, unable to leave the
room o r listen to her mother, who also came to view
me, as she tried to give her a cookie and quiet her I
couldn't leave the room, because I would have scared
her to death had I moved an inch. So I sat at the table,
miserable, because I caused the nervous breakdown of
a small child.
As you read these words
'
my existence is propelled.
CAN
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
oWN
you
go gou pt. went, pp.gone twalk·
move along, proceed. OE.gan, pr~.
ga,gcest, pl.gap, ppgegan + OFris.
gan, gen, pres. 3sgget(h),geith, pp.
gen, OS. -gan, inful/gan accomplish
(Du.gaan), OHGgan pres.gam,
gas, gat, games, gat, gant, andgen,
pres. f!em, ges, etc. (Ggehen), CrimGothicgeen (not in the Gothic of
?
Wulfila).
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOG
OGOGO!
taff Box
Jay Witherspoon: soap
Ann Mccranie: towel
Dave Sears: toothpaste
Chris Brown: shaving cream
Martin Fox: razor
Stay Joviall: water
The Rat's Ass is a student-produced
publication planted among the many
others on this campus by unseemly
and manipulative powers greater than
all of us. There are no restrictions
on what is published, and should
you be offended by its contents,
take issue with the staff and anticipate certain morphological/animalislic transformations occurring.
Have a nice day.
9l&ll
AGENTS,COME and EXA~flNl~
I
An Invent!on urgently ne_ded by every body, or sample•
e
eent free by mail for 50 els., which retail• for $G ea•lly, by
R. L. WOLCOTT, No. 170 Chatham &1unre, N. Y. .
Then came the hordes of little children that I passed
everyday. They all wear the cutest little unifom1s, but
don't let anybody tell you that uniforms create a wellbehaved child. As I sat down one day in the park
reading an assignment, two little girls approached me
and pulled at my hair. They were obviously not
frightened. I turned around and after a moment's
hesitation, ate them both They were quite tasty, but I
would say that in picking out small children, footwea r
should be given the utmo st attention
eE~\!;~~~
�~~
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~~s0~12s1rrilit:~sAl.Ulu1~1irooMS.STl,CiN1 '
M1m~l~sNEEDts_~
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::::::~
H""' <1 :Llv. CllS
(.il::CIRCL&~~~I
H~ r~11~~~501WA1U ({/y.1SAi-lcPtJ§E's'D
~~nlllfrr¥FUL_.GOOD!O~~PAl!t ·1 °•.(l<~
:Zs•ri ;,-I3.WeSTBltu oKfr.-~ °.;,
<-"7:!';<
0
~
"-'-'·frit~cbllCG.Sililll
1 01
tJ,., ' 'J\,U'
Subscribe for GO Sanitary Commission Pack~s, and
get 1 No. 6 American Album Watch Free. Total, $15.
100 Pacbgcs, $25-1No.10 A. A. Wa;ch and 50 Phot0graphs Free. Every Package con;a1ns ~O Rare Cnrio•itios of Art, nsefal to all, and mil ea81ly pay 500
p•ir cent.- to Agents. Eve.r y Soldier, Patriot, Lady, or
s-..,nin ncor ono anm Ono Package, 25 cents, sent
ls
p 0 ,t-paitl hy R~t.nru Mail. Sond Stamp for Oal~!ogno.
_ B. WESTBROOK &
J,
100 Spring-St., N. Y•.
po.,
Fat Boy Feigns ti!.'liet in the Humor of Absurdity:
A Pen;onohty Te<! •
by Jay Witherspoon
9
What type ot personality do you have?
Tdon't know.
b) Ask my genetalia.
c) Get ott my case, you sack of ... (caustic slur ot
choice)!!!
d) IJoo-doo balls.
e) Youtl'llme.
a)
What does the word ;;undulate" remind you of?
a) Mom.
b) Hey, look!! I formed a tent-like structure in my
pants!!
c) Smegma.
What would you do in the event of thermonuclear war?
a) Stock up on creamed corn. I love creamed com.
b) Get wasted.
c) Dt·creasP in mass.
d) NUfHING.
e) Phlegm.
What do you bt·lieve to be the worst problem
with tht• world today?
a) I just can't get close to someone when they
smel I.
b) I cannot reconcile my belief in a benevolent,
omnipotent Creator with my longing for the
carnal pleasures of creamed com.
c) Everyone in the world should be more like me.
d) Undulation.
e) My sack is caught in my zipper!!l!!i!!!!!
What articles are in your pockets right now?
I lw elixir of everlasting orgasm and about
thirty-seven cents in change.
b) My booger collection.
c) Hey, my Rocket's in there!
J) You think I carry a newspaper around in my
pants?
l') Why don' t you come over here and find out?
<1)
i
~ ·~
J~i~
•.
' li A~.
··ti
CQ11
..
What is your favorite name for excrement?
a) Mom.
b) Brown creamed corn.
c) This question.
d) Television.
e) I allow my teces to name themselves.
1 think you are nice. Do you like me, too?
a) Eat my brown creamed com, spunky.
b) You do have a superb foreskin.
c) Is this a trick question, huh? What do you
want from me, freak?
What do you think about the following poem?
Hmmm
Ahhhh
I like to
run my fingers
through the gauntlet
that is my crotch.
And speak to him
in perfect Italiano.
a) Would someone mind telling me what the
hell is going on?
b) It is a childish attempt at humor, and the
author should attempt to gain some sort of
literary ability before he insults my
intelligence again.
c) HaHaHaHa. He's talking to his pecker!!
RESULTS:
You are weird.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 8, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 04
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from September 08, 1995. The front page of this issue features a debate between an angry reader named 'Angry Reader' and the Rat's Ass Spokesman names 'Rat's Ass Spokesperson.' Stay Joviall tells us 'What The Scientists Have To Say.' On the last page Jay Witherspoon talks about the Humor of Absurdity.
Creator
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Stay Javiall, Ann McCranie, Jhay Witherspoon
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81a904812cef2279ef980584fdca1756.pdf
16de7ad6520ab3bd3e24d58445c36d82
PDF Text
Text
-
•A Beacon of Self-Righteousness in these Evil Times•
(~
~\
11
Volume II Issue 6
excerpt from "I am Womban Hear
Me Roar" by Stacey Greenberg
was okay I 1 .
My final eighteen-wheeler
~om.b b~t sa~a~~ed around The
delivered me to the front door of
e Window th
one. Out of
an inviting bar called "The
empty. Just
streets were
Womb". I labored my worn out
~~~ed t~ the ta~ eyes
body and belongings through the
stared
bottle
swinging doors, plopped down
wonderinr up and down is ey. I
into a plush pink booth, and
ordered a Wild Turkey straight
hiding tha~ whdere she had b
up, no feathers. The waitress
hypothesis~"' fonned a solfden
rore Ipoured myself
gobbled knowingly and produced
my drink from behind her back.
"Mind if I join you?" she
said.
I was used to this
question. "As long as you don't
ask me what my sign is."
She produced another
Turkey and coke from under her
skirt, smiled, and joined me in the
booth. She sat so close that I felt
like a twin. "I know an aries
when I see one," was all that she
said, but she seemed to know
what she was talking about. She
looked like a wildflower and
smelled like honey. I started to
envy the bees.
"Oh yeah? About the only
thing I know right away is
whether a guy has a big penis." I
was nervous. I always talked
a shot S
about penises when I was
Propo~ed he did the
nervous.
"o-a toast.
same and
She licked her lips and
nere'
111·
And s to us "
said, "To tell you the truth I think
lvi1randa.
that's h OW[
.
penises are becoming obsolete."
met
This one I had never heard
before. A chill ran up my spine
and froze my nipples. I was
being seduced by a woman and it
u:
h~ntire
~f~~ _n~w
Tbe Rat's Ass is assembled by
a crack staff of Rhodes students
and/or friends, published
whenever the staff feels like it,
and distributed for mass
consumption in the domain of
actual campus publications, the
Rat. Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published. There is neither
regard for, nor claim of ~th,
so don't get on us about it.
Feel free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus mail
to anyone of the poor souls
listed here.
~
Jll
-:::: J"- '~
..
LNOVL.GWl ~OUR HlS
suPER
poWER
Pandora's Staff sox
StaeeY Qreenberg
Chuck scbafer
Mike Augspurger
Julie MeimaD
Ross Gohlke
cbriSBrown
Spite
Hate
Ma}ice
Penis Envy
JealOUSY
Halitosis
DuldrUJllS
Clay combs
l)iarrbea
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
canker Sores
�Real World Productions
by Jeff J. Gadomski
As the Rat's Ass Staff
Stripper and Rhodes College
ex-patriot, I, too, have a voice.
And my voice has a few choice
words for you', the great
"educated" masses: Oh please.
After having several weeks
worth of Rhodes daily minutae
literally thrown at me by my
fellow staffers and no less than
unfortunate roommates, I have
come to the acute realization
that perhaps some Rhodes folk
are not quite ready for what we,
speaking for everyone else in
the whole of the known
universe, like to call the real
world. Not to say that it
shouldn't be called the real
universe, but I figure if you're
not ready for your own world
yet, chances are you're
definitely not ready for the rest
of it. Let me further explain
by offering up a small test of
your Real World Adaptability
Times (RAT). Now, in this
case, we won't actually be
timing you for real (contrary to
the premise behind this
column) because, again, you're
probably not ready for it. Are
you wearing a watch with a
second-hand? I rest my case.
In any event, simply answer
the questions given and tally
up your score using the key
following the test. Ready?
Go:
1) You're at the office of the
leasing agent for your
apartment.
The annoying
women helping you has just
informed you that you will not
be given your original deposit
because, they say, you forgot
to wipe off the bathroom sink.
This will easily cost them the
FRYE'S FAMOUS BOOTS .
f ine quality
$100 you gave them in order to
have it taken care of.. .they say.
How do you respond to this
unfortunate dilemma?
a) Cry until they give you
the money
b) Tell them your daddy is
a lawyer, call him up, and have
him yell at the mean old lady.
c) Nimbly leap the counter
in order to better throttle the
woman with your bare hands
so as
to procure your money.
d) Say "OK. Thank you,"
quickly and ashamedly exit the
building without further ado
like the spine-less worm of a
wimp that you are.
2) Due to unfortunate and
untimely
financial
circumstances, you are being
hounded by any number of
people who like referring to
themselves as "collection
agencies" (not to be
misconstrued as "mafia"). The
money that they would like,
you do not happen to have and
are most likely not going to
find in the cushions of your
second hand couch. How do
you react to the nasty phone
call precluding an untimely and
surely unnatural accident that is
sure to follow?
a) Whine until they kill
you for humanity's sake.
b) Call your daddy, explain
the situation, and have him
send them the money.
c) Have your number
changed right after having your
hair colored and moving out of
state.
d) Offer them your
girlfriend, invite them to
Thanksgiving dinner at your
place, and thank them for
calling you a spineless piece of
puffed-up blowfish shit.
3) You have no food at your
apartment. You have just
moved and opened up a brand
new checking account. You do
not have your ATM card yet
and your checks are those plain
complimentary ones they give
you at the bank (not the cool
"Natural Scenery" ones that
you special ordered). After
spending 2 hours shopping at
the local grocery store, the
cashier tells you in her best !can't-believe-what-an-idiot-youare voice that they cannot
accept bank checks that have
no address printed on them. It
is after 5pm and the bank is
closed. You have a total of 79
cents in change on your
person. What is the logical
thing to do?
a) Put on your best pouty
face and hope the cashier thinks
it's so cute she gives you the
food.
b) Call your daddy, have
him fly in from Boston, and
make him pay for the food.
c) Beat the cashier soundly
about the face and head with
the bag of oranges you had
wished to purchase and make a
break for the door with as
much food as you can carry in
your shirt.
d) Realize the futility of
arguing with the GED failure
standing in front of you, thank
her, and head for Taco Bell
where you can have 5 whole
tacos that might even last you
until your checks arrive.
So. There you have it.
That's the test. How did we
do? As far as scoring goes, if
you answered anything except
D for . any of the above
questions, you're in for a very
large surprise when school's
over and your parents have
given you the "We didn't raise
a sponge" speech. If you
answered C, however, make
sure and send all your old
college buddies letter from the
"joint" because you and your
new wife, Billy Joe Jim Bob,
are going to have a lot of free
TO: REV. DAUGHDRILL
time on your hands.
--l
FROM: chns brown
Now then , I hope you all - I
DATE: OCTOBER 1, 1993
have learned a valuable lesson :;:from this. Stop all ·of your U
SIR, I also find the death
.
pathetic little crying and T I
but your attempt to conso~f ~~land Smith saddening,
whining about such stupid, ~
probably did more h
h e e student body
trivial little things that Rhodes
your memorandum r~:;n:~t~ood. I find this one section of
is doing, Certain things, such ·.-Ll
.
as Prof. Byers leaving ,
"There is little comfort in
.
.
,
educational standards of \I)
teaching, and other issues that. V'>'
we norm~l/y follow. The on~h~a r~~1onal and intellectual pursuits
concern your schooling and
comes with acceptance and fait~ mg comfort is the peace that
lmaz1ng New Way to
, a peace that passes u d
general life after school are, in
Even though th'
n erstanding.aEou
fact, important and should be
and that Judais's ~hool teaches that the Bible .
whined about as such .
I ask you to d. mis a coalescing of Mesopotam· ts full _ error
o_f
the size of your
However, when it comes to
1sconnect yo
.
tan reltg1ons
things like the "new" candle
io disow~ inte11ectua1 pursuY; ~·~hds from your emotions; ,
o trade in the r .
e name of psy h I .
.. .
.
•
and open-flame restriction
and to take I at~onal for the irrational
c o og1cal comfort for the k
.. ·- ..... "i.ake
imposed on dorm rooms (by no
so ace in th t
.
sa e of relig' . c'ilhbecause timeless word a keveryth1ng will be ok
No·""' -:···....
ton, iioW'
means intended to demean last
and Ii
s ta en from b
•
FA11 cuE 1
... ,
,
•
week's brilliantly elocuted
ttered With quasi-answ
a OOk fuf/ Of myth
~ R ci;nla r u f ~lcln,.·A·~,;i,;,;1· 'r cilt c
se.o
article by our own Julie
should be enough to soothe ;;: wh_ich must be heavily filtered
:;,~~se~~~"·~~:·~:·e :?l~~;:x;~;i;~~:.ffi~;~~~
On the contrary th' .
e pain and sorrow of 1· . .
by the educated m1·nd
;o .1o n c -1he
Meiman, a fellow Catholic and
Th '
• IS IS Utterly d'
.
IVtng in th'
/
is college teache .
isgustmg and re u
is word.
,n AT H OME
a damn fine complainer) or the
and that on t
h S tts students that this , h p gnant to anyone Who th· k
.
.iilc you rend yo ur
food in the Rat, look at it this
.
in s.
... or even sleep
new SYnt heSIS COncemin t we should t rust ft and COme tOB'bl e IS
.op t at , tha
. s w at the I
" '
...m AT THE OFFICE
.
·· · ~ ;.l "t;.. Y ..ope n,-yo ur mail.
o,u
way: if you don't like it, don't
I would th
g our tntellectu I
.
a
, ~ ''~p,g1; TH AN 3s o ooo OW NE
be the first in line to give the (}.J
ra er be a nihilist then b II
_ pursuits and faith
a
'"·n"~' \1)111Rc!nli-A-cizor 'is th e smart,.!~
school money when you -<
~oorryca/Rled "Christian college" sellsetoe~te in the god that this .
i~;!~;ji;.;r~,·,~;~,.;~ ~~ r;~';; ~':., ·:~oi::
ev. Mr. D th k
I s students
\ii' rf'I~ t >n "notch or SO' • ••
graduate. If the school didn't
, an S but no tha k
•
."·> " 01 A VIURA TOR ... not a m e
a!Sa
.
0 S.
· f'° · J ~e . . . No diet or. wci gl 1t loss involve~
have all it's private funding, it
.
. I . Las Vegas castno
ha nk s. l o mode rn science. Helnx-A-c izor r :
.
'lj "j' me by nc <u nll y exe rcisin g yo ur mu scle",
might be slightly more
Patty tn t he ear/y 1960sI working as a crgarette gtr tn a
,,..' ·' '
w II e you '""·
attentive to the students rather
, ~.• MOH E FA CT S ... yo urs f o r· the o k
,... ~ ·
J.:rg.k Se n,~ coup on for F REE illu s t rn t!led
than to their parents.
oo le t , ln s lnnt Exe r cise " - il 's FREE
OF cosr on OBLI GAT ION !
If you really want
H
.ATIONWl 'l E! NEW YORK CITY 711
Fifth Avenue, MU a. 4690 • CH ICAGO
something to whine about,
IL~INOIS , 17 Nort h State St reet '
. Suite 800, ST 2- 5680 • LOS ANGEL ES'
8
why not call your parents and
; ~~~l:~aRr~~A'oC g.s~i~h. L~o~;0~~~.1
; ~~f: ~y6 57 Bloor St reet West;
ask them to send money in
I
order to fund your favorite
J ~- . A
,,~~
''; ~·® '",,,..,., • •
axtt.ciz or ·-··-publication. Or, perhaps, to
, '. . "
I
use the money in order to bail
this writer out of jail after he
gets arrested for blatantly using
1• ~g~:~.~~.~,;~'. ~~~ 1~~"''
I
a copyrighted name to title his
·--· ft. ·-· . ·-· II Send me the "J~STANT EXER CISE" book let with- I
article. Next week: "Letters ;~~
~
outMcRost or obli ga tion - send In pl ain pac ket. I
.....~ , ..,,..
I 0 '
0 MRS.
0 MISS
from the joint -- greenbacks
I NAM E.
I
" ClTY
ADDRESS
I
and what to do without them."
. '\
.. ... ' '- • ••
~
I
------ZONE__ I
Now that's the real world for
,.c·~· '- ·••.
'
I I STATE _ _ _ _ PHONE
I
you.
·~~
T'
CE
W
•
"
i ;.:
-t
atSTLINE'
..
"~
e I: . , """··:""' FREE!· i
I
tb
• - '"
I I
·" "· '"'"'
,....... <b
.A
fi~
---
um-• • ••••-- J9
- --oMy
(ex)
~:u;~:;;~:nd
a mil ·
was
J.tant feminist
·~) She burnt bra s .
~
I' burnt my toga .
U) N""l
1 Im Independent .
~~
LJ
--:;
•\<~
-~-·· .
Al
.....,
--~!!OllU:tiiC.
Dipak
ps, I HAVE gre e k
friends
. ..
0
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C)J
'"-"-J
W
_I
,;:» ....-1
~
~
"'
�New News from the Old
Testament
By Pat "Zippetty Doo Da"
Garrett, Mike "From E to Z"
Augspurger, and Chuck "Busy
B" Schafer
The Bible as compiled by
monks of yore left many
chapters and books out of the
final edition. This recently
excavated chapter from the
book of Job (rhymes with
globe, robe, and ear lobe) gives
rise to an interesting new
interpretation.
Chapter 15b Job: I have heard
many things like these;
miserable comforters are you
all! God assails me and tears
me in his anger and gnashes
his teeth at me; my opponent
fastens on me his piercing
eyes. You are wrong, I am
right, na nanee boo boo stick
your heads in doodoo.
Bildad: But don't you believe
in retributive justice? You
must have done something
horrendous to deserve all these
boils. Are you sure you don't
ever spill your seed on the
ground or let your daughter see
your feet? Come on now.
Eliphaz: God assails you!
And yet you say you have been
pious? Hmmm. God says
he'll be good to faithful
believers, you are a faithful
believer, and you're covered
with pus. Waketh thee up, my
son! Thou needeth counseling.
Zophar: Alright, stop, castrate
it, and listen,
God is back with a brand new
dementia,
Somethin's gonna grab you
tightly,
Pain-in-all-your-boils daily and
nightly,
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't
know,
Check out my beat and let the
blood flow.
I am Zophar the rappin'
Naamathite
And I'll bu~t a move on your
.
God th mg plight
Bildad: That was a righteous
move you busted, Zophar.
Job·
G.
.
ive me not that
fai~less blaspemy, my posse!
You re not down with trustin
g
the Lord of Hosts!
Bildad: He's more like the
Lord of Hostess Snacks
judging by that white stuff
over you. It reminds me of
Little Deborahs.
·
Eliphaz: If it were only true
that Twinkies had an infinite
shelf life!
Zophar: Now Job my fresh
friend, you do not listen,
You be way wrong in dis
funky down position.
Naked you popped from yo'
mama's ole womb,
And now you all sored up
lookin' like a buffoon.
Womb. Buffoon. Boom.
Boom. Chica chica.
Scratch, chica, chica, scratch,
scratch, chica, BOOM. .. .
a1i
ed. note: The text moves
along in something of the
same vein for approximately
200 more lines. We thought
this was plenty.
by Brian Dixon
Anti-freeze Apple
Liquod Lead
Bloody Mary Red
Molasses
Cajun Blackened Banana
Dazzling Draino
Barney Sweat
Bruised Fruit
Super Premium Unleaded
Pock Mark Punch
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 01, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from October 01, 1993. The headline reads, "Special Space-Filler Issue". Accordingly, it features fewer pieces than most other issues. A selection from Stacey Greenberg's "I am Womban Hear Me Roar" is featured on the front page. The centerfold houses an article from Jeff Gadomski instead of his customary comic strip. Chris Brown writes a strong letter to Rev. Daughdrill, and Dipak Ghosh's poem hides in the bottom right hand corner. The back page has a piece from Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, and Chuck Schafer in which they reveal a previously unknown chapter of Job. Brian Dixon lists ten rejected Kool-Aid flavors.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stacey Greenberg, Jeff Gadomski, Chris Brown, Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Julie Meiman
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
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The Rat's Ass
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/148a383085a8473b464406f387f09f25.pdf
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Text
"T::,~.:kiing the most benign issues, for fear of Santa Claus."
Don't tw,·
body to ist Your ,
Qet Into
Position.
~
..,_v
~
<,.,,o""
Vol. Il Issue 12
~
I
December 8, 1993
<\>'l)
~/~Special Holid~l. , !~sue !!
* • • • • * * • * • • • * *
The blatant
presentation of raw ideas
through the form of
DIALOGUE has fallen into
disfavor in these subtle and
calculated times. Those of
us who eschew elegance of
form have gone underaround
'
writing our simple and
styleless pieces as best we
can, burdened as we are by
the weight of ignominy and
general thickness.
Occasionally a fragment such
as this will be championed by
a poor and struggling rag
which can find no other
"copy• to fill its worthless
calumns. It is only through
these pitiful opportunities
that our opinions see any
chance of entombing
themselves in your brain.
Read this, then, with the
kind of special attention you
would give to a sick and
dying animal. You owe it in
the name of pity.
A Conversation
Between John a.
Smoker and John
Nonsmoker
jqs: Why do you persecute
me so?
jqn: Because your very
existence persecutes me.
jqs: Good point.
a.
jqn: Do you think it is cool
to smoke? Or are you
merely addicted. Pick one; '
will be condescending no
matter which answer you
choose.
jqs: Both. Does that mean I
get a double dose of you on
your high horse?
jqn: I would have thought
you'd be more creative.
jqs: If I told you why I
really smoke, you'd laugh,
maybe think I was just full
of sh_t.
jqn: Go ahead, shoot. I'm
listening. I don't have
anything else to do, and I get
fidgety during long silences- don't know what to do with
0u••••
unfulfilled oral fixation is a
bugger for creating nervous
tics.
l'HE § Do not. let Grey Hai
_
[jqs lights up)
§
appear.
jqs: I sincerely believe that MEXICAN § or1f1n•I colou r. or White Hair to
= R~·! 0 r•• Grey where the il•ndi
smoking is the 1~st
HAIR § notdH!royed. com1nt out. Hctt or
Cl
:; tb• H•1r from Pre~entaOaodrulf,
connection we moderns h
§
••d Srreoc<h••• th• "'''·
.
ave RENEWER =is NOT A DYE
With the primitive archetype
I s
Sold Ev~rywhe r
of humanity. Human as firepossessor, human as torchjqn: ·-.vaS: you say?
cai·rier, human as controller
jqs: Yes, •was.· She died
of that most powerful of the
of lung cancer last year.
four elements of nature
jqn: Doesn't that make you
jqn: Fire?
' ...
want to stop smoking?
jqs: Indeed. The power to
jqs: Why?
burn is the power to
jqn: Well, obviously because
destroy. Imagine it ...
a death in your family due to
unimaginable power! In
smoking should make you
1
addition, the cigar or
cigarette is a phallic symbol,
which reminds me of my
mother. She was a smoker,
too.
r'l
u
reconsider your own
smoking habit!
jqs: Smoking doesn't cause
cancer! That's a lie spread
by aliens!
chuck: Does anybody want
part of a tree trunk?
jqn: What!!??!
chuck: Now that I'm part of
this conversation it's a
_ trlalogue. I was just
asking. Pardon me. I guess
I'll be going.
jqs: Before you go, could
you settle one thing?
chuck: Sure.
jqn: After you sum up the
pros and cons, is smoking ...
cool?
chuck: Why, I believe that it
- - · [cough]
b'\ ~\.. ....\....:
~,L..,f-
�Random Ruminations on an Old Magazine: Holling Sto~ August .5
;Jy Ross Gohlke
One thing I can't stand is
)]d magazines. It doesn't
matter if I'm just biding time in
rhe john trying to beat my dad's
1 ecord for pages read on the pot
r trying to put myself to sleep
(my textbooks usually suffice
fo r that), old magazinesanything that's not the most
recent issue- just plain suck. So
why am I reviewing the August
5 issue of .l?o/lhlg Stom~an issue
with pages still devoted to the
"Lollapalosers Tour" '93?
Because I didn't even read that
article (not all of it) and
because I can . Also, it was a
Christmas present from a friend
back home who works in a
music store and got it for free.
So it has sentimental value.
My friend saved it for me
because of the Soul Asylum
cover story. "soul asylum,
platinum punks" is a pretty
good title (better than Time's
moniker: Tunesmiths) and the
a rticle is pretty good, too.
Have you ever noticed, though,
how
rock
magazine
interviewers always have to
concentrate on one member of
the group, even if the band
members say things like,
"We're a team. Everyone is
equally important"?
Dave
Pirner is in the middle of every
photograph, even the ones that
aren't just of him . I just don't
understand where this guy gets
off saying, "It is the interplay
of Pirner and Murphy that
defines the balance, that keeps
soul asylum pointed down the
highway." What about poor
old Karl Mueller, who started
the band, and Grant Young?
Don't they count? Well, I want
to forget about Dave and Dan
for a moment. I think that Karl
just (well. back befor:e August 5)
dumped his girlfnend of 1,3
years for Winona Ryder. Shes
not even that hot! (too
scrawny).
The article about Eden
(pronounced Eddin) Jacobowitz,
who got in HU GE trouble at U
Penn for ca\hng some people
"waterbuffaloes" and told
them to go to the zoo in an
attempt to make them be quiet
while he was studying, was
infromative and moving. They
Camera ham
~'
l read most of the album
.
but I don't feel I can be
review~.
h to criticize
objectwe enoug .
rm still
their music cnt1c1sm..
.
f
reeling from the m1ust1ce o
Automatic /or the People
getting classic status (five
stars[~ 0 *"]) when The fos/Jua
Tree, obviously the best album
in the past 20 years, only got
four stars (** 0 ) . I just don't
trust their music critics to be
objective. 1 should written
those reviews (even if I wasin
high sc h oo 1 w l1en U2 's
masterpiece came out).
There was an article about
k.d. lange, a "lesbian, feminist,
vegetarian canadian" country
music singer who has won "a
grammy and the hearts of
America"; but since I have
little practical knowledge of
this marginalized social
group- and because she didn't
capture my heart- I didn't
read it. Call me a biased
middle class white male
protestant from the heartland
(you'd be right), but ~ just d:dn't
want to read it.
And I didn't even consider
reading William Greider's
article about Bm Clinton. I've
never understood why a music
mag would stoop to the level of
talking about politics.
So that's my review. Hope
you liked it. I just couldn't
think of anything better to say
(what does that tell you?).
tumed out to be black girls With
extremely delicate racial
identities who pressed Speech
Code charges and hied to bring
Eden to his racist knees in
apology. The phrase "black
water buffalo" is defined as a
raciaJ epithet according to the - - - - - - J.l.~h- · universty's Racial Harassment
Iha ..~·· ) - ~ u a
Policy, and "H doesn't matter I
what Eden meant; what
matters is how the words were
interpreted. If the women's
feelings were hurt, then it's
racial harassment ."
Eden
thought this was all just too
Mueller and Grant Young are
cool. Sure, Dave has the really silly to be true, but he
eventually started to feel
cool hair, but Grant's the one
victimized and refused to
with the boyish good looks.
And even if Karl is butt-ugly, cooperate and went public. He
For many years our Money Drawing Buddha h~s
at least he doesn't have to get finally won the case, but not
drawn hundreds of dollars to those who believe m
someone else to play his ba_ss without considerable anguish.
his powers! If you rub his belly faithfully , he will
work his special magic to bring you all the money
when they record. (down wit~ He still stutters when he talks
you could ever need . He can be used in any Money
the SmAshinG PUmpKms .. ) about it.
Drawing ritual over and over agam.
M1142 ... . ................ . ..... · · · .$8.95
Besides, Dave's the one that
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woman !nail se~m d
like it musta hap~~ne
. . . body else says
tosome
. '
. '
. 1 ·:"I'm into pl~y.1~
ChadrleY.: ' and not g1v1n
an ov1n
. adamnforthe
rest of my life.''
What Christmas means to me,
or,
Gertrude Stein please report to
the customer service desk we
ha\re found your prose poem on
c URS - ALL fuvj-Ust o. l? cni.t an lff Wt"°r .
THE
the holiday season
gelatin dessert
J;, .
BRAND
N[I WI 307
Money
CAh\l\oS-\- rt\JAt ~ 1-t-~
S~vt +o~ stu.++1~ fG.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy .
Warm fuzzy. Big meal. Warn:.
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Big meal.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Cool present. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Killer Mastercard bill,
spanning the next eight
months in the paying. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. A rose is still an onion.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Trim the tree. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
The Grinch. Yeah, that's it.
The Grinch. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
�Maybe So...
by Mike Augspurger
A rag like this
sometimes gets soaked
with pessimism. Cynicism
continually
smeared all over the
headlines. Wrong, wrong,
wrong. Everything has
problems which must .be
cleaned up. This article
however, will help to Wip~
the slate; no necks will
be wrung here, no
policies taken to the
cleaners. Rhodes may
not be as dirty as we
sometimes portray it
After all, it's mostly just ~
bunch of clean-cut
ivory-skinned kids tryi~
to get by in a washed-up
system. So, Cheers to
the signs that Tide may
be turntng:
lJ The International
Studies master's program
appears to be dead.
Never mind that it
supporters
ignore~
almost
unanimous
faculty opposition to the
program, never mind that
it seemed to be perverttn
the idea of a liberal art~
school, and never mind
that someone tried to
push it through on the
basis of a completel
unrealistic budget. 1 ~
the end, the committee
investigating its possible
~cepU_o!1 recognized that
u would cost four times
the proposed/ supposed
three million dollars, and
a faulty idea died.
2)
The MacLab
directors decided (for the
second or third semester
in a row) to stay open
until two during exam
week and the week and a
half preceding. No one
had even to complain.
3)
Both the Pikes
and the Kappa Sigmas
have gone out of their
"Don't Settle for less."
Will be common practice,
and Rhodes Will become
wa to visibly advertise, the grand ol' community
toy both males and which all of us want it to
females. on-campus open be.
arties this semester. 1
There you have it. A
~ member being told my completely optimistic
r!st year that most Gr~ article. Have a nice day.
arties were open to
p ampus· 1 soon resigned
c
1f to the fact that
~=~as true only in the
sense
that.
s~~·
professors have comp e e
Th b
academic freedom in the
e rew that's all bark, no bite!! classroom. Perhaps one
day this type of gesture
THE RAT'S ASS OFFICIAL STRESS TEST
(All questions adapted from the Stress Test in Briggs Student Center)
(answer al! questions "Grrectlv and honestly.)
1. Every night yoa find yourselfstudying after midnight- add 5pts.
2. If you drink alcohol or use tobacco to alleviate stress- add 5pts.
3. If you procrastinate on ciass assignments- add 5pts.
4. If you use time management skills- deduct 1Opts.
5. If you have a family that bitches at you- add 5pts.
6. If you decide to go watch a movie instead of finishing
that important paper- add 5pts.
7. If you are at least lOlbs. under or over your ideal weight- add 5p
8. If you have sex without any protection- add !Opts.
9. If you dropped out of two of your classes
this semester- add 25pts. and give yourself a pat-on-the-back
10. If you attend Wellness seminars- deduct 25pts
11. If you get up in the morning before 10 a.m.- deduct 20pts
12. If you don't get along with your roommate.-add !Opts
* Brou~ht to you by The R.A. Foundation for Wellness
Stress Test Score Chart
75-65: Good job. Your stress level is not affecting you.
65-50: 0.K.; You need to drop a class and have a beer.
50-35: Trouble. You need to re-evaluate your priorities.
35-0 : Emergency. Find the nearest gun and shoot yourself.
Death is better than the life you have.
Let falling knives fall. (Never
attempt to catch them!)
Nostalgia in advertising: Conipan~es ~ring back
the past to sell everything from sh1pp10g to soup
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 8, 1993, Volume 2, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1993
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 8, 1993. This Issue of The Rat's Ass was the "Special Holiday Issue!!" On the front page Charles Schafar tells a story in the name of pity. Ross Gohlke critics old magazines and how they have no relevance. All the while Clay Combs tells a beautiful Christmas poem. Mike Augspurger tells us why Rhodes isn't as dirty as we portray it on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Schafar, Charles
Gohlke, Ross
Combs, Clay
Augspurger, Mike
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0ece185c3e0b6d6a0257b7a0ae5aaa48.pdf
d75596bbe18a2b2ad1328b0bd3960c96
PDF Text
Text
ain't never had it.
Issue 5
I
Top Ten Cool Features of the
New Israeli-PLO Honda Peace
Accord
by Brian Dixon
10. Anti-lock brakes
9. "Y asser" personalized plate
8. A-ooh-ga horn
7. Tinted windows throw off
angry right wing PLO
members
6. Steel belted radios
5. Plush wall to wall
carpeting
4. "How to Talk Like a
Trucker" manuel included with
CB
3. James Bond oil slick feature
- standard
2. Runs on sand
1. Wimp's a camel's ass
I
I
I
I
•
I
I
I
t
l
)
~
My (ex)girlfriend was
a militant feminist.
She burnt bras.
I burnt my toga.
[:>
I'm Independent.
~
·~
Dipak
ps. I HAVE greek
friends...
~·
'fJ
~
~
~
-
6 "'
,9 ~
-:-7\~·
. VJ~
7'J
•
September 24,
�most introspective of all
seasons, fall, the time defined ' Barney Must Be Destroyed
Late last night I was
by ferment, the time whose f
l trying to write an English
raison d'etre is to move things
Clay's Column
by Clay
Lazarus Speaks, or,
Why You Should Love Fall As
Much As I Do
•paper, which naturally led
J to my thinking about Barney
•the Dinosaur, and all the
trouble he has winning the
I'm a nut for fall.
•·hearts of American adults.
ballistic every time it
Why don't more people like
, Barney? Hmmm. Is it
around. If I have the chance, . &;,,·'" 11
with t11e help of the liberal free~
' ~ ~ \/ · .,:
because its mindless,
press, to share my joy with t11e :·
. -' . . '.
r
, puerile crap? No, it can't
reading public,
do it wi~ as ~ ·
-- _
'
f be that. After all, look at
much vigor as I II do anytlung ,_
• how well Beavis and
else.
·
• · Butthead are doing. And no
Of course, communication
one complained when
is a tricky t11ing. I tried t11is !M'.31"--along in the grand process millions of five-year olds
/-love-fall bit last year when I
toward death-awaiting-rebirth,
had to see GI Joe every day
wrote for the . . . uh . . . ilie
and I'm so ready for it I could, and to have every little
other newspaper, and by the
so to speak, die.
war toy that came along.
time it got to press, it had
Just think:
fall is 'That's it! Barney just isn't
undergone such ... uh ... such
n e c es sari l y the most ' violent enough. Poor
extensive editing even I didn't
philosophical of seasons Barney, he's just a big
know what I was trying to say.
because its stock-in-trade. is f eggplant-looking wimp.
Strike one.
mortality, the rightful starting When we bitch about how
Now t11e batter steps back,
point of all philosophy, the much we hate Barney,
thinks of all those kids in t11e
only universally-observed I that's really our little inner
orphmrnges, and steps forward
aspect of t11e human condition. I children whining,"Where's
boldly for anot11er swing, a
Etl1nocentric t11ought systems I the blood? Give us blood.
second attempt to hit you over
crumble under the ~.eight of Waaaaah!"
the head with his trusty
tl1eir own presuppos1t1ons and •
Yes, Barney should be
Louisville Slugger of joie-decultural trappings, but meaner, like his ugly
I
J,
l
1:n
A
with low, low production
values. PBS should get
wise and net an adult
audience by locking the
purple behemoth with other
big rubbery monsters in
mortal combat. Where
would his opponents come
from? Sesame Street, of
course! Big Bird, Mr.
Snuffaluffagus, and Oscar
the Grouch are naturally
pissed that Barney's
invading their turf, and
.
&FOUND :_,; ...
Tl-lAL PACK A·~ER · .
PACK,CAMEL'.S
MILDNESS AND
.FLAVOR GIVE ME
MORE PLEASURE
THAN ANY OTHER
CIGARETTE!
i
J
'f
f
f
vivre.
mortality transcends them all.
!
stepcousin, Godzilla. They
cousins after all, both
are mutant spinoffs of a
tyrannosaurus rex, both
f have annoying little
~children for sidekicks, and
lboth come from studios
r(~ It is at once our most horrific .are
TI1is week the weather-god l...IJ}
blessed us wit11 a cold front. I
am anew man.
Y£' .
Isn't it funny how, with 7..J~
our climate controls and our !>or'f'
safe-as-houses shelter from the o ~
elements, yet the weather t l..; "\
affects us deeply? I can feel
like death-warmed-over all
summer, back breaking under
t11e oppressive heat, but when
the first cool breeze hits, I'm
Lazarus. I'm ready for bear.
Here we are on the cusp of t11e
and generous attribute. In t11e
end, life forgives all tluough
deat11, bringing sure respite
from t11e ephem~ral .car~s
besetting us as we mhab1t tlus
mortal coil.
r
Besides, fall brings college ·
football, Thanksgiving and
snuggling.
It brings
Oktoberfest, pumpkins, le
beaujolais nouveau, Arts in tl1e
Park, pretty leaves, Saturday
afternoons at the river,
cookouts, oblique rays of sun
and t11e World Series. I could
THESE H_
ORRID AGE SPOTS* go on.
Every season has its
strong points, but in t11e end,
we owe it all to fall. Fall
takes tl1e resting of winter, the
exuberant awakening of spring
and t11e loathsome toiling of
summer and distills them all
into a sweet liquor of rest, ·
reflection and appreciation that
leaves, as it goes down, a
wann tickle, t11e wannth of t11e
embers of the human
~~-'--~--~~~~~---'~~~~
.1:f 1.·· .,,.. .. .·· .
?1\~iiii!i~1l1~. .: ~ ·
'!,,.;
~,r;;
I
··
WANTED
STEADY ·
.
..
.
A helmet is a nasty thing
When your teeth are green from
eating flowers
And the telephone, it talks for hours
With someone who doesn't appreciate
chocolate pudding.
--Ross Gohlke
___
,
___
91'
---
would probably love to kic;<
his purple ass. They could
I
stomp around Mr. Roger's
-.::. ~
Ask Faith and Reason:
*** Dear Faith and Reason, ~
Neighborhood, raising hell
I am trying to argue with
the advice column that
and smashing King Friday·~
gives
you
smarts
and this friend of mine, Percy, about
hearts
castle to smithereens.
the existence of God. Percy is an
atheist and I want oh so much to
compiled by charles schafer
When they get really
convince him that there is a
*** Dear Faith and Reason,
popular, they can gain
I was in Church last
higher power so that he will
international appeal by
Sunday, listening to a very
maybe ultimately convert to
doing a joint production:
Christianity and I'll feel better
mediocre sermon, when all of a
Barney vs, the Smog
sudden I felt this amazing
about myself as a result. What is
tingling in my leg and I just knew
the most compelling argument for .
Monster or maybe Barney
God's existence? I know one
vs, Rodan . Can you see it? , ' that it was the spirit of the Lord,
working in me! I jumped up and
already about how nature is so
BARNEY: Will you be my
ran down the aisle right then and
incredible like how could there
friend?
made a profession of faith on the
not be a God, I mean just look at
GHIDRAH: Grrronk!
spot. What I want to know is
the flowers and the beautiful
this: do you think that it was
waterfalls and how can you help
BARNEY: I love you .. .
really God moving in me? If so,
thinking jeez, there must be a God
you love me ... we're .. .
why did he do it during such a
and he must be in those flowers
GHIDRAH: reeeeAARRRK!
1 boring sermon? Do you think that
and waterfalls.
(hot blast of radioactive
means it was the devil?
Sincerely,
monster funk melts
Sincerely,
Neva Tay
Lorna Toon
Barney's face).
Faith: Neva, your argument
Faith: Lorna, I think you really
about why God must exist is
PBS, get with it:
. , . did have a wonderful experience of
beautiful. There are other good
unconditional love and
the Lord's spirit moving in you.
ones, too. C.S. Lewis did a super
·... sharing won't cut the
Trust that. Don't worry about the
duper job of reasoning through
mustard. Stick with
devil. He can't hurt you unless
the whole thing. I think the best
you read censored books. The
something more traditional.
argument is that we should have
Lord was just being tricky,
faith in God because then we can
Have Barney stake out his
coming upon you during a boring
be forgiven for our sins.
·i territory, stomp on a few
1
sermon. Remember, He likes to
Reason: Neva, listen. You're
" buildings and tanks, and
·
work in mysterious ways.
trying much too hard. How the
beat the living crap out of
Reason: Lorna, I have to throw
hell do you get "God" out of
any guy in a rubber suit
a little cold water on your parade
"waterfall"? If you want to see
here. The reason your legs got
who comes along. That's
God in nature, get out on the rural
tingly was because you had them
interstate between here and
what we want. Shed some
crossed for too long -- which can
Nashville. Jesus is on at least
d?y-glo purple blood and
happen when you're in church for
three billboards.
we'll watch! Of course, so
hours. You should either open
your legs more or cut out half way
will the kids, so you can
through the preaching. And about
still mechandize. Aiiiieee!!!
trying to make a profession of
It is Barney! We must
faith -- give it up. There's no ·
flee!!!
money in it. Make a profession
-by J. Oliphant
of medicine or advertising. That's
where it's at, baby.
.,
I
I
Flawed
Story
by Mike Augspurger
I
talked
t o
President Daughd r i l l
last week at AT &T.
He was nice enough.
He
answered
my
questions
congenia :t ly.
He said
that the cost of a
college
education
really wasn't going
up, that in fact i t
had stayed about the
same as the price of
a
car
for
years.
People
just
complained about i t
more,
because
its
benefits were harder
to see.
lf"itll_...
Int o.
' College
Costs
Up
More
Than
Doubl e
Rate Of Inflati o n . '
It said, "While the
rate of inc rease for
college
costs
has
slowed somewhat during the past three
years,
1993
nonetheless
marks
the
thirteenth
consecutive ye a r
th a t
those
costs
ha v e
outpaced
The
~'1~en
~
*** Dear Faith and Reason,
When Satan tempts me
to do evil, I am sorely troubled.
What can I do to resist? He is so
powerful, and I am so weak, so ...
human. I know Jesus responded
to the evil one by saying, "Get
thee behind me, Satan." Is it that
easy?
Sincerely,
Anita Will
@~
Ata•
Faith: Yes.
Reason:
You've got to
remember that Jesus was human,
too. And when he told Satan to
get behind him, He had been in
the wilderness for 40 days and his
butt probably smelled terrible. If
you have a lot of B.O., His
technique might work for you .
Otherwise, give it up.
5lu~ _B_o~---:--------,
o.,atH-r. '(otJ J(..ao_,, \
l>w·' T (£e\l..&."f HNI' A~'t
11>E~
c..>M"f"
"Ofl~
.lei
£I.IT'ii ~. I bot.IT £«H
(tJow 'foul{ ,..
1
I
Cereal
\c(;f_ ~ .. - -
I
I
I rea d an a r t i c l e
yesterd ay
in
th e
.,,.E.. yr:r:
(
z A" FA-r BUG!
Jt "b 'lov .t(E••• ~
141ai_,
\
i.\Mlf !
r"\
~·r
You
t.)Alotf 'f"C) ~S"ll\llC
~£
,,,.-
.,. ~,
..
I
II
by
~,
.
�A Didactic Letter
i n Re s ponse to Amy
Chr is Fisher's #I
CAN'T stand cheap
people" election
flyer.
(Yeah, it IS a long
title. Shut up and
read : ) ... )
Dear, dear Chris,
Let me start by
reminding you that
the Honor Council
is no joke. I f
you're going to
make references to
it through #deep"
thoughts, babe,
you've got a
problem. Note the
uqqotes" around
#deep?"
a handle on your
bearings. If you're
going to take off
in this direction,
there is no telling
what other pithy
maxim you're going
to snatch from
another murky abyss
of even #deeper"
thoughts.
en
~
9 ,~
~
::--::
~
~
8
o
J..-4
lS
l
I
·
.
@·. ·.'. ·, ., .
•
~
~ c=
~
~
1
•
Try
:
. ·l
with
·VACUTEX ' ..,.
·· ··
,....
:
three
fl n aer1 .
It · re a ches
:~~:k~.~~dlr ~~~w::11~·ht!.'i; ,~\.~~
·
,
I
.: ;;:-"f,:r.~i~~~,:•
..:~~~ll~=.~h:.. ~~~
·' ,
0
...
,
,
•
1
.
"-.)'
.
. ,extrftcts Bla ckheads automatica lly
The a maz ing ly effective Vacu:tex'
'
0
:::> ::::l
p-
.
Bl~_ckhea~ Remov~r ..
s1oo .
':;::l
.
r.
··, •· · · > "-~
-or no _
cost.
~
(
rJ)
. ~t~ ~!c~1 i~: . ~!'i~-;t~~t 1 ~
M
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en.§,
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l~~e~· ~r"~i:~\:'~~~,j~B·.
··
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0
.·
·· ·
VACUTEX and your , dollar, wlll
· be refundorl. : .
chris brown •
holy romin' em~ror
chuck schafer • bosom of abraham
clay combs• "the indulgence vendor"
dipak ghosh • altar boy
Jeffgadomslzl • deep friar
john oliphant • monk d
julie meiman • monk e
mike augspurger.judas priest
pat garrett •altered priest
~o~~ go~l'M· leud 3 cleric
~-·
Are you
in the
knoltv?
Scriptural . Cake
1 ·Cllp or Judgn s:as
3i cup1 of Exodu1 ag:a
a
cupa of Nahum 3: la
1 Cllp o! Geneel 1 a• :17
1 tip of Exodu1 16:31
3 Cllpl Of Jerea:lab 6:30
a cups Of I Samuel 30: la
lcupofNua:ber117:8
6 cup• o! haiab 10: 14
l pincll Of Levi t1 CUI 3: 13
3 tip of Air.01 a:u
Seuon to talte •1th I King1 lO:a. Follow
$olOlllOn 1 1 prelCriptiOn for a good boy .in
Proberb1 33:14 and l:ake .
·BALLCO- - - - - -CO., Dept .-9- ·
- - - PRODUCTS - - - I
g :~.~~ ~~g_g~~ ! 1 ·, ·::;~:S~~~~':i.
' \lf&oh 1cr1ptuu Teru contain• one or 111or1
:
11
,. _________________________ _,
You've implied,
unwittingly I hope,
that requesting
money you have
loaned is cheap!?
Let me see if I'm
missing something:
Good soul loans
needy friend
moolah,good soul
gets needy . and
needs moolah back,
good soul asks for
moolah, good soul
asks, hence he is
cheap? Honey, by
your definition of
#cheap" (in cahoots
with Dr.Handey),not
being #cheap" is
bloody e x pensive.
That's quite a deep
#cheap" thought,eh?
brlzm dlxon • halrytlck
('t'bil recipe 11 ~~er 300 yeare old. Follow tb•
41reot1on1 carefully for a dellolou1 cake).
Ugly BLACKHEADS
OUT IN .SECONDS
;::, .F; ~L~
~ ~
t--< ~
'
......~~ ·
~ ----:,-~.•.
~~
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published . . There is
nei.ther regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor s<>uls listed here.
Look, ( I hope) I ' m
sure you saw some
humor in your
researched quote,
but how much
#deeper" will you
get, especially if
elected to THE
council. Please get
19W. 441hst. , N.Y. 36,N , v .
P•u• 4 3 c poi iit re :
1 ngred1 en ta u1ed 1 n mat 1-ng a cake.
-
If your campaign
has been an
experiment in
negative
advertising,babe, I
commend you for
your courage 'cause
you've certainly
trod the limits of
anti-matter (hence
my #reaction").
Believe it or not,
I wish you luck for
the elections. I've
run for the Honor
Council too , but
never won . Thinking
of which, if you
win, I ' ve got to
get me a copy of
#deeper thoughts"
by that Handey guy.
Sincerely,
Diphthong .
ps.If my criticism
has been a
traumatic
experience, please
feel free to call
x3385 and leave a
nasty rebuttal on
the machine. It
should be a
cathartic of sorts.
Hell, I might
answer the phone
myself and generate
a few (crocodile)
tears .
pps. Welcome to
RHODES :) ~
- 0 r I''- ~
.,,
•.
TERO IN A PUNCH
by:chris brown
&L. os~
{
tfi:l
m
Dark red, like the lips of your favorite
female pom-star,was the color of
the punch in this bowl. Perfectly round
ice-cubes floated all in the red juice;
then I saw this big black terd among
all the perfectly round ice-cubes.
I asked the guy next to me
"Are you drinking this shit ?"
He only smiled as he dipped his cup
into bowl and drank his second cup.
He obviously liked it.
, "Don't question."
~
"Don't ask."
'
"Just drink it."
was his reply.
.
A
�
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The Rat's Ass, September 24, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 05
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 24, 1993. Brian Dixon leads off the issue with a top ten list. Pat Garrett compares religion and geology, Clay Combs describes his love for fall, and John Oliphant reviews Barney. Ross Gohlke writes the zine's first poem alongside Mike Augspurger's and Charles Schafer's centerfold pieces. The back page features a response to Amy Chris Fisher's election flyer by Dipak Ghosh and a short piece by Chris Brown.
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Pat Garrett, Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Ross Gohlke, Dipak Ghosh, John Oliphant, Charles Schafer, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Julie Meiman
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/3aa0d42bb5647b3d9dbed0d9c4fc27fa.pdf
3baf48faedee99f106fac974b240e8ab
PDF Text
Text
.- ~ Friday 3 September 1993
Volume 2 Number 2
~~
I
Am
Not
your .- friends for
will
your college career, and
they're all in one Greek
organization,
and you
can't wait to learn the
secret handshake, I can't
ask you to do anything
but pledge .
But if y ou
can, t mak e up your mind
between t he Kappa Sigs
and ATO, or if you want
to pledge be c au s e
ir
wo uld ma k e Dael pr o ud 0 1
y o ur
fri e nd s b r.tc l<. h o 1n 0·
jealous, o r if you ju s t
haven't met anyone in
-oe weeks and need t o
Greek
Bashing!
We ll, maybe a li tt le
by Mike Augspurger
My Dad went to a
small liberal arts school
called Wabash, a shining
spot of learning in rural
Indiana . "The Har vard of
the We st, • the hundred
and fifty year - old sch ool
Dad loved
calls itself.
Still goes back
Wabash .
every year .
And when h e
returns,
the place he
goes back to is the FIJI
hou se.
When I arrived on
-Rhodes campus my first
year, I knew I was go i ng
to be in a frate rnity.
That was what college was
all about, as far as I
knew.
Living together
with
the
same
guys,
hanging out and shooting
h oops and th rowing the
frisbee, or having a beer
on a Saturday afternoon.
A
guy
co uld
mak e
. friendships that wo uld
last forever.
Three weeks into
school, I dropped out of
The quest i on of
rush.
which fraternity I wanted
to
join
had
become
outdated; I didn't want a
part o f any of them .
Somewhere in those three
weeks I recognized that
for me the whole system
didn't
make
sense.·
Talk i ng with
friends,
from people who hadn't
to
new
even
rushed
familiar
pledges,
a
sentiment
was,
"My
decision was the best for
me, I think, but I wish
the choice hadn't been
there.•
By Bid Day, I
was fairly certain that
Imagine ...
TT.r
_.h.,,ck
n£Ut,u
B
fee l a pact of something,
I u c ge you to reconsidec.
The Gceek system
is not ev i l .
It .i s ,
unnecessary,
howevec,
l~
e xpensive , stcessful, and
y iso T~g~- -.·an..,,,!_~;--=--,,,_...__,......,.,..,,..,~~~:~~\t. Rhodes
_1 . 1. .......
.
~
can d o
LETTER TO UNEDITOR
8
year
student:
1)
Go
Greek, and in many ways
lock yourself
into a
sing l e socia l scene, or
2) Stay independent, and
lock yourself out of a
soc ial scene.
Unfortunately,
I
can hardly suggest that
the
Greek
system
at
Rhodes be abo li shed.
It
n ot
just simply will
am
happen .
What
I
suggesting , though,
is
this:
if you are a
first-year student and
you don't want to make a
choice, stay independent.
Let the system die from
lack of i nterest, or at
least
shrink
considerably, so future
classes won ' t have to
worry about i t. over the
last three years, . I have.
seen the "locked out•
In your recent artic
Mr. Combs, entitled "c
Somebody Fart" you co
to the conclusion that ti
city council in Col \
County, GA is guilty ,
breaking civil righ ·
laws, "disfranchisin c
homosexuals,and stifl i;
dissenting opinions. As
read your article a t
finished my Rat burg
one day at lunch, my mir
wandered back to my
hour Logic class and t i
format of cogent
arguement. Conclusio r
and assertions were fou n·
in a plethora,
bu
premises and facts we 1
co r'\ h.f\U e.. d
.J
l'/C.
f"Y>..f ""
f".
SO'- I
'Z..
�not to be found in your
article. Questions like
this were asked:
--"Is anyone concerned
about the legal rights of
the few?"
--"Is it now illegal to
dissent in America ?"
. --"Is
thinking
for
' yourself tantamount to
forfeiture of
civil
ti . privileges ?"
Vintage Rhodes:
Reflections of an Academic
Degenerate
blaming them on the highpowered air-conditioner and
shocking
myself at the
realization that for the first
By: Graham YAHWEH Robertson
time since I left my friends and
Interstate 40 West still
1
The questions you should
have answered- but
didn·' :t- are these:
d11 llwnh. 01 100'6i _.,,n c•tl•ri
c1l1< c-blri11l1ri1 11
--What civil rights laws
H .95 . Trunh
were broken ?
--How
Burning Down the House
was
anyone
by Julie Meiman
stopped from dissenting ?
--How was any form of
I would hate to see this \
free thinking stifled ?
fine institution burn. to the ,
sec ///fl. c/l 'en L/?5+~/i JN
ground; I have no desire to call a ! .
7 ', t < ''
_
__
/7"'l f'T. 'a
MALOLO (r) LICHT BRIGADE 1t&IJ:r11nl1I 1trlp1 jacket wilh 8rltl1h 1cctntu
coUu 1nd WWtr ·1i11 p1d.1I. SIMll l11H 1Mit11111. n.-11 wllh 11ilortd rro1 1
h1
1old/red ,
t rtr / 11,.n . J1ek1I
$4 .95 .
t
charred wasteland my alma mater.
Likewise, it would be a pity if the
Vatican were engulfed in flames.
(They've got plenty of candles-it could conceivably happen.)
The parallels between Rhodes
College and the Vatican are
striking: namely, they are both
run by stodgy white men who
enjoy dictating policy from on
high. · (As a side note: I have
nothing against stodgy white
men, really ... jusl the two to
whom I am referring in this
article--His Holiness the Pope
and His Holiness Dig Daddy
Jim.)
A new residence hall
policy, enacted at the beginning
o
o f "this schci" l year , states :
"Candles, incense, or any other
open flame device are not
permitted in residence hall
rooms" (R.C. Student Handbook,
p.26).
As a member of the
Catholic Church, and , therefore,
a spokesperson for the Pope and
the Church in its entirety, I must
state that we are highly offended
by this policy and its higher
implications. Although initially
enacted as some flimsy means of
preventing fires, it is clearly a
direct attack on the Catholic
C hurch by the governing
Protestant institution of this
school.
Rhodes is supposedly
"committed to the position that
the students should formulate
their own person al philosophy
in dialogue with a Christian
perspective on these issues in an
ll mosphere whi ch encoura ges
·
P
5
turns into Sam Cooper Blvd.,
protecting all those nifty little
creatures from far off places
kept in cages: Rhodes .. . .. . and
the ZOO of course . My
cynicism is on guard, in rare
form and two gears higher than
the overdrive in my new Honda
__ just one of the products of
my year-long hiatus from the
ivory towered walls I loved so
well. I turn the comer and find
myself alone on the divided
highway at 2 :00 AM, Atlanta
time. 1 know 1 won't be able
to fight the emotions much
longer. As 1 zoom under
Graham St. Exit the nostalgia
engulfs me. I hold back tears,
foes in Memphis I, the
consummate bastard, am giddy.
My first hours back on
campus are spent in close
company with a dear friend.
.
Sitting together in White Hall
we're alone with our thoughts,
cigarettes, religion and each
other.
I never knew how
lonely I was until I had a little
company.
As I stumble around
campus for the next few days
tracking down my ancient
syllabi for my alleged transfer I
am bombarded by hugs, kisses
and handshakes from friends I'd
left behind. My unwarranted
tenacity and fear from being
away for so long falls by the
wayside as I am suddenly back
~f~r~e~ed70~1~n~~o~f~:t~h=o~u:g:h:t-a~n~d::-"'__,~~~~~;o:e~b=>;_,,,,.,._:1_;;..~=-~•m;;:===-=--...,,~-o;=-·.-~~';::;::::::~~~:::=i.....-...__
··
. .
expression for all " (Rhodes
Catalog). Well. I'm feeling
disencouraged. I think the Pope
has some rule that says (I'm
paraphrasing) "Prayers will be
answered promptly and , most
efficiently if candles are lit and
the person offering the prayer is
gagging on incense ." . The man
has spoken--we Catholics have a
lot of rules, , and we fo.llow them
"" YES, THA-r '5 HE'~ HeR£
-rl'fE 1>&$K. I l> L1KE
o A?Pa..y f'~ -n..: 5•1>Etr:: IC:( fO~r-TIC»J You
°"'
A~l~liD.
...........
I
whether they make sense or not.
As far as I know, the
Protestants do not have any sort
of rules concernin1( operi flames
(this doesn't include hell, of
course); thu-s, the average
Presbyterian, Lutheran, etc . isn't
affected by this new policy.
I think the Pope would
agree that this policy is
discriminatory and harmful to the
future of the Church. I think it's
also noteworthy that the Vatican
has been lighting candles and
incense since the beginning of
time (or thereabouts), and it
hasn't had any major fires that I
know of. The Pope--again, with
me as his spokesperson-recognizes this attack and
challenges Mr. Daughdrill--or
should I call him Martin Luther?-to a fight in the amphitheatre at
3:00
tomorrow . . . Catholics
versus Protestants, just like the
old days. In the spirit Christian
love, the Pope sends his words of
eternal wisdom : " Hey. You
started it."
in the •groove.•
All the friends I Jove and
missed are around me once
again. I am hearing all the
same complaints I once carried
on my back: difficult classes,
mega-stress, student poverty, a
dubious
administration
operating with more secrecy
than the Gestapo -- allowing
rumors to persist because
they're too coward! y to give the
students the truth, the drudgery,
and the futility of all things
under the sun. But now, here,
tonight, on the eve of my
second departure the giddiness
returns. I finally realize what
the mysterious power is that I
miss so much about Rhodes:
the friends. That was and is
my solace, my salvation. The
small pieces of me that I see
reflected in those I was closest
to.
The communitas, the
conversations I no longer can
afford because of work
schedules, "doing lunch,"
making rent, and"paying off the
mountain of . school loans I
unknowingly accrued. This is
what ·l've sacrificed, what I've
lost.
If you haven't made
friendships of this caliber or
you have but are taking them
for granted stop and realize how
special your time at Rhodes
really is.
Everyone: I love you, you're '.
not forgotten just dearly
missed. Thanks.
. FOR
LI-FE
OR
LONGER. .. GMR
p(}ft:\ '"'th "i
51R.
y~
~tl>EPISU IS UEt(E
••• LOOIC.S LIKE
ESCARQOT M4A1,\i !
E'~ .... No. sra~KICK.
I
StfOVL.O Col1i
SACK
AFTER L.1,1tJC+f.
~~i~~~~~~2~~~?tf~
'
~~
'45"/.fir
The R.A. (I was
informed at press time that the
name The Rat's Ass is the
intellectual property of issue
one and cannot be used in
issue two) triumphantly
returned from a summer hiatus
last week with its Exclusive
Back to School Issue, once
again displaying that the
writers, even during the first
week of school, have nothing
better to do. After reading the
issue, I took a moment to
reflect and offer this critique.
Immediately apparent
is the paper's use of blatantly
sexist clip art. Culled from an
ad in a mid-sixties Esquire, the
snippet supports the notion
that less weight is more, that
to catch the eye of the steely
hunk the woman should have a
nice figure. However, the
paper's attempt at mere
montage should not be viewed
as
approval of the sexist
ideo!'ogy advanced by the ad.
Rather, it serves as a reminder
that .now hopefully obsolete
'
attitudes (but who are we
kidding?) were once rampant in
our" culture. The editors are
obviously appealing to the old
adage that history forgotten is
doomed to repeat. With this is
mind, look for The Rat's Ass
"Piece of Cheese" centerfold in
future issues honoring the
1940's calender artist, Vargas.
In another
controversial move, the paper
allows the use of the word
an
--........, ...
Dr em el
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
"fart" in C. Combs article
"Did Somebody Fart?"
Bringing to light a current
snafu in art legislation,
Combs uses the "f' word to
describe the odious actions of
the Cobb County, Georgia
government. When asked to
defend his verbal bravado,
Combs pointed out that fart
pronounced backwards is traf,
which rhymes with the name
of tennis star Stephie Graf. Of
course, the Cobb County
commissioners play tennis.
The implications, according to
the stunned editors, were too
great for a substitute phrase
such as "blow an air biscuit"
or the textbook "flatulate" to
be used.
The olfactory debate
waf~ its way to the back page
in C. Schaeffer's untitled
article supporting his right to
a natural, albeit repugnant,
body odor. A close read
reveals that Schaeffer is
actually forming a relationship
between his smelly persona
and the paper itself.
Schaeffer's demand that variant
hygienes be accepted sans
criticism from the showering
public is analogous to the
paper's desire to exist on
campus in its makeshift, some
may call it smelly, form.
Schaeffer's article, along with
Give
the repeated cut and paste logo,
forms an adroit conclusion to
~the issue.
electric
shoe polisher
Wonderful to Own. ·. . Exciting to
,P
,J.
The local theater was not '
stopped from showing the
plays nor were people
banned from attending the
play if they so chose to do
so. The only action that
took place was that
government funding was
no longer allocated to the
arts. Without answering
the questions above and
providing any facts for
your assertions, one must
come to the conclusion
that your arguement is
one big FART! Now, 'fess
up.
-- Chris Brown
Whispers of
Superficiality: A review
of last week's issue
by Brian Dixon
•
© ,
cd
r:J')
·-
Lava'• Laap of Illuaination
(Ode to Bsae)
Blue-green lava falls and swells in a primal rhythm
Like bare emotions
· Unearthed by honest digging.
A light fran within forms impressionsShadows of life and deathAn affirmation of the natural order.
A synthetic nature of blue bubble-blobs
Bearing the essence of soul-made philosophieaEons of questions without answers.
It pulses with a separate energy
And tranquility.
Reason is a treatise with realityImagination is the child of ~
Wiadan is the on,l y tranagreHionKnowledge is a f~ress of glass.
Burp.
Belch.
The wind is broken.
And illumination passes from me
With the aftermath of that chili dog
From Burney'& Burger Barn.
�TELEVISION AS A MOTIF OF
CULTURAL CORROSION (or,
why I like Roger Waters'
"Amused To Death")
by Ross Gohlke
The
first
impression
startled me like a pick-axe
to the head (did I say
startled?). I was lying on
the floor, half-asleep and
tuned out to the CD player.
Then suddenly- CHOP CHOP
- the piercing rhythm of an
axe splitting wood; I'd
already slept through the
nuclear explosion which
nearly gave my dozing
roommate a heart attack.
rock band, this time he
needs to stand on his own
two feet, and I need a
justification for not talking
about Pink Floyd.
But
Waters doesn't just stand
up. He looks you straight in
the eye, and sometimes
even gets close enough to
spit in it. Or hit you over
the head with a pick-axe.
Catcher In the Rye or
maybe Naked Lunch (the
movie).
Yet to call it
simply music is misleading.
"Amused to Death" is more
recorded performance art.
Sound effects litter the
entire album, bleeding some
songs
together
and
completely altering the
moods of others. There are
narratives also, and it
Perhaps the key to the
success of "Amused to
Death" is this balance of so
many different things, in
the curious juxtaposition of
delicacy and bloodletting,
the engagement of various
senses, the range of topics
addressed- everything
from the "Melrose Kids" to
"What God Wants" to
Tiananmen
Square in
"Watching TV"- "She's the
one in fifty million I Who
can help us to be free I
Because she died on TV."
You cannot simply listen to
this album; you must
experience it. Consid,e r it
an intense alternative to
watching
"Roseanne"
reruns some night; or
every night.
My first exposure to Roger
Waters'
latest effort
"Amused To Death" had
nothing to do with music,
which says a lot about why
this release has not
. received mountains of
attention from the music
press, although its been on
the market since 1992.
The second listening, in the
same dimly lit room with
the same crappy CD player
(apologies
to
my
roommate), this time with
both ears wide open, gave
me a clearer sense of what
this album is about, what a
mammoth
and
gutsy
undertaking it was, and just
how refreshing it is. The
sheer magnitude of Mr.
Waters' ambition alone is
admirable.
But it just so
happens that he's created a
work 01' art, which i1' not
entirely
flawless,
is
nonetheless a little gem
worthy of a listen. Well,
you really have to hear it
more than once. And you
ought to be awakealthough I have to admit it
was a pretty cool way to
wake up.
And don't try comparing
this stuff to Pink Floyd.
Although there's plenty 01'
that psychedelic influence
that made Waters famous
as a founding member of
' England's premier 70's art
quality of sound on each
track.
Even with my
roommates'
cheesy
jambox, I jumped up to
answer the phone at one
point. It just kept ringing.
By the same token, Waters
takes his music seriously,
enlisting the help of such
notables as Jeff Beck and
Don Henley to create a
dark, dirty and blue music
with integrity.
Whatever the term "college
music" has come to mean
these days really has little
to do with being in college;
and I doubt that "Amused To
Death" will ever make it to
the College Hit List- or any
hit list for that matter. Yet
Waters has produced
something that sounds more
like what should be blasting
from dorm room stereos
than any imitation grunge
sound
or
Let's-CallOurselves-Crotch rocketMam a band.
It's the
musical equivalent of, say,
wouldn't be stretching it to
call Waters' strained vocals
more
narration
than
singing. Many of the lyrics
are simply poetry painted
onto a canvas of sounds- or
perhaps it's sounds painted
onto a canvas of words?.
Regardless of how you see
it, there is no denying the
strong visual imagery
rnni11rPrl hv thP r.hnir.P ~nd
As is the case anytime
someone points the finger,
especially at well-dressed
people sitting comfortably
around big TV sets in nice
houses, there ought to be
criticism of unfair heavyhandedness. I don't hear
anything. OK, I'll say it.
The album gets a little
weighty. I mean, look at
the cover art! Forget about
understatement. And then
there's that line from "Too
Much Rope", the same song
with the axe: "Give any one
species too much rope, I
And they'll fuck it up."
But Waters' words are so
intriguing and the music so
eloquent, I can forgive him
. for being intense and
thought-provoking. In fact,
he's given those of us
monkeys without TV's
something to do.
�
Dublin Core
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Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 3, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 02
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 03, 1993. This is the first issue in the collection to feature a "Letter to Uneditor". It contains a critique of Greek life from Mike Augspurger, and a review of a policy restricting open flames in dorms by Julie Meiman. Graham Robertson writes a farewell to Rhodes, Brian Dixon reviews the previous week's issue, and Ross Gohlke defends an album. This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Mike Augspurger, Julie Meiman, Graham Robertson, Bill Wiggleston, Brian Dixon, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF Text
Text
· 1
as~
WHAT'S GOIN' DOWN
WITH
RHODES
PLAYPEN, EST. 1848
by martin fox (with
Stay
Jovi~I)
I The door swung open.
Promptly it shut once more.
111is of course, had nothing to
do with what was at hand.
What was at hand was a matter
of you noticing this peice of
paper and reading this far.
Which of course was
the introduction to what is now
at hand. (That of course being
this peice of paper. You picked
it up for whatever reason, saw
that it was called the "Rat's
ASs", perhaps you were
curious. It doesn't really
matter).
What really matters is
a matter not merely of matter,
but a matter of anti-matter.
That is, we wish not to discuss
some tangible matter per se,
but a matter of what is SAID
about certain forms of matter. .
.namely human beings and
institutions of so-called higher
learning.
.
~
be wammg them of.
The ~
authorities organized some PR J
campaigns, and appointed a
sub-commitee to study the problem.
After a few years,
.someone suggested that they
talk to the keeper of the
lighthouse, and took the proper
steps to register for a
consultation with him. The
keeper was suprised by a
visitor, but quickly resumed
studying the intricate patterns
created when toys are being
examined by the distortions of
lens and mmors.
He
occassionly jotted down notes
of impressions seen, dressing
them with empathy and
' motivation. The man from the
sub-committee waited around
for a number of minutes before
he cleared his throat, and began
asking, in a tenative and
officious manner, about the
wrecks that had occured.
How
allegory: There was a lighthouse keeper who built a
protective tower, but grew tired
of building and didn't put in a
light.
Perhaps he became
overly engrossed in his
collections of hand-crafted toys
and
obscure
optical
For whatever
instruments.
reason, a light was never
installed, and a fair number of
ships crashed onto whatever
the lighthouse was supposed to
"Oh, the ships. Yes, I
thought I heard a bit of timber
collapsing, somewhat masking
th~ screams.
I didn't really
think much of it. l think I read
somewhere that seafruing is
sort of a risky business.
Excuse me though, I wa<> bu~y
researching."
The
sub-committee
representative didn't really
k~ow how to respond, so
di~'t.
He'd done his
~s!~ment
by
officially
v~sttmg, and wanted to get to
his plastic home early.
The autho1ities put the
statement on file. Since this
file was protected from those
who might misuse it, only l
person had access to it. For
extra security, this person was
locked in a padded cell and not
allowed contact with t11e
outside world.
A feature story in the
next issue of TI1e People's
Voice spoke of the auth01ities'
successes in the campaign to
make the island's coasts safor.
That, in the rnost
succinct of nutshells, is exactly
the matter at hand. One must
simply look about at the gothic
buildings, the smiling happy
students, the real sense of
COMMUNITY and FAMILY
here at Rhodes College in
order to confirm the utter
and veracity of this
The Rat's Ass is an open forum
for rhodes college students to unkink
their dreadlocks, unthink their buttocks
and get things off their chests. All
'
opinions expressed herein are strictly
those o~ th~ thieauthor, so don't slam us (or me, at
least) with hbel suits. All submissions
will eventually be published. Or
something.
�PERHAPS YOU 'VE
PASSIONATELY GENERIC .
l O TICED THE FRESHMAN
LASS .
WITH A LIMITED
PERHAPS YOU
IAVEN ' T .
APPLICANT POOL, THE
THEY BLEND IN
"DIVERSITY" OF THE CLASS OF,_... .
' ERY WELL, TOO WELL FOR.
HIS RHODENT'S TASTES .
IT'S
IOT EVEN SO MUCH THAT THEY
l ESEMBLE THE SOPHOMORES,
JUNIORS, AND SENIORS, IT'S
I HAT THEY RESEMBLE EACH
To A STRIKING
J THER .
l EGREE .
·~AKES
ALL THIS SIMILARITY
ME VERY NERVOUS .
AcTUALL Y, RHooEs
: HANGED THEIR ADMISSIONS
'"' OLICIES THIS YEAR .
THIS IS
r HE FIRST YEAR THAT
!\OMISSION TO THE COLLEGE
'99 IS ASTONISHINGLY LOW
(SURPRISE, SURPRISE, NO
ONE SAID RHODES WAS KNOWN
FOR ITS DIVERSITY) .
STUDENTS WHO THINK, DRESS,
AND TALK ALIKE .
M EANING THAT ADMISSIONS
M UMMY AND DADDY MAKE
B EFORE THEY DECIDE IF BABY
C AN COME .
THIS PRACTICE
U SED TO BE AGAINST THE LAW
( IT SOUNDS LIKE A FORM OF
DISCRIMINATION) BUT THE LAW
C HANGED, AND NOW IT'S A
PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
BEHAVIOR, LEGALLY SPEAKING .
THE PROBLEM IS THE
A PPLICANT POOL GETS
S MALLER . THEY CAN TELL US
ALL THEY WANT TO THAT
F INANCES REALLY DON'T
MATTER IN CONSIDERING A
S TUDENT FOR ACCEPTANCE,
B UT IF YOU BELIEVE THAT,
YOU PROBABLY DESERVE A
RHODES DIPLOMA .
AND l'LL
L EAVE YOU TO PONDER THE
RESULTS OF A SHRINKING
APPLICANT POOL (THINK OF
DARWINISM, GENE POOLS) .
fHE STUDENT BODY IS
C HANGING, AN EXPANSION OF
T HE CAMPUS'S COMFORTABLE
PASSITIVITY, A DISCERNIBLE
S HIFT TOWARD THE
THEY MAY BE TAKING
ALL THE MONEY THAT COMES
l'M
INTO THE SCHOOL (ANO THAT'S
BEGINNING TO SUSPECT A
PLOT
QUITE A LOT) AND BUILDING A
TO FURTHER INCREASE
BETTER, LESS IRRITATING
HOMOGENEITY ON CAMPUS.
CLASS GUARANTEED TO
AND I'M GETTING
PROMOTE A SANITIZED, SAFE
UNCOMFORTABLE .
' IAS BEEN NON-NEED-BLIND .
0 ETS TO SEE HOW MUCH
WAS IT
GREAT MINDS THAT THINK
ALIKE, OR SMALL ONES?
IMAGE OF RHODES .
IT COULD BE A
LIFE!
SOMETHING INCUBATING IN
ALWAYS LAUGHS AT THE
FOR YEARS (WHICH WOULD
VIEWBOOK .
EXPLAIN THE DEPARTMENT'S
NOTICED THOSE PICTURES
RHODES GROW IN STATURE AS
LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY
I
ACCURATE .
WE MUST STOP THESE
ARTS COLLEGE IN THE SOUTH .
EXPERIMENTS, STORM
AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE
FRAZIER-.JELKE AND DISCOVER
WORKING IN THE BIOLOGY
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON IN
DEPARTMENT REPORTS, "IT'S
THAT UNDERGROUND SCIENCE
POSSIBLE, THERE'S
CENTER, FINO THE WILD SEEDS
STOREROOMS THAT YOU JUST
IN THE CLASS OF
CAN'T GO INTO, UNLESS
AND KAREN
"MACKIN MAMACITA" HUEZO,
BIOLOGY MAJOR, SAID
"CLONING IS ENTIRELY
You KNOW,
RHODES IS ONE OF
I 7
UNDERGRADUATE SCHOOLS
'99 AND
PLANT THEM WHERE THEY'LL
YOU'RE SOMEONE REALLY
POSSIBLE .
AND WALKING
AROUND CAMPUS TODAY, I
GENEROUS BUDGET) TO HELP
SPECIAL .
THE ONLY PROBLEM
WITH THAT IS, EVERYONE
THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT
MBA-ORIENTATED LIBERAL
THEY'RE
BRINGING THE VIEWBOOK TO
CLONING EXPERIMENT,
THE MOST CONSERVATIVE,
Ul
Q)
c
GROW (HOPEFULLY AWAY FROM
THE RAT).
BEFORE THE
POWERS IN HALLIBURTON
TOWER START EXPERIMENTING
ON CURRENT STUDENTS,
ALTERING OUR MINOS TO MAKE
US FIT, TOO .
THAT OFFERS A COURSE ON
MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES, SO
IT WOULDN'T BE A LONG JUMP
FROM THERE TO THINK THEY
WERE CLONING STUDENTS
TOO ."
~
~
~
•'-'
.JUST A
400
GLANCE REVEALS
Here is a user-friendly guide to
the Rhodes campus for all the new
faces, and for those of you who
successfully used the summer to
black out all memories of our fine
campus .
Rhodes is an exotic place, full of
strange people, mysterious secret
passages , and a history that would
make Edgar Allen Poe horny .
Palmer Hall, that stately building
with the tower, was buiilt on a
Cigarette machines, candles.
Confederate graveyard. And on a
incense, loud parties, and condom
certain exterior wall of the New in the future.
machines are extinct.
Robinson dorm complex, a
friendly hrown s4uirrels . white male
de mented stone mason stuck a
For a list of things so common
administrators , hlack groundskeepers ,
bas-relief head instead of a stone.
you migh_ not even notice them,
t
housekeepers , and cafeteria workers
Rhodes is populated with ghosts.
see Chris Brown's Welcome to
\)v.-S':< ~~
Ask one of the theater people
JD 's P lantatio11.
- unpleasant experiences in the ti
3 . office.
about McCoy's tale of horror, or
L- '- ""'~ ,t<......_"ehi
find your way through the attic of
- Asking yourself "whv classes have
Glassell to a hidden cubby hole
25 SIUd' ,, ·
with one student's final message of
· · en ..~ lllstcad o r
_
for incoming freshman .
- Greek Letters
despair scribbled on the wall. Girls
in Bellingrath have been known to
- very few parking places
~
wake up feeling the presence of
someone in their bed.
- " Rush Is Right" humpcr stickers i::: w
...... 2:!
But as interesting a place as
~b~
When I came in as a transfer student two
>- ~....;
- A lihrary with very few hooks
Rhodes is, there are certain things
0 "fili
years ago, I felt after going through the
-o ·a:;
that you won't see very often . We
o~
elementary-like orientation , which was
..c:._.
would like to call your attention to
~ llJ
llJ ..c:
supposed to "introduce" me to the college,
all of Rhodes' endangered species ,
-..c:
didn ' t live up to its well intended purpose.
Have Fun
"[~;
because if you see one of these on
iThinking hack on my orientation
and Gain
our fine campus, you better take a
experience, the deficiency I found with it
picture for posterity's sake.
was that it wasn ' t from a student's
pcrs pccti ve.
•minority faculty
•Jewish faculty
To correct this prohlcm , I have com piled a
• minority administrators
list of phenomena which any student comes
across in her/his experience al Rhodes
•women administrators
College . Also , you should sec Ross ~4:
• humpbacked whales
Gohlikc' s Endanxerecl Sp ecies List for a ~ · ~
ulty who feel secure
• untenured fac
good list of things you won ' t sec at Rhodes
in their jobs
College.
• homosexuals
~
•white-spotted owls
"¢ ~
• dinosaurs
1ca Cl
- Every month, a strange man enters tJlC rat
• people who use public
~~
trying to sell long distance for AT & T.
transportation
• supporters of school sports
- The wrong last name on the doors of professors'.
ER: No, the ph rase "eternal torment"
teams
does not appear in the Bible.
· See for Yourself •.. Make Your Own Decision
AND HEY, BOOM-BOOM'S NOT
HERE.
BooM?
WHE~E's BooM-
~
~
~
~,
'-i;>
.'4 '.":_rj
~
:3'
s:::! ,
.....,.
V'.l '
~
.......
-.
~··
t:::r
V"_l
1~ ~ ~ ~
Popul~ty!'}:~ j
~
j Fs
~t.~·~
.
,S
- Doesn't the Bib\e speak of
"etema\ tonnent"1
�W~"'tC..."' ~
@,, D..-. ""-CA
Th Felt- ()()y 7
I
The dark smelltender made
use of his unusually wise-looking eyes
(which any smelltender worth his salt
gains after night-in, night-out of
listening to memory-dazed smelljunkies spilling their lives to an
attl•ntive man across the counter - - the
man whose presence becomes somehow
ll•ss a part of the now and more a part
of that world which is . . . well, I'll
call it the Smellfunk.
He is a
confidant and a lover to lost souls who
take their haven in the immediacy of
the magic smell-o-ramas.) to glisten
across the bar at a young businessman,
still fresh from work in a sensible dark
suit and optically enhanced neckpiece. The man had a look on his face
which told the smelltender volumes
about the man's situation and his
thoughts. His job. ft was almost
always their job, the suits, that is. At
first, he was living in a dream,
l'CStatic at the ease with which he
opened the world before him and
stepped into a powerful position with
a powerful company. Oh, could he
play the game. The dark smelltende~
glistened across the bar, amused with
his psychoanalysis. He constructed a
that
was
not
wholly
grin
unbenevolent, and gently yet clearly
formed the words, "Pick your poison."
The
young
businessman
shuffled uncomfortably on the stool,
utterly conscious of the tag on the back
of his brand-naml' undl•rwt•ar and the
comml·nls he was sure to receive from
his wifr when she saw that he had
hl'l'll at the smell-o-rama for the third
lime this Wl'l'k. You sec, she always
k1ww. The smclltender noticed the
man's discomfort and set him at ease
with a heart-wrenching smile of
• kind1wss, then boomed, wholly too
loud considering the small distance
Lwtween the two, "Come on, boy, spit it
out."
"Early eighties, please.
want booming business. I want cocaine.
I want conservatism. Dammit, l want
Ronald
Reagan!"
The young
businessman had blurted the words
before he considered what the
-
smelltender might think. He had been led by
an amazing feeling of anticipation which the
.:> melltender was so fond of producing in his 1
customers (not without the aid of a small dab
of Eau d' Anticipation that he occasionally
dripped throughout the bar and sometimes just
outside the bar on windless days), to a state of
mind which made him completely forget his ..J-.,.-ll'±!:iictl~
position in every realm of his life and others,
that is, except that tag on his underwear and
the fact that he wanted more than anything
in life or death to enter Smellfunk, and to do it r.lll~lll
NOW.
The smelltcnder was in motion before
the man had finished speaking. He had
turned around to face row after row of
colorfully labeled and packaged bottles (the
creative marketing of which the businessman
would usually have mentally commented
upon, but not just now) and bent down to open a
Plumbing
USED CONDOMS Hundreds of
styles, colors, nb configs etc. Some
used only once. Convenient E Colfax
location.
by S.Joviall
" Help' "
wife cries to husband
--·
" I' ve dropped my small liberal arts college ~ BORED cou..hEGNE ~ 1~'u524 Hours
W
T o M eec You Rig t ow. a
d own the sink while washing my hands."
anc
""'~ 1
husband ambles in
/
~
fetches monkey wrench
)
'
crouches beneath the smk
/
empties the contents of the pipe:
) l4 '
"()
a 1975 nickle
a hairpin
17 antelope skulls
and a great sleepy black bear
"' )1.,,,1"J
J
the bear rubs his eyes
awakened from a long winter's nap,
sez "If you are looking for the
small liberal arts college,
you ' re too late, I'm afraid
..,.
it is already deep within the bowels of the plumbing. __
.>• i
~ ~- ·
R......,ToOonge
Emergency Lining •
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 23, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from August 23, 1995. On the front page Martin Fox and Stay Joviall discuss the matter of anti-matter. Ross Gohlke creates a user-friendly guide to Rhodes College. Chris Brown tells us his experience of being a transfer student. On the last page Stay Joviall calls for help!
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, Stay Jovial, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown, Dave Sears, Laurie Sansbury
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/13ccf3251b753882229e40173e2482cd.pdf
024707b13b9fe9daf73b8cdf49779121
PDF Text
Text
s
ASS STRENGTH
There's No Going to
Town in Bathtub, or,
How to Endlessly
Enjoy the Fracture of
Narrative.
b~ 1'\1'rtin
'FcJ(
~
Tomorrow's leaders
Edward Gorey's
phantasmagoria
consists of parodies of
Victorian children's
literature, adopting a
darker version of
Lewis Carroll's antididactic strategies.
His The Raging Tide:
or, the Black Doll's_
Imbroglio uses the
form of Choose-YourOwn-Adven ture children's novels in
which -the reader is
pn:~sented with a
degree of control in
linking passages
together through
directed pageturning.
1 one sciens
tific answer to that idiotic Freudian
mumbo jumbo .
are busy tonight
The form of
the text, then, is
potentially different
with every reading.
Each page consists of
a sentence _
ac-companied by two choices_
_and page-ilirectives
a._11d a drawing
illustrating the
action. Thus, if you
find Hooglyboo's
cramming Eighash
inside a vase elev€!",
you are instructed to
turn to 11,
continuing the
narrative. If, on the
other hand, all this
seems too terrible to
contemplite, you
turn to page 29,
send.ing_everyone
joyously to an early
grave and ending the
story. In some
readings, two to four
T·N·T
,,_ p 0 PC 0 RN
of the protagonists
will assault one
another with
domestic objects until
the end, with possible
excursions to the
Dogear Wryde
Topiary Gardens or to
illuminatory passages
on turnips and
prunes.
The control, in
the forms that Gorey
satirizes~ however, is
somewhat illusory,
an4.as_ is traditional
in children's literature, is designed to
impose codes of
''common'' sense._ and
morality ,-as death of
the reader (the ending of the narrative)
can result from
choices deemed
"wrong'~ by the
author. Gorey
subverts this by foregrounding the
manipulativness of
the genr.e and
pointing towards the
implicit codes-of
morality in the
choices offered. One
act of attempted
senseless violell€e
leads to another, with
little s€Ilse of order
other than_that
Linposed by the
reader's choices. The
implication, then, is
that such · systems are
arbitrary and
therefore without
--~ ,....,
.-
....... :
·-
,....
THE ENEMY
NOW
IF EUROPE AND ASIA1·
.
WERE LOST
-,
.
TOTAL POPULATION is ~O\\'. r.oushly h~·o to one in our fav or.
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· h Ross Gohlk_ ":
e
An Interview ~ft
./7 .., -·-r , ~ ..
-.-,,
.
-.
/7
.
~~
•
...,·.:;·~·
l<
Well, another school year
is underway, and you're a
senior, right?
R: Right.
r: I should mention that I'm
not conducting this
) interview because I
•. ·?:; personally find you very
D:a..: interesting, but you are a , ,.
-~ pretty visible person on .
1.,,. campus this year, not
-;' necessarily visuallyR: I live off campus, but I hav
a meal ticket.
r: What I mean is that
because of some of the
things you're involved in
this year at Rhodes our
readers might like to know
a bit more about you.
R: You have readers? ·
r: I know you are a
sometimes contributor to
the Rat's Ass. What are
some of your worthwhile · · -~ :i.
extracurricular activities? -~ '¥
R.: Actually I'm about the only _-:-'
· J.
good thing the Rat's Ass
·~!l\'
,:::has going for it this year,
.
..
but don't print that. I'm
,/
also an officer in the Wool '
Socks, Rhodes' only
/ _!!:::'~ ' ·
d
double barbershop quartet. r _ .
')
Maybe not for long. There ~
is a group of about 20 or
so young women forming
a group called the Silk
Stockings.
Obviously derivative and
doomed to failure with a
name like that.
What's wrong with being
derivative? Do you think
thatyour group is original? _ _ __,
Don't get me started on
the epistemelogical
problem of mimesis. I'm in
Contemporary Continental .
- - - ··
·- -·
IVER
.
~~
-·"'.'
1 ~~~~~o~;~:iEngiisli
concurrently.
Then you don't use big .
words that you don't
know the meaning of
yourself.
R: How do you know I
don't know?
Have you noticed how
often the word "you"
has come up in this
interview so far?
You started it.
Isn't this interview just
a weak excuse to force
your megalomaniac
over-self-important ~elf
onto the freshmen and
other unsuspecting
members of the Rhodes
community?
Actually, I was.going to
ask you the same
question. Incidentally
the Wool Socks are '
l~oking for gig_ _ any
s of
kmd. So while we're on
the subject, if anyone in.
your imaginary
.
audience has a' need for W"i -.
an over-talented, underworked double "
barbershop quartet,
they can send DECMail
to GOHSR. , ,;
The Rat's Ass does not
participate in· such
blatant displays of selfpro~~tion ~q free 2;:3· ::..gfift:ibtftV~
publicity.
COSMO TRON .. . 0
Your idealism would be .
~--~
admirable except that I r-~.
happen to know that
J;,r
you don't have anything ~. 7'
else to print this week. :':.i '
How do you know that? '.!"'
t :·
'
-
C~OS~l':IG i~ one ta~t~cal military_situation ~nto whi~h_an
·g;.• •k·
-.m~~~r ~-.;.
....
~r
~ACID
YOUNG ~~~~hi~~PERSONf~ ELECTRODE
Christina Huntington
0~~#
1)~.,..u.
Last Saturday morning, a strange thing
riappened. At about 1 I :20 that
morning, m toes slithered from under
v
.....-=,...... the covers to make their f1 rst contact
~-111 of the day with the little piece of
carpet by m bed. I was immediately
y
alarmed bv the sharp crunch I felt.
which brought to mind tt1e
haH-squished roach I had seen on tne
bathroom tile the night before. When I
drew m foot back , however. I didn't
v
ifind a six- legged v1sitor , but a small
\greenish fragment of something,
mavbe a shell. I kicked it out of the
way, figuring it was easier to let it.
bioCJegrade in some corner than to
actually pick it up When I walked
over to my sink , I pinched my fool
again , and this time bothered to study
what this annaying little thing was. It
turned out to be a piece of acorn. Later
I found another fragment lodaed in the
inch-thick sole of mv shoe like the last
kid hiding in a game of hide and seek. 1
Just left it there.
Three years ago, during my first
semester at Rhodes, I spent about 45
minutes of one wonderfully chilly dav
sitting outside with too little clothing
on. I was waitng for a friend with
whom I have long since lost contact.
but at the time we were close and he
was rn town. We had set a time for him
lto pick me up, but he was chronically
late, and even though I knew this. I
kept expecting him to drive up the next
minute. so I stood outside Bellinorath
in mv skirt and t-shirt inst~ of
running inside for a jacket. It would
only be a few more minutes, I kept
telling myself as my fingernails grew
steadily bluer. If I went back to m
y
room for even a minute, my friend
might drive up and, not seeing me
there, think he was in the wrong place
and leave. Besides, it was startino to
feel good out there. Something about.
that kind of cold can clear the mind,
m
ake you especially aware of
·38nsations, make you realize that you
are, in fact , alive. The air had that
fresh smell you notice in the fall , but
of radioact_ve onlv when vou first wal ~ outsidP """rl
i
would be dropped intcf the river, throwing out rolling mists
enemy cou_d spray which would destroY'·irtually all life within the mile circle sh own above.
l
!\o wonder th e;;e weddings are
more of a fa rce t han a reality and
n ever last.
Your picture of Janet Leigh and
Jerry Lewis is the mo;;t horrible, vulgar picture I h ave eYer seen in any
111agazine.
Least Favorite Pupil
rr s,..,,...,,ll)
it m
ade the shadows sharoer and
deeper. I think the thrnQ I noticed m
ost
that dav was that each time the wind
blew , it wouM ram dull orown acorns
They crackled against the pavement,
pricking m ears with their sound and
y
sometimes knocking agamst my head on
the wav down. It was as if it were
sleetina. I told m friend about it
v
when h-e finally got there. and he said
that the sairrels had probably been
throwing acorns at me. I thought he
was a little paranoid.
That little acorn fragm in my shoe
ent
told me som
ething. A week I've been
ll
noticing that they've started falling
aoain. I went home toc:tav , and when I
walked up m driveway' they were
y
crunching underfoot. The birds aren't
smging at night anymore. Pretty soon
the beetles will be crawling in to die.
Last vear , the Voorhies stairwell was
littered with little half-alive beetles.
They would crawl around for a little
while then just give up and sit there,
even if you poked at them. I eventually
gave up trying to make them keep
moving. It was fall, their time to die
So, what is my point in talking about
all of this? I guess it has som
ething to
do with the idea that som
etimes, small
things speak with more authourity
than one would expect. E though the
ven
heat is still beating the hell out of me
these days, I'm looking for those little
details that hold the promise of fall .
Looking out over the playground,
she thinks, He's been a bad boy again.
one cup flour
I w
as so cl ose .
two eggs
He deserves to be punished, again .
one cup mil k
So close.
one tsp. vanilla extract
Your cover of Janet Leigh is utterI should call his father.
ly disgusting.
one cup sugar
She might call Dad .
a pinch of sal t
But his father is never home .
preheat oven 350 °
But Dad is never heme.
..
_..
\,
FANTASTIC WEAPONS
StaffB~
D. Ghosh
R. Gohlke
J. Oliphant
C. Huntington
M. Fox
J. Stovall
C. Schafer
My blo od pressu re hasn't returned
t n n;1nn;i\ ..: i11r1•
~('Pill~ J a ne1 LPi!!h's
Bengali Bruiser
Cogent Boy Wonder
Barney's Bane
Sangria Christy
Vulpine News Hound
Muscular Dystopia
Sans Cerebrum
W
aterproof Plug
Automotive Plug
�Movie Review
A couple of weeks ago i went to see a
:1ellow drama at the orpheum. It was
hat movie, umm, easy rider, and i
bsolutely hated it. It was funny,
nough. I liked natural born killers.
Restaurants of Midtown
I had better not name this restaurant
•
ecause i fear lawsuits like the plague.
\nyway, it is in midtown, i was there
he other day, and i saw a roach. It was
·ery very disgusting. I will say,
hough, that the food was good. Quite
ood.
Memphis Night Life
Pool is fun and there are some good
estaurants. Reading is fun but you can
o that in any town or city. Or rural
rea.
The People
It's like anywhere, i guess; some
oeople are nice, some are pretty mean.
m pretty normal so i don't have to
lke a lot of sh-t.
Other Things
I for one am having great difficulty
·ying to find good criteria that
istinguish art and science from each
ther. I feel that art probably means a
rocess we don't understand because it
; so complex or is obscured by blights
f ignorance in the fabric of our
:iphisticated but certainly not
ltimately sophisticated conceptual
:ameworks. So really I think that
oing art and doing science are the
ame except that in one case it's much
1ore obvious to us what we're doing. I
ould go on and on about this until i
1aybe made some sense but i won't.
Why
And i'll tell you why i won't. It's
ecause i'm apathetic and my powers of
oncentration are laughable. I'm
ctually laughing right now. And i
lame mtv for my laughter, even
Jough watching it never makes me
i ugh. I honestly don't mean to sound
itter. Probably just too much coffee.
:spresso, even. I'm always into the
1test fad.
Religion
I love to talk, read and think about
iat phenomenon people have· named
religion." Religious people can be so
1otivated! Much more so than you
nd/or i probably usually are.
>readfully horribly bad, though, can be
lJ
z
0
Vl
.....J
j)
Vl
~
~
religion for the sense of humor. I think:I
being cynical and probably also quite I-flippant is the true mark of a person
with a healthy(not as in "health" but as
in "definitely there in a menacingly
flourishing way") sense of humor.
Because and i know this is obvious
there are just so many more things and bigger, more important things that the cynical and flippant person is
having humor over.
Well
Well, i need to go. I enjoyed talking
to you.
_/\
lIST BI<:FOIU: l'LA Y BEGAN IN THE ANNllAL NATION
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, September 9, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 03
Subject
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Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, Fall 1994
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from September 9, 1997. On the front page of this issue of The rat's Ass martin Fox tells us the truth. Ross Gohlke sits down to be interviewed while Christina Huntington talks about that small things. The last page is a continuation of Christina Huntington's article.
Creator
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Martin Fox, Ross Gohlke, Christina Huntington
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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The Rat's Ass
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0ea3d72415dc967da3eee55303d4a8dc.pdf
1d782f76dc783a8f6d8ce976849369c4
PDF Text
Text
Volurie 3
· The Rat's Ass
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•.
PILLS,
111
HIT
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th
rtf~1~ creation, as it doesn't 'nothing. and has no
:-- - ~ ""~ when aU Ua1 unal Jadlcatloae t4UatUca,n eer&ainly
.,, .
.
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.
_
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~bl~~\ exist) have ~n
13fff3cts. We can use
~ ..?-~~
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r~The...Ra.t's Ass is p.ut togeth~ --. ~ .~..-~,_, ,;,
'J,\1.\'.1· ·i · · > unable to achieve
(f
i
the word nothing,
' •
~- 1U1 t~f~·)• -'. . • ·•_ anything. By its
but it cannot mean
' by a group of losers not unlike ; - ..: .
~I' 1~. ~ ,_ '2 . ·, absence, and the .
~i% ·
anything, because it.
yourself, but different. We
"publish" when we chose and
;~<.·\·~~~ absenc~ of absence, its does not refer to
.
distribute it in the Rat for you
~ ._~ :~;,-;., i non-existent statussome thing. and thus
to scan before you r Friday
.·:. ~ disallows us from
is decontextualized
afteF-lunch classes, and then
},~ ,kej~-~ ... ~~·o u•o ~
~nino- ,.... ,,.li\Ws. Wand incamble .of
:Mf
·"· I
rwad it up at our expense.
. -,~: it. Because it does
conception without
Obviously. tautologies are
. " ;;-.-.~· not exi~, it fundions.
being something or
false. (and hence , there are no
restrictions on w hat is
in-a ra~1cal stat~ of
the negation of some
published, and we lay no
~ • • !;.1'!,,,. . Jt non-bemg, which
thing. U you.-run
claims to representaition of
c· f ·,. · ;;.,· '_. does no t nega te
· 1~
\
across nothi n g,
truth or somethi ng. So don't
il.~:'~1· , be'
igngre it It doesn't
1}~.J' 11.,~!•·
ing, as, having no
scab us 'bout it.) That is to
·~~~
-. qualities,. it ~n have
exist.
say , the opinions expressed
·
no consbtulill~
herein are ours ... not theirs,
effects. The inability
and hopefully not yours. Any
and all submissions will be
for us to give it even
published.
conceptual existence
leads us not to
consider the effects o.(
ottr ereation ef the
lack of creation.
\\!hat- does- not exist,
then, does not exist,
nor does- it exist in an
anti-state. If
rnartin fox--art tatun-1
nothing11€s& ean not
be talked about, this
david sears--charley parker
discussion....vf
jay stovaJl--theJonious rnonk
nothin0 uess doesn't
dipak ghosh--john coltrane
exist Therefore, if
ross gohJke--benny goodrnan
you are reading it,
miles davis--as himself
you are ei~r non-,
existent, or it doesn t .
As nothing is
negated, nothing
emerges from it. Tr.te
replacement of
nothing w.ith
. .
nothing causes
in
h:i.n
1
H ow t o Get a P at ent .
O\rn
medici11 0
••
•
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the other night I was driving home ·after a visit on
campus with a friend.
It was late so the streets were deserted.
A police officer suddenly appeared in my rear view mirror. I was
extremely tired and in no mood to contend with an authority figure
after my eventful evening. I pulled to the side of the road and
was informed by the courteous officer that one of my headlights
"was burnt out. This being the case he was obligated to search my
~'\,
vehicle for anything that would have contributed to me driving a
~~
oar in that condition (with a head light not functioning
~~~
properly). To his surprise he found nothing but books for my ~~
classes. He was utterly shocked to find the combination of ~~
Philosophy, Psychology, Astronomy, and Greek books. With a ~
condescending tone he immediately inquired as to what sort of~
classes I was taking.
I told him that I was taking the above
classes as well as a Painting class. He began making comments
about me being a student at Shelby State Community College and
maintained that the Rhodes sticker on my back window was something
that I borrowed from a friend to make people think that I went to
a real institution. He seemed to be operating under the
conception that real colleges only housed the future doctors,
lawyers, politicians, and entrepreneurs. Once he saw my Rhodes
I.D. card he kindly asked me what the hell I was going to do wit
an education like that. It became obvious to me that I was
speaking to an individual who was living in a totally different
reality than I. He pressed his question and insisted that I give
him an answer. I told him that I was trying to acquire a broad
variety of knowledge and that my major was Philosophy. He laughed
heartily as he gave me the ticket.
On the ride home I really considered the whole idea. What
type of career can I have that will make me happy and allow me to
earn a decent living.
I then realized something that had been in
the back of my mind all along but had been suppressing. Freud
would liken this to penis envy. I had come to an amazing
realization. I know what I want to do and a degree in Philosophy
will enable me to do it. I want to be pimped.
I want to be a
male harlot . In layman ' s terms I want to be a bitch . It is
perfectly consistent with my hedonistic moral system. I can also
earn a substantial inoome.
It is not often that you can earn fat
duckets doing something you enjoy. I must seize this golden
opportunity . The only problem is that I want Ccn~ 1>0,f respected. I ·~
.to be
, 25
V)
d on ' t want to be just a bitch or simply a piece o~ Pound.
ass. I want to - ~
be fondled gently with an occasional smack (when I deserve it) or ~
bite. Today ' s society with its poor values does not give
~
individuals in this profession the proper recognition. In fact
:c;(
this field of expertise is highly discouraged especially by law
W::
enforcement. This comes to me as a great surprise sinoe
~
prostitution is probably most people's main occupation. It just
happens that I realize this and accept it.
I iust want to get~
my testicles played with in the _process.
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will hlow 11p all New York, P h iladelphia nnd Boston."
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I want to be real
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 11, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 10
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 11, 1994. The front of this issue had a mass selection of words and 6 of those words were larger then the rest "Attention, Hours, Obstructing, occasions, will, College, and INFORMATION." Martin Fox writes an article about not existing in our world and "if you are reading this, you are either nonexistent, or it doesn't. On the final page we get a list of religious symbolism.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, David Sears, Jay Stoval, Dipak Ghosh, Ross Gohlke, Miles Davis
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5fcc7fa7f0b745a8b0e51ccfc05a6af4.pdf
64bb6bcb2f08983f19198cef83e84742
PDF Text
Text
Volume II Issue 13
January 28, 1994
'
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Th<y •ouodoo
same 11 years later (thanks to cun-ent
dubbing technology), but their
performance wasn't as innocent as I
The Village People concert expected. "Macho Man" and "Trash
was held at Six-One-Six on Sunday
Disco" were accompanied by pelvic
night, and I'm not lying when I say
thrusts, tongue-gestures, and muscle
that it changed my life. We were
flexing. Tne 10 year-old me would
literally packed into the club, body to have been shocked. The 21 year-old
body, and by 8:30 I was close,
me loved it. It seemed to bring my
intima,te friends with the people
whole life into perspective . As a
around me. By 9:30 we were all
child of the 70's, I never dreamed that
getting impatient for the show of a
the disco beat woukl survive the next
lifetime. The Six Million Dollar
two decades. The Village People, as I
Band opened for the Village People.
now realize, are beacons of light:
blasting the audience with a powerful they represent the timele~sness of
disco beat that was reminiscent of
music, art, and dance. Most of all .
both Rick James and the Red Hot
they assure us that even in the
By I 1:00 we were
Chili Peppers.
1990's, it's still cool to be a macho
primed and ready for the Village
man.
People.
When they marched out on
stage, I was so excited I thought I
would throw up. They were all there:
Cowboy Man, Construction-Worker
Man, Indian Man, Motorcycle Man,
Police Man, and Army man were
decked-out in the finest Village
People garb they could dig out of
their closets. I was about ten feet
from the stage--just close enough to
see the sweat glistening on their 40
year-old muscles.
Don't get me wrong--most
of these guys have aged well,
although I must say they have gotten
a little stranger over time. As a 10
year-old roller skating rink devotee, r
imagined that behind the voices of
• Kiiis fleas
JOO" Faster
"Macho Man," "YMCA." and "In the
Navy" v1ere wholesome young men
•Nonerevlve
to relnfest
whc, enjoyed singing about how much
a /Kiiis fleas.
fun it ·.vas to be representative
lice, do~
members of the male sex.
tlclrs.
The Village People: A Review
by Julie "MACHO" MeiMAN
sticlr-t!aes
"-l1
t..J
'
'
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e
•
A Musing
by charles schafer
I currently am "1ot
trying to maximize the Good.
If I were, I would
l~~l'HIMfillJiJ!lii
calculatedly compose the rest ~••ili
of this column such that it
would initially capture your
interest and then, abruptly,
try to convince you of doing
the most morally productive
action I could imagine. Be
assured, though, that my
intentions are nothing but a
morass of ungrounded and
unmulled grains of ideas.
I'd like simply to talk
about our essence here, the
meat of our human nature, in
200 words or less. I think
that curiosity is really where
it's at. Where our
fundamental nature is at,
that is. And before you look
askance at this poor inquiry,
theological truths we divine
think with me for a moment.
through rational endeavor
What is the common element
may be suspect as
among all delvings into the
manufactures, if you take my
nature of humanity? The
meaning. The only way to
astute reader will already
escape such artificial holiness
have seen that the common
is ultimately to de-sieve
element is of course that
ourselves back into wholes.
they all demonstrate
curiosity. Get it? See what I Only then can pure
humanistic truth be born.
mean?
This essential
curiosity is closely tied with
the divine side of our nature.
It is only after riddling
ourselves with deep boring
questions, you see, that we
find we ar e h oly. So the
"
�An Early Morning Excursion
by Brian Dixon
Sun comes up, it's
One
Tuesday morning.
problem. The sun is not
actually up. It is four in the
morning.
The sun is up
somewhere, but not here.
Shannon, my girlfriend, has
just risen. Today is the day.
Though her surgery is
scheduled for the early
afternoon, the doctor insists
that she arrive at the hospital at
the crack of dawn.
I should back up. The
story does not begin here. Two
or three days before Christmas
I got a message in an
uncharacteristically
solemn
voice from Shannon, who was
visiting her parents in Atlanta.
If you know Shannon, you
probably do not know this
voice. I, however, know it, and
that it usually_ means something
bad has happened.
When I spoke to her
later
that
evening
she
confirmed my susp1c1ons:
"Well guess what? I saw the
doctor today. They gave me an
ultrasound. I have gallstones.
I need to have my gall bladder
removed."
I
reacted
oddly.
"Ultrasound" left me in
momentary shock, anticipating
the unexpected. "Gallstones"
brought me small relief, but not
really. We now understood the
inexplicable back pain that
had
been
Shannon
experiencing for nearly two
years. After she explained how
technology had eliminated the
use of scalpels, and that the
surgery was outpatient, I felt
some real, satisfactory relief.
The new methods involve lasers
and the such.
It is still
considered major surgery,
though, and Shannon is
understandably worried.
She is not allowed to
eat on the morning of the
surgery. Others might have
had a glorious meal the night
before, living it up before the
sacrifices of the next day.
Shannon, however, is on a
restricted diet.
If she has
another gall bladder attack
before the surgery, they will
have to use the scalpel.
Apparently, the laser cannot be
used if the gall bladder is
severely infected.
The old
methods mean a week in the
hospital, a month to recover,
and a ten-inch scar to
remember.
Somehow, I am not
worried. Shannon is, and this
bothers me. Her doctor has
performed this surgery two
thousand
times
without
complication.
I know the
surgery will go as planned. As
she waits for the surgery to
begin, I give my words of
encouragement, but what can
they do? She reminds me,
correctly, that she is the one
having her gall bladder
removed.
It hurts to see the
nurse roll her away. I know
she is frightened, and for the
first time since the ordeal
began, alone, trying to deal
with her fears without the
safety of me or her family. I
know she will be ok. Despite
her small size, she is a huge
person, and capable of coping
; alone. I still wish I was there,
though. I know that in her
"" IUINID Ml UP
wl1f"11
lif' t-1ui1I. 'Sun•! Nt•w York girls
1·a11 •lam·1•-aml 1111111! •m 1-11111\\tty JOlrn11M-1U11I Awim
-01111 tlriH· in lrarli1· -lu11 "lia1 I \\ Ant 111 know ir, 1·an
thry mo/.·? Sh11" uu• ju~I onl" ""110 nm l111ke a rrnlly
goott t·liot·olalf" 1·ak,.!' So . ..
much smaller shoes, besides
being uncomfortable, I would
be extremely worried, and want
a familiar face nearby.
I did not worry about
her until her father began
explaining the small print.
Apparently, if left unchecked,
her faulty gall bladder could
have put her in a life
threatening situation, one
similar to that of an exploding
appendix. It would !1appen
quickly and unexpectedly. This
is too much to even think
about.
As it turns out, I have
no reason to worry. As I
contemplate the worst case
scenario, Shannon is already in
the recovery room.
The
surgery is a success, and
involves no complications. One
more for the doc. Though she
is woozy and struggles to say
she feels like shit, I feel a sense
of relief.
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ON.
JeEAt>Y Th
CDME
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WfltL.io
B~K F~oM
-rl>
!6 F/eE:.Stt ouR >fEHoRtES·
~E
GADOMSKI
.:I'M No-r•••
otC, :t''/'f KcAP"'/ !
WA,,-
..
I'M NO,... ON M~. ~.
f.£AD'/ ! WHER.lf
IHE HEU.. Al'.E
H IAj" U~, YE,.-.
\
l
MY -na HT~ ?!
I'm Just Visiting
Bl" St<!.lft..
l<G\.4'"es
If you come to New York
sometime and feel like coming
down to the West Village. you
should go to Sheridan Square,
where Seventh Ave South,
Christopher Street, and W4th
St intersect. There, high up in
the air and over the Village
Cigar store, you can find an
advertised representation of
today's man.
Highest up, there is a large
picture of a rugged cowboy,
known to all the world as the
Marlboro Man. Below that,
overlapping the Surgeon
General's warning, is a huge
picture of two men, sitting on
rocks with their arms around
each other. Behind them is a
clear blue sea and a cruise ship
right out of the Love Boat. fn
bold, red letters - RSVP
CRUISES "The best value in
Gay Cruises." The guys are all
smiley and happy- they must be
having a good time and got a
dam good deal on it, too.
What's the me;ming of the
billboards? Does the hetero
representation take precedence
because its on top of the gay
cruise billboard?
Does
everyone driving down 7th
Ave, toward New Jersey,
question
their
sexual
orientation and dream about
lazy days of shuffleboard and
dancing the night away? Is this
whilt this column is about? No
- I'm just wondering what
constitutes a good value on a
Gay cruise.
I mean, is there a difference
between a good value on a gay
cruise and a good value on a
non-gay cruise? You probilbly
get the same accommodations
and the same food. I guess the
difference might be in the
entertainment or the activities.
But, then again, maybe not. I
really haven't called them to
nsk what the difference is.
Maybe I should.
When I look out of my fifth
floor window, I see the back of
these two billboards. They're
not pretty but they do serve the
purpose of blocking some of the
tremendous amounts of noise
that h·avels up from the street. I
doubt either billboard does a
better job of blocking the sound
than does the other. They look
the same from my window.
Unlike a number offeople
I know and don't know, don't
mind livi ng in the West
Village, in the center of Gay
N_ew York. Sure, a fat ugly guy
tned to make a pass at me on the
street one night but that's only
happened once. Boy, I sure
know why women hate that
kind of thing. And, sure, I'm
sure people assume most men
are gay that live in that area
but, you know, its New York
and the sheer numbers lend
themselves to an anonymity that
cannot be had in most parts of
the world. I don't mind Jiving
there at all.
Since I've been back from
New York, during the holidays,
everyone ~as ~aturally asked
me how I hke 1t. It's kind of a
funny question if you think
about it. Anyone who knows
me is not surprised when I
answer - It's OK, I don't mind
living there at all. It's not as
bad as everyone thinks. And
it's not. You can have Jots of
fun or you can let it get to you.
Or you can be like me and just
l~ve there - you cope. You JUSt
live.
Getting back on the subject
of the billboards, one co uld
view them as a representation
o~ today's man. You could also
view them as two billbm1rds
that block the sound of sirens
fr.om waking me up at night.
Either way, I don't mind living
there at all.
~nergy
..
Mrs Robert Fennimore.
too, says
·
I r h
"When I get to feeling tired, ' . I~ . t
el_ get a wonderful ltft 10
up a C am
ildalmost no cime. Camels are so m
they just suit a woman's taste."
"HOUSEWORK takes plenty of
The adventures of James L. Clark
-scientist, naturalist, explorer, and
vice-director of one of America's
largest museums
. ls James Clark led his
f rare an1ma ' over the icy passes
·
N SEARCH o
I d'
. .
from n ta,
exped1uon up
the desert wastes
nd across
.
of the Himalayas, ~
f over 3,000 mt 1es
.
1ourney o
d h'
of inner Ch ma - a
.
. redible bar s tp,
h
er thirst, me
h d
beset with u~g '
:Mr. Clark says: "I've a
and hostile nauves. As .
my share of nerve-tensing danger and tough
going - times when Camels come in ha~~Y· I
wouldn't be without Camels on my exped1ttons.
.
·
It's amazing how qutckl Y my vim comes back
.
I smo ke a Camel after an exhausting trek.
w h en
,,
I
And Camels never upset my nerves.
The Rat's Ass, in an
attempt to widen its
reading audience and to
fill up more space, will
now featu re a weekly
glance at the opinions
expressed by other local
newspapers. This week's
section comes from the
January edition of the
well-known Memphis
Collegiate,
which
somehow lost its way
from CBU and ended up
on my lunch table. The
news story's strong
stance against the civil
rights movement should
make us all think about
our ideas concerning
societal change, grassroots movements, and
apple pie ....
Freshman Bob Shumate of Napa, Calif., stares like ;tout
'n
Corl es 1 "-·ild surmise" over Cal's sea of unknown aces.
•
o- o-o-o -o-o·o-o·o-0-0-0-o-o
6
\
0
D
by R. C. Babaoglu
I
0
Recently, on the campus of Chris-
I
tian Brothers University, a burglar
0
was pursued by maintenance men until
he pulled out a pistol, opened fire, and
jumped the bordering fence to make his
getaway.
Violence on the serene campuses
of America has become more an more a
commonplace ever since the 1960s. The
ci vii rights movement and Vietnam-era
•
pecially significant for
us crime, beprotests are es
the phen~men?niJ~~~ht, for the first
cause ~e1r arnv . tentional lawbreaktime, widespread inthe nation's college
ing and violence to
campuses.
Staff Box
I
b
I
0
C>
0
I
0
I
0
I
()
I
0
I
Rain Man
Ice Man
IceT
lcedT
Nicety
Creature Comfort
Southern Comfort
Hail Yes
Sleet Jesus
Cumulo Nimrod
Mike Augspurger
Pat Garrett
Julie Meiman
Chris Brown
Ross Gohlke
Brian Dixon
Clay Combs
Dipak Ghosh
Jeff Gadomski
Chuck Schafer
The Rat' s Ass is put together every
once in a while by a crack staff of
Rhodes students, alumni and other
people vaguely connected to this
campus, and distributed in the same
loca tion as actual campus
publications, the Rat. If you take
offense at any of the material, the
names above are simply the butt of
a complex joke, and these people
didn't write anything in these pages
(Wait, you say, then why ... ?).
()
·.
G~T A t\f1 WITH/ A CAMEL
.,
.
<
�F~~m~nrtUe
The Male Perspective
by Clay Combs
The Real Difference Between
Men and Women
n•. • ' .
1
.I
A
[With rabid enthusiasm, I
present here the inaugural
installment of a new column
The Male Perspective. Th~
column itself has no raison
d'etre, other than to celebrate
Male culture, to report on
. ' things that interest Males, and
· in all things, to reduce to
nothing, through stereotyping,
the thoughts and feelings of
one of the largest groups of
testosterone-bearing peoples in
the world, Males.
It should be noted right off
that there exist within the
group of Males many
subgroups classified, by and
large, according to tongue
behavior. The dominant male
,,_~ gene for tongue behavior,
· • .:fi:'~ carried on the y sei
' ·
.
•
"What do you mean
'What's the difference'? Yo~
have to have a clean
bathroom," she said. "What
would people think?" She shot
me a glance of utter horror and
gave a little shudder at the
thought of the Untidy
Bathroo~ ,
ending the
conversation.
It later occurred to me we
had unwittingly uncovered the
Real Difference Between Men
and Women. In short, nien
don't care about their
bathrooms. We, don't spend
time in them. We don't fix
them up. We don't clean them.
Bathrooms 1epresent to
men only the quickest possible
satisfaction of bodily urges and
social requisites that, truth be
told, only slow us down and
contribute nothing to our lives.
The men are legion who, even
as they lat.'1er their hair for the
obligatory weekly shampoo,
resent every dig of the fingers
into the scalp, and with good
t .Ka~a Alpha ThelUean Guittard, freshman plf'<lge (left)
•.
formal dancing with J ean Sayre, upperclassU: " hromosome, results in the
c
One of the effects of Greeks .
banging of the tongue over the
·com..--.-emorethanhalfofthestuen·d rweotlnft
lower lip at all times. ~on~~e
_nt body is that they tend to appeat l
e
behavior in a small mmorhy,
~ugh they set the social structure
however, is governed by a less
bein ~t the si:°1ple reason that, I
common gene that results in
thC: Is ape~~ 0~tions, i
the constant resting of the
tongue inside the cheek.]
the coolest lllOlt ~Greeks are
campus. . '
~u people on
My mother and I, as is our
wont, were talking about
bathrooms-their purpose,
decora1.ton and maintenance.
"You just have to clean your
bathroom constantly," she said.
"Oh," I said. "I'm not so
sure about that."
"What do you mean, 'I'm
not so sure about that'? You
have to clean bathrooms all the
time. At least once a week."
I reviewed mentally my
bathroom-cleaning record. It
came to twice a month,
reason: if the networks forget
to schedule pregame shows
before each game in a playoff
doubleheader, the men have to
sacrifice seeing the kickoff of
the second game for no better
reason than taking a shower.
(There is no chance of
showering before the first game
or after the second, for the
obvious reason of Beer.)
So while it may have been
obvious to some, it will surely
take others unawares that the
Real Difference Between Men
and Women traces to the W.C.
I only hope this essay ushers
in a new era of understanding
between two groups of people
heretofore so mutually
misunderstood.
XXX
eDJOY
:r
roughly . Okay· Once a
month. Maybe. "l don't
understand, mom," I said.
At the sw11th11rt derby stagecl by Sigma Chi~ ru h
"What's the real differencer'
llmf'll N'<! with wn
•
• s tt~ were
r nnmt . nn~hffi tfown n ~mnll rolln ro11~trr.
e
IT----.r___== !:J:__J_
Q :
Pc:-.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 28, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 13
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 28, 1994. It's the last issue in the collection, though the headline reads "Special Comeback Issue!!" The front page features pieces by Julie Meiman and Charles Schafer. Brian Dixon tells a story of gallbladder removal and Steve Karnes follows. Jeff Gadomski illustrates for us another iteration of "Fat Bug and Slug Boy", while one "R.C. Babaoglu" writes of events on the nearby Christian Brothers University campus. Clay Combs gives "The Male Perspective" on the back page.
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Julie Meiman, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Steve Karnes, Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Pat Garrett, Chris Brown, Ross Gohlke, Dipak Ghosh
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/14def419d405ddc8af349b929f5d5be3.pdf
1969a22e751030490bbeeba3bdda1ccf
PDF Text
Text
' - This can make tasks that require a clear mind difficult,
r;waningle,ss or unsafe.
l
WHAT'S THIS LITTLE MAN DOING ON MY KNEE?
by jay (Keep your heaven to yourself - - happiness in
the clouds. It tastes itchy.
Keep your 'if only's' - - if only she would get to
know me; if only she would love me; if only I
could get rid of her, that bitch. - - watch
them slide away like a jug of milk pushed
across a kitchen table: whoosh, pause, whoosh,
pause . . .
Keep your spirituality and explanations. Manufacture
and build them up around you like a tree house.
Tree houses are fun to play in, but be careful
i
where you step because you may fall out and be
.
I
forced to realize that there is a really big
ground down there with no walls around it.
y~
BEING without reason Is absurd. BEING
without reason I& a big fuzzy hltman who has
come to wipe off your mllk moustache with a
solar flare. BEING tastes llke an exploslon,
and It don't need no •why.'
So keep your materialism and your faith in faith.
I found a funkiness in my own faith [a faith in
funkiness], and swished it around my mouth, and
tasted myself, with a tinge of wordy
cholesterol, slightly underplaying a sensual
overtone.
Yes, keep your glory days and your polite masking
smiles.
I say, take the only real way. The way of the
chicken. And, for that matter, the way of the
wad of gum under the table. The table and the
gum. The gum and the table. The rum and the
fable. Your monnna is a fat Elvis-lover, and
you ain't nuthin' but a fuzzy wuzzy bear
swimming through vats of fats singing 'bout I
got the blues cuz the knife ran away)
witherspoon
.
I
THIS UTILE MAH IS OH MY KNEE .
HE IS A LITTLE MAH .
t~OT REMEBER A TIME WHEN HE WAS HOT THERE .
KNEE.
PERHAPS
I
HE FITS 01~ MY KNEE .
I
HE IS THE LITTLE MAH OH MY
WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM ONE DAY .
DO
�Vortex
Dialogic
-Xaft Minor
·I
Sometimes I think 1 am
living in a Theatre de
L 'absurd play when I read
that pathetic publication
called the Sou'wester. One of
the most in form ati ve articles
which wasted about a halfpage last week was on the
"change" concerning the
SIRs. The great "change"
that will take place will be
that now our wonderful and
intelligent student
representatives will hand out
the_ SIR forms and read a prewnuen letter to the class.
This is supposed to "create a
more confidential and serious
atmosphere... " w hen students
fill out these forms. Now
let's be realistic just for ~
second. Student reps handing
out the SIRs will not have
any effect on how the SIRs
are used. The RSG seems to
have a lack of analytic skills
when it comes to thinking
through who interprets the
SIRs. Who gives a fuck
whether the professor or
some student hands out the
s_
IRs. This will not change a
single thing on how the SIRs
are used. It is the
administration that assumes
the duty to interpret the
SIRs and then use them
against any job position or
professor they want to
term inatc. It is the
administration which is the
problem here, not those who
hand-out the SIRs. Our Greek
filled student government
......
~ -~
~~~
{!~)J .«~l
XAFT MINOR - FDA
.JHEY WHITHERFUNK - EPA
NEETO BEEF URN - FBI
CHRIS BROWN - ATF
STAY .JovlALL - CIA
~
~
(
'1
seems to think that they
really are accomplishing
something with this
"change" in policy. Of
course, if the function of the
RSG is to suck the dick of
the administration then I
must compliment them on
the job they are doing with
only one small complaint.
SUCK HARDER!
\(
\\
J made you
with craft and deliberation
charting and foolproof
turning youth into something
benign but guarded
under heated juristriction
scrubbed and not foresaken
holding off and pursing lips
implant growth-forms
garner response prediction
verisimilitude popu]us zerography
allowance of harpinlin taste
titular gonzaga container
paraplex ostensiable dorflit
· isable gorflin behaviors
rashyolin cabagarech odius
casbahdop torbhal dan
. But it falls apart anyway
I was found
in the thickets of musty
vineyards with scramb1ing
looseness and rustling scatologies
sunlight filtered names
tantamount and flavorful
wastrels of 1ove1iness
regalia undermining heat
honey dripping cuticles
evervescent baby basins
simper puzzled rom lashings
losted barzoorn touching
sourbets jocund hostekram
haberdashery essence godlycrurnb
kabalistic noumena finglapse
bashing bazooks overture
xibnotreplin targ poobah
In a search for order
The Rat's Ass™ is a metalinear botching
of the exercise in non-recursive duality; as
such, the opinions contained herein reflect
the views of no one other than their respective authors. Thank you for choosing our
airline, and we hope you will f~ with us
FROM THE NEFARIOUS MIND OF THE
S'UP'E1( C:J{'E1('R!Y AfJtSPE1( . . .
WHAT IF?
What if you were playing basketbal l and all of a su dden
the ball t urned into Dr. Jobe s' he ad and p ronounce d , "Al l
work and no play ma k es Jim a dul 1 boy ! ," and then
proceeded to boun c e up and down the court, s l a m-du nk
himself,
chase the chee rl eaders ~ bi te the coach's
hamburger , giggle , s pin rapidly in the a ir and di sappe ar
in a cloud of smoke?
�Graft .
-sty bay fovlall
You'Ve been picking those
scabs of reason and tug~!ng
at those pigtails of meaning
looking for an alley
a rock to climb under
asafe place
anything
to shield you from
the self-rape of analysis
by stay joviall
I
What are you?
this is not a poem;
this is a message
from you to you
.: the place
.; where you end
and I begin
never existed;
~ -- - I am you
,,~ ·'and I am not you
who are you?
by Chavez
1) The bong is over here. It reduces impurities by over 25%!!
2) Hey, kid, grabbing the end that's on fire may result in burns.
3) Mmmm, if [weren't your doctor and you "o/eren't my patient, I do believe I
would paint you pink and really use this stethoscope.
4) <hey, pssst, you grab it, and we can go smoke it in my office!>
5) Excuse me, 1' d like to ask you a few questions about the punctuation hovering
about your head.
6) You wanna try on my nurse outfit?
7) Scientific studies have shown that those who smoke marijuana turn into four- .
fingered, featureless cartoon people.
8) The dank, dirty purple is this way.
•
I
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9ef7f763012d58ea3f9556b4f9329f5c.pdf
5823ef9eab462f3befb5c10991123bb0
PDF Text
Text
V
olot11L
W;i~ing
flv ~~12.r
and \Vaning
i
"'
1
l1
'.
Nove1>-ber3 , I Cfq~~
by Jay 1VithErSpron
.'
The sign on lop of the door read "This passage marks change.
This passage was created in the image of God."
"Oh," I sighed, always ready for a change. Perhaps there was
something exciting on I.he other side of God's image. Ah, yes.
After l had walked through the doorway, the realization
was forced upon me by some crucial mixture of memory and
immediate sensation that everything I was thinking and
experiencing had somehow turned to the passive voice. The fright
was pushed across and throughout my frame like an early morning ·
piss shiver. The passivity was more than simply verbiage, though.
I had been a pawn all along. Epiphianic needles were poked
through my spine as these thoughts were beginning to take their
1 brutal form: 111e idea to walk through the doorway had been
implanted in my brain by some force other than MY SELF. No
doubt, the inclination had been waiting in my skull since birth. I
had been vomited into the world of no volition of my own. A
crying baby, a wrinkly crying brain pre-formatted to function right
out of the tube: shivering with the cold, a slap on the ass, big
people, white shiny clothes, blood, a mother with a warm breast.
Every subsequent thought and action of my life had been in
' response to the previous ones. Whichever way my life had started
had decided which way it would end. I had walked through the
do_
qnvav because I had had to. It had been ordained.
I
.
comfortably moist
~UNLESS! ! l ! ! ! I foreeJ myself W loolt 1mmrnl and caLn Jown. Yes,
tl1ere it was!!! Th.. ! FEELING!!! It was definjtely tlum,, I wa~ deciding what
. fo do!!! .Just fo fost my theory, I pulled my pocl<et-knife from my left pants
pocket and slashed my left fo1'f'arm. Yes, I was quite sum that J felt I l1ad clecided
fo do exactly tl1al.
1
But there I was again, bleeding, staring al tl1e Joor, wondering wl1ence
these inclinations came. The air was l10t. I was swealy. Electric impulses raceJ
frantic . My minJ saw my Me anJ future turn inlo formless melted wax. Melted
wax ... melted wax, melted melly wax wax, melty molten wax wax, waxy melted
swirling life wax melt. And tl1en tlie lifey wax swam around in my head a wl1ile.
Piml il look Ll1it1 sltnpc limn Llrnt, melting melty. Tl1c wax of my life sw;11n ,
l>caulifuJ, nnJ I lmgan lo elm pc tl1c wax myself. .l~iml, a lmll, tl1cn a Jmt, aml n
·.
liat, and t10111ctl1ing I lrnd never Reem, a11J 11 pair of lip~, a11d a Joorw11y, a11d ~0111e
swurly words, and wl1alever, and il candle, and. a ln1Ly, and a bleeding arm, and a
dream, anJ a wing, and a watcl1, anJ n1y mother, and a poem, and my own 11wealy
face, and. as Ll1e waxy image waned and I ernwlcd back lo Hulonomy Lhrougl1 tlie
l1allways in my head, it all 11eemcd a whole lot better. It lasted rigl1t.
•
'
I
!
from the nefarious mind of the ~m!~Qe'lt Qt])Qe'~lt~ Jfn~~'ID:Qe'lt ...
WHAT IF?
What if Jim Daughdrill did 69 whippits,
took off all his clothes, crawled up to you
and asked if he could borrow your car?
I
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v·
It was that time again•
Time for the bimonthly '
tree gathering.
The
Interforestry Tree
Convention wa s an
opportunity for the
great trees to come
together and e ngage in
r igorous debate over
crucial issues
pertinent to their
existence.
As you
might imagine there was
rarely any agreement
over t h e important
philosophical issues
but the great trees
persisted, preparing
their little sermons on
tree ethics, tree
afterlife or absence
of , tree gods, proper
modes of dis cou rse ,
etc.
The great trees
came from around t h e
country by whatever
mean s available to
them .
Thi s
parti c ular meeting got
unde r way with a
reading of the minutes
recapping the last
gather ing followed by a
h e ate d discussion on
tree morality.
The
Gambe l Oak in st igat e d
t h e d e bate by stating
his opinion on t h e
matter .
"Fe llow trees,
bush es, shrubs , and
vario u s other plants
(the convention was
generally open to any
type of plant life that
k
.
t
th
could ma e i t
o
e
meeting but the only
plant- be;ide- the trees
s
that would speak was
the cannabis Sativa)
the very fact that we
are all congregated
here demonstrates our
'\
unity.
I
wi l l not d eny ,,
' j'
1
1,
that we vary in species ~
but we ar.e united by
~l
our drive for
~
knowledge.
We are
rat ional trees, my
frien ds.
As rational
trees , we are moral
trees.
We must deny
ourselves the
s uperficial pleasures
of our trunks; to grow
and e xpand overrunning
other trees. "
The
charismatic Gia nt
Sequoia began s coffing
quite deliberately and
proceeded to state in
his usual r ich and
stunning tone, "SLAVE
MORALITY, I am a rath er
large tr e e and requ ire
much space in order to
grow to a satisfactory
s iz e .
T re e
rationality,
is simply a myth
created by thos e
s u ffici e nt ."
articulate Winged Elm
i mmediately jumped to
t h e Gambe l Oak' s
defense.
"My giant
friend, the noble
Gambel Oak is referring
to a higher order.
Certainly any large
tree may blindly dwell
in its natural impulses
and neglect any social
responsibility to other
trees, but we are
attempting an
intellectual venture.
!iAY!:
afterlife ."
The
skeptical Bristle cone
Pine
(this
species is
one of the oldest
varieties of trees on
the North Ame rican
Continent, this
particular one is well
over 4,000 yrs. old)
inserted his opinion
into the discussion.
"My good friends, the
Winged Elm and Gambel
Oak, in my youth I used
to look for ward to a
wonderful tree af terlife
but that was at least
three millennia ago .
I
witnessed your
ancestor's birth and
subseque nt death and I
am still alive.
In fact
I have given up hope of
ever dy ing .
I hav e no
good reason to believe I
ever will die.
Consequently, I have no
choice but to suck l i fe
for what i t ' s worth."
A
strange silence spread
r apidly throughout the
circle of tre es .
The
entire s u rrounding
atmosphere seemed
is obvious to us
intoxicated with thought
that we trees have been
a s the trees were
created by a higher
slightly rec lined in
power , what you might
their up r i gh t po s i t i o n s .
refer to as ' God.'
God
The gre at Elm a nd th e
has provided u s with a
gre at Oak d esperate ly
h ealthy challenge to
wanted to avoid slipping
affiliat e ourselves
into tota l tree
with that not so
relativism but with the
addition of the
side
Bris tlecon e Pine's
Th rough
statement, things s eeme d
to b e going in that
wil l
di rec tion. All o f a
a ple asant tree
sudden a bit of
frustration and
\~\
·''
•!, '1.
v
''k
~
�The Protect Allegiance
by Anonymous
around that. They took out a sword
and started pointing it at one of the
graves. The sword was fashioned
completely out of metal. There
was one solid piece that was carved
in With runes and shit. They were
Me: Tell me about the Protect
Allegiance.
Anon.: The Protect Allegiance is a
society of vampires and devil
worshipers. It's everywhere. They
knew that when I joined them, I
was destined for joining them. You
can find them about anywhere in
everyday society. I found them at
the graveyard... Or rather, I should
say that they found me. You can't
find them. If you are going to go
out looking for them, don't go out
unless you have the assistance of
gods behind you, because you ain't
gonna find them. They are some of
the most powerful magic users in
the world. Umm ... So I was in St.
Monica's graveyard, and one of
them came up to me. I was
sleeping on one of the graves. I
like spending time in graveyards.
Umm... And umm... Umm ... They
gave me one of their black robes
and everything, and they showed me
some of their ceremonies. They are
fascinating people. Their job was
to speak to the dead. A lot of the
things that I saw them do were
fascinatinii . They always terrified
me.
very welcoming. All they wanted
· me to do was join hands in the
circle and repeat after the leader.
Most of them were sixteen or
seventeen. A few were my age. A
few were younger. The oldest was
in his late twenties. The leader was
this very tall guy... Kind of
heavyset... Clean shaven face ...
Very pale. They were pointing the
sword at the... The leader... The
guy who was doing it. .. The sword
was probably... About that long
(Three feet.) He pointed it down to
the ground and lifted back up at the
sl")', and then drove it... Wham! Straight down into the grave. Like ·
right on to where the coffin would
have been . Slowly this thing that
looked kind of like a gas was
seeping up through the hole around
the sword. It took form above the
sword in the shape of a person. It
was a fucking ghost, and it was
standing right there. They spoke to
it in a language that I had no
fucking clue what it was. It did not
sound backwards at all. I was
paying attention for it. It did not
sound anything. Umm ... When
they were done, the ghost slipped
back into the ground. Just the
leader spoke to him. After that...
the leader... They all turned and
faced the leader and he told us that
such and such... Whatever the
dude's name was... Had requested
that something be brought to
· 1e: Did·they have human
sacrifices?
Anon: I saw someone get
sacrificed, actually. He was
screami!lg the whole time. This is
- .-::.;~,. the way it worked... They all
gathered around, like, that square,
OK? You know... That big square
in the center of St. Monica's
graveyard? Well... They gathered
hostility began floating
about.
The silence then
conv erted itself into an
extreme tension.
The
Giant Sequoia piped up
b reaking the silence
with some vicious words
directed at the great
Elm and great Oak.
"You flimsy trees
postulate t he existence
of morality whi ch
s upposedly governs us
because you are weak.
The both of you, one
stacked on top of the
other do not even equal
half my height.
You
simply are not good
competitors for
s unlight.
So you try
to convince those who
can get an abundance of
sunlight that it is
immoral.
And you,
Gambel Oak what about
tho se deciduous leaves.
You would think that
God would have endowed
you with leaves that
are able t o last a
l i t t l e longer t h an one
y e a r b efo re th e y
p er i s h."
The Winge d
Elm wa s th o rou ghly
o f fend e d by th e attac k
and d ec id e d to
·r e t a liate poking the
Gi a nt Sequ o ia with one
"If you
ot it s l i mbs .
want t o s t art
c ritici zes o th e r tr e e 's
n a tural e nd o wme nt ,
con s ide r your ow n
o v e rsiz e d self.
I bet
y o u wo ul.d have troubl e
g e tting o ut of y o ur o wn
way."
The Cannabi s
Sa t i v a int er j ect e d
qui t e p e acef ully by
-
-
him ... Like one of those rings or
something like that. He told me
that he was a member of the Protect
Allegiance. He told me that what
they were there for was to speak to
the dead and find out what went
wrong in their lives... What's not
letting them rest... And go correct
it. I decided to leave the group
because they requested me on the
first time that I was going to go
out on one of their little crusades...
I was supposed to kill a man.
Anon: On the fourth meeting. Six
knife-bearers with masks and black
robes all at once stabbed him in a
circle around the heart. I was
terrified. I didn't scream or
anything like that because I didn't
think it was real. Well ... it was. It
was at the Aquadome, actually. It's
a bad place to be.
Me: Did authorities find that?
Anon: No (Quickly.) Authorities
haven't touched them. How are
you going to find them? There's
probably a hundred dead bodies in
that place that no one can find.
They grind up the bones, usually,
and use them for spell-casting
purposes.
Me: Every time they would bring
up a ghost.
Anon: Not every time. The guy
-that we brought up the first time.
We went out and found his ring.
We came back and buried it in the
grave with him. After that, we just
left that one alone, because he said
he'd be OK after that. I went and
saw the aquadome with them one
time. That was really a cool thing.
Me: When did they want you to
kill somebody?
Anon: It was about three weeks
into it when they said, "We want
you to seek out a higher standing.
We want you to seek out a crusade.
It's a very simple mission. We
know entirely who this person is.
We have his entire schedule. All
you have to do is kill him using
this." And they pointed at like a
steak knife or something. Bizarre
thing.
Ic~use
Me: When did you see a human
sacrifice?
Meeting of Stone Giants
I
Oh boy, flowers. I love flowers.
~
Shut up, moe-ron
You're lrnrting my cars. My lovely orbular cars.
.....
Shut up, moe-ron
"'
Suckle from my gaping buttocks!
Shut up, Moe-ron
You just don't understand my sensitive side. I, I love.
Do you understand. r, I love. Love, Jove, love, love,love la, la
smoothly saying, "Man
this is not what
treedom is about.
W
e
trees s hould not
quarrel.
This is the
product of a limited
spectrum of
philosophical
discourse."
The
Cannabis Sativa
p roc eed e d to go on a
long unr e lated tang e nt
which i t was in the
habit of doing but was
ignored and t he
conflict persisted.
A
Shut up, moc-ron
The tape, get the tape. Someone call John Laroquette, and get
a laxative.
"
\
fi e r ce battle b r oke o u t
whic h r e s ulte d in a
sharp d e clin e in t h e
population of eccentri c
trees . Th e next 'l'ree
Convention was not for
a number of y e ar s .
/
e
~
. .... .
_
lo..
-
\
,. ,.
OJ
I
i
....,
I,
JI'!
j .fq4,,
iii,\,
~
~:._,
..
,
�Reason #183 to Carry Jumper
Cables
So, a buddy and I were sitting in the car, in
the line, at the Taco Bell on PopJar(which will
remain nameless). We go to Taco Bell only
because it is cheap and open late at night.
This time it was about 1 l:OOp.m. We were
shootin' the shit when the woman in the next
car jumped out and trotted over, and stuck her
head in the window. She said nothing but,
"My car's battery just died, and rm stoned."
THAT HAS TO SUCK. Even worse, if she didn't
have the munchies yet, they were about to set
in hard.
..
~~~,)
't
:~l'
,--.[iver
·
\
\
\
\
My buddy asked if she had cables. No cables.
She asked the car which was ordering behind
us, aJso containing two guys, who didn't have
any cables either. Understanding that we are
1 ~ a drive-through lane, this car was going
nowhere. We tried to roll start the car. The
woman running the drive-through leaned out
the window to watch four idiots pushing a car
towards Poplar at an alarming rate. In
hindsight, realizing how baked this woman
was, it is amazing that she didn't let the car ·.
go out into Poplar, but stopped it just short of
Poplar. The car was still dead.
The Rat: s_ Ass TM is a funkified and
. :
gro~vahc10us undulation of spermicid Ir '
lubricated gre
a Y
f
Y ma tt er t·rlat has been ribbed
1
bo~ p easure. Opinions and funkiness herein
e ong so~eJy to their respective authors ati.d
anyone with a gun who really agrees.
:
·
The woman paid for her food as we watched
the line grow and contemplated the dead car.
The end decision: roll that puppy out into
Poplar and get it in the first parking lot. Of
course, that means pushing a dead car the
wrong way on Poplar, with this stoned woman
at the wheel. We waited for the appropriate
opening, and ran this car into the street and
into the parking lot. The oh-so-helpful Taco '
Bell employees asked if we would be
returning to our cars. My buddy had already
bought the food, and we took off. All he said
on the way back to campus, "That was so
weird, I need a burrito."
DAVE WELLS
Ji
Staff Box
Xaft Minor: folli~le
Fredrica Car
J
Witherfunk~e~~r: jherri
Dave Wells: pubicpee
Neeto Beef U
M'k
rn: bald
Di : Long: bouffant
avid Sears: butt
...
Uue ~ to a r
t
department ;;.:er~ t ~andate or the laealth
serve 'any li~uid subs~ s no longer allowed to
the food debris off t1a:C:;a:!:~e i;: cannot get
mugs (albeit covered with Greek sym:::; !:~~
much .cleaner than our stuff Sine
::.~1i~~e. face In letting you b~ng 11i:s:~1;«>,:~
So I'm t!1~" thth,.e ~ath, we're outlawing all liquids.
' s rs ow Rhodes works.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/e444373d8f2f1f9f6c14b5ea81a36df1.pdf
bfda51882c32571f921abe3b25dd55ef
PDF Text
Text
Builder's
Song
Jay
I build things.
I'm a builder. My
hands are small and my face is slightly
tilted to one side, buL I have made objects
that are more beautiful than the scralch of
screaming itch.
I build.
I'm a builder. My mother
told me that my father left us because I was
too hard to care for as a baby.
I was a
sick, ugly baby.
But I built a shiny slar lhal wiggled
its way across the sky and whispered lo all
the animals and lold them why.
I was always picked lasl for kickball.
I have a club foot that smells bad most of
the time. Bul I built an inslrumenL Lhal
sings true songs and weeps Lears like senile
grandmothers .
. confused.
I build.
I have a speech
me spit when I Lalk.
when you look al me.
that goes through Lhe
minds.
impedimenl thaL makes
I look al lhe ground
But I buill a Lunnel
deep blue middle of our
My vision is poor and doctors Lell me I
won't live too much longer.
But I built a cry for all Lhe world,
who knows what iL hasn't known yel.
I can't swim and I'm afraid of beinq
alone.
But I built a way back from lhe place
we've been lost.
�~
.
r
.
GUARANTEED NOT TO ROB
=fee/I! in my 6/ooJ
Meta-perspectivlty:
.
.
Watching You Watching Me Watching You
by stay 1ov1all
. "A common metaphor is that people .
read one another, for intent, meaning , for their
feelings ... hence people are texts
"I read much and often. I have seen that
reading,
here are many ways to rea<l: speed for
t
d.
reading for comprehension , rea mg
memorization There is also read;ng for fun ,
liesurely reading , that is, and reading of
necessity (like tax forms). It strikes me that t
eo le should be read in all of these ways a
~ne~irne or another, and that most often we
s/Jould read for comprehension.
LIFE is LIFE is eating is LIFE is DEATH is Life. If you can
"I have tried to read texts in different
es Sometimes I am successful,
I
anguag ·
·1 ·ty f one
usually by virtue of the simt an o
Oft
to another that I know better.
en,
l~ngu~g7 am simply unable to read foreign texts.
~ t~yu~o ~espect unreadability'. however, and tby
my guiding principle of chanty I always try ~h
assume that they are saying something wo
~em~m?er the principles once spoken by a wise man. life
is. Life is ea~ing life. is De~th. Is it that bad? 1 really don't
think so. Smee this fact 1 established I will write a short
s
peom celebrating the existence of being.
it comes, it goes, but beautiful are its flowers
its rythym
its pattern
its inter-relatedness
its sensual, its pleasureable, its high
Come with me into the abyss and realize your dream
It's all within you and around you
read\ng.
.
"There are many texts which I would .l ike to
.n wanted to for sometime, but which
read, hav1 g
wherewithal than I can rnuster on
warrant far more
demand."
The smooth deep purple ~rcu~ial
.
that had I had been hearing.in my
voice
ed and r realized
head suddenly stopp ' .
.
t .t
that I had half been listening o 1
and half listening to ~ou. Thus, I had
not really heard anything:
You were still ~alking. I
inspected the little J\.llTl?S ?f your d
oke and it seeme
eyebrows as youf0i1owlng some internal
like they wer~ od if all of everyone
~ythym. ~ ~nb~r:ome transcendental
is organiz ousand thousand varied .
pulse, a tdhb ts all co-calibrated into
tempos an ea .
d tuned
a unity of flowing ?o.
I lighted a cigarrette an .
'
talking about reading h
·
·
h'
in. You .were
little text, in w ic
this article, abl bbing about reading
the author was
a .
le like
this text about reading peop
C>
New Shape
life is like the wind
Thank you for your time,
God incarnate
texts, and understanding what they were
saying. Reading for canprehension.
I exhaled a large drag and
interrupted: "The thing about solipsism
is that it's lonely . "
You responded: ''Yeah. That's why
I think the Buddhist idea of
eliminating the ego is so groovy."
"But do you really think, ... I
mean, well, how cool could that be, to
totally lose your ego? How happening
could not-being really be?"
You slung your backpack over your
shoulder, and looking back as you
walked off said "I don't know, but
t he re's more t o being a human being
than just being an ego . "
STA PH BOX
jay witherfunk- joomblaw!
r'bekka anderson - booph!
xaft minor - ITRRAA WLL! ! ! !
stay jovial! - chhk-uuuooowuhgawah?!
you - yikes!!
·
chavy Block -god incarnalc (ZAP!)
.In l~c beginning l~e.re was The Rat's AssTM,
and 1l had X-ray vizwne. When lh
. .
'"'ame, The Ral ' s AssTM shipped animals
e rams
loo-by.- l~>, and lhal's why you are here
~J o~rn1~ns, o~l.looks, JYeltanschauun;en,
- l<.~ds expn~ssed herem are strictly those
~ the1r respechve authors, and are infallible
Bo not be confus.ed, or try lo consume, just.
REATHE. A void eye contact; in case of
emergency consult a doctor immediately.
I
c::i)
E
~
--• <:l)
�Bu.J"ing a Ne~
..
by stay joviall
-wa tc h
..
""·r·1mex ...
.
alarm .. .
indiglo .. .
What time is it? ...
eh - dig that one
Wi sh! could find mv watch ...
I'm probably !ate ... ·
b~t it's relative, anyway, eh?
T!mex ... hmmmm ....
Watching the time ..
indig!o?
What is time?
need an alarm on it...
time is just an invention
tO keep evervthino from ·h:mpPnino
•
J
o
... ·-r -·····
0
al! at once?
what time is it?
Moore: Time is having breakfast
before !unch.
relativity ... ""
Metaphysically snowb!ind
try!no " ' 0 - ...... .. ___ _ ... _.,
0 Ip opt tlw timP
:! !:trge jocular black woman
bun1 ps me
l'e:•!!!S like ::i •rn11flm,\1P r
!e;n!" in anci. ~,-,\·;~;)-;,~<:• -- r:- - • ~
.
" Hi:·~
"'
honev " ont th' timp')"
J
--· - · · · ·- o ~·
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, March 29, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 22
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from March 29, 1996. On the front page of this issue of the Rat's Ass has the words "Doesn't destroy" which is then followed by Jhay Winterspoons "Builder's Song." Stay Joviall is watching you watch him watch you. Stay Joviall has another article on the last page about buying a new watch.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Xaft Minor, Chavy Block, R'bekka Anderson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cee89262d18ae5ec5bf18f10d9c457d8.pdf
5b89d9ce40249f8dfb9569d6fbffbaaf
PDF Text
Text
-
---- - -
---- - -
"armng: TtlIS PUl:lLICATIUN IS 1-'RINTEIJ
V1'H-'Af'bR Ull'l-'l:\U IN A S 'i NI Hl:\HC-U7\:sJ:OU
PROTEIN A.NALOG THAT WHEN EXPC1SfiD TO
SKIN CAUSES SIMULTANEOUS COMBUSTION
!JI; ALL l'IJCKlff UN 1 AND l\IUSI:'. llAIR
'
WITHIN A FJVE MILE RADH'S
~
A Memo
VOLUME V
ISSUE 2
08 NOVEMBER l 996
To: Rat's Asi.® Readers
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
>HOW ID BE POPULAR!
>WHAT ANDROIDS REALLYTI-llNK!
>WINTER HYBRID RECIPES!
>GAMES FOR TI-IE KIDS!
>TI-IE MEANING OF MEANING!
AND SO MUCH MORE!!!
From: Jay Witherfunk
Re: Real World Penetration
Welp, it seems I'm a senior. And it seems that I'm about to
have to enter the "real world." I get letters in my mailbox every day
about grad school, potential careers, and flyers for seminars on how to
get the right message across while being interviewed (these seminars,
by the way, say things like, 'make sure you don't blow ass during your
interview, or at least no stinky ones') by future bosses, pimps, etc.
Frankly, it makes me sick.
"But Jay," you say, "however in the world can you make a
living without knowing things like the in's and out's of a business
office?" Arid my response is, "Why don't you fax me a blowjob?" Let
this memo be my official declaration of the fact that capitalism,
industry, McDonald's®, little damn symbols like® and™, and every
other effect of the agricultural revolution can kiss my enlightened ass.
I'd rather just LIVE than have to "MAKE a living." Maybe
I'm {.ynical and maybe I'm pessimistic about the way humans have
turned out, but there has to be something wrong with a world where
most people have to drink/ smoke/ poke themselves into a stupor just to
escape the fact that we live on an existential assembly belt with
David Hasselhoff and Mtv handing us our slop plates at the end of
the day (I'm surprised I'm not stinky-ripped at this moment).
"But Jay," you say, "I'm not like that, and you're not like that.
Why not see the good in society and praise its accomplishments?" And
my response is, "Yeah, you're right. We can hurl ourselves at insane
rates from one place to the next in search of the perfect all-beef patty.
We can blow shit up. We can get any kind of pornography we desire
off the Internet!! Hell, I'm surprised I'm not looking at a picture of
three nude women and a great dane right now!!!"
No really, there is lots of good stuff that we can do, but the
problem is that most people can see so much of the good, the fun, and
the diverting that they have trouble seeing how shallow most of our
lives have become. Su please just know that on the lip of your descent
into the quagmire, things are nut as they should be. Although it feels
good tu make lots of money and live like the gods, we still fart and die
like the animals we eat, so don't be fouled by the grandeur. There's
more to be had.
�Daily Meditations of a lost and delusional soul
(To be read in monotone thought patterns?)
By Scatty Dreadlock
It's a fine pistol: Sam had this
Cybergencticisl friend of his at Berkley
build it for him ... it's solar powered a~d
has a four inch barrel. You shoot
somebody with it and their limbic svstem
freaks out. resonates gnarly-groovcfrequencies through every cell in their
body. The person shot usually erupts into
an explosion of hepdancc gitdown, finds
their whole subsequent existence
dominated by rhythm, and has a ti"\ed
Passenger or Pilot
by stay jovlall
We are sitting on the roof of
Mitchell's cottage, smveying the surf as it
rolls in and does its thing, over and over
again. I am absorbed in the setting sun,
half-listening to Sam's nutty nihilistic
epistemolog1cal preoccupations. He is
cleaning his Phunkgun as he rambles.
I yawn, studying Lhe clouds. Sam
leans in close, hright teeth behind full
plum-colored lips whisper "Don't you get
it, man? Everything, all that is, is
arbitrarily so. In.finite arc the possiblities
of what could be, but we never really act
on the fact: all the movements which
transpire through us are in our
consciousness as what is. Because we are
locked in our given (not chosen)
interpretive framework, we can't fathom
what those other possibilities are ... because
the ,.-ery materials of which those
possibilites are comprised lie beyond us."
I yawn. "That's defeatist and
unnecessarily cynical. And who cares,
~myway? We aU stilt have to have jobs
and pay taxes and bills." My dismissive
half-rcponse doesn't deter Sam, who is
now running a co-calibrating reciprocity
rod in and out of the barrel of the
Phunk un.
odor of super-dank herb continuallv
waiting from their eyeballs.
Sam pulls the rod oul of the balTel
and twirls it in his fingers. "Why does
everyone seem to believe they are free,
acting on the basis of rational dcliheration,
choosing their course in life?" His tone is
ponderous, full of genuine wonder. ··1
mean, where do people get this idea that
because \-Ve have consciousness and
culture, that because we're the smartest
animals on the block, we arc ontologically
unique and distinct from all the other
organi~ms on this planet. Humans are
animals, for chrissake ... what is the basis
for the ubiquitous misconception that
while other animals' actions are
determined and logrithtnically predictable,
we ourselves are free, uncontrolled by
genetic disposition and environmental
conditioning?"
"Probably our need for selfrespect, our inescapable anthropomorphic
drive. It's also tangled up in centuries of
moral rhetoric which has to presuppose
human freedom. I don't know Sam...
people are frightened of the idea that they
may just be machines, that their
consciousness is .a passenger and not a
pilot, that their sense of self is some kind
of illusmy construct tacked onto these big
convoluted chunks of grey matter as a
helpful afterthought."
Sam shrugs. "Aw, hell ... does it
matter? Let's go swim.ming."
i am a creature
i am a happy creature
i beat myself over the noggin because· i
find it pleasure inducing
the instrument i use to beat myself with
is a blender
when the blender is plugged in it goes
t
"w hrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
i like my blender
my head often becomes soar
sometimes it even bleeds
mother cries when it bleeds
i tell her: "don't worry mother"
i think: "shut the fuck up bitch"
i want to beat my mother over the
noggin with my blender
that way she would understand
when my head hurts i eat pills
pills make me feel good
i like feeling good
4
six months later
my mother died
she died of serious head wounds
before she croaked, i fed her some pills
because her head hurt
she died smiling
Ross G.--Memphis Mook
Chavez--Silver Haze
Kieenith Spanky--Jack Herer
~ay Wit~erfunckengrooven---G-13- Government Issue
. . tay JoviaJ--Alaskan Thunderfuck
Suzy--Shiva Skunk
Matty Scatty Dreadlock.--Purple Kush
Matt Gore--Schwiggity Schwagg
�You Make Me Sntoke
by ross gohlke
Don;t take this personally
but your life looks exactly
like a color-by-numbers
nightmare
with crayons outside the lines
and you don't understand why
I chose drugs over Jesus
because you're already dead.
Life smells like motor oil.
You act like you've forgotten
how to smell
the dirty things in your midst.
Somehow you've learned to
look through the unpleasantries
sautered to homesteading and
Jove.
I cherish chicken fried steak
more than my salvation
and every day of my life
wears its own crown now.
For all their ignorance
druggies have acute values
r
descending from the Christ of the
Cross
after he ascended from the
bowels of democracy.
You should be drooling with
envy
because the Labor of History is
serious
and morals are not.
The difference between us boils
down to this:
1 don't expect to convince you.
The Art of Letting Go does not
interfere
with the Art of Belief.
You're hung on the Concept of
• Principle
d bv the odd· of
and overwheb:ne '
addiction.
you look clean m is full of junk·
but your bedroo
I believe
{
every }ustiftcation o
righteousnes; a scheme of
is an excuse or
prosperity
without weal~Alcoholic Myth is
The Protestan
alive
b" doing drugs
and undone ' .
among other things.
the hard stuff when I'm
I smok e
sore
from losing.
mark.
It hurts to make a
Crack Will Have Your Nose
By Kleenith Spanky
~
ra
"Whazuup Will?"
"Nothin' much fellas, just passed by to do some
chill in'."
"Yea, its good to see ya man. Who is your friend
here?"
"Oh, hey guys this is Jim. I thought I would bring
him over to hang out for a while."
Will is an interesting character and everyone is
at least tolerant of him. The only drawback to
having him around is his obnoxious tendency to
bring over these chump friends of his who
couldn't distinguish jinky crust rim from low
grade shi t if their life depended on it. Will
knew why we would gather together in the
evenings but it didn't stop him from bringing his
loser friends around.
"A-ite, you fellas ready to set aside the bullshit
and get down to business?"
Chabloober (this is just what everyone liked to
call him) immediately piped up, "I'm all about
sniffin some good rim." This was the moment
Charlie was eagerly awaiting.
"Hey Chabloober, I got some shit back here that
will tum your nibbles green."
Charlie then said with pride, "I haven' t wiped
in two weeks and have s tuck to a strict diet of
roughage and espresso the whole time."
"Let us.get to it my friend." said Chabloober with
anticipation.
a....., .... - ... ,
'
-
'~ n
' ,,
,
-..-
-
-
-
agreed lo try it.
.
. . .
''Thal a boy. Once you get a whiff of ll~1s shit
~6-~ you'll never turn back." claimed Charlie rather
proudly.
. , .
..,,_,.,._v~ Jim bashfully placed his nose near Charlie s nm
and began to take a small whiff. All of a sudden
Charlie' s cheeks surrounded Jim's nose and wilh
one swift movement snapped it right of his face.
Blood poured from Jim's face as he screamed and
1 tried to pull his nose off of Charlie's crusty rim.
'\
~~- ~~
-~Fi
--"" '------
~i mt ,. ,., ,.,. . ~
"""'J 'rlql;:.k••1.,1 .~
"l!J. ---~... 6rll\
/, ,:-\
i iie Kat s Ass\!Y 1s somethrng 1r1exphcable and
ir1sta1itar1eous. Aberrations from the r1onnahve system ol
thought are the soui responsibility ol each article 's
respective author/progenitor/master/lovertbarber. if you
have a problem or a beef or a metaphysical query in regard
to an article, please eat enough beans to project yourself
into outer space and then contact the said author/etc.
Have a ocldamn bitchin da .
Charlie proceeded lo drop his pants, bend over
and spread his cheeks. Chabloober lodged his
It nose in the proper area and took such a big whiff
I. that he burst a blood vessel in his forehead. He
then sat back content as he could be.
"Man, l forgot what I had been missing. Its been a
while since I've hit some rim like that." Since
@., most of us have a job or go lo school its hard to get
the real potent buildup. The smell usually gives
one away.
1
"Hey Jim, come over and try this shit. You are in
luck, we haven't had anything like this around
' in a while."
Jim responded rather timidly, "You aren't serious
are you?"
~ The tone in lhe room immediately changed as
"-., everyone began harassing Jim for his inability lo
hang with the group.
"What's the matter Jim? You afraid?"
"No man, I just don't feel the need to."
Everyone continuously harassed Jim until he
'/,_,
{
I
-s
;;&~ \:~'~,,_,~ji?&W
dJiflR.•••-~-----"------.J
8.-;-;::-;:-£ • ••• ;:-••
�vicious cycle
by
not quite you
hollow and pure
murky so clear
tremors awaken
dead no sleep
mudslide
eyes quiver
masks & prisms
nonchalant so surreal
razor smoothness
leaves airborne
corpses no feathers
nucleus
frozen blanket
birds need
no downy softness
noise black smoke
warmth aborted
hollow womb
Gross Misinterpretation of existentialism
b~
lt'tAVEr=__
Today belongs to only you. Tomorrow never exists. Yesterday is but a dream. Why
does Reality seems to lose a grip on itself? What is there to hold on to? What
should we believe to be real? These are but musings in the greater realm of seeing.
Shall we all remain in light, or succumb to the nasty misfortunes of being unto
death. There is no reason for pessimism in a world which allows for orgasm, extacy,
and pure consciousness. Go forward without looking back on that which cannot be
changed. Continue with that which benfits all mankind. Remove superficiality
and restraints in order to pruify one's Being. Don't let the choas cause pain-overcome, surpass, and believe in that which you value most. Rely on your wits,
Puff the Dank, control your mind.
Exitentialism can be liberating once you realize your pface in the cosmic
order--don't become bitter. Become Free.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 8, 1996. The front page of The Rat's Ass Issue features a memo by Jhay Witherspoon which talks about how he's a senior now about to enter the real world. Stay Joviall asks the question "are we the pilot or the passenger in our lives?" Scatty Dreadlock goes for a meditation. Ross Gohlke tells us the truth of why he is no longer a religious man. Kleenith Spanky tells the story "Crack Will Have Your Nose." On the last page Chavez tells us how today is the only thing that exists while the future never exists and yesterday is but a dream.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Scatty Dreadlock, Ross Gohlke, Spanky Kleenith, Chavez, Matt Gore
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5c23910e807e96a0b1ffa19591ae722a.pdf
55713ff01d9de05433560a25df2e4567
PDF Text
Text
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((LAVAL IS LOYAL TO LAVAL
I Still . Have A Dream
by Jay Witherfunk
I had a dream that Rhodes was cool.
Everyone had on a lye-die and the chiba ran rampant.
No, no that Wasn't it. Oh yeah, I remember. There were
a tribe of Rhodents who worshipped the squirrels. I asked one of
the professors of faith to show me why she believed. She took me
to the base of a tree, where, surely enough, a squirrel approached.
She nudged me and whispered, "Now you'll see!!!" The squirrel
looked around tensely for a few seconds then bolted up the tree in
a spiral. The squirrel-worshipper stared at me with pupils wide
and screamed, "DID YOU SEE THAT!?!? THAT IS WHY!!!!"
"Yeah, squirrels rock," I said. Oh shit. I'm sorry. Wrong
dream again. Too weird for Rhodes.
Really, the dream was this: I knocked down lhe door to
President Daughdrill's door with the smallest thrust of my
hulking shoulder and immediately proceeded to the back of the
room, where lay the magic safe to which I held the only key (won
through bloody battle with a maligned redneck demon). I opened
the door of the safe with slow, surreptitious, and scrupulously
mliloqous serendipity And light poured onto my face as I looked
ipon THE INSTRUMENT. IT WAS ... THE REMOTE CONTROL
10 THE BRAINS OF ALL RHODES STUDENTS (except for the
ucky few who have somehow managed to remove the deadly
mplant which is shoved al birth into the skull of all infants by
'he Man*)!!!!! When I picked the control up, lhe knob was turned
> the setting labeled the "Ralph Lauren/ Victorian Age/ sticks1-their-asses/ spoon-fed/'oh my god, look at her butt'/'[
lmrnpoo every day, don't you?' /'tell-me-how-lo-dance, I'm not
iat creative' /Tm okay cuz I'm rich, I'm white and· I'm
te' /please don't change this setting" setting.
This all seemed rather drab, so 1 ch~nged lhe knob lo lhe
. trng "chill daddy-o's" and the thing shocked my hands so ~ad
I dropped it and leaped out the
to
own
0 r wa1, no, I thin:k my dream was somelhmg different. ll s so
·t
· I
hard to remember your dreams some limes, you know·
J was in the jungle. It was dark. All I coul~ he.~r. w_~s l _
w
sound of my feet on lhe forest floor. The surroundmg silence was
b
ble The sounds of my footsteps were so loud lhal J could
un eara tl ·
l d d ·1 t l gt:•l
.
even see 1em· I tried lo imagine a black-lool 1e evt ·, ou · o d
me and I thought I heard him~ but maybe not. I .'.~a~me a
babbling brook thal slurped qmetly lo mark lhe pa~sa8.c of my
thoughts, but it soon returned. lo the silence. And I m JUsl now
seeing that my dreams are so stlly and unreal.
I don't km.i~v. But maybe you do.
I thought I dreamed that Rhodes was cool.
But it's really just a wet spot on my bed lhal I'll have lo
wash off later.
:~at'
windo~ ~y
de~is~··
* 'The Man' is anyone who knows where lo look when lhey see a
word with an asterisk.
>
"Stick to .
your etch1
M TI" ':.:
r. .
�Why You Can't Buy
a Rubber on Campus
ECONOMICS
-by stay joviall
by dauid sears
I think it's a function of angularity, ya
know, in the sense of two things coming together
with a certain fixed relation between them.
Definitely there arc overtones of inundatory inanity
involved, in an essentially egregious mode of
comportment towards itself and us as a community
of people acting like students.
And Rhodes is a churchy place... religious
hangups hang out like Damoclean bad breath. Not
that I have a problem with D~mocles' breath, or
religion, or hanging things -- it's just that two
lines or this situationality don't seem to be at a
right angle when you think of that nasty little virus
running around out there. Yes, the administration's
lack of rational responsibility forces the
responsibility on our heads as students, but I
suspect some lessons should not be so potentially
costly.
\
If I oNly HaD a GuNnnN.
by MlchAel AIAn LonG I
It'S LatE AnD DaNZig Is oN ...
IF I onLy Had A gUN.
TheN I'D Be DUNne.
ShE WouLD NoTICe mE.
And My fOOd WoUld Be hOT.
LifE WouLD BE mORe PG-13
I CoulD TeLL MY StoRIES And
ShOW My TatTOOs.
WiTh A BeeR And A gUN.
No mORe StAined GlaSS.
No MorE TiGHt JeANs.
"HeY maN, WhAT's UP?"
BOOM!
"WHAtaREYa'Ll uPtotONiGHt?"
BOOM!
"IS ThiS GoNNa be On tHe TeSt?"
BOOM!
"COulD yOu ThrOw me a zlmA?"
BOOM!
AIL ThEse TaTterED BaSEbaLL CaPS
AnD KaKKi ShORTs
AnDTevaS
AnD BoOMin' baSS
AnD IED zEPPlin Cds.
TheRE WouLD jUST bE PeaCe.
AndaLoT
oF DeAD PeoPLe.
I DONT Bf OLD FASHIONED, MOM!
PRO·PHY-LAC-TIC PROLON· rs
. BETTER THAN PIG- BRISTLES !
1
"Ugh, how clicl I
i get here?" Jack thought lo
himsc1f as he opcne<l one
• eye, only to be confronted
by an intense ray of light
penetrating through his
skull. He could only recall
i going to the l~rench
Ouarler the night before to
hc-ive a few d1·inks or
something. Hnt now he
found l1irnsclf slTetcl1e<.l
l out by the rive1· in an
j uuimaginaMe conclltion.
I His hair was knollecl up
' around a huge wad of gum
which was stuck to the
grouncl. His hocl y hacl
macle a bed for itself in a
! pool of vomit complete
! with a few barely <ligest. <~J
i hot dog wieners. He also
became aware of a moist
feeling in l1is right ear.
He yan.kecl the clump of
hair ancl gum from the
grouncl so as lo turn l1is
hea<l ove1·. A yellow liquid
slowly seepecl from his ear,
bearing a stril~ing
rese1nblance to urine.
"What have I done to
myself?" lie thought. He
glMwecl around at his
surroundings ancl
i 1111 nc<liatcly l1<.~<.~a111c
fixated on the waler. To
his~ .&..; '.!1_;~,~~.
amazement he noticed
:.:~r
:I
:"
two cm ns dancing
eleganlly over tl1e river
together. "Okay iL makes
sense now, l'n1 clreatni11g.
AL least when I walw up I
won't have to contend wilh
hot clog infestecl vomit
clripping from my nose"
All of a suclclen a sharp
beam of light attacked l1is
retina from Lhe right. He
turned and saw the mosl
heautifnl human figure lw
lrnd ever <lirectecl his
vision towards. The
figure was a huge black
man possibly seven feel tall
with long wiry dreads aml
an enonnous black ancl
grey beard. The si.gl1 l was
so pleasing that Jack
forgot all about the
graceful emus. After a f cw
moments of silence Jack
askecl the beautiful man,
"\Xll10 are you, what is
?"
your nanie.
"I have no name, I only
l1ave a job."
"What is your job, sir?"
"First let me ask you a
question, wl1at clo you
think of money"
"I don't know, I just use it
when I want something."
"Money is undeserved
power, my brother."
"Ol~ay, so tell me what
your job is?"
"Different people refer to it
l1y <liffcrcnl names"
"\Vhat <lo you call i l?
The magnificent figure
~~1~f~~l$.t,',~ \' . .
....
'.· · , ':· - <. ~
~:- ·<\i;':·r·~fi!K~
J .
replied, ;'Redistrilrntion"
aml tlwn vanisl1cJ.
Jack was ovcrwl1clme<I wid1
wlrnt l1a<J taken place since
he lia<l hecorne conscious.
I Je sloml up aml
aUemptecl lo orient
l1imsclf. I le sat on tlic
heuch hehiml l1im lo
cont:en1plat:e tllC recent
course of even t.s lie lrncl
experienced. He reachecl
in his back pocket ancl
pullecl l1is wallet out. All
of his money and crcclit
cards hacl hcen replacecl by
a. JiLtle canl rea cling "G ocl
�'The R_,,t'" A•s'" is neocnrlrnncul<lr
n '[unkul,.r tintiu,.bulc.rity produced
•·
d
on "' ha•is by people with other specrEio c.n
i·andom factors involved. It just sort of
Irnppens. '['here c.re no i-es{riciion• on wl1,.t
·
. l
=~K
published, so if you lMve ~ p".°blem w1t.1
nrticle pleAse t .. ke it up w1tl1 its re~pech~
'l
And you know tl1osc little pomty tlungs
gc{•
4n
4Ut lOI'·
tlu•t get stuck in tl1e inner pAssAge of the
part?
'We do
th .. t.
n
ow
!ll!f? ll"(l!l _ _ _ _ __...c-
STAPHBOXX
EricBlock--Rumblepuppy
mar1infox--MumbleGUppY
DAVesears--stumble!luffy
miKelong--junglestuffy
DaveWells--bunglescruffy
Stayjoviall--munglEFurry
}heyWitherspoon--tu~gleblurry ;.A~......
AlanBouRDEReaux--a1nnoworry
'
I
I
I
i
I am nobody,
I shall be nothing
I come from nowhere
I am going no place
I have no reason for being here
My entrance was painful
I cried -- Others rejoiced
l'vly exit shall be miserable
Others will cry -- I will rejoie
Stretching between this beginning and end
Is a succession of sensation-None important
There was on]y one important event in my life
That was an affair I attended
Where illusion furnished the music
Folly was my dancing partner
And despair my escort home.
i
i
•
,,
'
,/
-A.SIJ<
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 15
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 12, 1996. Jhay Witherspoon has a dream that Rhodes will become cool one day. Stay Joviall brings up the problem of buying a "Rubber on Campus." David Sears however talks about economics. On the last page Eric Block gives a sad story of becoming nothing.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, David Sears, Martin Fox, Eric Block, Mike Long, Dave Wells, Alan Reaux
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d41de7917e1cd6d525e487fba858c6a0.pdf
024707b13b9fe9daf73b8cdf49779121
PDF Text
Text
s
ASS STRENGTH
There's No Going to
Town in Bathtub, or,
How to Endlessly
Enjoy the Fracture of
Narrative.
b~ 1'\1'rtin
'FcJ(
~
Tomorrow's leaders
Edward Gorey's
phantasmagoria
consists of parodies of
Victorian children's
literature, adopting a
darker version of
Lewis Carroll's antididactic strategies.
His The Raging Tide:
or, the Black Doll's_
Imbroglio uses the
form of Choose-YourOwn-Adven ture children's novels in
which -the reader is
pn:~sented with a
degree of control in
linking passages
together through
directed pageturning.
1 one sciens
tific answer to that idiotic Freudian
mumbo jumbo .
are busy tonight
The form of
the text, then, is
potentially different
with every reading.
Each page consists of
a sentence _
ac-companied by two choices_
_and page-ilirectives
a._11d a drawing
illustrating the
action. Thus, if you
find Hooglyboo's
cramming Eighash
inside a vase elev€!",
you are instructed to
turn to 11,
continuing the
narrative. If, on the
other hand, all this
seems too terrible to
contemplite, you
turn to page 29,
send.ing_everyone
joyously to an early
grave and ending the
story. In some
readings, two to four
T·N·T
,,_ p 0 PC 0 RN
of the protagonists
will assault one
another with
domestic objects until
the end, with possible
excursions to the
Dogear Wryde
Topiary Gardens or to
illuminatory passages
on turnips and
prunes.
The control, in
the forms that Gorey
satirizes~ however, is
somewhat illusory,
an4.as_ is traditional
in children's literature, is designed to
impose codes of
''common'' sense._ and
morality ,-as death of
the reader (the ending of the narrative)
can result from
choices deemed
"wrong'~ by the
author. Gorey
subverts this by foregrounding the
manipulativness of
the genr.e and
pointing towards the
implicit codes-of
morality in the
choices offered. One
act of attempted
senseless violell€e
leads to another, with
little s€Ilse of order
other than_that
Linposed by the
reader's choices. The
implication, then, is
that such · systems are
arbitrary and
therefore without
--~ ,....,
.-
....... :
·-
,....
THE ENEMY
NOW
IF EUROPE AND ASIA1·
.
WERE LOST
-,
.
TOTAL POPULATION is ~O\\'. r.oushly h~·o to one in our fav or.
'°i
.
�·~
,.
.
~
...............
..
. ,,,,.,..-~ ,,,... /I
,
·" j
• / ,-/
/.,,..,
·
·· ·
· h Ross Gohlk_ ":
e
An Interview ~ft
./7 .., -·-r , ~ ..
-.-,,
.
-.
/7
.
~~
•
...,·.:;·~·
l<
Well, another school year
is underway, and you're a
senior, right?
R: Right.
r: I should mention that I'm
not conducting this
) interview because I
•. ·?:; personally find you very
D:a..: interesting, but you are a , ,.
-~ pretty visible person on .
1.,,. campus this year, not
-;' necessarily visuallyR: I live off campus, but I hav
a meal ticket.
r: What I mean is that
because of some of the
things you're involved in
this year at Rhodes our
readers might like to know
a bit more about you.
R: You have readers? ·
r: I know you are a
sometimes contributor to
the Rat's Ass. What are
some of your worthwhile · · -~ :i.
extracurricular activities? -~ '¥
R.: Actually I'm about the only _-:-'
· J.
good thing the Rat's Ass
·~!l\'
,:::has going for it this year,
.
..
but don't print that. I'm
,/
also an officer in the Wool '
Socks, Rhodes' only
/ _!!:::'~ ' ·
d
double barbershop quartet. r _ .
')
Maybe not for long. There ~
is a group of about 20 or
so young women forming
a group called the Silk
Stockings.
Obviously derivative and
doomed to failure with a
name like that.
What's wrong with being
derivative? Do you think
thatyour group is original? _ _ __,
Don't get me started on
the epistemelogical
problem of mimesis. I'm in
Contemporary Continental .
- - - ··
·- -·
IVER
.
~~
-·"'.'
1 ~~~~~o~;~:iEngiisli
concurrently.
Then you don't use big .
words that you don't
know the meaning of
yourself.
R: How do you know I
don't know?
Have you noticed how
often the word "you"
has come up in this
interview so far?
You started it.
Isn't this interview just
a weak excuse to force
your megalomaniac
over-self-important ~elf
onto the freshmen and
other unsuspecting
members of the Rhodes
community?
Actually, I was.going to
ask you the same
question. Incidentally
the Wool Socks are '
l~oking for gig_ _ any
s of
kmd. So while we're on
the subject, if anyone in.
your imaginary
.
audience has a' need for W"i -.
an over-talented, underworked double "
barbershop quartet,
they can send DECMail
to GOHSR. , ,;
The Rat's Ass does not
participate in· such
blatant displays of selfpro~~tion ~q free 2;:3· ::..gfift:ibtftV~
publicity.
COSMO TRON .. . 0
Your idealism would be .
~--~
admirable except that I r-~.
happen to know that
J;,r
you don't have anything ~. 7'
else to print this week. :':.i '
How do you know that? '.!"'
t :·
'
-
C~OS~l':IG i~ one ta~t~cal military_situation ~nto whi~h_an
·g;.• •k·
-.m~~~r ~-.;.
....
~r
~ACID
YOUNG ~~~~hi~~PERSONf~ ELECTRODE
Christina Huntington
0~~#
1)~.,..u.
Last Saturday morning, a strange thing
riappened. At about 1 I :20 that
morning, m toes slithered from under
v
.....-=,...... the covers to make their f1 rst contact
~-111 of the day with the little piece of
carpet by m bed. I was immediately
y
alarmed bv the sharp crunch I felt.
which brought to mind tt1e
haH-squished roach I had seen on tne
bathroom tile the night before. When I
drew m foot back , however. I didn't
v
ifind a six- legged v1sitor , but a small
\greenish fragment of something,
mavbe a shell. I kicked it out of the
way, figuring it was easier to let it.
bioCJegrade in some corner than to
actually pick it up When I walked
over to my sink , I pinched my fool
again , and this time bothered to study
what this annaying little thing was. It
turned out to be a piece of acorn. Later
I found another fragment lodaed in the
inch-thick sole of mv shoe like the last
kid hiding in a game of hide and seek. 1
Just left it there.
Three years ago, during my first
semester at Rhodes, I spent about 45
minutes of one wonderfully chilly dav
sitting outside with too little clothing
on. I was waitng for a friend with
whom I have long since lost contact.
but at the time we were close and he
was rn town. We had set a time for him
lto pick me up, but he was chronically
late, and even though I knew this. I
kept expecting him to drive up the next
minute. so I stood outside Bellinorath
in mv skirt and t-shirt inst~ of
running inside for a jacket. It would
only be a few more minutes, I kept
telling myself as my fingernails grew
steadily bluer. If I went back to m
y
room for even a minute, my friend
might drive up and, not seeing me
there, think he was in the wrong place
and leave. Besides, it was startino to
feel good out there. Something about.
that kind of cold can clear the mind,
m
ake you especially aware of
·38nsations, make you realize that you
are, in fact , alive. The air had that
fresh smell you notice in the fall , but
of radioact_ve onlv when vou first wal ~ outsidP """rl
i
would be dropped intcf the river, throwing out rolling mists
enemy cou_d spray which would destroY'·irtually all life within the mile circle sh own above.
l
!\o wonder th e;;e weddings are
more of a fa rce t han a reality and
n ever last.
Your picture of Janet Leigh and
Jerry Lewis is the mo;;t horrible, vulgar picture I h ave eYer seen in any
111agazine.
Least Favorite Pupil
rr s,..,,...,,ll)
it m
ade the shadows sharoer and
deeper. I think the thrnQ I noticed m
ost
that dav was that each time the wind
blew , it wouM ram dull orown acorns
They crackled against the pavement,
pricking m ears with their sound and
y
sometimes knocking agamst my head on
the wav down. It was as if it were
sleetina. I told m friend about it
v
when h-e finally got there. and he said
that the sairrels had probably been
throwing acorns at me. I thought he
was a little paranoid.
That little acorn fragm in my shoe
ent
told me som
ething. A week I've been
ll
noticing that they've started falling
aoain. I went home toc:tav , and when I
walked up m driveway' they were
y
crunching underfoot. The birds aren't
smging at night anymore. Pretty soon
the beetles will be crawling in to die.
Last vear , the Voorhies stairwell was
littered with little half-alive beetles.
They would crawl around for a little
while then just give up and sit there,
even if you poked at them. I eventually
gave up trying to make them keep
moving. It was fall, their time to die
So, what is my point in talking about
all of this? I guess it has som
ething to
do with the idea that som
etimes, small
things speak with more authourity
than one would expect. E though the
ven
heat is still beating the hell out of me
these days, I'm looking for those little
details that hold the promise of fall .
Looking out over the playground,
she thinks, He's been a bad boy again.
one cup flour
I w
as so cl ose .
two eggs
He deserves to be punished, again .
one cup mil k
So close.
one tsp. vanilla extract
Your cover of Janet Leigh is utterI should call his father.
ly disgusting.
one cup sugar
She might call Dad .
a pinch of sal t
But his father is never home .
preheat oven 350 °
But Dad is never heme.
..
_..
\,
FANTASTIC WEAPONS
StaffB~
D. Ghosh
R. Gohlke
J. Oliphant
C. Huntington
M. Fox
J. Stovall
C. Schafer
My blo od pressu re hasn't returned
t n n;1nn;i\ ..: i11r1•
~('Pill~ J a ne1 LPi!!h's
Bengali Bruiser
Cogent Boy Wonder
Barney's Bane
Sangria Christy
Vulpine News Hound
Muscular Dystopia
Sans Cerebrum
W
aterproof Plug
Automotive Plug
�Movie Review
A couple of weeks ago i went to see a
:1ellow drama at the orpheum. It was
hat movie, umm, easy rider, and i
bsolutely hated it. It was funny,
nough. I liked natural born killers.
Restaurants of Midtown
I had better not name this restaurant
•
ecause i fear lawsuits like the plague.
\nyway, it is in midtown, i was there
he other day, and i saw a roach. It was
·ery very disgusting. I will say,
hough, that the food was good. Quite
ood.
Memphis Night Life
Pool is fun and there are some good
estaurants. Reading is fun but you can
o that in any town or city. Or rural
rea.
The People
It's like anywhere, i guess; some
oeople are nice, some are pretty mean.
m pretty normal so i don't have to
lke a lot of sh-t.
Other Things
I for one am having great difficulty
·ying to find good criteria that
istinguish art and science from each
ther. I feel that art probably means a
rocess we don't understand because it
; so complex or is obscured by blights
f ignorance in the fabric of our
:iphisticated but certainly not
ltimately sophisticated conceptual
:ameworks. So really I think that
oing art and doing science are the
ame except that in one case it's much
1ore obvious to us what we're doing. I
ould go on and on about this until i
1aybe made some sense but i won't.
Why
And i'll tell you why i won't. It's
ecause i'm apathetic and my powers of
oncentration are laughable. I'm
ctually laughing right now. And i
lame mtv for my laughter, even
Jough watching it never makes me
i ugh. I honestly don't mean to sound
itter. Probably just too much coffee.
:spresso, even. I'm always into the
1test fad.
Religion
I love to talk, read and think about
iat phenomenon people have· named
religion." Religious people can be so
1otivated! Much more so than you
nd/or i probably usually are.
>readfully horribly bad, though, can be
lJ
z
0
Vl
.....J
j)
Vl
~
~
religion for the sense of humor. I think:I
being cynical and probably also quite I-flippant is the true mark of a person
with a healthy(not as in "health" but as
in "definitely there in a menacingly
flourishing way") sense of humor.
Because and i know this is obvious
there are just so many more things and bigger, more important things that the cynical and flippant person is
having humor over.
Well
Well, i need to go. I enjoyed talking
to you.
_/\
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The Rat's Ass, April 18, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 06
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Spring
Description
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This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 18, 1997. This issue of the Rat's Ass is the goodbye to seniors addition. On the front page Jhay Witherspoon says goodbye and how the "universe is as universe does." Stay Joviall gives us a list of Emotivity Nuggets. On the last page Chavez and Rebecca Anderson give us a recipe for Discursive Ontology.
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Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Rebecca Anderson
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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' - This can make tasks that require a clear mind difficult,
r;waningle,ss or unsafe.
l
WHAT'S THIS LITTLE MAN DOING ON MY KNEE?
by jay (Keep your heaven to yourself - - happiness in
the clouds. It tastes itchy.
Keep your 'if only's' - - if only she would get to
know me; if only she would love me; if only I
could get rid of her, that bitch. - - watch
them slide away like a jug of milk pushed
across a kitchen table: whoosh, pause, whoosh,
pause . . .
Keep your spirituality and explanations. Manufacture
and build them up around you like a tree house.
Tree houses are fun to play in, but be careful
i
where you step because you may fall out and be
.
I
forced to realize that there is a really big
ground down there with no walls around it.
y~
BEING without reason Is absurd. BEING
without reason I& a big fuzzy hltman who has
come to wipe off your mllk moustache with a
solar flare. BEING tastes llke an exploslon,
and It don't need no •why.'
So keep your materialism and your faith in faith.
I found a funkiness in my own faith [a faith in
funkiness], and swished it around my mouth, and
tasted myself, with a tinge of wordy
cholesterol, slightly underplaying a sensual
overtone.
Yes, keep your glory days and your polite masking
smiles.
I say, take the only real way. The way of the
chicken. And, for that matter, the way of the
wad of gum under the table. The table and the
gum. The gum and the table. The rum and the
fable. Your monnna is a fat Elvis-lover, and
you ain't nuthin' but a fuzzy wuzzy bear
swimming through vats of fats singing 'bout I
got the blues cuz the knife ran away)
witherspoon
.
I
THIS UTILE MAH IS OH MY KNEE .
HE IS A LITTLE MAH .
t~OT REMEBER A TIME WHEN HE WAS HOT THERE .
KNEE.
PERHAPS
I
HE FITS 01~ MY KNEE .
I
HE IS THE LITTLE MAH OH MY
WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM ONE DAY .
DO
�Vortex
Dialogic
-Xaft Minor
·I
Sometimes I think 1 am
living in a Theatre de
L 'absurd play when I read
that pathetic publication
called the Sou'wester. One of
the most in form ati ve articles
which wasted about a halfpage last week was on the
"change" concerning the
SIRs. The great "change"
that will take place will be
that now our wonderful and
intelligent student
representatives will hand out
the_ SIR forms and read a prewnuen letter to the class.
This is supposed to "create a
more confidential and serious
atmosphere... " w hen students
fill out these forms. Now
let's be realistic just for ~
second. Student reps handing
out the SIRs will not have
any effect on how the SIRs
are used. The RSG seems to
have a lack of analytic skills
when it comes to thinking
through who interprets the
SIRs. Who gives a fuck
whether the professor or
some student hands out the
s_
IRs. This will not change a
single thing on how the SIRs
are used. It is the
administration that assumes
the duty to interpret the
SIRs and then use them
against any job position or
professor they want to
term inatc. It is the
administration which is the
problem here, not those who
hand-out the SIRs. Our Greek
filled student government
......
~ -~
~~~
{!~)J .«~l
XAFT MINOR - FDA
.JHEY WHITHERFUNK - EPA
NEETO BEEF URN - FBI
CHRIS BROWN - ATF
STAY .JovlALL - CIA
~
~
(
'1
seems to think that they
really are accomplishing
something with this
"change" in policy. Of
course, if the function of the
RSG is to suck the dick of
the administration then I
must compliment them on
the job they are doing with
only one small complaint.
SUCK HARDER!
\(
\\
J made you
with craft and deliberation
charting and foolproof
turning youth into something
benign but guarded
under heated juristriction
scrubbed and not foresaken
holding off and pursing lips
implant growth-forms
garner response prediction
verisimilitude popu]us zerography
allowance of harpinlin taste
titular gonzaga container
paraplex ostensiable dorflit
· isable gorflin behaviors
rashyolin cabagarech odius
casbahdop torbhal dan
. But it falls apart anyway
I was found
in the thickets of musty
vineyards with scramb1ing
looseness and rustling scatologies
sunlight filtered names
tantamount and flavorful
wastrels of 1ove1iness
regalia undermining heat
honey dripping cuticles
evervescent baby basins
simper puzzled rom lashings
losted barzoorn touching
sourbets jocund hostekram
haberdashery essence godlycrurnb
kabalistic noumena finglapse
bashing bazooks overture
xibnotreplin targ poobah
In a search for order
The Rat's Ass™ is a metalinear botching
of the exercise in non-recursive duality; as
such, the opinions contained herein reflect
the views of no one other than their respective authors. Thank you for choosing our
airline, and we hope you will f~ with us
FROM THE NEFARIOUS MIND OF THE
S'UP'E1( C:J{'E1('R!Y AfJtSPE1( . . .
WHAT IF?
What if you were playing basketbal l and all of a su dden
the ball t urned into Dr. Jobe s' he ad and p ronounce d , "Al l
work and no play ma k es Jim a dul 1 boy ! ," and then
proceeded to boun c e up and down the court, s l a m-du nk
himself,
chase the chee rl eaders ~ bi te the coach's
hamburger , giggle , s pin rapidly in the a ir and di sappe ar
in a cloud of smoke?
�Graft .
-sty bay fovlall
You'Ve been picking those
scabs of reason and tug~!ng
at those pigtails of meaning
looking for an alley
a rock to climb under
asafe place
anything
to shield you from
the self-rape of analysis
by stay joviall
I
What are you?
this is not a poem;
this is a message
from you to you
.: the place
.; where you end
and I begin
never existed;
~ -- - I am you
,,~ ·'and I am not you
who are you?
by Chavez
1) The bong is over here. It reduces impurities by over 25%!!
2) Hey, kid, grabbing the end that's on fire may result in burns.
3) Mmmm, if [weren't your doctor and you "o/eren't my patient, I do believe I
would paint you pink and really use this stethoscope.
4) <hey, pssst, you grab it, and we can go smoke it in my office!>
5) Excuse me, 1' d like to ask you a few questions about the punctuation hovering
about your head.
6) You wanna try on my nurse outfit?
7) Scientific studies have shown that those who smoke marijuana turn into four- .
fingered, featureless cartoon people.
8) The dank, dirty purple is this way.
•
I
�
Dublin Core
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Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 16, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 13
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 16, 1995. The front page of this issue features Jhay Witherspoon who writes about how being without reason is absurd. Chris Brown critics the RSG on Rhodes College. Xaft Minor also has a Dialogic Vortex. On the last page Chavez gives us some well needed medical advice.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Chris Brown, Neeto Beef, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Xaft Minor
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
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ba69fe2bde600fe4d2d72e0a35441239
PDF Text
Text
I
I
'1
l
I
Growth
by Jay Withertunk
)
The man stood looking
down al his leg, grinning. One
hand poinled lo his knee, the
olher was held aloft and
waving. He was yelling.
He said, "Behold, you
people, the grealesl knee ever
lo have carried a man. Behold
il and weep al it's grandeur.
Laugh al the magnificence that
oozes from ils fibers. Know lhat
right now you are witnessing
lhe peak and goal of lime itself
as you behold lhe greatest kne~
in the universe!!!!!"
People walked by,
people with more sense than
lhis man, and pitied him. He
was held in a standing position
by a pair of crutches and the
gray wall behind him, because
one of his knees was swollen lo
the size of a small cantaloupe
wilh a malignant tumor. He
had never had such a massive
·lumor of lhe knee before. He
didn't know what lo do or how
lo read, and it seemed a waste
of time and energy to groan or
beg for change, so he decided
lhal his knee, by far lhe largest
knee he had ever seen, must also
be the greatest knee ever lo
exist. But you musl feel sorry for
lite man when you see him, and
smile at him and his knee, the
greatest 011 earth.
Journal of Polymorphous Perversity®
·
a humorous & satirical journal of Psychology
Volume V, iSSue 3
JAn. 24, 1997
�-- - -
I
WWWWWW ·
glucose
pyruvate
il
er reactions
1 or another
e
gy-releasing
.way
·-._
.\
. )
...
~ ADP_
GUANINE
(G)
,f
HC
"
OH
H
THYMINE
(T)
OH
CYTOSINE
(C)
H
The la4uer lopped table gleamed under unfirgiving llorescenl lights. My boss tapped one
black kidskin covered finger like a ruthless metronome.
"Defcnistration is nol an option."
I looked across the flawless shiny rectangle from my leather chair. I lit a cigarette and
slowly inhaled before I spoke lo the hunched figure across from us.
"The neuro-pallern reading gave us some very interesting information, Mr, Superchunk."
My voice was Hal and even except for the emphasis I placed on the name. I held my level
gaze al the now twitching man.
"Yes. We do know. The DNA samples have proven my original hypothesis. You see,
Mr. Superchunk, we'vcw been on lo you from Leh slarl. And I must tell you that your elimination.
is something I have l<x>ked forward lo for quite some lime now. "
The gangly man's etherealy pale skin glowed under the glaring lights. He shuddered as I
swung my patent leather txx)l off of the table and slowly rose from my chair. I strolled deliberately
toward him, pausing only lo slub oul my cigarelle i lhe cul-glass ashtray lo my right.
As I approached lhe not-long-for-this-world Mr. Superchunk, my boss flipped open her
cell phone. She spoke only lwo words in her crisp British accent before snapping the phone shul
with a dick that rang as distinctly as my boot ht.-els on lhe polished marble floor.
"CUC 148."
AL this signal , the lights faded lo a reddish-gold. I bent from the waist and stared directly
intol he scaled Mr. Superchunk's eyes.
"I think it may be Li.me lo gel religion," I purred into his ear.
Electrified steel doors on either end of the room whirred into a low hum.
"Any lasl requests, Mr. Superchunk?" I demanded ironicaly as I leaned in closer. His nose
was pamllel to my cleavage.
I noticed beads of sweat roll like tumbleweed from his temples.
''No.,,
He spat oul lhe words, trying to meet my eyes, but his line of vision was fixed on the
space between my breasts.
With a heaving breath, Mr. Superchunk tried to explode from his chair and burst lolhe.
door, I grabbed his left cltx)\v and with a flick of the wrist, snapped his arm in half. My tx)ss
sneered from across teh room as she slowly stroked the Doberman al her knee.
Mr. Supcrchunk crumbled lo the floor as I dipped chrome cuffs lo his wrists and ankles.
This was almost loo easy Lo be fun. My boss pressed a glowing bullon on the arm of her chair. I
grabbed Mr. Superchunk by the neck and shoved him backwards against the wall. The chrome
cuffs fil into eleclrornagnelic dips and he was stuck like a fly, whimpering and sweating.
My boss grinned as she punched a second bullon on the arm of her chair.
Mr. Superchunk's body stiffened as the green lights stabbed him. He vaporized.
.
a
2 ATP invested
~ glucose-6-ptiosphate
,
~
Mr. Superchunk Meets His Final End
by: ruh-bck-uh an<l-cnr-sun
STEPS OF GLYCOLYSIS:
of
the
Giycolys is starts with ,
mvestmenr of two ATP: Fir
action promotes the trans!
phosphate group from ATI
which has ;i h"~ '- "- 1 of .
e
;fer, t
lightil,
m e ta p hysical
Q -t i p
fructose-6-phosphate
~~ ADP
~
fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Do you ever wonder where the
earwax of the narrow spatiotemporal
nether-dimension
goes
after the
grounded- metaphysical
Q-tip provides it meaning though
use, namely, clearing the
convoluted pathways or our
auditory canals'!
If metaphor ts
the only true art, then the Q-tip
should ri val anything Keats so
boldly an d spontaneous! y creates.
The Q-tip shou ld set a standard for
modern thought insofar as it
should be applied to every
discipline's discourse in an etlon
to clear away the bullshit, you dig?
By the way, the earwax ? It goes to
that place or never-end ing
lubricati on--that mighty and
prophetic land of evaporated KY
and empty cans of metaphysical
WD-40 .
As for the human essence?
I can't say quite as much for it.
U nfortunatel y, it cannot make that
great Gig in the Shy so must settle
for
hope l e ss transmigration- - too
bad, the life of a Q-tip, AHH IF
ONLY !
omot·
• from
'eculE
:ose- ·
:e intc
oon b
i PGA
1ediatE
each F
lydrog
1 cor
lso
' (P;) pr
ates a r
we form
! from ;
as sub
rmatior
·estme
yme-m
two int1ydrog
1hic h C<
dig the dank,
C ha v e z _
)nergy-releasing
sm of all
Substrate-level
phosphorylation,
2 ATP produced
g The resulting intermediatE
molecules of 3- phosphoenolr:
or PEP) are rather unstable. E
gives up a phosphate group :
Once again. two ATP have io
substrate-level phosphorylat1c
h Thus the net energy yield f
glycolysis is two ATP for each
molecule entering the reaction·
end products of glycolysis are
molecules of pyruvate. each w1
three-carbon backbone.
Energy-Releasing Pathw
�......'l.•.
~
..· .
.~·
~ ~~·~.>."'.r•• \.
•
ammo acids « 71·,
~ •.'1
NH
.... •:.-:-
carbon
._b_a,_c_kb~o~ne_s_,
(
urea
..
i
r
i
I
I-
I
i
!
t
'
acetyl-CoA
1---------__,1
I.
from
The Strategic Etymology,
entry 7.03
by stay jovial!
C0 2
Emplicity is the underlying principle of
I
1•
the overarching locus of Metafrolic, and yet,
despite the increasing demand for extrinsic
omissionary refroth, it is still best understood
by assessing the surrounding branches of its
conceptbush. I here present a three-level
approach to beginning to grasp emplicity,
beginning with the relational quantalities of the
1 root "emp." I will then offer an explicative
non-recursive exploratory fruxit (elemental and
beyonding-inclusive), and conclude with
general prescriptions.
What branches stem from ''emp?"
Donner's Elusivity/Heteroxity Principle points
us first to empathy. Traced to the German
einfUhlung (..in-feeling"), which derives from
the Greek empatheia, empathy speaks of the
capacity to enter into emotional
harmony/understanding with an Other.
Employ means broadly "to use," and is
from the French employer. Emplicity is not
used, but in the best of circumstances one is
used by emplicity.
Empty is "with nothing in it,
unoccupied, or totally without." Empty must
be the vessel; blood flows though the vessels;
blood is the river of life; the river of life can
only be traversed with an empty vessel.
Empire and empirical also figure into
this analysis in the most obvious connection.
I
I
I
I
I
I
NADH
NAO
FADI
ELECTRON TR;
0
,___ _ 0 ..:...sP_H.:..::..:..R--Yt
P_H..:.
No~-recursive
fruxits are a hot topic in
S~rategy Cnt ~hese days. Whether you side
I/
with A~togemc Netherthugs in their posthumarust parametaphysicality, or with the
Ontogenic Conceptual Stuntmen with their
intransigent conviction in the antiloco, there is
no escaping the fact that antinomies inevitably
undermme the current cyptozoologist' s
plasticity. If one is willing to grant the obvious
to the unbegged in a world of nons and
growing froat, its not a far leap to
thund~~i~ing both beekeepers and proponents
of ant1truxit theory. This consideration when , ·
held against a background of Miles Davis' Blue / ::
·
.
in Green, ~d gr.asped on Darwinian grounds,
makes the msert1on of a f ruxi t unnecessary,
because you the reader are already thinking
about (ensnared by) the gist of fmxitivity.
. I .now conclude with general (emplicit)
prescnpt1ons.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Drink perverse amounts of water.
Laugh. It is your only salvation.
Devour each moment.
Embrace struggle, Jove pain.
Garlic: 3 cloves/day
Be autonomous.
Wonder, look, aspire.
gO.
:d
., .
e·
·1~
�You're The Deiusionai Festooned Matador
c:·
~
~- G
.... '
=·
You ~lart :,alivalin14 <rn<l move [(J the back of lhe room.
You wonJer where your will ran off Lu anJ ~uck un your canJy ri11t;,
loukin!:J fur an entrance into lhe cunver~atiun:, malleJ lo the wall~.
Every One is making love Lu the barlenJer who wears
an expression of unJistingui:,heJ linguistic exploilalion.
"I useJ to live ac..:ross the trac..:ks," you c..:arefully pretenJ, nol wanting
to seem needy. Every One ignores you bec..:ause
they Jon't want to hanJle a sucker-puncheJ maverick.
Your make-up c..:an't hi<le a black eye, much Jess
the fear of fool hardy emasculation.
!><!
Pl
OK, Every Thing's gonna be alright, you breathe in anJ off.
In. Off. In. Off. In. Off. Drag that cigarette. In. Off. Off.
Hi
ii"
~
r-·
::i
0
H
Hi
;)
ri
ro
r-·
10
::i
:1
0
"Once I consumed an entire cherry pie through my nose."
<<Great,>> Some One mumbles. <<tv1aybe you can straighten
out an indefatigable argument This One and I are having.
It appears to me that LIFE lyou're deaf after this wordl is much
more attainable once you commit to stop living. This One
disagrees on the .grounds that LIFE is a meaningless term.>>
Oh _shit. You were afrai<l this would happen. You need some more
absmthe and a monastery to figure out what the words swilling
through your head MEAN.
H
H
·;n
(JJ
You dive
':J
0
;:J
0..
iD
;::l
;t
"L_ife i~ simply the opposite of File," you toss out, shoulders
coiled 1~ preparation for apocalyptic retribution,
~one~ ~n y~ur po':1<et whistling Auld Lang Syne
m antlClpahon of impending perturbation.
t-'·
;::l
::r
~rn
'Ji
"
'°"1
;D
:--t·
" -
<<Would y~u like one of us to go down on you?>> Some One
SCREAMS m a movement of ingratiation. That One
looks defeated and swollen.
Isn't that your therapist on the other side of the room;,
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
Rat's Ass, January 24, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 03
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 24, 1997. The front of this issue has a story written by Jhay Witherspoon called "Growth." Chavez has an article on the "Creation of the metaphysical Q-tip." Stay Joviall gives us the "Strategic Etymology, entry 7.03." On the last page Ross Gohlke tells us why "Life is simply the opposite of File."
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Chavez, Stay Joviall, Ross Gohlke
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cb14a1ff11961cfa01d9c872f1caf73b.pdf
fdd3a23687b21fce10f1cc44dce63f10
PDF Text
Text
t..\-'s
oo~~ J
3\ ab ~~ 1
,4~ J
i+~
41
b 1tA 4 ~f'1
trH
,J.~!.t.';'
ch -tr + "'·"~
Hl A w 0 0
e~ ~iz ~
r~l\'1~ .
I ;
,,,,., 1f ,
Rarm.r1 .n I us_._ ___
- - 1..1;
L ,f
_ < dipAk Gliosli >_
Ever riden an ass (one with four
legs, you oversexed ape!), a brasf,
basin on your pate, armed with a
bar~e--pole? Yup, I mean the whole
QuiXote trip, menacing windmills et
al. Believe me, it's very condusive to
revelations, every second drawing
you to the meaning of LIFE, even
GOD. I had such an experience not
too long ago. No, there was no real
donkey and saddle. The last I
remember, my leaving the pristine
bathroom on 2nd floor White, was a
freak accident. (Maybe it was only
a divine hand slappmg my skull.) As
I Shaved the fuzi off my face, I
treated m 1self to the horror of
another bloody nick. That fluid red
stuff made me weak. Falling, I held
on to my can of shaving cream.
Neither the spurting ~n gel nor
the metal can kept me from kissing
well-trod bathroom tile ... then,
emptiness.
Man, now I curse that dark period
in my life when I brushed asic e aii
those near-death experiences with
strokes of skepticism. I swear, I saw
a light too. It was red, brilliant red.
If tfiere is a God, He (or She???)
must be a communist, or at least a
socialist. In other words McCarthy
was a
deluded moron after all...Not to take
off on a derivative of my Ramblin'
Function (tangents), I fe1t an energy.
No, there was no great white beard,
haloed flowing robes, or a hand to
transport me m the "other side." It
was a nice tingling alka-se!tzer
'> ensation, as if bubbling fields of
-V-~
~~.~=~~!~'" \ .)
r'."" ,.· :\~
1.
' . .,,,,~,,,
·' .
t. \~-~~·. .
·!
,} . ~
. '
§~~~;;"7"'''.'"; j
golden throne in another dimension.
~r~ . ... :' ....... . ~ by Pat Garrett
,
Think aoc:z~ it: if He/She had hands
\,.
Snow. It's everywhere. Like God.
I
and feet, despite fr.e ia:-;,€:;'.;
") · .
It has t:1 power to make people slip and die, just like
e
;
,.,.,.damned haio, He/She couldn't be
"t. ' God. It is white and clean like God. You don't have to
l
""")
be a 01ristian to feel it. A Godish quality.
omnipresent, could He/She? In that
· r
0::. occasion it takes corporeal form.
.l
reasoning lies an extension for a
,~,
Divine incarnations. Snowmen.
•
liberating (yet, reasonable) "faith."
,,
Fact: More Catholic children eat snow ice cr.,a:n than
That is, "God" is (must be) an
/ '
Protestant children.
'.
omnipresent energy field, an energy
/·
. ·_"f'
People don't uncontrolably make snow demons, er
~
with unique characteristics: of
snow Devas or snow Athenas.
ll
· ·
" I'd"
People make Snow Angels.
~
co apsmg into so 1 matter
When some bruiser is tellin' you that there ain't no God
(E=mc2) and spontaneously
push him/her
incarnating messiahs when quirks
~
-.'
in the snow and say,
called humans go astray; with a
:'t.. .,- .- .' - -"Oh yeah? __
_"
timeless 'balance" that, while
" -~ ,,:-.." ·" ~ ';·.(,: . -: '
.. ,
ilib um, has
always regaining equ1 alri1
......,. ,. · ;
--.:.._ . _ ·_, 1 . ·
(' ·'
repurcuss1ons wnen oc y
- ·~.-- .. ,;
disturbed-l:mtterflies fanning
,,,,--------...:.:.:.....:__ ,......._
hurricanes. Meditate for an instant,
WHY WOULD HE J
instead of abusing yourself with
I NEVER SAW A
Rat-Mush ...I humbly offer you an
explanation for your "enigmatic"
ANOTH ER
WOMAN OF HER.
existence, and even Karma.
Of course, you certainly reap what
AGE SO YOUN&
you sow; some of us heathen are
AND FU l.L OF
condemned by our own free will to
exyeriment with alternate
PEP ~
onentations in this pervasive Fie'. d.
~
The repurcussion/s may hit you
now or later; if it just
happens to strike you after you're
dead, you wonder where in hell lies
your source of suffering in this life.
You may say you don't remember
past lives; in that case, why don't
you try using more than 15% of
your brain fOr a change?
In conclusion, I strongly
recommend French-vaililla, and
remember, Insanity is absolutely
relative. MAY THE FORCE BE
WITHYou.
Are You Growing "MIDDLE - AGED"
p s. Ti.c sting of antiseptic brought
me back to my ' sens!'~~ ."
__.- too fast? Why Many People
/
_
Grow Olcl Fast in Their Forties . • •
!
/ ' ;() '·~
...~'·: :::-·;·:
~-·.:o-
~
~
.
/
�a nyone craving the
material more tha n the
spiritual.
Of course, this move
cr eates some difficulties
of its own. If New Year's
is a family holiday, when
do we all get drunk and
JOHN SAYS ... HER HANDS
ARE SMOOTH... BUT
SMELLY
On Candles, Orgies,
and the Political
Decline of America
by Mike Augspurger
Christmas Eve. The
Candlelight Service.
Silent Night.
Long
Sermons on the real
meaning of Christmas.
Tight green and red ties.
Two-year olds crying in
the row in front of you.
Sitting in the service this
year, I began to wonder
once again what I was
doing there. Sure, I love
Christmas like the next
guy: but the real ~ean~ng
has more to do wi th
presents than with
Jesus. Even my parents
only go to church twice a
year (oh. the days wh en
we made jolly fun of
people like us). It all
seemed a little silly. So I
struck on a plan. Its
s)mplicity sparks of
genius: its completeness
answers all questions.
It is clear th at we
ca n't just give up on
Christmas: after all.
where would all the
presents go? The first
\an irwclves
part ot rny P
ents and
m oving thenpres 0 r that
s ome ,
rnaybe eve
ew Year's.
farnily stu.ff
is as floe
New Years
day to
an arbitrary ny other.
celebrate as
on\y fr ee
This would; candlelight
roe from th ·t ould \eave
.
but i w
service.to t h e Christians .
,,
Jesus
. haPPY· Heer-.
Everybody .s
could even
day of
t he Chris tians
h ·strnas a
make C n .
to drive off
fesuve f as t1ng.
6;;
:t
I pi~ ·lr1 I Ill fK'r~1·; • !I~· ,:or~rou~ -11-.•l..in~ 1·l1
ur11la1 e
rak e rrd1w- out of• ma~a 7.in;- And M"I 1•1 "orl.
I 1ho11~l11 r.1 A~k Hill lo S1m1la )' tol llfll"'-·• and
jrnu ho wl him o n~r "·ith my rale.
Ancient Rome at Ck's
- J ~..':'.J 5 +o v a\ 11
...in holding that there existed already
under the monarchy a group of
families known as the patricians
which succeeded in the early years cif
the Republic 1HERE WILL BE NO
DISCUSSION- Do you want to live
with your mother and I or not?! is
clear that there emerged with great
stay up all night? Now, rapidity a plebeian movement which
now. before everyone created an organization parallel to,
becomes hysterical , I and •llternative to *Clink.Clink*
assure you that I have (silverware) But you never listen to
thought this through. ~Dad! DO YOU WANT that the
With the presents being patrician state, in the course of what
opened seven days later, is known to scholars as the Y-yes sir
December 25 is left struggle of the orders.
completely open . How
Would you like some more coffee?
depressing, to spend
OKAY, here is the bottom line Yes,
such a previously festive please. The plebeian organization set
day, with nothing to do! out to break the patrician monopoly
Ah, but here is the of secular and sacred office in the
beauty of the plan: in Roman *Sniff*, Dad, I thought we
(
rememberance of our came here so thatpagan past (and I don· ~ .'
Coffee steams my glasses. I
want to limit this to just glimpse the huffypuffy patrician over
Westerners-- surely every his son's bony shoulder. In pursuit of
culture has a thunder- its first objective the movement was
bolt wielding sky god in I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! IF YOU WANf
their past). we can revive TO UVE UNDER MY ROOF, SHlJf UP
the holiday which begat AND LET'S GO. We shall see shortly
Christmas in the first how plebeian aspir!ltior:s were- Could
place: Saturnalia. What I get my check piease'/
than a Roman orgy
to ta ke the place of New
Year's Eve! -In my mind .
any Christian who can
fast all day while
watching the rest of the
nation indulge themselves in the material
certainly deserves some
sort of salvation. Ah.
Saturnalia!
Gorging
ourselves with appetizers,
we'll nurse our Christmas
Day headaches with
thousands of other
Americans, and watch
men run around a
stadium hurting each
other. Perhaps someday,
the rapidly increasing
madness among our
leaders will allow the very
President of the United
States. with the turn of
his thumb, to decide the
collegiate
national
football champion.
I cry, and hope you
cry with me: If America
must
tumble
into
decadence, let us fall not
like England, or Spain, or
some such short-lived
world power. but like
phuh ......
The damn alarm went off too
early this morning. I cussed
out my vintage 1982 Toshiba
clock that sounds like a prison
buzzer opening up the cell of
life for me to enter every day.
b e ~ te r
Rome itselfl
NOW LIFTI Lower your hands,
finger-tips under abdomm and
lift. Notice the graud feeling of
111thtuess aud uplift. That's the
right ki11d of s11.hport for muscles
t hat want lo sag . .. a11 d Ihat's
what Spire/la alo11e can give.
~···••11••~11T"1
~,._
~~
~
-o::=""'
r
.6
{
if
I staggered to the pot lo do
my daily business and read the
TIMES. I started a Hoya De
Monterrey Excalibur, took
four long eternal drags and
moved to the patio to reread a
letter I received yesterday. My
eyes combed through the
knotted words as I sipped on
my coffee and looked at the
scribble over and over again .
My fingers ached as I reached
for the black ink pen lying on
the table and I began to
respond. It wasn't a very long
response. Honestly, I
probably didn't say enough.
Moral ambi guity was the
main thrust of my response. It
wasn't about human nature, if
one defines human nature in a
literal way. But, if one defines
human nature by the actions
people commit, then it was
about the transcendental ego
we all participate in. People,
in general, are morally
ambi guous creatures wavering
between the n·ght and wrong
of their society. This
rn:.. ~~ ·.-"\
_. " ~ ·' '
the greatest characteristic of
humanity. It would be a
boring place if everyone did
right all the time or did wrong
all the time. Think of it, an
entire planet C'f humans doing
good or evil constantly, with
no oscillation between the
two. T here would be no Nazis
saving Jews or Christians
killing for the cause of the
/
=>
A light dusting,
not even enough
for a snowball,
and as morning
becomes noon the
sheet on my
father ' s back deck
melts in the spots
I place my naked
toe.
Sky becomes blue
'
birds begin with
their strange
language: fluid
metaphors like oil
on water,
idiom develops, is
used, aural punctua t ion evolves
is ignored, and'
tertiary meaning
is conveyed to
become a fourth
level.
If reader
dis .::usses poem
with another'
poem becomes
virus,
identical to
sunsets,
and lonely
funerals
and professional
Kingdom . There would just be
a constant state of repetition.
It would be like working on
an assembly line.
Perform function. Disengage.
Perform function. Disengage.
No differentiation to be
found. Constantly performing
good or performing evil would
become dull and mundane. But
to have the freedom to choose
one or the other, now that is
enticing. In this state of
fn~rri'1 FI and possibility,
confl icting emotions and
actions can come to life: Good
and Evil, Right and Wrong,
Love and Hate, Passion and
Apathy, Laughter and Tears,
Ecstasy and Pain,
Decisiveness and
In
.decis.iveness. Ambiguity
h
d any
gives nse t~ t ese an 1m ~ wrestling.
more. So raise your g ass an
b' 'ty and
have a toast to am 1gm
..... t\,~ 'SL \\
l\.UV
oscillation, the basic human
.._)
!l.
wavering . or oscillation .
behavior.
bctweennghtandwrong1s
-c.b : ,,,. >V"\,/"V
<;'A -~- A~ /'\/ v
SWIMMING UNDER WATElt for even 25
yards is a feat that would exhaust the
average person. Claude Newberry went
· ·2 ;1. ! r ,J: ,' H,. s i~1 5: " rd waik a mile
'
for a Camel'-that's how I prize the 'lift'
I get with a Camel after swimming."
j
~ L..:...::~rMiil:~lS~~~~i
�Peter end
Rre Ulslted
Salesman.
Wiiiy
by
a
by c. schafer.
- Willy: Hello, how are
you?
- Peter: I am good.
-Willy: Well, I just came
ouer for a chat.
- Peter: Oh, well, good.
-Willy: l nnti ced on the
way ouer that the
Scintillating Skin Care
uan is parked on your
block. Scintillating Skin
Care salesmen
in
uariegated uniforms
appeared to be rushing
door to door, balms
akimbo, peddling their
skin care wares. They
were headed this way.
- Peter: In uiew of the
impending · uending I
think I should turn off
the doorbell. [doorbell
rings]
-Willy: l oo late.
- Peter: We 'll haue to
answer ;t.
-Willy: There's no doubt
about that.
They
probably saw me come
in.
They knoUJ wa're
here, <rnd those pitiless
bastards haue con nections in D!sease
Dissemination.
- Peter: I'll get it. [Peter
opens the door]
- Salesman:
Good
afternoon.
I'm from
Scintillating Skin Care.
May I come in and tell
you about some of our
new products?
- Peter: Come on inside
and haue a seat, sir.
We'd loue to hear about
your products. [all takl!
th2lr seats]
- Salesman: This
b rand
Freckeliminator lotion.
I t s purpose is_to
- Willy: Its purpose is
euident already, sir.
- Sal esman: Ah, but you
are wrong. Our newest
<t~ uertising
scheme
G'. es the application
fa!. ~- t misnomers to
om roducts. The
/·
, _ ,_
1ac uc 1s irony, you see,
for what could be more
ironic than a line of skin
care
products
the
surface meanings of
whose
names
are
completely deceptiue?
-Willy: Few things could
be.
-Peter: What is the
actual property of the
Freckeliminator lotion?
-Saie~ •n an:
It
transmutes the tre'ated
portion
ot
human
epidermis
into
a
remarkable facsimile of
goat epidermis.
- Peter: How in God's
name could such a
product be marketable?
- Salesman: People might
surprise you.
I know
they surprised me. Of
. course, that was a long
time ago and I'm used to
them now. Euen still,
though, when I am on
occasion
taken
at
unawares, I feel traces
of what could be termed
" surprise. •
-Willy: When was the last
time a person surprised
you, I mean genuinely
surprised you?
- Salesman: · Only last
week I was talking to a
potential client - and
getting nowhere, I might
add - wt-Pen he starts
spinning
off
this
ludicrous theory about
how to win.
-Peter: Win what?
-Salesman: Well, that's
part of It, you see, he
had this notion that life
Is a sort of competition
the purpose of which Is
to connect the physical
aspects of language with
the objects or ideas
they represent.
-Willy: That doesn't make
any sense.
- Salesman: No, not really.
I didn't eHplain It uery
well either, though. I'll
glue you an eHample. For
instance, he thought It
was deuilishly cleuer to
use big words that mean
big
things,
like
"elephantine.• .
He
fawned for fiue minutes
ouer the •t • in "spit"
that causes those with
certain speech problems
to eHpectorate slightly.
If the spellin g of the
word
• circle·
were
chang2:! to • 000000" he
might instantly die in a
spasm of eHcessiue
pleasure. You see what
I 'm getting at.
- Peter: I do, and I see
why you were surprised.
- Willy: Well, I must be
going.
I 'II take the
"Tried- and- True- HealthyHue- 1mbuer· lotion. How
much ~; it?
- Salesman: Free.
It's
eHperimental.
(213 eHe1Jr.H
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 18, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1994
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 18, 1994. On the front page of this issue Dipak Ghosh talks about God and the darkness of death. Mike Augspurger declares the Political Decline of America. Jay Stovall mentions how the families of Ancient Rome may have lived, all the while Bob Shumate talks about the "Praise of Ambiguity." On the last page Charles Schafer tells the story about a Visit by a Salesman.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Dipak Ghosh, Nike Augspurger, Jay Stovall, Bob Shumate, Charles Shafer
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass