2
25
37
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5c23910e807e96a0b1ffa19591ae722a.pdf
55713ff01d9de05433560a25df2e4567
PDF Text
Text
'.·;:·
.1
/~'
.
"
:
.-
~
.:~
.
.,
'
So!
... w
1 "
· ..----.....:
~
'
':a.
ir~ ...
l
~t.;. . '~
.
.\¥. , .
'\~·
.
.....
. ..
.
,_~.s::l~~
'
/i
((LAVAL IS LOYAL TO LAVAL
I Still . Have A Dream
by Jay Witherfunk
I had a dream that Rhodes was cool.
Everyone had on a lye-die and the chiba ran rampant.
No, no that Wasn't it. Oh yeah, I remember. There were
a tribe of Rhodents who worshipped the squirrels. I asked one of
the professors of faith to show me why she believed. She took me
to the base of a tree, where, surely enough, a squirrel approached.
She nudged me and whispered, "Now you'll see!!!" The squirrel
looked around tensely for a few seconds then bolted up the tree in
a spiral. The squirrel-worshipper stared at me with pupils wide
and screamed, "DID YOU SEE THAT!?!? THAT IS WHY!!!!"
"Yeah, squirrels rock," I said. Oh shit. I'm sorry. Wrong
dream again. Too weird for Rhodes.
Really, the dream was this: I knocked down lhe door to
President Daughdrill's door with the smallest thrust of my
hulking shoulder and immediately proceeded to the back of the
room, where lay the magic safe to which I held the only key (won
through bloody battle with a maligned redneck demon). I opened
the door of the safe with slow, surreptitious, and scrupulously
mliloqous serendipity And light poured onto my face as I looked
ipon THE INSTRUMENT. IT WAS ... THE REMOTE CONTROL
10 THE BRAINS OF ALL RHODES STUDENTS (except for the
ucky few who have somehow managed to remove the deadly
mplant which is shoved al birth into the skull of all infants by
'he Man*)!!!!! When I picked the control up, lhe knob was turned
> the setting labeled the "Ralph Lauren/ Victorian Age/ sticks1-their-asses/ spoon-fed/'oh my god, look at her butt'/'[
lmrnpoo every day, don't you?' /'tell-me-how-lo-dance, I'm not
iat creative' /Tm okay cuz I'm rich, I'm white and· I'm
te' /please don't change this setting" setting.
This all seemed rather drab, so 1 ch~nged lhe knob lo lhe
. trng "chill daddy-o's" and the thing shocked my hands so ~ad
I dropped it and leaped out the
to
own
0 r wa1, no, I thin:k my dream was somelhmg different. ll s so
·t
· I
hard to remember your dreams some limes, you know·
J was in the jungle. It was dark. All I coul~ he.~r. w_~s l _
w
sound of my feet on lhe forest floor. The surroundmg silence was
b
ble The sounds of my footsteps were so loud lhal J could
un eara tl ·
l d d ·1 t l gt:•l
.
even see 1em· I tried lo imagine a black-lool 1e evt ·, ou · o d
me and I thought I heard him~ but maybe not. I .'.~a~me a
babbling brook thal slurped qmetly lo mark lhe pa~sa8.c of my
thoughts, but it soon returned. lo the silence. And I m JUsl now
seeing that my dreams are so stlly and unreal.
I don't km.i~v. But maybe you do.
I thought I dreamed that Rhodes was cool.
But it's really just a wet spot on my bed lhal I'll have lo
wash off later.
:~at'
windo~ ~y
de~is~··
* 'The Man' is anyone who knows where lo look when lhey see a
word with an asterisk.
>
"Stick to .
your etch1
M TI" ':.:
r. .
�Why You Can't Buy
a Rubber on Campus
ECONOMICS
-by stay joviall
by dauid sears
I think it's a function of angularity, ya
know, in the sense of two things coming together
with a certain fixed relation between them.
Definitely there arc overtones of inundatory inanity
involved, in an essentially egregious mode of
comportment towards itself and us as a community
of people acting like students.
And Rhodes is a churchy place... religious
hangups hang out like Damoclean bad breath. Not
that I have a problem with D~mocles' breath, or
religion, or hanging things -- it's just that two
lines or this situationality don't seem to be at a
right angle when you think of that nasty little virus
running around out there. Yes, the administration's
lack of rational responsibility forces the
responsibility on our heads as students, but I
suspect some lessons should not be so potentially
costly.
\
If I oNly HaD a GuNnnN.
by MlchAel AIAn LonG I
It'S LatE AnD DaNZig Is oN ...
IF I onLy Had A gUN.
TheN I'D Be DUNne.
ShE WouLD NoTICe mE.
And My fOOd WoUld Be hOT.
LifE WouLD BE mORe PG-13
I CoulD TeLL MY StoRIES And
ShOW My TatTOOs.
WiTh A BeeR And A gUN.
No mORe StAined GlaSS.
No MorE TiGHt JeANs.
"HeY maN, WhAT's UP?"
BOOM!
"WHAtaREYa'Ll uPtotONiGHt?"
BOOM!
"IS ThiS GoNNa be On tHe TeSt?"
BOOM!
"COulD yOu ThrOw me a zlmA?"
BOOM!
AIL ThEse TaTterED BaSEbaLL CaPS
AnD KaKKi ShORTs
AnDTevaS
AnD BoOMin' baSS
AnD IED zEPPlin Cds.
TheRE WouLD jUST bE PeaCe.
AndaLoT
oF DeAD PeoPLe.
I DONT Bf OLD FASHIONED, MOM!
PRO·PHY-LAC-TIC PROLON· rs
. BETTER THAN PIG- BRISTLES !
1
"Ugh, how clicl I
i get here?" Jack thought lo
himsc1f as he opcne<l one
• eye, only to be confronted
by an intense ray of light
penetrating through his
skull. He could only recall
i going to the l~rench
Ouarler the night before to
hc-ive a few d1·inks or
something. Hnt now he
found l1irnsclf slTetcl1e<.l
l out by the rive1· in an
j uuimaginaMe conclltion.
I His hair was knollecl up
' around a huge wad of gum
which was stuck to the
grouncl. His hocl y hacl
macle a bed for itself in a
! pool of vomit complete
! with a few barely <ligest. <~J
i hot dog wieners. He also
became aware of a moist
feeling in l1is right ear.
He yan.kecl the clump of
hair ancl gum from the
grouncl so as lo turn l1is
hea<l ove1·. A yellow liquid
slowly seepecl from his ear,
bearing a stril~ing
rese1nblance to urine.
"What have I done to
myself?" lie thought. He
glMwecl around at his
surroundings ancl
i 1111 nc<liatcly l1<.~<.~a111c
fixated on the waler. To
his~ .&..; '.!1_;~,~~.
amazement he noticed
:.:~r
:I
:"
two cm ns dancing
eleganlly over tl1e river
together. "Okay iL makes
sense now, l'n1 clreatni11g.
AL least when I walw up I
won't have to contend wilh
hot clog infestecl vomit
clripping from my nose"
All of a suclclen a sharp
beam of light attacked l1is
retina from Lhe right. He
turned and saw the mosl
heautifnl human figure lw
lrnd ever <lirectecl his
vision towards. The
figure was a huge black
man possibly seven feel tall
with long wiry dreads aml
an enonnous black ancl
grey beard. The si.gl1 l was
so pleasing that Jack
forgot all about the
graceful emus. After a f cw
moments of silence Jack
askecl the beautiful man,
"\Xll10 are you, what is
?"
your nanie.
"I have no name, I only
l1ave a job."
"What is your job, sir?"
"First let me ask you a
question, wl1at clo you
think of money"
"I don't know, I just use it
when I want something."
"Money is undeserved
power, my brother."
"Ol~ay, so tell me what
your job is?"
"Different people refer to it
l1y <liffcrcnl names"
"\Vhat <lo you call i l?
The magnificent figure
~~1~f~~l$.t,',~ \' . .
....
'.· · , ':· - <. ~
~:- ·<\i;':·r·~fi!K~
J .
replied, ;'Redistrilrntion"
aml tlwn vanisl1cJ.
Jack was ovcrwl1clme<I wid1
wlrnt l1a<J taken place since
he lia<l hecorne conscious.
I Je sloml up aml
aUemptecl lo orient
l1imsclf. I le sat on tlic
heuch hehiml l1im lo
cont:en1plat:e tllC recent
course of even t.s lie lrncl
experienced. He reachecl
in his back pocket ancl
pullecl l1is wallet out. All
of his money and crcclit
cards hacl hcen replacecl by
a. JiLtle canl rea cling "G ocl
�'The R_,,t'" A•s'" is neocnrlrnncul<lr
n '[unkul,.r tintiu,.bulc.rity produced
•·
d
on "' ha•is by people with other specrEio c.n
i·andom factors involved. It just sort of
Irnppens. '['here c.re no i-es{riciion• on wl1,.t
·
. l
=~K
published, so if you lMve ~ p".°blem w1t.1
nrticle pleAse t .. ke it up w1tl1 its re~pech~
'l
And you know tl1osc little pomty tlungs
gc{•
4n
4Ut lOI'·
tlu•t get stuck in tl1e inner pAssAge of the
part?
'We do
th .. t.
n
ow
!ll!f? ll"(l!l _ _ _ _ __...c-
STAPHBOXX
EricBlock--Rumblepuppy
mar1infox--MumbleGUppY
DAVesears--stumble!luffy
miKelong--junglestuffy
DaveWells--bunglescruffy
Stayjoviall--munglEFurry
}heyWitherspoon--tu~gleblurry ;.A~......
AlanBouRDEReaux--a1nnoworry
'
I
I
I
i
I am nobody,
I shall be nothing
I come from nowhere
I am going no place
I have no reason for being here
My entrance was painful
I cried -- Others rejoiced
l'vly exit shall be miserable
Others will cry -- I will rejoie
Stretching between this beginning and end
Is a succession of sensation-None important
There was on]y one important event in my life
That was an affair I attended
Where illusion furnished the music
Folly was my dancing partner
And despair my escort home.
i
i
•
,,
'
,/
-A.SIJ<
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 15
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 12, 1996. Jhay Witherspoon has a dream that Rhodes will become cool one day. Stay Joviall brings up the problem of buying a "Rubber on Campus." David Sears however talks about economics. On the last page Eric Block gives a sad story of becoming nothing.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, David Sears, Martin Fox, Eric Block, Mike Long, Dave Wells, Alan Reaux
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cb14a1ff11961cfa01d9c872f1caf73b.pdf
fdd3a23687b21fce10f1cc44dce63f10
PDF Text
Text
t..\-'s
oo~~ J
3\ ab ~~ 1
,4~ J
i+~
41
b 1tA 4 ~f'1
trH
,J.~!.t.';'
ch -tr + "'·"~
Hl A w 0 0
e~ ~iz ~
r~l\'1~ .
I ;
,,,,., 1f ,
Rarm.r1 .n I us_._ ___
- - 1..1;
L ,f
_ < dipAk Gliosli >_
Ever riden an ass (one with four
legs, you oversexed ape!), a brasf,
basin on your pate, armed with a
bar~e--pole? Yup, I mean the whole
QuiXote trip, menacing windmills et
al. Believe me, it's very condusive to
revelations, every second drawing
you to the meaning of LIFE, even
GOD. I had such an experience not
too long ago. No, there was no real
donkey and saddle. The last I
remember, my leaving the pristine
bathroom on 2nd floor White, was a
freak accident. (Maybe it was only
a divine hand slappmg my skull.) As
I Shaved the fuzi off my face, I
treated m 1self to the horror of
another bloody nick. That fluid red
stuff made me weak. Falling, I held
on to my can of shaving cream.
Neither the spurting ~n gel nor
the metal can kept me from kissing
well-trod bathroom tile ... then,
emptiness.
Man, now I curse that dark period
in my life when I brushed asic e aii
those near-death experiences with
strokes of skepticism. I swear, I saw
a light too. It was red, brilliant red.
If tfiere is a God, He (or She???)
must be a communist, or at least a
socialist. In other words McCarthy
was a
deluded moron after all...Not to take
off on a derivative of my Ramblin'
Function (tangents), I fe1t an energy.
No, there was no great white beard,
haloed flowing robes, or a hand to
transport me m the "other side." It
was a nice tingling alka-se!tzer
'> ensation, as if bubbling fields of
-V-~
~~.~=~~!~'" \ .)
r'."" ,.· :\~
1.
' . .,,,,~,,,
·' .
t. \~-~~·. .
·!
,} . ~
. '
§~~~;;"7"'''.'"; j
golden throne in another dimension.
~r~ . ... :' ....... . ~ by Pat Garrett
,
Think aoc:z~ it: if He/She had hands
\,.
Snow. It's everywhere. Like God.
I
and feet, despite fr.e ia:-;,€:;'.;
") · .
It has t:1 power to make people slip and die, just like
e
;
,.,.,.damned haio, He/She couldn't be
"t. ' God. It is white and clean like God. You don't have to
l
""")
be a 01ristian to feel it. A Godish quality.
omnipresent, could He/She? In that
· r
0::. occasion it takes corporeal form.
.l
reasoning lies an extension for a
,~,
Divine incarnations. Snowmen.
•
liberating (yet, reasonable) "faith."
,,
Fact: More Catholic children eat snow ice cr.,a:n than
That is, "God" is (must be) an
/ '
Protestant children.
'.
omnipresent energy field, an energy
/·
. ·_"f'
People don't uncontrolably make snow demons, er
~
with unique characteristics: of
snow Devas or snow Athenas.
ll
· ·
" I'd"
People make Snow Angels.
~
co apsmg into so 1 matter
When some bruiser is tellin' you that there ain't no God
(E=mc2) and spontaneously
push him/her
incarnating messiahs when quirks
~
-.'
in the snow and say,
called humans go astray; with a
:'t.. .,- .- .' - -"Oh yeah? __
_"
timeless 'balance" that, while
" -~ ,,:-.." ·" ~ ';·.(,: . -: '
.. ,
ilib um, has
always regaining equ1 alri1
......,. ,. · ;
--.:.._ . _ ·_, 1 . ·
(' ·'
repurcuss1ons wnen oc y
- ·~.-- .. ,;
disturbed-l:mtterflies fanning
,,,,--------...:.:.:.....:__ ,......._
hurricanes. Meditate for an instant,
WHY WOULD HE J
instead of abusing yourself with
I NEVER SAW A
Rat-Mush ...I humbly offer you an
explanation for your "enigmatic"
ANOTH ER
WOMAN OF HER.
existence, and even Karma.
Of course, you certainly reap what
AGE SO YOUN&
you sow; some of us heathen are
AND FU l.L OF
condemned by our own free will to
exyeriment with alternate
PEP ~
onentations in this pervasive Fie'. d.
~
The repurcussion/s may hit you
now or later; if it just
happens to strike you after you're
dead, you wonder where in hell lies
your source of suffering in this life.
You may say you don't remember
past lives; in that case, why don't
you try using more than 15% of
your brain fOr a change?
In conclusion, I strongly
recommend French-vaililla, and
remember, Insanity is absolutely
relative. MAY THE FORCE BE
WITHYou.
Are You Growing "MIDDLE - AGED"
p s. Ti.c sting of antiseptic brought
me back to my ' sens!'~~ ."
__.- too fast? Why Many People
/
_
Grow Olcl Fast in Their Forties . • •
!
/ ' ;() '·~
...~'·: :::-·;·:
~-·.:o-
~
~
.
/
�a nyone craving the
material more tha n the
spiritual.
Of course, this move
cr eates some difficulties
of its own. If New Year's
is a family holiday, when
do we all get drunk and
JOHN SAYS ... HER HANDS
ARE SMOOTH... BUT
SMELLY
On Candles, Orgies,
and the Political
Decline of America
by Mike Augspurger
Christmas Eve. The
Candlelight Service.
Silent Night.
Long
Sermons on the real
meaning of Christmas.
Tight green and red ties.
Two-year olds crying in
the row in front of you.
Sitting in the service this
year, I began to wonder
once again what I was
doing there. Sure, I love
Christmas like the next
guy: but the real ~ean~ng
has more to do wi th
presents than with
Jesus. Even my parents
only go to church twice a
year (oh. the days wh en
we made jolly fun of
people like us). It all
seemed a little silly. So I
struck on a plan. Its
s)mplicity sparks of
genius: its completeness
answers all questions.
It is clear th at we
ca n't just give up on
Christmas: after all.
where would all the
presents go? The first
\an irwclves
part ot rny P
ents and
m oving thenpres 0 r that
s ome ,
rnaybe eve
ew Year's.
farnily stu.ff
is as floe
New Years
day to
an arbitrary ny other.
celebrate as
on\y fr ee
This would; candlelight
roe from th ·t ould \eave
.
but i w
service.to t h e Christians .
,,
Jesus
. haPPY· Heer-.
Everybody .s
could even
day of
t he Chris tians
h ·strnas a
make C n .
to drive off
fesuve f as t1ng.
6;;
:t
I pi~ ·lr1 I Ill fK'r~1·; • !I~· ,:or~rou~ -11-.•l..in~ 1·l1
ur11la1 e
rak e rrd1w- out of• ma~a 7.in;- And M"I 1•1 "orl.
I 1ho11~l11 r.1 A~k Hill lo S1m1la )' tol llfll"'-·• and
jrnu ho wl him o n~r "·ith my rale.
Ancient Rome at Ck's
- J ~..':'.J 5 +o v a\ 11
...in holding that there existed already
under the monarchy a group of
families known as the patricians
which succeeded in the early years cif
the Republic 1HERE WILL BE NO
DISCUSSION- Do you want to live
with your mother and I or not?! is
clear that there emerged with great
stay up all night? Now, rapidity a plebeian movement which
now. before everyone created an organization parallel to,
becomes hysterical , I and •llternative to *Clink.Clink*
assure you that I have (silverware) But you never listen to
thought this through. ~Dad! DO YOU WANT that the
With the presents being patrician state, in the course of what
opened seven days later, is known to scholars as the Y-yes sir
December 25 is left struggle of the orders.
completely open . How
Would you like some more coffee?
depressing, to spend
OKAY, here is the bottom line Yes,
such a previously festive please. The plebeian organization set
day, with nothing to do! out to break the patrician monopoly
Ah, but here is the of secular and sacred office in the
beauty of the plan: in Roman *Sniff*, Dad, I thought we
(
rememberance of our came here so thatpagan past (and I don· ~ .'
Coffee steams my glasses. I
want to limit this to just glimpse the huffypuffy patrician over
Westerners-- surely every his son's bony shoulder. In pursuit of
culture has a thunder- its first objective the movement was
bolt wielding sky god in I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! IF YOU WANf
their past). we can revive TO UVE UNDER MY ROOF, SHlJf UP
the holiday which begat AND LET'S GO. We shall see shortly
Christmas in the first how plebeian aspir!ltior:s were- Could
place: Saturnalia. What I get my check piease'/
than a Roman orgy
to ta ke the place of New
Year's Eve! -In my mind .
any Christian who can
fast all day while
watching the rest of the
nation indulge themselves in the material
certainly deserves some
sort of salvation. Ah.
Saturnalia!
Gorging
ourselves with appetizers,
we'll nurse our Christmas
Day headaches with
thousands of other
Americans, and watch
men run around a
stadium hurting each
other. Perhaps someday,
the rapidly increasing
madness among our
leaders will allow the very
President of the United
States. with the turn of
his thumb, to decide the
collegiate
national
football champion.
I cry, and hope you
cry with me: If America
must
tumble
into
decadence, let us fall not
like England, or Spain, or
some such short-lived
world power. but like
phuh ......
The damn alarm went off too
early this morning. I cussed
out my vintage 1982 Toshiba
clock that sounds like a prison
buzzer opening up the cell of
life for me to enter every day.
b e ~ te r
Rome itselfl
NOW LIFTI Lower your hands,
finger-tips under abdomm and
lift. Notice the graud feeling of
111thtuess aud uplift. That's the
right ki11d of s11.hport for muscles
t hat want lo sag . .. a11 d Ihat's
what Spire/la alo11e can give.
~···••11••~11T"1
~,._
~~
~
-o::=""'
r
.6
{
if
I staggered to the pot lo do
my daily business and read the
TIMES. I started a Hoya De
Monterrey Excalibur, took
four long eternal drags and
moved to the patio to reread a
letter I received yesterday. My
eyes combed through the
knotted words as I sipped on
my coffee and looked at the
scribble over and over again .
My fingers ached as I reached
for the black ink pen lying on
the table and I began to
respond. It wasn't a very long
response. Honestly, I
probably didn't say enough.
Moral ambi guity was the
main thrust of my response. It
wasn't about human nature, if
one defines human nature in a
literal way. But, if one defines
human nature by the actions
people commit, then it was
about the transcendental ego
we all participate in. People,
in general, are morally
ambi guous creatures wavering
between the n·ght and wrong
of their society. This
rn:.. ~~ ·.-"\
_. " ~ ·' '
the greatest characteristic of
humanity. It would be a
boring place if everyone did
right all the time or did wrong
all the time. Think of it, an
entire planet C'f humans doing
good or evil constantly, with
no oscillation between the
two. T here would be no Nazis
saving Jews or Christians
killing for the cause of the
/
=>
A light dusting,
not even enough
for a snowball,
and as morning
becomes noon the
sheet on my
father ' s back deck
melts in the spots
I place my naked
toe.
Sky becomes blue
'
birds begin with
their strange
language: fluid
metaphors like oil
on water,
idiom develops, is
used, aural punctua t ion evolves
is ignored, and'
tertiary meaning
is conveyed to
become a fourth
level.
If reader
dis .::usses poem
with another'
poem becomes
virus,
identical to
sunsets,
and lonely
funerals
and professional
Kingdom . There would just be
a constant state of repetition.
It would be like working on
an assembly line.
Perform function. Disengage.
Perform function. Disengage.
No differentiation to be
found. Constantly performing
good or performing evil would
become dull and mundane. But
to have the freedom to choose
one or the other, now that is
enticing. In this state of
fn~rri'1 FI and possibility,
confl icting emotions and
actions can come to life: Good
and Evil, Right and Wrong,
Love and Hate, Passion and
Apathy, Laughter and Tears,
Ecstasy and Pain,
Decisiveness and
In
.decis.iveness. Ambiguity
h
d any
gives nse t~ t ese an 1m ~ wrestling.
more. So raise your g ass an
b' 'ty and
have a toast to am 1gm
..... t\,~ 'SL \\
l\.UV
oscillation, the basic human
.._)
!l.
wavering . or oscillation .
behavior.
bctweennghtandwrong1s
-c.b : ,,,. >V"\,/"V
<;'A -~- A~ /'\/ v
SWIMMING UNDER WATElt for even 25
yards is a feat that would exhaust the
average person. Claude Newberry went
· ·2 ;1. ! r ,J: ,' H,. s i~1 5: " rd waik a mile
'
for a Camel'-that's how I prize the 'lift'
I get with a Camel after swimming."
j
~ L..:...::~rMiil:~lS~~~~i
�Peter end
Rre Ulslted
Salesman.
Wiiiy
by
a
by c. schafer.
- Willy: Hello, how are
you?
- Peter: I am good.
-Willy: Well, I just came
ouer for a chat.
- Peter: Oh, well, good.
-Willy: l nnti ced on the
way ouer that the
Scintillating Skin Care
uan is parked on your
block. Scintillating Skin
Care salesmen
in
uariegated uniforms
appeared to be rushing
door to door, balms
akimbo, peddling their
skin care wares. They
were headed this way.
- Peter: In uiew of the
impending · uending I
think I should turn off
the doorbell. [doorbell
rings]
-Willy: l oo late.
- Peter: We 'll haue to
answer ;t.
-Willy: There's no doubt
about that.
They
probably saw me come
in.
They knoUJ wa're
here, <rnd those pitiless
bastards haue con nections in D!sease
Dissemination.
- Peter: I'll get it. [Peter
opens the door]
- Salesman:
Good
afternoon.
I'm from
Scintillating Skin Care.
May I come in and tell
you about some of our
new products?
- Peter: Come on inside
and haue a seat, sir.
We'd loue to hear about
your products. [all takl!
th2lr seats]
- Salesman: This
b rand
Freckeliminator lotion.
I t s purpose is_to
- Willy: Its purpose is
euident already, sir.
- Sal esman: Ah, but you
are wrong. Our newest
<t~ uertising
scheme
G'. es the application
fa!. ~- t misnomers to
om roducts. The
/·
, _ ,_
1ac uc 1s irony, you see,
for what could be more
ironic than a line of skin
care
products
the
surface meanings of
whose
names
are
completely deceptiue?
-Willy: Few things could
be.
-Peter: What is the
actual property of the
Freckeliminator lotion?
-Saie~ •n an:
It
transmutes the tre'ated
portion
ot
human
epidermis
into
a
remarkable facsimile of
goat epidermis.
- Peter: How in God's
name could such a
product be marketable?
- Salesman: People might
surprise you.
I know
they surprised me. Of
. course, that was a long
time ago and I'm used to
them now. Euen still,
though, when I am on
occasion
taken
at
unawares, I feel traces
of what could be termed
" surprise. •
-Willy: When was the last
time a person surprised
you, I mean genuinely
surprised you?
- Salesman: · Only last
week I was talking to a
potential client - and
getting nowhere, I might
add - wt-Pen he starts
spinning
off
this
ludicrous theory about
how to win.
-Peter: Win what?
-Salesman: Well, that's
part of It, you see, he
had this notion that life
Is a sort of competition
the purpose of which Is
to connect the physical
aspects of language with
the objects or ideas
they represent.
-Willy: That doesn't make
any sense.
- Salesman: No, not really.
I didn't eHplain It uery
well either, though. I'll
glue you an eHample. For
instance, he thought It
was deuilishly cleuer to
use big words that mean
big
things,
like
"elephantine.• .
He
fawned for fiue minutes
ouer the •t • in "spit"
that causes those with
certain speech problems
to eHpectorate slightly.
If the spellin g of the
word
• circle·
were
chang2:! to • 000000" he
might instantly die in a
spasm of eHcessiue
pleasure. You see what
I 'm getting at.
- Peter: I do, and I see
why you were surprised.
- Willy: Well, I must be
going.
I 'II take the
"Tried- and- True- HealthyHue- 1mbuer· lotion. How
much ~; it?
- Salesman: Free.
It's
eHperimental.
(213 eHe1Jr.H
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 18, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1994
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 18, 1994. On the front page of this issue Dipak Ghosh talks about God and the darkness of death. Mike Augspurger declares the Political Decline of America. Jay Stovall mentions how the families of Ancient Rome may have lived, all the while Bob Shumate talks about the "Praise of Ambiguity." On the last page Charles Schafer tells the story about a Visit by a Salesman.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Dipak Ghosh, Nike Augspurger, Jay Stovall, Bob Shumate, Charles Shafer
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cdff95bd788106fc470c46fd95cfb41f.pdf
74ce6647810e2ebd91dc5e089cd60c34
PDF Text
Text
S
OoM r N ~ -,- x:
Pf;::C:C ~ L
~
p
I
s
0
0
0 '"''
E:
Whar-'s
your
excuse?
"My O\\ n, aii11otrt.>h it.-.; 11111nine ciui ci;
lcmporaiiiic..; 111 an updr;111 ol dJ<111111 ._. -. I''" " lic'l i
hcrc11 itl1 and hitlrcrlu. ,.
"Ant.I 11 hat's .1cit11· poini , \l ()rl-.111µ IHi1 :'
H.ampm1t hoilcniois lcu1 inf! <JJ1 il1L· llc'\i dr;1111
.Juggle me a rnc. ;siah, 11<111· 1 1 ;1 ·r"Fi .\ .ali1 e and cllc11c11sc1wc. "lr1111 ci1w cd
flowing cuuntc1 -pupp_ lorcst.1 · . .le" i;il
1
'
lorpcuoc.\ ol' d _ '-'lopiw1 ice crea111 d11 pp111e1.,. ·
'
1
"Cabbage me IH>I , .i<ll ior - 111<
'
111. \\-/r('11·" llw
bacon arril(.'. d1 T
"Fctidhorscl-11uis 11<11 <'ll ilrc µ 1ci1111 l111c
!hangs. Mobili/.c hardc11cd ci\irap 11;i1n111 e
cl i ppcrs. "
"Who' s count int! !he gi1 ens. M 1. l 'li11-.;i '.1 111111µ
reel uses or loriJ
siopra.\ 'l"
'
"You bore me. l nccc.J anc ii lier 1uli...
'Tic a/really applied lor ilH· pc;..,,,,<1n .·
"You m;11· list Ill<.' <1-; a rclcrcncc ...
"But I am )Our c111plo~cr. '·
ch
"Oh.''
"Don' l mcnlio11 i l. .,
"Form s i m pl) is."
" I kno\\'"
"No, bu! l'll lcl )Ou co11ii!llH' lo tlrinl-. i/Ju1
'
II
OD
�Garlic Is Good.
The Rat .' s Ass™ is a trump thumpin
bump grumpin mid-evil somethin fierce
comin down your chimney with a
smile and a groove; all opinions
expressed all solely their author's
and aL·e not affiliated with Rhodes 0 •
Have a day. It's all yours.
A Dialogue.
By Jay Witherfunkengruven
Say Yes
ii 1 L 1tu
e
di
1cl riff18S ot
living maniac. Beat rne.
<-1
( .i 111:,,i illt1 i1vi11g ant1-Gocl.
It really does exist-I swear
it
.I
i i 11 l10~ pnninq to l t:el a bit antsy about the recent death
d0vt: lof.)1 i-1ent.
Wiiai should I do " I believe feeling-a-groove is what is
i1 ·1 orde( i he rJeatli development is only a secondary
l: onnection vvilh tht: beyond--Not important--Mortal
i1u111qs'i Ci10atic unn-1oralistic universe? Could it really
bt-1'? A1 8 we really iliat vulnerable? Fuck Yeah... Feel the
y1uuvt: ---lls all there , everytl1ing you ever desired.
·.
-!:!
;:s
~
':!
"'
2
........
-s::
,.,
, '
i lie previous was all part of one section of existence.
I hurtl 's n1orn 10 be had . More to feel·-· There is just
more l1emq to l)e done-- That 's All. Just being. That is
all Iiial 1s Hnporiant. Be Be Be Be !
BE~
• t. 1
i-'1
!
1
I \'
-~
2
~
Now shake that thang.
'
'
•
"Okay.
You asked for it.
On the way down
here, I walked backwards so that I could see
where, just a few seconds before, I thought I was
going to be."
"You must quit saying things like that, or
your life will get strange.
Plus, I'll take away
your festive beer huggie and start callin g you
'spooge muffin. '"
"That's not fair. You look much more like a
spooge muffin than I do, and my beer huggie i s not
only 'festive,' but downright ROWDY . . . sucka."
"Hm. Your hair is on fir e."
"Hey!
Whoa! !
How'd you do that?
Hair on
fire sucks."
"I'm a: creature from a higher plane posing
as a human.
I possess abilities to distort,
create, manipulate, and pulverize any bit of that
tiny portion of the uni verse you call 'rea lity'
with the merest evil thought inflection.
That
makes you my bitch."
"I saw you put that lighter back in your
pocket, ass-hole. You're nothing but a big stinky
weener-ma . . . WHOA!! I feel different . . . You
changed me into a Buddhist monk!
Ah, the h armony
of it all!
Hold on.
You can't just show me the
way like that I
Part of the destination is the
journey itself .
. What the hell am I saying?
I'm a presbyterian!!
Would you please just leave
me alone, crazy dialogue partner?"
"Not quite yet."
"AH ! AH ! AH !
Oh, dear heavens and hot-dog
buns!!
Did YOU just make my penis twelve feet
long and extend my colon twelve feet beyond the
lip of my sphincter?
This is all getting r eally
weird."
"NOW you are equipped for LOVIN FROM AN
ALIEN.
Stand on your head.
The blood that will
rush to your head provides good lubrication. "
"No, man, I quit.
This shit has gotten too
weird.
Really, man.
No, don't DO that.
Wait,
a re you humming the theme song to MacGyver? What
the hell! ! !
It's too weird.
Where's my swiss
army
knife?
IT'S
TOO
DAMN
WEIRD!!!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
�J. VPhosphatidylserine
~
() \\
\~ ~J_
.
Hard Knocks
0
.,,0 ·
End
hy
stay j1niall
Can:cnirig
headlong,
al/ of.c very lhino
cI
S_l<X >iJ ng bencathe me
like fdm on a pn~cclor
out ol control.
I ain
hurtling through space,
\\'here
nothing is,
I am flowing,
gro\\'i no
.
b'
going
going
and ha Its/ am
slopping i_ lo a dreamed trance
n
01 hypnol!c wakefulness,
a snull ed candle
and nuclear \veapon explodin
each second passing.
g
Pause.
Inhale.
Begin .
.J
PAGE
~
~
E
nergy F
rom
TheFar&st
·············································
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 16, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 20
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 16, 1996. This issue of The Rat's Ass is called the "Special Domination Episode." On the front page Xaft Minor gives us not a dialogue scene, but something close to it. Jhay Witherspoon gives an actual dialogue. On the last page Stay Joviall how the end may begin.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Xaft Minor, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/148a383085a8473b464406f387f09f25.pdf
ffb4ffd61c7922f3ee4e2928e7bd270a
PDF Text
Text
"T::,~.:kiing the most benign issues, for fear of Santa Claus."
Don't tw,·
body to ist Your ,
Qet Into
Position.
~
..,_v
~
<,.,,o""
Vol. Il Issue 12
~
I
December 8, 1993
<\>'l)
~/~Special Holid~l. , !~sue !!
* • • • • * * • * • • • * *
The blatant
presentation of raw ideas
through the form of
DIALOGUE has fallen into
disfavor in these subtle and
calculated times. Those of
us who eschew elegance of
form have gone underaround
'
writing our simple and
styleless pieces as best we
can, burdened as we are by
the weight of ignominy and
general thickness.
Occasionally a fragment such
as this will be championed by
a poor and struggling rag
which can find no other
"copy• to fill its worthless
calumns. It is only through
these pitiful opportunities
that our opinions see any
chance of entombing
themselves in your brain.
Read this, then, with the
kind of special attention you
would give to a sick and
dying animal. You owe it in
the name of pity.
A Conversation
Between John a.
Smoker and John
Nonsmoker
jqs: Why do you persecute
me so?
jqn: Because your very
existence persecutes me.
jqs: Good point.
a.
jqn: Do you think it is cool
to smoke? Or are you
merely addicted. Pick one; '
will be condescending no
matter which answer you
choose.
jqs: Both. Does that mean I
get a double dose of you on
your high horse?
jqn: I would have thought
you'd be more creative.
jqs: If I told you why I
really smoke, you'd laugh,
maybe think I was just full
of sh_t.
jqn: Go ahead, shoot. I'm
listening. I don't have
anything else to do, and I get
fidgety during long silences- don't know what to do with
0u••••
unfulfilled oral fixation is a
bugger for creating nervous
tics.
l'HE § Do not. let Grey Hai
_
[jqs lights up)
§
appear.
jqs: I sincerely believe that MEXICAN § or1f1n•I colou r. or White Hair to
= R~·! 0 r•• Grey where the il•ndi
smoking is the 1~st
HAIR § notdH!royed. com1nt out. Hctt or
Cl
:; tb• H•1r from Pre~entaOaodrulf,
connection we moderns h
§
••d Srreoc<h••• th• "'''·
.
ave RENEWER =is NOT A DYE
With the primitive archetype
I s
Sold Ev~rywhe r
of humanity. Human as firepossessor, human as torchjqn: ·-.vaS: you say?
cai·rier, human as controller
jqs: Yes, •was.· She died
of that most powerful of the
of lung cancer last year.
four elements of nature
jqn: Doesn't that make you
jqn: Fire?
' ...
want to stop smoking?
jqs: Indeed. The power to
jqs: Why?
burn is the power to
jqn: Well, obviously because
destroy. Imagine it ...
a death in your family due to
unimaginable power! In
smoking should make you
1
addition, the cigar or
cigarette is a phallic symbol,
which reminds me of my
mother. She was a smoker,
too.
r'l
u
reconsider your own
smoking habit!
jqs: Smoking doesn't cause
cancer! That's a lie spread
by aliens!
chuck: Does anybody want
part of a tree trunk?
jqn: What!!??!
chuck: Now that I'm part of
this conversation it's a
_ trlalogue. I was just
asking. Pardon me. I guess
I'll be going.
jqs: Before you go, could
you settle one thing?
chuck: Sure.
jqn: After you sum up the
pros and cons, is smoking ...
cool?
chuck: Why, I believe that it
- - · [cough]
b'\ ~\.. ....\....:
~,L..,f-
�Random Ruminations on an Old Magazine: Holling Sto~ August .5
;Jy Ross Gohlke
One thing I can't stand is
)]d magazines. It doesn't
matter if I'm just biding time in
rhe john trying to beat my dad's
1 ecord for pages read on the pot
r trying to put myself to sleep
(my textbooks usually suffice
fo r that), old magazinesanything that's not the most
recent issue- just plain suck. So
why am I reviewing the August
5 issue of .l?o/lhlg Stom~an issue
with pages still devoted to the
"Lollapalosers Tour" '93?
Because I didn't even read that
article (not all of it) and
because I can . Also, it was a
Christmas present from a friend
back home who works in a
music store and got it for free.
So it has sentimental value.
My friend saved it for me
because of the Soul Asylum
cover story. "soul asylum,
platinum punks" is a pretty
good title (better than Time's
moniker: Tunesmiths) and the
a rticle is pretty good, too.
Have you ever noticed, though,
how
rock
magazine
interviewers always have to
concentrate on one member of
the group, even if the band
members say things like,
"We're a team. Everyone is
equally important"?
Dave
Pirner is in the middle of every
photograph, even the ones that
aren't just of him . I just don't
understand where this guy gets
off saying, "It is the interplay
of Pirner and Murphy that
defines the balance, that keeps
soul asylum pointed down the
highway." What about poor
old Karl Mueller, who started
the band, and Grant Young?
Don't they count? Well, I want
to forget about Dave and Dan
for a moment. I think that Karl
just (well. back befor:e August 5)
dumped his girlfnend of 1,3
years for Winona Ryder. Shes
not even that hot! (too
scrawny).
The article about Eden
(pronounced Eddin) Jacobowitz,
who got in HU GE trouble at U
Penn for ca\hng some people
"waterbuffaloes" and told
them to go to the zoo in an
attempt to make them be quiet
while he was studying, was
infromative and moving. They
Camera ham
~'
l read most of the album
.
but I don't feel I can be
review~.
h to criticize
objectwe enoug .
rm still
their music cnt1c1sm..
.
f
reeling from the m1ust1ce o
Automatic /or the People
getting classic status (five
stars[~ 0 *"]) when The fos/Jua
Tree, obviously the best album
in the past 20 years, only got
four stars (** 0 ) . I just don't
trust their music critics to be
objective. 1 should written
those reviews (even if I wasin
high sc h oo 1 w l1en U2 's
masterpiece came out).
There was an article about
k.d. lange, a "lesbian, feminist,
vegetarian canadian" country
music singer who has won "a
grammy and the hearts of
America"; but since I have
little practical knowledge of
this marginalized social
group- and because she didn't
capture my heart- I didn't
read it. Call me a biased
middle class white male
protestant from the heartland
(you'd be right), but ~ just d:dn't
want to read it.
And I didn't even consider
reading William Greider's
article about Bm Clinton. I've
never understood why a music
mag would stoop to the level of
talking about politics.
So that's my review. Hope
you liked it. I just couldn't
think of anything better to say
(what does that tell you?).
tumed out to be black girls With
extremely delicate racial
identities who pressed Speech
Code charges and hied to bring
Eden to his racist knees in
apology. The phrase "black
water buffalo" is defined as a
raciaJ epithet according to the - - - - - - J.l.~h- · universty's Racial Harassment
Iha ..~·· ) - ~ u a
Policy, and "H doesn't matter I
what Eden meant; what
matters is how the words were
interpreted. If the women's
feelings were hurt, then it's
racial harassment ."
Eden
thought this was all just too
Mueller and Grant Young are
cool. Sure, Dave has the really silly to be true, but he
eventually started to feel
cool hair, but Grant's the one
victimized and refused to
with the boyish good looks.
And even if Karl is butt-ugly, cooperate and went public. He
For many years our Money Drawing Buddha h~s
at least he doesn't have to get finally won the case, but not
drawn hundreds of dollars to those who believe m
someone else to play his ba_ss without considerable anguish.
his powers! If you rub his belly faithfully , he will
work his special magic to bring you all the money
when they record. (down wit~ He still stutters when he talks
you could ever need . He can be used in any Money
the SmAshinG PUmpKms .. ) about it.
Drawing ritual over and over agam.
M1142 ... . ................ . ..... · · · .$8.95
Besides, Dave's the one that
-----·
Col)
Q)
V>
0
0
...c:
u
C)
t'W")
s....
::J
0
t>O
c:
·-
>-.;. ~
Vl
s....
0
'-+--
....
"' Iii
::J Ill
:c
u
o<o
z :t 0
< N .,
...
!!! 0:
Ill
Ill
.., ... 0
> ::J
_, <
Ill 0
z
. _,
I.I.I
~
I.I.I
I.I.I
~-
z
<1:~
0
...
"z
...
, 0
•
••
..: ...
i
.'. .
.
0
•
0
.,!
•
" I~
~
w
.... ..... -
c
c
:IC
u
I
N"
z ..
S!
z
:>
0
•
!
,
""/"
... ,
:::~ i... _.:·,~. . .... ;-: ="· . .•
..
.:.-. ''A-. 1filiai> . · ~ .one~ .:
Bein
. .
s
.
,:·.
woman !nail se~m d
like it musta hap~~ne
. . . body else says
tosome
. '
. '
. 1 ·:"I'm into pl~y.1~
ChadrleY.: ' and not g1v1n
an ov1n
. adamnforthe
rest of my life.''
What Christmas means to me,
or,
Gertrude Stein please report to
the customer service desk we
ha\re found your prose poem on
c URS - ALL fuvj-Ust o. l? cni.t an lff Wt"°r .
THE
the holiday season
gelatin dessert
J;, .
BRAND
N[I WI 307
Money
CAh\l\oS-\- rt\JAt ~ 1-t-~
S~vt +o~ stu.++1~ fG.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy .
Warm fuzzy. Big meal. Warn:.
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Big meal.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Cool present. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Killer Mastercard bill,
spanning the next eight
months in the paying. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. A rose is still an onion.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Trim the tree. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
The Grinch. Yeah, that's it.
The Grinch. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
�Maybe So...
by Mike Augspurger
A rag like this
sometimes gets soaked
with pessimism. Cynicism
continually
smeared all over the
headlines. Wrong, wrong,
wrong. Everything has
problems which must .be
cleaned up. This article
however, will help to Wip~
the slate; no necks will
be wrung here, no
policies taken to the
cleaners. Rhodes may
not be as dirty as we
sometimes portray it
After all, it's mostly just ~
bunch of clean-cut
ivory-skinned kids tryi~
to get by in a washed-up
system. So, Cheers to
the signs that Tide may
be turntng:
lJ The International
Studies master's program
appears to be dead.
Never mind that it
supporters
ignore~
almost
unanimous
faculty opposition to the
program, never mind that
it seemed to be perverttn
the idea of a liberal art~
school, and never mind
that someone tried to
push it through on the
basis of a completel
unrealistic budget. 1 ~
the end, the committee
investigating its possible
~cepU_o!1 recognized that
u would cost four times
the proposed/ supposed
three million dollars, and
a faulty idea died.
2)
The MacLab
directors decided (for the
second or third semester
in a row) to stay open
until two during exam
week and the week and a
half preceding. No one
had even to complain.
3)
Both the Pikes
and the Kappa Sigmas
have gone out of their
"Don't Settle for less."
Will be common practice,
and Rhodes Will become
wa to visibly advertise, the grand ol' community
toy both males and which all of us want it to
females. on-campus open be.
arties this semester. 1
There you have it. A
~ member being told my completely optimistic
r!st year that most Gr~ article. Have a nice day.
arties were open to
p ampus· 1 soon resigned
c
1f to the fact that
~=~as true only in the
sense
that.
s~~·
professors have comp e e
Th b
academic freedom in the
e rew that's all bark, no bite!! classroom. Perhaps one
day this type of gesture
THE RAT'S ASS OFFICIAL STRESS TEST
(All questions adapted from the Stress Test in Briggs Student Center)
(answer al! questions "Grrectlv and honestly.)
1. Every night yoa find yourselfstudying after midnight- add 5pts.
2. If you drink alcohol or use tobacco to alleviate stress- add 5pts.
3. If you procrastinate on ciass assignments- add 5pts.
4. If you use time management skills- deduct 1Opts.
5. If you have a family that bitches at you- add 5pts.
6. If you decide to go watch a movie instead of finishing
that important paper- add 5pts.
7. If you are at least lOlbs. under or over your ideal weight- add 5p
8. If you have sex without any protection- add !Opts.
9. If you dropped out of two of your classes
this semester- add 25pts. and give yourself a pat-on-the-back
10. If you attend Wellness seminars- deduct 25pts
11. If you get up in the morning before 10 a.m.- deduct 20pts
12. If you don't get along with your roommate.-add !Opts
* Brou~ht to you by The R.A. Foundation for Wellness
Stress Test Score Chart
75-65: Good job. Your stress level is not affecting you.
65-50: 0.K.; You need to drop a class and have a beer.
50-35: Trouble. You need to re-evaluate your priorities.
35-0 : Emergency. Find the nearest gun and shoot yourself.
Death is better than the life you have.
Let falling knives fall. (Never
attempt to catch them!)
Nostalgia in advertising: Conipan~es ~ring back
the past to sell everything from sh1pp10g to soup
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 8, 1993, Volume 2, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1993
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 8, 1993. This Issue of The Rat's Ass was the "Special Holiday Issue!!" On the front page Charles Schafar tells a story in the name of pity. Ross Gohlke critics old magazines and how they have no relevance. All the while Clay Combs tells a beautiful Christmas poem. Mike Augspurger tells us why Rhodes isn't as dirty as we portray it on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Schafar, Charles
Gohlke, Ross
Combs, Clay
Augspurger, Mike
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/ca2203778543117d7a783f9b1bfbfc6a.pdf
81c094e17a4613f1f2747922a3c9c2dd
PDF Text
Text
De- c.. 1 +"' \,, St~ s \It.
J>y: chris brown
l'1
~ olI.I tr.~ ti
With the wipter solstice almost upon us
and the irm1ing of report cards that always
ensues during this blessed month, T thought
it wmild good for Rhodes not to he left out
of all the fun. lf you or your group
didn't receive a grade e-mail me and T
will issue you or your group one. All grades
given are hased on an impartial and
objective scale of merit.
Rhodes Student Government: F
Too conservative. You guys and gals
need to transfer to Bob Jones .
DOMINANT
The Book Store: f
The next time Tneed an over-priced
book, l'll make it a point to swing by.
LIFE
CHARACTERISTIC
LIFE
Mon
Mammol1
The Rhodes Student Body: D+
Too white, Republican , and, in general,
apathetic about everything.
The Rat Man: F
The Administration: F
This grade wac; given on a Pass/Fail bac;is .
Maybe the administration needs to be eva1uated
by the SIRs?
Bitch Slap!: C+
Good idea, but write something
worth reading.
Get a real cappuccino machine.
Reptiles
The Campus: A+
fhhH
Dick Slap!: F
Should be renamed Dicldess!
The Faculty: B
Overa11, an amiable group of
people who would like to have
a more academic-minded administration .
Amphibians
Invertebrates
Greek Organizations: F
..
You should spend your money
on better looking clothes instead
of buying your friends.
Primitive
Multicellular
form•
It's the squirrels.
Overall GPA: 1.5
The Rat: D
The food is just slightly
more bland than the student body.
Multiply this by 10,000 and you
have the magical formula for tuition . .
Unlcellulor
fo<m1
~
~
~
~
~
!!l1
�..\s
,
' .·
Q
·~!- '\
''•"\1
.
~---
..__
}
--
-
~
~
\
SONG #2
i
,f
.
-
.
.
--...._
-
--
..
. ~
~··
=· ,
' z ..
.:
February stared at the flourescent tube lights. His boss pointed a fat
\
finger toward him without a glance in his direction. "Pass me that dubbaya dee
forly, woodja."
February grabbed lhe greasy can and handed it to his greasy boss. He
'
wondered what "WD-40" meant. His boss sat on a stool by his workbench,
\
fin~ering an old door hinge L.houghtfully., His lhick thigh~ enveloped the s_ool on
t
wl11dl he sat and February tried not to lhink about where it went when he sat on
~~ '
-:; j
.:!!I
..~'
~
1
it.
1
The fat man mumbled lo himself as he contemplated the procedure that
would restore the door hinge lo all its former grandeur as a functional bit of
realily. The pipe he smoked dangled and danced wilh each syllable he muttered.
Smoke curled itself around his head like a cat securing a spot to sleep. February
hoped it would take the fat man a long time to fix the hinge. He thought he was
jusl finally starting to see that the flourescent lights really did flash several
limes each second.
And in a burst of handyman clarity, February's boss discovered the exact
spot on the hinge that required a deep blast of dubbaya dee forty. He gave
February a quick look to make sure he was not daydreaming, or what he liked to
call "being out in left field with lhe dodo's and the duo-duo's." February returned
the look quickly enough lo satisfy the moving mound - - a man. "Just makin sure
you was still with me kid, I'll be through in a sec, and I'll need your help with
some things."
February stared al the pipe dangling and dancing from between greasy
lips. He was watching closely when the burning red tobacco leapt out of the pipe's
smoldering bowl on the word "things" (fat man had always packed his pipe
poorly). Burning cherry careened directly into the thick spray of dubbaya dee
forly. The cool liquid immediately became a two foot flame that reached through
lhe air lo a rag hanging from lhe lip of a container on the greasy workbench. The
rag belonged lo an economy-sized coffee can of gasoline, and immediately
introduced the burning tongue tu its can's contents. February just had time tu cover
his head before lhc fal man's side was fried. February turned lo watch him hit
the ground. His jowls convulsed and slapped the floor. Smoke slowly slid from his
burnt face and torso and crawled slowly into the air. Fat man was burned to a crisp. ,
February grimaced, walked tu the dour, and out tu lhe street.
jay witherspoon: james ·brown
chris brown: miles
martin fox: 'trane
dave sears: bird's heroin dealer
stay ioviall: minqus
Reigndear
by stay jovi111I ..
Don~er arched his chin back
toward his tail, peering at the cold stars.
Beside him walked Blitzen, and both
were indifferent to Prancer trailing some
ways behind. Giving his antlers a little
shake, Donner turned to Blitzen and
asked "At the most fundamental level,
what is disease?"
Blitzen flared his nostrils, white
breath making a sort of halo around his
nose, "Sumpin's wrong wit an organism,
bein' bad fer it, it's gotta dizease."
Donner stopped and dug his fore
hoof into the hard frosty dirt. "I cannot
agree. [t seems to me that diseasecausin g micro-organisms are simply other
species just struggling to live, seeking
self-preservation and -perpetuation." He
leveled his eyes at Blitzen, who had
paused to listen. "When one considers
the relativity of the situation, we are
merely ecosystems. A reindeer or elf
supporting the life and well-being of a
destructive virus does not have something
wrong with him or her, but has merely
become an environment-in-flux."
Prancer trotted up. "Ooooooh,
yeah, right baby, and now I suppose
you're going to say something like 'And
from one possible perspective, one can
view us as a disease being supported by
the planet, which we are making ill, and
which is trying to cure itself of us by its
antibodies which we refer to as harmful
bacteria and viruses."' Prancer pranced
about, batting a low-hanging hemlock
branch with his antlers.
Blitzen snorted, and Donner said
.uothing. Prancer chortled madly and
went on. "Disease is something we've
. en trained to believe is natural by the
. ~ever malicious scientists running world
politics! Disease is the three-degree
nonentity caught in the turning lane o .
"
time by the oncoming traffic of entr~
He reared up on his back legs and yipped
insanely in the still night air. A startled
owl took flight. "Disease! Dis. Ease!
Disease created us! We are a state Qt
disease in the universe, which is a"iate
of disease in reality! Being diseased is a
disease of disease!"
Prancer stopped, panting. 'The
night was strangely still. The reindeer
went on in silence.
�\ ..
:;.-
.
v-~h·
- ~
,,,
.
il.
;. ~:
.
N" Perhaps, someday he VJill
· ihe
,~ · try to take a c\ose, intense
\ighthouse w\\\ remain
look at the ho\es, and
. untfill~ ·
decide that he should
ihis parab\e c\ear\y
arrange an expedition
explains changes in thE
equipped with cosmetics
i state of the gothic
and name-producing
devices to make their way \ p\ayground.
into the ho\es. \t may be
the case that he will
. himself choose to \ead the
1
.
,,.
!•.
",
'
I
expeditio~t \~~fil . ; ·.·
serve as mascot to it in
order to inspire and give
himself something to do
once he has tired of his
duties as lighthouse
What we are doing is
keeper. It might come to
writing these words, which
pass that he will bring his
relate to the words you
optical toys in hope that
are reading. Reading
they will be of service to
these words causes us to
him in the holes.
keep writing these words
Possibly, he could
that you are reading.
pretend to draw
Words read are written for
conclusions from these
causes we keep writing.
observations to prove to
C~uses for reading are
the expedition that its
wntten. Relations of
mission was righteous
writing read writing.
and their moral duty. It is
Which is what we're
a distinct chance that he
doing. How about
will do this so that they
another allegory?
would build him altars,
There's still a lighthouse
doorknobs, and palaces
keeper, who keeps a
full of jocund beekeepers.
lighthouse unlit. There
Maybe, these things will
are still sub-commitees.
come to past, allowing
The keeper still has large
him to achieve his goal of
collections of optical toys
turning the optical toys in
which distort. Everything
on themselves, giving
else is different.
.
distortions with infinite
Holes have developed,
recursion.
and the populace has
ihere is also the
begun to wonder about
possibility that he will be
them. Occasionally,
swallowed up by holes,
someone investigates too
and never heard from
closely and doesn't come
again. If this is the case,
back. Legends proliferate
he will receive a
and are fed to the
promotion from the sublighthouse keeper, who
committee, and have a
~as recently taken a great
plaque announcing that
int
in the holes.
he had lived
I
\
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspapers
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 7, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 7, 1995. This issue of The Rat's Ass was the Christmas issue. On the front page Chris Brown gives his end of the semester report card of Rhodes, and the grades aren't something to write home about. Jhay Witherspoon brings up February and it's boss. Stay Joviall also talks about Reigndear. On the last page Xaft Minor says how words lead to more words which lead to us reading words.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Xaft Minor, Fox Martin
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ea22e3ba47f3479a6db7dbf534ed736.pdf
46e5ff34d30416611af4b0725c98fa2f
PDF Text
Text
fozes
t newspapers at
tliis table"
•
p·
nday 27 August 1993 V 1
o ume 2 Number 1
l
Exclusive Back-toClay's Column
by Clay
Did Somebody Fart?
Scenario: You're sitting
in the Rat after hours. It's
really quiet. You're talking
with some of your new chums
about your high school days,
how those days now seem so
far away, how you're a little
excited and a little scared about
starting out all over again in a
new environment. You share
fears and hopes. You confide
in each other. You accidentally
fart
"Did somebody fart?" asks
one of your new soulmates.
"I don't know, uh, I mean,
I didn't hear anything," you
say.
"Don't look at me," says
another new soulmate. Pause.
"Hey," he or she continues in
your direction, "you did it,
didn'tyou? You farted."
Moment of truth. Or not?
Now, 'fess up. You ain't
gonna tell nobody. You're just
going to lean back in that
wooden chair and deny the
whole thing. Make up some
trash about your chair
squeaking (your wooden chair)
or your stomach growling or
something. Fact is, everybody
knows you farted. You, God
and everybody.
You might as well just
@
0
.th it but we have
come out w1
, of getting
these little ways.
playing
d the s1tuat1on,
,_,._A
aroun.
d letting everyuvuY
sheepish an
they make a
ook when
off the h
get down to
f When you
gaf e.
od farts, makes
it, someb y d him or her
'--Ay aroun
everyovu
ff scot-free.
d gets o
suffer, an
but it can get
Seems harmless.
· es
ridiculous someum '
pretty
r.
C..."-1
00
V
but to the written documents as
they come down to us in this
century. Is it now illegal to
dissent in America? Is
\~
All in favor ofAfigures
say ...
.
'
$ue·
~\ ':)_~.
male with a goatee and glasses.
hat means all women,
nonwhites, eagle-eyes and
clean-shaven types are outta
here. And I have a mole on the
inside of my right forearm.
Guess what that means.
Somebody's farting, folks.
Either we'll giggle giddily and
let it pass or we'll call 'em on
it. Until we start being a little
more honest about things, it's
gonna stink around here.
euoMk
and we all just play along.
A couple of days ago, for
example, I heard a story on the
radio about a town whose city
council had voted to stop
government funding for the arts
because a local theater had
staged plays with homosexual
themes.
The reporter
interviewed several people who
were pleased with the vote,
applauding the council's nod to
"community standards," which
the people implied to be
roughly analogous to Christian
beliefs. Fart.
Is anyone concerned about
the legal rights of the few? I
refer not to the nebulous
Enlightenment-era-natural-lawbased rights our pioneering
politicians may have advanced,
Rat's Ass Proclaimed
Holy Writ
~
thinking
yourse.if
tantamount to forfeiture of
civil privileges?
If so, install me in office.
I'll use my rhetorical powers to
disfranchise anyone I want.
Since Cobb County GA is
taking
care
of
the
homosexuals, I'll leave that to
them. I'll set right to work on
other pesky, troublesome
groups who "threaten" my way
of life simply by not being
me. Let's see-I'm an Anglo
In a controversial move
Thursday,
the
pope
declared the Rat's Ass to be
"holy writ, straight from
the mouth of the Lord."
Biblical scholars have
already jumped into the
ring, one notable academic
countering, "This is just
another Shroud of Turin."
An international team of
acclaimed experts and
college-age deadbeats is
being gathered to conduct indepth research into the
mystery.
Donations will
supply all funding. hint.
by c schafer
�[k,.,r;8~)
' ~0 ,',
I v,,.
l __
J
!~ ;· } ' ,.
1
hf/¢:/
) .i
'(
;, \? ,,
~
~
~i
~~
.,...,
(()
(/J
IJ,J.,
,, {;? "
(()(()
J.,f/J The following are excerpts (due to limited space) from President Daughdrill' s "Report to the Board of Trustees," dated
'a April 15, 1993, and distributed to the faculty (but not to any students) around April 22, 1993:
...Growth has been the paradigm we have followed at Rhodes during the 20 years I've been here .
But the economic winds affecting higher education are shifting dramatically ...And what this means for Rhodes is that
we can no longer expect smooth sailing with a strategy based squarely on growth-- on increasing the numbers of students,
the number of services and staffing we offer and the corresponding amount of tuition we charge ...
We must...change the way we do business ...to. be one of the nation's best colleges of liberal arts and sciences .
... As I said at the January Board meeting, I think our chief focus must be on "affordability." By that I mean "furnishing
value for the price." If we are perceived as providing high value for the cost, we will be perceived as affordable.
I believe the most reliable indicator of affordability will be the disposable income of Rhodes parents. Therefore, we
will try to project our future tuition increases as close as possible to the disposable income rate of Rhodes parents ....
The old adage "what gets measured gets done" is largely true .... Now I want to change some of the ways we keep score.
For instance, we have talked about student-faculty ratio on the assumption that the lower the ratio the better the education.
We have talked about student services on the assumption that there was no end to the on-campus services for which students
were willing to pay. These traditional assumptions served us well during traditional times. But the wind has shifted, and I
want to measure not how many professors and staff we can hire per student, thus driving up costs (sic); I want us to start
measuring our productivity.
The measurements that we have deemed important in the past have resulted in our wanting more faculty, more staff,
more books, more release time, more cost, and more tuition. I want to change our incentives so that we will achieve more
productivity, better use of technology, lower costs per student, and lower tuition increases.
I have asked Executive Vice President Harlow to appoint an advisory task force of faculty and administrators to
recomment a division of our merit salary plan that will recognize productivity and cost-saving measures in addition to
teaching, scholarship, and service. We should have this new weighting in place by December of this year.
To ensure that this redefinition will accomplish our new goal of increased value in addition to excellence, we are
putting a cap on hiring both faculty and staff beyond the present number, while projecting a growth of ten students per year.
We will hire only to replace present faculty and staff (Italics added).
How do we achieve productivity? Part of the answer lies in expanded and innovative use of the latest technology. One
of the criteria we will use in purchasing equipment will be "how does this purchase increase productivity in serving our
students?" Measuring productivity may also mean that faculty and staff will be rewarded for increasing efficiences, cutting
cost, and more efficient use of equipment and technology. Clearly it means that each of us must find ways to deliver
excellence without adding more faculty and staff to get the job done. Increased technology and efficiency can enable us to
provid quality and personal attention to our students, but without large tuition increases ....
.
I
'
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
~ ·~
.
.
.
..
courts? )
ff iciencY
call for :rne
d Raquetball
A
Don't Nee
(Maybe we
b,·
...
,~, ,
f_f, k75j/~',j7C"/'
purpose of these two courses was
to have twenty-eight people read
a series of difficult texts, listen
to a professor tell us about the
significant symbolism and
imagery , and move on, the
classes succeeded. But if we were
supposed be taught how to think
through an idea and close read a
fictional text, I'm afraid we were
sorely misserved . I'm also afraid
that President Daughdrill doesn't
understand this.
In his report, Daughdrill
moves on to announce-- bidden
within two and a half pages of
amorphous phrases such as
"traditional times," "increasing
have to teach and make happy a~
many students as we can."
Individual attention is in effect
being discouraged. Who will
teach a direct inquiry, or a small
upper level class in an intense
subject, when it will only
decrease their salary and their
chance at tenure? Mathematics ,
physics,
and
philosophy
professors will be doomed before
they begin. The liberal arts and
diversified study will disappear
at Rhodes.
(In an unrelated thought (?),
this policy also effectively
silences the heavily-supported
faculty petition asking that
former Dean of Academic Affairs
Harmon Dunathon be reinstated
James Daughdrill said at an
"Ask, Talk, and Tell" session in
the Rat last spring that bis
function as President was chiefly
a fund-raising one; be left the
academic decisions to the deans
and faculty- an appropriate
position for a successful
businessman who bas not spent
significant time in a classroom
since be finished graduate
school.
So the question arises :
why, in his Report to the Board
of Trustees, does the President
appear to be single-handedly
changing the direction of the
Rhodes classroom? If Rhodes
needs to cut costs (which is
VIBRA-Barbel/
admirable), why are these cuts
~~':,~~t~~ a b~~bell, becau se
being made in areas the faculty
exercis e apPii~ n~= ~~ 71 ~ ~.n l~ ,
feels to be most important?
~ends a glori o u s tin gle fr~ ~l .
ead to to e with evf!ry motio n
Daughdrill writes in the
: •• m ak~ s yo u feel exhil arat ingly ali ve a// o ver!
report that he wants to "change
the way we keep score . For productivity .. . of the faculty," $4450
instance, we have talked about and "innovative use of the latest .,h M " " ' "
student-faculty ratio on the technology" -- that "we are Wl ag1c Pad
assumption that the lower the putting a cap on hiring of both
Ju.1tclip on the '' J.fagic Pad"
a nd '?ouage away bulges:
ratio the better the education." faculty and staff beyond the
eaa1t lt~d •pot3, F eels good!
The implication is that this present
number,
while as a Chemistry professor. But
assumption is no longer correct. projecting a growth of ten that is another issue.)
. .
No reason for this change in students per year." In other
Making such dec1s10~s
perception is given.
b0 ut the teacher-student ratio
words, thirty people will be in
k ' d of
Last semester, I had two that English class next year, and a
surely requires some m
English discussion courses-- one maybe thirty-one or two the year "alternate"
measure
of
a 300 level course-- with over after that.
excellence. Daughdrill proposes
twenty-five people in each. I
This
move
towards that the answer ~o .more
haven't had over twenty people "efficiency" is also being
"efficient" education hes m the
in an English class since the calculated into teacher's salary
"latest techno 1ogy " -- . new
.
ninth grade. Does this hinder increase and tenure formulas . As
.
eqmpment · "One of the cntena
.
the educational process? If the one professor commented, "We
·11 use in purchasing
we w1
.
. ment will be 'how does this
equip
. . .
urchase increase productivity m
P
serving our stu den t s ?"' Is .be
.
.
referring here to the $1 7 nulhon
Ruthie Stevenson, Manlbeddeder
...;:;;:,.~--- - --1
How will a computer explain the
intricacies of Paul Tillich or late
developments in the Middle
East? The frightening fact is that
Daughdrill has no solid idea
which will counteract the loss of
faculty-student contact. In most
of the liberal arts , nothing can
take the place of individual
attention; this is one of the
~uths which has made colleges
like Rhodes so attractive.
The ultimate problem with
~resid.ent Daughdrill's viewpoint
hes in the opening of his
speech. "If we are perceived as
providing high value for the
cost, we will be perceived as
affordable " (Italics added) .
Daughdrill is a fund-raiser, not a
scholar. To him, and the people
he deals with, the difference
between 12: l and 15: l is slight.
To the serious student and the
professor,
it
is
very
considerable. To Daughdrill, a
Campus Life Center impresses
visitors. To a student and a
professor, it makes an afternoon
game of racquetball a little more
pleasant.
business
approach
A
towards growth has brought
Rhodes to national prominence
over the last twenty years. The
goal now must be to make
Rhodes the most effective center
of learning possible. It is time
for the students and faculty-- the
scholars-- to take Rhodes
· ~ College back as their own .
What other campus publication
would miss Seinfeld to bring
you hard copy the first Frida
of school?
Y
Mike Augspurger, Editor Scluneditor
Clay Combs, Predator Editor
Brian Dixon, Predicate Editor
Jeff Gadomski, Etiquene Editor
Pat Garrett, Methereditor
Julie Meiman, Wetabeditor
Chuck Shaffer, Fetacheddartor
____
Campus Life Center ? I w d
·
on er.
Rhodes alr
.
eady has a top of the
1me comp t
u er system and
language lab. Where
next? H
.
do we go
·
·
ow will " technology"
improve that English class ?
That's what we thought!
When it comes time for
our crack Allocations Board to
hold their annual convention in
Atlantic City, just remember
who loves ya, baby.
·Eun foY people who hat
-~e
.
mountains
�The Memphis Nationalist:
Over Easy Please
by Brian Dixon
GUARAN;~E;dO~ft;~a;;~t;HUNDED
\
lJ..~;.f)~
1.·~~
Supp-hose·
In a time when our
culture seems to pride itself on
attending to almost any issue of
discrimination that can be
constructed to exist by our
overactive minds, there seems to
my mind to be a fairly
significant one that has yet to
issue forth from the issue
here. You may be thinking to
factory: the olfactory issue. I
yourself that this is an extremely
have a personal stake here; I do
artificial problem for me, a
not bathe on a particularly
problem that I could easily
regular basis . I assure you,
remedy by s~owering daily. I
faithful reader, that it is not the
could do so. But where is the
artificiality in this situation?
unusual occasion upon which the
comer of my eye detects the
Certainly my odor is natural. Of
subtle nodding of heads or a
course, we have to Jive close
vulgar
sneer
meant
to
together here on this college
communicate ungentle feelings
campus,
so
abandoning
ourselves completely to dirt and
about my odor. This troubles me
and strikes me as unnecessarily
perspiration is impractical.
judgmental; that is, a negative
However, bathing fully every day
judgment is applied to me solely
is a fairly uncommon custom
because I carry the natural odor of
worldwide and the American
sweat Now there may be those
obsession with the daily rinse is,
among you who are already
by and large, the exception to
finding fault with my complaint · the rule. Surely, departures from
this standard should, within
reason, be viewed with tolerance.
If it is not acceptable to make fun
··· of a person's dress or lifestyle,
we can certainly refrain from
meeting variant hygienes with
upturned noses.
by charles schafer
- o:yo1?- make
D
these
common
mistakes
With the term dinner
shamelessly interchanged with
lunch, meal terminology can
be a source of great
consternation. Liberals, like
that vixen Susan Sontag,
argue that this breakdown of
ambiguous language is
necessary for a modem society,
that the rules governing the
amalgamation of low and high
culture should also apply at
the table.
I find great comfort
that no one has similarly
attacked breakfast. For now,
there is a consensus that
breakfast should be called just
that. In this we can rejoice
because the power of a good
breakfast is staggering and
unchallenged. A well done,
and I don't mean overdone,
breakfast sets the tone for a
day offering · limitless
possibilities. Poorly executed,
breakfast leaves- a bitter
disposition and a longing to
return to bed. Speaking to
liberals on the campus and the
morally bankrupt everywhere,
I realize that this is not
necessarily a negative quality.
Nonetheless, breakfast, good
or bad, is the best way to start
the day - with food.
For the most part, the
RAT provides a decent
breakfast, especially if you
drink the sometimes stout
coffee. There are, however,
several other well appointed
breakfasts to be found in the
City.
Offering down home
southern fare, Ferguson's is
perhaps the most familiar
breakfast joint to Rhodesters.
A weekend visit will usually
find one or two students
I
enjoying fried eggs (over easy
please), sausage (patties
preferred) and biscuits slathered
in milk gravy. Ferguson's
specialty is country ham and
red-eye gravy, a concoction of
ham drippings and coffee, and
offers such delicacies as
country hash and pork brains.
Ferguson's uniqueness,
though, is not the food, but its
steadfastness. The restaurant
is, and has been for several
decades, located at 3171
Summer A venue. The sign
out front. Its real. The swivel
stools at the counter. Real.
Stepping into Ferguson's is
like stepping into the 19.SO's,
an era of innocent confusion.
Lunch may have been dinner,
but it wasn't because of some
modern liberal mambo jambo.
The
Barksdale
Restaurant, located on Cooper
near Peabody, offers much of
the same menu found at
Ferguson's.
The main
difference is the atmosphere.
Where Ferguson's is stylized,
the Barksdale is plain and
simple. Unless, of course,
you consider the celebrity
portraits that line the walls.
Some are well known and
some are, well, obscure. Once
again, however, the hand of
the wicked liberal is present.
Professional wrestlers and
athletes share the wall of fame
with country singers and soap
stars, in a confusing
intermingling of society's has
beens, never beens, and once
weres with the who's hot.
What better place for this
confusion to happen than a
restaurant which probably
serves dinner when they should
be serving lunch. Don't fret.
Just grab a biscuit and enjoy
your breakfast. No one is
trying to call it what it isn't.
Yet.
HOMEWARD BOUND
r
Guard against
SEA 'SICKNESS
l\10THERSILL'S
INVALUABLE,
SEA- SICK
IT
REMEDY
POSITIVELY
IS
PREVENTS
0
... about '~~iskey?
&.
cuRES' · SEA~ AIR. &:
TRAIN
SICKNESS
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 27, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from August 27, 1993. A headline reads "Exclusive Back-to-school Issue!" Clay Combs writes about farts and honesty. Excerpts from President James Daughdrill's "Report to the Board of Trustees" are published alongside a response by Mike Augspurger. Brian Dixon and Charles Schafer fill the back page with opinion pieces. This is the first full-sized issue in the collection with four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Brain Dixon, Charles Schafer, James Daughdrill, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, Ruthie Stevenson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/800a52c4d59e63477c7a0c445099d2a8.pdf
e2a2f8f77cf52e7bab959b20e048f8f5
PDF Text
Text
· 1
as~
WHAT'S GOIN' DOWN
WITH
RHODES
PLAYPEN, EST. 1848
by martin fox (with
Stay
Jovi~I)
I The door swung open.
Promptly it shut once more.
111is of course, had nothing to
do with what was at hand.
What was at hand was a matter
of you noticing this peice of
paper and reading this far.
Which of course was
the introduction to what is now
at hand. (That of course being
this peice of paper. You picked
it up for whatever reason, saw
that it was called the "Rat's
ASs", perhaps you were
curious. It doesn't really
matter).
What really matters is
a matter not merely of matter,
but a matter of anti-matter.
That is, we wish not to discuss
some tangible matter per se,
but a matter of what is SAID
about certain forms of matter. .
.namely human beings and
institutions of so-called higher
learning.
.
~
be wammg them of.
The ~
authorities organized some PR J
campaigns, and appointed a
sub-commitee to study the problem.
After a few years,
.someone suggested that they
talk to the keeper of the
lighthouse, and took the proper
steps to register for a
consultation with him. The
keeper was suprised by a
visitor, but quickly resumed
studying the intricate patterns
created when toys are being
examined by the distortions of
lens and mmors.
He
occassionly jotted down notes
of impressions seen, dressing
them with empathy and
' motivation. The man from the
sub-committee waited around
for a number of minutes before
he cleared his throat, and began
asking, in a tenative and
officious manner, about the
wrecks that had occured.
How
allegory: There was a lighthouse keeper who built a
protective tower, but grew tired
of building and didn't put in a
light.
Perhaps he became
overly engrossed in his
collections of hand-crafted toys
and
obscure
optical
For whatever
instruments.
reason, a light was never
installed, and a fair number of
ships crashed onto whatever
the lighthouse was supposed to
"Oh, the ships. Yes, I
thought I heard a bit of timber
collapsing, somewhat masking
th~ screams.
I didn't really
think much of it. l think I read
somewhere that seafruing is
sort of a risky business.
Excuse me though, I wa<> bu~y
researching."
The
sub-committee
representative didn't really
k~ow how to respond, so
di~'t.
He'd done his
~s!~ment
by
officially
v~sttmg, and wanted to get to
his plastic home early.
The autho1ities put the
statement on file. Since this
file was protected from those
who might misuse it, only l
person had access to it. For
extra security, this person was
locked in a padded cell and not
allowed contact with t11e
outside world.
A feature story in the
next issue of TI1e People's
Voice spoke of the auth01ities'
successes in the campaign to
make the island's coasts safor.
That, in the rnost
succinct of nutshells, is exactly
the matter at hand. One must
simply look about at the gothic
buildings, the smiling happy
students, the real sense of
COMMUNITY and FAMILY
here at Rhodes College in
order to confirm the utter
and veracity of this
The Rat's Ass is an open forum
for rhodes college students to unkink
their dreadlocks, unthink their buttocks
and get things off their chests. All
'
opinions expressed herein are strictly
those o~ th~ thieauthor, so don't slam us (or me, at
least) with hbel suits. All submissions
will eventually be published. Or
something.
�PERHAPS YOU 'VE
PASSIONATELY GENERIC .
l O TICED THE FRESHMAN
LASS .
WITH A LIMITED
PERHAPS YOU
IAVEN ' T .
APPLICANT POOL, THE
THEY BLEND IN
"DIVERSITY" OF THE CLASS OF,_... .
' ERY WELL, TOO WELL FOR.
HIS RHODENT'S TASTES .
IT'S
IOT EVEN SO MUCH THAT THEY
l ESEMBLE THE SOPHOMORES,
JUNIORS, AND SENIORS, IT'S
I HAT THEY RESEMBLE EACH
To A STRIKING
J THER .
l EGREE .
·~AKES
ALL THIS SIMILARITY
ME VERY NERVOUS .
AcTUALL Y, RHooEs
: HANGED THEIR ADMISSIONS
'"' OLICIES THIS YEAR .
THIS IS
r HE FIRST YEAR THAT
!\OMISSION TO THE COLLEGE
'99 IS ASTONISHINGLY LOW
(SURPRISE, SURPRISE, NO
ONE SAID RHODES WAS KNOWN
FOR ITS DIVERSITY) .
STUDENTS WHO THINK, DRESS,
AND TALK ALIKE .
M EANING THAT ADMISSIONS
M UMMY AND DADDY MAKE
B EFORE THEY DECIDE IF BABY
C AN COME .
THIS PRACTICE
U SED TO BE AGAINST THE LAW
( IT SOUNDS LIKE A FORM OF
DISCRIMINATION) BUT THE LAW
C HANGED, AND NOW IT'S A
PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
BEHAVIOR, LEGALLY SPEAKING .
THE PROBLEM IS THE
A PPLICANT POOL GETS
S MALLER . THEY CAN TELL US
ALL THEY WANT TO THAT
F INANCES REALLY DON'T
MATTER IN CONSIDERING A
S TUDENT FOR ACCEPTANCE,
B UT IF YOU BELIEVE THAT,
YOU PROBABLY DESERVE A
RHODES DIPLOMA .
AND l'LL
L EAVE YOU TO PONDER THE
RESULTS OF A SHRINKING
APPLICANT POOL (THINK OF
DARWINISM, GENE POOLS) .
fHE STUDENT BODY IS
C HANGING, AN EXPANSION OF
T HE CAMPUS'S COMFORTABLE
PASSITIVITY, A DISCERNIBLE
S HIFT TOWARD THE
THEY MAY BE TAKING
ALL THE MONEY THAT COMES
l'M
INTO THE SCHOOL (ANO THAT'S
BEGINNING TO SUSPECT A
PLOT
QUITE A LOT) AND BUILDING A
TO FURTHER INCREASE
BETTER, LESS IRRITATING
HOMOGENEITY ON CAMPUS.
CLASS GUARANTEED TO
AND I'M GETTING
PROMOTE A SANITIZED, SAFE
UNCOMFORTABLE .
' IAS BEEN NON-NEED-BLIND .
0 ETS TO SEE HOW MUCH
WAS IT
GREAT MINDS THAT THINK
ALIKE, OR SMALL ONES?
IMAGE OF RHODES .
IT COULD BE A
LIFE!
SOMETHING INCUBATING IN
ALWAYS LAUGHS AT THE
FOR YEARS (WHICH WOULD
VIEWBOOK .
EXPLAIN THE DEPARTMENT'S
NOTICED THOSE PICTURES
RHODES GROW IN STATURE AS
LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY
I
ACCURATE .
WE MUST STOP THESE
ARTS COLLEGE IN THE SOUTH .
EXPERIMENTS, STORM
AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE
FRAZIER-.JELKE AND DISCOVER
WORKING IN THE BIOLOGY
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON IN
DEPARTMENT REPORTS, "IT'S
THAT UNDERGROUND SCIENCE
POSSIBLE, THERE'S
CENTER, FINO THE WILD SEEDS
STOREROOMS THAT YOU JUST
IN THE CLASS OF
CAN'T GO INTO, UNLESS
AND KAREN
"MACKIN MAMACITA" HUEZO,
BIOLOGY MAJOR, SAID
"CLONING IS ENTIRELY
You KNOW,
RHODES IS ONE OF
I 7
UNDERGRADUATE SCHOOLS
'99 AND
PLANT THEM WHERE THEY'LL
YOU'RE SOMEONE REALLY
POSSIBLE .
AND WALKING
AROUND CAMPUS TODAY, I
GENEROUS BUDGET) TO HELP
SPECIAL .
THE ONLY PROBLEM
WITH THAT IS, EVERYONE
THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT
MBA-ORIENTATED LIBERAL
THEY'RE
BRINGING THE VIEWBOOK TO
CLONING EXPERIMENT,
THE MOST CONSERVATIVE,
Ul
Q)
c
GROW (HOPEFULLY AWAY FROM
THE RAT).
BEFORE THE
POWERS IN HALLIBURTON
TOWER START EXPERIMENTING
ON CURRENT STUDENTS,
ALTERING OUR MINOS TO MAKE
US FIT, TOO .
THAT OFFERS A COURSE ON
MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES, SO
IT WOULDN'T BE A LONG JUMP
FROM THERE TO THINK THEY
WERE CLONING STUDENTS
TOO ."
~
~
~
•'-'
.JUST A
400
GLANCE REVEALS
Here is a user-friendly guide to
the Rhodes campus for all the new
faces, and for those of you who
successfully used the summer to
black out all memories of our fine
campus .
Rhodes is an exotic place, full of
strange people, mysterious secret
passages , and a history that would
make Edgar Allen Poe horny .
Palmer Hall, that stately building
with the tower, was buiilt on a
Cigarette machines, candles.
Confederate graveyard. And on a
incense, loud parties, and condom
certain exterior wall of the New in the future.
machines are extinct.
Robinson dorm complex, a
friendly hrown s4uirrels . white male
de mented stone mason stuck a
For a list of things so common
administrators , hlack groundskeepers ,
bas-relief head instead of a stone.
you migh_ not even notice them,
t
housekeepers , and cafeteria workers
Rhodes is populated with ghosts.
see Chris Brown's Welcome to
\)v.-S':< ~~
Ask one of the theater people
JD 's P lantatio11.
- unpleasant experiences in the ti
3 . office.
about McCoy's tale of horror, or
L- '- ""'~ ,t<......_"ehi
find your way through the attic of
- Asking yourself "whv classes have
Glassell to a hidden cubby hole
25 SIUd' ,, ·
with one student's final message of
· · en ..~ lllstcad o r
_
for incoming freshman .
- Greek Letters
despair scribbled on the wall. Girls
in Bellingrath have been known to
- very few parking places
~
wake up feeling the presence of
someone in their bed.
- " Rush Is Right" humpcr stickers i::: w
...... 2:!
But as interesting a place as
~b~
When I came in as a transfer student two
>- ~....;
- A lihrary with very few hooks
Rhodes is, there are certain things
0 "fili
years ago, I felt after going through the
-o ·a:;
that you won't see very often . We
o~
elementary-like orientation , which was
..c:._.
would like to call your attention to
~ llJ
llJ ..c:
supposed to "introduce" me to the college,
all of Rhodes' endangered species ,
-..c:
didn ' t live up to its well intended purpose.
Have Fun
"[~;
because if you see one of these on
iThinking hack on my orientation
and Gain
our fine campus, you better take a
experience, the deficiency I found with it
picture for posterity's sake.
was that it wasn ' t from a student's
pcrs pccti ve.
•minority faculty
•Jewish faculty
To correct this prohlcm , I have com piled a
• minority administrators
list of phenomena which any student comes
across in her/his experience al Rhodes
•women administrators
College . Also , you should sec Ross ~4:
• humpbacked whales
Gohlikc' s Endanxerecl Sp ecies List for a ~ · ~
ulty who feel secure
• untenured fac
good list of things you won ' t sec at Rhodes
in their jobs
College.
• homosexuals
~
•white-spotted owls
"¢ ~
• dinosaurs
1ca Cl
- Every month, a strange man enters tJlC rat
• people who use public
~~
trying to sell long distance for AT & T.
transportation
• supporters of school sports
- The wrong last name on the doors of professors'.
ER: No, the ph rase "eternal torment"
teams
does not appear in the Bible.
· See for Yourself •.. Make Your Own Decision
AND HEY, BOOM-BOOM'S NOT
HERE.
BooM?
WHE~E's BooM-
~
~
~
~,
'-i;>
.'4 '.":_rj
~
:3'
s:::! ,
.....,.
V'.l '
~
.......
-.
~··
t:::r
V"_l
1~ ~ ~ ~
Popul~ty!'}:~ j
~
j Fs
~t.~·~
.
,S
- Doesn't the Bib\e speak of
"etema\ tonnent"1
�W~"'tC..."' ~
@,, D..-. ""-CA
Th Felt- ()()y 7
I
The dark smelltender made
use of his unusually wise-looking eyes
(which any smelltender worth his salt
gains after night-in, night-out of
listening to memory-dazed smelljunkies spilling their lives to an
attl•ntive man across the counter - - the
man whose presence becomes somehow
ll•ss a part of the now and more a part
of that world which is . . . well, I'll
call it the Smellfunk.
He is a
confidant and a lover to lost souls who
take their haven in the immediacy of
the magic smell-o-ramas.) to glisten
across the bar at a young businessman,
still fresh from work in a sensible dark
suit and optically enhanced neckpiece. The man had a look on his face
which told the smelltender volumes
about the man's situation and his
thoughts. His job. ft was almost
always their job, the suits, that is. At
first, he was living in a dream,
l'CStatic at the ease with which he
opened the world before him and
stepped into a powerful position with
a powerful company. Oh, could he
play the game. The dark smelltende~
glistened across the bar, amused with
his psychoanalysis. He constructed a
that
was
not
wholly
grin
unbenevolent, and gently yet clearly
formed the words, "Pick your poison."
The
young
businessman
shuffled uncomfortably on the stool,
utterly conscious of the tag on the back
of his brand-naml' undl•rwt•ar and the
comml·nls he was sure to receive from
his wifr when she saw that he had
hl'l'll at the smell-o-rama for the third
lime this Wl'l'k. You sec, she always
k1ww. The smclltender noticed the
man's discomfort and set him at ease
with a heart-wrenching smile of
• kind1wss, then boomed, wholly too
loud considering the small distance
Lwtween the two, "Come on, boy, spit it
out."
"Early eighties, please.
want booming business. I want cocaine.
I want conservatism. Dammit, l want
Ronald
Reagan!"
The young
businessman had blurted the words
before he considered what the
-
smelltender might think. He had been led by
an amazing feeling of anticipation which the
.:> melltender was so fond of producing in his 1
customers (not without the aid of a small dab
of Eau d' Anticipation that he occasionally
dripped throughout the bar and sometimes just
outside the bar on windless days), to a state of
mind which made him completely forget his ..J-.,.-ll'±!:iictl~
position in every realm of his life and others,
that is, except that tag on his underwear and
the fact that he wanted more than anything
in life or death to enter Smellfunk, and to do it r.lll~lll
NOW.
The smelltcnder was in motion before
the man had finished speaking. He had
turned around to face row after row of
colorfully labeled and packaged bottles (the
creative marketing of which the businessman
would usually have mentally commented
upon, but not just now) and bent down to open a
Plumbing
USED CONDOMS Hundreds of
styles, colors, nb configs etc. Some
used only once. Convenient E Colfax
location.
by S.Joviall
" Help' "
wife cries to husband
--·
" I' ve dropped my small liberal arts college ~ BORED cou..hEGNE ~ 1~'u524 Hours
W
T o M eec You Rig t ow. a
d own the sink while washing my hands."
anc
""'~ 1
husband ambles in
/
~
fetches monkey wrench
)
'
crouches beneath the smk
/
empties the contents of the pipe:
) l4 '
"()
a 1975 nickle
a hairpin
17 antelope skulls
and a great sleepy black bear
"' )1.,,,1"J
J
the bear rubs his eyes
awakened from a long winter's nap,
sez "If you are looking for the
small liberal arts college,
you ' re too late, I'm afraid
..,.
it is already deep within the bowels of the plumbing. __
.>• i
~ ~- ·
R......,ToOonge
Emergency Lining •
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 23, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from August 23, 1995. On the front page Martin Fox and Stay Joviall discuss the matter of anti-matter. Ross Gohlke creates a user-friendly guide to Rhodes College. Chris Brown tells us his experience of being a transfer student. On the last page Stay Joviall calls for help!
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, Stay Jovial, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown, Dave Sears, Laurie Sansbury
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d41de7917e1cd6d525e487fba858c6a0.pdf
024707b13b9fe9daf73b8cdf49779121
PDF Text
Text
s
ASS STRENGTH
There's No Going to
Town in Bathtub, or,
How to Endlessly
Enjoy the Fracture of
Narrative.
b~ 1'\1'rtin
'FcJ(
~
Tomorrow's leaders
Edward Gorey's
phantasmagoria
consists of parodies of
Victorian children's
literature, adopting a
darker version of
Lewis Carroll's antididactic strategies.
His The Raging Tide:
or, the Black Doll's_
Imbroglio uses the
form of Choose-YourOwn-Adven ture children's novels in
which -the reader is
pn:~sented with a
degree of control in
linking passages
together through
directed pageturning.
1 one sciens
tific answer to that idiotic Freudian
mumbo jumbo .
are busy tonight
The form of
the text, then, is
potentially different
with every reading.
Each page consists of
a sentence _
ac-companied by two choices_
_and page-ilirectives
a._11d a drawing
illustrating the
action. Thus, if you
find Hooglyboo's
cramming Eighash
inside a vase elev€!",
you are instructed to
turn to 11,
continuing the
narrative. If, on the
other hand, all this
seems too terrible to
contemplite, you
turn to page 29,
send.ing_everyone
joyously to an early
grave and ending the
story. In some
readings, two to four
T·N·T
,,_ p 0 PC 0 RN
of the protagonists
will assault one
another with
domestic objects until
the end, with possible
excursions to the
Dogear Wryde
Topiary Gardens or to
illuminatory passages
on turnips and
prunes.
The control, in
the forms that Gorey
satirizes~ however, is
somewhat illusory,
an4.as_ is traditional
in children's literature, is designed to
impose codes of
''common'' sense._ and
morality ,-as death of
the reader (the ending of the narrative)
can result from
choices deemed
"wrong'~ by the
author. Gorey
subverts this by foregrounding the
manipulativness of
the genr.e and
pointing towards the
implicit codes-of
morality in the
choices offered. One
act of attempted
senseless violell€e
leads to another, with
little s€Ilse of order
other than_that
Linposed by the
reader's choices. The
implication, then, is
that such · systems are
arbitrary and
therefore without
--~ ,....,
.-
....... :
·-
,....
THE ENEMY
NOW
IF EUROPE AND ASIA1·
.
WERE LOST
-,
.
TOTAL POPULATION is ~O\\'. r.oushly h~·o to one in our fav or.
'°i
.
�·~
,.
.
~
...............
..
. ,,,,.,..-~ ,,,... /I
,
·" j
• / ,-/
/.,,..,
·
·· ·
· h Ross Gohlk_ ":
e
An Interview ~ft
./7 .., -·-r , ~ ..
-.-,,
.
-.
/7
.
~~
•
...,·.:;·~·
l<
Well, another school year
is underway, and you're a
senior, right?
R: Right.
r: I should mention that I'm
not conducting this
) interview because I
•. ·?:; personally find you very
D:a..: interesting, but you are a , ,.
-~ pretty visible person on .
1.,,. campus this year, not
-;' necessarily visuallyR: I live off campus, but I hav
a meal ticket.
r: What I mean is that
because of some of the
things you're involved in
this year at Rhodes our
readers might like to know
a bit more about you.
R: You have readers? ·
r: I know you are a
sometimes contributor to
the Rat's Ass. What are
some of your worthwhile · · -~ :i.
extracurricular activities? -~ '¥
R.: Actually I'm about the only _-:-'
· J.
good thing the Rat's Ass
·~!l\'
,:::has going for it this year,
.
..
but don't print that. I'm
,/
also an officer in the Wool '
Socks, Rhodes' only
/ _!!:::'~ ' ·
d
double barbershop quartet. r _ .
')
Maybe not for long. There ~
is a group of about 20 or
so young women forming
a group called the Silk
Stockings.
Obviously derivative and
doomed to failure with a
name like that.
What's wrong with being
derivative? Do you think
thatyour group is original? _ _ __,
Don't get me started on
the epistemelogical
problem of mimesis. I'm in
Contemporary Continental .
- - - ··
·- -·
IVER
.
~~
-·"'.'
1 ~~~~~o~;~:iEngiisli
concurrently.
Then you don't use big .
words that you don't
know the meaning of
yourself.
R: How do you know I
don't know?
Have you noticed how
often the word "you"
has come up in this
interview so far?
You started it.
Isn't this interview just
a weak excuse to force
your megalomaniac
over-self-important ~elf
onto the freshmen and
other unsuspecting
members of the Rhodes
community?
Actually, I was.going to
ask you the same
question. Incidentally
the Wool Socks are '
l~oking for gig_ _ any
s of
kmd. So while we're on
the subject, if anyone in.
your imaginary
.
audience has a' need for W"i -.
an over-talented, underworked double "
barbershop quartet,
they can send DECMail
to GOHSR. , ,;
The Rat's Ass does not
participate in· such
blatant displays of selfpro~~tion ~q free 2;:3· ::..gfift:ibtftV~
publicity.
COSMO TRON .. . 0
Your idealism would be .
~--~
admirable except that I r-~.
happen to know that
J;,r
you don't have anything ~. 7'
else to print this week. :':.i '
How do you know that? '.!"'
t :·
'
-
C~OS~l':IG i~ one ta~t~cal military_situation ~nto whi~h_an
·g;.• •k·
-.m~~~r ~-.;.
....
~r
~ACID
YOUNG ~~~~hi~~PERSONf~ ELECTRODE
Christina Huntington
0~~#
1)~.,..u.
Last Saturday morning, a strange thing
riappened. At about 1 I :20 that
morning, m toes slithered from under
v
.....-=,...... the covers to make their f1 rst contact
~-111 of the day with the little piece of
carpet by m bed. I was immediately
y
alarmed bv the sharp crunch I felt.
which brought to mind tt1e
haH-squished roach I had seen on tne
bathroom tile the night before. When I
drew m foot back , however. I didn't
v
ifind a six- legged v1sitor , but a small
\greenish fragment of something,
mavbe a shell. I kicked it out of the
way, figuring it was easier to let it.
bioCJegrade in some corner than to
actually pick it up When I walked
over to my sink , I pinched my fool
again , and this time bothered to study
what this annaying little thing was. It
turned out to be a piece of acorn. Later
I found another fragment lodaed in the
inch-thick sole of mv shoe like the last
kid hiding in a game of hide and seek. 1
Just left it there.
Three years ago, during my first
semester at Rhodes, I spent about 45
minutes of one wonderfully chilly dav
sitting outside with too little clothing
on. I was waitng for a friend with
whom I have long since lost contact.
but at the time we were close and he
was rn town. We had set a time for him
lto pick me up, but he was chronically
late, and even though I knew this. I
kept expecting him to drive up the next
minute. so I stood outside Bellinorath
in mv skirt and t-shirt inst~ of
running inside for a jacket. It would
only be a few more minutes, I kept
telling myself as my fingernails grew
steadily bluer. If I went back to m
y
room for even a minute, my friend
might drive up and, not seeing me
there, think he was in the wrong place
and leave. Besides, it was startino to
feel good out there. Something about.
that kind of cold can clear the mind,
m
ake you especially aware of
·38nsations, make you realize that you
are, in fact , alive. The air had that
fresh smell you notice in the fall , but
of radioact_ve onlv when vou first wal ~ outsidP """rl
i
would be dropped intcf the river, throwing out rolling mists
enemy cou_d spray which would destroY'·irtually all life within the mile circle sh own above.
l
!\o wonder th e;;e weddings are
more of a fa rce t han a reality and
n ever last.
Your picture of Janet Leigh and
Jerry Lewis is the mo;;t horrible, vulgar picture I h ave eYer seen in any
111agazine.
Least Favorite Pupil
rr s,..,,...,,ll)
it m
ade the shadows sharoer and
deeper. I think the thrnQ I noticed m
ost
that dav was that each time the wind
blew , it wouM ram dull orown acorns
They crackled against the pavement,
pricking m ears with their sound and
y
sometimes knocking agamst my head on
the wav down. It was as if it were
sleetina. I told m friend about it
v
when h-e finally got there. and he said
that the sairrels had probably been
throwing acorns at me. I thought he
was a little paranoid.
That little acorn fragm in my shoe
ent
told me som
ething. A week I've been
ll
noticing that they've started falling
aoain. I went home toc:tav , and when I
walked up m driveway' they were
y
crunching underfoot. The birds aren't
smging at night anymore. Pretty soon
the beetles will be crawling in to die.
Last vear , the Voorhies stairwell was
littered with little half-alive beetles.
They would crawl around for a little
while then just give up and sit there,
even if you poked at them. I eventually
gave up trying to make them keep
moving. It was fall, their time to die
So, what is my point in talking about
all of this? I guess it has som
ething to
do with the idea that som
etimes, small
things speak with more authourity
than one would expect. E though the
ven
heat is still beating the hell out of me
these days, I'm looking for those little
details that hold the promise of fall .
Looking out over the playground,
she thinks, He's been a bad boy again.
one cup flour
I w
as so cl ose .
two eggs
He deserves to be punished, again .
one cup mil k
So close.
one tsp. vanilla extract
Your cover of Janet Leigh is utterI should call his father.
ly disgusting.
one cup sugar
She might call Dad .
a pinch of sal t
But his father is never home .
preheat oven 350 °
But Dad is never heme.
..
_..
\,
FANTASTIC WEAPONS
StaffB~
D. Ghosh
R. Gohlke
J. Oliphant
C. Huntington
M. Fox
J. Stovall
C. Schafer
My blo od pressu re hasn't returned
t n n;1nn;i\ ..: i11r1•
~('Pill~ J a ne1 LPi!!h's
Bengali Bruiser
Cogent Boy Wonder
Barney's Bane
Sangria Christy
Vulpine News Hound
Muscular Dystopia
Sans Cerebrum
W
aterproof Plug
Automotive Plug
�Movie Review
A couple of weeks ago i went to see a
:1ellow drama at the orpheum. It was
hat movie, umm, easy rider, and i
bsolutely hated it. It was funny,
nough. I liked natural born killers.
Restaurants of Midtown
I had better not name this restaurant
•
ecause i fear lawsuits like the plague.
\nyway, it is in midtown, i was there
he other day, and i saw a roach. It was
·ery very disgusting. I will say,
hough, that the food was good. Quite
ood.
Memphis Night Life
Pool is fun and there are some good
estaurants. Reading is fun but you can
o that in any town or city. Or rural
rea.
The People
It's like anywhere, i guess; some
oeople are nice, some are pretty mean.
m pretty normal so i don't have to
lke a lot of sh-t.
Other Things
I for one am having great difficulty
·ying to find good criteria that
istinguish art and science from each
ther. I feel that art probably means a
rocess we don't understand because it
; so complex or is obscured by blights
f ignorance in the fabric of our
:iphisticated but certainly not
ltimately sophisticated conceptual
:ameworks. So really I think that
oing art and doing science are the
ame except that in one case it's much
1ore obvious to us what we're doing. I
ould go on and on about this until i
1aybe made some sense but i won't.
Why
And i'll tell you why i won't. It's
ecause i'm apathetic and my powers of
oncentration are laughable. I'm
ctually laughing right now. And i
lame mtv for my laughter, even
Jough watching it never makes me
i ugh. I honestly don't mean to sound
itter. Probably just too much coffee.
:spresso, even. I'm always into the
1test fad.
Religion
I love to talk, read and think about
iat phenomenon people have· named
religion." Religious people can be so
1otivated! Much more so than you
nd/or i probably usually are.
>readfully horribly bad, though, can be
lJ
z
0
Vl
.....J
j)
Vl
~
~
religion for the sense of humor. I think:I
being cynical and probably also quite I-flippant is the true mark of a person
with a healthy(not as in "health" but as
in "definitely there in a menacingly
flourishing way") sense of humor.
Because and i know this is obvious
there are just so many more things and bigger, more important things that the cynical and flippant person is
having humor over.
Well
Well, i need to go. I enjoyed talking
to you.
_/\
lIST BI<:FOIU: l'LA Y BEGAN IN THE ANNllAL NATION
·11a4 1uawa8U!JJU! 148pi\do:> 01 no,\ a:iua1uas
01 'Al!Unwwo:> :>!lS!lnwnof aq1 JO aA!ln1uas;udaJ n sn •amsea1d
.\w S! 1! pun a1doad i\148nnu ,\JaA 'A.laA 11n aJn OOA 'UO!lCWJOJU!
148p,(do:> a1nµd0Jddn a41 8U!POPU! 10041!M ;}JOP!d '!OOqJtl;}A
a1dwes n paqsnqnd 'aS!MJa410 Jo i\puauaApt?u! •seq ssv s,lt?M
··~ ~ • ·
_,, .,
,~, ,,
, , ...... ,,, , ... ,,n (,, ,
f"\ i
'°'lffff"\""\
( 111 1 ""\""\'""l l
1, ' 011
,
11
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 18, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 18, 1997. This issue of the Rat's Ass is the goodbye to seniors addition. On the front page Jhay Witherspoon says goodbye and how the "universe is as universe does." Stay Joviall gives us a list of Emotivity Nuggets. On the last page Chavez and Rebecca Anderson give us a recipe for Discursive Ontology.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Rebecca Anderson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8f88801052032e4de3ce2c20a0834fb0.pdf
6df61a952a4780e852fe81d8746a01e3
PDF Text
Text
I I
I
_f
'
-
1-I
'~
•·v
:
'•
Ji·
-
I
lt'S
mm
'-
-
-
;
'
di
;: ~
~
-
'1I c"
\
•I,
~
\an
l\lly l:la\kU
Cephalization
lnside -your mind \urks
lhc \abyrinlh coral caves
eX\)\ore the dcvine
·1> )1 •' ~~ raph ic ;1I
1
/II)
·
.tvlany schismatic
seizures and a juicy pile
..........._~ ol shcnarnµ..11 1..
:
.
up 111 hv reci pe
how mcm1 vc ni cn f
�Can't Get No 'Trane:
~
t.~;~ ...~
~~
..
' 'I
.
~-
Staph Bachs
Stay Joviall
Super-retro-d'ir
Xaft Minor
David Sears
Styx
Jay Witherfunk
"I
didn't
by
Jay
come
A Moment in the Life.
Li Po
no
monkey I "
Witherfunk
do·:
.. :
{
~ So~'ione
once said that _
the world
~J.11 al~Ji.¥~: have more dumb ~Jople~ t.han
"'Bmart,,~~P.,~~, but I say that the smart
peop~')tf~l eventually fig4re o~~ a . ~ay to
mak~~~~k dumb people's ignorance .
irrelevant.
So you, and you know who you are,
didn't come from a monkey. That's fine
and good. So the world is only ten
thousand yfi!a,~\l\~t9'l.d. ~ Whatever you say.
Scientis\~are bias~d because if the good
people o~ the world ·~new that the history
of the earth was incapsulated in one book
(THE Book)/·~h~f.1 .they [the sci entists]
would go out of business. You know, 't" , ..
that's quite insightful.
I believe you .
I am not mocking
you.
I am ser ious. But could you .,
·"please
just step into this box her e? It na~ been
engineered by scientist s who are
' -.,..:
completely un~u:r;-e . Qf, ¥hat the hell they
are doing. ¥Aft(~.~iitf.I· to put you in it and
shoot you into space, · ~~t you will
probably be all . .r.~~N: ~ ,Qecause you will
eventually hit £he e~ge of t he universe
where God will catch ' you in a big, wellwor n baseball mi tt. Whoosh. I aill not
mocking you.
I
. " --
u~-
I
.
Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next
day, someone wi ll show you, p e r haps
someday you'll see with cleaner eyes .
~~
//(/
..."\QT
"Couldn't believe that shit! All those energy
locusts and perp fiends, man..... kk-razy."
Pepe pushed the wire brush in and out of the
barrel of his revolver with contemplative playfulness,
his mouth bunched up to one comer, his eyes
squinty. I lighted a cigarette and studied him
as he cleaned his gun. His tie was loose, twisted
slightly to one side. His dredlocks were pulled
back in a tight pony-tail.
I yawned, took a drag. "The frequencies
were all wrong. If those retro-matrices hadn't
opened on the slipback we could've gotten
: an anti-matter fix and regulated the relocation units."
I finger the remote control for a moment. Miles
was homing the first few bars of hotel from that
French film's soundtrack, so I turned it up.
Pepe shook his head violently. "Fuck that
shit! Naw! Fuck it! rm sick and tired of pulling for
the slack of all them clean-genes. Fuck them!" He
. jerked his wrist and the cylinder hopped into place.
He spun it and pointed at an imaginary target in
,, the distance. "P-kow. Dead."
Those to whom I am directing this
article wilk~·prol-.u~bly not read it. Even
i f they
they 'wlil not be easily
· s\'f~Ye~ • .
..
.
·(·1·.i~'\Ai
.
by stay joviall
Allen Ginsburg
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
e.e. cummings
Edgar Allen Poe
Langston Hughes
from
\
e
't;:;~ ~
-
','' 7
~{ -,
~
'"
I shrugged and changed the topic. "Sensei
~
told me at last Tuesday's Groovitation that
McAlester is getting in two shipments next
Thursday. Bill told me--"
Pepe stood up and cut me off. "Yeh. Coo.
Has Susan given you those C'rravity Innublation seeds?"
He tossed the revolver on the love..seat. '.'That chick
been puttin me off for weeks. ({~ don't get the
seeds soon, we won't be able to harvest in time for
the Holocaust Jam this summer!" He walked to the
window and peeped out the blinds.
I snuffed out my cigarette and shrugged. "Dan
said we couldn't do it anyway. The pH of the Temporal
Agitaion Growing medium we've got just won't cut it."
I rubbed my beard and laughed. "That's okay though ...
I saw this cat last spring give a lecture on this crazy
shit called sideshadowing. It makes a lot more sense now. 11
Pepe turned, and a smile like Voodoo bile crept
up on his lean blackb~autiful face. "Don't tell Jennifer. 11
�The Rat's Ass is yo' mama N
.
Hello. I know your ev
. on-recursive dualities re ur .
.
complaints about come;k~~ve. The Rat's Ass does n~ a~rt~te _rn a '90s sort of way
Ass production. All opinio s. Co~plaints generally distur:t~crate ~x~essive leaka~e, or
ns are mine, and not your's. Avoid t~ equlrbnum nessecary for Fi
e gray material.
Neo-Gcntific Outervicw #495
Sub-species Dogmatogram, Ty1»e A
,. Slarting Point: The leashes of Hies uneatth tinlinabulalory
moking pints. Have you seen the off switch for the
Lntropy Generation Proto-vims?
#number: Target leavetaking towards wastrel-bingo. Hugenols reify ether.
Lax forlilulc forms fumigation. Let's get out of time.
Below the waste products of retro-inductrializ.ation leave hints of proto-retro-anti
legality. Maybe we should eat psychotropics to help the situation. Good-bye to the days
of dream-reality, hello relativity.
Relative to wastrel-bingo hut hinging on psychotropic perspectivism.
Findings: Availability aids in production
2
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 24
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 12, 1996. This issue of the Rat's Ass has a Haiku about our minds. Jhay Witherspoon writes an article about how he didn't come from a monkey, and yes he's completely serious! Stay Joviall follows up with a moment in his life. On the last page is a study on Sub-species Dogmatogram, Type A.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, David Sears, Xaft Minor, Styx
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8312a2bf4fc328bc2ee497237fefb43a.pdf
6e0f81e64d9033e10f228349c355c2f1
PDF Text
Text
~uttbay ~uppltmtttt
i>un~~!1 2 may 19 9 3 ~olumt Allin,.
w
~
--------·
»umbtr ®nt
"'We're the j;unba!' j;uppltment that gi1>eg a rat'g an."
FBI Stonns Rat's Ass
Compound. Cult
Members Tar and Feather
Themselves to Fulfill
Prophecies.
by Brian Dixon
In a surprise move late
last night the FBI, feeling tl1at
a peaceful end to the skinnish
was impossible, penetrated Ille
secret location of Ille Rat's Ass
offices. "Things were getting
out of control in tl1ere," stated a
top FBI spokesperson. In
response to tl1e manuevers, cull
members doused themselves
witl1 molasses and jumped into
huge barrels of ckicken
feathers, which they had been
illegally stockpiling for several
weeks. TI1e FBI did blast
several containers of maple
Syrup into tl1e compound,
hoping to drive out U1e
members. However, t11c maple
syrup used was a non-sticking
variety. An FDI syrup
specialist defended Ille actions,
"In no way whatsover did our
blasting maple syrup into-iliecompound have anytl1ing to do
with the horrific actions taken
by the cult. In fact, we used a
fat-free syrup to avoid raising
tl1eir cholesterol levels."
The cult, now
hopefully defunct, has been
printing collages in U1e guise
of accurate student journalism
for at least five weeks. The
FBI began monitoling t11e
situation when cult members
began to prophesy tliat the
journal would double in size
each week, possibly reaching
Ill 1000 page level in a matter
•hs This • of _
course,
e
.
0 f monu•.
was the first in a se~1es of hes
during the tense penod.
Apparently, however,
their promises to tar and featller
memselves and anyone :'ho
attempted to impede tlletr
effo11s was no hoax. "Thank
God none of us were made
subject to their humiliating
torture," said an obviously
relieved Federal Agent.
Another agent, obviously
disu·essed after five weeks of
tense waiting, was heard
exclaiming, "Oh my God
tl1ey're tar and feallle1ing
themselves," as U1e compound
became an oozing, viscous
puddle of molasses.
Humanitarian groups
have criticized tl1e FI31, calling
t11eir surprise attack prematw·e.
"Why didn't they nab tl1e
cultists on t11eir way to cla<>s or
in their dorm rooms," noted a i
concerned member of the liberal ;
free press, "The actions of tl1e
FBI have resulted in a blatant
loss of molasses."
President Clinton,
however, stood by the actions
of tJ1e FBI and tJ1e Atlorney
General, who approved Ille
FBl's plans. "We stand by Ille
actions of U1e FBI and U1e
Attorney General," Clinton said
in an address to Ille nation
minutes after tl1e ordeal was
over. The director of the FBI
praised U1e Federal Agents for
putting their humility on the
line in a potentially
embanassing situation. "The
The Rh o des Co llege
Ce nter
has
Wellne ss
anno unc e d p l ans to h o ld a
series of
instructive
seminar s on two c om mo n
eating
disord e rs,
anorexia
and bulim i a.
i "The college campus like
; Rhodes i s a perf e ct p lace
i for beh a vior patterns
such a s th es e to spr e ad
I like wildfire," s ays the
! Rhodes Co lleg e Welln e ss
Coordinator.
Recently the center
began another aw a r e ness
program with the same
goal:
pos ting the fat
! grams p e r s e rving n e xt to
i meal sel ections in the
Rat .
But that si mply
! wasn't
e n o ugh .
"The
wo men o n this campus just
aren't W l 1 enough," she
e
Federal Agents showed poise.
Despite being showered by
feat11ers, llley never retaliated in
any fashion," remarked the
Attorney General, "I think
we've set a precedent for
dealing wit11 embarassing cults
and oilier counter-culture
groups."
The cult members are
in custody, but have not been
identified as of yet due to l11e
tl1ickness of the chicken
feathers . As soon as t11e
members can be identified tl1ey
will stand tiial and more tlian
likely be scapegoats for a
variety of society's
unexplainable ills.
rrabulae
Rasae
i
I
!
! contin u ed,
"They must
learn
to
trim
t h o se
i tummies
an d hem th os e
; hips·
We felt lik e a
/ progra m which wo uld t ake
/ the girls s tep-by-s t ep
through the proce s s of
j- attaini n g
an
eating
i disord e r
wo uld
be
helpful .
Many women a re
I too shy t o as k q u es tions
l
i a b out th e pro s a nd cons
of the v a rious di sorders;
1many a re left on their
own to ex p er im e nt, and
this c a n hind er th e ir
move tow a rd W llness . "
e
Parties
int er est e d
in
achievin g Welln es s are
, e ncouraged t o co ntact the
\ center, or simpl y wa t ch
l out
for
bulletins
!a nnoun ci ng the pr o g ram ,
je ntitled, "W e ighing Less
·f o r Wellne s s. "
!
I
I
Carnpns virgins.
Once again
Esquire go es ·w here
no E1::t:il
has gone before.
�.·,., , ..... . .
.
. .
.....'."'\,
v · yo u ,;<" ·
··e · ·
. t,.,,., . ... ' ·. .·.· .. <.,:\
.
~· ·~Ha
·''
1
•
Hl'eard:about
ittiCone with Tiddy's
f-:danadian Liqueur? ·
,
,
i~
.
.
\
•
--i~intL Appear During Annu~i-1
.\ Rites Debauch
by Clay Combs
•I
I
have ~
Several students
reported seeing ghostly figures
bearing the likenesses of Jerry ~
Fernandez and Jeff Gadomski, ~
Rhodes's two Patron Saints of
. Financial Aid, during the.Rites of
Spring festival earlier this ~
1
mont h .
;
"I was just standing around
watching th~ end of the [NCA~J
championship basketball] game,
said junior Billy Bill Billings,
"and then I look over and see '
these two guys standing around a
light pole outside Clough, with
their hands folded. I just thought
they had been, you know ,
smokin', or I thought maybe they I
were a couple of fags. Well, I
didn't know what they was, but I I
knew I saw something. It was .
spooky."
I
"It was the most beautiful i
.
I
thing I'd ever seen," said Drucilla i
Festeusc.
"At first I was /'
overwhelmed with awe. Then I
just relaxed and allowed myself to /
get caught up in the moment I I
was moved to interpretive dance." j
The sightings follow a yeaq
.
of controversy surroun d rng 'j
Fernandez and Gadomski. Both!
came to Rhodes under the
pretense of secure fin~ncial ai_d I
. packages, o nly to ftnd thetr l
' scholarships, grants and executive
washroom privileges withdrawn i
'after they had completed one year
of studies. The pair disappeared
under a cloud of suspicion.
There followed a wave of
reactions from all segments of
society.
Several students, '
appalled at perceived injustice,
picketed the Financial Aid office.
They were hosed down with a
solution of Aunt Jemima syrup.
The Arkansas-based Church ·
Saints of Financial Aid .
.Art History Professor David
McCarthy delivered a lecture
entitled "Ben Shahn Meets
1
Fernandez and Gadomski: A
Sacco
and
Vanzetti for
: Postmodern America."
The
· comparison sparked a national
I
[ .
' debate surrounding alleged un air
treatment of students with ethnic
' surnames and firs t names that
.
begin with the letter J.
(Rhodes's
Minister o f
Homogeneity and self-professed
G ood 01' Boy Jim "Whitey"
' Smythe, responded to the
allegations in a CNN press
conference. "The Filipino and
the Yankee?" he said. "No way
did we ever discriminate against
them. They never Jost their
cxecuti ve washroom pri vileges.")
Professor Michael McLain of
the Religious Studies department
published an essay in the ultrahot Journal of Philosophical
Stuff entitled "Visions of the
Patron Saints of Financial Aid :
Delusory o r Veridical?" He
asserted the visions' vcridicality
cannot be rationally admitted
because of the yearly recun-ence
of visions of all sorts around
Rites of Spring, citing past
' reports filed by current Rat's Ass
correspondent Maj or Bat Guano.
Critics of the article claim
the visions could be verified,
even capitali zed upon, if there
1
were pictures. The Rat's Ass
; brings you here the only known
pictures taken during the Rites
appearanc.~:. .._
I
I
I
<>f lhc Sub-Genius sanctified the
n issiil g coll egians as lhr P :i l rrm
- - The campus has calmed
down. But doctors are beginning
to assess delayed effects of the
sai nts' appearance in respo nse to
Moore Moore Moore infirmary
reports of drastic increases tn
complaints from short-term
merp ory lo ss , involuntary
poverty and hallu cinati o ns of
Elvis.
r----I
----- , ,,
,
....
I The Kritics Korner
I
t
I
I
I Anyone can do a paper-· I
: just ask the kids at Rat's ~
I Ass. Hell, next year why I
I doesn't everybody print a I
I paper next year?" Brett \
I Cullum
l
I- - - - - - - - - ----1
I
11
~uaffmansfiip
l/
'/
I
j
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass Sunday Supplement, May 02, 1993, Volume 01, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from May 02, 1993. It is the first issue in the satirical series, and is shorter than the rest. It contains a piece by Brian Dixon in which the FBI storms the "Rat's Ass" headquarters. Mike Augspurger writes about eating disorders on campus, and Clay Combs describes ghostly encounters during Rites of Spring. It also features a critique by Brett Cullum. This scan is of a distribution copy. It was printed on a single sheet of standard 8.5" x 11" copy paper.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Brian Dixon, Mike Augspurger, Clay Combs, Brett Cullum
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2497c97d09ab1e8399bb65ede8fe59cf.pdf
ba69fe2bde600fe4d2d72e0a35441239
PDF Text
Text
I
I
'1
l
I
Growth
by Jay Withertunk
)
The man stood looking
down al his leg, grinning. One
hand poinled lo his knee, the
olher was held aloft and
waving. He was yelling.
He said, "Behold, you
people, the grealesl knee ever
lo have carried a man. Behold
il and weep al it's grandeur.
Laugh al the magnificence that
oozes from ils fibers. Know lhat
right now you are witnessing
lhe peak and goal of lime itself
as you behold lhe greatest kne~
in the universe!!!!!"
People walked by,
people with more sense than
lhis man, and pitied him. He
was held in a standing position
by a pair of crutches and the
gray wall behind him, because
one of his knees was swollen lo
the size of a small cantaloupe
wilh a malignant tumor. He
had never had such a massive
·lumor of lhe knee before. He
didn't know what lo do or how
lo read, and it seemed a waste
of time and energy to groan or
beg for change, so he decided
lhal his knee, by far lhe largest
knee he had ever seen, must also
be the greatest knee ever lo
exist. But you musl feel sorry for
lite man when you see him, and
smile at him and his knee, the
greatest 011 earth.
Journal of Polymorphous Perversity®
·
a humorous & satirical journal of Psychology
Volume V, iSSue 3
JAn. 24, 1997
�-- - -
I
WWWWWW ·
glucose
pyruvate
il
er reactions
1 or another
e
gy-releasing
.way
·-._
.\
. )
...
~ ADP_
GUANINE
(G)
,f
HC
"
OH
H
THYMINE
(T)
OH
CYTOSINE
(C)
H
The la4uer lopped table gleamed under unfirgiving llorescenl lights. My boss tapped one
black kidskin covered finger like a ruthless metronome.
"Defcnistration is nol an option."
I looked across the flawless shiny rectangle from my leather chair. I lit a cigarette and
slowly inhaled before I spoke lo the hunched figure across from us.
"The neuro-pallern reading gave us some very interesting information, Mr, Superchunk."
My voice was Hal and even except for the emphasis I placed on the name. I held my level
gaze al the now twitching man.
"Yes. We do know. The DNA samples have proven my original hypothesis. You see,
Mr. Superchunk, we'vcw been on lo you from Leh slarl. And I must tell you that your elimination.
is something I have l<x>ked forward lo for quite some lime now. "
The gangly man's etherealy pale skin glowed under the glaring lights. He shuddered as I
swung my patent leather txx)l off of the table and slowly rose from my chair. I strolled deliberately
toward him, pausing only lo slub oul my cigarelle i lhe cul-glass ashtray lo my right.
As I approached lhe not-long-for-this-world Mr. Superchunk, my boss flipped open her
cell phone. She spoke only lwo words in her crisp British accent before snapping the phone shul
with a dick that rang as distinctly as my boot ht.-els on lhe polished marble floor.
"CUC 148."
AL this signal , the lights faded lo a reddish-gold. I bent from the waist and stared directly
intol he scaled Mr. Superchunk's eyes.
"I think it may be Li.me lo gel religion," I purred into his ear.
Electrified steel doors on either end of the room whirred into a low hum.
"Any lasl requests, Mr. Superchunk?" I demanded ironicaly as I leaned in closer. His nose
was pamllel to my cleavage.
I noticed beads of sweat roll like tumbleweed from his temples.
''No.,,
He spat oul lhe words, trying to meet my eyes, but his line of vision was fixed on the
space between my breasts.
With a heaving breath, Mr. Superchunk tried to explode from his chair and burst lolhe.
door, I grabbed his left cltx)\v and with a flick of the wrist, snapped his arm in half. My tx)ss
sneered from across teh room as she slowly stroked the Doberman al her knee.
Mr. Supcrchunk crumbled lo the floor as I dipped chrome cuffs lo his wrists and ankles.
This was almost loo easy Lo be fun. My boss pressed a glowing bullon on the arm of her chair. I
grabbed Mr. Superchunk by the neck and shoved him backwards against the wall. The chrome
cuffs fil into eleclrornagnelic dips and he was stuck like a fly, whimpering and sweating.
My boss grinned as she punched a second bullon on the arm of her chair.
Mr. Superchunk's body stiffened as the green lights stabbed him. He vaporized.
.
a
2 ATP invested
~ glucose-6-ptiosphate
,
~
Mr. Superchunk Meets His Final End
by: ruh-bck-uh an<l-cnr-sun
STEPS OF GLYCOLYSIS:
of
the
Giycolys is starts with ,
mvestmenr of two ATP: Fir
action promotes the trans!
phosphate group from ATI
which has ;i h"~ '- "- 1 of .
e
;fer, t
lightil,
m e ta p hysical
Q -t i p
fructose-6-phosphate
~~ ADP
~
fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Do you ever wonder where the
earwax of the narrow spatiotemporal
nether-dimension
goes
after the
grounded- metaphysical
Q-tip provides it meaning though
use, namely, clearing the
convoluted pathways or our
auditory canals'!
If metaphor ts
the only true art, then the Q-tip
should ri val anything Keats so
boldly an d spontaneous! y creates.
The Q-tip shou ld set a standard for
modern thought insofar as it
should be applied to every
discipline's discourse in an etlon
to clear away the bullshit, you dig?
By the way, the earwax ? It goes to
that place or never-end ing
lubricati on--that mighty and
prophetic land of evaporated KY
and empty cans of metaphysical
WD-40 .
As for the human essence?
I can't say quite as much for it.
U nfortunatel y, it cannot make that
great Gig in the Shy so must settle
for
hope l e ss transmigration- - too
bad, the life of a Q-tip, AHH IF
ONLY !
omot·
• from
'eculE
:ose- ·
:e intc
oon b
i PGA
1ediatE
each F
lydrog
1 cor
lso
' (P;) pr
ates a r
we form
! from ;
as sub
rmatior
·estme
yme-m
two int1ydrog
1hic h C<
dig the dank,
C ha v e z _
)nergy-releasing
sm of all
Substrate-level
phosphorylation,
2 ATP produced
g The resulting intermediatE
molecules of 3- phosphoenolr:
or PEP) are rather unstable. E
gives up a phosphate group :
Once again. two ATP have io
substrate-level phosphorylat1c
h Thus the net energy yield f
glycolysis is two ATP for each
molecule entering the reaction·
end products of glycolysis are
molecules of pyruvate. each w1
three-carbon backbone.
Energy-Releasing Pathw
�......'l.•.
~
..· .
.~·
~ ~~·~.>."'.r•• \.
•
ammo acids « 71·,
~ •.'1
NH
.... •:.-:-
carbon
._b_a,_c_kb~o~ne_s_,
(
urea
..
i
r
i
I
I-
I
i
!
t
'
acetyl-CoA
1---------__,1
I.
from
The Strategic Etymology,
entry 7.03
by stay jovial!
C0 2
Emplicity is the underlying principle of
I
1•
the overarching locus of Metafrolic, and yet,
despite the increasing demand for extrinsic
omissionary refroth, it is still best understood
by assessing the surrounding branches of its
conceptbush. I here present a three-level
approach to beginning to grasp emplicity,
beginning with the relational quantalities of the
1 root "emp." I will then offer an explicative
non-recursive exploratory fruxit (elemental and
beyonding-inclusive), and conclude with
general prescriptions.
What branches stem from ''emp?"
Donner's Elusivity/Heteroxity Principle points
us first to empathy. Traced to the German
einfUhlung (..in-feeling"), which derives from
the Greek empatheia, empathy speaks of the
capacity to enter into emotional
harmony/understanding with an Other.
Employ means broadly "to use," and is
from the French employer. Emplicity is not
used, but in the best of circumstances one is
used by emplicity.
Empty is "with nothing in it,
unoccupied, or totally without." Empty must
be the vessel; blood flows though the vessels;
blood is the river of life; the river of life can
only be traversed with an empty vessel.
Empire and empirical also figure into
this analysis in the most obvious connection.
I
I
I
I
I
I
NADH
NAO
FADI
ELECTRON TR;
0
,___ _ 0 ..:...sP_H.:..::..:..R--Yt
P_H..:.
No~-recursive
fruxits are a hot topic in
S~rategy Cnt ~hese days. Whether you side
I/
with A~togemc Netherthugs in their posthumarust parametaphysicality, or with the
Ontogenic Conceptual Stuntmen with their
intransigent conviction in the antiloco, there is
no escaping the fact that antinomies inevitably
undermme the current cyptozoologist' s
plasticity. If one is willing to grant the obvious
to the unbegged in a world of nons and
growing froat, its not a far leap to
thund~~i~ing both beekeepers and proponents
of ant1truxit theory. This consideration when , ·
held against a background of Miles Davis' Blue / ::
·
.
in Green, ~d gr.asped on Darwinian grounds,
makes the msert1on of a f ruxi t unnecessary,
because you the reader are already thinking
about (ensnared by) the gist of fmxitivity.
. I .now conclude with general (emplicit)
prescnpt1ons.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Drink perverse amounts of water.
Laugh. It is your only salvation.
Devour each moment.
Embrace struggle, Jove pain.
Garlic: 3 cloves/day
Be autonomous.
Wonder, look, aspire.
gO.
:d
., .
e·
·1~
�You're The Deiusionai Festooned Matador
c:·
~
~- G
.... '
=·
You ~lart :,alivalin14 <rn<l move [(J the back of lhe room.
You wonJer where your will ran off Lu anJ ~uck un your canJy ri11t;,
loukin!:J fur an entrance into lhe cunver~atiun:, malleJ lo the wall~.
Every One is making love Lu the barlenJer who wears
an expression of unJistingui:,heJ linguistic exploilalion.
"I useJ to live ac..:ross the trac..:ks," you c..:arefully pretenJ, nol wanting
to seem needy. Every One ignores you bec..:ause
they Jon't want to hanJle a sucker-puncheJ maverick.
Your make-up c..:an't hi<le a black eye, much Jess
the fear of fool hardy emasculation.
!><!
Pl
OK, Every Thing's gonna be alright, you breathe in anJ off.
In. Off. In. Off. In. Off. Drag that cigarette. In. Off. Off.
Hi
ii"
~
r-·
::i
0
H
Hi
;)
ri
ro
r-·
10
::i
:1
0
"Once I consumed an entire cherry pie through my nose."
<<Great,>> Some One mumbles. <<tv1aybe you can straighten
out an indefatigable argument This One and I are having.
It appears to me that LIFE lyou're deaf after this wordl is much
more attainable once you commit to stop living. This One
disagrees on the .grounds that LIFE is a meaningless term.>>
Oh _shit. You were afrai<l this would happen. You need some more
absmthe and a monastery to figure out what the words swilling
through your head MEAN.
H
H
·;n
(JJ
You dive
':J
0
;:J
0..
iD
;::l
;t
"L_ife i~ simply the opposite of File," you toss out, shoulders
coiled 1~ preparation for apocalyptic retribution,
~one~ ~n y~ur po':1<et whistling Auld Lang Syne
m antlClpahon of impending perturbation.
t-'·
;::l
::r
~rn
'Ji
"
'°"1
;D
:--t·
" -
<<Would y~u like one of us to go down on you?>> Some One
SCREAMS m a movement of ingratiation. That One
looks defeated and swollen.
Isn't that your therapist on the other side of the room;,
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
Rat's Ass, January 24, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 03
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 24, 1997. The front of this issue has a story written by Jhay Witherspoon called "Growth." Chavez has an article on the "Creation of the metaphysical Q-tip." Stay Joviall gives us the "Strategic Etymology, entry 7.03." On the last page Ross Gohlke tells us why "Life is simply the opposite of File."
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Chavez, Stay Joviall, Ross Gohlke
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cee89262d18ae5ec5bf18f10d9c457d8.pdf
5b89d9ce40249f8dfb9569d6fbffbaaf
PDF Text
Text
-
---- - -
---- - -
"armng: TtlIS PUl:lLICATIUN IS 1-'RINTEIJ
V1'H-'Af'bR Ull'l-'l:\U IN A S 'i NI Hl:\HC-U7\:sJ:OU
PROTEIN A.NALOG THAT WHEN EXPC1SfiD TO
SKIN CAUSES SIMULTANEOUS COMBUSTION
!JI; ALL l'IJCKlff UN 1 AND l\IUSI:'. llAIR
'
WITHIN A FJVE MILE RADH'S
~
A Memo
VOLUME V
ISSUE 2
08 NOVEMBER l 996
To: Rat's Asi.® Readers
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
>HOW ID BE POPULAR!
>WHAT ANDROIDS REALLYTI-llNK!
>WINTER HYBRID RECIPES!
>GAMES FOR TI-IE KIDS!
>TI-IE MEANING OF MEANING!
AND SO MUCH MORE!!!
From: Jay Witherfunk
Re: Real World Penetration
Welp, it seems I'm a senior. And it seems that I'm about to
have to enter the "real world." I get letters in my mailbox every day
about grad school, potential careers, and flyers for seminars on how to
get the right message across while being interviewed (these seminars,
by the way, say things like, 'make sure you don't blow ass during your
interview, or at least no stinky ones') by future bosses, pimps, etc.
Frankly, it makes me sick.
"But Jay," you say, "however in the world can you make a
living without knowing things like the in's and out's of a business
office?" Arid my response is, "Why don't you fax me a blowjob?" Let
this memo be my official declaration of the fact that capitalism,
industry, McDonald's®, little damn symbols like® and™, and every
other effect of the agricultural revolution can kiss my enlightened ass.
I'd rather just LIVE than have to "MAKE a living." Maybe
I'm {.ynical and maybe I'm pessimistic about the way humans have
turned out, but there has to be something wrong with a world where
most people have to drink/ smoke/ poke themselves into a stupor just to
escape the fact that we live on an existential assembly belt with
David Hasselhoff and Mtv handing us our slop plates at the end of
the day (I'm surprised I'm not stinky-ripped at this moment).
"But Jay," you say, "I'm not like that, and you're not like that.
Why not see the good in society and praise its accomplishments?" And
my response is, "Yeah, you're right. We can hurl ourselves at insane
rates from one place to the next in search of the perfect all-beef patty.
We can blow shit up. We can get any kind of pornography we desire
off the Internet!! Hell, I'm surprised I'm not looking at a picture of
three nude women and a great dane right now!!!"
No really, there is lots of good stuff that we can do, but the
problem is that most people can see so much of the good, the fun, and
the diverting that they have trouble seeing how shallow most of our
lives have become. Su please just know that on the lip of your descent
into the quagmire, things are nut as they should be. Although it feels
good tu make lots of money and live like the gods, we still fart and die
like the animals we eat, so don't be fouled by the grandeur. There's
more to be had.
�Daily Meditations of a lost and delusional soul
(To be read in monotone thought patterns?)
By Scatty Dreadlock
It's a fine pistol: Sam had this
Cybergencticisl friend of his at Berkley
build it for him ... it's solar powered a~d
has a four inch barrel. You shoot
somebody with it and their limbic svstem
freaks out. resonates gnarly-groovcfrequencies through every cell in their
body. The person shot usually erupts into
an explosion of hepdancc gitdown, finds
their whole subsequent existence
dominated by rhythm, and has a ti"\ed
Passenger or Pilot
by stay jovlall
We are sitting on the roof of
Mitchell's cottage, smveying the surf as it
rolls in and does its thing, over and over
again. I am absorbed in the setting sun,
half-listening to Sam's nutty nihilistic
epistemolog1cal preoccupations. He is
cleaning his Phunkgun as he rambles.
I yawn, studying Lhe clouds. Sam
leans in close, hright teeth behind full
plum-colored lips whisper "Don't you get
it, man? Everything, all that is, is
arbitrarily so. In.finite arc the possiblities
of what could be, but we never really act
on the fact: all the movements which
transpire through us are in our
consciousness as what is. Because we are
locked in our given (not chosen)
interpretive framework, we can't fathom
what those other possibilities are ... because
the ,.-ery materials of which those
possibilites are comprised lie beyond us."
I yawn. "That's defeatist and
unnecessarily cynical. And who cares,
~myway? We aU stilt have to have jobs
and pay taxes and bills." My dismissive
half-rcponse doesn't deter Sam, who is
now running a co-calibrating reciprocity
rod in and out of the barrel of the
Phunk un.
odor of super-dank herb continuallv
waiting from their eyeballs.
Sam pulls the rod oul of the balTel
and twirls it in his fingers. "Why does
everyone seem to believe they are free,
acting on the basis of rational dcliheration,
choosing their course in life?" His tone is
ponderous, full of genuine wonder. ··1
mean, where do people get this idea that
because \-Ve have consciousness and
culture, that because we're the smartest
animals on the block, we arc ontologically
unique and distinct from all the other
organi~ms on this planet. Humans are
animals, for chrissake ... what is the basis
for the ubiquitous misconception that
while other animals' actions are
determined and logrithtnically predictable,
we ourselves are free, uncontrolled by
genetic disposition and environmental
conditioning?"
"Probably our need for selfrespect, our inescapable anthropomorphic
drive. It's also tangled up in centuries of
moral rhetoric which has to presuppose
human freedom. I don't know Sam...
people are frightened of the idea that they
may just be machines, that their
consciousness is .a passenger and not a
pilot, that their sense of self is some kind
of illusmy construct tacked onto these big
convoluted chunks of grey matter as a
helpful afterthought."
Sam shrugs. "Aw, hell ... does it
matter? Let's go swim.ming."
i am a creature
i am a happy creature
i beat myself over the noggin because· i
find it pleasure inducing
the instrument i use to beat myself with
is a blender
when the blender is plugged in it goes
t
"w hrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
i like my blender
my head often becomes soar
sometimes it even bleeds
mother cries when it bleeds
i tell her: "don't worry mother"
i think: "shut the fuck up bitch"
i want to beat my mother over the
noggin with my blender
that way she would understand
when my head hurts i eat pills
pills make me feel good
i like feeling good
4
six months later
my mother died
she died of serious head wounds
before she croaked, i fed her some pills
because her head hurt
she died smiling
Ross G.--Memphis Mook
Chavez--Silver Haze
Kieenith Spanky--Jack Herer
~ay Wit~erfunckengrooven---G-13- Government Issue
. . tay JoviaJ--Alaskan Thunderfuck
Suzy--Shiva Skunk
Matty Scatty Dreadlock.--Purple Kush
Matt Gore--Schwiggity Schwagg
�You Make Me Sntoke
by ross gohlke
Don;t take this personally
but your life looks exactly
like a color-by-numbers
nightmare
with crayons outside the lines
and you don't understand why
I chose drugs over Jesus
because you're already dead.
Life smells like motor oil.
You act like you've forgotten
how to smell
the dirty things in your midst.
Somehow you've learned to
look through the unpleasantries
sautered to homesteading and
Jove.
I cherish chicken fried steak
more than my salvation
and every day of my life
wears its own crown now.
For all their ignorance
druggies have acute values
r
descending from the Christ of the
Cross
after he ascended from the
bowels of democracy.
You should be drooling with
envy
because the Labor of History is
serious
and morals are not.
The difference between us boils
down to this:
1 don't expect to convince you.
The Art of Letting Go does not
interfere
with the Art of Belief.
You're hung on the Concept of
• Principle
d bv the odd· of
and overwheb:ne '
addiction.
you look clean m is full of junk·
but your bedroo
I believe
{
every }ustiftcation o
righteousnes; a scheme of
is an excuse or
prosperity
without weal~Alcoholic Myth is
The Protestan
alive
b" doing drugs
and undone ' .
among other things.
the hard stuff when I'm
I smok e
sore
from losing.
mark.
It hurts to make a
Crack Will Have Your Nose
By Kleenith Spanky
~
ra
"Whazuup Will?"
"Nothin' much fellas, just passed by to do some
chill in'."
"Yea, its good to see ya man. Who is your friend
here?"
"Oh, hey guys this is Jim. I thought I would bring
him over to hang out for a while."
Will is an interesting character and everyone is
at least tolerant of him. The only drawback to
having him around is his obnoxious tendency to
bring over these chump friends of his who
couldn't distinguish jinky crust rim from low
grade shi t if their life depended on it. Will
knew why we would gather together in the
evenings but it didn't stop him from bringing his
loser friends around.
"A-ite, you fellas ready to set aside the bullshit
and get down to business?"
Chabloober (this is just what everyone liked to
call him) immediately piped up, "I'm all about
sniffin some good rim." This was the moment
Charlie was eagerly awaiting.
"Hey Chabloober, I got some shit back here that
will tum your nibbles green."
Charlie then said with pride, "I haven' t wiped
in two weeks and have s tuck to a strict diet of
roughage and espresso the whole time."
"Let us.get to it my friend." said Chabloober with
anticipation.
a....., .... - ... ,
'
-
'~ n
' ,,
,
-..-
-
-
-
agreed lo try it.
.
. . .
''Thal a boy. Once you get a whiff of ll~1s shit
~6-~ you'll never turn back." claimed Charlie rather
proudly.
. , .
..,,_,.,._v~ Jim bashfully placed his nose near Charlie s nm
and began to take a small whiff. All of a sudden
Charlie' s cheeks surrounded Jim's nose and wilh
one swift movement snapped it right of his face.
Blood poured from Jim's face as he screamed and
1 tried to pull his nose off of Charlie's crusty rim.
'\
~~- ~~
-~Fi
--"" '------
~i mt ,. ,., ,.,. . ~
"""'J 'rlql;:.k••1.,1 .~
"l!J. ---~... 6rll\
/, ,:-\
i iie Kat s Ass\!Y 1s somethrng 1r1exphcable and
ir1sta1itar1eous. Aberrations from the r1onnahve system ol
thought are the soui responsibility ol each article 's
respective author/progenitor/master/lovertbarber. if you
have a problem or a beef or a metaphysical query in regard
to an article, please eat enough beans to project yourself
into outer space and then contact the said author/etc.
Have a ocldamn bitchin da .
Charlie proceeded lo drop his pants, bend over
and spread his cheeks. Chabloober lodged his
It nose in the proper area and took such a big whiff
I. that he burst a blood vessel in his forehead. He
then sat back content as he could be.
"Man, l forgot what I had been missing. Its been a
while since I've hit some rim like that." Since
@., most of us have a job or go lo school its hard to get
the real potent buildup. The smell usually gives
one away.
1
"Hey Jim, come over and try this shit. You are in
luck, we haven't had anything like this around
' in a while."
Jim responded rather timidly, "You aren't serious
are you?"
~ The tone in lhe room immediately changed as
"-., everyone began harassing Jim for his inability lo
hang with the group.
"What's the matter Jim? You afraid?"
"No man, I just don't feel the need to."
Everyone continuously harassed Jim until he
'/,_,
{
I
-s
;;&~ \:~'~,,_,~ji?&W
dJiflR.•••-~-----"------.J
8.-;-;::-;:-£ • ••• ;:-••
�vicious cycle
by
not quite you
hollow and pure
murky so clear
tremors awaken
dead no sleep
mudslide
eyes quiver
masks & prisms
nonchalant so surreal
razor smoothness
leaves airborne
corpses no feathers
nucleus
frozen blanket
birds need
no downy softness
noise black smoke
warmth aborted
hollow womb
Gross Misinterpretation of existentialism
b~
lt'tAVEr=__
Today belongs to only you. Tomorrow never exists. Yesterday is but a dream. Why
does Reality seems to lose a grip on itself? What is there to hold on to? What
should we believe to be real? These are but musings in the greater realm of seeing.
Shall we all remain in light, or succumb to the nasty misfortunes of being unto
death. There is no reason for pessimism in a world which allows for orgasm, extacy,
and pure consciousness. Go forward without looking back on that which cannot be
changed. Continue with that which benfits all mankind. Remove superficiality
and restraints in order to pruify one's Being. Don't let the choas cause pain-overcome, surpass, and believe in that which you value most. Rely on your wits,
Puff the Dank, control your mind.
Exitentialism can be liberating once you realize your pface in the cosmic
order--don't become bitter. Become Free.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 8, 1996. The front page of The Rat's Ass Issue features a memo by Jhay Witherspoon which talks about how he's a senior now about to enter the real world. Stay Joviall asks the question "are we the pilot or the passenger in our lives?" Scatty Dreadlock goes for a meditation. Ross Gohlke tells us the truth of why he is no longer a religious man. Kleenith Spanky tells the story "Crack Will Have Your Nose." On the last page Chavez tells us how today is the only thing that exists while the future never exists and yesterday is but a dream.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Scatty Dreadlock, Ross Gohlke, Spanky Kleenith, Chavez, Matt Gore
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass