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25
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/148a383085a8473b464406f387f09f25.pdf
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Text
"T::,~.:kiing the most benign issues, for fear of Santa Claus."
Don't tw,·
body to ist Your ,
Qet Into
Position.
~
..,_v
~
<,.,,o""
Vol. Il Issue 12
~
I
December 8, 1993
<\>'l)
~/~Special Holid~l. , !~sue !!
* • • • • * * • * • • • * *
The blatant
presentation of raw ideas
through the form of
DIALOGUE has fallen into
disfavor in these subtle and
calculated times. Those of
us who eschew elegance of
form have gone underaround
'
writing our simple and
styleless pieces as best we
can, burdened as we are by
the weight of ignominy and
general thickness.
Occasionally a fragment such
as this will be championed by
a poor and struggling rag
which can find no other
"copy• to fill its worthless
calumns. It is only through
these pitiful opportunities
that our opinions see any
chance of entombing
themselves in your brain.
Read this, then, with the
kind of special attention you
would give to a sick and
dying animal. You owe it in
the name of pity.
A Conversation
Between John a.
Smoker and John
Nonsmoker
jqs: Why do you persecute
me so?
jqn: Because your very
existence persecutes me.
jqs: Good point.
a.
jqn: Do you think it is cool
to smoke? Or are you
merely addicted. Pick one; '
will be condescending no
matter which answer you
choose.
jqs: Both. Does that mean I
get a double dose of you on
your high horse?
jqn: I would have thought
you'd be more creative.
jqs: If I told you why I
really smoke, you'd laugh,
maybe think I was just full
of sh_t.
jqn: Go ahead, shoot. I'm
listening. I don't have
anything else to do, and I get
fidgety during long silences- don't know what to do with
0u••••
unfulfilled oral fixation is a
bugger for creating nervous
tics.
l'HE § Do not. let Grey Hai
_
[jqs lights up)
§
appear.
jqs: I sincerely believe that MEXICAN § or1f1n•I colou r. or White Hair to
= R~·! 0 r•• Grey where the il•ndi
smoking is the 1~st
HAIR § notdH!royed. com1nt out. Hctt or
Cl
:; tb• H•1r from Pre~entaOaodrulf,
connection we moderns h
§
••d Srreoc<h••• th• "'''·
.
ave RENEWER =is NOT A DYE
With the primitive archetype
I s
Sold Ev~rywhe r
of humanity. Human as firepossessor, human as torchjqn: ·-.vaS: you say?
cai·rier, human as controller
jqs: Yes, •was.· She died
of that most powerful of the
of lung cancer last year.
four elements of nature
jqn: Doesn't that make you
jqn: Fire?
' ...
want to stop smoking?
jqs: Indeed. The power to
jqs: Why?
burn is the power to
jqn: Well, obviously because
destroy. Imagine it ...
a death in your family due to
unimaginable power! In
smoking should make you
1
addition, the cigar or
cigarette is a phallic symbol,
which reminds me of my
mother. She was a smoker,
too.
r'l
u
reconsider your own
smoking habit!
jqs: Smoking doesn't cause
cancer! That's a lie spread
by aliens!
chuck: Does anybody want
part of a tree trunk?
jqn: What!!??!
chuck: Now that I'm part of
this conversation it's a
_ trlalogue. I was just
asking. Pardon me. I guess
I'll be going.
jqs: Before you go, could
you settle one thing?
chuck: Sure.
jqn: After you sum up the
pros and cons, is smoking ...
cool?
chuck: Why, I believe that it
- - · [cough]
b'\ ~\.. ....\....:
~,L..,f-
�Random Ruminations on an Old Magazine: Holling Sto~ August .5
;Jy Ross Gohlke
One thing I can't stand is
)]d magazines. It doesn't
matter if I'm just biding time in
rhe john trying to beat my dad's
1 ecord for pages read on the pot
r trying to put myself to sleep
(my textbooks usually suffice
fo r that), old magazinesanything that's not the most
recent issue- just plain suck. So
why am I reviewing the August
5 issue of .l?o/lhlg Stom~an issue
with pages still devoted to the
"Lollapalosers Tour" '93?
Because I didn't even read that
article (not all of it) and
because I can . Also, it was a
Christmas present from a friend
back home who works in a
music store and got it for free.
So it has sentimental value.
My friend saved it for me
because of the Soul Asylum
cover story. "soul asylum,
platinum punks" is a pretty
good title (better than Time's
moniker: Tunesmiths) and the
a rticle is pretty good, too.
Have you ever noticed, though,
how
rock
magazine
interviewers always have to
concentrate on one member of
the group, even if the band
members say things like,
"We're a team. Everyone is
equally important"?
Dave
Pirner is in the middle of every
photograph, even the ones that
aren't just of him . I just don't
understand where this guy gets
off saying, "It is the interplay
of Pirner and Murphy that
defines the balance, that keeps
soul asylum pointed down the
highway." What about poor
old Karl Mueller, who started
the band, and Grant Young?
Don't they count? Well, I want
to forget about Dave and Dan
for a moment. I think that Karl
just (well. back befor:e August 5)
dumped his girlfnend of 1,3
years for Winona Ryder. Shes
not even that hot! (too
scrawny).
The article about Eden
(pronounced Eddin) Jacobowitz,
who got in HU GE trouble at U
Penn for ca\hng some people
"waterbuffaloes" and told
them to go to the zoo in an
attempt to make them be quiet
while he was studying, was
infromative and moving. They
Camera ham
~'
l read most of the album
.
but I don't feel I can be
review~.
h to criticize
objectwe enoug .
rm still
their music cnt1c1sm..
.
f
reeling from the m1ust1ce o
Automatic /or the People
getting classic status (five
stars[~ 0 *"]) when The fos/Jua
Tree, obviously the best album
in the past 20 years, only got
four stars (** 0 ) . I just don't
trust their music critics to be
objective. 1 should written
those reviews (even if I wasin
high sc h oo 1 w l1en U2 's
masterpiece came out).
There was an article about
k.d. lange, a "lesbian, feminist,
vegetarian canadian" country
music singer who has won "a
grammy and the hearts of
America"; but since I have
little practical knowledge of
this marginalized social
group- and because she didn't
capture my heart- I didn't
read it. Call me a biased
middle class white male
protestant from the heartland
(you'd be right), but ~ just d:dn't
want to read it.
And I didn't even consider
reading William Greider's
article about Bm Clinton. I've
never understood why a music
mag would stoop to the level of
talking about politics.
So that's my review. Hope
you liked it. I just couldn't
think of anything better to say
(what does that tell you?).
tumed out to be black girls With
extremely delicate racial
identities who pressed Speech
Code charges and hied to bring
Eden to his racist knees in
apology. The phrase "black
water buffalo" is defined as a
raciaJ epithet according to the - - - - - - J.l.~h- · universty's Racial Harassment
Iha ..~·· ) - ~ u a
Policy, and "H doesn't matter I
what Eden meant; what
matters is how the words were
interpreted. If the women's
feelings were hurt, then it's
racial harassment ."
Eden
thought this was all just too
Mueller and Grant Young are
cool. Sure, Dave has the really silly to be true, but he
eventually started to feel
cool hair, but Grant's the one
victimized and refused to
with the boyish good looks.
And even if Karl is butt-ugly, cooperate and went public. He
For many years our Money Drawing Buddha h~s
at least he doesn't have to get finally won the case, but not
drawn hundreds of dollars to those who believe m
someone else to play his ba_ss without considerable anguish.
his powers! If you rub his belly faithfully , he will
work his special magic to bring you all the money
when they record. (down wit~ He still stutters when he talks
you could ever need . He can be used in any Money
the SmAshinG PUmpKms .. ) about it.
Drawing ritual over and over agam.
M1142 ... . ................ . ..... · · · .$8.95
Besides, Dave's the one that
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Bein
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woman !nail se~m d
like it musta hap~~ne
. . . body else says
tosome
. '
. '
. 1 ·:"I'm into pl~y.1~
ChadrleY.: ' and not g1v1n
an ov1n
. adamnforthe
rest of my life.''
What Christmas means to me,
or,
Gertrude Stein please report to
the customer service desk we
ha\re found your prose poem on
c URS - ALL fuvj-Ust o. l? cni.t an lff Wt"°r .
THE
the holiday season
gelatin dessert
J;, .
BRAND
N[I WI 307
Money
CAh\l\oS-\- rt\JAt ~ 1-t-~
S~vt +o~ stu.++1~ fG.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy .
Warm fuzzy. Big meal. Warn:.
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Big meal.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Cool present. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Killer Mastercard bill,
spanning the next eight
months in the paying. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. A rose is still an onion.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Trim the tree. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
The Grinch. Yeah, that's it.
The Grinch. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
�Maybe So...
by Mike Augspurger
A rag like this
sometimes gets soaked
with pessimism. Cynicism
continually
smeared all over the
headlines. Wrong, wrong,
wrong. Everything has
problems which must .be
cleaned up. This article
however, will help to Wip~
the slate; no necks will
be wrung here, no
policies taken to the
cleaners. Rhodes may
not be as dirty as we
sometimes portray it
After all, it's mostly just ~
bunch of clean-cut
ivory-skinned kids tryi~
to get by in a washed-up
system. So, Cheers to
the signs that Tide may
be turntng:
lJ The International
Studies master's program
appears to be dead.
Never mind that it
supporters
ignore~
almost
unanimous
faculty opposition to the
program, never mind that
it seemed to be perverttn
the idea of a liberal art~
school, and never mind
that someone tried to
push it through on the
basis of a completel
unrealistic budget. 1 ~
the end, the committee
investigating its possible
~cepU_o!1 recognized that
u would cost four times
the proposed/ supposed
three million dollars, and
a faulty idea died.
2)
The MacLab
directors decided (for the
second or third semester
in a row) to stay open
until two during exam
week and the week and a
half preceding. No one
had even to complain.
3)
Both the Pikes
and the Kappa Sigmas
have gone out of their
"Don't Settle for less."
Will be common practice,
and Rhodes Will become
wa to visibly advertise, the grand ol' community
toy both males and which all of us want it to
females. on-campus open be.
arties this semester. 1
There you have it. A
~ member being told my completely optimistic
r!st year that most Gr~ article. Have a nice day.
arties were open to
p ampus· 1 soon resigned
c
1f to the fact that
~=~as true only in the
sense
that.
s~~·
professors have comp e e
Th b
academic freedom in the
e rew that's all bark, no bite!! classroom. Perhaps one
day this type of gesture
THE RAT'S ASS OFFICIAL STRESS TEST
(All questions adapted from the Stress Test in Briggs Student Center)
(answer al! questions "Grrectlv and honestly.)
1. Every night yoa find yourselfstudying after midnight- add 5pts.
2. If you drink alcohol or use tobacco to alleviate stress- add 5pts.
3. If you procrastinate on ciass assignments- add 5pts.
4. If you use time management skills- deduct 1Opts.
5. If you have a family that bitches at you- add 5pts.
6. If you decide to go watch a movie instead of finishing
that important paper- add 5pts.
7. If you are at least lOlbs. under or over your ideal weight- add 5p
8. If you have sex without any protection- add !Opts.
9. If you dropped out of two of your classes
this semester- add 25pts. and give yourself a pat-on-the-back
10. If you attend Wellness seminars- deduct 25pts
11. If you get up in the morning before 10 a.m.- deduct 20pts
12. If you don't get along with your roommate.-add !Opts
* Brou~ht to you by The R.A. Foundation for Wellness
Stress Test Score Chart
75-65: Good job. Your stress level is not affecting you.
65-50: 0.K.; You need to drop a class and have a beer.
50-35: Trouble. You need to re-evaluate your priorities.
35-0 : Emergency. Find the nearest gun and shoot yourself.
Death is better than the life you have.
Let falling knives fall. (Never
attempt to catch them!)
Nostalgia in advertising: Conipan~es ~ring back
the past to sell everything from sh1pp10g to soup
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 8, 1993, Volume 2, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1993
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 8, 1993. This Issue of The Rat's Ass was the "Special Holiday Issue!!" On the front page Charles Schafar tells a story in the name of pity. Ross Gohlke critics old magazines and how they have no relevance. All the while Clay Combs tells a beautiful Christmas poem. Mike Augspurger tells us why Rhodes isn't as dirty as we portray it on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Schafar, Charles
Gohlke, Ross
Combs, Clay
Augspurger, Mike
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8312a2bf4fc328bc2ee497237fefb43a.pdf
6e0f81e64d9033e10f228349c355c2f1
PDF Text
Text
~uttbay ~uppltmtttt
i>un~~!1 2 may 19 9 3 ~olumt Allin,.
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--------·
»umbtr ®nt
"'We're the j;unba!' j;uppltment that gi1>eg a rat'g an."
FBI Stonns Rat's Ass
Compound. Cult
Members Tar and Feather
Themselves to Fulfill
Prophecies.
by Brian Dixon
In a surprise move late
last night the FBI, feeling tl1at
a peaceful end to the skinnish
was impossible, penetrated Ille
secret location of Ille Rat's Ass
offices. "Things were getting
out of control in tl1ere," stated a
top FBI spokesperson. In
response to tl1e manuevers, cull
members doused themselves
witl1 molasses and jumped into
huge barrels of ckicken
feathers, which they had been
illegally stockpiling for several
weeks. TI1e FBI did blast
several containers of maple
Syrup into tl1e compound,
hoping to drive out U1e
members. However, t11c maple
syrup used was a non-sticking
variety. An FDI syrup
specialist defended Ille actions,
"In no way whatsover did our
blasting maple syrup into-iliecompound have anytl1ing to do
with the horrific actions taken
by the cult. In fact, we used a
fat-free syrup to avoid raising
tl1eir cholesterol levels."
The cult, now
hopefully defunct, has been
printing collages in U1e guise
of accurate student journalism
for at least five weeks. The
FBI began monitoling t11e
situation when cult members
began to prophesy tliat the
journal would double in size
each week, possibly reaching
Ill 1000 page level in a matter
•hs This • of _
course,
e
.
0 f monu•.
was the first in a se~1es of hes
during the tense penod.
Apparently, however,
their promises to tar and featller
memselves and anyone :'ho
attempted to impede tlletr
effo11s was no hoax. "Thank
God none of us were made
subject to their humiliating
torture," said an obviously
relieved Federal Agent.
Another agent, obviously
disu·essed after five weeks of
tense waiting, was heard
exclaiming, "Oh my God
tl1ey're tar and feallle1ing
themselves," as U1e compound
became an oozing, viscous
puddle of molasses.
Humanitarian groups
have criticized tl1e FI31, calling
t11eir surprise attack prematw·e.
"Why didn't they nab tl1e
cultists on t11eir way to cla<>s or
in their dorm rooms," noted a i
concerned member of the liberal ;
free press, "The actions of tl1e
FBI have resulted in a blatant
loss of molasses."
President Clinton,
however, stood by the actions
of tJ1e FBI and tJ1e Atlorney
General, who approved Ille
FBl's plans. "We stand by Ille
actions of U1e FBI and U1e
Attorney General," Clinton said
in an address to Ille nation
minutes after tl1e ordeal was
over. The director of the FBI
praised U1e Federal Agents for
putting their humility on the
line in a potentially
embanassing situation. "The
The Rh o des Co llege
Ce nter
has
Wellne ss
anno unc e d p l ans to h o ld a
series of
instructive
seminar s on two c om mo n
eating
disord e rs,
anorexia
and bulim i a.
i "The college campus like
; Rhodes i s a perf e ct p lace
i for beh a vior patterns
such a s th es e to spr e ad
I like wildfire," s ays the
! Rhodes Co lleg e Welln e ss
Coordinator.
Recently the center
began another aw a r e ness
program with the same
goal:
pos ting the fat
! grams p e r s e rving n e xt to
i meal sel ections in the
Rat .
But that si mply
! wasn't
e n o ugh .
"The
wo men o n this campus just
aren't W l 1 enough," she
e
Federal Agents showed poise.
Despite being showered by
feat11ers, llley never retaliated in
any fashion," remarked the
Attorney General, "I think
we've set a precedent for
dealing wit11 embarassing cults
and oilier counter-culture
groups."
The cult members are
in custody, but have not been
identified as of yet due to l11e
tl1ickness of the chicken
feathers . As soon as t11e
members can be identified tl1ey
will stand tiial and more tlian
likely be scapegoats for a
variety of society's
unexplainable ills.
rrabulae
Rasae
i
I
!
! contin u ed,
"They must
learn
to
trim
t h o se
i tummies
an d hem th os e
; hips·
We felt lik e a
/ progra m which wo uld t ake
/ the girls s tep-by-s t ep
through the proce s s of
j- attaini n g
an
eating
i disord e r
wo uld
be
helpful .
Many women a re
I too shy t o as k q u es tions
l
i a b out th e pro s a nd cons
of the v a rious di sorders;
1many a re left on their
own to ex p er im e nt, and
this c a n hind er th e ir
move tow a rd W llness . "
e
Parties
int er est e d
in
achievin g Welln es s are
, e ncouraged t o co ntact the
\ center, or simpl y wa t ch
l out
for
bulletins
!a nnoun ci ng the pr o g ram ,
je ntitled, "W e ighing Less
·f o r Wellne s s. "
!
I
I
Carnpns virgins.
Once again
Esquire go es ·w here
no E1::t:il
has gone before.
�.·,., , ..... . .
.
. .
.....'."'\,
v · yo u ,;<" ·
··e · ·
. t,.,,., . ... ' ·. .·.· .. <.,:\
.
~· ·~Ha
·''
1
•
Hl'eard:about
ittiCone with Tiddy's
f-:danadian Liqueur? ·
,
,
i~
.
.
\
•
--i~intL Appear During Annu~i-1
.\ Rites Debauch
by Clay Combs
•I
I
have ~
Several students
reported seeing ghostly figures
bearing the likenesses of Jerry ~
Fernandez and Jeff Gadomski, ~
Rhodes's two Patron Saints of
. Financial Aid, during the.Rites of
Spring festival earlier this ~
1
mont h .
;
"I was just standing around
watching th~ end of the [NCA~J
championship basketball] game,
said junior Billy Bill Billings,
"and then I look over and see '
these two guys standing around a
light pole outside Clough, with
their hands folded. I just thought
they had been, you know ,
smokin', or I thought maybe they I
were a couple of fags. Well, I
didn't know what they was, but I I
knew I saw something. It was .
spooky."
I
"It was the most beautiful i
.
I
thing I'd ever seen," said Drucilla i
Festeusc.
"At first I was /'
overwhelmed with awe. Then I
just relaxed and allowed myself to /
get caught up in the moment I I
was moved to interpretive dance." j
The sightings follow a yeaq
.
of controversy surroun d rng 'j
Fernandez and Gadomski. Both!
came to Rhodes under the
pretense of secure fin~ncial ai_d I
. packages, o nly to ftnd thetr l
' scholarships, grants and executive
washroom privileges withdrawn i
'after they had completed one year
of studies. The pair disappeared
under a cloud of suspicion.
There followed a wave of
reactions from all segments of
society.
Several students, '
appalled at perceived injustice,
picketed the Financial Aid office.
They were hosed down with a
solution of Aunt Jemima syrup.
The Arkansas-based Church ·
Saints of Financial Aid .
.Art History Professor David
McCarthy delivered a lecture
entitled "Ben Shahn Meets
1
Fernandez and Gadomski: A
Sacco
and
Vanzetti for
: Postmodern America."
The
· comparison sparked a national
I
[ .
' debate surrounding alleged un air
treatment of students with ethnic
' surnames and firs t names that
.
begin with the letter J.
(Rhodes's
Minister o f
Homogeneity and self-professed
G ood 01' Boy Jim "Whitey"
' Smythe, responded to the
allegations in a CNN press
conference. "The Filipino and
the Yankee?" he said. "No way
did we ever discriminate against
them. They never Jost their
cxecuti ve washroom pri vileges.")
Professor Michael McLain of
the Religious Studies department
published an essay in the ultrahot Journal of Philosophical
Stuff entitled "Visions of the
Patron Saints of Financial Aid :
Delusory o r Veridical?" He
asserted the visions' vcridicality
cannot be rationally admitted
because of the yearly recun-ence
of visions of all sorts around
Rites of Spring, citing past
' reports filed by current Rat's Ass
correspondent Maj or Bat Guano.
Critics of the article claim
the visions could be verified,
even capitali zed upon, if there
1
were pictures. The Rat's Ass
; brings you here the only known
pictures taken during the Rites
appearanc.~:. .._
I
I
I
<>f lhc Sub-Genius sanctified the
n issiil g coll egians as lhr P :i l rrm
- - The campus has calmed
down. But doctors are beginning
to assess delayed effects of the
sai nts' appearance in respo nse to
Moore Moore Moore infirmary
reports of drastic increases tn
complaints from short-term
merp ory lo ss , involuntary
poverty and hallu cinati o ns of
Elvis.
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I The Kritics Korner
I
t
I
I
I Anyone can do a paper-· I
: just ask the kids at Rat's ~
I Ass. Hell, next year why I
I doesn't everybody print a I
I paper next year?" Brett \
I Cullum
l
I- - - - - - - - - ----1
I
11
~uaffmansfiip
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I
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�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass Sunday Supplement, May 02, 1993, Volume 01, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from May 02, 1993. It is the first issue in the satirical series, and is shorter than the rest. It contains a piece by Brian Dixon in which the FBI storms the "Rat's Ass" headquarters. Mike Augspurger writes about eating disorders on campus, and Clay Combs describes ghostly encounters during Rites of Spring. It also features a critique by Brett Cullum. This scan is of a distribution copy. It was printed on a single sheet of standard 8.5" x 11" copy paper.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Brian Dixon, Mike Augspurger, Clay Combs, Brett Cullum
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ea22e3ba47f3479a6db7dbf534ed736.pdf
46e5ff34d30416611af4b0725c98fa2f
PDF Text
Text
fozes
t newspapers at
tliis table"
•
p·
nday 27 August 1993 V 1
o ume 2 Number 1
l
Exclusive Back-toClay's Column
by Clay
Did Somebody Fart?
Scenario: You're sitting
in the Rat after hours. It's
really quiet. You're talking
with some of your new chums
about your high school days,
how those days now seem so
far away, how you're a little
excited and a little scared about
starting out all over again in a
new environment. You share
fears and hopes. You confide
in each other. You accidentally
fart
"Did somebody fart?" asks
one of your new soulmates.
"I don't know, uh, I mean,
I didn't hear anything," you
say.
"Don't look at me," says
another new soulmate. Pause.
"Hey," he or she continues in
your direction, "you did it,
didn'tyou? You farted."
Moment of truth. Or not?
Now, 'fess up. You ain't
gonna tell nobody. You're just
going to lean back in that
wooden chair and deny the
whole thing. Make up some
trash about your chair
squeaking (your wooden chair)
or your stomach growling or
something. Fact is, everybody
knows you farted. You, God
and everybody.
You might as well just
@
0
.th it but we have
come out w1
, of getting
these little ways.
playing
d the s1tuat1on,
,_,._A
aroun.
d letting everyuvuY
sheepish an
they make a
ook when
off the h
get down to
f When you
gaf e.
od farts, makes
it, someb y d him or her
'--Ay aroun
everyovu
ff scot-free.
d gets o
suffer, an
but it can get
Seems harmless.
· es
ridiculous someum '
pretty
r.
C..."-1
00
V
but to the written documents as
they come down to us in this
century. Is it now illegal to
dissent in America? Is
\~
All in favor ofAfigures
say ...
.
'
$ue·
~\ ':)_~.
male with a goatee and glasses.
hat means all women,
nonwhites, eagle-eyes and
clean-shaven types are outta
here. And I have a mole on the
inside of my right forearm.
Guess what that means.
Somebody's farting, folks.
Either we'll giggle giddily and
let it pass or we'll call 'em on
it. Until we start being a little
more honest about things, it's
gonna stink around here.
euoMk
and we all just play along.
A couple of days ago, for
example, I heard a story on the
radio about a town whose city
council had voted to stop
government funding for the arts
because a local theater had
staged plays with homosexual
themes.
The reporter
interviewed several people who
were pleased with the vote,
applauding the council's nod to
"community standards," which
the people implied to be
roughly analogous to Christian
beliefs. Fart.
Is anyone concerned about
the legal rights of the few? I
refer not to the nebulous
Enlightenment-era-natural-lawbased rights our pioneering
politicians may have advanced,
Rat's Ass Proclaimed
Holy Writ
~
thinking
yourse.if
tantamount to forfeiture of
civil privileges?
If so, install me in office.
I'll use my rhetorical powers to
disfranchise anyone I want.
Since Cobb County GA is
taking
care
of
the
homosexuals, I'll leave that to
them. I'll set right to work on
other pesky, troublesome
groups who "threaten" my way
of life simply by not being
me. Let's see-I'm an Anglo
In a controversial move
Thursday,
the
pope
declared the Rat's Ass to be
"holy writ, straight from
the mouth of the Lord."
Biblical scholars have
already jumped into the
ring, one notable academic
countering, "This is just
another Shroud of Turin."
An international team of
acclaimed experts and
college-age deadbeats is
being gathered to conduct indepth research into the
mystery.
Donations will
supply all funding. hint.
by c schafer
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(()(()
J.,f/J The following are excerpts (due to limited space) from President Daughdrill' s "Report to the Board of Trustees," dated
'a April 15, 1993, and distributed to the faculty (but not to any students) around April 22, 1993:
...Growth has been the paradigm we have followed at Rhodes during the 20 years I've been here .
But the economic winds affecting higher education are shifting dramatically ...And what this means for Rhodes is that
we can no longer expect smooth sailing with a strategy based squarely on growth-- on increasing the numbers of students,
the number of services and staffing we offer and the corresponding amount of tuition we charge ...
We must...change the way we do business ...to. be one of the nation's best colleges of liberal arts and sciences .
... As I said at the January Board meeting, I think our chief focus must be on "affordability." By that I mean "furnishing
value for the price." If we are perceived as providing high value for the cost, we will be perceived as affordable.
I believe the most reliable indicator of affordability will be the disposable income of Rhodes parents. Therefore, we
will try to project our future tuition increases as close as possible to the disposable income rate of Rhodes parents ....
The old adage "what gets measured gets done" is largely true .... Now I want to change some of the ways we keep score.
For instance, we have talked about student-faculty ratio on the assumption that the lower the ratio the better the education.
We have talked about student services on the assumption that there was no end to the on-campus services for which students
were willing to pay. These traditional assumptions served us well during traditional times. But the wind has shifted, and I
want to measure not how many professors and staff we can hire per student, thus driving up costs (sic); I want us to start
measuring our productivity.
The measurements that we have deemed important in the past have resulted in our wanting more faculty, more staff,
more books, more release time, more cost, and more tuition. I want to change our incentives so that we will achieve more
productivity, better use of technology, lower costs per student, and lower tuition increases.
I have asked Executive Vice President Harlow to appoint an advisory task force of faculty and administrators to
recomment a division of our merit salary plan that will recognize productivity and cost-saving measures in addition to
teaching, scholarship, and service. We should have this new weighting in place by December of this year.
To ensure that this redefinition will accomplish our new goal of increased value in addition to excellence, we are
putting a cap on hiring both faculty and staff beyond the present number, while projecting a growth of ten students per year.
We will hire only to replace present faculty and staff (Italics added).
How do we achieve productivity? Part of the answer lies in expanded and innovative use of the latest technology. One
of the criteria we will use in purchasing equipment will be "how does this purchase increase productivity in serving our
students?" Measuring productivity may also mean that faculty and staff will be rewarded for increasing efficiences, cutting
cost, and more efficient use of equipment and technology. Clearly it means that each of us must find ways to deliver
excellence without adding more faculty and staff to get the job done. Increased technology and efficiency can enable us to
provid quality and personal attention to our students, but without large tuition increases ....
.
I
'
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
~ ·~
.
.
.
..
courts? )
ff iciencY
call for :rne
d Raquetball
A
Don't Nee
(Maybe we
b,·
...
,~, ,
f_f, k75j/~',j7C"/'
purpose of these two courses was
to have twenty-eight people read
a series of difficult texts, listen
to a professor tell us about the
significant symbolism and
imagery , and move on, the
classes succeeded. But if we were
supposed be taught how to think
through an idea and close read a
fictional text, I'm afraid we were
sorely misserved . I'm also afraid
that President Daughdrill doesn't
understand this.
In his report, Daughdrill
moves on to announce-- bidden
within two and a half pages of
amorphous phrases such as
"traditional times," "increasing
have to teach and make happy a~
many students as we can."
Individual attention is in effect
being discouraged. Who will
teach a direct inquiry, or a small
upper level class in an intense
subject, when it will only
decrease their salary and their
chance at tenure? Mathematics ,
physics,
and
philosophy
professors will be doomed before
they begin. The liberal arts and
diversified study will disappear
at Rhodes.
(In an unrelated thought (?),
this policy also effectively
silences the heavily-supported
faculty petition asking that
former Dean of Academic Affairs
Harmon Dunathon be reinstated
James Daughdrill said at an
"Ask, Talk, and Tell" session in
the Rat last spring that bis
function as President was chiefly
a fund-raising one; be left the
academic decisions to the deans
and faculty- an appropriate
position for a successful
businessman who bas not spent
significant time in a classroom
since be finished graduate
school.
So the question arises :
why, in his Report to the Board
of Trustees, does the President
appear to be single-handedly
changing the direction of the
Rhodes classroom? If Rhodes
needs to cut costs (which is
VIBRA-Barbel/
admirable), why are these cuts
~~':,~~t~~ a b~~bell, becau se
being made in areas the faculty
exercis e apPii~ n~= ~~ 71 ~ ~.n l~ ,
feels to be most important?
~ends a glori o u s tin gle fr~ ~l .
ead to to e with evf!ry motio n
Daughdrill writes in the
: •• m ak~ s yo u feel exhil arat ingly ali ve a// o ver!
report that he wants to "change
the way we keep score . For productivity .. . of the faculty," $4450
instance, we have talked about and "innovative use of the latest .,h M " " ' "
student-faculty ratio on the technology" -- that "we are Wl ag1c Pad
assumption that the lower the putting a cap on hiring of both
Ju.1tclip on the '' J.fagic Pad"
a nd '?ouage away bulges:
ratio the better the education." faculty and staff beyond the
eaa1t lt~d •pot3, F eels good!
The implication is that this present
number,
while as a Chemistry professor. But
assumption is no longer correct. projecting a growth of ten that is another issue.)
. .
No reason for this change in students per year." In other
Making such dec1s10~s
perception is given.
b0 ut the teacher-student ratio
words, thirty people will be in
k ' d of
Last semester, I had two that English class next year, and a
surely requires some m
English discussion courses-- one maybe thirty-one or two the year "alternate"
measure
of
a 300 level course-- with over after that.
excellence. Daughdrill proposes
twenty-five people in each. I
This
move
towards that the answer ~o .more
haven't had over twenty people "efficiency" is also being
"efficient" education hes m the
in an English class since the calculated into teacher's salary
"latest techno 1ogy " -- . new
.
ninth grade. Does this hinder increase and tenure formulas . As
.
eqmpment · "One of the cntena
.
the educational process? If the one professor commented, "We
·11 use in purchasing
we w1
.
. ment will be 'how does this
equip
. . .
urchase increase productivity m
P
serving our stu den t s ?"' Is .be
.
.
referring here to the $1 7 nulhon
Ruthie Stevenson, Manlbeddeder
...;:;;:,.~--- - --1
How will a computer explain the
intricacies of Paul Tillich or late
developments in the Middle
East? The frightening fact is that
Daughdrill has no solid idea
which will counteract the loss of
faculty-student contact. In most
of the liberal arts , nothing can
take the place of individual
attention; this is one of the
~uths which has made colleges
like Rhodes so attractive.
The ultimate problem with
~resid.ent Daughdrill's viewpoint
hes in the opening of his
speech. "If we are perceived as
providing high value for the
cost, we will be perceived as
affordable " (Italics added) .
Daughdrill is a fund-raiser, not a
scholar. To him, and the people
he deals with, the difference
between 12: l and 15: l is slight.
To the serious student and the
professor,
it
is
very
considerable. To Daughdrill, a
Campus Life Center impresses
visitors. To a student and a
professor, it makes an afternoon
game of racquetball a little more
pleasant.
business
approach
A
towards growth has brought
Rhodes to national prominence
over the last twenty years. The
goal now must be to make
Rhodes the most effective center
of learning possible. It is time
for the students and faculty-- the
scholars-- to take Rhodes
· ~ College back as their own .
What other campus publication
would miss Seinfeld to bring
you hard copy the first Frida
of school?
Y
Mike Augspurger, Editor Scluneditor
Clay Combs, Predator Editor
Brian Dixon, Predicate Editor
Jeff Gadomski, Etiquene Editor
Pat Garrett, Methereditor
Julie Meiman, Wetabeditor
Chuck Shaffer, Fetacheddartor
____
Campus Life Center ? I w d
·
on er.
Rhodes alr
.
eady has a top of the
1me comp t
u er system and
language lab. Where
next? H
.
do we go
·
·
ow will " technology"
improve that English class ?
That's what we thought!
When it comes time for
our crack Allocations Board to
hold their annual convention in
Atlantic City, just remember
who loves ya, baby.
·Eun foY people who hat
-~e
.
mountains
�The Memphis Nationalist:
Over Easy Please
by Brian Dixon
GUARAN;~E;dO~ft;~a;;~t;HUNDED
\
lJ..~;.f)~
1.·~~
Supp-hose·
In a time when our
culture seems to pride itself on
attending to almost any issue of
discrimination that can be
constructed to exist by our
overactive minds, there seems to
my mind to be a fairly
significant one that has yet to
issue forth from the issue
here. You may be thinking to
factory: the olfactory issue. I
yourself that this is an extremely
have a personal stake here; I do
artificial problem for me, a
not bathe on a particularly
problem that I could easily
regular basis . I assure you,
remedy by s~owering daily. I
faithful reader, that it is not the
could do so. But where is the
artificiality in this situation?
unusual occasion upon which the
comer of my eye detects the
Certainly my odor is natural. Of
subtle nodding of heads or a
course, we have to Jive close
vulgar
sneer
meant
to
together here on this college
communicate ungentle feelings
campus,
so
abandoning
ourselves completely to dirt and
about my odor. This troubles me
and strikes me as unnecessarily
perspiration is impractical.
judgmental; that is, a negative
However, bathing fully every day
judgment is applied to me solely
is a fairly uncommon custom
because I carry the natural odor of
worldwide and the American
sweat Now there may be those
obsession with the daily rinse is,
among you who are already
by and large, the exception to
finding fault with my complaint · the rule. Surely, departures from
this standard should, within
reason, be viewed with tolerance.
If it is not acceptable to make fun
··· of a person's dress or lifestyle,
we can certainly refrain from
meeting variant hygienes with
upturned noses.
by charles schafer
- o:yo1?- make
D
these
common
mistakes
With the term dinner
shamelessly interchanged with
lunch, meal terminology can
be a source of great
consternation. Liberals, like
that vixen Susan Sontag,
argue that this breakdown of
ambiguous language is
necessary for a modem society,
that the rules governing the
amalgamation of low and high
culture should also apply at
the table.
I find great comfort
that no one has similarly
attacked breakfast. For now,
there is a consensus that
breakfast should be called just
that. In this we can rejoice
because the power of a good
breakfast is staggering and
unchallenged. A well done,
and I don't mean overdone,
breakfast sets the tone for a
day offering · limitless
possibilities. Poorly executed,
breakfast leaves- a bitter
disposition and a longing to
return to bed. Speaking to
liberals on the campus and the
morally bankrupt everywhere,
I realize that this is not
necessarily a negative quality.
Nonetheless, breakfast, good
or bad, is the best way to start
the day - with food.
For the most part, the
RAT provides a decent
breakfast, especially if you
drink the sometimes stout
coffee. There are, however,
several other well appointed
breakfasts to be found in the
City.
Offering down home
southern fare, Ferguson's is
perhaps the most familiar
breakfast joint to Rhodesters.
A weekend visit will usually
find one or two students
I
enjoying fried eggs (over easy
please), sausage (patties
preferred) and biscuits slathered
in milk gravy. Ferguson's
specialty is country ham and
red-eye gravy, a concoction of
ham drippings and coffee, and
offers such delicacies as
country hash and pork brains.
Ferguson's uniqueness,
though, is not the food, but its
steadfastness. The restaurant
is, and has been for several
decades, located at 3171
Summer A venue. The sign
out front. Its real. The swivel
stools at the counter. Real.
Stepping into Ferguson's is
like stepping into the 19.SO's,
an era of innocent confusion.
Lunch may have been dinner,
but it wasn't because of some
modern liberal mambo jambo.
The
Barksdale
Restaurant, located on Cooper
near Peabody, offers much of
the same menu found at
Ferguson's.
The main
difference is the atmosphere.
Where Ferguson's is stylized,
the Barksdale is plain and
simple. Unless, of course,
you consider the celebrity
portraits that line the walls.
Some are well known and
some are, well, obscure. Once
again, however, the hand of
the wicked liberal is present.
Professional wrestlers and
athletes share the wall of fame
with country singers and soap
stars, in a confusing
intermingling of society's has
beens, never beens, and once
weres with the who's hot.
What better place for this
confusion to happen than a
restaurant which probably
serves dinner when they should
be serving lunch. Don't fret.
Just grab a biscuit and enjoy
your breakfast. No one is
trying to call it what it isn't.
Yet.
HOMEWARD BOUND
r
Guard against
SEA 'SICKNESS
l\10THERSILL'S
INVALUABLE,
SEA- SICK
IT
REMEDY
POSITIVELY
IS
PREVENTS
0
... about '~~iskey?
&.
cuRES' · SEA~ AIR. &:
TRAIN
SICKNESS
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 27, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from August 27, 1993. A headline reads "Exclusive Back-to-school Issue!" Clay Combs writes about farts and honesty. Excerpts from President James Daughdrill's "Report to the Board of Trustees" are published alongside a response by Mike Augspurger. Brian Dixon and Charles Schafer fill the back page with opinion pieces. This is the first full-sized issue in the collection with four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Brain Dixon, Charles Schafer, James Daughdrill, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, Ruthie Stevenson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/3aa0d42bb5647b3d9dbed0d9c4fc27fa.pdf
3baf48faedee99f106fac974b240e8ab
PDF Text
Text
.- ~ Friday 3 September 1993
Volume 2 Number 2
~~
I
Am
Not
your .- friends for
will
your college career, and
they're all in one Greek
organization,
and you
can't wait to learn the
secret handshake, I can't
ask you to do anything
but pledge .
But if y ou
can, t mak e up your mind
between t he Kappa Sigs
and ATO, or if you want
to pledge be c au s e
ir
wo uld ma k e Dael pr o ud 0 1
y o ur
fri e nd s b r.tc l<. h o 1n 0·
jealous, o r if you ju s t
haven't met anyone in
-oe weeks and need t o
Greek
Bashing!
We ll, maybe a li tt le
by Mike Augspurger
My Dad went to a
small liberal arts school
called Wabash, a shining
spot of learning in rural
Indiana . "The Har vard of
the We st, • the hundred
and fifty year - old sch ool
Dad loved
calls itself.
Still goes back
Wabash .
every year .
And when h e
returns,
the place he
goes back to is the FIJI
hou se.
When I arrived on
-Rhodes campus my first
year, I knew I was go i ng
to be in a frate rnity.
That was what college was
all about, as far as I
knew.
Living together
with
the
same
guys,
hanging out and shooting
h oops and th rowing the
frisbee, or having a beer
on a Saturday afternoon.
A
guy
co uld
mak e
. friendships that wo uld
last forever.
Three weeks into
school, I dropped out of
The quest i on of
rush.
which fraternity I wanted
to
join
had
become
outdated; I didn't want a
part o f any of them .
Somewhere in those three
weeks I recognized that
for me the whole system
didn't
make
sense.·
Talk i ng with
friends,
from people who hadn't
to
new
even
rushed
familiar
pledges,
a
sentiment
was,
"My
decision was the best for
me, I think, but I wish
the choice hadn't been
there.•
By Bid Day, I
was fairly certain that
Imagine ...
TT.r
_.h.,,ck
n£Ut,u
B
fee l a pact of something,
I u c ge you to reconsidec.
The Gceek system
is not ev i l .
It .i s ,
unnecessary,
howevec,
l~
e xpensive , stcessful, and
y iso T~g~- -.·an..,,,!_~;--=--,,,_...__,......,.,..,,..,~~~:~~\t. Rhodes
_1 . 1. .......
.
~
can d o
LETTER TO UNEDITOR
8
year
student:
1)
Go
Greek, and in many ways
lock yourself
into a
sing l e socia l scene, or
2) Stay independent, and
lock yourself out of a
soc ial scene.
Unfortunately,
I
can hardly suggest that
the
Greek
system
at
Rhodes be abo li shed.
It
n ot
just simply will
am
happen .
What
I
suggesting , though,
is
this:
if you are a
first-year student and
you don't want to make a
choice, stay independent.
Let the system die from
lack of i nterest, or at
least
shrink
considerably, so future
classes won ' t have to
worry about i t. over the
last three years, . I have.
seen the "locked out•
In your recent artic
Mr. Combs, entitled "c
Somebody Fart" you co
to the conclusion that ti
city council in Col \
County, GA is guilty ,
breaking civil righ ·
laws, "disfranchisin c
homosexuals,and stifl i;
dissenting opinions. As
read your article a t
finished my Rat burg
one day at lunch, my mir
wandered back to my
hour Logic class and t i
format of cogent
arguement. Conclusio r
and assertions were fou n·
in a plethora,
bu
premises and facts we 1
co r'\ h.f\U e.. d
.J
l'/C.
f"Y>..f ""
f".
SO'- I
'Z..
�not to be found in your
article. Questions like
this were asked:
--"Is anyone concerned
about the legal rights of
the few?"
--"Is it now illegal to
dissent in America ?"
. --"Is
thinking
for
' yourself tantamount to
forfeiture of
civil
ti . privileges ?"
Vintage Rhodes:
Reflections of an Academic
Degenerate
blaming them on the highpowered air-conditioner and
shocking
myself at the
realization that for the first
By: Graham YAHWEH Robertson
time since I left my friends and
Interstate 40 West still
1
The questions you should
have answered- but
didn·' :t- are these:
d11 llwnh. 01 100'6i _.,,n c•tl•ri
c1l1< c-blri11l1ri1 11
--What civil rights laws
H .95 . Trunh
were broken ?
--How
Burning Down the House
was
anyone
by Julie Meiman
stopped from dissenting ?
--How was any form of
I would hate to see this \
free thinking stifled ?
fine institution burn. to the ,
sec ///fl. c/l 'en L/?5+~/i JN
ground; I have no desire to call a ! .
7 ', t < ''
_
__
/7"'l f'T. 'a
MALOLO (r) LICHT BRIGADE 1t&IJ:r11nl1I 1trlp1 jacket wilh 8rltl1h 1cctntu
coUu 1nd WWtr ·1i11 p1d.1I. SIMll l11H 1Mit11111. n.-11 wllh 11ilortd rro1 1
h1
1old/red ,
t rtr / 11,.n . J1ek1I
$4 .95 .
t
charred wasteland my alma mater.
Likewise, it would be a pity if the
Vatican were engulfed in flames.
(They've got plenty of candles-it could conceivably happen.)
The parallels between Rhodes
College and the Vatican are
striking: namely, they are both
run by stodgy white men who
enjoy dictating policy from on
high. · (As a side note: I have
nothing against stodgy white
men, really ... jusl the two to
whom I am referring in this
article--His Holiness the Pope
and His Holiness Dig Daddy
Jim.)
A new residence hall
policy, enacted at the beginning
o
o f "this schci" l year , states :
"Candles, incense, or any other
open flame device are not
permitted in residence hall
rooms" (R.C. Student Handbook,
p.26).
As a member of the
Catholic Church, and , therefore,
a spokesperson for the Pope and
the Church in its entirety, I must
state that we are highly offended
by this policy and its higher
implications. Although initially
enacted as some flimsy means of
preventing fires, it is clearly a
direct attack on the Catholic
C hurch by the governing
Protestant institution of this
school.
Rhodes is supposedly
"committed to the position that
the students should formulate
their own person al philosophy
in dialogue with a Christian
perspective on these issues in an
ll mosphere whi ch encoura ges
·
P
5
turns into Sam Cooper Blvd.,
protecting all those nifty little
creatures from far off places
kept in cages: Rhodes .. . .. . and
the ZOO of course . My
cynicism is on guard, in rare
form and two gears higher than
the overdrive in my new Honda
__ just one of the products of
my year-long hiatus from the
ivory towered walls I loved so
well. I turn the comer and find
myself alone on the divided
highway at 2 :00 AM, Atlanta
time. 1 know 1 won't be able
to fight the emotions much
longer. As 1 zoom under
Graham St. Exit the nostalgia
engulfs me. I hold back tears,
foes in Memphis I, the
consummate bastard, am giddy.
My first hours back on
campus are spent in close
company with a dear friend.
.
Sitting together in White Hall
we're alone with our thoughts,
cigarettes, religion and each
other.
I never knew how
lonely I was until I had a little
company.
As I stumble around
campus for the next few days
tracking down my ancient
syllabi for my alleged transfer I
am bombarded by hugs, kisses
and handshakes from friends I'd
left behind. My unwarranted
tenacity and fear from being
away for so long falls by the
wayside as I am suddenly back
~f~r~e~ed70~1~n~~o~f~:t~h=o~u:g:h:t-a~n~d::-"'__,~~~~~;o:e~b=>;_,,,,.,._:1_;;..~=-~•m;;:===-=--...,,~-o;=-·.-~~';::;::::::~~~:::=i.....-...__
··
. .
expression for all " (Rhodes
Catalog). Well. I'm feeling
disencouraged. I think the Pope
has some rule that says (I'm
paraphrasing) "Prayers will be
answered promptly and , most
efficiently if candles are lit and
the person offering the prayer is
gagging on incense ." . The man
has spoken--we Catholics have a
lot of rules, , and we fo.llow them
"" YES, THA-r '5 HE'~ HeR£
-rl'fE 1>&$K. I l> L1KE
o A?Pa..y f'~ -n..: 5•1>Etr:: IC:( fO~r-TIC»J You
°"'
A~l~liD.
...........
I
whether they make sense or not.
As far as I know, the
Protestants do not have any sort
of rules concernin1( operi flames
(this doesn't include hell, of
course); thu-s, the average
Presbyterian, Lutheran, etc . isn't
affected by this new policy.
I think the Pope would
agree that this policy is
discriminatory and harmful to the
future of the Church. I think it's
also noteworthy that the Vatican
has been lighting candles and
incense since the beginning of
time (or thereabouts), and it
hasn't had any major fires that I
know of. The Pope--again, with
me as his spokesperson-recognizes this attack and
challenges Mr. Daughdrill--or
should I call him Martin Luther?-to a fight in the amphitheatre at
3:00
tomorrow . . . Catholics
versus Protestants, just like the
old days. In the spirit Christian
love, the Pope sends his words of
eternal wisdom : " Hey. You
started it."
in the •groove.•
All the friends I Jove and
missed are around me once
again. I am hearing all the
same complaints I once carried
on my back: difficult classes,
mega-stress, student poverty, a
dubious
administration
operating with more secrecy
than the Gestapo -- allowing
rumors to persist because
they're too coward! y to give the
students the truth, the drudgery,
and the futility of all things
under the sun. But now, here,
tonight, on the eve of my
second departure the giddiness
returns. I finally realize what
the mysterious power is that I
miss so much about Rhodes:
the friends. That was and is
my solace, my salvation. The
small pieces of me that I see
reflected in those I was closest
to.
The communitas, the
conversations I no longer can
afford because of work
schedules, "doing lunch,"
making rent, and"paying off the
mountain of . school loans I
unknowingly accrued. This is
what ·l've sacrificed, what I've
lost.
If you haven't made
friendships of this caliber or
you have but are taking them
for granted stop and realize how
special your time at Rhodes
really is.
Everyone: I love you, you're '.
not forgotten just dearly
missed. Thanks.
. FOR
LI-FE
OR
LONGER. .. GMR
p(}ft:\ '"'th "i
51R.
y~
~tl>EPISU IS UEt(E
••• LOOIC.S LIKE
ESCARQOT M4A1,\i !
E'~ .... No. sra~KICK.
I
StfOVL.O Col1i
SACK
AFTER L.1,1tJC+f.
~~i~~~~~~2~~~?tf~
'
~~
'45"/.fir
The R.A. (I was
informed at press time that the
name The Rat's Ass is the
intellectual property of issue
one and cannot be used in
issue two) triumphantly
returned from a summer hiatus
last week with its Exclusive
Back to School Issue, once
again displaying that the
writers, even during the first
week of school, have nothing
better to do. After reading the
issue, I took a moment to
reflect and offer this critique.
Immediately apparent
is the paper's use of blatantly
sexist clip art. Culled from an
ad in a mid-sixties Esquire, the
snippet supports the notion
that less weight is more, that
to catch the eye of the steely
hunk the woman should have a
nice figure. However, the
paper's attempt at mere
montage should not be viewed
as
approval of the sexist
ideo!'ogy advanced by the ad.
Rather, it serves as a reminder
that .now hopefully obsolete
'
attitudes (but who are we
kidding?) were once rampant in
our" culture. The editors are
obviously appealing to the old
adage that history forgotten is
doomed to repeat. With this is
mind, look for The Rat's Ass
"Piece of Cheese" centerfold in
future issues honoring the
1940's calender artist, Vargas.
In another
controversial move, the paper
allows the use of the word
an
--........, ...
Dr em el
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
"fart" in C. Combs article
"Did Somebody Fart?"
Bringing to light a current
snafu in art legislation,
Combs uses the "f' word to
describe the odious actions of
the Cobb County, Georgia
government. When asked to
defend his verbal bravado,
Combs pointed out that fart
pronounced backwards is traf,
which rhymes with the name
of tennis star Stephie Graf. Of
course, the Cobb County
commissioners play tennis.
The implications, according to
the stunned editors, were too
great for a substitute phrase
such as "blow an air biscuit"
or the textbook "flatulate" to
be used.
The olfactory debate
waf~ its way to the back page
in C. Schaeffer's untitled
article supporting his right to
a natural, albeit repugnant,
body odor. A close read
reveals that Schaeffer is
actually forming a relationship
between his smelly persona
and the paper itself.
Schaeffer's demand that variant
hygienes be accepted sans
criticism from the showering
public is analogous to the
paper's desire to exist on
campus in its makeshift, some
may call it smelly, form.
Schaeffer's article, along with
Give
the repeated cut and paste logo,
forms an adroit conclusion to
~the issue.
electric
shoe polisher
Wonderful to Own. ·. . Exciting to
,P
,J.
The local theater was not '
stopped from showing the
plays nor were people
banned from attending the
play if they so chose to do
so. The only action that
took place was that
government funding was
no longer allocated to the
arts. Without answering
the questions above and
providing any facts for
your assertions, one must
come to the conclusion
that your arguement is
one big FART! Now, 'fess
up.
-- Chris Brown
Whispers of
Superficiality: A review
of last week's issue
by Brian Dixon
•
© ,
cd
r:J')
·-
Lava'• Laap of Illuaination
(Ode to Bsae)
Blue-green lava falls and swells in a primal rhythm
Like bare emotions
· Unearthed by honest digging.
A light fran within forms impressionsShadows of life and deathAn affirmation of the natural order.
A synthetic nature of blue bubble-blobs
Bearing the essence of soul-made philosophieaEons of questions without answers.
It pulses with a separate energy
And tranquility.
Reason is a treatise with realityImagination is the child of ~
Wiadan is the on,l y tranagreHionKnowledge is a f~ress of glass.
Burp.
Belch.
The wind is broken.
And illumination passes from me
With the aftermath of that chili dog
From Burney'& Burger Barn.
�TELEVISION AS A MOTIF OF
CULTURAL CORROSION (or,
why I like Roger Waters'
"Amused To Death")
by Ross Gohlke
The
first
impression
startled me like a pick-axe
to the head (did I say
startled?). I was lying on
the floor, half-asleep and
tuned out to the CD player.
Then suddenly- CHOP CHOP
- the piercing rhythm of an
axe splitting wood; I'd
already slept through the
nuclear explosion which
nearly gave my dozing
roommate a heart attack.
rock band, this time he
needs to stand on his own
two feet, and I need a
justification for not talking
about Pink Floyd.
But
Waters doesn't just stand
up. He looks you straight in
the eye, and sometimes
even gets close enough to
spit in it. Or hit you over
the head with a pick-axe.
Catcher In the Rye or
maybe Naked Lunch (the
movie).
Yet to call it
simply music is misleading.
"Amused to Death" is more
recorded performance art.
Sound effects litter the
entire album, bleeding some
songs
together
and
completely altering the
moods of others. There are
narratives also, and it
Perhaps the key to the
success of "Amused to
Death" is this balance of so
many different things, in
the curious juxtaposition of
delicacy and bloodletting,
the engagement of various
senses, the range of topics
addressed- everything
from the "Melrose Kids" to
"What God Wants" to
Tiananmen
Square in
"Watching TV"- "She's the
one in fifty million I Who
can help us to be free I
Because she died on TV."
You cannot simply listen to
this album; you must
experience it. Consid,e r it
an intense alternative to
watching
"Roseanne"
reruns some night; or
every night.
My first exposure to Roger
Waters'
latest effort
"Amused To Death" had
nothing to do with music,
which says a lot about why
this release has not
. received mountains of
attention from the music
press, although its been on
the market since 1992.
The second listening, in the
same dimly lit room with
the same crappy CD player
(apologies
to
my
roommate), this time with
both ears wide open, gave
me a clearer sense of what
this album is about, what a
mammoth
and
gutsy
undertaking it was, and just
how refreshing it is. The
sheer magnitude of Mr.
Waters' ambition alone is
admirable.
But it just so
happens that he's created a
work 01' art, which i1' not
entirely
flawless,
is
nonetheless a little gem
worthy of a listen. Well,
you really have to hear it
more than once. And you
ought to be awakealthough I have to admit it
was a pretty cool way to
wake up.
And don't try comparing
this stuff to Pink Floyd.
Although there's plenty 01'
that psychedelic influence
that made Waters famous
as a founding member of
' England's premier 70's art
quality of sound on each
track.
Even with my
roommates'
cheesy
jambox, I jumped up to
answer the phone at one
point. It just kept ringing.
By the same token, Waters
takes his music seriously,
enlisting the help of such
notables as Jeff Beck and
Don Henley to create a
dark, dirty and blue music
with integrity.
Whatever the term "college
music" has come to mean
these days really has little
to do with being in college;
and I doubt that "Amused To
Death" will ever make it to
the College Hit List- or any
hit list for that matter. Yet
Waters has produced
something that sounds more
like what should be blasting
from dorm room stereos
than any imitation grunge
sound
or
Let's-CallOurselves-Crotch rocketMam a band.
It's the
musical equivalent of, say,
wouldn't be stretching it to
call Waters' strained vocals
more
narration
than
singing. Many of the lyrics
are simply poetry painted
onto a canvas of sounds- or
perhaps it's sounds painted
onto a canvas of words?.
Regardless of how you see
it, there is no denying the
strong visual imagery
rnni11rPrl hv thP r.hnir.P ~nd
As is the case anytime
someone points the finger,
especially at well-dressed
people sitting comfortably
around big TV sets in nice
houses, there ought to be
criticism of unfair heavyhandedness. I don't hear
anything. OK, I'll say it.
The album gets a little
weighty. I mean, look at
the cover art! Forget about
understatement. And then
there's that line from "Too
Much Rope", the same song
with the axe: "Give any one
species too much rope, I
And they'll fuck it up."
But Waters' words are so
intriguing and the music so
eloquent, I can forgive him
. for being intense and
thought-provoking. In fact,
he's given those of us
monkeys without TV's
something to do.
�
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The Rat's Ass, September 3, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 02
Subject
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Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 03, 1993. This is the first issue in the collection to feature a "Letter to Uneditor". It contains a critique of Greek life from Mike Augspurger, and a review of a policy restricting open flames in dorms by Julie Meiman. Graham Robertson writes a farewell to Rhodes, Brian Dixon reviews the previous week's issue, and Ross Gohlke defends an album. This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
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Mike Augspurger, Julie Meiman, Graham Robertson, Bill Wiggleston, Brian Dixon, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/29bc163ed00db249c6b8abac0320e4d5.pdf
7099606be4de4ffc7b8b2f87d5cb9f48
PDF Text
Text
Volume II Issue 3 September IO, 1993
'lt
-~ .
a;;__-:--~
/
"The only paper on campus with Tin its masthead Except one other. "
0
\~ Special ~~~:~,~~ 1 ~etal Issue!
The Earth Is ' Flat
The Holocaust Didn't Happen
e Greek System Is Nifty
Th
by Charles Schafer
You
know,
I'd
always heard that the
Greeks were supposed to
be logical.
Yet in Chris
Gilreath's
Sou'wester
article entitled "What is
Rush, Anyway?" I see
traces of logic's evil twin,
illogic.
I wonder what
city-state Mr. Gilreath is
from - perhaps Crete.
I'd i;h_
to point out here that
while,
certainly,
all
Greeks are not Cretans, all
Cretans are Greeks. I have
~z;~:~vki -~)
e ,.
But I really sliould
stop going off like this.
It's just that I'm a little
worked up.
That is, I'm
really excited.
Let me
explain why.
According
to Mr. G, "you do not haye
to be someone's fraternity
brother to be his friend "
Imagine -- I had been
going to Rhodes for over
three
years
miserably
convinced that because
(
today, thank ends, and th
:ound out th s to Mr. G
ave friend a,t I really
thou h
s.
G
~
t
g ·
I h
et this
oo hap
s ouJdn 't
'
says I PY, because A1 get
Wh
shouJdn 't
,v1r. G
e;
c:"
(,>~)
~
~,~,
t
•,
I
/)
~·
to
M
'
r. G's
well-reasoned and wellsupported argument, I am
feeling
crushed
and
inferior. No, don't worry,
I'll get over it.
I'm
embarking on a personal
program to make myself
(Non-Greek though I am)
more active and visible
around campus. In fact, I
would like to make my
shining white ass visible
to
all
"Greek
Issues
Editors"
and
"Interfraternity
Council
Presidents"
at
Rhodes .
Nothing personal, Mr. G .
Rat's Ass in Vice President
Gore's Performance Report
by Brian Dixon
10. Use regular Scotch tape
instead of the nifty, but costly,
magic tape.
9. Stop sending probes to
Mars. Oops! Wrong
performance report.
8. Print issues on used SIR
forms. What else are they
good for?
7. Serve Beenie-Weenie at
staff meetings instead of pork
tenderloin and escargot.
6. Pay staff salaries with old
Burger King coupons.
5.
en you run~
coupons eliminate the staff "
entirely by investing in stateof-the-art technology.
4. Use Diamond Jim's
personal copy machine.
3. Stop poking fun at our
administration. Oh wait! You
mean the Rhodes
administration.
2. Eliminate printing fees by
passing out copies of last
week's Sou'wester instead. It's
a much better read.
1. Stop sending the damned
paper to the Oval Office.
�)
~ "CL-qt-:.S ft s_s ~ ~·"
C v-vcc
·b\'-F+.-_ .,
Under Cover
TO BE OR NOT TO BE A
Agents
CHRISTIAN COLLEGE
le S
c
By Pleetway
by:chris brown
holds ?
Also, if Rhodes V\
\o t-\--\e,rIn his address to
does
not
require
the incoming freshmen and
~
\.~
"intellectual adherence to
t ransfer
students,
creedal religion• or some
President Daughdrill qouted
form of affirmation to
a Bible verse to my
certain Christian truths,
amazement and I am sure to
how does the College know
the surprise of my fellow
that they have hired a
students. He proclaimed to
Christian? Doesn't one
the over-crowded sanknow whether a person
ctuary of Evergreen Pres.
belongs to a particular
Church that "the fear of the
religion by what that
LORD is the beginning of
individual adheres to and
knowledge.• As all good
embraces as truth?
incoming students do, I read
As for the other
through
the
college's
statements that the College
catalogue and some other
claims are true, I will let
paraphernalia that I had
you decide for yourself if
received from the college.
the College is being honest
As I combed through the
or if it is lying. If the
93-94
catalogue
and
College is lying, then put 1
Rhoda's College Statement
of
down the Rat's Ass, get off \'
of Christian Commitment
and
YJ2JlL Ass and report the ~
and Church Relationship, trustees are Christians.• In
Administration to the Honor 11 n
..
my eye was caught by ( another statement Rhodes
Council.
·\ ,....._ CA. t )
makes the disclaimer that
statements like these;
\ "the College does not
·"The College maintains a require
intellectual
climate
in which the\ adherence
to
creedal
Christian
faith
is religion and that Rhodes
nurtured",
\ does not exclude persons
- "The College ensures that from
its
faculty,
adthe Christian faith is ministration, or governing
clearly articulated",
bodies who may hold other
-"(Rhodes) creates a views.•
Now,
it
is
1
climate
in which the ' impossible to hire "a J.A.r.wt
Christi an
faith
is majority of Christians" and
reasonably
and
per-, n..2.1. exclude others who
suasively presented.•
hold different views. The
-"(The College) is dedicated College, by its own mandate
to a special witness to the is under an obligation to
Christian faith"
hire "a large majority of
.·"(Rhodes) sees to it that a Christians", thus forcing
large majority of trustees, the College to discriminate ,
administrators, and faculty' on the basis of personal .....___ _ _ _ _._____.___~__,._____
are Christians"
beliefs. Another statement
S1.-uc::;a IS ti. Loot<, 1s
·"The College is committed . that Rhodes makes that
l 'M A S1..oa..
/
'"IHERE 50>1E:O""E"
to higher education set in a contradicts itself from the
No..J, Now ••. SELf- E~£ I coot..D r-'LK
Christian
frame
of \ above quote is "The
"Tl) ?
E~T£EM /~ El/ER'treference.•
College's Christian com1)f I o\IG., UJ .\ .51 DE From statements like these · mitment
and
church
l'M ONLY )\- "T'EMI>,
f(ICt<. So, Tl\KE A
and other well polished relationship is more than
You f<tJoW. /'11 "or
CC 6 Qb t.otJa._ Looti:; AT
sentences
affirming assent to a set of vague
GE111flla.. PAt.p foR
"(OO(~El.f i '"f'ELL.
T"tfl!) STRESS"Christian ideals", one 1 values
or
sentimental
Me How '{olJ
tJOULJ:> I>esc 1::'1.BE
comes to the conclusion emotions.• If Rhodes is so
WI\~ yoo :SEE.
that Rhodes is an oasis of committed to more than
Christian learning among just "vague values and
"the colleges of today that sentimental emotions", then
11 I I/(
have a secular outlook. why won't Rhodes at least
One particular point that is have their "large majority
worth exploring is the of Christians" believe the
claim
that
"a
large! same view that the College
(l~\V'..'
d,o '
• \/\ \)
+v
c
\V\I\
IN TJIE p
&
,
t
t
of.
I
I
·1
\
'
•
odes Security Council
Unveils New Goal:
No Faculty
Rhodes administration
wigs are abuzz over the
Security Council's new plan
for the college. Taking to
heart President Daughdrill's
April 22 address (see The
Rat's Ass, Volume 2, Number
1), the Council have stepped
forward
with
a bold
recommendation: get rid of all
faculty
by 2010.
The
recommendation follows the
· president's emphasis on more
efficient use of school funds
and the latest technology.
"You
can see the
president's subtext as clear as
day," said one anonymous-byrequest administration lackey.
"It's time to ring out the oldfashioned, inefficient live~ teacher classroom and ring in
the cost-effective electronic
classroom."
The Security Council's
plan calls for the complete outphasing of the human element
in
Rhodes
classroom
instruction by 2010. Amidst
the international race to
develop fiber optic technology,
the Council see higher
education heading faster and
deeper into the farthest recesses
of the microchip.
"Two words: fiber optics,"
said Security Council Tsar
Seamus Hailey in his address
to the faculty and staff. "We
must see here and now the
benefits
of
computer
networking and anticipa~e the
radical changes that lie ahead in
the field of education.
"The students of tomorrow
will have access to the sharpest
minds at work in any given
field. The experts will be able
to deliver lectures to thousands
of students at once, and they
available for
"will
be
consultation at any time, from
any remote comer of our nowminiscule globe. Classroom
teachers, obviously, are fast
becoming obsolete."
As is to be expected, the
new plan has drawn some
criticism from current faculty.
"We're a little uneasy about
this," said one anonymous-byrequest professor. "I mean, in
fifteen years we'll all be
pushing grocery carts around in
the streets . We'll be hitting
you up for money and then
psychoanalyzing you on the
basis of whether you do or do
not cough it up. Nobody
wants that."
"What's more," said
another professor, "nobody has
really speculated as to the effect
on the students. What will
result from a complete loss of
perso nal contact between
students and faculty? The
Socratic dialogue will be
reduced to spiritless molecules
of phosphorus."
But the Security Council
will brook no nay-saying on
that issue. "We don't believe
molecules of phosphorus to be
completely without spirit,"
said Hailey. "On the contrary,
we think they have lots of
spirit. Lots!"
Whatever the feeling
around campus, it appears the
plan has already become the
New Campus Order. Several
untenured faculty have been
sacked, and more are on the
blocks.
In an auxiliary decision,
the Council amended the
president's plan of adding ten
w students per year to fifty
ne
· ·
the
new students, bnnging
roiected totals for the year
P J
.
2010 to approx1ma t ely 2200
students, 0 faculty. As ther~
been no mention o
h as
h es
dditional computer pure as ,
a
. ed
ber of work
.
the project num
.
. expected to hold
stations is
steady at 200 or Jess.
-30480 words
�\"'
To Tow and not to Toe
by Ruthie Stephenson
If you're ever in
England and you want to go
for a nice stroll like the
English, you've got two
splendid choices of the
footpath and the towpath.
In the countryside,
you can choose the
footpath, a narrow path
marked by walkers.
It
goes through fields and
pastures with property
boundaries
marked by
locked gates or fences.
However,
since
the
footpaths are to be
accessible,
property
owners build steps so
walkers can easily step
over any fence or gate.
A different option
is taking a stroll along the
canal on what the English
call a towpath. On first
hearing
the
word
"towpath," however. . I
made the connection with
"toe"
instead of "tow."
It was a physical
learning experience and
adventure that taught me
the difference between the
two paths.
For an
afternoon out, I was told
that I could ride a bike
from Bradford-on-Avon,
the village where I lived,
to Bath on the toepath
along the canal.
So, I
started
off
on
my
borrowed, heavy, rusted,
2 out of 3 speed bicycle
with a basket in front. I
call it the adventure bike.
En
route
to
Bath
(pronounced Baaaaaath
-
-
like a sheep baa), the path ·
split
in
various
directions, and my word' .
tor
toepath
became~:
interchanged
with .,;:,
footpath. You know, toe, fl~:
'~
foot- same thing. Unaware it
that I was straying, I ended
up following the footpath a I
few times.
On my l
adventure bike I pedaled
through fields where I had
to lug the leaden thing over
locked gates and fences. I
even ended up in a pasture
being stared at by a herd of
My
cud chewing cows.
typical
adventure .
1
Well, after leaping
fences and encountering
cows, I learned the
difference between the
footpath and the toepath- '
and that towpath does not
even exist as ihe word
toepath. I advise you on
your next trip to Englandjust be careful how you
listen to and interpret
those
tricky
English
w
o
r
d
s
~
os~!g
SARDINES .
The Elite of the Sea .
!
Dear Mr. Daughdrill,
I don't have much
to say about Bob Byer
leaving. I am not an
English major. I have
' only taken one class from
him. I liked the class. I
learned a lot. And I'm
sorry to see him go.
You justify using
low SIRS scores (SIRS are
another issue, maybe I'll
write you another letter if
you respond to this one) to
kick Byer out, and two
years ago you kicked
Professor Jaslow out who
had amazing SIRS scores
but did not measure up in
other ways. Senselessness.
You justify •either. You
are not in touch with your
students (the younger
adults that are walking
around outside your
window), and if you
listened to the faculty's
voice, they'd tell you that
you are not in touch with
them either. Cluelessness.
You have said that
your function is to raise
money for the college.
You do this well. Tuition
is equal to ivy league
schools. Big spenders are
giving lots of dough t
Rhodes. Daughdrill Tower
is a beautiful erection.
Thank you. But you do
not know a good professo1
from a bad one. Byer is 2
gem of the rarest kind, and
you have just robbe(
Rhodes college. Not <
good mark on a brigh•
businessman's resume.
You will bt
remembered at Rhodes
You've put it on the map
Now get out before you'n
remembered for mucl
more.
Sincerely, Pat Garrett
�
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Newpaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, September 10, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 03
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, ZInes, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 10, 1993. The headline reads "Special Speed Metal Issue!" Charles Schafer gives a critique of a Sou'Wester article by Chris Gilreath, and Brian Dixon writes a list of suggestion for The Rat's Ass through the voice of Vice President Gore. Clay Combs and Chris Brown comment on college life in the centerfold. Ruthie Stephenson and Pat Garrett round out the back page. This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
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Charles Schafer, Brain Dixion, Chris Brown, Clay Combs, Pat Garrett, Ruthie Stephenson
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/71f7a249cbad1ac2eed394052e0c6165.pdf
405d20e550f1a4354c8dc5da88e53878
PDF Text
Text
September 17, 1993 Volume II Issue 4
Condoms and Christianity
by:chris brown
l .DOES MY PROFESSOR LIKE
ME?
a.never picks me
b.
c.
d. asks me questions I can ' t answer
2. HOW DOES MY PROFESSOR
PRESENT HIM/HERSELF IN
THE CLASSROOM?
a. dresses cool
b.
c.
d. needs to consult fashion
magazine.
3. WHAT DOES MY
PROFESSOR EXPECT OF ME?
a. to answer "yes'' or " no " questions
b.
c.
d. to think for myself
I
�lUU
lllli<...11
dJ.H)lll
And IC WOU/Oll l l.Jt:
it-that's not the problem. efficient to keep you until
But your teaching, Bob.
the things that pissed me
the traditional six year
in any public discussion as
It's the monotone. Maybe if
off about Rhodes and made
review of your tenure
to the specific terms of
you put an outline on the
me want to leave. I felt a
track because there's no
terminatr·on.
Now • an
board at the beginning of
little sick. I remembered
way your SIRs would
irresponsible · campus
every class and used audio
Why I never went to AT&T
improve enough to save
activist with a proverbial
and
visual
aids
on
(Ask, Talk, & Tell) with
your job at that point. To
axe to grind would have a
occasion... It doesn't matter
President
Daughdrill.
keep you that extra year
field day with this. But I
that you're "brilliant" by
Either
my
questions
would just be silly. We're
am merely a humble student
the admission of at least
really doing it tor your own
sounded stupid to a college
who wants to set the
two colleagues who have
gocd.
president, or l knew that
record straight while
worked with you (fact), or
the things eating at me
Does this sound a
exercising his right to tell
that you incorporate all the
little funny to anyone? It
were bigger than a pleasant
Them that I think Byer-or
academic disciplines into
discussion over lunch could
should come across as
any professor, for that
your own (the heart and
absolutely hysterical when
settle. Besides, I reasoned,
matter- deserves better
soul of a liberal arts
I already knew what the
you
consider
the
treatment . in the name
education), or that you are
bureaucratic
stock
administration's double
of.... bear with me ... Truth,
one of the few professors
response would be to
standard:
students
Loyalty, and Service.
_--::z)/1ere with experience
supposedly have a lot to
everything I questioned, so
\.. ·~: "leaching film courses
what's the use?
say (a la SIRs) in whether
...-c:E-----(priority #1358 on the
or not a professor is fired.
To be honest, I have
list).
See, the
little hope that anything
Yet students have no
will change because of my
opportunity to protest or
questioning, but I have to
reverse the decision, nor
get it all out. I still have a / 0
are they consulted in the
hiring of new professors.
conscience.
I even followed the ~"'
On top of this, most
students have no idea how
proper
channels
of ·
important the SIR bubble
authority for trying to find
out what really happened to r
forms (the ones fed through
a computer for statistical
Byer. I already knew his
side of the story. First I
~
results) are, and chances
went to the department
~
are, no one will tell them.
chair, who referred me to
f
If you are a student,
~ /J
his superior. So I took my
f / (___
listen up. Your opinion
inquiring mind to the Dean
P
-<5:,
~
does matter. They can't
$/
.:>,..
c::::::::.:'
justify firing someone
of Academic Affairs who
' ~
..-.........)
told me there was no way
ff~ ff
~
~
f
~
without bad SIRs, at least
·in hell that l, or any student
if i
.$'
students just can't follow on paper.
If you are a
could, do anything about the
! ..& ~/ .P
you. They fall asleep. You professor,
tell
your
situation. Apparently he
i .t /
talk about things they don't students about SIRs, if not
had misunderstood my
f
~
understand, and they don't for your sake, then for that
intentions and proceeded to
~
.L ,
~
like that.
They feel of your colleagues.
politely tell me he couldn't
threatened.
They feel
What it boils down
tell me anything. l left his
(' 12.. \ ~ \)-..u{'._5·
helpl~ss. And you know, to is this. I feel like I've
offi ce knowing beyond a
Q.-\- \,)6\f.) v - \
Bob, 1f the students don't been lied to; I wonder who
shadow of a doubt that
like something we have to the administration is loyal
Basically, They told
faculty information is
him that his SIRs weren't
take notice,
because to; I'd like to know who
confidential because of the
up to par, that he didn't
they're the reason we're They are serving. They tell
law, and no one is allowed
meet Rhodes' almighty
here!
We know you 'JI me its me, the student. But
to talk to me about it, and
Standard of Excellence.
understand.
With your I seriously question service
that this is standard
skiJJs you would be happier rendered by a liberal arts
The students just didn't like
procedure
for
"any him.
somewhere else anyway. institution that reduces its
corporation or business."
Of the three areas
Look at the bright side. We professors to numbers in a
Well, I don't need
we
consider
in job
could have let you go after computer, that gives its
Them.
I'm a fairly evaluation, Bob, . your
the three-year review of students the illusion of
intelligent guy. And Byer service
record
is
your tenure track, but we power without even making
has been cooperative. The sufficient
and
your
gave you the benefit of the it explicit, that values
cool part is, regardless of published
doubt and kept you another expediency and tidiness
what Byer says, or what I scholarship-we//, you
year. It's just that those above the pursuit of true
say, They can't respond could have more of it,
darn S/Rs didn't improve as intellectual endeavor.
because, according to the
much as we would have
And there's one
although what little you
liked. We have standards
.
I' m
Dean, They would be
have is good, so we won't
more thing.
not
breaking the law to engage
here, Bob.
finished.
Why Byer Got Fired and why
by Ross Gohlke
Immutability
by Mike Augspurger
One of the quirks of
a favorite high school
teacher of mine was to
assign
an
essay
by
saying, in effect, •write
an essay on the book we
just
finished
discussing." Annoying as
the habit was, we usually
found our way around the
problem.
Cries of "how
long?" and •on what?"
inevitably overwh el med
the man.
Ten minutes
later, we'd have six or
seven suggestions written
down in our notes, and an
estimated
length
in
double-spa ced , one-sided
pages .
That was high school.
The Rhodes classroom
of ten
l ooks
disappointingly si milar.
The difficult question,
"What
is
of
primary
importance in the text
studied?" remains
the
domain of the professor .
The students at Rhodes
don't expect to answer
that question anymore
than
a
high
school
student;
no
quest ion
routinely receives more
silence than "What aspect
of the readings would you
like to discuss today?"
This
situation
is
perhaps
not
as
unf ortunate as I have
portrayed it .
Ce rtainly
much class time would be
spent in a search for
basic
thematic
importance; many students
would lose inter est , and
end
up
unimproved
intellectually by the
experience.
The
prof esso r would be l eft
in fr o nt o f the class
alternating
between
prying for a response and
lecturing
on
various
outside interpretati ons;
his effo rts might brand
him
as
•confusing,•
•difficult to follow,• or
the
worst
0 f
possibilities, "boring.•
On the other hand, a
professor
who
made
students
reach
for
answers
rather
than
leaning over to provide
them might appeal to a
small
community
of
students at Rhodes.
He
might help five or s ix
people in a class of
twenty-five learn more
about a novel, and more
importantly, understand
the process that brought
them th e ir knowledge. Of
course, nineteen people
would be bored.
Am~ng the relative ly
small
percentage
of
Rhodes stu dents who have
come to college to get an
education and not just a
degree, there are many
different approaches to
learning. The particular
pedagogy described above
would seem to cater to a
great many of those .
Unfortunately, it does
not pamper a student who
is not devoted to the
subject matter.
Judging
fr o m past
faculty decisions, Rhodes
i s not
interested in
different approaches to
the
c lassro o m.
If
students find a professor
unsympathetic, or boring,
or difficult (i.e. i f
they don't teach like
their
favorite
high
school teacher), they let
the administration know
in a very concrete and
majority-ruled fashion:
the
SIRS.
If
the
administration finds t hat
faculty
member
undesirable, it utilizes
that concrete figure to
rid
itself
of
an
unconforming piece.
It
is a system which easily
purges itself o f
Bob
Byers and Andrew Hurleys,
among many others .
I remember sitting
on the pot my freshman
year looking for something
to read. As I shut the stall
door I was confronted by an
.~ .
.
German sty le ."
especially drab flyer that
f'~A ' hero in the
said "Subvert the SIRs!!'.'
Perhaps if Rhodes had
and rambled on about how
enough
professors
to
these evaluation forms are
allow English majors to
used to justify firing
choose among classes, or
professors. As I finished
if
SIRS
had
been
my business, I wondered
discontinued, or if some
how the responsible party
of the English professors
expected to be taken
who should know better
seriously
without
had stood up in defense
substantiation. How easy it
of Byer, he wouldn't have
is to start vicious rumors
been fired.
But the most
frustrating aspect of the
and indict the powers that
sys tem
is
that
mo st
be- but there's never any
proof!
I still had those
peachy brochure pictures in
my head; and I still had
great confidence that the
people in charge knew what
they were doing and always
acted justly according to
the dictates of a good
conscience. I spent the
next year and a half
forgetting how pretty the
brochures were.
But I
never lost faith in the
administration's
commitment to Truth,
loyalty, and Service and at
the end of each semester, I
filled out my SIRs like
everyone else in the classin five minutes. They were
just
more
of
the
Lorry Burrows m
. I
b t
Ivv CoMPTON-BuRNETT
eanrng ess u necessary
Incredible behavi r.
paperwork that had to be
everyone is happy with
turned in to keep my
scholarship.
it.
No students, no
and
no
faculty,
I came back to
administrators have to
Rhodes this semester
adjust
to
new
actually excited for the
surroundings.
Rhodes is
first time about being here.
just
like last year,
It didn't last very long.
whe ther you've worked
During the first week I
here for 15 years or come
discovered that an English
straight
from
high
teacher whom I respected
school.
It
will
greatly had been fired over
undo ubtedly continue to
the summer. Well, "fired"
churn
out
societally
capable graduates who
might be a little harshhave not been pushed to
they did give him a year's
brilliance.
But if an
notice so that he could
intellectual challenge is
"make
other
what you desire, consider
arrangements." As I sat in
transferring .
Bob Byer's office that day
Because while Rhodes
with my jaw on the floor, I
will always be up-andsuddenly remembered all
coming,
it will never
arrive.
it
makes
me
wu11y
uncomfortable
fol
f"'c
/ff
!
"'
iv\) - 1 ffi\/\
ttrt\S\ ~ \\.- '(-~\\A,,.
S r\=>S
�Report from the Front
by Col. Bat Guano
I was fired yesterday. Sacked.
Given my walking papers .
Basically, I was told to bend
over and smile . And it
wouldn't, you know, be so bad
if it didn't mean that I now
have to figure out how to
unload three exact replicas of
the Partridge Family bus loaded
with assault rifles from the
Honduran black market. Boy, I
got smoked on that one.
But enough about me, right?
I don't get paid obscene
amounts of dollars per word by
the Rat's Ass to blab about my
personal problems, obviously.
No, friend, I get paid obscene
amounts of dollars per word to
blab about the personal
problems of a hardy and goodhearted prairie College down
here in Memphis and the
blasphemous exploits of that
black- hearted sidewinder, that
yellow- bellied, low down,
dog- tooth grinnin', prayersfor- men- aprayin', carpetmstlin' scalawag known as the
Reverend Jim Daughdrill.
Fortunate! y, that stuff is none
too scarce.
For example, just last night,
right, when I was feeling kind
of bummed about the job
thing, you know, and I had
gotten tired of sitting around
the pad and, well ... you know,
smokin' ... and I went down to
the P&H for a little R&R and
MGD, I nm into this PHD I
knew from the old alma mater.
He was slumped over the bar
actually. That unmistakable
bulbous dome which nonnally
read, "product of Harvard" now
said something garbled about
three pitchers and no sign of
slowing down. Now here was a
guy in my kind of mood .
Brazenly as always, I decided to
introduce myself.
"Hello, Doc. Bat Guano's
the name. And you are ... "
"HAWTHORNE!"
he
sputtered.
With a name like Guano,
who an1 I to argue, right? Any
dude's pseudonym is good
enough for me. So I bought
him a beer which he graciously
accepted, and just to relax him
I whipped out one of my
special stogies and there we
were smokin' up a stonn, until
I got him relaxed enough to
ask him just what he was
bummin' on, and thi s is what
he told me:
"I was fired yesterday.
Sacked. Given my walking
papers. Basically, I was told to
bend over and smile. I don't
want to talk about it."
As soon as he said that, my
patented Guano Sense started
kickin' like the Rockettes on
mescaline:
obviously
something was once again
awry . at Rhodes,
and
immediately I forgot about the
day's troubles and remembered
my mission for the Rat's Ass .
And speaking of asses, if I
couldn't save tl1is guy's then
maybe at least I could cover
my own, right? So I fished
around in my pocket for
something to cheer the good
doctor up. All I could find was
a ball of hash about the size of
my thumb which seemed to
most tasteless part of the
President's Mansion: The
Jungle Room.
"What the hell are you
doing here, Guano?" he asked,
looking resplendent in a yellow
silk bathrobe and a blue paisley
fez. Actually, he was kind of
hard to see, backed as he was
by lime green zebra stripes and
blacklight posters.
"I think you know what I'm
here about," I said, trying to be
as macho as possible. "It's
your latest try at streamining
the faculty."
He thought for a minute,
and then I could see recognition
rising to the surface of his eyes
like air bubbles floating in 40weight motor oil. "Ah, yes,"
he drawled," that Bob fellow.
What about it?'
'What about it?" I was now
enraged, and feeling in fine
ga~0
To be honest, whenever I hear
him talk I'm almost positive
he's making fun of me, but I
can' t be sure because, well ... I
just can' t understand a damn
word he's saying. Besides,
what the hell do you tlunk the
Purpose of a College is?"
Uh- oh, I thought. Here it
comes.
"Do you tlunk a college is
some kind of damn safehaven
for intellectuals?"
'Well, actually ... "
"Hell no, son. Now read my
lips on this one : WE'RE
ONLY IN IT FOR THE
MONEY. Can't you get that
tluough that burned- out head
of yours?"
I was reeling. First to hear
the words of Frank Zappa
coining from such an infernal
source, and then to have my
worst suspicions laid bare like
that at the uppennost level of
the administration, was all
much too much for me. I
needed a drink.
I didn't get one, of course.
As is always the case when I
feather. "I'll tell .you what .
about it! He was only just the
pay a journalistic visit to the
Daughdrill household, I was
most qualified member of your
undernourished English
brusquely conked on tl1e back
department! Jesus Christ on a
of the head by one of Dian1ond
popsicle stick, Jim! The man
Jimmy's hired goons and
went to botli Harvard and y ale!
deposited on East Parkway. But
There was more infonnation in
when I came to about four
hours later, I still remembered
one of his sentences than in
three paragraphs by some of
tl1e last tiling I had seen in that
house of ill- repute: t he
the bozos you've hired at that
sweatshop you call a college.
President had had a new
How can you just throw away
College Seal drawn up. It was
credentials like tliat?" Realizing
the same as the old one of
that my tirade was out of
course, but the words 'Truth
steam,Ileanedbackandbraced
Justice and the America1;
myself for the noxious wave of
Way," or whatever the hell it
bureaucratic doublespeak that I
used to be, had been repl :! ·: ~d
knew was soon to envelop me,
with the slogan, "CAVEAT
just like on the Stanley and
EMPTOR" wluch, for all you
Jaslow case back in '90. But it
non- classically oriented readers
never came.
out tl1ere, means "Let tl1e Byer
"Oh, dammit," said the
beware." Until next time, or
President, "that's just the
until you too are deemed to
talented for your own good
problem, don't you see? That
man is too damn smart. He
keep ?n takin' care of business'.
made students uncomfortable,
. . Just like Diamond Jim.
con~se ~imb m~re t.han
anyt ng e se, ut gave II to
him anyhow and headed out to
my trusty ol.d '78 Batmobile
with one man in mind. Clearly
I was going to have to go
straight to the horse's mouth,
so lo speak: I gunned noisy old
440 and pointed the nose
toward Diamond Jim's place.
When I got there it was the
same old scene as always: the
stink of vomit rising up off the
front lawn almost ate the paint
off my car. Frankly, I'm still
amazed tlmt all those trustees
could sleep out there like that.
But hey, like D.J. always says,
that's what tl1e good stuffs for,
right? So I parked up on the
lawn like usual and stepped out
of the car like everything was
natural, which of course it was,
and was met at the door by this
beefy blonde whom it seemed
to me I had grokked before.
"Patsy Blandersnatch ?" I
asked? "Oass of '89?"
1
The same. She told me that
,,
she was now the carpet man's
hell made me uncomfor. abl· ·. ,:~ _,.
t e
Otl>AeL.£ C r~ut\~rhlc..-~
personal, um.. . secretary .
. .~~~
lfll>cfiATbRoF 'F
'
Figures. She always did look
~ "Oll,.L
¢ f ,,.,,.,
S&."~
w~ A ~:~~ '·
good with brown lipstick. But
,.r-1~
•'f\fl~ WEEK. No ~Tf!ti' IN
i
now was no time for ,,
CTtf£~ wo,("c ~•
-;
~
.
Z
~ · J..4£AL Wlf't\ rr: t ·
reminiscing. I bmshed past her
with my infamous right cross
and found the man I was
:
looking for, predictably, in the
. ~·
~4/Lyl~
l
~:~c01~~~~ab1!~ :Ud h~~l~:::: l~:I'~'·'~,;~~;~~~~~~'·'· ~ 'j~,~
.
"· ~ ·
/
•ov'
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 17, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 04
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publication, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 17, 1993. The Headline reads, "Special Bidet issue!" The front page offers a special "Clip-N-Save SIR Form" by Julie Meiman & Ross Gohlke, as well as a commentary on campus ethics by Chris Brown. Mike Augspurger and Ross Gohlke discuss the SIR forms and tenure in the centerfold. "Col. Bat Guano" takes the back page with a "Report rom the Front". This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Julie Meiman, Ross Gohlke, Mike Augspurger
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0ece185c3e0b6d6a0257b7a0ae5aaa48.pdf
d75596bbe18a2b2ad1328b0bd3960c96
PDF Text
Text
ain't never had it.
Issue 5
I
Top Ten Cool Features of the
New Israeli-PLO Honda Peace
Accord
by Brian Dixon
10. Anti-lock brakes
9. "Y asser" personalized plate
8. A-ooh-ga horn
7. Tinted windows throw off
angry right wing PLO
members
6. Steel belted radios
5. Plush wall to wall
carpeting
4. "How to Talk Like a
Trucker" manuel included with
CB
3. James Bond oil slick feature
- standard
2. Runs on sand
1. Wimp's a camel's ass
I
I
I
I
•
I
I
I
t
l
)
~
My (ex)girlfriend was
a militant feminist.
She burnt bras.
I burnt my toga.
[:>
I'm Independent.
~
·~
Dipak
ps. I HAVE greek
friends...
~·
'fJ
~
~
~
-
6 "'
,9 ~
-:-7\~·
. VJ~
7'J
•
September 24,
�most introspective of all
seasons, fall, the time defined ' Barney Must Be Destroyed
Late last night I was
by ferment, the time whose f
l trying to write an English
raison d'etre is to move things
Clay's Column
by Clay
Lazarus Speaks, or,
Why You Should Love Fall As
Much As I Do
•paper, which naturally led
J to my thinking about Barney
•the Dinosaur, and all the
trouble he has winning the
I'm a nut for fall.
•·hearts of American adults.
ballistic every time it
Why don't more people like
, Barney? Hmmm. Is it
around. If I have the chance, . &;,,·'" 11
with t11e help of the liberal free~
' ~ ~ \/ · .,:
because its mindless,
press, to share my joy with t11e :·
. -' . . '.
r
, puerile crap? No, it can't
reading public,
do it wi~ as ~ ·
-- _
'
f be that. After all, look at
much vigor as I II do anytlung ,_
• how well Beavis and
else.
·
• · Butthead are doing. And no
Of course, communication
one complained when
is a tricky t11ing. I tried t11is !M'.31"--along in the grand process millions of five-year olds
/-love-fall bit last year when I
toward death-awaiting-rebirth,
had to see GI Joe every day
wrote for the . . . uh . . . ilie
and I'm so ready for it I could, and to have every little
other newspaper, and by the
so to speak, die.
war toy that came along.
time it got to press, it had
Just think:
fall is 'That's it! Barney just isn't
undergone such ... uh ... such
n e c es sari l y the most ' violent enough. Poor
extensive editing even I didn't
philosophical of seasons Barney, he's just a big
know what I was trying to say.
because its stock-in-trade. is f eggplant-looking wimp.
Strike one.
mortality, the rightful starting When we bitch about how
Now t11e batter steps back,
point of all philosophy, the much we hate Barney,
thinks of all those kids in t11e
only universally-observed I that's really our little inner
orphmrnges, and steps forward
aspect of t11e human condition. I children whining,"Where's
boldly for anot11er swing, a
Etl1nocentric t11ought systems I the blood? Give us blood.
second attempt to hit you over
crumble under the ~.eight of Waaaaah!"
the head with his trusty
tl1eir own presuppos1t1ons and •
Yes, Barney should be
Louisville Slugger of joie-decultural trappings, but meaner, like his ugly
I
J,
l
1:n
A
with low, low production
values. PBS should get
wise and net an adult
audience by locking the
purple behemoth with other
big rubbery monsters in
mortal combat. Where
would his opponents come
from? Sesame Street, of
course! Big Bird, Mr.
Snuffaluffagus, and Oscar
the Grouch are naturally
pissed that Barney's
invading their turf, and
.
&FOUND :_,; ...
Tl-lAL PACK A·~ER · .
PACK,CAMEL'.S
MILDNESS AND
.FLAVOR GIVE ME
MORE PLEASURE
THAN ANY OTHER
CIGARETTE!
i
J
'f
f
f
vivre.
mortality transcends them all.
!
stepcousin, Godzilla. They
cousins after all, both
are mutant spinoffs of a
tyrannosaurus rex, both
f have annoying little
~children for sidekicks, and
lboth come from studios
r(~ It is at once our most horrific .are
TI1is week the weather-god l...IJ}
blessed us wit11 a cold front. I
am anew man.
Y£' .
Isn't it funny how, with 7..J~
our climate controls and our !>or'f'
safe-as-houses shelter from the o ~
elements, yet the weather t l..; "\
affects us deeply? I can feel
like death-warmed-over all
summer, back breaking under
t11e oppressive heat, but when
the first cool breeze hits, I'm
Lazarus. I'm ready for bear.
Here we are on the cusp of t11e
and generous attribute. In t11e
end, life forgives all tluough
deat11, bringing sure respite
from t11e ephem~ral .car~s
besetting us as we mhab1t tlus
mortal coil.
r
Besides, fall brings college ·
football, Thanksgiving and
snuggling.
It brings
Oktoberfest, pumpkins, le
beaujolais nouveau, Arts in tl1e
Park, pretty leaves, Saturday
afternoons at the river,
cookouts, oblique rays of sun
and t11e World Series. I could
THESE H_
ORRID AGE SPOTS* go on.
Every season has its
strong points, but in t11e end,
we owe it all to fall. Fall
takes tl1e resting of winter, the
exuberant awakening of spring
and t11e loathsome toiling of
summer and distills them all
into a sweet liquor of rest, ·
reflection and appreciation that
leaves, as it goes down, a
wann tickle, t11e wannth of t11e
embers of the human
~~-'--~--~~~~~---'~~~~
.1:f 1.·· .,,.. .. .·· .
?1\~iiii!i~1l1~. .: ~ ·
'!,,.;
~,r;;
I
··
WANTED
STEADY ·
.
..
.
A helmet is a nasty thing
When your teeth are green from
eating flowers
And the telephone, it talks for hours
With someone who doesn't appreciate
chocolate pudding.
--Ross Gohlke
___
,
___
91'
---
would probably love to kic;<
his purple ass. They could
I
stomp around Mr. Roger's
-.::. ~
Ask Faith and Reason:
*** Dear Faith and Reason, ~
Neighborhood, raising hell
I am trying to argue with
the advice column that
and smashing King Friday·~
gives
you
smarts
and this friend of mine, Percy, about
hearts
castle to smithereens.
the existence of God. Percy is an
atheist and I want oh so much to
compiled by charles schafer
When they get really
convince him that there is a
*** Dear Faith and Reason,
popular, they can gain
I was in Church last
higher power so that he will
international appeal by
Sunday, listening to a very
maybe ultimately convert to
doing a joint production:
Christianity and I'll feel better
mediocre sermon, when all of a
Barney vs, the Smog
sudden I felt this amazing
about myself as a result. What is
tingling in my leg and I just knew
the most compelling argument for .
Monster or maybe Barney
God's existence? I know one
vs, Rodan . Can you see it? , ' that it was the spirit of the Lord,
working in me! I jumped up and
already about how nature is so
BARNEY: Will you be my
ran down the aisle right then and
incredible like how could there
friend?
made a profession of faith on the
not be a God, I mean just look at
GHIDRAH: Grrronk!
spot. What I want to know is
the flowers and the beautiful
this: do you think that it was
waterfalls and how can you help
BARNEY: I love you .. .
really God moving in me? If so,
thinking jeez, there must be a God
you love me ... we're .. .
why did he do it during such a
and he must be in those flowers
GHIDRAH: reeeeAARRRK!
1 boring sermon? Do you think that
and waterfalls.
(hot blast of radioactive
means it was the devil?
Sincerely,
monster funk melts
Sincerely,
Neva Tay
Lorna Toon
Barney's face).
Faith: Neva, your argument
Faith: Lorna, I think you really
about why God must exist is
PBS, get with it:
. , . did have a wonderful experience of
beautiful. There are other good
unconditional love and
the Lord's spirit moving in you.
ones, too. C.S. Lewis did a super
·... sharing won't cut the
Trust that. Don't worry about the
duper job of reasoning through
mustard. Stick with
devil. He can't hurt you unless
the whole thing. I think the best
you read censored books. The
something more traditional.
argument is that we should have
Lord was just being tricky,
faith in God because then we can
Have Barney stake out his
coming upon you during a boring
be forgiven for our sins.
·i territory, stomp on a few
1
sermon. Remember, He likes to
Reason: Neva, listen. You're
" buildings and tanks, and
·
work in mysterious ways.
trying much too hard. How the
beat the living crap out of
Reason: Lorna, I have to throw
hell do you get "God" out of
any guy in a rubber suit
a little cold water on your parade
"waterfall"? If you want to see
here. The reason your legs got
who comes along. That's
God in nature, get out on the rural
tingly was because you had them
interstate between here and
what we want. Shed some
crossed for too long -- which can
Nashville. Jesus is on at least
d?y-glo purple blood and
happen when you're in church for
three billboards.
we'll watch! Of course, so
hours. You should either open
your legs more or cut out half way
will the kids, so you can
through the preaching. And about
still mechandize. Aiiiieee!!!
trying to make a profession of
It is Barney! We must
faith -- give it up. There's no ·
flee!!!
money in it. Make a profession
-by J. Oliphant
of medicine or advertising. That's
where it's at, baby.
.,
I
I
Flawed
Story
by Mike Augspurger
I
talked
t o
President Daughd r i l l
last week at AT &T.
He was nice enough.
He
answered
my
questions
congenia :t ly.
He said
that the cost of a
college
education
really wasn't going
up, that in fact i t
had stayed about the
same as the price of
a
car
for
years.
People
just
complained about i t
more,
because
its
benefits were harder
to see.
lf"itll_...
Int o.
' College
Costs
Up
More
Than
Doubl e
Rate Of Inflati o n . '
It said, "While the
rate of inc rease for
college
costs
has
slowed somewhat during the past three
years,
1993
nonetheless
marks
the
thirteenth
consecutive ye a r
th a t
those
costs
ha v e
outpaced
The
~'1~en
~
*** Dear Faith and Reason,
When Satan tempts me
to do evil, I am sorely troubled.
What can I do to resist? He is so
powerful, and I am so weak, so ...
human. I know Jesus responded
to the evil one by saying, "Get
thee behind me, Satan." Is it that
easy?
Sincerely,
Anita Will
@~
Ata•
Faith: Yes.
Reason:
You've got to
remember that Jesus was human,
too. And when he told Satan to
get behind him, He had been in
the wilderness for 40 days and his
butt probably smelled terrible. If
you have a lot of B.O., His
technique might work for you .
Otherwise, give it up.
5lu~ _B_o~---:--------,
o.,atH-r. '(otJ J(..ao_,, \
l>w·' T (£e\l..&."f HNI' A~'t
11>E~
c..>M"f"
"Ofl~
.lei
£I.IT'ii ~. I bot.IT £«H
(tJow 'foul{ ,..
1
I
Cereal
\c(;f_ ~ .. - -
I
I
I rea d an a r t i c l e
yesterd ay
in
th e
.,,.E.. yr:r:
(
z A" FA-r BUG!
Jt "b 'lov .t(E••• ~
141ai_,
\
i.\Mlf !
r"\
~·r
You
t.)Alotf 'f"C) ~S"ll\llC
~£
,,,.-
.,. ~,
..
I
II
by
~,
.
�A Didactic Letter
i n Re s ponse to Amy
Chr is Fisher's #I
CAN'T stand cheap
people" election
flyer.
(Yeah, it IS a long
title. Shut up and
read : ) ... )
Dear, dear Chris,
Let me start by
reminding you that
the Honor Council
is no joke. I f
you're going to
make references to
it through #deep"
thoughts, babe,
you've got a
problem. Note the
uqqotes" around
#deep?"
a handle on your
bearings. If you're
going to take off
in this direction,
there is no telling
what other pithy
maxim you're going
to snatch from
another murky abyss
of even #deeper"
thoughts.
en
~
9 ,~
~
::--::
~
~
8
o
J..-4
lS
l
I
·
.
@·. ·.'. ·, ., .
•
~
~ c=
~
~
1
•
Try
:
. ·l
with
·VACUTEX ' ..,.
·· ··
,....
:
three
fl n aer1 .
It · re a ches
:~~:k~.~~dlr ~~~w::11~·ht!.'i; ,~\.~~
·
,
I
.: ;;:-"f,:r.~i~~~,:•
..:~~~ll~=.~h:.. ~~~
·' ,
0
...
,
,
•
1
.
"-.)'
.
. ,extrftcts Bla ckheads automatica lly
The a maz ing ly effective Vacu:tex'
'
0
:::> ::::l
p-
.
Bl~_ckhea~ Remov~r ..
s1oo .
':;::l
.
r.
··, •· · · > "-~
-or no _
cost.
~
(
rJ)
. ~t~ ~!c~1 i~: . ~!'i~-;t~~t 1 ~
M
~ . ?':-> ;
en.§,
g '§ I
~
l~~e~· ~r"~i:~\:'~~~,j~B·.
··
.· .
0
.·
·· ·
VACUTEX and your , dollar, wlll
· be refundorl. : .
chris brown •
holy romin' em~ror
chuck schafer • bosom of abraham
clay combs• "the indulgence vendor"
dipak ghosh • altar boy
Jeffgadomslzl • deep friar
john oliphant • monk d
julie meiman • monk e
mike augspurger.judas priest
pat garrett •altered priest
~o~~ go~l'M· leud 3 cleric
~-·
Are you
in the
knoltv?
Scriptural . Cake
1 ·Cllp or Judgn s:as
3i cup1 of Exodu1 ag:a
a
cupa of Nahum 3: la
1 Cllp o! Geneel 1 a• :17
1 tip of Exodu1 16:31
3 Cllpl Of Jerea:lab 6:30
a cups Of I Samuel 30: la
lcupofNua:ber117:8
6 cup• o! haiab 10: 14
l pincll Of Levi t1 CUI 3: 13
3 tip of Air.01 a:u
Seuon to talte •1th I King1 lO:a. Follow
$olOlllOn 1 1 prelCriptiOn for a good boy .in
Proberb1 33:14 and l:ake .
·BALLCO- - - - - -CO., Dept .-9- ·
- - - PRODUCTS - - - I
g :~.~~ ~~g_g~~ ! 1 ·, ·::;~:S~~~~':i.
' \lf&oh 1cr1ptuu Teru contain• one or 111or1
:
11
,. _________________________ _,
You've implied,
unwittingly I hope,
that requesting
money you have
loaned is cheap!?
Let me see if I'm
missing something:
Good soul loans
needy friend
moolah,good soul
gets needy . and
needs moolah back,
good soul asks for
moolah, good soul
asks, hence he is
cheap? Honey, by
your definition of
#cheap" (in cahoots
with Dr.Handey),not
being #cheap" is
bloody e x pensive.
That's quite a deep
#cheap" thought,eh?
brlzm dlxon • halrytlck
('t'bil recipe 11 ~~er 300 yeare old. Follow tb•
41reot1on1 carefully for a dellolou1 cake).
Ugly BLACKHEADS
OUT IN .SECONDS
;::, .F; ~L~
~ ~
t--< ~
'
......~~ ·
~ ----:,-~.•.
~~
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published . . There is
nei.ther regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor s<>uls listed here.
Look, ( I hope) I ' m
sure you saw some
humor in your
researched quote,
but how much
#deeper" will you
get, especially if
elected to THE
council. Please get
19W. 441hst. , N.Y. 36,N , v .
P•u• 4 3 c poi iit re :
1 ngred1 en ta u1ed 1 n mat 1-ng a cake.
-
If your campaign
has been an
experiment in
negative
advertising,babe, I
commend you for
your courage 'cause
you've certainly
trod the limits of
anti-matter (hence
my #reaction").
Believe it or not,
I wish you luck for
the elections. I've
run for the Honor
Council too , but
never won . Thinking
of which, if you
win, I ' ve got to
get me a copy of
#deeper thoughts"
by that Handey guy.
Sincerely,
Diphthong .
ps.If my criticism
has been a
traumatic
experience, please
feel free to call
x3385 and leave a
nasty rebuttal on
the machine. It
should be a
cathartic of sorts.
Hell, I might
answer the phone
myself and generate
a few (crocodile)
tears .
pps. Welcome to
RHODES :) ~
- 0 r I''- ~
.,,
•.
TERO IN A PUNCH
by:chris brown
&L. os~
{
tfi:l
m
Dark red, like the lips of your favorite
female pom-star,was the color of
the punch in this bowl. Perfectly round
ice-cubes floated all in the red juice;
then I saw this big black terd among
all the perfectly round ice-cubes.
I asked the guy next to me
"Are you drinking this shit ?"
He only smiled as he dipped his cup
into bowl and drank his second cup.
He obviously liked it.
, "Don't question."
~
"Don't ask."
'
"Just drink it."
was his reply.
.
A
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 24, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 05
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 24, 1993. Brian Dixon leads off the issue with a top ten list. Pat Garrett compares religion and geology, Clay Combs describes his love for fall, and John Oliphant reviews Barney. Ross Gohlke writes the zine's first poem alongside Mike Augspurger's and Charles Schafer's centerfold pieces. The back page features a response to Amy Chris Fisher's election flyer by Dipak Ghosh and a short piece by Chris Brown.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Pat Garrett, Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Ross Gohlke, Dipak Ghosh, John Oliphant, Charles Schafer, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Julie Meiman
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81a904812cef2279ef980584fdca1756.pdf
16de7ad6520ab3bd3e24d58445c36d82
PDF Text
Text
-
•A Beacon of Self-Righteousness in these Evil Times•
(~
~\
11
Volume II Issue 6
excerpt from "I am Womban Hear
Me Roar" by Stacey Greenberg
was okay I 1 .
My final eighteen-wheeler
~om.b b~t sa~a~~ed around The
delivered me to the front door of
e Window th
one. Out of
an inviting bar called "The
empty. Just
streets were
Womb". I labored my worn out
~~~ed t~ the ta~ eyes
body and belongings through the
stared
bottle
swinging doors, plopped down
wonderinr up and down is ey. I
into a plush pink booth, and
ordered a Wild Turkey straight
hiding tha~ whdere she had b
up, no feathers. The waitress
hypothesis~"' fonned a solfden
rore Ipoured myself
gobbled knowingly and produced
my drink from behind her back.
"Mind if I join you?" she
said.
I was used to this
question. "As long as you don't
ask me what my sign is."
She produced another
Turkey and coke from under her
skirt, smiled, and joined me in the
booth. She sat so close that I felt
like a twin. "I know an aries
when I see one," was all that she
said, but she seemed to know
what she was talking about. She
looked like a wildflower and
smelled like honey. I started to
envy the bees.
"Oh yeah? About the only
thing I know right away is
whether a guy has a big penis." I
was nervous. I always talked
a shot S
about penises when I was
Propo~ed he did the
nervous.
"o-a toast.
same and
She licked her lips and
nere'
111·
And s to us "
said, "To tell you the truth I think
lvi1randa.
that's h OW[
.
penises are becoming obsolete."
met
This one I had never heard
before. A chill ran up my spine
and froze my nipples. I was
being seduced by a woman and it
u:
h~ntire
~f~~ _n~w
Tbe Rat's Ass is assembled by
a crack staff of Rhodes students
and/or friends, published
whenever the staff feels like it,
and distributed for mass
consumption in the domain of
actual campus publications, the
Rat. Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published. There is neither
regard for, nor claim of ~th,
so don't get on us about it.
Feel free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus mail
to anyone of the poor souls
listed here.
~
Jll
-:::: J"- '~
..
LNOVL.GWl ~OUR HlS
suPER
poWER
Pandora's Staff sox
StaeeY Qreenberg
Chuck scbafer
Mike Augspurger
Julie MeimaD
Ross Gohlke
cbriSBrown
Spite
Hate
Ma}ice
Penis Envy
JealOUSY
Halitosis
DuldrUJllS
Clay combs
l)iarrbea
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
canker Sores
�Real World Productions
by Jeff J. Gadomski
As the Rat's Ass Staff
Stripper and Rhodes College
ex-patriot, I, too, have a voice.
And my voice has a few choice
words for you', the great
"educated" masses: Oh please.
After having several weeks
worth of Rhodes daily minutae
literally thrown at me by my
fellow staffers and no less than
unfortunate roommates, I have
come to the acute realization
that perhaps some Rhodes folk
are not quite ready for what we,
speaking for everyone else in
the whole of the known
universe, like to call the real
world. Not to say that it
shouldn't be called the real
universe, but I figure if you're
not ready for your own world
yet, chances are you're
definitely not ready for the rest
of it. Let me further explain
by offering up a small test of
your Real World Adaptability
Times (RAT). Now, in this
case, we won't actually be
timing you for real (contrary to
the premise behind this
column) because, again, you're
probably not ready for it. Are
you wearing a watch with a
second-hand? I rest my case.
In any event, simply answer
the questions given and tally
up your score using the key
following the test. Ready?
Go:
1) You're at the office of the
leasing agent for your
apartment.
The annoying
women helping you has just
informed you that you will not
be given your original deposit
because, they say, you forgot
to wipe off the bathroom sink.
This will easily cost them the
FRYE'S FAMOUS BOOTS .
f ine quality
$100 you gave them in order to
have it taken care of.. .they say.
How do you respond to this
unfortunate dilemma?
a) Cry until they give you
the money
b) Tell them your daddy is
a lawyer, call him up, and have
him yell at the mean old lady.
c) Nimbly leap the counter
in order to better throttle the
woman with your bare hands
so as
to procure your money.
d) Say "OK. Thank you,"
quickly and ashamedly exit the
building without further ado
like the spine-less worm of a
wimp that you are.
2) Due to unfortunate and
untimely
financial
circumstances, you are being
hounded by any number of
people who like referring to
themselves as "collection
agencies" (not to be
misconstrued as "mafia"). The
money that they would like,
you do not happen to have and
are most likely not going to
find in the cushions of your
second hand couch. How do
you react to the nasty phone
call precluding an untimely and
surely unnatural accident that is
sure to follow?
a) Whine until they kill
you for humanity's sake.
b) Call your daddy, explain
the situation, and have him
send them the money.
c) Have your number
changed right after having your
hair colored and moving out of
state.
d) Offer them your
girlfriend, invite them to
Thanksgiving dinner at your
place, and thank them for
calling you a spineless piece of
puffed-up blowfish shit.
3) You have no food at your
apartment. You have just
moved and opened up a brand
new checking account. You do
not have your ATM card yet
and your checks are those plain
complimentary ones they give
you at the bank (not the cool
"Natural Scenery" ones that
you special ordered). After
spending 2 hours shopping at
the local grocery store, the
cashier tells you in her best !can't-believe-what-an-idiot-youare voice that they cannot
accept bank checks that have
no address printed on them. It
is after 5pm and the bank is
closed. You have a total of 79
cents in change on your
person. What is the logical
thing to do?
a) Put on your best pouty
face and hope the cashier thinks
it's so cute she gives you the
food.
b) Call your daddy, have
him fly in from Boston, and
make him pay for the food.
c) Beat the cashier soundly
about the face and head with
the bag of oranges you had
wished to purchase and make a
break for the door with as
much food as you can carry in
your shirt.
d) Realize the futility of
arguing with the GED failure
standing in front of you, thank
her, and head for Taco Bell
where you can have 5 whole
tacos that might even last you
until your checks arrive.
So. There you have it.
That's the test. How did we
do? As far as scoring goes, if
you answered anything except
D for . any of the above
questions, you're in for a very
large surprise when school's
over and your parents have
given you the "We didn't raise
a sponge" speech. If you
answered C, however, make
sure and send all your old
college buddies letter from the
"joint" because you and your
new wife, Billy Joe Jim Bob,
are going to have a lot of free
TO: REV. DAUGHDRILL
time on your hands.
--l
FROM: chns brown
Now then , I hope you all - I
DATE: OCTOBER 1, 1993
have learned a valuable lesson :;:from this. Stop all ·of your U
SIR, I also find the death
.
pathetic little crying and T I
but your attempt to conso~f ~~land Smith saddening,
whining about such stupid, ~
probably did more h
h e e student body
trivial little things that Rhodes
your memorandum r~:;n:~t~ood. I find this one section of
is doing, Certain things, such ·.-Ll
.
as Prof. Byers leaving ,
"There is little comfort in
.
.
,
educational standards of \I)
teaching, and other issues that. V'>'
we norm~l/y follow. The on~h~a r~~1onal and intellectual pursuits
concern your schooling and
comes with acceptance and fait~ mg comfort is the peace that
lmaz1ng New Way to
, a peace that passes u d
general life after school are, in
Even though th'
n erstanding.aEou
fact, important and should be
and that Judais's ~hool teaches that the Bible .
whined about as such .
I ask you to d. mis a coalescing of Mesopotam· ts full _ error
o_f
the size of your
However, when it comes to
1sconnect yo
.
tan reltg1ons
things like the "new" candle
io disow~ inte11ectua1 pursuY; ~·~hds from your emotions; ,
o trade in the r .
e name of psy h I .
.. .
.
•
and open-flame restriction
and to take I at~onal for the irrational
c o og1cal comfort for the k
.. ·- ..... "i.ake
imposed on dorm rooms (by no
so ace in th t
.
sa e of relig' . c'ilhbecause timeless word a keveryth1ng will be ok
No·""' -:···....
ton, iioW'
means intended to demean last
and Ii
s ta en from b
•
FA11 cuE 1
... ,
,
•
week's brilliantly elocuted
ttered With quasi-answ
a OOk fuf/ Of myth
~ R ci;nla r u f ~lcln,.·A·~,;i,;,;1· 'r cilt c
se.o
article by our own Julie
should be enough to soothe ;;: wh_ich must be heavily filtered
:;,~~se~~~"·~~:·~:·e :?l~~;:x;~;i;~~:.ffi~;~~~
On the contrary th' .
e pain and sorrow of 1· . .
by the educated m1·nd
;o .1o n c -1he
Meiman, a fellow Catholic and
Th '
• IS IS Utterly d'
.
IVtng in th'
/
is college teache .
isgustmg and re u
is word.
,n AT H OME
a damn fine complainer) or the
and that on t
h S tts students that this , h p gnant to anyone Who th· k
.
.iilc you rend yo ur
food in the Rat, look at it this
.
in s.
... or even sleep
new SYnt heSIS COncemin t we should t rust ft and COme tOB'bl e IS
.op t at , tha
. s w at the I
" '
...m AT THE OFFICE
.
·· · ~ ;.l "t;.. Y ..ope n,-yo ur mail.
o,u
way: if you don't like it, don't
I would th
g our tntellectu I
.
a
, ~ ''~p,g1; TH AN 3s o ooo OW NE
be the first in line to give the (}.J
ra er be a nihilist then b II
_ pursuits and faith
a
'"·n"~' \1)111Rc!nli-A-cizor 'is th e smart,.!~
school money when you -<
~oorryca/Rled "Christian college" sellsetoe~te in the god that this .
i~;!~;ji;.;r~,·,~;~,.;~ ~~ r;~';; ~':., ·:~oi::
ev. Mr. D th k
I s students
\ii' rf'I~ t >n "notch or SO' • ••
graduate. If the school didn't
, an S but no tha k
•
."·> " 01 A VIURA TOR ... not a m e
a!Sa
.
0 S.
· f'° · J ~e . . . No diet or. wci gl 1t loss involve~
have all it's private funding, it
.
. I . Las Vegas castno
ha nk s. l o mode rn science. Helnx-A-c izor r :
.
'lj "j' me by nc <u nll y exe rcisin g yo ur mu scle",
might be slightly more
Patty tn t he ear/y 1960sI working as a crgarette gtr tn a
,,..' ·' '
w II e you '""·
attentive to the students rather
, ~.• MOH E FA CT S ... yo urs f o r· the o k
,... ~ ·
J.:rg.k Se n,~ coup on for F REE illu s t rn t!led
than to their parents.
oo le t , ln s lnnt Exe r cise " - il 's FREE
OF cosr on OBLI GAT ION !
If you really want
H
.ATIONWl 'l E! NEW YORK CITY 711
Fifth Avenue, MU a. 4690 • CH ICAGO
something to whine about,
IL~INOIS , 17 Nort h State St reet '
. Suite 800, ST 2- 5680 • LOS ANGEL ES'
8
why not call your parents and
; ~~~l:~aRr~~A'oC g.s~i~h. L~o~;0~~~.1
; ~~f: ~y6 57 Bloor St reet West;
ask them to send money in
I
order to fund your favorite
J ~- . A
,,~~
''; ~·® '",,,..,., • •
axtt.ciz or ·-··-publication. Or, perhaps, to
, '. . "
I
use the money in order to bail
this writer out of jail after he
gets arrested for blatantly using
1• ~g~:~.~~.~,;~'. ~~~ 1~~"''
I
a copyrighted name to title his
·--· ft. ·-· . ·-· II Send me the "J~STANT EXER CISE" book let with- I
article. Next week: "Letters ;~~
~
outMcRost or obli ga tion - send In pl ain pac ket. I
.....~ , ..,,..
I 0 '
0 MRS.
0 MISS
from the joint -- greenbacks
I NAM E.
I
" ClTY
ADDRESS
I
and what to do without them."
. '\
.. ... ' '- • ••
~
I
------ZONE__ I
Now that's the real world for
,.c·~· '- ·••.
'
I I STATE _ _ _ _ PHONE
I
you.
·~~
T'
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W
•
"
i ;.:
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atSTLINE'
..
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um-• • ••••-- J9
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(ex)
~:u;~:;;~:nd
a mil ·
was
J.tant feminist
·~) She burnt bra s .
~
I' burnt my toga .
U) N""l
1 Im Independent .
~~
LJ
--:;
•\<~
-~-·· .
Al
.....,
--~!!OllU:tiiC.
Dipak
ps, I HAVE gre e k
friends
. ..
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~
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"'
�New News from the Old
Testament
By Pat "Zippetty Doo Da"
Garrett, Mike "From E to Z"
Augspurger, and Chuck "Busy
B" Schafer
The Bible as compiled by
monks of yore left many
chapters and books out of the
final edition. This recently
excavated chapter from the
book of Job (rhymes with
globe, robe, and ear lobe) gives
rise to an interesting new
interpretation.
Chapter 15b Job: I have heard
many things like these;
miserable comforters are you
all! God assails me and tears
me in his anger and gnashes
his teeth at me; my opponent
fastens on me his piercing
eyes. You are wrong, I am
right, na nanee boo boo stick
your heads in doodoo.
Bildad: But don't you believe
in retributive justice? You
must have done something
horrendous to deserve all these
boils. Are you sure you don't
ever spill your seed on the
ground or let your daughter see
your feet? Come on now.
Eliphaz: God assails you!
And yet you say you have been
pious? Hmmm. God says
he'll be good to faithful
believers, you are a faithful
believer, and you're covered
with pus. Waketh thee up, my
son! Thou needeth counseling.
Zophar: Alright, stop, castrate
it, and listen,
God is back with a brand new
dementia,
Somethin's gonna grab you
tightly,
Pain-in-all-your-boils daily and
nightly,
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't
know,
Check out my beat and let the
blood flow.
I am Zophar the rappin'
Naamathite
And I'll bu~t a move on your
.
God th mg plight
Bildad: That was a righteous
move you busted, Zophar.
Job·
G.
.
ive me not that
fai~less blaspemy, my posse!
You re not down with trustin
g
the Lord of Hosts!
Bildad: He's more like the
Lord of Hostess Snacks
judging by that white stuff
over you. It reminds me of
Little Deborahs.
·
Eliphaz: If it were only true
that Twinkies had an infinite
shelf life!
Zophar: Now Job my fresh
friend, you do not listen,
You be way wrong in dis
funky down position.
Naked you popped from yo'
mama's ole womb,
And now you all sored up
lookin' like a buffoon.
Womb. Buffoon. Boom.
Boom. Chica chica.
Scratch, chica, chica, scratch,
scratch, chica, BOOM. .. .
a1i
ed. note: The text moves
along in something of the
same vein for approximately
200 more lines. We thought
this was plenty.
by Brian Dixon
Anti-freeze Apple
Liquod Lead
Bloody Mary Red
Molasses
Cajun Blackened Banana
Dazzling Draino
Barney Sweat
Bruised Fruit
Super Premium Unleaded
Pock Mark Punch
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, October 01, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from October 01, 1993. The headline reads, "Special Space-Filler Issue". Accordingly, it features fewer pieces than most other issues. A selection from Stacey Greenberg's "I am Womban Hear Me Roar" is featured on the front page. The centerfold houses an article from Jeff Gadomski instead of his customary comic strip. Chris Brown writes a strong letter to Rev. Daughdrill, and Dipak Ghosh's poem hides in the bottom right hand corner. The back page has a piece from Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, and Chuck Schafer in which they reveal a previously unknown chapter of Job. Brian Dixon lists ten rejected Kool-Aid flavors.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stacey Greenberg, Jeff Gadomski, Chris Brown, Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Julie Meiman
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81d2e70945cf99cb8eeaab1d40a3b211.pdf
756ec3adfa17146450f8c19ee6e59de3
PDF Text
Text
>o not let Grey Hairs
app e ar.
/j
.
Friday 15 October 1993 Volume 2 Number 8
"'Winner ef the prestigious %ome
.
cotntng 'lJanner Contest tliree gears ntnning"
Hamblin' Leaf
It was one of those days
about which I don't care a
fecal molecule. You know,
at least I do, a day that my
mutant cousin would
record in her dog-eared
"history" book. Anyway,
temporal
characters
aside, I happened to be
supine
beneath
a
cancerous oak, struck
senseless by the mystery
of driven oscillators and
their curvaceous nonlinearities. Oh, how I
adore the simplicity of
straight lines ... and then
came Einstein, slashing
Euclid with his glistening
Occam Razo; . Blimey,
what a bloody mess. There
he
lay
dise m b o w e I ed,
his
convu !sing guts crying
out in some gastric
semaphore. The flagging
colon, pancreas and
thyroid gestured in brave
geome:~y.
Aias, th ey
collapsed in a glutinous
heap.
The genius won, Euclid
lay bent forever. Who
knows, he might have
been gay, jolly, happy,
all smiles with Gabriel
about Pythagorus'
hypotenuse. Maybe, maybe
not. No matter how
geometry hightaileq to the
Pearly Gates, there were
undeniably intestines wedded to Momma
Earth. The squirrels
came. Chipmunks
scattered. Squirrels went.
The stench of fermenting
bile
tickled
Diehl's
nostrils. Thank God the
chap's mettle lay tested
(brass).
Flies. Hoards of them.
Red, blue, green, and
even a few pleasant
pastels. Glittering in the
sun, nature's jewels.
Even Newton's prism
couldn't have done better.
The gems did the Lord of
the Flies proud, circling
their fare like gnats. The
rats
congragated,
shrieking their courieranthem through gnashing
incisors. They waited. The
flies danced their dance,
waltzing to the rats from
Euclid's elements, their
sucking pads mating ratf ur. Off went those
~ ouriers,
through
earth's
orifices and holes
in Gothic foundations,
· oblivious of $500 . 95
chairs two storeys above.
The Flies left, summoned
by bifocaled Piggies. No
~~~~~~~~~~- naval officer in peak caps.
·
.
Bacteria would finish
/ " / l f / r s e.-Euclid's
I kne.w
. ..:-·-=a ( vv~
. '. "'"""' .
.,
·· ..
'-
·»
U ld t
mol~cules.
T~ ,.. ff1n~ ~nrl
• i • ""!'
r; •
r -·
~
, H w could they?
couldn t. 0
X Rays
Mutated by
on
and
spread-eagle
waxed trays.
I to dust,
oust to bowe s
was
ashes to ashes. F~~ was
never the same,
Physics.
(by dipak)
THE N ARCISSUS
�... As faculty and students
of one of ~he most prestigious
universities in the world, and
most Politically Correct I
might add, I challenge all of you
to take hold of the
breakthroughs of science and
dispel the antiquated myths of
our countrymen and our world.
To enlighten your brothers and
sisters and proclaim the truth
that man is a complex and
intricate machine run by
chemicals and hormones and
that man has no soul or "ghost"
running the machine.
The most destructive idea
that has burdened man is this
notion of a "soul" or "spirit"
that resides within every
pernon. This idea has caused
men throughout history to
oppress thinkerE, stifle the
progress of civilization, and
shackle itself in the chains of
religion. What a glorious day it
will be when all men know and
understand that emotions such
as lovs, happiness, hate, anger,
sexual preference, and
depression are only outward
signs of the chemical
processes taking place in the
human body. Now that we no
longer need a "soul" or "spirit"
to explain these emotional
phenomena, mankind is freed to
be what he is, a machine.
With the gospel of science,
we can dispel the idea of "God"
or "gods" that we have come to
accept merely as archaic
traditions based 0n false
information. The ideas ensuing
from these traditions must be
abandoned, no matter how
psychologically appealing. The
day has come for our chemists,
biologists, psychiatrists,and
geneticists to replace our
ministers and priests. The
college campus is now the place
where the salvation of science
can come to man.
Morality.ethics, human
rights, justice, and dignity are
to be given up and the
promotion of self (i.e. survival
of the fittest) is to become the
golden rule of human life. This
is the "morality" that we need
to call our race to obey. Let us
take the key of science and
release our genmation from the
bonds of religion.Thank you,
good night, and may Darwin
bless you all.
....
......
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d:
:
A fragrant non-greasy
cream, which can be
applied, with most
refreshing
results,
~ny time, any day .
Absolutely pure, llnd
nothing ir, it to en·
·courage j!rowth of
superftuous Hair.
1·.. · h1<11rr.:. ,t·c:.
'
.
.
........... 4
~
....
(1)
<
(1)
(II
::i::
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......... ....... .
Mike Augspurger
Chris Brown
Clay Combs
Brian Dixon
Martin Fox
Jeff Gadomski
Pat Garrett
Dtpak Ghosh
Ros::l Gohlke
Julie Meililan
Charles Schafer
Don't miss next week's
surprising and insightful
Memojrs of a Memojr-thjef
episode:
0 n to Io g i ca I
Ontology With a Twist of
3
0
>'\
g.
....
c..
0
.Y'
ask faith and reason:
the advice column that is
really super
Ah yes," the other
party replies, "but you miss
the implied critique of the
conventional
fo rm s
of
_ fiction, a practice which we
1
crack redactor
crack columnist
crack c?lumnist
«':ack ven..ior
cracked
crack athi'.c ker
rack er Jftck
crack head
crack l'-•· 0 H;
crack pct
"the crack of dawn"
~
~0.
. '.\fr--.\ - );\_..
Sir lo rdly
1
Loa .
,;-~~~( ...,~
~r ~"'\ ... ~
J-c;)·i d. ) !·t.
:- ~· JJ!:f!lj~J__
'"'2_))
1
••
•HAT
L.i.m.e.!
potentially
workab le
ambiguity occurs to him and
is unfortunately forgotten
before it can be written
down. "Contextual analysis
reveals,• he continues, "a
decided lack of substance
which has been exchanged
for trendily disconnected
lines of prose and ill-defined
metaphors.•
ft!
crack staff box:
~
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
~od.J"-- ~~' d~~~;r ~r.~~~crocht'~:;:!: •
•
uayCream
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, !he Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
the point where It fits most
nicely
th ese
few
paragraphs, taken in the
correct light, could be the
undoing of our entire cuiture
-- the dawning of a new
intellectual era.•
r
Prevents Obesity.
.,••-- ....--.0 •••,
..-
./ 'PomeroJJ
uays
or
Magic
ang
8§..strajnt. or. Memoirs of a
Memojr-Tbjef. part I
by Martin Fox
Rehearsals of death
wound down slowly as he
left the funeral parlor and
became obsessed with
wearing inner tapestries.
the need for narrative flow,
or plot, waned as he walked
that lonely city of ghosts.
'Why have characters, or
t, even interaction ... ?'
He
murmured a bit too loudly
. into a cup of cheap coffee,
unaware that the rest of !he
diner's patrons overheard
him and would note this
remark in their reports to
the central committee.
'Divisive forces surround
us.' he continues to sub'Does it matter
vocal ize.
where they originate?"
Now seeing the next
potential segue in the letter
he plans ~c write to th 3
editor of the Oswa ld
assassination magazine, he
leaps up and rushes out of
the restaurant, forgetting to
pay the bill, and not noticing
the shift in tense.
Two months later, he sits
at his desk attempting to
avoid dozing off, as a
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Dear Faith and Reason,
moral
Are
there
absolutes? I want to know because
if there aren't, how can we find a
meaningful way to live our lives -also, wouldn't that make obeying
ru~es point.less and silly?
Sincerely,
NoahB. Leaf
Faith: Well, for starters, there
are moral absolutes. Just look at
the Bible. You cut out the stuff
that takes them for granted and -hey -- instant pocket Bible. What
kind of question is that, anyhow?
No moral absolutes, my foot.
Reason : Hmmm... I don't know.
This question is a real toughie.
The existence of moral absolutes
bas plagued humanity for a long
time, at least since I got to
college, and nobody's convinced
everybody else yet. Maybe if ~
talk around it I'll say something
profound.
Let me think... .
Nobody would disagree that we
have moral relatives. I mean,
everybody has what I call an "Aunt
Gertie figure" -- you know, that
chaste teetotaler you avoid at
family reunions because she's just
no fun. Also, there are plenty of
nonmoral absolutes -- laws of
science and such .
This is
beginning to bore me. I think the
point is, it's a lot more fun if you
don't buy into this whole m:.• .-1
thing. Especially the "abso2.:ite"
part. Tbere,s net enough mom &
aor
interpretation, really. Anyway,
obeying rules is pointless ~nd
st:ty, especially when you can tell
the room doesn't have those
rotating cameras. Also, abou, that
"meaning" stuff, give it up. It's a
waste of time. Just get one of
those goal-setting books and
adopt a wellness plan .
Clay's Column
by Clay
You can't come home again
Well, folks, it's fall and
we've sailed with little pomp
past another anniversary of the
greatest album of the 1980s
(The Unforgettable Fire) and
the leaves are sweetly tumin'.
All that can only mean one
thing, of course. It's time for
}lomecoming.
Ah, Homecoming! When
alums from the great collegiate
days of yore come back for a
look at the old school. When
class ;reunions bring together
old chums and kindle
bittersweet memories of
simpler, more innocent times.
When the mild-mannered folks
over in Development lick their
chops in a delirium of delicious
antich;ation. (Didn't they tell
you '1~ great privilege of being
an alumna/ us
is
the
opportunity to be hit up for
dough for the construction of a
$17 million weight room, the
glorious final step in the Make
Rhc,des More Like Vandy
campaign?)
Yes, it's Homecoming and
I, for one, couldn't be more
excited. Only once a year do
we aiums get the chance to see
so uiany of the people we've
"lost track of.'' The sweet bird
of scheduled chance meetings.
Imagine all those tres bons
nwts in one place!
Herewith, a sample
conversation, with subtexts:
Happy and Successful
Alum #1: Hey. . . [pause just
long enough to make it
obvious he or she doesn 't
remember the other person's
name] How are you doing?
It's so good to see you. [You
were in my path as I was
heading for the keg. Why
don't you go be in someone
else's way?]
Happy and Successful
Alum #2: Oh, hi. .. [similar
pause that says, 'I know the
name, but I can't place the
face'] I'm doing great. What
are you doing with yourself
these days? [Hitting the sauce
a little hard, there, o ren't we ?
One nwre brew and you migti
spew from here to Palmer
Hall.]
HSA #I: Just wrapped up
a doctorate at Stanford .
Comparative Lit. What about
yourself? [Bet you didn't even
get into grad school. Or
perhaps a Master's in Social
Life, Correspondence School
U.?]
HSA #2: I'm a junior
partner in a firm down in
Atlanta. [More money than
you'll ever dream of, btJy.]
HSA #1: Sounds great.
[Shoot me if I ever aspire to
junior partnership in
anything.] Don't you love it
down there? [That provincial
backwater?]
HSA #2: Oh, yeah, it's
fantastic. [pause for just the
appropriate half-second] Well,
I'm going to move on. [...
and talk to someone with a
life.] Take care of yourself.
[Don't spew.]
::SA #I: Okay, you do
the same. [Yeah, whatever.]
Give my love to Tracy.
[Raving bitch stood me up
one night junior year.]
[Please, God, keep the coast
clear all the way to the keg
this time.]
Sounds
idyllic .
:fomecoming, here we come!
�Mr. Wiggleston :
Last Friday after
my last class,
I
rushed to the Rat to
see what sort of
trash
was
being
printed in that most
meaningless of campus
rags, the Rat's Ass.
f i r St
My
disappointment came
at the eight of the
blatant carelessness
with
which
the
•femininity
speed
issue" was assembled.
Yet
my
astonishment was made
absolute as I perused
your
verbose
and
odious interpretation
of my "poem" as you
called it, only to
--------·-- ------------·
'YUMKAX
"De Reszke"
Dios del Maiz
(God of Corn)
~CIGARETTES
f'.ra1 bestowed by 11116iased judgc1 is convinse
cmg. .The fol.lowing opinions• of" De Reszke"
A 111enrm1 Cigarettes arc · those of well-known
·. ~ people whose words
r~ must carry weight:-
.
A. G. G•rdioer Esq
discover, much to my
'-- write~ :-" I find tho · u~
-'
Restke • A ,,..rican Cigarown amazement (not to
-" etr~s mott es:oellentdehcate and lndlYidual in
mention
disgust),
flavour, a P«fect harmony
of qualit1.
that my name was
po~ald C~hhrop, E1q. write1 :
.,I 11 ke I he De Reszko ' ';l ,,.,,.ican
associated with an
C1gann tes extremely, ~nd con.
sJ::er them excellent Jn e vcr1
anti-American jab at
way."
the
Vietnam
War
• Othu oplnio111 In other .. De
Reu:ke" oJocrliumenl.s
evoked
by
purely
Sold at a ll Military Can teens
at Ho me and Overseas also
sexual imagery and
T obacconists and Stores. '
the rape motif .
11/EDICAL OPIN ! Ol .
I
suppose
I
"JU BO L . is a1~ ex ccl~ e nt combina li? n ~f acti\·e ~gc:_n ts fo r th ~ l rea~~
should be grateful to
m e nt of mtest111al ch sorde rs. It 1s l11g hly succe",,ful . ~o r .ch rom e
constipa tion, re -e du catio n o f th e in testin e, and fac1litat111g the
you
for
your
di gesti ve p rocess, while it as ~ i~.t s. in pre \·ent 111g th e deve lopme nt. o f
adoration
of
my
e nterocolitis.
Its well -esta blisll ed effic a c ~· d esen·es th e a ttention
poetic skills, but
o f p hysicia ns as 1re ll as s uffe re rs to th e me rit s o f ~ CBO T_. ."
the fact is, I am not
Dr. JE .-\:\ S.-\LO :\IO:\", Pa ns :\f e tl1 cal F ac ulty.
even a po.e t.
Truth
be known, those four P ·":>arcd b~· J. [.. Cli~tclain , Ph.
little lines you so c ·· -~ :u ist , l'aris. Ca n he o hta111l•tl from a ll
-: :nists a n<l tlr ttJ.;' s tores, o r
graciously praised c:--~·· t. po'it frt' •', from the-.~
l- - :: -> h ant.l C 1ilo nia l 1\ g-t• nt ~.
were never meant to c::::tP , . . .J... ,1..,, j1 ~.....t I' h ar 111 a ~ r is ts
reaoh the light of l V ·:q; 11 L hc1111sb . •'J I, Pk1·a - an d
..; . London . \ \"., fro m
day.
Several weeks " :. ·rn a lso can be h a ll, p os t
i- - . th
rxp
ago
I
was
baby- b...;.;Jetse : fu'll:-=.r:il.'nla nato ry
·
t :.:.~ R <'111 c1
lics ' a nti
sitting a four year ' ·~ - ~ .~ t isc o n Di1..~t .'
old
in
a
house
without a TV , and,
being hard- pr essed to
keep
the
t ot
l ·
1>
entertained, I was
forced to resort to a
astime I
learned
long ago at Vac ation
B '1
ble School- cutting
out random words from
old
N a t i o n a l
Geographic magazines
and
:making
word
collages. The little
brat cried all night
because
his
last
baby-sitter
had
brought with her a
Nintendo G ...;..~boy, and
I was cold turkey.
Since I'd already
put the cement glue
(I found a jar under
the parents' bed) on
the paper, I forced
the
unthankful
enfante terrible to
stick some words to
it so the sausage
rinds in the trash
wouldn't stick to it
when I threw it away,
which I promptly did,
but not before the
borish bairn wrote my
name at the bottomhis idea of hilarious
revenge.
Apparently those
rascally Rat ' s Ass
editors (at least I
agree
with
your
assessment of them)
were digging through
dumpsteco later in
the week, looking for
a wholesome meal, and
dug
out
that
me a ningless p iece of
"poetry" and stuck it
in their trashy paper
for
a
lack
of
material .
I'm sorry for t he
mix - up.
But, du.ie ,.
g-et a life .
-Ross Goh l ke
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 15, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 15, 1993. The headline reads "Homecoming Issue!" The front page offers the ramblings of Dipak Ghosh, while the centerfold holds a satirical piece by "Dr. Rev. Mr. W. E. Coyote", and shorter pieces by Martin Fox and Clay Combs. The back page hosts Ross Gohlke. This issue is relatively sparse in terms of quantity of pieces when compared to the previous few.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Dipak Ghosh, Martin Fox, Clay Combs, Ross Gohlke, Mike Augspurger, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Julie Meiman, Charles Schafer, Pat Garrett
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9f407c8ea4ff4cdb2059a7b2608d1280.pdf
9adfa75429b94395a6b25ae2d50d488c
PDF Text
Text
~~~ LAUGH ~~URSELF?
"Predestined to bring you sub-par news reporting"
NOW A
MOTEL M:,::::.
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J'raduat-
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wonder·
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M1.irph)' ,
Mo•
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el.COMES
Volume
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Issue
IX
Ho•te••
of this
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hotel
thanks to
Lewis . ''
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Kwechle
October 29, 1993
st<AoKES,
Speci~Jh•v~~!?.~~~~~~n Issue''
• •
Clay's Column
by Clay
What Reformation means
to us,
or, What is the Baptist
Shrub?
I have fond memories of
the Halloween time of year,
but not because of that
particular holiday. In fact, kids
at my home church were
strongly discouraged from
taking part in the pagan ritual.
(Oddly enough, no one balked
at the celebration of Christmas,
despite the fact it was the early
believers' way of putting a
Christian face on the Roman
festival of Saturnalia, which as
a lowercase noun comes down
to us as a rough synonym for
orgy; perhaps there were some
small business owners in the
church.)
My church offered for
children, in the stead of
Halloween, a Reformation Day
festival commemorating the
nailing of Martin Luther's 95
theses to the Wittenberg door
on October 31, 1517. Just
what we children wanted-a
thoughtful , reverent way to
·protest modern America's
descent into decadence and
downright un-Protestantism,
and for all that, probably
communism, too.
Times for celebration often
lead us to reflect upon the
things we are fortunate enough
celebrating. Thus with the of a world without Baptists?
present holiday, we pause here Mainly, it would be this: there
to ask: Exactly what does the would be no Bellevue.
Reformation mean to us, that Memphis would have lost a
is, what if the Reformation had venue much larger than Mud
never happened? The questions Island, a multimillion-dollar
beg the obvious answer: enterprise large enough to
Without the Reformation, we'd warrant its own off-ramp from
all be Catholic. But I see 1-40.
Save FedEx and
another, more striking truth: Graceland, Bellevue is the only
Without the Retormat1on, men;
thing keeping Memphis on the
would be no Baptists.
map.
'Not logically necessary,'
you protest. True, the absence
of Reformation does not
logically preclude the advent of
Baptists. But I submit the
Reformation's ethos of
opposition provided the fertile
ground in which the Baptist
shrub could flourish.
For what is the Baptist
shrub, if not an intricate
herbaceous system
of
interlocking branches of
opposition? Take as examples
the
oppositions
to
homosexuality and sexual
license, coarse language,
consumption of refreshing
alcoholic beverages, rock and
roll and other forms of the
devil's music, Democrats and
their evil abortion racket, the
ordination of female pastors, .~~~~~-~ilmillil
· d
A UNIQUE CHRISTMAS GIFT!
and CUltS (sic] Of all kin S, A lid cover of make belleve mi nk wlll
· l U Ing I Sl am, J U d a1sm , powd the room . touch rich ,elegance tornand"
·
add
fi nal
of
an y
InC
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Th e
lustrous
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d (
t made mi n k Is a deep, furr y pil e fa bric
M ormon1sm, an
mos of nylon a nd dyne!. · Was hes bea utifully
important) Catholicism.
· · da willranch mildew or shed. Ara lla bl e
· rk n ot brown or pla tinum grey
In
Clever ly gift packaged for
$
But these are abstractions, sh11irn ent ctirect 10 M ends.
. 498
Send ch eck or money order
ideological tangents with little .N9 c.o.n: s 1i1ea se.
·
postpaid
apparent impact on our own
TIMME CORPORATION
h
h t? _ B o x 1699 •Wilmington , N . C.
r- itv tn cl :-i v . Wh at s t e ups o .
·
·
1
So no Reformation means
no Baptists means no Bellevue
means no Memphis. Which
means no Rhodes. Just think
of it-without Rhodes, we'd all
be at Vandy. Or would we be
able to tell the difference?
{ , ea +-
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Martin Luther
'
�Treat or Trick?
by Julie Mciman
We're all familiar with the
idea of "trick-or-treating": one day
a year, we knock on our neighbors'
doors and demand candy. We also
give them the option of NOT
giving us candy, in which case we
wreak havoc on their happy homes,
their cars, or their unsuspecting
children. It's an amazingly
satisfying set-up when you're a kid,
because either way, you get what
you want; you get to choose
between candy or destroying
property ... and it's often difficult to
turn one of those options down.
I would like to reform the
idea of trick-or treating, for two
reasons: first, it's a bad message
for kids: Johnny learns that
violence is the next step to take if
his demands aren't met Second:
I'm too old to trick-or treat, and the
kids are the ones getting all the
candy.
I'm arguing for a fair
exchange of goods. If I give a kid
some candy, then I get to reach into
his or her bag and grab a handful in
return. If the kid doesn't have any
candy, then I get to hose him
down. (That's the "trick" part.)
Granted, it. doesn't teach Johnny
that violence is bad, but at least he
understands "an eye for an eye, a
tooth for a tooth," and all that
stuff. You give me candy, I give
you candy. You trick me, I trick
you.
Giving out candy at
Halloween is a little like paying
indulgences. Let's say you yelled
at a kid for walking through your
flower-bed, and you feel guilty; on
Halloween, you give him a double
scoop of candy, and automatically
you erase your overwhelming sense
of guilt.
However, under the new,
reformed idea of trick-or-treating,
there's no such thing as
indulgences. There's just plain
indulgence. You don't need lo
w
I
tall,,
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sive\'f \c\\e:,,.
neighlS 1n )
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origi_n"\,:o:~~so\d
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creosin9
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you direcl ro
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JOSE:P II< ShDwroorTlo
f actor')'
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c~ll ~r
write 1~~9
E cATALOG
fRE
'{ 2-1313
M>.KE~ C
c
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54
fl#
!tfW
~
~
comes with homefries and
toast. Not depending upon
. h
wh1c one I order,
I am
assured of eating a large
breakfast with everything
being made from scratch and
free refills on my coffee. All
of the breads and pastries
that are served are made at
the College Inn and range
from blueberry muffins to a
five grain bread. If you are
not into having a heavy
breakfast you can always
order fresh fruit, granola, a
pastry, or oatmeal. One can
walk out of Brother Juniper's
College Inn having devoured
probably the best breakfast in
//
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I
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Refrns~in~
, -Re!c1
xmg .
.;ENJOY
''Ke-fur~mV'\fSh s ·nu.e..
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Memphis and pay under $5. If
you like the coffee or bread
that you had for breakfast
you can buy a pound of coffee
beans and/or purchase'.,a loaf
of homemade bread or some
muffins to take home with
you. While one may have to
sacrifice a little sleep to get
this breakfast before going to
class, you will be so wired
from the great cups of coffee
that you won't even notice
the hours of sleep that you
missed. Needlhss to say that
even if you don't like
breakfast or getting up before
most warm blooded animals
do you need to give this place
a try, but if you do like
breakfast then you need to
make a pilgrimage over to
Brother Juniper's College Inn.
As a side note, the College Inn
will be opening its doors during
the evening and functioning as a
coffee house from MondayFrid ay( 6-12) serving
cappuccino, espresso, pastries
and the possibility of a limited
menu. So, if you need a good
place to drink some superb
coffee or you just want a cool
place to go and talk the College
Inn i~
thA nlRr.A
The Anatomy of, not in,
My Underwear, or How
Underwear Reflects the
Inner You
BAlllE CREEK ,
?t_~l§:/1
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VAPOR
BATH
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I
Sitting on the toilet
hoping for a nice bowei
movement, I cannot help but
notice my boxer shorts. Navy
blue with a tube sock pattern. I suddenly realize that
besides my girlfriend and
maybe my roommates, no
one has ever seen me in my
tube sock boxers. Nor my
soccerball pattern, nor my
polka dots, nor any of the
plethora of plaids in the underwear collection. My mom
has seen them, the boxers,
because she purchased most
of them.
If these patterns are
cool enough to be inside my
pants, next to my body, then
why not on the outside? I
envision myself walking
down the street with navy
blue tube socked pants. Of
course, I laugh, slap my face,
and replace the image of tube
socks with a nice denim. Underwear patterns are just not
acceptable as trousers. People would stare. Therein lies
the problem. I want to wear
navy blue tube socked pants.
I also do not want people to
stare. Boxer shorts, then, allow for the sublimation of
this fanatical desire to wear
oddly patterned pants. I can
put on the boxers and feel a
little crazy.
I know this is true
because after my movement I
am suddenly envigored. Was
it the jostling of my bowels? I
don't think so. I truly believe
the sight of my boxers gave
me a boost. That's why everybody wears zany boxers,
for that extra boost, for that
"old time religion" feeling.
At this point I have
to make some disclaimers. As
a guy, I'm writing this article
as if I were a guy. And not
y 0 - Can Have a
u
HE-MAN VOICE
STRENGTHEN your ••ice thi1
tested, scientific wa~ . Yes-yoo
0
•
may now be able t.o impr_ ve the
o
~ 0 w ER of your 1pe&k1,n2 and
aing;ing; voice . .• in ~h~ pnvacy of
your room! Self·tram!DI' les?Ons,
mo1tly1ilent. No mu11c requ1red.
FREE BOOKLET
"'' ..
'Yrit.e ,todr~~tfb:.o~fe~~~H!!~;br,evelop a Succeslful Voice."
tJ~g;erba ~ tel FREE! You must state your a~e . Boold~t
~.i1:d •;o~tp:id plain sealed
will
bother you. Send your name an ag;e
in
c. ~-~
_.,
+
i
I
0
)
by Brian Dixon
!
"HOW
Every Tuesday morning my
alarm clock goes off. at
s: 4 sa.m. 1 then proceed ,in a
state of delirium, to stumble
to the bathroom and do the
necessary shit, shower, an~
shave routine. Although this ,
is a very horrific scene, '
Tuesday is a great day. Every
Tuesday for the past two
months I have gotten up in the
pre-dawn hours of the
morning and frequented my
favorite
place
to eat
breakfast, Brother Junipe.r's
College Inn. I usually arrive
some time after 6:30a.m. and
sit at my usual table in the
right corner. The same
waitress has always been
there every Tuesday since I
have been going to the College
Inn. She walks over and tells
me the coffee of the day and I
have a cup of it as usual. The
coffee beans are grown
organically and ground fresh
every morning, which makes
for a mean cup of joe. I order
either the breakfast special,
an omelette, or a #4 that
worry abour purging your guilt
bccau~ g!ving some kid a scoo~ of
candy isn l going to get you any
real forgiveness. (I'm talking
about salvation now.) You might
as well just reach back inro that
kid's bag and grab as much as you
can ...and indulge ... because
Hall~ween's not about Christianity
or saints or forgiveness. It's about
candy, and lots of it.
t-" Q__ , Luxurious -
dnveloK1GGT NoeWian
Prtftcl hie• l1stll1\1, J2S I . lat~Sll lld., Stadlt lM-51, tblCJfO &, Ill.
:Jc~ ~in gcfcbiiftl mil btr prr;
6o id> auff1ra9 brn ~irni~ rtP/
€5o &alb mn'n bicnr brn btngrl &ucfr/
~ i~ cin ~osn Pl'P9ro 9cbruift.
:Da bur~ tomk man etc ~un~ an taBf
:Dit mon lci~dicb btFommm mog.
Cl)or 1cifcn ~at man bic~tlcf?trsfcbn~n/
~" ~anQ bid\'un~ !l'41'b cr~Ucf> cnctiir.
just any guy. I'm writing as
if I were Brian Dixon. You
may not feel particularly
boisterous when you slip on a
pair of boxers. That's fine.
You may own some tube sock
pattern pants. That's great.
I'll stare at you when you :
pass, but that probably won't
bother you. You may be of
the opposite sex, and that
would be fine with me.
Anyway, back to un- ;
derwear. The same philoso- I
phy remotely applies to neckties and shirts, both of which
have been known to push the
limits of color theory and
taste. The difference here, of
course, is that neckties and
shirts are normally worn on
the exterior of a person. Perhaps, but this is only speculation, loopy ties and shirts are
for overly confident individuals. I would understand this
since many flamboyant people wear loopy, sometimes
brightly colored clothes.
They know that people will
stare. That's what they want.
I myself own many ties that
are a bit, shall we say, different. I'm not flamboyant, so
perhaps my theory is wrong.
Can you imagine, though, the
rush I get from wearing exuberant boxers and an equally
bozo tie? I'd compare it to
speaking in tongues or being
in a zone. Pretty cool, huh?
Thank you for being
patient. Next week we'll explore the anatomy in my underwear and how it fits in the
inner you.
•·
�Ten Most Underpublicized Grievances/ Theses
1. Last Rites should've had Colonel Bruce both nights
2. 'I Say we shall have no more marriages!'
3. Good Works unnecessary for salva!ion. You just
f gotta have faith-a, faith-a, faith.
4. Last album a little too ethereal.~
5. Nympho Nuns refuse to give up their habits.
6. Still can't believe the Cardinals lost to the Royals back
in the '83 series. Saberhagen is the devil.
7. Serving blush with the communion wafers? It should '
be a hearty Cabernet SavignonL
8. Two words: no sex.
9. Growing tired of the Papal Bull
10. Pope getting too liberal with damnations.
r
~ NOR;~y
~r,
7th Century
VIKIN~ SWORt>
i..L~·
Aulhrnlic in
Evur
btl• il
A COllECTOR"S ITEM m•dt ;,
N,,.,,
br uptrl cr•lhmtn, lo !ht tud tprc ilic. ·
liot11 of tht ori9in1I " Snultmo " 1wo1d
ihown 11 lht Unh·mily of 0110 Hvuum .
Solid b,.n hill wilh !ht .1ncirnl
dtcor•lioni
of !hr ori9in•I Vilmg Swo1d , wilh lint nidrl
tilvu bl•dt. Ovm11/ lr n9hl ninr •ndont·
~uultr inchu .
Uniqur conwrrHlion piru for homr 1nd
olfict. Pmllc.I p1pu lnilr lor dr1l , idul
ururlivr tilt ilrm . f"h sword is hind·
somrly gilt baud wilh .ccomp•nr ing boolltl
9i•in9 inlrrtdin9 ind infotm•l i"t .,chuo·
logiul dtl•ils of 01i9in1I sword . , . . S 5.00
W1ilr 101 rout Viling Sword tod., . Prompl
potlp•id delivtir. 8 d•rs 1tlu1n pri wilr9u .
Send chtcl or monrr 01dr1, No C001 plu1r.
NOR·WEGIAN SILVER CORP.
NORWAY HOUSE . O•pl. £. 10
290 H•di1on Awt . Nrw Yor l 11 , N.Y.
Ontological Ontology
With a Twist of Lime. or.
Memoirs of a MemoirThief. oart 2
by Martin Fox
strangely reminded of
the missing pages in
the books he had
checked out on Jack
Ruby, while trying to
avoid thinking about
himself as a composite
of cultural icons.
Distracted later
by thoughts of structure, s impact on
meaning, his searc~ for
a way to communicate
these
effeminate
shadows in poetic form
is forgotten. "Has our
emphasis
on
the
discovery of new
c on v en ti on s
been
gained at a loss of
meaningful content?"
h e
semi-consciously
writes on the board,
after failing to recall
the subject matter of
the prepdred lesson's
material.
Ap
unusually
precocious
student
attempts to gain favor
by remarking: "Perhaps
so -- but isn't the reader
also forced by such an
approach to connect the
incidents with his or
her own collection of
symbols and experiences
in effect
causing the story to be
written again each time
it is read?"
•in the room
You are sitting on your
The Rat's
Ass is
ancient couch reading a bit of Le.
assembled by a crack staff
Marte D'Arthur when you are
i of Rhodes students and/or
overcome by the sofa's
publish_ed
·n· gness to share its olfactory i friends,
Wl m
. ..
whenever the staff feel like Clay Combs
history . You respond by igmtmg
it, and distributed ~or mass Mike Augspurger
a small incense cone you rec.en~ly
rn the Charles Schafer
1 consumption
purchased at Walgreen's. W1thm
r domain of actual campus Pat Garrett
instants, a dizzying flurry ~f
publicatons, the Rat. Martin Fox
tumult and violence erupts mto
1
Obviously there are n_o Chris Brown
your tiny cubicle. When the dust
I restrictions on what ~s Ross Gohlke
clears, you are handcuffed; a. .
I published.
There ts Brian Dixon
detachment of collegiate qmsh?gs
I neither regard for, nor Julie Meiman
and uniformed enforcers is re~mg
1 claim of, truth, so don't
you your rights in unison, which
I get on usabout i~. ~eel
takes about two seconds. You f~el
\ free to send contr1but1ons
oppress ed . With rational chagrin,
Iand/or letters via campus
you realize you are.
.
imail to any one of the
*** If any of the preceding
\ poor souls listed here.
·os struck a major chord
I
see nan
h"
"th you then think about t is:
Wl
•
h"
you can change the way t mgs
I
are. M ass concerted action is the
\
way to go. This is our college,
\
let's take it back!
I
E ' t Q U E. ITE:
\
~--~
\
\
Indulgence Vendor
II Papa
Extreme Unction
Knight Templar
Damned to Hell
Arminian
Reprobate
90 Weight Feces
Spanish lnquisitrix
' r
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, Volume, October 29, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 09
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 29, 1993. After the sparse offerings of the previous issue, a return to form can be seen here. The headline reads "Special Reformation Issue!!" Clay Combs comments on Halloween and the Baptist Church, and Julie Meiman follows with a piece on trick-or-treating. Brian Dixon ponders underwear patterns, Chris Brown reviews Brother Juniper's College Inn, and Charles Schafer gives a call to action. Martin Fox closes the issue.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Julie Meiman, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Charles Schafer, Martin Fox, Mike Augspurger, Ross Gohlke
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ef32bc4b519e70ec7a869d3a0bf6b20.pdf
abd9c37fff3ac1cb2931c28cd49253b6
PDF Text
Text
Call Me:
Exclusive Interviews with Paul and Art!!
'<
@)'
E-Area 26/WALLS-An
l s
s
I
f
One Small Step for NASA and
One Giant Leap for
Michael Jordan
by Brian Dixon
Another Space Shuttle launch
was scrubbed last week.
What's new? NASA has made
it a habit recently to screw
up, look outdated, and in
other words, seriously booboo.
Need I mention the lost Mars
Probe? Probably not.
What about the space shuttle
mission prolonged because
bad weather prevented a safe
daytime landing. Eventually,
the scientists decided to risk
it, to let the shuttle land unprecedently in the dark. After
propelling the ship through
earth's atmosphere where it
navigated through asteroid
belts and other celestial obstacles, the scientists were
worried about insufficient
light? I can just envision the
post-landing
exuberance.
Control room scientists and
engineers jumping up and
slapping hi-fives, screaming
"yessssrr ," realizing that by
conquering the dark they had
nearly twelve extra hours
each day with which to work.
.I
n overcrowded table"
"Justan$rshee~~in~l
P
~
November
The latest mission, which was
canceled twice before finally
lifting off, is another gasser.
The stated mission? To study
the effects of weightlessness
on the human body. Hello!
I've heard of more advanced
research in a sixth grade science fair. After thirty years of
space study and travel they're
still unsure about those effects? Its called floating, lots
of it. I thought we were all
squared away on this one. Remember that golfball the astronaut teed off with from the
moon? Still floating.
Maybe NASA needs to rethink
its purpose, come up with a
new mission. Afterall the
cold war, the reason NASA
was born, to keep up with
?ur neighbors the Joneskies,
IS over. At one time NASA
may have been a point of national pride, a symbol that
America had conquered as
much terrestial frontier as
possible, that we had
nowhere to go, as it were, but
up. Perhaps they need to invest some time in watching
Star Trek: 1Jze New Genera~ion in the hopes of reaping
Ideas that others have already
sown. Perhaps a manned
mission to Mars, the moon of
the nineties, is just what
NASA needs.
But then again, maybe NASA
•
ju't n0<d.. to hang up tho
back on an ill
.
space boots and retire.
remembering u:~rious career,
Michael Jordan, America's
the first m
at they put
greatest aviational wonder,
an
Th ey won th on th e moon.
did it. Walked away from the
race has b e race, but the
game in his heyday. No com196
een over ·
9. If they t "II
s111ce
petition he said. Again, now
out Winne s J Want to go
that the cold war is over
rs, though
h ad better hur
' they
NASA has the same problem.
ups are bec:;'·. The goofShould they follow Jordan
A m 111g more
prevalent
into the world of relaxation
Michael ]~rdannd afterall,
and unlimited product enball in mid-flightever lost a
dorsement? They could look
/'
·
.
.
_,b rt Q.
J1
Am e.r Jc et,,.( yf.4. 114
I
- - ....J--:
_ •
0
e c r , E Jl.f ,4 '- ' - /
I
t T+A. A"' -z(.. (..
f e{;
Co.. rrJ
�Rarrblin Leaf
cy Dipak cnsh
Leaves, leaves
everywhere. It's
Fall.
Is
He
telling rre to shed
my leaf and fall
to rrv senses? No.
God is nice. (So
"COOL" that hell
is Har. ) He wants
me to fly. I can
feel it. The cold
air shrinks, gets
denser, sinks and
lifts rre up to the
heavens. Not too
high. I'm only
I
truth. Slate.
Dark, grey slate.
Halliburton stood
up, ringing that
The Hip, Happening
Spots Around Town.
by ruthle stephenson
..
l>
n
. .,
...
, , LOOKING
. ·. 'FOR Y OUR
that Rhodes in the las t
ten years has grown 4 6
· percent. The statement
hurran.
DREAM HOME'r was followed by an
e>:N>!'l exclamation
point.
Higher, higher.
· +~ Clearly this was a
The sun doesn't
I promising statistic.
blind me, it's
)., .,.,·.·•.
I would like ask ,
~:::::===------·-1 1
whether Rhodes needs to
shrouded with
has
grey. It's cold. _. Where to buy it? See last page . grow. The schoolsmall
defined itself as a
The wax won I t r, Bursting at the Seams
liberal arts college. Its
purpose is to be one of
melt' i I 11 stay "
by Mike Augspurger
I
My experience in the
the best of these in the
airborne.
world of business has
nation; the object is
Laplace has been
been small. I was once a
clearly quality.
Does
cashier for a summer. I
growth forward this goal?
Trans forming my
even took Economics my
Will increasing the
mind brutally. Hew
second year. Most of the
student
body
size
equitable are
class seemed to be
without hiring new
common sense.
But
professors move the
differentials?
every once in awhile I
Lorentz wasn' t
would hear something
.
which seemed countermu ch
k l n de r
intuitive. My professor
either. My head
once told us. or perhaps
hurts. The whiter
it was the text book. that
international expansion
sandstone was an
in business most often
illusion. I took
results from a CEO's ego.
In expansion into the
off an d saw t h e
farthest reaches of the
East and Gaul and
Brittania, a business
more often ends up
opening itself for attack
than
securing
it.s
school toward this goal?
interests.
I hactr:i t
President Daughdrill
realized that personality
wrote in the Rhodes
played
a
part in
Today that a school must
international economics.
balance business and
1 hadn't realized that
academics. This makes
growth wasn't always
sense.
New students
justified.
bring new money.
I
The most recent
wonder only whether this
Rhodes Today. in a series
steady increase in size is
of answers to common
not
gradually
alumni questions. said
undermining the goal for
I
h-
Her name Is Virginia
and she's really cool.
She's my mentor I was
matched With through
Leadership Rhodes, but
I consider her an older
'.!
friend because she's
loads of fun. We hang
out and go to a new
dive for lunch once a
week. #The first joint
we hit a few weeks ago
was the Fowway Grill-(don't get it confused
With the Two Way). The
Fourway Grill is located
back in midtown on (I
think) Mississippi
Blvd. --a section of town
Sou.th.western R,e.,iew
you might not want to
is still acceptinq submissions
pogo stick through in
of fiction . poetry, photos,and.
the middle of the night.
The only entrance to
other artwork. The DEADLINE
the FW is in the back,
and the vinyl padded
is WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10.
door is studded with
The are three ways to submit:
furniture tacks. Kind of
1)By computer (see instructions
like this: r-----~
in the HacLab), 2)'I'hru library
Upon
viewing
reserve folder 1000, 3)slip
this
it under 'I'alDlli's door
awesome
(114 Voorhies). LIMIT 5
decor, I
realize
submissions per person.
that
Contrary to popular belief,
·;,
I must
which 'the business
you need not be bitter
aspects of Rhodes exist
" . ring the bell In order to
to submit, but we do encourage
be let in to see the
in the first place.
0
inner decorations as
Alumni might want a \ _
i
diy~r,st.~ ~ .c:r~~i~. ,: , i
well as for lunch. # The
L1)<' l r. I n(. ff\h I J 1 1 1 1( 1 0 _. T: I ._:.,
'
larger school; everyone
eating area Is nice &
wants a school that is
r.
.. ..,; . _---:.__ . ,
'.. i
cozy With approximately
recognized. Perhaps the
8 tables covered With
President and the Board
vinyl tablecloths.
,1of Trustees want a larger
Pictures of famous
people line the walls
and give the place lots
of atmosphere--not to
mention our friendly
'\ :"
,,
f ". . \
and helpful waitress.
;:""'.~' Ji:,.,," . .. - '
..
- ....
....:;. .
For lunch I ordered
·-.
fried chicken-their
Top Ten "If You Haven't
supposed specialty. It
Read It" Slogans Rejected
was good, but I'm no
school; most people
..,, ·· connoisseur when it
by the Commercial Appeal
would be thrilled to be
comes to fried chicken.
among Memphis Mag. Virginia ordered some
by Brian Dixon
azine's
50
most
.,/",.. veggies: something like
important people for,
r· ~
beans and red cabbage.
IO.
1'
Virginia and I agreed
among two or three
If · · · it reall)_' hasn't happened.
9.
things, bringing Rhodes
that the cornbread
If · · · some btrd is poopin' on it
8. If · · . then go to hell.
muffins were by far the
an accounting master's
·
7. If · · · you probably never will.
best-especially if you
degree program. But as a
douse them in honey.
6.
student. I want a better
If
you might not
#The Fourway Grill is a
5. If ·. ·. ·. you're a goob. know how to read ·
small liberal arts college.
popular lunch spot
And I don't see any
4.
amongst mid/down
evidence indicating that ~ ':' ,.;>} 3 • If · · · we hope someone else has
towners. It opens at
If · · · neither have we.
·
growth moves Rhodes
2.
11 :00, so get there
towards that goal.
1. :: ... you~re probably reading The Rat's Ass
early if you want a seat.
... It might be written in Hebrew.
And don't forget to ring
the bell.
J
'Jhe
l
.•
>
"
" ~ ~:.-
'f U:~,;g on iJy!
>
"
-·
Clay Combs
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
Chuck Schafer
Julie Meiman
Mike Augspurger
Ross Gohlke
Martin Fox
Chris Brown
&rand Boy
Peon
HiredHand
Fetcher
Scribe
Assistant
Trainee
Help
Hanger-on
�l
v alid," he questions
one of the actors in
the TV drama, uto be
more concerned about
the stru c ture of a
work of fiction than
the actual content
therein?"
character
The
turns,
continuing
his lines: " ... well,
of course.
You've
got to put in the
elements you wish to
1
· have
in the story·
'Be sure also to lead
reader
to
'the
/ closely examine varwi thin that
structure, as well
as to obser v e the
incloseness
the
cidents adhere to
of
various
parts
Is
this structure.
there, for instance,
a larger structure
made up of smaller
parts?"
Th• Werewolvea
of
Suburbia,
or,
Memoir•
of
a
Memoir-Thief,
part 3
by Martin Fox
Entranced by the
carpet's
pattern,
our
hero
conceptualizes, but is
unable
to express
his theory of spacet ime.
Development
here and now is made
untenable and not
worthy of defense,
as he
imagines a
burning city in the
distance.
uMore comforting
arrangements can be
found-but would
you want them?" he
attempts to imply in
the way he buys a
pornographic
magazine.
As he
walks away from the
kiosk,
he glances
back at the clerk,
who seems oblivious
message.
his
to
#Inundated
by
culture, I see . .
he shouts over his
shoulder, gaining no
more attention from
the
vendor.
He
quickens his step,
looking about
the
station for the two
men
he'd
thought
were fol lowing him.
How much had his
actions been monitored on November
24,
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To follow this everdarkening tale, read
the next episode of
Memoirs of a Memoir Thief. Monster in MY
£Qtl .
m
I
en
-<
r
-t
m
1963?
He
later
eats
dinner in front of
the television, and
sees a clever camera
angle for the film
he's been
to make.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 5, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 5, 1993. It sees the return to the sparseness of articles evident in the October 15, 1993 issue. The headline reads "Special November Issue!!" Brian Dixon takes the first page with a view on NASA, and gives a signature top ten list on the centerfold. Dipak Ghosh and Mike Augspurger's pieces surround the Brian's list, along with a call to writers for the Southwestern Review. Martin Fox fills the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Mike Augspurger, Martin Fox, Clay Combs, Pat Garrett, Chuck Schafer, Julie Meiman, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/a7f15a9363812a9f9212e0e7a5961873.pdf
2081bb1a3dfb37a555abd9245ee4dd73
PDF Text
Text
I)
volume 11 issue 11, 1993, Nov 17
\.~"<.~
"don't even bother to read this poor excuse for an already
.. i ngr et e .:~
speciel
ner\tege
b~
~o~~'-'CJ
0
nsk fnlth nnd renson
(compiled by chnrles
schnfer)
Dear Faith and Reason :
I know that when we
degree of goodness or
die and go before the
badness. Further note that
judgment seat of the Lord,
since these acts do not occur
He will open up the Book of
on discrete time Increments
Life and add up our good and
but, rather, are continuous,
bad deeds to see if we are
the Lord is forced to
admitted to heaven. What
evaluate a large number of
I've always wondered is,
integrals of various
does this happen right after
"goodness functions" over
we die or do we have to wait
intervals along the real
until the Judgment Day at the number line for each person!
end of the world?
seeing es how Jesus came to
Sincerely,
Ivan Tunowinov
Faith: You ask too many
questions, Ivan. You only
need to know one thing to be
a Christian, which is that
Jesus Christ died for you on
the cross . Of course, this
fact directly implies many
other things which are
important, such as don't
listen to secular rock'n'roll,
always give money to
charismatic Southern TV
personalities, stay away
from The Last Temptation of
.cJld.ll, and so on .
Reason: Ivan, that is a very
good question. The key is
actually the bit about the
Lord adding up rights and
wrongs . Note that when
people do good or bad acts ,
they in fact are doing acts
that continually vary In their
sove us •bout two thous•nd
years ago and the calculus
has only been around since
Newton, the Lord Is still
trying very hard to catch up
on these often tricky sums.
The upshot of all this is that
you're going to be waiting a
long time to get Into heaven
1f you die right now. '
Faith: So all those crusaders
who died In battle, their lest
breaths gasping "Tonight we
shall dine In paredlse" or
some such hopeful phrese
t~ey ere still hungry, In '
limbo somewhere?
Re_son: Thet is correct.
a
Feith: I find thet herd to
pelete.
Reeson: And so 1t must be
false?
Feith: Well. ..
Reeson: Thet's whet's so
ridiculous ebout your
outlook! Beceuse life seems
desolate, "unpeleteble ..
there must be somethl~g we
are overlooking, something
thet Is good end Is order
something which, no met,ter
whet you sey, functions to
meke the world seem
ultimately just, even kind.
Yes, kind. When pressed you
deny it -- but thet's why you
believe God loves you . You
went to believe thet you live
ev~n
In a kind world. Well, you
don't. Don't count on God's
justice In the afterlife
because it might not come.
Don't count on It In the world
because It's never been
proven to exl st and because
It might make you less
concerned with human
justice. Make your own
justice.
Faith: I don't feel like
listening to you on one of
your soapboxes .
Reason: That was
sementlcelly emblguous.
Feith: You're being e jerk
But es long es we 're being.
picky, Whet you just seld
wes redundent. If e sentence
Is embiguous, 1t Is
sementlcelly emblguous.
{ to be continued }
�Ratios And Why You Shouldn't Trust Them
by: chris brown
As next semester registration
passes us by , I have some
thoughts on class size. In one
of my classes for next
semester the class size has
been increased to 30 students.
I transferred to this school
from a college that had 30-40
students in a class. I was also
paying less than half of what I
am now paying. ( humm . am
I being screwed?) Rhodes
prides itself on being a
"small" liberal arts college.
Now, "small" is to qnly be
understood as a fewer number
of students in the student
population when compared to
other college campuses. It
does not mean that you will
have a small class size or that
you will receive more
individual attention.
It has not occurred to
the Administration that
when you add to the student
population and don't hire
more professors, then class
size must go up. Or maybe
it has crossed their minds and
they just don't care about the
quality of education that
Rhodes offers. It can be
said, and I think honestly,
I! that the administration is not
j terribly concerned about
11
living up to its 12: 1 student
to teacher ratio that it so
proudly prints in the
pamphlets and catalogues it
sends to naive parents and
student prospects. While the
12: 1 ratio is correct, it
means nothing in practical
terms. The quality of the
class room experience that
Rhodes will offer to the
student is now irrelevant
Just as loµg as the college
can have the appearance of
looking small is all that
matters.
Rhodes, like many
third world nations, is a
paper tiger. While on paper
the college boasts all of
these wonderful figures and
ratios that makes it superior
shake. I could tell my
shake was the real me coy
because it bad chocolate
syrup dripping down the
side. # The only downside
to the food is that it's all
served with paper or
styrofoam plates, cups,
Wiles-Smith Drug Store
by ruthie stepbenson
lo other colleges is only a
mirage. These ratios and
figures are lost in the reality
of the classroom Or
another way to see Rhodes
is like chocolate covered
piece of dung. From the
outside it looks extremely
pleasing, but on the inside
it is nothing but pure shit.
Memphis's oldest
independent drug store is
bidden on 1635 Union
between Gamer's Frame
Shop and Fast Signs. You
wouldn't think differently
about this place because
it's just a pharmacy.
Wrong. My mentor/friend
Virginia (see last week's
article) suggested we meet
at Wiles for lunch one day.
I didn't know what kind of
treat I was in for. When I
pulled up in my blue
truck, I saw "OldFashioned Soda Fountain"
advertised in the window.
Boy, ob boy was this a
new find. # I walked in and
bad a seat on a spinning
stool at the counter. I
took advantage of my new
seat and spun around a few
times to check out
everything while I waited
for Virginia. Wiles is
quaint and bas character.
It's not overcrowded like
most super stores, and if
you became a regular
customer, you'd definitely
know everyone by name. #
When Virginia arrived, we
seated ourselves at a vinylcovered booth with rips in
it--the kind of booth that
adds character to a place.
Virginia ordered the
homemade chicken salad--a
Wiles specialty--and
vegetable soup. I ordered a
BLT and a chocolate
and utensils. The reason
being not having to hassle
with the sanitation
regulations of washing
dishes. The upside,
" however, is the friendly
· waitresses, the O.B.G.
atmosphere (celebrating
their 49th year), and the
cheap food. Virginia bas
even seen Cybil Shepard
there. # The homemade
inexpensive. Sandwiches
range from $1.75-2.95 and
. shakes for $2.00 (regular)
1
and $2.45 (extra thick). #
This is the place to go for
a quick bite or a slow meal
and it's incredibly
affordable. You could even
, treat a friend to lunch for
1
under 5 bucks. Just keep
your eyes open when
you're travelling down
Union because you could
easily miss one of the
finest drug stores around.
Monster in My
Poet. or. Memoirs
of a Memoir-Thief.
part 4
by Martin Fox
UlllUUlilllllllllllllllllllllllllllUll'
[
~
~r.~~
'~
,~u3:,, ' ;i
,,J
:-i' '
~~ ~~1;: STAFF BOX
·
~ t ~~ pAt garrett wild turkey
chris brown marshmallow und yam casserole
briAn dixon i'm dressing
clAy combs punkin
chArles schafer liver gravy
dipAk ghosh plymouth sundanc""'""Jrro'"'-"'.......1.6julie meimAn progressive pilgrim
ruthie stephenson postmodern pilgrim
mike Augspurger deconstructive pilgrim
john wAyne listen pilgrim
ross gohlke unwitting native american
Allegorical
dust settles around
him, as he wanders
alone in
the
painted desert.
Visions of grandeur and stasis no
speak
lo n ge r
distinctly,
as
nothing heeds
t h e
fevered
pronouncements
barely
wh ich
escape his lips.
"How will we
teach these songs
-10 our children?": '
he asks, his shouts
muffled by the
music playing on
stage. "I'll work in
the margins." He
confides to the
twls ting forms,
"Who's going to
stop me?"
With loaded
pistol and evidence
gathered on the
Warren com·miss ..
ions' habits and
personality-traits,
he surreptitiously
searches the Dallas
night-clubs.
Having killed
time, he plans the
next installment in
his series of tightly
structured serial
narratives, and is
startled by your
reading eyes. He
screeches
in
challenge, "\\'ho
gave you the
permission to read
of me?", his tensed
fists raised to the
sky.
Then
reconsidering, he
continues in a
somewhat calmer
manner, "Oh. I
guess I did. What
do you think?"
A s
the
structures break
down, you reply
~.");;?'.~.~~:i~ .·.; : ::.
�A
W
.
to Beirut tor £105 return
Sometimes my
erful holiday flight
, e*>
roommates and I talk
Ond
. 1 Excurs ion ar
<BOAC 23-d a y rou,,s
HH
Q)
, ..ci ~
iJ
Q)
0
H
tJl
~
rd
~
0
I
s a w
a
commercial today. It
said that if you buy their
product your suffering
will end. I took a class
last year. The class was
called Human Suffering
and for 14 weeks we
talked about what
suffering is to different
people in different times.
The commercial I saw
claimed to relieve none of
the situations of suffering
which we discussed in
class. It claimed to end
dandruff.
Suffering.
From dandruff. Hmm. I
understand that words
change and are used
differently as language
changes, but we should
reserve words like
"suffering" for people
who have suffered. I am
no judge of who has and
has not suffered, but I'd
like to try. Retired major
league baseball players
with dry flakey scalps
have not suffered. Jews
in Germany
and
elsewhere under Hitler
did. There. That's not so
hard.
•
about stuff. A while ago
we . ~alke~ about
relativity. It s popular
these . da~s.
. If
everything ts relative,
then maybe people who
have dandruff really are
suffering.
Dandruff
victims. And maybe the
Holocaust was just
uncomfortable to the
millions who died. My
roommates will tell me
that . I. ha~e _not done
relahvtty JUShce. And
my roommates are often
right. But my bitch isn't
Lucky him, he
was bald. Imagine how
different his canvases
would have looked if he
suffered from dandruff.
that relativity should be
canned.
I just worry
about those people who
sell their soul to it.
Cubism, as I
understand it, wasn't all
that popular when it
first hit the galleries.
But some artists did like
it and made great strides
and strokes in the cubist
thing. Picasso knew that
cubism could have been
taken too far. He turned
back.
Top Ten Ethno-conscious Color
Combinations For Flight Attendants
Fashion
in the 90's
brought to you by J, Crew
10. Oatmeal Heather Deep V-neck lambswool sweater over
n eo -classic Chamois unitard
9. Bark bodysuit, accented by Yam corduroy skirt
8. re tro-traditional Teale fine jersey tee with wide-leg
re tro Taupe jeans
7 . p laid sweater dress, Pine & Ecru, with monk strap
s hoes
6. Port camel hair oversized coat & Thistle thermal
pants
5. Saffron & Tobacco
4. Cactus lounge wear with Canvas wool socks
3 . ;rwilight twill schoolJee.v jacket ove r broken-in Chili
Jeans
~~
2 . brushed chinos, Sky, with Stone cotton rollneck
sweater
1 . Black & I or White birthday suit
*a ll fabrics synthetic, regardless of name
*all fashions uni-gender, of course
* all fashions respectful of every season
*sin cerest apology to all colors and designs not on the l ist
by Ross GohlkQ
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 17, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 11
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newpaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 17, 1993. The second to last issue in the collection, a thinning in the quantity of articles continues from the previous few issues. The headline reads "Special 'ingrate by heritage' Issue!!" Charles Schafer composes a dialogue between faith and reason on the front page, and Chris Brown follows with a piece on ratios. Martin Fox continues his "Memoirs of a Memoir-Thief" and Dipak Ghosh gives the second act of his "Ramblin' Leaf". Pat Garrett gives a rare written contribution, and Ross Gohlke takes Brian Dixon's place in giving a top ten list.
Creator
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Charles Schafer, Chris Brown, Martin Fox, Dipak Ghosh, Ross Gohlke, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, John Wayne, Ruthie Stephenson, Brian Dixon, Clay Combs
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5fcc7fa7f0b745a8b0e51ccfc05a6af4.pdf
64bb6bcb2f08983f19198cef83e84742
PDF Text
Text
Volume II Issue 13
January 28, 1994
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same 11 years later (thanks to cun-ent
dubbing technology), but their
performance wasn't as innocent as I
The Village People concert expected. "Macho Man" and "Trash
was held at Six-One-Six on Sunday
Disco" were accompanied by pelvic
night, and I'm not lying when I say
thrusts, tongue-gestures, and muscle
that it changed my life. We were
flexing. Tne 10 year-old me would
literally packed into the club, body to have been shocked. The 21 year-old
body, and by 8:30 I was close,
me loved it. It seemed to bring my
intima,te friends with the people
whole life into perspective . As a
around me. By 9:30 we were all
child of the 70's, I never dreamed that
getting impatient for the show of a
the disco beat woukl survive the next
lifetime. The Six Million Dollar
two decades. The Village People, as I
Band opened for the Village People.
now realize, are beacons of light:
blasting the audience with a powerful they represent the timele~sness of
disco beat that was reminiscent of
music, art, and dance. Most of all .
both Rick James and the Red Hot
they assure us that even in the
By I 1:00 we were
Chili Peppers.
1990's, it's still cool to be a macho
primed and ready for the Village
man.
People.
When they marched out on
stage, I was so excited I thought I
would throw up. They were all there:
Cowboy Man, Construction-Worker
Man, Indian Man, Motorcycle Man,
Police Man, and Army man were
decked-out in the finest Village
People garb they could dig out of
their closets. I was about ten feet
from the stage--just close enough to
see the sweat glistening on their 40
year-old muscles.
Don't get me wrong--most
of these guys have aged well,
although I must say they have gotten
a little stranger over time. As a 10
year-old roller skating rink devotee, r
imagined that behind the voices of
• Kiiis fleas
JOO" Faster
"Macho Man," "YMCA." and "In the
Navy" v1ere wholesome young men
•Nonerevlve
to relnfest
whc, enjoyed singing about how much
a /Kiiis fleas.
fun it ·.vas to be representative
lice, do~
members of the male sex.
tlclrs.
The Village People: A Review
by Julie "MACHO" MeiMAN
sticlr-t!aes
"-l1
t..J
'
'
#
e
•
A Musing
by charles schafer
I currently am "1ot
trying to maximize the Good.
If I were, I would
l~~l'HIMfillJiJ!lii
calculatedly compose the rest ~••ili
of this column such that it
would initially capture your
interest and then, abruptly,
try to convince you of doing
the most morally productive
action I could imagine. Be
assured, though, that my
intentions are nothing but a
morass of ungrounded and
unmulled grains of ideas.
I'd like simply to talk
about our essence here, the
meat of our human nature, in
200 words or less. I think
that curiosity is really where
it's at. Where our
fundamental nature is at,
that is. And before you look
askance at this poor inquiry,
theological truths we divine
think with me for a moment.
through rational endeavor
What is the common element
may be suspect as
among all delvings into the
manufactures, if you take my
nature of humanity? The
meaning. The only way to
astute reader will already
escape such artificial holiness
have seen that the common
is ultimately to de-sieve
element is of course that
ourselves back into wholes.
they all demonstrate
curiosity. Get it? See what I Only then can pure
humanistic truth be born.
mean?
This essential
curiosity is closely tied with
the divine side of our nature.
It is only after riddling
ourselves with deep boring
questions, you see, that we
find we ar e h oly. So the
"
�An Early Morning Excursion
by Brian Dixon
Sun comes up, it's
One
Tuesday morning.
problem. The sun is not
actually up. It is four in the
morning.
The sun is up
somewhere, but not here.
Shannon, my girlfriend, has
just risen. Today is the day.
Though her surgery is
scheduled for the early
afternoon, the doctor insists
that she arrive at the hospital at
the crack of dawn.
I should back up. The
story does not begin here. Two
or three days before Christmas
I got a message in an
uncharacteristically
solemn
voice from Shannon, who was
visiting her parents in Atlanta.
If you know Shannon, you
probably do not know this
voice. I, however, know it, and
that it usually_ means something
bad has happened.
When I spoke to her
later
that
evening
she
confirmed my susp1c1ons:
"Well guess what? I saw the
doctor today. They gave me an
ultrasound. I have gallstones.
I need to have my gall bladder
removed."
I
reacted
oddly.
"Ultrasound" left me in
momentary shock, anticipating
the unexpected. "Gallstones"
brought me small relief, but not
really. We now understood the
inexplicable back pain that
had
been
Shannon
experiencing for nearly two
years. After she explained how
technology had eliminated the
use of scalpels, and that the
surgery was outpatient, I felt
some real, satisfactory relief.
The new methods involve lasers
and the such.
It is still
considered major surgery,
though, and Shannon is
understandably worried.
She is not allowed to
eat on the morning of the
surgery. Others might have
had a glorious meal the night
before, living it up before the
sacrifices of the next day.
Shannon, however, is on a
restricted diet.
If she has
another gall bladder attack
before the surgery, they will
have to use the scalpel.
Apparently, the laser cannot be
used if the gall bladder is
severely infected.
The old
methods mean a week in the
hospital, a month to recover,
and a ten-inch scar to
remember.
Somehow, I am not
worried. Shannon is, and this
bothers me. Her doctor has
performed this surgery two
thousand
times
without
complication.
I know the
surgery will go as planned. As
she waits for the surgery to
begin, I give my words of
encouragement, but what can
they do? She reminds me,
correctly, that she is the one
having her gall bladder
removed.
It hurts to see the
nurse roll her away. I know
she is frightened, and for the
first time since the ordeal
began, alone, trying to deal
with her fears without the
safety of me or her family. I
know she will be ok. Despite
her small size, she is a huge
person, and capable of coping
; alone. I still wish I was there,
though. I know that in her
"" IUINID Ml UP
wl1f"11
lif' t-1ui1I. 'Sun•! Nt•w York girls
1·a11 •lam·1•-aml 1111111! •m 1-11111\\tty JOlrn11M-1U11I Awim
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thry mo/.·? Sh11" uu• ju~I onl" ""110 nm l111ke a rrnlly
goott t·liot·olalf" 1·ak,.!' So . ..
much smaller shoes, besides
being uncomfortable, I would
be extremely worried, and want
a familiar face nearby.
I did not worry about
her until her father began
explaining the small print.
Apparently, if left unchecked,
her faulty gall bladder could
have put her in a life
threatening situation, one
similar to that of an exploding
appendix. It would !1appen
quickly and unexpectedly. This
is too much to even think
about.
As it turns out, I have
no reason to worry. As I
contemplate the worst case
scenario, Shannon is already in
the recovery room.
The
surgery is a success, and
involves no complications. One
more for the doc. Though she
is woozy and struggles to say
she feels like shit, I feel a sense
of relief.
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I'm Just Visiting
Bl" St<!.lft..
l<G\.4'"es
If you come to New York
sometime and feel like coming
down to the West Village. you
should go to Sheridan Square,
where Seventh Ave South,
Christopher Street, and W4th
St intersect. There, high up in
the air and over the Village
Cigar store, you can find an
advertised representation of
today's man.
Highest up, there is a large
picture of a rugged cowboy,
known to all the world as the
Marlboro Man. Below that,
overlapping the Surgeon
General's warning, is a huge
picture of two men, sitting on
rocks with their arms around
each other. Behind them is a
clear blue sea and a cruise ship
right out of the Love Boat. fn
bold, red letters - RSVP
CRUISES "The best value in
Gay Cruises." The guys are all
smiley and happy- they must be
having a good time and got a
dam good deal on it, too.
What's the me;ming of the
billboards? Does the hetero
representation take precedence
because its on top of the gay
cruise billboard?
Does
everyone driving down 7th
Ave, toward New Jersey,
question
their
sexual
orientation and dream about
lazy days of shuffleboard and
dancing the night away? Is this
whilt this column is about? No
- I'm just wondering what
constitutes a good value on a
Gay cruise.
I mean, is there a difference
between a good value on a gay
cruise and a good value on a
non-gay cruise? You probilbly
get the same accommodations
and the same food. I guess the
difference might be in the
entertainment or the activities.
But, then again, maybe not. I
really haven't called them to
nsk what the difference is.
Maybe I should.
When I look out of my fifth
floor window, I see the back of
these two billboards. They're
not pretty but they do serve the
purpose of blocking some of the
tremendous amounts of noise
that h·avels up from the street. I
doubt either billboard does a
better job of blocking the sound
than does the other. They look
the same from my window.
Unlike a number offeople
I know and don't know, don't
mind livi ng in the West
Village, in the center of Gay
N_ew York. Sure, a fat ugly guy
tned to make a pass at me on the
street one night but that's only
happened once. Boy, I sure
know why women hate that
kind of thing. And, sure, I'm
sure people assume most men
are gay that live in that area
but, you know, its New York
and the sheer numbers lend
themselves to an anonymity that
cannot be had in most parts of
the world. I don't mind Jiving
there at all.
Since I've been back from
New York, during the holidays,
everyone ~as ~aturally asked
me how I hke 1t. It's kind of a
funny question if you think
about it. Anyone who knows
me is not surprised when I
answer - It's OK, I don't mind
living there at all. It's not as
bad as everyone thinks. And
it's not. You can have Jots of
fun or you can let it get to you.
Or you can be like me and just
l~ve there - you cope. You JUSt
live.
Getting back on the subject
of the billboards, one co uld
view them as a representation
o~ today's man. You could also
view them as two billbm1rds
that block the sound of sirens
fr.om waking me up at night.
Either way, I don't mind living
there at all.
~nergy
..
Mrs Robert Fennimore.
too, says
·
I r h
"When I get to feeling tired, ' . I~ . t
el_ get a wonderful ltft 10
up a C am
ildalmost no cime. Camels are so m
they just suit a woman's taste."
"HOUSEWORK takes plenty of
The adventures of James L. Clark
-scientist, naturalist, explorer, and
vice-director of one of America's
largest museums
. ls James Clark led his
f rare an1ma ' over the icy passes
·
N SEARCH o
I d'
. .
from n ta,
exped1uon up
the desert wastes
nd across
.
of the Himalayas, ~
f over 3,000 mt 1es
.
1ourney o
d h'
of inner Ch ma - a
.
. redible bar s tp,
h
er thirst, me
h d
beset with u~g '
:Mr. Clark says: "I've a
and hostile nauves. As .
my share of nerve-tensing danger and tough
going - times when Camels come in ha~~Y· I
wouldn't be without Camels on my exped1ttons.
.
·
It's amazing how qutckl Y my vim comes back
.
I smo ke a Camel after an exhausting trek.
w h en
,,
I
And Camels never upset my nerves.
The Rat's Ass, in an
attempt to widen its
reading audience and to
fill up more space, will
now featu re a weekly
glance at the opinions
expressed by other local
newspapers. This week's
section comes from the
January edition of the
well-known Memphis
Collegiate,
which
somehow lost its way
from CBU and ended up
on my lunch table. The
news story's strong
stance against the civil
rights movement should
make us all think about
our ideas concerning
societal change, grassroots movements, and
apple pie ....
Freshman Bob Shumate of Napa, Calif., stares like ;tout
'n
Corl es 1 "-·ild surmise" over Cal's sea of unknown aces.
•
o- o-o-o -o-o·o-o·o-0-0-0-o-o
6
\
0
D
by R. C. Babaoglu
I
0
Recently, on the campus of Chris-
I
tian Brothers University, a burglar
0
was pursued by maintenance men until
he pulled out a pistol, opened fire, and
jumped the bordering fence to make his
getaway.
Violence on the serene campuses
of America has become more an more a
commonplace ever since the 1960s. The
ci vii rights movement and Vietnam-era
•
pecially significant for
us crime, beprotests are es
the phen~men?niJ~~~ht, for the first
cause ~e1r arnv . tentional lawbreaktime, widespread inthe nation's college
ing and violence to
campuses.
Staff Box
I
b
I
0
C>
0
I
0
I
0
I
()
I
0
I
Rain Man
Ice Man
IceT
lcedT
Nicety
Creature Comfort
Southern Comfort
Hail Yes
Sleet Jesus
Cumulo Nimrod
Mike Augspurger
Pat Garrett
Julie Meiman
Chris Brown
Ross Gohlke
Brian Dixon
Clay Combs
Dipak Ghosh
Jeff Gadomski
Chuck Schafer
The Rat' s Ass is put together every
once in a while by a crack staff of
Rhodes students, alumni and other
people vaguely connected to this
campus, and distributed in the same
loca tion as actual campus
publications, the Rat. If you take
offense at any of the material, the
names above are simply the butt of
a complex joke, and these people
didn't write anything in these pages
(Wait, you say, then why ... ?).
()
·.
G~T A t\f1 WITH/ A CAMEL
.,
.
<
�F~~m~nrtUe
The Male Perspective
by Clay Combs
The Real Difference Between
Men and Women
n•. • ' .
1
.I
A
[With rabid enthusiasm, I
present here the inaugural
installment of a new column
The Male Perspective. Th~
column itself has no raison
d'etre, other than to celebrate
Male culture, to report on
. ' things that interest Males, and
· in all things, to reduce to
nothing, through stereotyping,
the thoughts and feelings of
one of the largest groups of
testosterone-bearing peoples in
the world, Males.
It should be noted right off
that there exist within the
group of Males many
subgroups classified, by and
large, according to tongue
behavior. The dominant male
,,_~ gene for tongue behavior,
· • .:fi:'~ carried on the y sei
' ·
.
•
"What do you mean
'What's the difference'? Yo~
have to have a clean
bathroom," she said. "What
would people think?" She shot
me a glance of utter horror and
gave a little shudder at the
thought of the Untidy
Bathroo~ ,
ending the
conversation.
It later occurred to me we
had unwittingly uncovered the
Real Difference Between Men
and Women. In short, nien
don't care about their
bathrooms. We, don't spend
time in them. We don't fix
them up. We don't clean them.
Bathrooms 1epresent to
men only the quickest possible
satisfaction of bodily urges and
social requisites that, truth be
told, only slow us down and
contribute nothing to our lives.
The men are legion who, even
as they lat.'1er their hair for the
obligatory weekly shampoo,
resent every dig of the fingers
into the scalp, and with good
t .Ka~a Alpha ThelUean Guittard, freshman plf'<lge (left)
•.
formal dancing with J ean Sayre, upperclassU: " hromosome, results in the
c
One of the effects of Greeks .
banging of the tongue over the
·com..--.-emorethanhalfofthestuen·d rweotlnft
lower lip at all times. ~on~~e
_nt body is that they tend to appeat l
e
behavior in a small mmorhy,
~ugh they set the social structure
however, is governed by a less
bein ~t the si:°1ple reason that, I
common gene that results in
thC: Is ape~~ 0~tions, i
the constant resting of the
tongue inside the cheek.]
the coolest lllOlt ~Greeks are
campus. . '
~u people on
My mother and I, as is our
wont, were talking about
bathrooms-their purpose,
decora1.ton and maintenance.
"You just have to clean your
bathroom constantly," she said.
"Oh," I said. "I'm not so
sure about that."
"What do you mean, 'I'm
not so sure about that'? You
have to clean bathrooms all the
time. At least once a week."
I reviewed mentally my
bathroom-cleaning record. It
came to twice a month,
reason: if the networks forget
to schedule pregame shows
before each game in a playoff
doubleheader, the men have to
sacrifice seeing the kickoff of
the second game for no better
reason than taking a shower.
(There is no chance of
showering before the first game
or after the second, for the
obvious reason of Beer.)
So while it may have been
obvious to some, it will surely
take others unawares that the
Real Difference Between Men
and Women traces to the W.C.
I only hope this essay ushers
in a new era of understanding
between two groups of people
heretofore so mutually
misunderstood.
XXX
eDJOY
:r
roughly . Okay· Once a
month. Maybe. "l don't
understand, mom," I said.
At the sw11th11rt derby stagecl by Sigma Chi~ ru h
"What's the real differencer'
llmf'll N'<! with wn
•
• s tt~ were
r nnmt . nn~hffi tfown n ~mnll rolln ro11~trr.
e
IT----.r___== !:J:__J_
Q :
Pc:-.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 28, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 13
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 28, 1994. It's the last issue in the collection, though the headline reads "Special Comeback Issue!!" The front page features pieces by Julie Meiman and Charles Schafer. Brian Dixon tells a story of gallbladder removal and Steve Karnes follows. Jeff Gadomski illustrates for us another iteration of "Fat Bug and Slug Boy", while one "R.C. Babaoglu" writes of events on the nearby Christian Brothers University campus. Clay Combs gives "The Male Perspective" on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Julie Meiman, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Steve Karnes, Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Pat Garrett, Chris Brown, Ross Gohlke, Dipak Ghosh
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cb14a1ff11961cfa01d9c872f1caf73b.pdf
fdd3a23687b21fce10f1cc44dce63f10
PDF Text
Text
t..\-'s
oo~~ J
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ch -tr + "'·"~
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e~ ~iz ~
r~l\'1~ .
I ;
,,,,., 1f ,
Rarm.r1 .n I us_._ ___
- - 1..1;
L ,f
_ < dipAk Gliosli >_
Ever riden an ass (one with four
legs, you oversexed ape!), a brasf,
basin on your pate, armed with a
bar~e--pole? Yup, I mean the whole
QuiXote trip, menacing windmills et
al. Believe me, it's very condusive to
revelations, every second drawing
you to the meaning of LIFE, even
GOD. I had such an experience not
too long ago. No, there was no real
donkey and saddle. The last I
remember, my leaving the pristine
bathroom on 2nd floor White, was a
freak accident. (Maybe it was only
a divine hand slappmg my skull.) As
I Shaved the fuzi off my face, I
treated m 1self to the horror of
another bloody nick. That fluid red
stuff made me weak. Falling, I held
on to my can of shaving cream.
Neither the spurting ~n gel nor
the metal can kept me from kissing
well-trod bathroom tile ... then,
emptiness.
Man, now I curse that dark period
in my life when I brushed asic e aii
those near-death experiences with
strokes of skepticism. I swear, I saw
a light too. It was red, brilliant red.
If tfiere is a God, He (or She???)
must be a communist, or at least a
socialist. In other words McCarthy
was a
deluded moron after all...Not to take
off on a derivative of my Ramblin'
Function (tangents), I fe1t an energy.
No, there was no great white beard,
haloed flowing robes, or a hand to
transport me m the "other side." It
was a nice tingling alka-se!tzer
'> ensation, as if bubbling fields of
-V-~
~~.~=~~!~'" \ .)
r'."" ,.· :\~
1.
' . .,,,,~,,,
·' .
t. \~-~~·. .
·!
,} . ~
. '
§~~~;;"7"'''.'"; j
golden throne in another dimension.
~r~ . ... :' ....... . ~ by Pat Garrett
,
Think aoc:z~ it: if He/She had hands
\,.
Snow. It's everywhere. Like God.
I
and feet, despite fr.e ia:-;,€:;'.;
") · .
It has t:1 power to make people slip and die, just like
e
;
,.,.,.damned haio, He/She couldn't be
"t. ' God. It is white and clean like God. You don't have to
l
""")
be a 01ristian to feel it. A Godish quality.
omnipresent, could He/She? In that
· r
0::. occasion it takes corporeal form.
.l
reasoning lies an extension for a
,~,
Divine incarnations. Snowmen.
•
liberating (yet, reasonable) "faith."
,,
Fact: More Catholic children eat snow ice cr.,a:n than
That is, "God" is (must be) an
/ '
Protestant children.
'.
omnipresent energy field, an energy
/·
. ·_"f'
People don't uncontrolably make snow demons, er
~
with unique characteristics: of
snow Devas or snow Athenas.
ll
· ·
" I'd"
People make Snow Angels.
~
co apsmg into so 1 matter
When some bruiser is tellin' you that there ain't no God
(E=mc2) and spontaneously
push him/her
incarnating messiahs when quirks
~
-.'
in the snow and say,
called humans go astray; with a
:'t.. .,- .- .' - -"Oh yeah? __
_"
timeless 'balance" that, while
" -~ ,,:-.." ·" ~ ';·.(,: . -: '
.. ,
ilib um, has
always regaining equ1 alri1
......,. ,. · ;
--.:.._ . _ ·_, 1 . ·
(' ·'
repurcuss1ons wnen oc y
- ·~.-- .. ,;
disturbed-l:mtterflies fanning
,,,,--------...:.:.:.....:__ ,......._
hurricanes. Meditate for an instant,
WHY WOULD HE J
instead of abusing yourself with
I NEVER SAW A
Rat-Mush ...I humbly offer you an
explanation for your "enigmatic"
ANOTH ER
WOMAN OF HER.
existence, and even Karma.
Of course, you certainly reap what
AGE SO YOUN&
you sow; some of us heathen are
AND FU l.L OF
condemned by our own free will to
exyeriment with alternate
PEP ~
onentations in this pervasive Fie'. d.
~
The repurcussion/s may hit you
now or later; if it just
happens to strike you after you're
dead, you wonder where in hell lies
your source of suffering in this life.
You may say you don't remember
past lives; in that case, why don't
you try using more than 15% of
your brain fOr a change?
In conclusion, I strongly
recommend French-vaililla, and
remember, Insanity is absolutely
relative. MAY THE FORCE BE
WITHYou.
Are You Growing "MIDDLE - AGED"
p s. Ti.c sting of antiseptic brought
me back to my ' sens!'~~ ."
__.- too fast? Why Many People
/
_
Grow Olcl Fast in Their Forties . • •
!
/ ' ;() '·~
...~'·: :::-·;·:
~-·.:o-
~
~
.
/
�a nyone craving the
material more tha n the
spiritual.
Of course, this move
cr eates some difficulties
of its own. If New Year's
is a family holiday, when
do we all get drunk and
JOHN SAYS ... HER HANDS
ARE SMOOTH... BUT
SMELLY
On Candles, Orgies,
and the Political
Decline of America
by Mike Augspurger
Christmas Eve. The
Candlelight Service.
Silent Night.
Long
Sermons on the real
meaning of Christmas.
Tight green and red ties.
Two-year olds crying in
the row in front of you.
Sitting in the service this
year, I began to wonder
once again what I was
doing there. Sure, I love
Christmas like the next
guy: but the real ~ean~ng
has more to do wi th
presents than with
Jesus. Even my parents
only go to church twice a
year (oh. the days wh en
we made jolly fun of
people like us). It all
seemed a little silly. So I
struck on a plan. Its
s)mplicity sparks of
genius: its completeness
answers all questions.
It is clear th at we
ca n't just give up on
Christmas: after all.
where would all the
presents go? The first
\an irwclves
part ot rny P
ents and
m oving thenpres 0 r that
s ome ,
rnaybe eve
ew Year's.
farnily stu.ff
is as floe
New Years
day to
an arbitrary ny other.
celebrate as
on\y fr ee
This would; candlelight
roe from th ·t ould \eave
.
but i w
service.to t h e Christians .
,,
Jesus
. haPPY· Heer-.
Everybody .s
could even
day of
t he Chris tians
h ·strnas a
make C n .
to drive off
fesuve f as t1ng.
6;;
:t
I pi~ ·lr1 I Ill fK'r~1·; • !I~· ,:or~rou~ -11-.•l..in~ 1·l1
ur11la1 e
rak e rrd1w- out of• ma~a 7.in;- And M"I 1•1 "orl.
I 1ho11~l11 r.1 A~k Hill lo S1m1la )' tol llfll"'-·• and
jrnu ho wl him o n~r "·ith my rale.
Ancient Rome at Ck's
- J ~..':'.J 5 +o v a\ 11
...in holding that there existed already
under the monarchy a group of
families known as the patricians
which succeeded in the early years cif
the Republic 1HERE WILL BE NO
DISCUSSION- Do you want to live
with your mother and I or not?! is
clear that there emerged with great
stay up all night? Now, rapidity a plebeian movement which
now. before everyone created an organization parallel to,
becomes hysterical , I and •llternative to *Clink.Clink*
assure you that I have (silverware) But you never listen to
thought this through. ~Dad! DO YOU WANT that the
With the presents being patrician state, in the course of what
opened seven days later, is known to scholars as the Y-yes sir
December 25 is left struggle of the orders.
completely open . How
Would you like some more coffee?
depressing, to spend
OKAY, here is the bottom line Yes,
such a previously festive please. The plebeian organization set
day, with nothing to do! out to break the patrician monopoly
Ah, but here is the of secular and sacred office in the
beauty of the plan: in Roman *Sniff*, Dad, I thought we
(
rememberance of our came here so thatpagan past (and I don· ~ .'
Coffee steams my glasses. I
want to limit this to just glimpse the huffypuffy patrician over
Westerners-- surely every his son's bony shoulder. In pursuit of
culture has a thunder- its first objective the movement was
bolt wielding sky god in I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! IF YOU WANf
their past). we can revive TO UVE UNDER MY ROOF, SHlJf UP
the holiday which begat AND LET'S GO. We shall see shortly
Christmas in the first how plebeian aspir!ltior:s were- Could
place: Saturnalia. What I get my check piease'/
than a Roman orgy
to ta ke the place of New
Year's Eve! -In my mind .
any Christian who can
fast all day while
watching the rest of the
nation indulge themselves in the material
certainly deserves some
sort of salvation. Ah.
Saturnalia!
Gorging
ourselves with appetizers,
we'll nurse our Christmas
Day headaches with
thousands of other
Americans, and watch
men run around a
stadium hurting each
other. Perhaps someday,
the rapidly increasing
madness among our
leaders will allow the very
President of the United
States. with the turn of
his thumb, to decide the
collegiate
national
football champion.
I cry, and hope you
cry with me: If America
must
tumble
into
decadence, let us fall not
like England, or Spain, or
some such short-lived
world power. but like
phuh ......
The damn alarm went off too
early this morning. I cussed
out my vintage 1982 Toshiba
clock that sounds like a prison
buzzer opening up the cell of
life for me to enter every day.
b e ~ te r
Rome itselfl
NOW LIFTI Lower your hands,
finger-tips under abdomm and
lift. Notice the graud feeling of
111thtuess aud uplift. That's the
right ki11d of s11.hport for muscles
t hat want lo sag . .. a11 d Ihat's
what Spire/la alo11e can give.
~···••11••~11T"1
~,._
~~
~
-o::=""'
r
.6
{
if
I staggered to the pot lo do
my daily business and read the
TIMES. I started a Hoya De
Monterrey Excalibur, took
four long eternal drags and
moved to the patio to reread a
letter I received yesterday. My
eyes combed through the
knotted words as I sipped on
my coffee and looked at the
scribble over and over again .
My fingers ached as I reached
for the black ink pen lying on
the table and I began to
respond. It wasn't a very long
response. Honestly, I
probably didn't say enough.
Moral ambi guity was the
main thrust of my response. It
wasn't about human nature, if
one defines human nature in a
literal way. But, if one defines
human nature by the actions
people commit, then it was
about the transcendental ego
we all participate in. People,
in general, are morally
ambi guous creatures wavering
between the n·ght and wrong
of their society. This
rn:.. ~~ ·.-"\
_. " ~ ·' '
the greatest characteristic of
humanity. It would be a
boring place if everyone did
right all the time or did wrong
all the time. Think of it, an
entire planet C'f humans doing
good or evil constantly, with
no oscillation between the
two. T here would be no Nazis
saving Jews or Christians
killing for the cause of the
/
=>
A light dusting,
not even enough
for a snowball,
and as morning
becomes noon the
sheet on my
father ' s back deck
melts in the spots
I place my naked
toe.
Sky becomes blue
'
birds begin with
their strange
language: fluid
metaphors like oil
on water,
idiom develops, is
used, aural punctua t ion evolves
is ignored, and'
tertiary meaning
is conveyed to
become a fourth
level.
If reader
dis .::usses poem
with another'
poem becomes
virus,
identical to
sunsets,
and lonely
funerals
and professional
Kingdom . There would just be
a constant state of repetition.
It would be like working on
an assembly line.
Perform function. Disengage.
Perform function. Disengage.
No differentiation to be
found. Constantly performing
good or performing evil would
become dull and mundane. But
to have the freedom to choose
one or the other, now that is
enticing. In this state of
fn~rri'1 FI and possibility,
confl icting emotions and
actions can come to life: Good
and Evil, Right and Wrong,
Love and Hate, Passion and
Apathy, Laughter and Tears,
Ecstasy and Pain,
Decisiveness and
In
.decis.iveness. Ambiguity
h
d any
gives nse t~ t ese an 1m ~ wrestling.
more. So raise your g ass an
b' 'ty and
have a toast to am 1gm
..... t\,~ 'SL \\
l\.UV
oscillation, the basic human
.._)
!l.
wavering . or oscillation .
behavior.
bctweennghtandwrong1s
-c.b : ,,,. >V"\,/"V
<;'A -~- A~ /'\/ v
SWIMMING UNDER WATElt for even 25
yards is a feat that would exhaust the
average person. Claude Newberry went
· ·2 ;1. ! r ,J: ,' H,. s i~1 5: " rd waik a mile
'
for a Camel'-that's how I prize the 'lift'
I get with a Camel after swimming."
j
~ L..:...::~rMiil:~lS~~~~i
�Peter end
Rre Ulslted
Salesman.
Wiiiy
by
a
by c. schafer.
- Willy: Hello, how are
you?
- Peter: I am good.
-Willy: Well, I just came
ouer for a chat.
- Peter: Oh, well, good.
-Willy: l nnti ced on the
way ouer that the
Scintillating Skin Care
uan is parked on your
block. Scintillating Skin
Care salesmen
in
uariegated uniforms
appeared to be rushing
door to door, balms
akimbo, peddling their
skin care wares. They
were headed this way.
- Peter: In uiew of the
impending · uending I
think I should turn off
the doorbell. [doorbell
rings]
-Willy: l oo late.
- Peter: We 'll haue to
answer ;t.
-Willy: There's no doubt
about that.
They
probably saw me come
in.
They knoUJ wa're
here, <rnd those pitiless
bastards haue con nections in D!sease
Dissemination.
- Peter: I'll get it. [Peter
opens the door]
- Salesman:
Good
afternoon.
I'm from
Scintillating Skin Care.
May I come in and tell
you about some of our
new products?
- Peter: Come on inside
and haue a seat, sir.
We'd loue to hear about
your products. [all takl!
th2lr seats]
- Salesman: This
b rand
Freckeliminator lotion.
I t s purpose is_to
- Willy: Its purpose is
euident already, sir.
- Sal esman: Ah, but you
are wrong. Our newest
<t~ uertising
scheme
G'. es the application
fa!. ~- t misnomers to
om roducts. The
/·
, _ ,_
1ac uc 1s irony, you see,
for what could be more
ironic than a line of skin
care
products
the
surface meanings of
whose
names
are
completely deceptiue?
-Willy: Few things could
be.
-Peter: What is the
actual property of the
Freckeliminator lotion?
-Saie~ •n an:
It
transmutes the tre'ated
portion
ot
human
epidermis
into
a
remarkable facsimile of
goat epidermis.
- Peter: How in God's
name could such a
product be marketable?
- Salesman: People might
surprise you.
I know
they surprised me. Of
. course, that was a long
time ago and I'm used to
them now. Euen still,
though, when I am on
occasion
taken
at
unawares, I feel traces
of what could be termed
" surprise. •
-Willy: When was the last
time a person surprised
you, I mean genuinely
surprised you?
- Salesman: · Only last
week I was talking to a
potential client - and
getting nowhere, I might
add - wt-Pen he starts
spinning
off
this
ludicrous theory about
how to win.
-Peter: Win what?
-Salesman: Well, that's
part of It, you see, he
had this notion that life
Is a sort of competition
the purpose of which Is
to connect the physical
aspects of language with
the objects or ideas
they represent.
-Willy: That doesn't make
any sense.
- Salesman: No, not really.
I didn't eHplain It uery
well either, though. I'll
glue you an eHample. For
instance, he thought It
was deuilishly cleuer to
use big words that mean
big
things,
like
"elephantine.• .
He
fawned for fiue minutes
ouer the •t • in "spit"
that causes those with
certain speech problems
to eHpectorate slightly.
If the spellin g of the
word
• circle·
were
chang2:! to • 000000" he
might instantly die in a
spasm of eHcessiue
pleasure. You see what
I 'm getting at.
- Peter: I do, and I see
why you were surprised.
- Willy: Well, I must be
going.
I 'II take the
"Tried- and- True- HealthyHue- 1mbuer· lotion. How
much ~; it?
- Salesman: Free.
It's
eHperimental.
(213 eHe1Jr.H
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 18, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1994
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 18, 1994. On the front page of this issue Dipak Ghosh talks about God and the darkness of death. Mike Augspurger declares the Political Decline of America. Jay Stovall mentions how the families of Ancient Rome may have lived, all the while Bob Shumate talks about the "Praise of Ambiguity." On the last page Charles Schafer tells the story about a Visit by a Salesman.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Dipak Ghosh, Nike Augspurger, Jay Stovall, Bob Shumate, Charles Shafer
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/c38057034560aa559ba55b3a3abf9b2c.pdf
a31ef69c76f0f69ceef28992a8e30e29
PDF Text
Text
Book explains : Art princiC
pies; artists ,. earnings; age '
nn
t.
•
•
aei ive service underwear
~:-ta ~
Dear Faith and Reason, <cHUC:..K?
I am trying to have a
closer walk with my Lord and
Savior Jesus Christ. After a great
struggle with the substitute gods
of sexual license and cable
television, I have finally decided
th~t H~ is the. most important
tl11ng m my life. My question is,
how du I "get right with God"
and how do I know that I really am
having_a closer walk?
Smcerely,
Avery Minette Swanborne
Faith: It 's the easiest thing in the
'.vurld, A?enJ. All you have to do
~i s put aside material things, open
..,, yuur h~art to Je;us, and repent of
1$,l 1 sms. That s the magic
!011r
f l 'Jrnwla!
nds
- ' ~as on : _Sou_ like that might
-rk. Give it a try, Avery. Some
·ds of advice, though: when I
'.lside material thmgs I
,,ny forget where tliey are.
may need to make a list of
/ ".. · · you stash them, because
<
/hose things may come in
.
Ni:itch out with the open
,fi '>
;mess, especially if
..c-:
'·IF·
~·
5e stuff 1s the easy, risk-
_J· you'[[ want to trY. that
!
·· .Are, because it can t hurt.
·\· ·'
. Jse your eyes, imagine God
. a_zng, and say, "I repent of all
f szns. I know I'm not worth
forgiving, but please forgive me
any~vay. " DO NOT forget to
~enu_nd God how illogical it is to
; urg1ve you. It makes Him feel so
casual, cutting corners like that
A 11d
r nqlfl /
rn11n l< N nT A /\Tr.
RI
Y
n h .~ t ~ f'l P
vn ut h
$300
FOR
SINGLE
ILLUSTRATION
no
•f
:'My wor~ ha s bee n pu blis he d :
m. mag~z me s; least I 've re- ·
ce 1ved is $ 40, mos t i s .$300.
Yo ur g re at c ourse g ave m e
t h e 'know- h ow'." Flo yd M.
Green, Sea ttle .. Washin gt on .
�UM01;)UJOH
Senior Photographs
A cup of sand
a handful of zebras
and all the used car lots
Merlin could care to sumnon:
1ou!w/ 1ofew
;nu~N S,lO!U~S
i.-pak qko-s-k>
1lcx.;y OF Wam.•11s
Those of us
I.At' Pf\Yflt
· ul rnnare
fortunate enough to have
What a strange place to leave a town,
read last year's yearbook
ecrmc;--a
suppose.:1 to be.
have much to remember,
> an appe11ze11."
<,;;iovAi.;...
tears of joy (for overall
r;_~,
Quality) mixed with the
TWIT) . "I'LL see
horror of pagan senior
~'.
HTl!ll JS
portraits. Reason enough
r
.,
'Cf. IF r/Je
for m ch concern. After
- -------- - r- ...... . v, .....
LL-seasoneo
al , lightning may miss
WIT1J a Libe11al ains oec;11ee, SICIJOJe11eo
eretics occasionally, but
occaswnaLLy 111 rnsrennal loa1111nc;, (Hell 1s
the Federal Board of
01/Je11 people, ape11 aLL--pm.mc:ila11ly 111 a
km/Jen) ano laOJbasreo now ano ac;a111 &y rhe
Senior Portrait Censors
c;ene11al aJanac;rn. Fo11 rhe heeo111c; OF rnuly
never fails to strike terror
eXQUJSITI! waire11s, 1Je amsr &e a rrnesoaJe
in our hearts (forgive the
man, c;1ven 10 111sprne Ins eOJployees w1Th
~M
cliche).
"f
upl1p1nc; p11oaJ1ses OF soa1eoay 01a11ac;111c; rhern
~,
The FBSPC has
Q!f.!l ResrauRanr.
~
•
:
Warc/J 1nai 111 acrwn.
systematically annulled
,,r ~ ' 1
Nore r/Je c;emle a11c OF r/Je kerclmp
the accreditation of
mater. Take the time to Z
,
• · . \.
. _ bonle 11111es11bly Fl1ppeo eno ove11 eno.
colleges , and even
acquaint yourselves with Iii.I
"J ' .. : ~ ~. -:..' Deply cauc;1n, IT oesrn1bes rhe cycle OF
bulldozed some into the
the norms set by the
~
r:~ Jl};t~· ORc;a111c OJaTTeR, rhe celeha11011 OF l1Fe TO
bowels of Mother
FBSPC (1-800-555-1212). I
.':,~
:.: i·
oea11J TO liFe, wn1J JUST a Touch OF r/Je
Earth-there's also talk of
..
0Jelanc/Jol1c Rea1111oe11 rhar you, r/Je cus1001e11,
suppose you may also
aRe 1101 exea1p1 FROOJ rhe wheel.
a Gothic-architecture
contact the Lynx staff at
ObseRve 1JOw, w111J a nearly
fetish. Why? Well, there
x3971.. ..
Qua11reReO &au rowel, he 01spa1c/Jes an e1111an1
are a few common
Brother and sisters,
Fly 10 ITS nexr 111caR1ia11011. A subrle
infractions that come to
UNITE. Strive to smite
Reannoe11 rhar r1Je FOUR 1JUOJOURS, each 111
mind: submissions were
pRopo1111on 10 r/Je or1JeR assuRes balanceo,
the heathen that dare
not photographs, seniors'
noRmal behavw1m-obl1V1011 111 r1Je me0Jo11y OF
rape the fabric of decency
r1Je wo11lo. (Yau see? Hmm. Yes . Yes!)
faces were not visible,
at Rhodes. And let no
Eve11y move, eveRy wo110 alluoes.
some pictures had more
more senior portraits
You will be seRveo, bur 1101 o&seQuwusly.
than three people in
shake these foundations
You will nor Fail ro Recoc;111ze rhe bal.nnce OF
them! In case you think
of Truth, Loyalty and
pawrn. Thouc;1J you may ReQuesr 10 see rhe
these rules are ludicrous,
Service.
a1a11ac;eR ar youR le1suRe; youR manne111sms
you're obviously an
(oR even wo11se, you11 0111neR) may ar any
a1oaJe111 became r1Je c;eneRal aamse01e111 OF
Folks, I've enjoyed
anarchist, or a blithe soul
r/Je km1Je11 STaFF· Tins IS rhe y111 a110 yanc;
all too blissful to be
this exercise in verbosity
OF r/Je wa1Te11/ cusromeR lneRaRc11y, so 111pe
and I'll put an and end to
bothered by the laws of
FOR oeconsrnurnon 11 shoulo pRobably c;o
the land.
your misery. In a
w1pluckeo.
S1c;nal111c; a c;ooo wai1e11 10 arn.•no
My fellow
nutshell, I think the new
one's neeos, 1s rbrn an assumprwn. Eac/J will
Rhodents, in these
rules for senior portraits
1m01ouR r/Je ar1JeR ro play Roles alReaoy lone;
uncertain times let's not
stink like a load of horse
esrabl1s/Jeo. Make 110 ansrake, 1JoweveR .
be unmindful of the
dung. Period.
security of our alma .
,,
(,r-,_>
~
.,
/-/
_/_c
~.// /
~P.'I
-
--
Tak111c; pan 111 an assu01pnon 1s one OF r1Je
no/;lesr enoeavoRS available TO us. To
assume, FOR example, rbar l1Ff 1s woRTIJ
l1V1nc; 111 r1Je pos1-salva11on eRa, 011 rbar
IVOROS mean T1Je same TO &orb speake11 ano
/JeaRe11 1 011 even rhar one's COFp~e 1Jas nor
been &ooc;eReO as well as suc;a11eo, 1s rhe
oepnmve acr OF 1mman1Ty 111 a WORlO
conclusively pRoven TO /;e FRU OF absol1ms.
In TIJ001as Ha11111s 's, 110101, sem111al
novel The Silence or r1Je La01&s. FBI Drnecro11
jack CRaWFORO Reai111os Special Ac;e111 Cl.n111ce
SraRl111c; r1JaT "Re01e01beR, SraRl111c;1 when you
assuOJe, you 01ake an tlSS OF /{ ano OJe."
S1ai1la11ly, 1v1Je11 one Reaos e01Fy111c;
p1M1canons1 one assu01es rhar rhey will nor
/Jal'e SelF· anO co11su01e11-0e111c;11a1111c; nrles .
Men afflicted with Bladd .
Trouble, Getting Up Nigh
P ains in Back, Hip s, Le'
Nervousness, Di z z in e_
s
Physical In a bility a nd Ge _
era! Impotency send fo~ o ~
amazing ~REE BOOK thl
tells how you may corre ct th es e con
ti ~ms and have new health and ZesC
Life .. Write today: No Obligation.
·,
Excelsior Institute, Dept. B-5, Excelsior Sprincs, ..
IN 11 LANDS ••• THC #UT IH THE HOCISE
..!
1 J1?'/lr
l'tlt:a~z
,,r,/~t/
6Yrlli:'SO!D
• O <PrOO'
-
. I MP ORT ED
WHIS KY
MADE
BY
HIRAM
WALKER
TTL( fRO M CANADA BY H AM WALKER IMPORTERS IMC , DETROIT , MICH . BLENDED CANADIAN
IR
NOW
COMMERCIAL
ART
PARTNER
" \V as ar t is t for engravi n g
firm: n ow I' m i n a commcrc inl art partnership; I
t e n ch a rt in my spare t ime.
You r co ur se wor t h mo r e to
m,.. py r·rv ,. ,....,,.. ·• 'Th ,...,.,.....,c. n
WHIS .~ Y
Nothing new about this, when you ;onsider that even
in 1905, when Albe,t Einstein stane:l. the neutrons
flying with his greaiequation, Lukens had been
m akin q steel :nJi>tP for 80 years!
�refrain. I l o v e you
girl. Won't you be my
as
baby.
lots
I saw Pophead
' In some ways she i s
But this n ew stuff
~ to surmion:
tonight on a whim
perfect pop i con.
thriv es on
down at Barrister's.•
h as a .reputati o n
marginality. Sugar
,a ce to leave a town,
I didn ' t know they
r preferring the
makes it an art.
supposed to be.
;rP.' I
were playing. The
ixing room to the
Forget the a udi e nce .
experience was just
stage, I read in
Yo u're not writing
so unexpectedly ric
Spin. She burns 'em
for mass con s umpti o n
up, tho ugh in a club
even though the musi c
I know and respect
the drummer and
in New York. She
is made for it.
player from othe ~
probably wouldn't
Somewhere a l o ng the
bands. I was i
want the crown.
line ~appen s the
cool place t
isten
Pophead wants it.
._. equivalent of "art
,u.
_ _.__,, _ --...,._
to 1 i ve m
c. Tt r.. ,.J...
They' v e got it'. too .
~ for art 's s ake. "
pJ4~
rt'
sing th
allad
rv-'.ta t '
~ •
You, re doing the
~/ · ·11~ ma in fox-corduroy
ck Hero . Pop]]
B
STYLE. The STYLE, the
clay combs-polyester
about a friend
~. ex~ernals b~,c ome the ~ C, schafer-alpaca
who had a motorcycle
P11.rk~''.'_·/ ~e
BOlJ.g?
~~ · ~ dipak gHosh-mohair
wreck once because he
a.lJd L · •
"'~I~ rOSs gohlke-spandex
Pop head is not. . .1. Z
P'}] .
r>f d ylan dryeRw/LJITE LINEN
was trying to mix a
over-the-counter zit.
Q.]_ ,._
·w•'
martini while riding.
""
-1..
J. ay S t ova II -card"
~
medi c ine . Or targeted \
eco ,._d
1gan
Back to Kerouac.
H
_~
-1..
The band rocked.
~ at pimply preteens - ~--- <l.J
pop as in pop music
focus. Yo u move aw~~
The king of pop with
~
which stands for
from t he hand that
an ornate tarnished
r::t::
popular music . But
bought the STYLE, or
crown. They covered
the h a n d moves away
pop music has
Fuck and Run by Liz
fr om y o u .
migrated away from
Phair, my favorite
And you still sit
hit radio to
song on Exile in
in your room late at
scattered outposts of
Guyville , so they
night looking for the
creative artists and
automatically get a
perfe c t pop song with
rl
independent labels.
thumbs up in this
N
your three chords on
Exile in Guyville is
book. Pavement write
your r ed guitar. The
H
on Matador. Never
a good pop song too,
<l.J
audien ce wants your
heard of it. Pop: so
but Liz Phair does
attenti o n. A true
much ironic integrity
not pity her poor
<l.J
pophead knows better
- short and sweet and
.j..J
postmodern self. She
than t o lose sight of
simple.
Pi
loves to be on top,
<l.J
the aud i e nce, that's
Instrumentally basic
Cf)
to "get all wet
what this rock'n'r o ll
guitar bass drums.
between [her] legs"
'd ~ Pophead is a trio,
thing i s a ll abo ut.
,r·.._'"\
but then there's the
But l oya lties run
<l.J 0 another automatic
-:~_~.. ~~~~
vulnerable side - she ~
deeper than mer e
takes your word for
A LIVE MUSIC REVIE
it that she's not
~ )PENING SE~ OP WHI~HBASED ON A 40-MINUTE
worth talking to when <l.J ' thumbs up r
.
. I MI SSED 10 MINUTES.
~' ' b
·
ronic
you're out on the
w
ecause th k '
.
po
.
e
ind of lcrowd-pleasing. Love
road in the middle of Cf)
P music p h
.
.
. . .,
.,, ·-.. - . , plays used ~~ ead
that tension·
Celebrate the
/- ~,-~;/~~Q i:,t- 1 .~c . .
be the
~~ miserable paradox.
- "·
,,:f;; ~ . .
LI Z PHAIR - FRCM EXILE IN G
UYVI LLE
~
Fun and play become
I t a ke a~vantage o f every gu~ I m
eet. I get away with what the gir ls cci ll
serious business.
what the gir ls cal l what the g i r l s ca ll t he gi rl s ca ll m
urder (Girls ! Gi r l s !
Excellent
Girl s ! ) (not grrr l s ! ! grr r ls ! ! grrrl s ! ! J
musicianship i
not
based on how fast you
Wha t ever happened to a boyfriend , the kind o f guy who ' d try to win y ou over ,
move your fingers on
. what eve r happened to a boyfri e nd , the kind of guy who ma kes love ' cause he ' s i11
the fret board or
whether you can write
~'?"~· ~
·
it ? (Fuck a nd Run)
/~ / :~
~"" ,,,,.
;/ ~
in a minor key. To
"~
~~
was made of. The
<V
Beac.tes scarcea ic,
4
know what you're
a love spat (The
~
Z1 • R.E.M. knew . nothing
doing and why you're •
,;
.c:
th .
Divorce Song). She's,~
else early in
eir
doing it, that's the ~
·
bi f."'
career. Follow the
J ust full of vital
(fJ A .l
.
key. Pophead knows c ontradictions .
..Miiiii,.
(fJ ...;;.;.;
f o rmula. Verse
the ballad of the
iiii r P f r ~ in v erse
.
rday
I
gust 20
(~
Pun~
bar
~~~
ea.d 1 . Pop
a.
~
.r
0
ed
{g
m
§4
1
1
--
r:
24'Qii'
ob
E
~·
·''~ ·~
· 1<1
"-'<~
~~
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 02
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, Fall 1994
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from September, 1994. This issue of The Rat's Ass focused on God and the growth of us as individuals. The front page has Chuck Meiman trying to get closer with his Lord. The front page also has a comic of a man saying "Loneliness is a sign of weakness." The next article is Dipak Ghosh giving his insight on Senior Photographs. Dylan Dryer brings up luck with "The Eight Ball." The final page has an article about "What's a pop song?" Written by Ross Gohlke.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chuck Meiman, Dipak Ghosh, Dylan Dryer, Jay Stovall, Ross Gohlke
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/13ccf3251b753882229e40173e2482cd.pdf
024707b13b9fe9daf73b8cdf49779121
PDF Text
Text
s
ASS STRENGTH
There's No Going to
Town in Bathtub, or,
How to Endlessly
Enjoy the Fracture of
Narrative.
b~ 1'\1'rtin
'FcJ(
~
Tomorrow's leaders
Edward Gorey's
phantasmagoria
consists of parodies of
Victorian children's
literature, adopting a
darker version of
Lewis Carroll's antididactic strategies.
His The Raging Tide:
or, the Black Doll's_
Imbroglio uses the
form of Choose-YourOwn-Adven ture children's novels in
which -the reader is
pn:~sented with a
degree of control in
linking passages
together through
directed pageturning.
1 one sciens
tific answer to that idiotic Freudian
mumbo jumbo .
are busy tonight
The form of
the text, then, is
potentially different
with every reading.
Each page consists of
a sentence _
ac-companied by two choices_
_and page-ilirectives
a._11d a drawing
illustrating the
action. Thus, if you
find Hooglyboo's
cramming Eighash
inside a vase elev€!",
you are instructed to
turn to 11,
continuing the
narrative. If, on the
other hand, all this
seems too terrible to
contemplite, you
turn to page 29,
send.ing_everyone
joyously to an early
grave and ending the
story. In some
readings, two to four
T·N·T
,,_ p 0 PC 0 RN
of the protagonists
will assault one
another with
domestic objects until
the end, with possible
excursions to the
Dogear Wryde
Topiary Gardens or to
illuminatory passages
on turnips and
prunes.
The control, in
the forms that Gorey
satirizes~ however, is
somewhat illusory,
an4.as_ is traditional
in children's literature, is designed to
impose codes of
''common'' sense._ and
morality ,-as death of
the reader (the ending of the narrative)
can result from
choices deemed
"wrong'~ by the
author. Gorey
subverts this by foregrounding the
manipulativness of
the genr.e and
pointing towards the
implicit codes-of
morality in the
choices offered. One
act of attempted
senseless violell€e
leads to another, with
little s€Ilse of order
other than_that
Linposed by the
reader's choices. The
implication, then, is
that such · systems are
arbitrary and
therefore without
--~ ,....,
.-
....... :
·-
,....
THE ENEMY
NOW
IF EUROPE AND ASIA1·
.
WERE LOST
-,
.
TOTAL POPULATION is ~O\\'. r.oushly h~·o to one in our fav or.
'°i
.
�·~
,.
.
~
...............
..
. ,,,,.,..-~ ,,,... /I
,
·" j
• / ,-/
/.,,..,
·
·· ·
· h Ross Gohlk_ ":
e
An Interview ~ft
./7 .., -·-r , ~ ..
-.-,,
.
-.
/7
.
~~
•
...,·.:;·~·
l<
Well, another school year
is underway, and you're a
senior, right?
R: Right.
r: I should mention that I'm
not conducting this
) interview because I
•. ·?:; personally find you very
D:a..: interesting, but you are a , ,.
-~ pretty visible person on .
1.,,. campus this year, not
-;' necessarily visuallyR: I live off campus, but I hav
a meal ticket.
r: What I mean is that
because of some of the
things you're involved in
this year at Rhodes our
readers might like to know
a bit more about you.
R: You have readers? ·
r: I know you are a
sometimes contributor to
the Rat's Ass. What are
some of your worthwhile · · -~ :i.
extracurricular activities? -~ '¥
R.: Actually I'm about the only _-:-'
· J.
good thing the Rat's Ass
·~!l\'
,:::has going for it this year,
.
..
but don't print that. I'm
,/
also an officer in the Wool '
Socks, Rhodes' only
/ _!!:::'~ ' ·
d
double barbershop quartet. r _ .
')
Maybe not for long. There ~
is a group of about 20 or
so young women forming
a group called the Silk
Stockings.
Obviously derivative and
doomed to failure with a
name like that.
What's wrong with being
derivative? Do you think
thatyour group is original? _ _ __,
Don't get me started on
the epistemelogical
problem of mimesis. I'm in
Contemporary Continental .
- - - ··
·- -·
IVER
.
~~
-·"'.'
1 ~~~~~o~;~:iEngiisli
concurrently.
Then you don't use big .
words that you don't
know the meaning of
yourself.
R: How do you know I
don't know?
Have you noticed how
often the word "you"
has come up in this
interview so far?
You started it.
Isn't this interview just
a weak excuse to force
your megalomaniac
over-self-important ~elf
onto the freshmen and
other unsuspecting
members of the Rhodes
community?
Actually, I was.going to
ask you the same
question. Incidentally
the Wool Socks are '
l~oking for gig_ _ any
s of
kmd. So while we're on
the subject, if anyone in.
your imaginary
.
audience has a' need for W"i -.
an over-talented, underworked double "
barbershop quartet,
they can send DECMail
to GOHSR. , ,;
The Rat's Ass does not
participate in· such
blatant displays of selfpro~~tion ~q free 2;:3· ::..gfift:ibtftV~
publicity.
COSMO TRON .. . 0
Your idealism would be .
~--~
admirable except that I r-~.
happen to know that
J;,r
you don't have anything ~. 7'
else to print this week. :':.i '
How do you know that? '.!"'
t :·
'
-
C~OS~l':IG i~ one ta~t~cal military_situation ~nto whi~h_an
·g;.• •k·
-.m~~~r ~-.;.
....
~r
~ACID
YOUNG ~~~~hi~~PERSONf~ ELECTRODE
Christina Huntington
0~~#
1)~.,..u.
Last Saturday morning, a strange thing
riappened. At about 1 I :20 that
morning, m toes slithered from under
v
.....-=,...... the covers to make their f1 rst contact
~-111 of the day with the little piece of
carpet by m bed. I was immediately
y
alarmed bv the sharp crunch I felt.
which brought to mind tt1e
haH-squished roach I had seen on tne
bathroom tile the night before. When I
drew m foot back , however. I didn't
v
ifind a six- legged v1sitor , but a small
\greenish fragment of something,
mavbe a shell. I kicked it out of the
way, figuring it was easier to let it.
bioCJegrade in some corner than to
actually pick it up When I walked
over to my sink , I pinched my fool
again , and this time bothered to study
what this annaying little thing was. It
turned out to be a piece of acorn. Later
I found another fragment lodaed in the
inch-thick sole of mv shoe like the last
kid hiding in a game of hide and seek. 1
Just left it there.
Three years ago, during my first
semester at Rhodes, I spent about 45
minutes of one wonderfully chilly dav
sitting outside with too little clothing
on. I was waitng for a friend with
whom I have long since lost contact.
but at the time we were close and he
was rn town. We had set a time for him
lto pick me up, but he was chronically
late, and even though I knew this. I
kept expecting him to drive up the next
minute. so I stood outside Bellinorath
in mv skirt and t-shirt inst~ of
running inside for a jacket. It would
only be a few more minutes, I kept
telling myself as my fingernails grew
steadily bluer. If I went back to m
y
room for even a minute, my friend
might drive up and, not seeing me
there, think he was in the wrong place
and leave. Besides, it was startino to
feel good out there. Something about.
that kind of cold can clear the mind,
m
ake you especially aware of
·38nsations, make you realize that you
are, in fact , alive. The air had that
fresh smell you notice in the fall , but
of radioact_ve onlv when vou first wal ~ outsidP """rl
i
would be dropped intcf the river, throwing out rolling mists
enemy cou_d spray which would destroY'·irtually all life within the mile circle sh own above.
l
!\o wonder th e;;e weddings are
more of a fa rce t han a reality and
n ever last.
Your picture of Janet Leigh and
Jerry Lewis is the mo;;t horrible, vulgar picture I h ave eYer seen in any
111agazine.
Least Favorite Pupil
rr s,..,,...,,ll)
it m
ade the shadows sharoer and
deeper. I think the thrnQ I noticed m
ost
that dav was that each time the wind
blew , it wouM ram dull orown acorns
They crackled against the pavement,
pricking m ears with their sound and
y
sometimes knocking agamst my head on
the wav down. It was as if it were
sleetina. I told m friend about it
v
when h-e finally got there. and he said
that the sairrels had probably been
throwing acorns at me. I thought he
was a little paranoid.
That little acorn fragm in my shoe
ent
told me som
ething. A week I've been
ll
noticing that they've started falling
aoain. I went home toc:tav , and when I
walked up m driveway' they were
y
crunching underfoot. The birds aren't
smging at night anymore. Pretty soon
the beetles will be crawling in to die.
Last vear , the Voorhies stairwell was
littered with little half-alive beetles.
They would crawl around for a little
while then just give up and sit there,
even if you poked at them. I eventually
gave up trying to make them keep
moving. It was fall, their time to die
So, what is my point in talking about
all of this? I guess it has som
ething to
do with the idea that som
etimes, small
things speak with more authourity
than one would expect. E though the
ven
heat is still beating the hell out of me
these days, I'm looking for those little
details that hold the promise of fall .
Looking out over the playground,
she thinks, He's been a bad boy again.
one cup flour
I w
as so cl ose .
two eggs
He deserves to be punished, again .
one cup mil k
So close.
one tsp. vanilla extract
Your cover of Janet Leigh is utterI should call his father.
ly disgusting.
one cup sugar
She might call Dad .
a pinch of sal t
But his father is never home .
preheat oven 350 °
But Dad is never heme.
..
_..
\,
FANTASTIC WEAPONS
StaffB~
D. Ghosh
R. Gohlke
J. Oliphant
C. Huntington
M. Fox
J. Stovall
C. Schafer
My blo od pressu re hasn't returned
t n n;1nn;i\ ..: i11r1•
~('Pill~ J a ne1 LPi!!h's
Bengali Bruiser
Cogent Boy Wonder
Barney's Bane
Sangria Christy
Vulpine News Hound
Muscular Dystopia
Sans Cerebrum
W
aterproof Plug
Automotive Plug
�Movie Review
A couple of weeks ago i went to see a
:1ellow drama at the orpheum. It was
hat movie, umm, easy rider, and i
bsolutely hated it. It was funny,
nough. I liked natural born killers.
Restaurants of Midtown
I had better not name this restaurant
•
ecause i fear lawsuits like the plague.
\nyway, it is in midtown, i was there
he other day, and i saw a roach. It was
·ery very disgusting. I will say,
hough, that the food was good. Quite
ood.
Memphis Night Life
Pool is fun and there are some good
estaurants. Reading is fun but you can
o that in any town or city. Or rural
rea.
The People
It's like anywhere, i guess; some
oeople are nice, some are pretty mean.
m pretty normal so i don't have to
lke a lot of sh-t.
Other Things
I for one am having great difficulty
·ying to find good criteria that
istinguish art and science from each
ther. I feel that art probably means a
rocess we don't understand because it
; so complex or is obscured by blights
f ignorance in the fabric of our
:iphisticated but certainly not
ltimately sophisticated conceptual
:ameworks. So really I think that
oing art and doing science are the
ame except that in one case it's much
1ore obvious to us what we're doing. I
ould go on and on about this until i
1aybe made some sense but i won't.
Why
And i'll tell you why i won't. It's
ecause i'm apathetic and my powers of
oncentration are laughable. I'm
ctually laughing right now. And i
lame mtv for my laughter, even
Jough watching it never makes me
i ugh. I honestly don't mean to sound
itter. Probably just too much coffee.
:spresso, even. I'm always into the
1test fad.
Religion
I love to talk, read and think about
iat phenomenon people have· named
religion." Religious people can be so
1otivated! Much more so than you
nd/or i probably usually are.
>readfully horribly bad, though, can be
lJ
z
0
Vl
.....J
j)
Vl
~
~
religion for the sense of humor. I think:I
being cynical and probably also quite I-flippant is the true mark of a person
with a healthy(not as in "health" but as
in "definitely there in a menacingly
flourishing way") sense of humor.
Because and i know this is obvious
there are just so many more things and bigger, more important things that the cynical and flippant person is
having humor over.
Well
Well, i need to go. I enjoyed talking
to you.
_/\
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The Rat's Ass, September 9, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 03
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Description
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This issue of The Rat's ass dates from September 9, 1997. On the front page of this issue of The rat's Ass martin Fox tells us the truth. Ross Gohlke sits down to be interviewed while Christina Huntington talks about that small things. The last page is a continuation of Christina Huntington's article.
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Martin Fox, Ross Gohlke, Christina Huntington
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2274c41262b6a4b2f59d42e30733b397.pdf
78da745305c87cbb9411b0ea888009f4
PDF Text
Text
te
a
1
0
r-
The original mixed
doubles toumey.
l lj_he Original
'6'•t SCofCh.
VOLUME 3 ISSUE 7, OCTOBER 20, 21 A.D. J. (anno diamond jiin)
EXCLUSIVE FOR-THE-BENEFITOF-THE-BOARD ISSUE
An open letter to the trustees,
or, Everything's fine
by Clay Combs
Esteemed men:
Welcome once again to
our fair college, the Holy of
Holies in the Mid-south's
Temple of Higher Education .
Know that your efforts have
helped place Rhodes atop a
heap of highly competitive
regional institutions, in a
position of esteem and
intluence unchallenged as far
East as Germantown, as far
West as Hot Springs. We
thank you.
Rhodes maintains the
highest standard of excellence
in all things, to such an extent
that your visit has occasioned
no special preparation. The
Rhodes you glimpse as you
stroll from meeting room to
meeting room is the true
Rhodes, in all its glistening
workaday luster. The Rhodes
you hear administrators
describe is the true Rhodes.
The meal you take in the
Refectory is the true Rhodes.
We have nothing to hide
from you, members of the
Board.
There are no tensions
between
f aculty,
administration, and students.
Instructors feel complete
freedom to teach their courses
as they see fit, without
pressure
from
the
administration to endorse a
certain point of view. They
feel the same freedom to
fraternize with students outside
the classroom in any social
context. Students and faculty
agree wholeheartedly with
administration decisions about
tenure and faculty evaluations
via the SIR forms.
All student groups feel
themselves an integral part of
the campus community. The
tradition-rich (some say,
similarly, outmoded) system of
fraternities and sororities does
not fracture the campus into
cliques built on socioeconomic
status and manufactured
bonhomie as it does on lesser
campuses. And the minority
issue has been satisfactorily
resolved; Rhodes may not look
just like America, but we
certainly look more like
America than we did a couple
of years ago. And we think
that's good enough. It should
at least keep bothersome civil
liberties groups at bay for a
The new multimillion-dollar
gymnasium will add the .
finishing touch 10 an acclaimed
Everyone
physical plant.
agrees that all academic
programs at Rhodes are as
strong as they should be, and
that, therefore, pouring effort
into raising funds for a gym is
justified and necessary.
In short, everything's fine at
Rhodes. Any murmurs of
discontent you may hear am1c1
the cheering are only the
rumblings of one or two
disgruntled, socially inept and,
probably. atheistic miscreants
We hope they don't disc01~cer1
you . .If they do, just file a
complaint with the propei
officials and we'll have thl
malcontents taken care or
Enjoy your stay.
�Khoctes ca111pus
right off you. They are
President Daughdrill:
perceived rather than
Last week when 1 sat actual problems. I am
fown to chat with you at writing this to you in the
\T&T U1 tngs didn't quite hopes that sitting behind
.urn out well, from my your private desk these
:nd . I'm sure this comes words
might
seep
is a shock to you, through to the human
issuming you remember being beneath that navy
mr conversation about suit with yellow tie, that
acuity tension, Rhodes' ever-present smile, and
;tandards of excellence, the firm handshake
tnd how the Rockettes meant to persuade
tre
not from
my pocketbooks. You are
1 om et 0 w n,
since unassailable in person.
:verything seemed to end Everybody
(except
m such a positive note.
apparently you) knows it.
Ve were only bantering
There is no question
or the sake of bantering that you have done some
tnyway, right? No hard
mighty things for this
eelings intended, none campus. But you are not
aken . I'm afraid it's not a mighty person, or a
hat easy. I was deeply savior. You are a
listurbed, indignant, and professional who is
•ffended after our talk
incredibly good at his job,
md I want you to kno~ which at present seems
.bout it. I want you to
to be raising the money
:now because I suspect required to sweep Rhodes
hat this pattern replays
into the next century
lself too often with
poised on the wings of
ndividuals at our college. massive
fac 11 tty
vve both have a stake to improvements. You say I
laim. don't we?)
don't know the whole
Everything ls always so
story. After talking to you
·ositive
with
you. one on one at the lunch
"!consistencies,
table I don't need to.
and, after an hour of
ggravalions,
These are the things I sterile conversation, you
eactionaries, injustices, would have said if, to had let me speak. I can
ifractions, egalitarians, begin with, I hadn't been appreciate your need to
~ nsions-they just roll
so careful not to offend· always have the last
'
' word, it's your job. But
called by
· \ this time I'm taking it.
I guess the thing that
the Lord to become a Presbyterian
really shocked and
p
offended me was how out
reacher, then received a higher
of touch you were with
calling-to become a college
the mental and material
·
president.
,,j ., .,
reality of daily life at
4..~
·;; :. .o Rhodes. I long ago
~
Has helped Rhodes make .: g:, ~ : . noticed that I don't see
'"
.., the up-and-comers poll in the liberal ]al r:: s ·~' you on campus un 1
ess
... .·
"' ~
you're heading to a
arts southern region farm league 21 P:: ~ ..: ]' meeting, briefcase in
"' .... "'
~ors straight
-5 ; ~ .s hand, or else with some
. ..,\ f1cr_a11e11ding o a,·idso11 College . and getting a ' A. from Emory 1~-E.;
i
official-looking figures. I
Lill\ t'ISl l\ 1n 1956 . he became an executive of Kingston ~ ! ills in :§ .0 ~ .!!"
think that says a lot.
Canc rs1 ilk . Georgia. manufacturers of carpets, and soon rose 10 its § ~ ~ ~
Last year a friend of mine
pr,-, idcllc' · ~k bcrn me a member of the In ternational Young Presi- ,::S: t 7j
asked you, at the Same
<kn:, 01 ; m11 zm1011. reserved to p1esidents under 40 ,, ho<
.
lunch table, "Do you
.e cor I , ~ , c
p.1111L·s h,l\ c sales of 11101e than five million dollars a i ea i . He I Id £ "' .=: s know
what they're
.
. . .
.
ie
;:1 ~ ,,. "
111 "" ' 1cspc>11s1bk posts in c1v1c and chu1 ch wo1k, but in 1964 made
::i Ji :-O teaching in Search?" You
0
"ll 1111 porw11 1 11crrn11a1 dec ision.: to leave business and become a min- . ~ ::§ §
had to answer "no." Ok, I
;, ,,·r. I k had \\' illO' Cd _co do so since high school days but Ya rious :x: '1il ~ & could maybe see how you
l'l'a>tH l S had J'l~\Clltc•d < After gett ing another degree. !his time from
l.
~ S] · Shouldn't need tO knOW
:_·,.Jt 11 llhi_'. Th,·~.J1.>~ k;ii Se111i1.iarv. he_spent lh rce yc~rs :1 pas1 c•f 1k
;
s
or
~ -~ ~ ~ ) what they teach in
' ' ·" ' 1 '" 5 ' ' '" h"'" '" n Church 1n L111lc Roc k, Arka nsas. His ex- 1 c; ~ 8 ~ Search. I don't know your
"'
-l'lll l\c abilit.ics rn ught up with him again , and he was made chairman ~ 8;:; ]" official job description. (Is
'
;'l'. i:'. '~2'\~~1 :11~,~~~.','~~~:1 ~ l~~:~~;;:!~~t1i~~ 1;1;;1 ~ecrernry of Steward- ~] -~ -~ \ ~P.a;l~: a~:;:~~ ~~~Oa~~~~
----
IP11@a~a@~ Carp~lesman
l
:s.,
J
1
1
0
I
getting flustered at his
insolence. And you were
being serious.
So much for those lofty
standards.
In our
conversation you tRlkeu
for a long time about how
you refuse to shy away
from hard decisions, That
what Rhodes' standards
mean to you is the
courage to judge and the
ability to discern. You
based all of your
arguments on "concrete
. statistics." It is a realistic
position, you assured me,
explaining how all of
those egalitarian faculty
members who would
rather not see anyone get
canned just can't face the
music.
Have you heard all this
before? Am I just missing
the point? Am I incapable
of
fathoming
or
appreciating
the
complexity of your
position? Even if that
were the case, you should
know that what people
see matters. It would
seem that you are the
only one privileged
a phrase found in one of
enough to know the way
Rhodes' glossy brochures
things really are, and all
intended
for
rich
those false perceptions:
protestant parents about
the tension between
how "the majority of
faculty
and
Rhodes faculty are
administration, your
Christians." My friend
image as a heartless
asked how you knew if
hardnose without a clue,
faculty were Christians.
the accusation that
"It
comes
up
in
Rhodes students aren't
conversations,"
you
as tops as we would like
responded
oh-so
to think; all of these
intelligently,
before_ things are someone else's
l!!r1 ~· 'TcE'f.'~·:":
problem. As such, you
ignore them. You must
have missed the Kant
lesson at Davidson, or
maybe it just didn't
interest you. Well here's
WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT
1 the simplified,
updated
Ins u ra nce comp ani es consid e r ' ' CU. n
: 1:sk ! Th e ir s ta ti sti cs prove yo u n rc
t version. Perceptions do
more suscepti ble to h('art nntl other dismatter; peoples' opinions
cnH·s tha t sh orte n yo ur li£c c xp<'cfa ncy !
Lo~c those dnngL·rous pou nds now with
~ matter. And here's the
tli is
safe, scientific plan 1
cliich. lets
kicker. IMAGE matters.
) 'Ult. eat.
, It's funny that you
~'
, understand this principle
l'iJ
.; so well when projecting
~l
;. Rhodes' image to the
;~
$ 2 ;) 0
¥1world-we have the most
;:·;
~,I beautiful campus in
~.:
~l America. Why, then, does
;
~
. it not matter how you are
S h·irt , ~nrc . Sli M\ ~ Y
'JU how to 1·at wi..:1
·ly,
:1 perceived on campus by
kcr 1ri111 Cin''"
~ (':u:rd.. CotTc1:tly.h:rs apn<l V it. nmi ns.r ou Apl'C· ., student~ and faculty?
t ile Hf·1lur ing: \'rn
•
Have you really convinced
yourself t hat no one
really understands? That
is a scary thing. It means
that you are accountable
to no one. Not officially,
of course, but in your
mind. In your head
everyone else has it
wrong. You told me that I
was wrong, politely.
We talked about the
SIRS. Do you remember
what you told me? "Well
what do you propose that
is any better?" And my
inability to propose a
workable alternative to
the present system of
teacher evaluation on the
spot, something that a
committee of teachers will
be studying for two years
before
making
a
recommendation,
invalidated everything I
had to say on the matter.
In your eyes it just proved
that I was another
student with a head full
of steam hell-bent on
raising hell whether I had
a reason or not. (Do you
remember philosophizing
on the subject of student
reactionaries who assault
your image, saying, "It is
to be expected from
college students. They are
at a tumultuo\ls point in
their lives. They have to
get steam off their chests
cu111111w11ty
somehow. I don't take
any of it ser iously."?
-another occasion last
year at the n ow-infamou s
lunch table, talking to a
young man who asked
you what you though t
about the Rat's Ass, him
· having unbeknownst to
you written a letter in it
calling
fo r
your
resignation. How crass
your response must have
been. But y ou w e r e
clueless.) I will tell you
right now that I don't
~
categorize easily. My
~.
1h·
words ought to matter to . ~ : - ~"''
you, Mr. Daughdrill. 1 ~ ···"·
·
want you to take thi ........:.._
~
personally.
.::::::::-God , sometimes l feel like doing you a favorI'm sorry. 1 let our la .-::::::::: li ke " applying a little Chnstiarnty on t l1e JO b ,..
-· · ·
·
d
conversat 10n en
- .
,,
such an upbeat note. I t or like asking you to " be with me at work .
was dishonest of me, and But the process gets reversed . Questions rebound.
1 know
h ow little My quest ion changes .
dishonesty b ecomes a
. .
. .
.d ?
' Rhodes student. But this W ho am l to 111\'J te you into mJ ay.
is the t ru t h. I do not I can merely turn myself over to you today.
want to be your b e s t Thank you for taking: me into your freedom .
friend.
Presiden t e ither, eve n if it 's
Amen .
Daughdrill. I do not .want u nintentional. I'm s t:ill
to be your enemy. I simply waiting for the truth on a
want to be treated with number of issu es And 1
enough respect to get the want it to come fro.m you .
truth from you and n ot The sad th in gs is , I don't
an avalanche of s tock think you know it
responses forc e full y
.
·
hurled to prevent any
Smcerely, on behalf of a
comeback, to assure the lot of people,
\ke
last word. I don't think
Ross ooh
dishonesty b ecomes a ..
Rhodes College presid ~pt 1· "'''· ll'.
SI NIVlllA lVlH lHl
~:':""'i-~·'"' ~·
.
.
CONVERS~
.
WARNING
TO MEN
TIONSWITH
A CHIMP
'WHO ARE YOU?'
'JR.'
llC \\· ,
R ep en t
P iu:kn~ c
~~
~
'\AI Ul\T
nn
Vf"\11
\Al.ANT? '
' ROGER
TICKLE
�when i grow up.
b VJ
CFd V O.
2 i.} D ('t-/1
ks
alright, kids, we're at
rhodes college. we are
all supposed to get our
eighty thousand dollar
educations and follow
paths that lead us to
prosperity in the real
world. we are all
someday going to be
lawyers, physicists,
doctors, market
analysts, etc. i 'm sure
that there's a couple of
potential white collar
felons here, too. look
around you, cats, see
daddy's cherokee
parked carelessly in
the commuter lot; that
ticket isn't going to
matter, because just as
pops owns the title,
pops will pay the
ticket when buffy calls
home. he's probably a
lawyer... i bet he
threatens to sue. (for
those of you who are
now talking ao0ut my
close-minded
stereotyping: i have
been working in law
firms for three years,
not all of 'em are bad '
but in my limited
experience, the ones
who are hep ain't too
happy with what
they're doing) . the
point is this: we will
follow in mommy and
daddy's footsteps and
make tons o' cash so
we can send our little
jr. 's to a nice place like
rhodes.
i want to be a truck
driver. i want to be
able to control tons of
steel as it barrels
down a mountain pass
in the southwest. i
want to eat at the
flying j truck stop in
amarillo (i did this
wee k en d . . . goo d f oo d .
bad coffee). i want to
do this for a living. it
must be the only truly
kerouacian profession
LAUCI! W IT[!
Amos 'n' Andy
S undQy1, 7,30 p.m.
T, CBS RQdio Netwo1I:.
i know that some of
you are out there,
having these midcollege romanticisms
too. maybe if we get
lucky, someday we
think about it. infin
time for smoking.
endless coffee. you
could buy an audio
recording of on the
ffi.rul.. you could eve
say, "10-4, good
buddy." just don't tc
many of you hep cat
take my idea.
will get to be in reality
see you hipsters at
bites II (the second
stuckey's.
worst movie ever).
rF==========~~~=~~~~
-- "·
in the world (other
than writing, which
you can tell i' m not so
good at.. .. woe is me.)
' '°J
right now, psychic
~
dave will tell you what
~
you are thinking . you
:y
are thinking, "dave.
. ~
first, i don't care what ~
you want to do with
"o
your life. second, get
o
off your high horse
~
and quit criticizing my l-pragmatic nature.
third, why the hell are
' Vi
you at rhodes?"
()
/.
This Wee~'s Corn.ed Beef. House Personality is Nancy
Hodwell . ~ancy is executive secretary of the senior class
an one of the unsung heroes of the Social Commission .
The Corned Beef House ~
Pastrami, Breakf~t :.
Maxwell House Coffee
. Call for carry out se~vice
3307 Summer .
. 452-9396
1737- . Union Ave. ·
272-9561 . . ,,,_ ..
.,
~
response, i say this. i
know you don't care
what i do with my life
but i just wanted to '
write it down (so i can
feel disappointed
when i'm a lawyer) .
also, uncle dave ain't
criticizin' your dream S,
young hipsters... he' 8
just presenting an
~.lternative.
finally,
I m at rhodes because I
want to learn .
\ .~
. -.~.
·'
. ·,
-~
.
-
~;
The Rat's Ass is assembled by a
crack staff of Rhodes students
and/or friends, published
whenever the staff feels like it
and distributed for mass
consumption in the domain of
actual campus publications, the
Rat. Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is published.
Collectivley, there is neither
regard for, nor claim of, truth, so
don't get on us about it. The
opinions expressed by individuals
are their own. Any and all
contributions will eventually be
published. You can even be the
editor, just bring your lucky coin
for
the
toss
up.
~;%f
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 7, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 07
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from October 7, 1994. This issue of The Rat's Ass was aimed towards members of the Board. The front page features a piece by Clay Combs who addressed The Members of the Board about life on campus. Ross Gohlke writes to President Gaughdrill about the benefits the Board of Trustees and Rhodes receives. Dave Evoanies tells us how we will all follow in "Mommy and Daddy's Footsteps" on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Ross Gohlke, Dave Evoanies, Martin Fox, Jay Stovall, Ghosh Dipak
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/fdd14e28f0e99b3ab0b3ead80e490b0d.pdf
c4bf4df4d13a0e56e655843a451005f8
PDF Text
Text
~elps You
Y,,J""'le ' I
Overcome
ltlak-,. 2 ;sve 8
f FALSE TEETH
with # 1.
Communism is simply
the answer to the
following equation:
government
+compassion
Hhy? Because the
whole thing was run
by a perfect crosssection of humanity:
you had greed, hunger
it has recently come
for power, impatience,
to my attention that
and whining.
You see, this is the
communists are made
Please don't get me
main problem people
fun of a lot in our
wrong. I like America,
have with communism:
present society. To
they would have to be really. It's neat, and
all of you who partireally big. And I think
nice. Communism
cipate in this partiAmerica could benefit
involves thinking of
cular form of ridicule
others and respecting from a little commI have but one word:
unism. But I don't
them, talents, short "Phooey."
like the "love-itcomings, and all. It
I am a communist. I
or-leave-it' mentality
involves other stuff
haven't told my
too, like distribution That's not what this
parents yet; I'm
country is about (it's
of weal th, which
waiting for the right
rumored). And I don't
means the virtual
time. But there are a
elimination of hunger, like ignorance.
few issues I'd like
homelessness, etc.
to address.
(God forbid that; we
Yes, this whole
1) Communism ain't
have to have someone
was written on a typereally that bad.
to throw spare
writer. You know us,
2 } No, really, it
change a t s o we can
we' re kind of behind
i sn ' t .
go to sleep at night.} on technology.
01 -ay 'f 2 It means you W r1G LIVE THE GLORIOUS
c~ 1 ~ ~~e enough t o
ArID VALIANT PROLETARIAT
buy a yacht to match
STRUGGLE AG\INST Tl~
WILL THIS
your canvas shoes. But
OPPRESSIVE BOURCEOI
you know, it's those
CAPITALIST REGIME!
kind of sacrifices
Thank you and have a
that build character•
good night•
I think now is an
opportune time to point
out that those "damn
.
commie Soviet bastards"
f ~
or ,.e
·
Prov en formula"ma<kabi..w,.,
who threatened our way
'";'
of life, if not our
:~u~!:,:0;-;:h:::'h;:~i:
oction .. ho w
..
f
very existence, or
f,~'t;~~·~~;;":«;:;~~ ·
t t Comm
,ma11 perce n1oge ct 1hi
4 5 years weren
;:~1; 0:~0 ;;;;10•~·,;:~~1
unists. Sorry.
~
~~: .:n:~~c~~~1~h=
Just a n article
by
tom logue
:1
••
I
I
.
'
'
-
'l1fji
NEW
SHAMPOO MAKE
MY BRISTLES
AS GOOD
AS
-~PROLON?
lo ~oke
:lj
' 3•
th t
a
s
eop le c:; ay
•
•t
communic:m 1S OU
ome p
:
•
Sahsfact1on Guara nteed
-
dated' that J. t is no
longer a viable theory o
I think that human
beings suck, and that
we are no longer a
viable species. It's
not a matter of communism not working,
it's that it never
~r + h ~ l f ~ chance.
..
0
:::;e:d~r':o~O 1':1i:!U~
-If YOU WAHl TO.
f our fu end'
bovl'ld lo
v If w e G UA RAN TEfyovwcce,u Yourdu1r•~
io reo l1l v
~~~~~d
IS
Th~idb:~~e,sv:~,r~~·~h~~';'~nd,h:r;:
~~ev':~! ':~~l~;oll~ ;-noc:;l,:,~~I~~ ;:~~t;v.robo~~!~ :::dJ
."' ;;~~~a~~l~ '~;;E~RCH So d l z Alha mb,a, Calo!~
�Streaking: One Way to Get a B.A.
~:i;:_: '.~~' " - ,• '
I
.. ::· ... .
i~~. ::~:
......_..,...., ..
... ........... ,,... ...-··., .
llU • \'1 • 'Pl! • '>I
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I"
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.
..... ·. ,,,::
••ot ()ti'.
1 ·1 .. ,
:'~.:;·...·;;~.:.:::.: ~:;:.:
Rat's Ass: So,uh, Mr. Satan,
how long have you been attending Rhodes College.
An ti-Christ: Since the
Masons founded it, actually·
But right now I am posing as
a senior.
RA: What are your views on
the current state of evil at
Rhodes?
or
..
Horror Punk Rock Song
Wizened angel of death, you're
Too old to reap; you can only
Gnaw at a young girl's.ank~es.
This encounter on a ram-slicked
Highway, you scythe with a
Road sign, impaling
Windshield glass.
1
th
' ;}
ilt
j,
"'I 1
Old beat-up Chevys can't cruise too good
Wrapped around a teleP.hc;me pol.e.
Your teenage lips wont kiss again
With that pretty little head
In your own lap.
Hope lies in the miracle of modem
· · .·~ Science,
And the gentle craft of robbing graves.
My queen
Myfover
~'
My Cadavera!
~
Marilyn's body with a schoolgirl's head,
The pinnacle of tonight's delights.
She'll keep loving long after you're dead.
See the stitches? Turn out the lights.
[!aaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrr
i'llsmashdashbashaskulland-giveafewkicks-in-theribs--mydadlikesguns-andhasbunches-bu Hhi nki 'llgo-dowu-tow1t-a11dgetag1111,
just-for-the-feel-of-i ti;
ADVICE
' ..... , , . . ... . . . . . . "
~,',
A-C: Well, not a had way to
make a living ... l've lately
found hitter polemics in
underground newspapers to
be a useful tool.
RA: What has been the focu.
of these polemics, in
general?
A-C: Oh, you know, the usu<l
sort of stuff you fl nd at
, every college: bitter
diatribes against the
administration, meaninglP.ss
poems, and a penchant for
the pointless. But excuse
me I must be going .
RA; One last question, Mr.
Satan When shaving, do yo
prefe~ a brush or a roller?
A-C: Lime.
smile and nod
in kurt reply:
Another person
whose name
I don't know
has greeted me like an old friel!d.
Vertigo a go-go
or
I'm too immature to appreciate
That Hitchcock film
Jimmy Stewart didn't need no talk
To get off
Kim Novak's clothes.
When she almost drowned, that's when
He had her
Over to his apartment.
_
} . 1 ~, 0 1· '- ;· :v.t~
.
'
..
.}.·~f~it.~:..::::.
·.:'···'.~-~,
'.·
.
'
.
:.
- ·- ..
'·.
l
·· The cat blew another note on his trumpet; the TV screen
' went blanh. He intoned, "Night has just fr,lfer1" --------~--
�., po\nts
\{eep to\\ 0 •
...
'
·
'
DOVI ..
~
.,.
Martin Fox's criticism in this issue of the Rat's Ass has become entirely
concerned with itself, allowing a silly amount of self-referentiality. By
isolating itself as a signifier which points exclusively towards itself, it
circumvents modes of critical discourse which, have, of course, been
assimilated by the ruling classes, as a prop to the hegemony of bipolar
thought, a fetish of hierarchical organization within a post-cultural strata
invoked by the exchange of play and structure. Although he addresses none
of these concerns, the interjection of a text in variance with this system
clearly points towards the implication of critique. It would have been vastly
improved, however, if it had alluded to Proust.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 28, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 28, 1994. The was the "To HELL WITH EVERYBODY" issue. On the front page is "just an article" by Tom Logue which talks about communists in our society. Juan Oliptante brings up Horror Punk Rock Songs and the lyrics they follow. On the final page is a criticism of Martin Fox's criticisms.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Juan Oliptante, A-C Lime
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0ea3d72415dc967da3eee55303d4a8dc.pdf
1d782f76dc783a8f6d8ce976849369c4
PDF Text
Text
Volurie 3
· The Rat's Ass
u natunleta
el
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by a
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(16-6) to (l~-1~) l"';-1~1_,~ obstructing
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sl1rewd
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unified
usually
above
and thu s fall .
into r uin .
Party hierarchy
College A. D bombardment
,
silv er had b een
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of
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; •1 r•oonr 7our ~br th• n" of other rtme
tbat. }'Ot1 oi:_;~~.~co:~:lthon & anf; but do .cot fori:•;
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f cl ,e,.,. loolon 11amp. S. sf· Phll&dclph..: P•.
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•o d~erviog
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llll.4NDl!l!TU• s VEGET.U& UNIVJ<RSA.L
•.
PILLS,
111
HIT
I
th
rtf~1~ creation, as it doesn't 'nothing. and has no
:-- - ~ ""~ when aU Ua1 unal Jadlcatloae t4UatUca,n eer&ainly
.,, .
.
~- •· _
.
_
• - ~~ ,
_die.
~bl~~\ exist) have ~n
13fff3cts. We can use
~ ..?-~~
~·
r~The...Ra.t's Ass is p.ut togeth~ --. ~ .~..-~,_, ,;,
'J,\1.\'.1· ·i · · > unable to achieve
(f
i
the word nothing,
' •
~- 1U1 t~f~·)• -'. . • ·•_ anything. By its
but it cannot mean
' by a group of losers not unlike ; - ..: .
~I' 1~. ~ ,_ '2 . ·, absence, and the .
~i% ·
anything, because it.
yourself, but different. We
"publish" when we chose and
;~<.·\·~~~ absenc~ of absence, its does not refer to
.
distribute it in the Rat for you
~ ._~ :~;,-;., i non-existent statussome thing. and thus
to scan before you r Friday
.·:. ~ disallows us from
is decontextualized
afteF-lunch classes, and then
},~ ,kej~-~ ... ~~·o u•o ~
~nino- ,.... ,,.li\Ws. Wand incamble .of
:Mf
·"· I
rwad it up at our expense.
. -,~: it. Because it does
conception without
Obviously. tautologies are
. " ;;-.-.~· not exi~, it fundions.
being something or
false. (and hence , there are no
restrictions on w hat is
in-a ra~1cal stat~ of
the negation of some
published, and we lay no
~ • • !;.1'!,,,. . Jt non-bemg, which
thing. U you.-run
claims to representaition of
c· f ·,. · ;;.,· '_. does no t nega te
· 1~
\
across nothi n g,
truth or somethi ng. So don't
il.~:'~1· , be'
igngre it It doesn't
1}~.J' 11.,~!•·
ing, as, having no
scab us 'bout it.) That is to
·~~~
-. qualities,. it ~n have
exist.
say , the opinions expressed
·
no consbtulill~
herein are ours ... not theirs,
effects. The inability
and hopefully not yours. Any
and all submissions will be
for us to give it even
published.
conceptual existence
leads us not to
consider the effects o.(
ottr ereation ef the
lack of creation.
\\!hat- does- not exist,
then, does not exist,
nor does- it exist in an
anti-state. If
rnartin fox--art tatun-1
nothing11€s& ean not
be talked about, this
david sears--charley parker
discussion....vf
jay stovaJl--theJonious rnonk
nothin0 uess doesn't
dipak ghosh--john coltrane
exist Therefore, if
ross gohJke--benny goodrnan
you are reading it,
miles davis--as himself
you are ei~r non-,
existent, or it doesn t .
As nothing is
negated, nothing
emerges from it. Tr.te
replacement of
nothing w.ith
. .
nothing causes
in
h:i.n
1
H ow t o Get a P at ent .
O\rn
medici11 0
••
•
W'hfc.h
the
:medicine
koo1"
1a you mod
.
1. ,
t.
·:
1
\.
.. .
i
.Jiir
~~
._ , , _ , .
the other night I was driving home ·after a visit on
campus with a friend.
It was late so the streets were deserted.
A police officer suddenly appeared in my rear view mirror. I was
extremely tired and in no mood to contend with an authority figure
after my eventful evening. I pulled to the side of the road and
was informed by the courteous officer that one of my headlights
"was burnt out. This being the case he was obligated to search my
~'\,
vehicle for anything that would have contributed to me driving a
~~
oar in that condition (with a head light not functioning
~~~
properly). To his surprise he found nothing but books for my ~~
classes. He was utterly shocked to find the combination of ~~
Philosophy, Psychology, Astronomy, and Greek books. With a ~
condescending tone he immediately inquired as to what sort of~
classes I was taking.
I told him that I was taking the above
classes as well as a Painting class. He began making comments
about me being a student at Shelby State Community College and
maintained that the Rhodes sticker on my back window was something
that I borrowed from a friend to make people think that I went to
a real institution. He seemed to be operating under the
conception that real colleges only housed the future doctors,
lawyers, politicians, and entrepreneurs. Once he saw my Rhodes
I.D. card he kindly asked me what the hell I was going to do wit
an education like that. It became obvious to me that I was
speaking to an individual who was living in a totally different
reality than I. He pressed his question and insisted that I give
him an answer. I told him that I was trying to acquire a broad
variety of knowledge and that my major was Philosophy. He laughed
heartily as he gave me the ticket.
On the ride home I really considered the whole idea. What
type of career can I have that will make me happy and allow me to
earn a decent living.
I then realized something that had been in
the back of my mind all along but had been suppressing. Freud
would liken this to penis envy. I had come to an amazing
realization. I know what I want to do and a degree in Philosophy
will enable me to do it. I want to be pimped.
I want to be a
male harlot . In layman ' s terms I want to be a bitch . It is
perfectly consistent with my hedonistic moral system. I can also
earn a substantial inoome.
It is not often that you can earn fat
duckets doing something you enjoy. I must seize this golden
opportunity . The only problem is that I want Ccn~ 1>0,f respected. I ·~
.to be
, 25
V)
d on ' t want to be just a bitch or simply a piece o~ Pound.
ass. I want to - ~
be fondled gently with an occasional smack (when I deserve it) or ~
bite. Today ' s society with its poor values does not give
~
individuals in this profession the proper recognition. In fact
:c;(
this field of expertise is highly discouraged especially by law
W::
enforcement. This comes to me as a great surprise sinoe
~
prostitution is probably most people's main occupation. It just
happens that I realize this and accept it.
I iust want to get~
my testicles played with in the _process.
• ~'f ~~E.puc:mn . PRICJJ:s..c;
~#
_To_?~- ~o_r:o o ~-~"!'e n?t t.'.'\be _paid for
n ~?r_ ~i>~1ar.~~ch,without
Sporadically
,
''<;·
.reg~d value,
#
•
•
I
.>$
, ~ti·.....
.
,
.
till you know what you are, to s et.
,., '
Da V id ~·' 0
--·
<.;.[ ~·~i'f
·
a
-·-
?
.
•tan- yo_~
•
·
SEE? IJUll~,'
.J
"Pl ease," pleaded Kokintz. "Car eful . If i t explodes it .
will hlow 11p all New York, P h iladelphia nnd Boston."
<C
G ';'
v
,
,
~~v;;-
�If your car feels like~$,,,
•
'
. . "''<.
.
Le
L x
,\
Sr. · · .
. 'f'~
_. T
..
, -
.
I want to be real
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 11, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 11, 1994. The front of this issue had a mass selection of words and 6 of those words were larger then the rest "Attention, Hours, Obstructing, occasions, will, College, and INFORMATION." Martin Fox writes an article about not existing in our world and "if you are reading this, you are either nonexistent, or it doesn't. On the final page we get a list of religious symbolism.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, David Sears, Jay Stoval, Dipak Ghosh, Ross Gohlke, Miles Davis
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/800a52c4d59e63477c7a0c445099d2a8.pdf
e2a2f8f77cf52e7bab959b20e048f8f5
PDF Text
Text
· 1
as~
WHAT'S GOIN' DOWN
WITH
RHODES
PLAYPEN, EST. 1848
by martin fox (with
Stay
Jovi~I)
I The door swung open.
Promptly it shut once more.
111is of course, had nothing to
do with what was at hand.
What was at hand was a matter
of you noticing this peice of
paper and reading this far.
Which of course was
the introduction to what is now
at hand. (That of course being
this peice of paper. You picked
it up for whatever reason, saw
that it was called the "Rat's
ASs", perhaps you were
curious. It doesn't really
matter).
What really matters is
a matter not merely of matter,
but a matter of anti-matter.
That is, we wish not to discuss
some tangible matter per se,
but a matter of what is SAID
about certain forms of matter. .
.namely human beings and
institutions of so-called higher
learning.
.
~
be wammg them of.
The ~
authorities organized some PR J
campaigns, and appointed a
sub-commitee to study the problem.
After a few years,
.someone suggested that they
talk to the keeper of the
lighthouse, and took the proper
steps to register for a
consultation with him. The
keeper was suprised by a
visitor, but quickly resumed
studying the intricate patterns
created when toys are being
examined by the distortions of
lens and mmors.
He
occassionly jotted down notes
of impressions seen, dressing
them with empathy and
' motivation. The man from the
sub-committee waited around
for a number of minutes before
he cleared his throat, and began
asking, in a tenative and
officious manner, about the
wrecks that had occured.
How
allegory: There was a lighthouse keeper who built a
protective tower, but grew tired
of building and didn't put in a
light.
Perhaps he became
overly engrossed in his
collections of hand-crafted toys
and
obscure
optical
For whatever
instruments.
reason, a light was never
installed, and a fair number of
ships crashed onto whatever
the lighthouse was supposed to
"Oh, the ships. Yes, I
thought I heard a bit of timber
collapsing, somewhat masking
th~ screams.
I didn't really
think much of it. l think I read
somewhere that seafruing is
sort of a risky business.
Excuse me though, I wa<> bu~y
researching."
The
sub-committee
representative didn't really
k~ow how to respond, so
di~'t.
He'd done his
~s!~ment
by
officially
v~sttmg, and wanted to get to
his plastic home early.
The autho1ities put the
statement on file. Since this
file was protected from those
who might misuse it, only l
person had access to it. For
extra security, this person was
locked in a padded cell and not
allowed contact with t11e
outside world.
A feature story in the
next issue of TI1e People's
Voice spoke of the auth01ities'
successes in the campaign to
make the island's coasts safor.
That, in the rnost
succinct of nutshells, is exactly
the matter at hand. One must
simply look about at the gothic
buildings, the smiling happy
students, the real sense of
COMMUNITY and FAMILY
here at Rhodes College in
order to confirm the utter
and veracity of this
The Rat's Ass is an open forum
for rhodes college students to unkink
their dreadlocks, unthink their buttocks
and get things off their chests. All
'
opinions expressed herein are strictly
those o~ th~ thieauthor, so don't slam us (or me, at
least) with hbel suits. All submissions
will eventually be published. Or
something.
�PERHAPS YOU 'VE
PASSIONATELY GENERIC .
l O TICED THE FRESHMAN
LASS .
WITH A LIMITED
PERHAPS YOU
IAVEN ' T .
APPLICANT POOL, THE
THEY BLEND IN
"DIVERSITY" OF THE CLASS OF,_... .
' ERY WELL, TOO WELL FOR.
HIS RHODENT'S TASTES .
IT'S
IOT EVEN SO MUCH THAT THEY
l ESEMBLE THE SOPHOMORES,
JUNIORS, AND SENIORS, IT'S
I HAT THEY RESEMBLE EACH
To A STRIKING
J THER .
l EGREE .
·~AKES
ALL THIS SIMILARITY
ME VERY NERVOUS .
AcTUALL Y, RHooEs
: HANGED THEIR ADMISSIONS
'"' OLICIES THIS YEAR .
THIS IS
r HE FIRST YEAR THAT
!\OMISSION TO THE COLLEGE
'99 IS ASTONISHINGLY LOW
(SURPRISE, SURPRISE, NO
ONE SAID RHODES WAS KNOWN
FOR ITS DIVERSITY) .
STUDENTS WHO THINK, DRESS,
AND TALK ALIKE .
M EANING THAT ADMISSIONS
M UMMY AND DADDY MAKE
B EFORE THEY DECIDE IF BABY
C AN COME .
THIS PRACTICE
U SED TO BE AGAINST THE LAW
( IT SOUNDS LIKE A FORM OF
DISCRIMINATION) BUT THE LAW
C HANGED, AND NOW IT'S A
PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
BEHAVIOR, LEGALLY SPEAKING .
THE PROBLEM IS THE
A PPLICANT POOL GETS
S MALLER . THEY CAN TELL US
ALL THEY WANT TO THAT
F INANCES REALLY DON'T
MATTER IN CONSIDERING A
S TUDENT FOR ACCEPTANCE,
B UT IF YOU BELIEVE THAT,
YOU PROBABLY DESERVE A
RHODES DIPLOMA .
AND l'LL
L EAVE YOU TO PONDER THE
RESULTS OF A SHRINKING
APPLICANT POOL (THINK OF
DARWINISM, GENE POOLS) .
fHE STUDENT BODY IS
C HANGING, AN EXPANSION OF
T HE CAMPUS'S COMFORTABLE
PASSITIVITY, A DISCERNIBLE
S HIFT TOWARD THE
THEY MAY BE TAKING
ALL THE MONEY THAT COMES
l'M
INTO THE SCHOOL (ANO THAT'S
BEGINNING TO SUSPECT A
PLOT
QUITE A LOT) AND BUILDING A
TO FURTHER INCREASE
BETTER, LESS IRRITATING
HOMOGENEITY ON CAMPUS.
CLASS GUARANTEED TO
AND I'M GETTING
PROMOTE A SANITIZED, SAFE
UNCOMFORTABLE .
' IAS BEEN NON-NEED-BLIND .
0 ETS TO SEE HOW MUCH
WAS IT
GREAT MINDS THAT THINK
ALIKE, OR SMALL ONES?
IMAGE OF RHODES .
IT COULD BE A
LIFE!
SOMETHING INCUBATING IN
ALWAYS LAUGHS AT THE
FOR YEARS (WHICH WOULD
VIEWBOOK .
EXPLAIN THE DEPARTMENT'S
NOTICED THOSE PICTURES
RHODES GROW IN STATURE AS
LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY
I
ACCURATE .
WE MUST STOP THESE
ARTS COLLEGE IN THE SOUTH .
EXPERIMENTS, STORM
AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE
FRAZIER-.JELKE AND DISCOVER
WORKING IN THE BIOLOGY
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON IN
DEPARTMENT REPORTS, "IT'S
THAT UNDERGROUND SCIENCE
POSSIBLE, THERE'S
CENTER, FINO THE WILD SEEDS
STOREROOMS THAT YOU JUST
IN THE CLASS OF
CAN'T GO INTO, UNLESS
AND KAREN
"MACKIN MAMACITA" HUEZO,
BIOLOGY MAJOR, SAID
"CLONING IS ENTIRELY
You KNOW,
RHODES IS ONE OF
I 7
UNDERGRADUATE SCHOOLS
'99 AND
PLANT THEM WHERE THEY'LL
YOU'RE SOMEONE REALLY
POSSIBLE .
AND WALKING
AROUND CAMPUS TODAY, I
GENEROUS BUDGET) TO HELP
SPECIAL .
THE ONLY PROBLEM
WITH THAT IS, EVERYONE
THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT
MBA-ORIENTATED LIBERAL
THEY'RE
BRINGING THE VIEWBOOK TO
CLONING EXPERIMENT,
THE MOST CONSERVATIVE,
Ul
Q)
c
GROW (HOPEFULLY AWAY FROM
THE RAT).
BEFORE THE
POWERS IN HALLIBURTON
TOWER START EXPERIMENTING
ON CURRENT STUDENTS,
ALTERING OUR MINOS TO MAKE
US FIT, TOO .
THAT OFFERS A COURSE ON
MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES, SO
IT WOULDN'T BE A LONG JUMP
FROM THERE TO THINK THEY
WERE CLONING STUDENTS
TOO ."
~
~
~
•'-'
.JUST A
400
GLANCE REVEALS
Here is a user-friendly guide to
the Rhodes campus for all the new
faces, and for those of you who
successfully used the summer to
black out all memories of our fine
campus .
Rhodes is an exotic place, full of
strange people, mysterious secret
passages , and a history that would
make Edgar Allen Poe horny .
Palmer Hall, that stately building
with the tower, was buiilt on a
Cigarette machines, candles.
Confederate graveyard. And on a
incense, loud parties, and condom
certain exterior wall of the New in the future.
machines are extinct.
Robinson dorm complex, a
friendly hrown s4uirrels . white male
de mented stone mason stuck a
For a list of things so common
administrators , hlack groundskeepers ,
bas-relief head instead of a stone.
you migh_ not even notice them,
t
housekeepers , and cafeteria workers
Rhodes is populated with ghosts.
see Chris Brown's Welcome to
\)v.-S':< ~~
Ask one of the theater people
JD 's P lantatio11.
- unpleasant experiences in the ti
3 . office.
about McCoy's tale of horror, or
L- '- ""'~ ,t<......_"ehi
find your way through the attic of
- Asking yourself "whv classes have
Glassell to a hidden cubby hole
25 SIUd' ,, ·
with one student's final message of
· · en ..~ lllstcad o r
_
for incoming freshman .
- Greek Letters
despair scribbled on the wall. Girls
in Bellingrath have been known to
- very few parking places
~
wake up feeling the presence of
someone in their bed.
- " Rush Is Right" humpcr stickers i::: w
...... 2:!
But as interesting a place as
~b~
When I came in as a transfer student two
>- ~....;
- A lihrary with very few hooks
Rhodes is, there are certain things
0 "fili
years ago, I felt after going through the
-o ·a:;
that you won't see very often . We
o~
elementary-like orientation , which was
..c:._.
would like to call your attention to
~ llJ
llJ ..c:
supposed to "introduce" me to the college,
all of Rhodes' endangered species ,
-..c:
didn ' t live up to its well intended purpose.
Have Fun
"[~;
because if you see one of these on
iThinking hack on my orientation
and Gain
our fine campus, you better take a
experience, the deficiency I found with it
picture for posterity's sake.
was that it wasn ' t from a student's
pcrs pccti ve.
•minority faculty
•Jewish faculty
To correct this prohlcm , I have com piled a
• minority administrators
list of phenomena which any student comes
across in her/his experience al Rhodes
•women administrators
College . Also , you should sec Ross ~4:
• humpbacked whales
Gohlikc' s Endanxerecl Sp ecies List for a ~ · ~
ulty who feel secure
• untenured fac
good list of things you won ' t sec at Rhodes
in their jobs
College.
• homosexuals
~
•white-spotted owls
"¢ ~
• dinosaurs
1ca Cl
- Every month, a strange man enters tJlC rat
• people who use public
~~
trying to sell long distance for AT & T.
transportation
• supporters of school sports
- The wrong last name on the doors of professors'.
ER: No, the ph rase "eternal torment"
teams
does not appear in the Bible.
· See for Yourself •.. Make Your Own Decision
AND HEY, BOOM-BOOM'S NOT
HERE.
BooM?
WHE~E's BooM-
~
~
~
~,
'-i;>
.'4 '.":_rj
~
:3'
s:::! ,
.....,.
V'.l '
~
.......
-.
~··
t:::r
V"_l
1~ ~ ~ ~
Popul~ty!'}:~ j
~
j Fs
~t.~·~
.
,S
- Doesn't the Bib\e speak of
"etema\ tonnent"1
�W~"'tC..."' ~
@,, D..-. ""-CA
Th Felt- ()()y 7
I
The dark smelltender made
use of his unusually wise-looking eyes
(which any smelltender worth his salt
gains after night-in, night-out of
listening to memory-dazed smelljunkies spilling their lives to an
attl•ntive man across the counter - - the
man whose presence becomes somehow
ll•ss a part of the now and more a part
of that world which is . . . well, I'll
call it the Smellfunk.
He is a
confidant and a lover to lost souls who
take their haven in the immediacy of
the magic smell-o-ramas.) to glisten
across the bar at a young businessman,
still fresh from work in a sensible dark
suit and optically enhanced neckpiece. The man had a look on his face
which told the smelltender volumes
about the man's situation and his
thoughts. His job. ft was almost
always their job, the suits, that is. At
first, he was living in a dream,
l'CStatic at the ease with which he
opened the world before him and
stepped into a powerful position with
a powerful company. Oh, could he
play the game. The dark smelltende~
glistened across the bar, amused with
his psychoanalysis. He constructed a
that
was
not
wholly
grin
unbenevolent, and gently yet clearly
formed the words, "Pick your poison."
The
young
businessman
shuffled uncomfortably on the stool,
utterly conscious of the tag on the back
of his brand-naml' undl•rwt•ar and the
comml·nls he was sure to receive from
his wifr when she saw that he had
hl'l'll at the smell-o-rama for the third
lime this Wl'l'k. You sec, she always
k1ww. The smclltender noticed the
man's discomfort and set him at ease
with a heart-wrenching smile of
• kind1wss, then boomed, wholly too
loud considering the small distance
Lwtween the two, "Come on, boy, spit it
out."
"Early eighties, please.
want booming business. I want cocaine.
I want conservatism. Dammit, l want
Ronald
Reagan!"
The young
businessman had blurted the words
before he considered what the
-
smelltender might think. He had been led by
an amazing feeling of anticipation which the
.:> melltender was so fond of producing in his 1
customers (not without the aid of a small dab
of Eau d' Anticipation that he occasionally
dripped throughout the bar and sometimes just
outside the bar on windless days), to a state of
mind which made him completely forget his ..J-.,.-ll'±!:iictl~
position in every realm of his life and others,
that is, except that tag on his underwear and
the fact that he wanted more than anything
in life or death to enter Smellfunk, and to do it r.lll~lll
NOW.
The smelltcnder was in motion before
the man had finished speaking. He had
turned around to face row after row of
colorfully labeled and packaged bottles (the
creative marketing of which the businessman
would usually have mentally commented
upon, but not just now) and bent down to open a
Plumbing
USED CONDOMS Hundreds of
styles, colors, nb configs etc. Some
used only once. Convenient E Colfax
location.
by S.Joviall
" Help' "
wife cries to husband
--·
" I' ve dropped my small liberal arts college ~ BORED cou..hEGNE ~ 1~'u524 Hours
W
T o M eec You Rig t ow. a
d own the sink while washing my hands."
anc
""'~ 1
husband ambles in
/
~
fetches monkey wrench
)
'
crouches beneath the smk
/
empties the contents of the pipe:
) l4 '
"()
a 1975 nickle
a hairpin
17 antelope skulls
and a great sleepy black bear
"' )1.,,,1"J
J
the bear rubs his eyes
awakened from a long winter's nap,
sez "If you are looking for the
small liberal arts college,
you ' re too late, I'm afraid
..,.
it is already deep within the bowels of the plumbing. __
.>• i
~ ~- ·
R......,ToOonge
Emergency Lining •
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 23, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from August 23, 1995. On the front page Martin Fox and Stay Joviall discuss the matter of anti-matter. Ross Gohlke creates a user-friendly guide to Rhodes College. Chris Brown tells us his experience of being a transfer student. On the last page Stay Joviall calls for help!
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, Stay Jovial, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown, Dave Sears, Laurie Sansbury
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/29c4a2deff9c4ad7cf00da91a3c5c752.pdf
bf8716168a88713ecee90830e4631757
PDF Text
Text
'•
A Dialogue
Angry Reader:
I FIND THE RAT's Ass™
FRIVILOUS, OB.JECTIONABLE AND OBSCENE .
WHY DO YOU FORCE ME TO READ
11?
Rat's Ass™ Spokesperson: First of all it
is very difficult for the composers of
the Rat's Ass™ to acknowledge the
existence of other people, much less
attach any importance to their
opinions. Those we do acknowledge
we see as purely for our
entertainment, and take great
pleasure inwatching them squirm.
As a matter of fact I feel as if
I'm engaging in a conversation with
myself right now. Your own
weakness forces you to read it. We
have ceased hiring thugs to increase
our circulation, although it is
commonly brought up in the
meetings of our cabal.
A
BEAUTY!
c!lra.1/
A.R.:
l'M SPEAKING TO A PERVERTED BUTT-
PIRATE WHO IS FOND OF LITTLE BOYS!
Narrator: The Angry Reader is reduced
to Nothingness, and restored as a
donkey testicle with a slightly angrier
voice.
A.D.T.:
<MUFFLED> WHAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM? I'M NOW ENCLOSED IN A
A.R.:
BUT WHAT OF JOURNALISTIC
SCROTUM!
RESPONIBILITY TO THE COMMUNITY?
R.A.™S.P.: Are you not listening? We
don't recognize Community as an
operative concept. Especially not
capitalized. Our responsibility is to
the Rat's Ass™, except some of us,
who place their dedication in deitites
of our own creation.
R.A. ™S.P.: You are asking about my
concern for your opinions? I can take
you more seriously in your current
form.
A.D.T.:
I OB.JECT TO YOUR USE OF THE
ADVERTISEMENTS FROM Goo-FEARING
TIMES, TO YOUR AVANT-GARDE
TYPOGRAPHY, AND TO THE PORNOGRAPHY
A.R.:
WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS NEGATIVE CRAP
ABOUT Goo?
IT'S OBVIOUSLY .JUST A
BUNCH OF SHIT.
CONTAINED IN YOUR PUBLICATION.
IT'S
KIND OF NICE IN HERE.
WE ALL KNOW THE
TRUTH.
R.A.™S.P.: Blasphemous Bastard. Are
you aware to whom you are
speaking?
Narrator: Rat's Ass™ Spokesperson
giggles at the squirming sack, and
destro s it a ain.
GO!!
�WHAT TH£ SCIENTISTS HAVE
A Response To Red·emption - hy: chris hrown
For (the son
<1f) 111<11111111.1 he
·1
TO~ .
Sheepish Logarhythm
slain
by Stay Joviall
S11LL Loo King 4 a savior - save your (asS)
Rhythm: metrical movement or flow
as detennined by the recurrence of
features of the same kind fr. L
rhythmus or F. rhythme -Gr.
rhuthm6s, rel. to rhein flow. (_
it is so easy to criticize a stranger: a nigger, a jaw, an addict.
ReCkLEss Youth : LoSTsOUL
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
THe knowledge <faged hones they know not (sigh)
The following excerpt from Gregor Samsa's
journal is to be used for our next class
1 meeting as a paradigm of Animistic Butter
Fluttonizationism. Please come to class
• ..._~ prepared to discuss the sex, gender, and
object choice implications of a functiona l
and a p riori deconstructive reading of this
text in Sanskrit.
"Tching prayed on the mountain and
wrote MAKE IT NEW
on his bathtub.
Day by day make it new
cut underbrush
pile the logs '
keep it growing."
-Ezra Pound, Cantos #53
Will you let
me be
YouR saViOuR?
Fill you with (a) LI {F} E ..
L.L.I
Q..
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOG
OGOGO!
c:::> I
::C
Maybe it was my fault. I mean, I was the one that got
.- ~p and put on all black. l pulled my hair up into a bun
~
antj put o n my most serious face before I stepped out
c:::> of the house. I suppose, though, that my first
encounter with small Japanese children has since
shaped my later encounters ...some warped kiddie
hermeneutic. Akiko-chan, my ho st-sister's friend,
came to the house for the sole purpose of viewing me.
Herro ... Look at her hair ' And her while ski11. Gosh,
she really is a gaiji11. Listen to her ji11111y
accent... make her sc~v more ...That was manageable
because Akiko-chan was so cute. Then her three yearold sister peered ·around the corner to see me. She
c:::C flattened herself against the far wall and edged
towards me. I smiled and she wailed . I felt like
Medusa. She cried for ten minutes, unable to leave the
room o r listen to her mother, who also came to view
me, as she tried to give her a cookie and quiet her I
couldn't leave the room, because I would have scared
her to death had I moved an inch. So I sat at the table,
miserable, because I caused the nervous breakdown of
a small child.
As you read these words
'
my existence is propelled.
CAN
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
oWN
you
go gou pt. went, pp.gone twalk·
move along, proceed. OE.gan, pr~.
ga,gcest, pl.gap, ppgegan + OFris.
gan, gen, pres. 3sgget(h),geith, pp.
gen, OS. -gan, inful/gan accomplish
(Du.gaan), OHGgan pres.gam,
gas, gat, games, gat, gant, andgen,
pres. f!em, ges, etc. (Ggehen), CrimGothicgeen (not in the Gothic of
?
Wulfila).
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOG
OGOGO!
taff Box
Jay Witherspoon: soap
Ann Mccranie: towel
Dave Sears: toothpaste
Chris Brown: shaving cream
Martin Fox: razor
Stay Joviall: water
The Rat's Ass is a student-produced
publication planted among the many
others on this campus by unseemly
and manipulative powers greater than
all of us. There are no restrictions
on what is published, and should
you be offended by its contents,
take issue with the staff and anticipate certain morphological/animalislic transformations occurring.
Have a nice day.
9l&ll
AGENTS,COME and EXA~flNl~
I
An Invent!on urgently ne_ded by every body, or sample•
e
eent free by mail for 50 els., which retail• for $G ea•lly, by
R. L. WOLCOTT, No. 170 Chatham &1unre, N. Y. .
Then came the hordes of little children that I passed
everyday. They all wear the cutest little unifom1s, but
don't let anybody tell you that uniforms create a wellbehaved child. As I sat down one day in the park
reading an assignment, two little girls approached me
and pulled at my hair. They were obviously not
frightened. I turned around and after a moment's
hesitation, ate them both They were quite tasty, but I
would say that in picking out small children, footwea r
should be given the utmo st attention
eE~\!;~~~
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M1m~l~sNEEDts_~
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<-"7:!';<
0
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1 01
tJ,., ' 'J\,U'
Subscribe for GO Sanitary Commission Pack~s, and
get 1 No. 6 American Album Watch Free. Total, $15.
100 Pacbgcs, $25-1No.10 A. A. Wa;ch and 50 Phot0graphs Free. Every Package con;a1ns ~O Rare Cnrio•itios of Art, nsefal to all, and mil ea81ly pay 500
p•ir cent.- to Agents. Eve.r y Soldier, Patriot, Lady, or
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ls
p 0 ,t-paitl hy R~t.nru Mail. Sond Stamp for Oal~!ogno.
_ B. WESTBROOK &
J,
100 Spring-St., N. Y•.
po.,
Fat Boy Feigns ti!.'liet in the Humor of Absurdity:
A Pen;onohty Te<! •
by Jay Witherspoon
9
What type ot personality do you have?
Tdon't know.
b) Ask my genetalia.
c) Get ott my case, you sack of ... (caustic slur ot
choice)!!!
d) IJoo-doo balls.
e) Youtl'llme.
a)
What does the word ;;undulate" remind you of?
a) Mom.
b) Hey, look!! I formed a tent-like structure in my
pants!!
c) Smegma.
What would you do in the event of thermonuclear war?
a) Stock up on creamed corn. I love creamed com.
b) Get wasted.
c) Dt·creasP in mass.
d) NUfHING.
e) Phlegm.
What do you bt·lieve to be the worst problem
with tht• world today?
a) I just can't get close to someone when they
smel I.
b) I cannot reconcile my belief in a benevolent,
omnipotent Creator with my longing for the
carnal pleasures of creamed com.
c) Everyone in the world should be more like me.
d) Undulation.
e) My sack is caught in my zipper!!l!!i!!!!!
What articles are in your pockets right now?
I lw elixir of everlasting orgasm and about
thirty-seven cents in change.
b) My booger collection.
c) Hey, my Rocket's in there!
J) You think I carry a newspaper around in my
pants?
l') Why don' t you come over here and find out?
<1)
i
~ ·~
J~i~
•.
' li A~.
··ti
CQ11
..
What is your favorite name for excrement?
a) Mom.
b) Brown creamed corn.
c) This question.
d) Television.
e) I allow my teces to name themselves.
1 think you are nice. Do you like me, too?
a) Eat my brown creamed com, spunky.
b) You do have a superb foreskin.
c) Is this a trick question, huh? What do you
want from me, freak?
What do you think about the following poem?
Hmmm
Ahhhh
I like to
run my fingers
through the gauntlet
that is my crotch.
And speak to him
in perfect Italiano.
a) Would someone mind telling me what the
hell is going on?
b) It is a childish attempt at humor, and the
author should attempt to gain some sort of
literary ability before he insults my
intelligence again.
c) HaHaHaHa. He's talking to his pecker!!
RESULTS:
You are weird.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 8, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 04
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from September 08, 1995. The front page of this issue features a debate between an angry reader named 'Angry Reader' and the Rat's Ass Spokesman names 'Rat's Ass Spokesperson.' Stay Joviall tells us 'What The Scientists Have To Say.' On the last page Jay Witherspoon talks about the Humor of Absurdity.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Javiall, Ann McCranie, Jhay Witherspoon
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/7e6d95e8615f320f850502a0176c1fcd.pdf
47c911d17217ea1ce29038310523fc37
PDF Text
Text
Fecal Material Saves Lives: Doo your
'I
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
"Pickin' up hitchhikers"
p~
29-SJ.<...
STOBJ
fisticuffs
Tyson ain't Shit
your friendly neighborhood tom logue
I by
The munnur of the crowd grew to a dull roar as the sound of the bell
pierced the muggy air in the stadium. The fight was on! This was
it, rumored to be the biggest fight of the year, and there were bets
from here to Buenos Aires on it. On the left, Civility, wearing red
shorts and weighing in at 595 pounds. On the right, Morality, in
blue and a trim 340 pounds. They closed in, and Civility rumbled,
"Be nice to that Rhodent! So what if he's annoying and likes to talk
about his SAT scores? Try to see things from his point of view;
maybe he's just feeling insecure." Morality blocked this easily -he had seen it coming a mile away. The response: "But by being nice
to him even though I despise him, I am being untrue to myself, and
since the only truth I know is my own subjective truth, I am conunitting NoTIOK.-Oddo·1L11d·End1ot nm1uN
the worst crime of all!" Civility's head whipped back, a fine spray of · · :· · · ·· ".·:~ · ·· · ··
blood flying from the nose, as the blow almost knocked him to the
,
ground. Collecting his wits, he tried a quick jab: "The only way to
~
get ahead in life is to show respect to others so that they will do the ,
./ ,
same to you." Morality sidestepped, then rushed forward and delivered
~
c:
z
a punch to the stomach, "By respecting everyone on the same level
regardless of their actions, you demean yourself, deceive the other
- ~
c:
person, and denigrate the concept of respect. Like that pompous prof
you always smile and nod to because otherwise he'll fail you." Civility
~
teetered, his torso bright red from the blow and the blood dripping
down from his face, and drew his hands in front of his face in defense.
.
"The bible says to love thy neighbor!" Morality stepped back, dodged
the wild swing, and didn't even bother to respond. It was obvious his
opponent was faltering, and he had some pity. But Civility tried to
continue: "I was taught to be polite, and I'm going to be polite! How
would you like it if everything in life were based on people's actual
opinions of each other? And shouldn't you have some consideration
for the feelings of others, huh, Morality?" The sarcasm in this last
question caused a rush of anger to our blue- clad hero, and he spun
around one last time, lightning- fast, with "I'm just here for a few
years, and i'm useless to myself and everyone else if all i do is bend
to the whims of others. I'm not going to waste my breath being nice
to assholes just to avoid offending them." Morality stood back and
watched Civility spin around in the ring before falling to the ground.
And as the ann of Morality was raised triumphantly into the air, the
Rhodes student walked around with a silly grin on his face, flicking off
everyone who said hi to him.
And he felt good.
•
An~over is better than ·none .when the tall out rams down
=
,...
=
·...
ANYONE
F0~1 · ~
ANYTHING?~
,.,.
�THE RAT' S
Ass,,.
.. -11111.-.---·
Lack
IS A THERAPEUTIC METAPHOR
OF METAMUNICIPAL MATRIMONY HARMONIZED IN
THE INT£REST OF THE GREATEST POSSIBLE GOOD.
by Davicl Scars
OPINIONS AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, OUR SPECIALTIES,
STEM PURELY FROM THE UMBIC SYSTEMS OF
THEIR RESPECTIVE AUTHORS, SO IF YA BY
CHANCE TAKE OFFENSE AT DA KONTEHTS,
SETTLE
rr WITH
THE INDIVIDUAL. AND GET A
LIFE.
\lttaatllf BllOOXX
. JJ Evon•
J 1ney Witherap<>On ' Druuunond
w·11·
s
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lll
l
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Dove
Lo111ont Sonford.
RAmt s: '
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D. • l'4
Geo-rge J e££ereon
To111 Logu~' n .J Hus:to'ble
l t K.101re ' I'Ul y
1' oneJ . ll s Fot Albert
Stoy
I 23·. s.
;;r:f
10
FEELIN' REAL
BY JHEY WITHERSPOON
~·
(I'
1.
'
~ ~·~
·~
CONFINED ·1 .sHErr£f :\ . ·: eriiif
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.· ' .
·:~·•• ~
!. :1';·1
TRI~ ollT ;·/!. .
DECONTAMINATE
' .. '
·
· ·· · · ·; .. -- · AS FALLOUT COOLS OFF a1 1rad1fahon decr~a!~d
nd
you can safely leave s 1e ter or 1
onge1
LEAVE SHELTER
eriods. Chart is based on fallout that,
wh~n f~sh emits 6,000 roentgens per hour.
•
I
I
Q)
MUST HAVE BEEN A SCREAMING DEE.JAY .
IT IS OFTEN VERY DISORIENTING WHEN MY SENSES GET SWITCHED AROUND AND REWIRED,
BUT BECAUSE I WAS TAUGHT FROM A VERY EARLY AGE THAT EVERY ll-tlNG IS
ALL
RIGHT EVEN IN
STATES OF UTTER CONFUSION, I AM ALWAYS ABLE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETiiER AND GO wm-1
WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN ME,
I TURNED MY HEAD DOWNWARD AND LISTENED TO THE FLAT, RELAXING BASS TiiAT WAS MY
ROOM.
I
TI-lEN TURNED OFF MY ALARM BY LOCATING THE STRONGEST POINT OF LIGHT IN THE
IT WAS A CAR COMMERCIAL :
RED AND ORANGE SPLASHES SMACKING MY RETINAS INTO
CONSUMER SUBMISSION .
AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK WHICH ALWAYS ACCOMPANIES SENSORY SWITCHING, I DECIDED
.JUST TO EN.JOY TI-lE MUSIC THAT MY BODY MADE ,
Cf)
E'
t
-.J
.-
:'5"
0
~I
c
'>.... :::s
~
I snacl. on the remains as I re~lize
is happening
DANK NOTES AND HARMONIES FILLED MY EARS AND EVEN SPILLED INTO MY ·
OLFACTORY ORGANS, SO TiiAT I SMELLED MY MOTION AND TASTED TiiE TANTALIZING FUNK OF MY
ANATOMY'S GROOVE.
I DECIDED TO SKIP SCHOOL TiiAT DAY .
I WATCHED MUSIC AND HEARD MYSELF FUCKING GET DOWN.
sumptuous shakin and rump bass bumpin toothu light wave wawa
rolling round happy slappin sippin the fly fluid funky GET DOWN
bright night light shinin sweet feet steppin out, damn/ I
swingin hard feelin far, notes slippin drippin off my arm
can't stop body flop singin dreamin 'bout the world
and feel so real. I feel so FEEL/ so I wow down round the sound
to eat up motion mangoes and stare at caca congas
that came to flop top dibby on the flip bap shimmy
blap lam goddam, grip this jimmy.
now sounds found a town round and down spin around.
I found. I sound. I am music.
.
Wi~'1'
.
l
.
.
--
····
wJ1at
NOTfl!ING, lmt it is awefufly pleasant
·Sometimes, he dreams that
he marches, and
in between the locksteps,
daydreams and remembers
scents and touches, soft light
a dripping, and po.Jka-dots
glittering and mask-like
askew glances at ephemera
clattering and reptilian
balanced or serene
wonderment over nothing
the melting of ice, because it fits,
and pieces of someone's hair,
shuttered and lacking
or maybe just in the wav.
o.oe Star Deer
I sceaJ T ·shuts
I like the smell
ot rnurs
ther remind me
when 1· m alone.
Ifell asleeyrhe first time
in a blur o white .
primed words were
jibberish in mydaze,
J
Sometimes, he's eavesd ropped
on towns or docks,
sticky, or sprawHng
imderlining the important bits.
COAGULATE!!!
Sometimes, he'd be magnanimous,
wishing for some old mao
..
or gamepekes worn with use
often shrill, but never unfogged
a has-been, admiring ether
coalesced into invisibility,
and spinning headlong,
heated and wary
supposedly yellow or perhaps white
· a number of forgotten momenta
•weathered loose, rotting
and rarely escaping their targets,
with promise and fortitude
crumbled and delayed
into a heap of smelly metaphor.
U!~iiii\\\\'l•}•··~· ..
We got spirit!
Yes, we do!! We got spirit! How 'bout you!!
Cracked . dry hands
on my forehead .
I cutt' t geuhe Clash
out of mv stereo
or you out of my head .
FEELING MY LIMBS AS I WALKED AROUND TiiE
ROOM WAS SOMETHING LIKE PLAYING RHYTI-lM GUITAR .
THEN I DANCED.
NORMAL LIFE
)on er
THIS MORNING, MY CLOCK RADIO AWAKENED ME Wini A BURST OF INTENSE LIGHT TiiAT
FLOOR .
E
-Ramt Oxinf
ovsA
cj~'* iL :
-t~·~· · ~
· :. .,.: ·
1
,
L 3 · .~
2
:1 .· .;,"·· 4·.< 'ii~ WEEKEj]a .
·, c
HOURS[U]
'"
0)
Q)
!Sometimes
i
T J1e furniture sits very still aga.inst the walls
N o ex11rcssiou Jies in t he grains of any piece
The persistent ringing mutilates silence
Memo1·ies of similar scenes linger
Patternecl emotions thrust tlirougl1 the
a6nospl1ere into my ln·aiu
Intense delusions proc
luce powe1·ful
sensations of clelight
I know it was cold then
I heard people walking
by outside .
but 1' m not bald anymore
andvouactuallybeiieYe
I m 'a girt.
'
\Vhen I met you yesterday .
YOU swum
d o'ie
,
ihroug h the chick.
air.
in
Burring myfoce
into the thin cloth
of vour shitt
the salty dampness
seeps through to m sbn.
r
I' l1 neYer get the Clash
It's 3:15 a.m.
Where is your fungus?
om of mv stereo.
�SEASIDE.-
07.0NE I
OZO:m I OZONE: I
T l1t1,0 • h'lY-l11• la J orhrnthnlr,,,.1ftn<1• ··f•1'.l•1,,,,1.J A',.ll·•r.1 I
11·.."'uOt•ll ol Tilr.f l"'"ur u ... r<1r<1m1n<!a•"''' Ln r •ko ~h., U'nl1
lt11.11, •• to bf-h11•l o1_!f, ~t on,\~•nr.1.~ HoT~r.,
i°"
~l. L1uirr('ll("l .. llll · l~·:1, 1~1~ o! 1 ·~ ·111rt.
Tock Sat on a Raft In a Sea of Rats
1n~~r~ 4~~'!~tt0,..~~~:,f 1 ~':.;'!~~,~~~·H••.·1.,• In &iu1 .llu~J l\re ril'tl.1m
by stay jovinll
And Tick looked on from the shore,
helpless as a buttonless stopwatch;
Tock wailed lonely
and Tick remained,
cutting himself with the past.
Tock called out "Surprise will fall through your f~ce.
with the sound of rotten mellon nppmg
when your money-changer's tables
are overturned in the temple
of Eternal Now
by the push of a simple mirror,
and yet still,
you will remain oblivious
and I will be the victim ..."
--
So there's a bald guy. And
people keep telling him how
bald he is. So he has "I
know" tattooed on his scalp.
People now tell him there's
something written on his
forehead. "Really?" he says.
"I 'II be damned." And he
was right. No matter what he
did, he WAS damned. So he
went around in a devil
costume, damning himself all
day long. "Damnit" he would
say. "Damn me to hell."
Nobody told him he was bald
anymore, because what if he
were Satan? When he died,
he went to hell, damnit. And
the autopsy was perfonned on
his costumed former self. A
clumsy new a<;sistant dropped
formaldehyde on him.
·."_;~
/\1 /: .,-
(5:::;:c
, ._ ~-~ .•\1
/~~~pS~~t,~fted· th"e .cJumsy
new assistant. Down m hell
was felt a cold splash on the
legs. It assuaged the intense
pain. "Don't worry" said the
head mortician. "I don't think
he knows you spilled that
formaldehyde on him." A
chuckle. Then the head
mortician went to the head of
the table to examine the head
of the dead satan-likc man.
He was aghast, and lost his
head. "You're fired" he told
the clumsy new assistant. "I
know" replied the newly
homeless fired man. "I'm on
fire" said the knowledgeable
man in his new home.
"You're homeless for a
reason," said the businessman
to the homeless man.
,
"You're on. fire for a reason"
said the knowledgeable man'
to the newly arrived
businessman. "What's the
reason?" screamed the blazing
businessman in crazed
confusion. "It's none of my
business." He was of course
being coy. He knew.
'
MANUAL ALPHABET
LEARN TO TALK TO \'OUR FRIENDS
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 6, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 8, 1995. On the front page Tom Logue discusses on why we should be a Friendly Neighborhood. Jhey Witherspoon tells us why he skipped school. Ramt Oxinf talks about his daydreams. On the last page D.C. Drake tells us a story about a balm man who went around damning people.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Jhay Witherspoon, Ramt Oxinf, David Sears, Stay Joviall, Planet Klaire, D.C. Drake
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/eb3d0e130196672276fbe255f0427bc4.pdf
04af5a3e4b140d1ae3a575d49d43a7e0
PDF Text
Text
which declare that things
our sensory organs are
totally incapable of
reg~stering are things
~h1ch do not exist; that
1. The New Way has
1s, t~e New Way is
written its manifesto in a agamst assuming that we
language which does not
are equipped with
utilize prepositionallvsensory organs which in
circumscribedspatiality
prin~iple can perceive al I
(e.g~ , "what's going
that 1s perceivable.
on?", "what's it all
9. The New Way is in
about?").
favor ?f HappySoft
2. The New Way
Sunshme Love Bunnies
endorses products which
and the violence at the
were not produced and
core of even the most
are uncomsumable; the
gentle child.
New Way is not against
10. The New Way
and not for consumer
supports novel octaves
reaction against the mass of Orange and dark
production of Truth and
imbroglios of Purple.
Reality.
11. The New Way is in
3. The New Way
favor of redefining the
encourages apprehending word "definition."
Reality like a felon and
12. The New Way
doing so in a
'
re~nds us that the High
conceptual/linguistic
Pnest of Poetry is Miles
framework which
Davis, and that Ham/et
operates primarily in the
was written by a finite
square root of the 5th
number of monkeys.
dimension and the -2nd
dimension, rather than in 13. Th~ New Way's
mantra 1s not "GO!", but
the usual three.
rather "go ... ".
4 ·The New Way is
better than the Old Way.
5. The New Way is
radically opposed to
conceptually subsuming
the idea of "thouoht"
under the idea 0 {
"I anguage."
6 ·The New Way is in
favor of transcending
both subjectivity and
objectivity; the New Way
o_ poses all apparent
p
epistemological limits
which are a function of
arbitrarily predicated
rationalities.
7 ·The New Way is a
way for the people.
._
~·The New Way resists' · .
mterpretations of Reality ;:~' .
The Knew Weigh
by Stay Jov iall
~$1\tf.il~)~"~~
�,,JhL
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
STOBJ
Tooty Fruity
~o experience with metaphorically eating a banana i
the other night, and
wa~ kind of stumped, s~ i
even in my dream i could
tried rubbing it against my
tell it wasn't a normal
ear and jumping on it but
dream. ·it was an allegory.
t<? no avail · then th~ banana
i knew because I am still
sighed and murmured "he'll
getting flashbacks from
never get it." well, i was
taught never to let a banana
A Pilgrim's Progress.
Anyway, in this dream i
~e condescending to me, so
was really hungry, and
i walk~d over to some guy
had been for a long time.
conveniently placed in the
then i opened my backpack
c<?rn~r of my dream and asked
and inside was a banana,
him if he wanted to buy the
filling the dark interior
Banana of Enlightenment
with an almost glistening
he said sure, but that he
yellow. i was going to
only had 15 cents. i took the
think, 'you know, bananas
money and handed him the
shouldn't be this bright,'
banana, and then went to a
but couldn't because it
g7ocery store that have those
wasn't really significant
little machines in the front
to the allegory, so instead and bought myself a really
i thought, 'wow, i've been
colorful hi-bounce ball and
carrying this around the
an adorable plastic ring.
whole time and didn' t even
they make me happy.
know it!' and then the
but i still think it's .neat
banana spoke to me, which
:hat the s<?urce of all truth
i knew was strange but didn't >resented itself to me in
want to tell the banana that. .he form of a phallic symbol.
tom logue
the banana said "peel me,"
so i did, and all of a sudden
everything was filled with
the purest and brightest
light i had ever seen, nay,
experienced in my life. the
banana looked like it was
golden. i was kind of
freaked out, because i knew
eating gold was bad for you,
but remembered it was just a
dream. and then, before i
could do anything else, the
banana commanded me again:
"eat me." well, what do you
tell a golden banana? i
raised it to my mouth and
it almost screamed "no, no,
you dumbass! that was meant
metaphorically, remember this
is an ALLEGORY. " well, having
...,~
IMHO all networds are
stupid. A netword is a word
frequently used in Internet
lingo. Nctword is a
netword, and I hate
networds. Other words that
I don't care to mention. Likt.
Internet, WWW, cyber-,
netiquette. FYI, I work on
the Internet everyday ; ) I
know networds, I know
nctiquette. I hate it. HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN FLAMED
BY SOMEBODY WHO
UI'
llY TllE
~
1I
·
~~~'~~:~:~::~::~ion Age, ~~
E N l·..\I Y
" Ahhh!, what a
pleasant afternoon!", thought
Ed to himself. A wonderfully
refreshing breeze would slide
by every now and then as he
strolled boldly along the
highway leading to the local
bar. He was conducting
conversation with himself as he
usually did when he was alone.
It provided him with what he
referred to as 'stable
feedback' . His therapist tried
upon many occasions to
convince him that he had
multiple personalities but he
insisted that he had only one
personality containing two
distinct perspectives. He
found this extremely
convenient because he could
always consult himself for
another viewpoi nt. His steps
were firm and deliberate, for
he was ovenvhelmcd with
confidence as he made his way
'
to The Pleen(the local bar).
Sometimes he would give
himself poor advice but
, ,.- ·
noticed that it worked in cycles
, I
and that good advice was
--" '· . \
certain to follow these periods.
/
\ '··1,,
Yesterday he was in his private
;
lab when he got the glorious
I
idea to rid himself of that
/
horridly annoying step-son of /
his. He whipped up a lethal
/
substance that would be close i
to impossible to trace. After ( · )
consulting himself he spik~ \ , ________/
the glass which he had decided
his step-son would sure to
drink from but to his surprise
it was his wife who consumed
it and croaked shortly after. It
was terribly unfo11unate, he
killed his wife and still had to
deal with that insane little
bastard. It was quite possibly
the worst decision he had ever
made. Looking on the
positive side of l~lC !nci~e~1t, he
was incapable ot n11sgu1dmg
himself today. So he pedalled
/
-
NETWORDS WON'T GET.
,
The info b a h n h as enough of
that as it is.
l·.f\;l ·. :\ llE S S ll ,\1.1. NOT LEAVE IN TllEE ONE sruNE Ul'ON A NOTllE!t" : E TllEl.l.IEl(S CllUHClf , HI.OWN
·~
THINKS THEY ARE
COOLER THAN YOU
BECAUSE THEY SPEND
ALL THEIR TIME SITTING
IN FRONT OF A
1 ~
·
COMPUTER LIKE I DO,
·~
,_,
AND THAT GIVES THEM
....
THE RIG HT TO SCREAM
~
AT YOU BECAUSE THEY
KNOW MORE ABOUT
NETIQUETTE? DO YOU
FEEL LIKE I'M
SCREAMING AT YOU
RIGHT NOW? ACTUALLY
l'M JUST WRITING. If you
ever decide to start your
own Internet consulting
firm, Web design firm, or
"'~
access provider please, as ~. . , _t_i,,:,i~.l,j
<
1...... . .....~1
most people seem inclined \'ih<:;/Bv
futuristic-sounding made-up
word like cyberlink,
netscape or vantck 8 ( And
if you ever develop a FAQ
for people to learn
something, don't call it a
FAQ (FGS - that stands for
For God's Sake, and I just
made it a netword : )THE
BOTTOM LINE IS, IF YOU
KNOW NETWORDS (AS
EVERYONE SHOULD)
DON'T USE THEM TO SAY
. THINGS NOBODY WHO
DOESN'T KNOW
T lll N E
by Dave Sears
NO NETWORDS. KNOW NETWC :'DS
by ross gohlke
more story at a lower price! see inside for details!
! was having a dream
lumsell along, watclung the
cars increase in speed as they
.
.approached J1im. In the
distance he could sec a human
or something stretched across
the ground. He pedalled faster
lo satisfy his curiosity. A
teenage boy lie on the ground
exhibiting some very odd
behavior. His body alternated
between catatonic episodes and
inch worm like movements.
Ed was bafl1ed at this sight and
began to speak with himself
about this display.
"This is rather peculiar, what
do you make of this here
Pecauw
"Pickin' up hitchhikers" 14-0CT-1995 07:46:23.01
·,
; ..
.
'/
'
.'
·!
.··
)
.,·
i ..·' '
....
.'
/
/
/
scene. So he continued hi ~
walk to gel a beer which he
needed more than ever nm\
was still about 15 minutes
away by ftx)L He spoke wi ,
himself some more to pass 1
time more quickly.
"What was wrong with that
lad. That crazy bastard wa ~
yanking his body apart."
"I would assume that he wa
111 a bad mood or somclhin:
"WIIAT!! That was a little
more extreme than a bad
mood. fic' s probahly back
there ripping the rest of
Lad."
himself lo pieces."
'Tm not sure I know what
1-Ie was abou{ to pass a little
your talking about."
residential area that didn't
"Arc you not aware of this lad look inviting. Again to his
here before us doing crazy
surprise a nice gentlemen
things with his body?"
approached him .
"I don't see a boy before us" "Whazup bro? "
The boy then began to foam
The man lhrOw his hand out
heavily from the mouth and
for a little friendly shake. 01
proceeded to rip his fingers.
side of his jacket opened
off one by one. He threw Ins slightly so that Ed noticed
fingers at Ed's face landing
some gold watches and a bag,
one right in his ear. The
of sugar.
exposed knuckle tic*d the
"Say mayne, you'awnt need
inside of his ear and sent a
keep better track yourself, ol,
chill throughout his body.
boy here take care ya"
"Alright, you've got a serious ''I'm not certain what your
fucking problem if you don't asking me."
feel this dismembered finger
"I hear ya bro, looking for ;;
in our ear"
little pecauw"
"Actually I was kidding with The meu whipped out the
you. I noticed this boy on the plastic bag of sugar. Ed
ground all along. I didn't
thought to himself, "Am I
expect him to start flinging his running low on sugar? I
fingers at us though."
wonder if this fellow is .
The boy had exhausted his
offering a good deal."
supply of fingers on his left
A police officer was driving
hand and moved on to his
by, stopped, cuffed the man
toes. Ed realized it was
and hauled him off before b
probably time to exit the
could even find out how mut
he was charging.
"That's really unfortunate, I
guess its illegal tu sell sugar
without a proper license, wlwi
do you think"
"I think your a moron. Thai
man was not selling sugar"
He ignored himself for the n:
of the journey. All he really
wanted at this point was to ha
a beer but unfortunately the
bar was closed by the time he
got there .
He began to walk back only 1
realize that his imagination IL
gotten the best of him today.
He had been sitting on his
couch all along planning a tri
to the bar.
�Unrelated Titl e:
Everything is Related
TO GOTO HELL
by Jay-baby Withe rsp oon
Do nothin~! .You 've already done enough! "For the
wages of sm is death ;" Romans 6 :23a .
As I walke d down the street, I noticed something at my feet. I 1irst
looked around, and then back down. It was furry and cute, and nestled right
up to my boot, until I squashed its cute little furry face with my big-ass steeltoed boot, and mashed it with my heel a little more to make sure that every
last rhyme oozed out of its fluffy little cute furry face, and then I picked it up
and ate it just to spite its memory. It tasted cute.
And then, as I stepped around the next corner, which a few days
earlier, unbeknownst to the reader of this sentence or the coroner's office
around a different corner, had been the location of swirling winds, I spied
with an acute eye, trained through years of imaginary wanderings through
the hallowed temples of nonsensical clauses, and still quite unbeknownst to
the coroner's office, a sight which called forth in my mind, most hallowed in
its hallowing of frightening experiences, oh dear God, I am afraid of this
sentence, a beast not nearly so calm and cuddly as the afore-mentioned,
which now being quite squashed into a pulp whose uneaten parts remains
untouched to this day in the office of our hallowed coroner, who still does
not know his own sphincter from a black hole, but a beast with a frightful
gown of black and a flat hat and large teeth and wide mouth, staring straight
into my eyes, looking for its next witless victim. But I busted his shit up, too.
Whap! Poweel I said. Blom! and Kershmack! And I took my big-ass boot
and, with but a few concise motions, knocked every blooming clause out of
him. He tasted like rhetoric.
I moved onward, my steps ringing in my ears like so many clanks of
life's lonely bell, taking me into the dark unknown of my future. When I saw
the third and last beast (for now), with eyes through which one could see the
very brink of eternity, fear stole across my frame and danced a jig across my . spine. But I rose to the challenge with the determination of a young chick
hatchling, shoving back the protective shell of innocence to faco a bright
world whose slings and arrows might find their mark on my soul, but only to
scar my tender skin and make it stronger. Or, suffice it to say I also kicked
his ass. I crammed my big-ass continent of a boot right into his puny little
mouth and watched pathetic cliched poetry fly from his bloodied lips. He
tasted like a can of gooey worms.
MTICLE
_
turtl!1~o::x~ ~~~=:~.p:h::~:p:Yo}~~:~o~~~:~t; ~;~ t:Je~~; :~;~· £1fS?~i~~~t.~ ~\'
my
love, my boot love, my croon of - - my sounds. So kick 1t on down to the
..;
. ·
sound mound, a round mound of sound, and bound around. I'm down with
·~·
sound, and use it for my own pleasure and purposes. Porpoises spit, flom
bip, flap crip, but always sit shimmy.
The preceding sounds and subsequent thought undulations were
brought to you through a bitchin' assembly and cooperation of millions of
tiny neurons and corpuscles. Hope your own chemical/electrical reaction
was a good on~~
:.;:~-', _~~~~,0~~
..... ·
\
\
·~~
'J
~
An artist's conception of the vertical-rising, disc-shaped aircraft
being developed by the U .S. Air force and resembling the
popular conception ot the " flying saucer."
Staph Box:
~
·
W
THE RAT's Ass™
'"
itherspoon - spoon
p
IS A PHOUNDATIONAL
tom logue - moon
o:~::HORESCENCE OF PHUNKT!ONALLy
. .
NKED PHONDNEss PH
ta yJOVla II - h diddle diddle
s
ey
AlT
.
AILURE TO
;--:
' maft otixrn -cat
RI BUTE THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED
.~
HEREIN SOLELY TO THEIR AUTI;
i'~l
dave Sears - fiddle
RESULT IN A
ORS WILL t)~i
t..
PHALLACY OF PHENOMEN
!ri;(!
ross go hi 1\1: - cow
PHREQUENCY AND PHOR...
AL Jiff~
h. b
,., O/oo
?i;•I•;.
c ns rown-knife .
~~~~?~~~~~:~li
.. -----'-·-- -·--·-....'~i?!l..~= ~::..... .. . ·- .· - ..-,,.-·=-o~·""'=-'~."~'··~·"·=·~:7::~:.."::::=:io:=.:•:• 20:
Jr...
' 111:y
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 22, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 22, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass had "Please Don't Laugh" written on it. The front page has Stay Joviall giving a list of "The New Way." Dave Sears talks about Pecauw. On the last page Jhay Witherspoon tells us how "Everything is Related."
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Dave Sears, Ross Gohlke, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/b8ca00a9477fa894a491ecae59927394.pdf
b116ca3547161bb83f008025dd185324
PDF Text
Text
I
ll
t
~
~ .. Lv~e-
l\C
~ §_)U~
Word Usage
by: chris brown
z
s
tij
What is the proper usage of a
word, or a string of words?
Some believe that words have
a proper time and place for
use. Others believe that words
can be used for any purpose
and that any limit on word
usage is only a masked
attempt of domination.
Personally, I fall into the
second category. I believe that
words cannot be grounds for
harassment or victimization.
f
'f
Words are not actions. It
seems though that there is a
prevalent conception on
our campus that words are
actions and the wrono
e
usage can get you in trouble if
you cross the boundary of
established usage and
"correctness." There me some
who would disagree with me
and tell me that limitless
boundmies I am invokino
e
would allow for such thinos ac;
e
sexism and racism to rear it's
ugly head in the things we read
and the things we say. Indeed,
this is the case, but such a
perspective also allows for any
type of discourse : feminist.
nationalistic. religious, etc ...
So, the next time I hear
someone lamenting th~ '&ct
that there are words used on
campus that they don't like
maybe what the probl~m '
really is that they don· t talk or
'-1· 11 1•· lif<.e you do. Words may
hml • •11 1 ego, but they sure as
hell don't kill us . .
ll
�f
t
Right which he represents. Get pa~
the "yeah, but he's GOD!" reactio1
because that doesn't cut butter. 11
right is right, and the very Bastion
o'Rightness defies this, then there
is indeed some relativity at work here.
Right is only right when a s~bj~ctive
rlecision is made by an ommsc1ent power.
Stiii with me? Good. If you're not,
read it again, and if you're still not,
dismiss me as a blithering idiot and
eat your goddam food.
If subjectivity exists even in the
most morally pure of atmospheres, then
it certainly exists in heaven, and
by logue, tom
this in tum means that even there,
moral truths will still be debated.
This article will only make sense if
On the bright side, this allows for
certain things are taken for granted,
endless and unrestricted learning,
so play along:
but i for one do not want to hear
-God exists (this i prove with the
"what about in cases of rape or incest?"
following equation:
.
.
for the rest of my afterlife.
when x=2, 3x+ 1[bag oreos]=mfimty;
And that, gentle readers, is why
when 3x+ l=infinity where x=2, things heaven may not be so groovy, unless
are indeed screwed up enough to allow you're willing to accept
for an omniscient, omnipresent, all"it all depends"
powerful deity, assuming one twists
as the Ultimate Answer.
one's oreos -- please feel free to
plug in your own justification for
god's existence, though)
-The bible is right (like i said,
play along)
-Heaven is eternal bliss and peace
among all men and women, or at
least their souls, just like you
learned in sunday school
Okay, enough assuming. Assumptions 1
and 3 would allow for a spiritual
beyond in which relations among human
souls are preserved. The discrepancy
occurs in #3, that everyone is going
to get along. Presumably, this is
because we will all finally know what
is right (in the biggest sense of the
MAYBE SOMEDAY
word) and the little arguments over
MY BRISTLES.WILL BE
abortion, homosexuality, free will vs
determinism, and whether OJ was
really guilty (he wasn't) will no
longer matter. This in itself_is all .
fine and good until assumpt10n 2 is
considered. God gave moses the 10
commandments as a moral code, a set
of what is right and what is wrong for
all to see. This was not "How to Get
to Heaven" by god (since there was no
heaven to consider), but the ultimate
moral ground upon which to make all .
decisions and base all actio~s.
1 ~ . • '<
Yet, god defies the very Ultimate. ·.' , (~ - 1• . .
~
AS GOOD AS PROLON
t:l;i ff
II. . ·1 '\',/rl,li ~'.; J Hr•u ,1ij -~
'I
·'
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\
tl
I
\ 1·
! '
,'; 11•Y
.
l ll U I' ''
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I
l/.( !r/ ',/~ l: >.t !t j
.
1Jl1 .l ,j) t1l.'-: :~JOl l
.'1 111,1'/,/ ·· f~·i[;,i)/1'1\11 1fin 1 n
1"
( '/1 1 B 1 1,1 ~ P urif y
·i:1 ·n11
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I~- · ~&~ - :1, ~:
"'.,~~
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:
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.
Ahhhhhhhhh
-Xaft Minor
Logjam rattrap yellow
Embedded utopia blank
Torid torpid torreadors
Weasel vortex sham
Dazzle wither streetpark
Starkly lit into
' .,
Raspy ranting boulders
l
-• Pogo pebble tease
k''·''
Kansas teller wispy
Dryness over retort
. . Wishes washing wanton
~~~:.:~rt;.;, Stark Jugglmg crazy
·
...
Purple violet desultory
'%:' lii'< Ration razor ringing
ii":
"1~~:t1; ~ Foolproof routing now
't:~4',r;:j Lacky raising open
·,:1::~ Ideal frozen fre1ze
.
· -~~!1 Cattle crushing details
.\ Quarters wrapping knee
Upset grounded fellow
Lost growing ease
Dizzy yonder glasses
Flowing frenzy please
~-'""~···,-.: ........; .. 1. j,':'~
•
,~,~'(!~
~
\.,.,....
hy s la) .1 0 1·1a ll
_ ..J CT r·zrgg
X '~'f
""-~
Implicate me
Bind me
Isolate me
then ignore me.
Surround me
Play me
Use me
then lose me.
�-~
l .olision on Biacktop
by ... uh ... oh yeah, Jay Witherspoon
I . . . OAMMlr!
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE 10 GET AWAY FROM MYSELF.
YESTERDAY, I RAN
AROUND A CORNER AS FAST AS I COULD TO TRY TO LOSE MYSELF, BUT APPARENTLY
A VE:RY FAST RUNNER BECAUSE THE SECOND
I
I
AM
STOF"PED AND TURNED AROUND TO SEE IF
I HAD GOlTEN AWAY FROM MYSELF, THERE I WAS . . . TURNING AROUND LOOKING F'OFl
MYSELF!
"fHEN
I
TRIED SOMETHING SNEAKIER.
I
BEGAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET
VERY DELIBERATELY, FORCING MYSELF TO THINK OF NOTHING BUT MY NEXT STEP, AND
THE NEXT AND THE NEXT, A.ND . . .
CONCRETE .
AND WHEN
I
'TRIP TR.ll.P TRIP TRAP, ' SAID MY FEET ON THE SHARF'
WAS SURE THAT I WAS THINKING OF NOTHING ELSE THAN THE
'TRIP TRAP TRIP TRAP ' OF MY FOOTSTEPS,
I
DARTED TO THE SIDE AND SPUN AROUND,
EXPECTING TO SEE MYSELF TRIP TRAP TRIPPING RIGHT ALONG, UNAWARE THAT
REALLY JUMPED OFF COURSE .
I
HAD
BUT, AS YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED, THERE I WAS,
STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, LOOKING FOR MYSELF.
But instead of myself, all I found was a light
green pick-up truck with rusty patches along the edge of
the hood. It was heading straight toward me. The
street was wet. The brakes were bad. Physics (and the
world physics makes love to) dictated that the truck
would slide across the wet road, heedless of the
personal, social, or economic repercussions that would
follow a collision with my frail body. The sound of
tires sliding on wet blacktop . . . what had I been
thinking about?
Then the music came. Blaring into the dull sky. A groove funky
sprung out of my chest, bounded off buildings, and spiralled into space.
Melodies wound and spun, wrapping their magic around a beat so
straight and. simple: trip trap trip trap. 'lhe tapestry of get down weaved
dull time into music. trip trap trip trap ... SMACK!!!!! I shook my head
and smiled loudly as I found myself and realized I had walked directly
into a wall.
nikhail Gorbachev
from the nefarious mind of the Super Cherry Master ..
/
WHAT IF?
What if an apparition of Richard Halliburton
appeared
at
your
door
and
slooooooooowly whispered in your left
ear, "I'm a monkey junky," and then
sloooooooowly whispered in your right
ear, "They make me feel funky," and then>·-</5:.'· .~ .~t\.
. .
suddenly shouted in your face, "AND YOU~ .':··< '.~1~} 1
SMELL KINDA SPUNKY ! ! " and then jumped ·~.>A.:··
out your window neuer to be seen again?
I~ id1r1 nl
I loll i/Ju r/r111
(<JY\Ap fi'rd' vt~
/
at tJEe-ro BEEF urJ/
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 27, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 11
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 27, 1995. This was the Halloween issue for the Rat's Ass. The front page had Chris Brown discussing 'Word Usage.' Tom Logue tells us why Heaven may not be as good as we think. Also Xaft Minor screams. On the last page Jhay Winterspoon stutterers as he tries to speak about the Blacktop.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Tom Logue, Xaft Minor, Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9ef7f763012d58ea3f9556b4f9329f5c.pdf
5823ef9eab462f3befb5c10991123bb0
PDF Text
Text
V
olot11L
W;i~ing
flv ~~12.r
and \Vaning
i
"'
1
l1
'.
Nove1>-ber3 , I Cfq~~
by Jay 1VithErSpron
.'
The sign on lop of the door read "This passage marks change.
This passage was created in the image of God."
"Oh," I sighed, always ready for a change. Perhaps there was
something exciting on I.he other side of God's image. Ah, yes.
After l had walked through the doorway, the realization
was forced upon me by some crucial mixture of memory and
immediate sensation that everything I was thinking and
experiencing had somehow turned to the passive voice. The fright
was pushed across and throughout my frame like an early morning ·
piss shiver. The passivity was more than simply verbiage, though.
I had been a pawn all along. Epiphianic needles were poked
through my spine as these thoughts were beginning to take their
1 brutal form: 111e idea to walk through the doorway had been
implanted in my brain by some force other than MY SELF. No
doubt, the inclination had been waiting in my skull since birth. I
had been vomited into the world of no volition of my own. A
crying baby, a wrinkly crying brain pre-formatted to function right
out of the tube: shivering with the cold, a slap on the ass, big
people, white shiny clothes, blood, a mother with a warm breast.
Every subsequent thought and action of my life had been in
' response to the previous ones. Whichever way my life had started
had decided which way it would end. I had walked through the
do_
qnvav because I had had to. It had been ordained.
I
.
comfortably moist
~UNLESS! ! l ! ! ! I foreeJ myself W loolt 1mmrnl and caLn Jown. Yes,
tl1ere it was!!! Th.. ! FEELING!!! It was definjtely tlum,, I wa~ deciding what
. fo do!!! .Just fo fost my theory, I pulled my pocl<et-knife from my left pants
pocket and slashed my left fo1'f'arm. Yes, I was quite sum that J felt I l1ad clecided
fo do exactly tl1al.
1
But there I was again, bleeding, staring al tl1e Joor, wondering wl1ence
these inclinations came. The air was l10t. I was swealy. Electric impulses raceJ
frantic . My minJ saw my Me anJ future turn inlo formless melted wax. Melted
wax ... melted wax, melted melly wax wax, melty molten wax wax, waxy melted
swirling life wax melt. And tl1en tlie lifey wax swam around in my head a wl1ile.
Piml il look Ll1it1 sltnpc limn Llrnt, melting melty. Tl1c wax of my life sw;11n ,
l>caulifuJ, nnJ I lmgan lo elm pc tl1c wax myself. .l~iml, a lmll, tl1cn a Jmt, aml n
·.
liat, and t10111ctl1ing I lrnd never Reem, a11J 11 pair of lip~, a11d a Joorw11y, a11d ~0111e
swurly words, and wl1alever, and il candle, and. a ln1Ly, and a bleeding arm, and a
dream, anJ a wing, and a watcl1, anJ n1y mother, and a poem, and my own 11wealy
face, and. as Ll1e waxy image waned and I ernwlcd back lo Hulonomy Lhrougl1 tlie
l1allways in my head, it all 11eemcd a whole lot better. It lasted rigl1t.
•
'
I
!
from the nefarious mind of the ~m!~Qe'lt Qt])Qe'~lt~ Jfn~~'ID:Qe'lt ...
WHAT IF?
What if Jim Daughdrill did 69 whippits,
took off all his clothes, crawled up to you
and asked if he could borrow your car?
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It was that time again•
Time for the bimonthly '
tree gathering.
The
Interforestry Tree
Convention wa s an
opportunity for the
great trees to come
together and e ngage in
r igorous debate over
crucial issues
pertinent to their
existence.
As you
might imagine there was
rarely any agreement
over t h e important
philosophical issues
but the great trees
persisted, preparing
their little sermons on
tree ethics, tree
afterlife or absence
of , tree gods, proper
modes of dis cou rse ,
etc.
The great trees
came from around t h e
country by whatever
mean s available to
them .
Thi s
parti c ular meeting got
unde r way with a
reading of the minutes
recapping the last
gather ing followed by a
h e ate d discussion on
tree morality.
The
Gambe l Oak in st igat e d
t h e d e bate by stating
his opinion on t h e
matter .
"Fe llow trees,
bush es, shrubs , and
vario u s other plants
(the convention was
generally open to any
type of plant life that
k
.
t
th
could ma e i t
o
e
meeting but the only
plant- be;ide- the trees
s
that would speak was
the cannabis Sativa)
the very fact that we
are all congregated
here demonstrates our
'\
unity.
I
wi l l not d eny ,,
' j'
1
1,
that we vary in species ~
but we ar.e united by
~l
our drive for
~
knowledge.
We are
rat ional trees, my
frien ds.
As rational
trees , we are moral
trees.
We must deny
ourselves the
s uperficial pleasures
of our trunks; to grow
and e xpand overrunning
other trees. "
The
charismatic Gia nt
Sequoia began s coffing
quite deliberately and
proceeded to state in
his usual r ich and
stunning tone, "SLAVE
MORALITY, I am a rath er
large tr e e and requ ire
much space in order to
grow to a satisfactory
s iz e .
T re e
rationality,
is simply a myth
created by thos e
s u ffici e nt ."
articulate Winged Elm
i mmediately jumped to
t h e Gambe l Oak' s
defense.
"My giant
friend, the noble
Gambel Oak is referring
to a higher order.
Certainly any large
tree may blindly dwell
in its natural impulses
and neglect any social
responsibility to other
trees, but we are
attempting an
intellectual venture.
!iAY!:
afterlife ."
The
skeptical Bristle cone
Pine
(this
species is
one of the oldest
varieties of trees on
the North Ame rican
Continent, this
particular one is well
over 4,000 yrs. old)
inserted his opinion
into the discussion.
"My good friends, the
Winged Elm and Gambel
Oak, in my youth I used
to look for ward to a
wonderful tree af terlife
but that was at least
three millennia ago .
I
witnessed your
ancestor's birth and
subseque nt death and I
am still alive.
In fact
I have given up hope of
ever dy ing .
I hav e no
good reason to believe I
ever will die.
Consequently, I have no
choice but to suck l i fe
for what i t ' s worth."
A
strange silence spread
r apidly throughout the
circle of tre es .
The
entire s u rrounding
atmosphere seemed
is obvious to us
intoxicated with thought
that we trees have been
a s the trees were
created by a higher
slightly rec lined in
power , what you might
their up r i gh t po s i t i o n s .
refer to as ' God.'
God
The gre at Elm a nd th e
has provided u s with a
gre at Oak d esperate ly
h ealthy challenge to
wanted to avoid slipping
affiliat e ourselves
into tota l tree
with that not so
relativism but with the
addition of the
side
Bris tlecon e Pine's
Th rough
statement, things s eeme d
to b e going in that
wil l
di rec tion. All o f a
a ple asant tree
sudden a bit of
frustration and
\~\
·''
•!, '1.
v
''k
~
�The Protect Allegiance
by Anonymous
around that. They took out a sword
and started pointing it at one of the
graves. The sword was fashioned
completely out of metal. There
was one solid piece that was carved
in With runes and shit. They were
Me: Tell me about the Protect
Allegiance.
Anon.: The Protect Allegiance is a
society of vampires and devil
worshipers. It's everywhere. They
knew that when I joined them, I
was destined for joining them. You
can find them about anywhere in
everyday society. I found them at
the graveyard... Or rather, I should
say that they found me. You can't
find them. If you are going to go
out looking for them, don't go out
unless you have the assistance of
gods behind you, because you ain't
gonna find them. They are some of
the most powerful magic users in
the world. Umm ... So I was in St.
Monica's graveyard, and one of
them came up to me. I was
sleeping on one of the graves. I
like spending time in graveyards.
Umm... And umm... Umm ... They
gave me one of their black robes
and everything, and they showed me
some of their ceremonies. They are
fascinating people. Their job was
to speak to the dead. A lot of the
things that I saw them do were
fascinatinii . They always terrified
me.
very welcoming. All they wanted
· me to do was join hands in the
circle and repeat after the leader.
Most of them were sixteen or
seventeen. A few were my age. A
few were younger. The oldest was
in his late twenties. The leader was
this very tall guy... Kind of
heavyset... Clean shaven face ...
Very pale. They were pointing the
sword at the... The leader... The
guy who was doing it. .. The sword
was probably... About that long
(Three feet.) He pointed it down to
the ground and lifted back up at the
sl")', and then drove it... Wham! Straight down into the grave. Like ·
right on to where the coffin would
have been . Slowly this thing that
looked kind of like a gas was
seeping up through the hole around
the sword. It took form above the
sword in the shape of a person. It
was a fucking ghost, and it was
standing right there. They spoke to
it in a language that I had no
fucking clue what it was. It did not
sound backwards at all. I was
paying attention for it. It did not
sound anything. Umm ... When
they were done, the ghost slipped
back into the ground. Just the
leader spoke to him. After that...
the leader... They all turned and
faced the leader and he told us that
such and such... Whatever the
dude's name was... Had requested
that something be brought to
· 1e: Did·they have human
sacrifices?
Anon: I saw someone get
sacrificed, actually. He was
screami!lg the whole time. This is
- .-::.;~,. the way it worked... They all
gathered around, like, that square,
OK? You know... That big square
in the center of St. Monica's
graveyard? Well... They gathered
hostility began floating
about.
The silence then
conv erted itself into an
extreme tension.
The
Giant Sequoia piped up
b reaking the silence
with some vicious words
directed at the great
Elm and great Oak.
"You flimsy trees
postulate t he existence
of morality whi ch
s upposedly governs us
because you are weak.
The both of you, one
stacked on top of the
other do not even equal
half my height.
You
simply are not good
competitors for
s unlight.
So you try
to convince those who
can get an abundance of
sunlight that it is
immoral.
And you,
Gambel Oak what about
tho se deciduous leaves.
You would think that
God would have endowed
you with leaves that
are able t o last a
l i t t l e longer t h an one
y e a r b efo re th e y
p er i s h."
The Winge d
Elm wa s th o rou ghly
o f fend e d by th e attac k
and d ec id e d to
·r e t a liate poking the
Gi a nt Sequ o ia with one
"If you
ot it s l i mbs .
want t o s t art
c ritici zes o th e r tr e e 's
n a tural e nd o wme nt ,
con s ide r your ow n
o v e rsiz e d self.
I bet
y o u wo ul.d have troubl e
g e tting o ut of y o ur o wn
way."
The Cannabi s
Sa t i v a int er j ect e d
qui t e p e acef ully by
-
-
him ... Like one of those rings or
something like that. He told me
that he was a member of the Protect
Allegiance. He told me that what
they were there for was to speak to
the dead and find out what went
wrong in their lives... What's not
letting them rest... And go correct
it. I decided to leave the group
because they requested me on the
first time that I was going to go
out on one of their little crusades...
I was supposed to kill a man.
Anon: On the fourth meeting. Six
knife-bearers with masks and black
robes all at once stabbed him in a
circle around the heart. I was
terrified. I didn't scream or
anything like that because I didn't
think it was real. Well ... it was. It
was at the Aquadome, actually. It's
a bad place to be.
Me: Did authorities find that?
Anon: No (Quickly.) Authorities
haven't touched them. How are
you going to find them? There's
probably a hundred dead bodies in
that place that no one can find.
They grind up the bones, usually,
and use them for spell-casting
purposes.
Me: Every time they would bring
up a ghost.
Anon: Not every time. The guy
-that we brought up the first time.
We went out and found his ring.
We came back and buried it in the
grave with him. After that, we just
left that one alone, because he said
he'd be OK after that. I went and
saw the aquadome with them one
time. That was really a cool thing.
Me: When did they want you to
kill somebody?
Anon: It was about three weeks
into it when they said, "We want
you to seek out a higher standing.
We want you to seek out a crusade.
It's a very simple mission. We
know entirely who this person is.
We have his entire schedule. All
you have to do is kill him using
this." And they pointed at like a
steak knife or something. Bizarre
thing.
Ic~use
Me: When did you see a human
sacrifice?
Meeting of Stone Giants
I
Oh boy, flowers. I love flowers.
~
Shut up, moe-ron
You're lrnrting my cars. My lovely orbular cars.
.....
Shut up, moe-ron
"'
Suckle from my gaping buttocks!
Shut up, Moe-ron
You just don't understand my sensitive side. I, I love.
Do you understand. r, I love. Love, Jove, love, love,love la, la
smoothly saying, "Man
this is not what
treedom is about.
W
e
trees s hould not
quarrel.
This is the
product of a limited
spectrum of
philosophical
discourse."
The
Cannabis Sativa
p roc eed e d to go on a
long unr e lated tang e nt
which i t was in the
habit of doing but was
ignored and t he
conflict persisted.
A
Shut up, moc-ron
The tape, get the tape. Someone call John Laroquette, and get
a laxative.
"
\
fi e r ce battle b r oke o u t
whic h r e s ulte d in a
sharp d e clin e in t h e
population of eccentri c
trees . Th e next 'l'ree
Convention was not for
a number of y e ar s .
/
e
~
. .... .
_
lo..
-
\
,. ,.
OJ
I
i
....,
I,
JI'!
j .fq4,,
iii,\,
~
~:._,
..
,
�Reason #183 to Carry Jumper
Cables
So, a buddy and I were sitting in the car, in
the line, at the Taco Bell on PopJar(which will
remain nameless). We go to Taco Bell only
because it is cheap and open late at night.
This time it was about 1 l:OOp.m. We were
shootin' the shit when the woman in the next
car jumped out and trotted over, and stuck her
head in the window. She said nothing but,
"My car's battery just died, and rm stoned."
THAT HAS TO SUCK. Even worse, if she didn't
have the munchies yet, they were about to set
in hard.
..
~~~,)
't
:~l'
,--.[iver
·
\
\
\
\
My buddy asked if she had cables. No cables.
She asked the car which was ordering behind
us, aJso containing two guys, who didn't have
any cables either. Understanding that we are
1 ~ a drive-through lane, this car was going
nowhere. We tried to roll start the car. The
woman running the drive-through leaned out
the window to watch four idiots pushing a car
towards Poplar at an alarming rate. In
hindsight, realizing how baked this woman
was, it is amazing that she didn't let the car ·.
go out into Poplar, but stopped it just short of
Poplar. The car was still dead.
The Rat: s_ Ass TM is a funkified and
. :
gro~vahc10us undulation of spermicid Ir '
lubricated gre
a Y
f
Y ma tt er t·rlat has been ribbed
1
bo~ p easure. Opinions and funkiness herein
e ong so~eJy to their respective authors ati.d
anyone with a gun who really agrees.
:
·
The woman paid for her food as we watched
the line grow and contemplated the dead car.
The end decision: roll that puppy out into
Poplar and get it in the first parking lot. Of
course, that means pushing a dead car the
wrong way on Poplar, with this stoned woman
at the wheel. We waited for the appropriate
opening, and ran this car into the street and
into the parking lot. The oh-so-helpful Taco '
Bell employees asked if we would be
returning to our cars. My buddy had already
bought the food, and we took off. All he said
on the way back to campus, "That was so
weird, I need a burrito."
DAVE WELLS
Ji
Staff Box
Xaft Minor: folli~le
Fredrica Car
J
Witherfunk~e~~r: jherri
Dave Wells: pubicpee
Neeto Beef U
M'k
rn: bald
Di : Long: bouffant
avid Sears: butt
...
Uue ~ to a r
t
department ;;.:er~ t ~andate or the laealth
serve 'any li~uid subs~ s no longer allowed to
the food debris off t1a:C:;a:!:~e i;: cannot get
mugs (albeit covered with Greek sym:::; !:~~
much .cleaner than our stuff Sine
::.~1i~~e. face In letting you b~ng 11i:s:~1;«>,:~
So I'm t!1~" thth,.e ~ath, we're outlawing all liquids.
' s rs ow Rhodes works.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
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Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass