2
25
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/a7f15a9363812a9f9212e0e7a5961873.pdf
2081bb1a3dfb37a555abd9245ee4dd73
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Text
I)
volume 11 issue 11, 1993, Nov 17
\.~"<.~
"don't even bother to read this poor excuse for an already
.. i ngr et e .:~
speciel
ner\tege
b~
~o~~'-'CJ
0
nsk fnlth nnd renson
(compiled by chnrles
schnfer)
Dear Faith and Reason :
I know that when we
degree of goodness or
die and go before the
badness. Further note that
judgment seat of the Lord,
since these acts do not occur
He will open up the Book of
on discrete time Increments
Life and add up our good and
but, rather, are continuous,
bad deeds to see if we are
the Lord is forced to
admitted to heaven. What
evaluate a large number of
I've always wondered is,
integrals of various
does this happen right after
"goodness functions" over
we die or do we have to wait
intervals along the real
until the Judgment Day at the number line for each person!
end of the world?
seeing es how Jesus came to
Sincerely,
Ivan Tunowinov
Faith: You ask too many
questions, Ivan. You only
need to know one thing to be
a Christian, which is that
Jesus Christ died for you on
the cross . Of course, this
fact directly implies many
other things which are
important, such as don't
listen to secular rock'n'roll,
always give money to
charismatic Southern TV
personalities, stay away
from The Last Temptation of
.cJld.ll, and so on .
Reason: Ivan, that is a very
good question. The key is
actually the bit about the
Lord adding up rights and
wrongs . Note that when
people do good or bad acts ,
they in fact are doing acts
that continually vary In their
sove us •bout two thous•nd
years ago and the calculus
has only been around since
Newton, the Lord Is still
trying very hard to catch up
on these often tricky sums.
The upshot of all this is that
you're going to be waiting a
long time to get Into heaven
1f you die right now. '
Faith: So all those crusaders
who died In battle, their lest
breaths gasping "Tonight we
shall dine In paredlse" or
some such hopeful phrese
t~ey ere still hungry, In '
limbo somewhere?
Re_son: Thet is correct.
a
Feith: I find thet herd to
pelete.
Reeson: And so 1t must be
false?
Feith: Well. ..
Reeson: Thet's whet's so
ridiculous ebout your
outlook! Beceuse life seems
desolate, "unpeleteble ..
there must be somethl~g we
are overlooking, something
thet Is good end Is order
something which, no met,ter
whet you sey, functions to
meke the world seem
ultimately just, even kind.
Yes, kind. When pressed you
deny it -- but thet's why you
believe God loves you . You
went to believe thet you live
ev~n
In a kind world. Well, you
don't. Don't count on God's
justice In the afterlife
because it might not come.
Don't count on It In the world
because It's never been
proven to exl st and because
It might make you less
concerned with human
justice. Make your own
justice.
Faith: I don't feel like
listening to you on one of
your soapboxes .
Reason: That was
sementlcelly emblguous.
Feith: You're being e jerk
But es long es we 're being.
picky, Whet you just seld
wes redundent. If e sentence
Is embiguous, 1t Is
sementlcelly emblguous.
{ to be continued }
�Ratios And Why You Shouldn't Trust Them
by: chris brown
As next semester registration
passes us by , I have some
thoughts on class size. In one
of my classes for next
semester the class size has
been increased to 30 students.
I transferred to this school
from a college that had 30-40
students in a class. I was also
paying less than half of what I
am now paying. ( humm . am
I being screwed?) Rhodes
prides itself on being a
"small" liberal arts college.
Now, "small" is to qnly be
understood as a fewer number
of students in the student
population when compared to
other college campuses. It
does not mean that you will
have a small class size or that
you will receive more
individual attention.
It has not occurred to
the Administration that
when you add to the student
population and don't hire
more professors, then class
size must go up. Or maybe
it has crossed their minds and
they just don't care about the
quality of education that
Rhodes offers. It can be
said, and I think honestly,
I! that the administration is not
j terribly concerned about
11
living up to its 12: 1 student
to teacher ratio that it so
proudly prints in the
pamphlets and catalogues it
sends to naive parents and
student prospects. While the
12: 1 ratio is correct, it
means nothing in practical
terms. The quality of the
class room experience that
Rhodes will offer to the
student is now irrelevant
Just as loµg as the college
can have the appearance of
looking small is all that
matters.
Rhodes, like many
third world nations, is a
paper tiger. While on paper
the college boasts all of
these wonderful figures and
ratios that makes it superior
shake. I could tell my
shake was the real me coy
because it bad chocolate
syrup dripping down the
side. # The only downside
to the food is that it's all
served with paper or
styrofoam plates, cups,
Wiles-Smith Drug Store
by ruthie stepbenson
lo other colleges is only a
mirage. These ratios and
figures are lost in the reality
of the classroom Or
another way to see Rhodes
is like chocolate covered
piece of dung. From the
outside it looks extremely
pleasing, but on the inside
it is nothing but pure shit.
Memphis's oldest
independent drug store is
bidden on 1635 Union
between Gamer's Frame
Shop and Fast Signs. You
wouldn't think differently
about this place because
it's just a pharmacy.
Wrong. My mentor/friend
Virginia (see last week's
article) suggested we meet
at Wiles for lunch one day.
I didn't know what kind of
treat I was in for. When I
pulled up in my blue
truck, I saw "OldFashioned Soda Fountain"
advertised in the window.
Boy, ob boy was this a
new find. # I walked in and
bad a seat on a spinning
stool at the counter. I
took advantage of my new
seat and spun around a few
times to check out
everything while I waited
for Virginia. Wiles is
quaint and bas character.
It's not overcrowded like
most super stores, and if
you became a regular
customer, you'd definitely
know everyone by name. #
When Virginia arrived, we
seated ourselves at a vinylcovered booth with rips in
it--the kind of booth that
adds character to a place.
Virginia ordered the
homemade chicken salad--a
Wiles specialty--and
vegetable soup. I ordered a
BLT and a chocolate
and utensils. The reason
being not having to hassle
with the sanitation
regulations of washing
dishes. The upside,
" however, is the friendly
· waitresses, the O.B.G.
atmosphere (celebrating
their 49th year), and the
cheap food. Virginia bas
even seen Cybil Shepard
there. # The homemade
inexpensive. Sandwiches
range from $1.75-2.95 and
. shakes for $2.00 (regular)
1
and $2.45 (extra thick). #
This is the place to go for
a quick bite or a slow meal
and it's incredibly
affordable. You could even
, treat a friend to lunch for
1
under 5 bucks. Just keep
your eyes open when
you're travelling down
Union because you could
easily miss one of the
finest drug stores around.
Monster in My
Poet. or. Memoirs
of a Memoir-Thief.
part 4
by Martin Fox
UlllUUlilllllllllllllllllllllllllllUll'
[
~
~r.~~
'~
,~u3:,, ' ;i
,,J
:-i' '
~~ ~~1;: STAFF BOX
·
~ t ~~ pAt garrett wild turkey
chris brown marshmallow und yam casserole
briAn dixon i'm dressing
clAy combs punkin
chArles schafer liver gravy
dipAk ghosh plymouth sundanc""'""Jrro'"'-"'.......1.6julie meimAn progressive pilgrim
ruthie stephenson postmodern pilgrim
mike Augspurger deconstructive pilgrim
john wAyne listen pilgrim
ross gohlke unwitting native american
Allegorical
dust settles around
him, as he wanders
alone in
the
painted desert.
Visions of grandeur and stasis no
speak
lo n ge r
distinctly,
as
nothing heeds
t h e
fevered
pronouncements
barely
wh ich
escape his lips.
"How will we
teach these songs
-10 our children?": '
he asks, his shouts
muffled by the
music playing on
stage. "I'll work in
the margins." He
confides to the
twls ting forms,
"Who's going to
stop me?"
With loaded
pistol and evidence
gathered on the
Warren com·miss ..
ions' habits and
personality-traits,
he surreptitiously
searches the Dallas
night-clubs.
Having killed
time, he plans the
next installment in
his series of tightly
structured serial
narratives, and is
startled by your
reading eyes. He
screeches
in
challenge, "\\'ho
gave you the
permission to read
of me?", his tensed
fists raised to the
sky.
Then
reconsidering, he
continues in a
somewhat calmer
manner, "Oh. I
guess I did. What
do you think?"
A s
the
structures break
down, you reply
~.");;?'.~.~~:i~ .·.; : ::.
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to Beirut tor £105 return
Sometimes my
erful holiday flight
, e*>
roommates and I talk
Ond
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I
s a w
a
commercial today. It
said that if you buy their
product your suffering
will end. I took a class
last year. The class was
called Human Suffering
and for 14 weeks we
talked about what
suffering is to different
people in different times.
The commercial I saw
claimed to relieve none of
the situations of suffering
which we discussed in
class. It claimed to end
dandruff.
Suffering.
From dandruff. Hmm. I
understand that words
change and are used
differently as language
changes, but we should
reserve words like
"suffering" for people
who have suffered. I am
no judge of who has and
has not suffered, but I'd
like to try. Retired major
league baseball players
with dry flakey scalps
have not suffered. Jews
in Germany
and
elsewhere under Hitler
did. There. That's not so
hard.
•
about stuff. A while ago
we . ~alke~ about
relativity. It s popular
these . da~s.
. If
everything ts relative,
then maybe people who
have dandruff really are
suffering.
Dandruff
victims. And maybe the
Holocaust was just
uncomfortable to the
millions who died. My
roommates will tell me
that . I. ha~e _not done
relahvtty JUShce. And
my roommates are often
right. But my bitch isn't
Lucky him, he
was bald. Imagine how
different his canvases
would have looked if he
suffered from dandruff.
that relativity should be
canned.
I just worry
about those people who
sell their soul to it.
Cubism, as I
understand it, wasn't all
that popular when it
first hit the galleries.
But some artists did like
it and made great strides
and strokes in the cubist
thing. Picasso knew that
cubism could have been
taken too far. He turned
back.
Top Ten Ethno-conscious Color
Combinations For Flight Attendants
Fashion
in the 90's
brought to you by J, Crew
10. Oatmeal Heather Deep V-neck lambswool sweater over
n eo -classic Chamois unitard
9. Bark bodysuit, accented by Yam corduroy skirt
8. re tro-traditional Teale fine jersey tee with wide-leg
re tro Taupe jeans
7 . p laid sweater dress, Pine & Ecru, with monk strap
s hoes
6. Port camel hair oversized coat & Thistle thermal
pants
5. Saffron & Tobacco
4. Cactus lounge wear with Canvas wool socks
3 . ;rwilight twill schoolJee.v jacket ove r broken-in Chili
Jeans
~~
2 . brushed chinos, Sky, with Stone cotton rollneck
sweater
1 . Black & I or White birthday suit
*a ll fabrics synthetic, regardless of name
*all fashions uni-gender, of course
* all fashions respectful of every season
*sin cerest apology to all colors and designs not on the l ist
by Ross GohlkQ
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 17, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 11
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newpaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 17, 1993. The second to last issue in the collection, a thinning in the quantity of articles continues from the previous few issues. The headline reads "Special 'ingrate by heritage' Issue!!" Charles Schafer composes a dialogue between faith and reason on the front page, and Chris Brown follows with a piece on ratios. Martin Fox continues his "Memoirs of a Memoir-Thief" and Dipak Ghosh gives the second act of his "Ramblin' Leaf". Pat Garrett gives a rare written contribution, and Ross Gohlke takes Brian Dixon's place in giving a top ten list.
Creator
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Charles Schafer, Chris Brown, Martin Fox, Dipak Ghosh, Ross Gohlke, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, John Wayne, Ruthie Stephenson, Brian Dixon, Clay Combs
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ef32bc4b519e70ec7a869d3a0bf6b20.pdf
abd9c37fff3ac1cb2931c28cd49253b6
PDF Text
Text
Call Me:
Exclusive Interviews with Paul and Art!!
'<
@)'
E-Area 26/WALLS-An
l s
s
I
f
One Small Step for NASA and
One Giant Leap for
Michael Jordan
by Brian Dixon
Another Space Shuttle launch
was scrubbed last week.
What's new? NASA has made
it a habit recently to screw
up, look outdated, and in
other words, seriously booboo.
Need I mention the lost Mars
Probe? Probably not.
What about the space shuttle
mission prolonged because
bad weather prevented a safe
daytime landing. Eventually,
the scientists decided to risk
it, to let the shuttle land unprecedently in the dark. After
propelling the ship through
earth's atmosphere where it
navigated through asteroid
belts and other celestial obstacles, the scientists were
worried about insufficient
light? I can just envision the
post-landing
exuberance.
Control room scientists and
engineers jumping up and
slapping hi-fives, screaming
"yessssrr ," realizing that by
conquering the dark they had
nearly twelve extra hours
each day with which to work.
.I
n overcrowded table"
"Justan$rshee~~in~l
P
~
November
The latest mission, which was
canceled twice before finally
lifting off, is another gasser.
The stated mission? To study
the effects of weightlessness
on the human body. Hello!
I've heard of more advanced
research in a sixth grade science fair. After thirty years of
space study and travel they're
still unsure about those effects? Its called floating, lots
of it. I thought we were all
squared away on this one. Remember that golfball the astronaut teed off with from the
moon? Still floating.
Maybe NASA needs to rethink
its purpose, come up with a
new mission. Afterall the
cold war, the reason NASA
was born, to keep up with
?ur neighbors the Joneskies,
IS over. At one time NASA
may have been a point of national pride, a symbol that
America had conquered as
much terrestial frontier as
possible, that we had
nowhere to go, as it were, but
up. Perhaps they need to invest some time in watching
Star Trek: 1Jze New Genera~ion in the hopes of reaping
Ideas that others have already
sown. Perhaps a manned
mission to Mars, the moon of
the nineties, is just what
NASA needs.
But then again, maybe NASA
•
ju't n0<d.. to hang up tho
back on an ill
.
space boots and retire.
remembering u:~rious career,
Michael Jordan, America's
the first m
at they put
greatest aviational wonder,
an
Th ey won th on th e moon.
did it. Walked away from the
race has b e race, but the
game in his heyday. No com196
een over ·
9. If they t "II
s111ce
petition he said. Again, now
out Winne s J Want to go
that the cold war is over
rs, though
h ad better hur
' they
NASA has the same problem.
ups are bec:;'·. The goofShould they follow Jordan
A m 111g more
prevalent
into the world of relaxation
Michael ]~rdannd afterall,
and unlimited product enball in mid-flightever lost a
dorsement? They could look
/'
·
.
.
_,b rt Q.
J1
Am e.r Jc et,,.( yf.4. 114
I
- - ....J--:
_ •
0
e c r , E Jl.f ,4 '- ' - /
I
t T+A. A"' -z(.. (..
f e{;
Co.. rrJ
�Rarrblin Leaf
cy Dipak cnsh
Leaves, leaves
everywhere. It's
Fall.
Is
He
telling rre to shed
my leaf and fall
to rrv senses? No.
God is nice. (So
"COOL" that hell
is Har. ) He wants
me to fly. I can
feel it. The cold
air shrinks, gets
denser, sinks and
lifts rre up to the
heavens. Not too
high. I'm only
I
truth. Slate.
Dark, grey slate.
Halliburton stood
up, ringing that
The Hip, Happening
Spots Around Town.
by ruthle stephenson
..
l>
n
. .,
...
, , LOOKING
. ·. 'FOR Y OUR
that Rhodes in the las t
ten years has grown 4 6
· percent. The statement
hurran.
DREAM HOME'r was followed by an
e>:N>!'l exclamation
point.
Higher, higher.
· +~ Clearly this was a
The sun doesn't
I promising statistic.
blind me, it's
)., .,.,·.·•.
I would like ask ,
~:::::===------·-1 1
whether Rhodes needs to
shrouded with
has
grey. It's cold. _. Where to buy it? See last page . grow. The schoolsmall
defined itself as a
The wax won I t r, Bursting at the Seams
liberal arts college. Its
purpose is to be one of
melt' i I 11 stay "
by Mike Augspurger
I
My experience in the
the best of these in the
airborne.
world of business has
nation; the object is
Laplace has been
been small. I was once a
clearly quality.
Does
cashier for a summer. I
growth forward this goal?
Trans forming my
even took Economics my
Will increasing the
mind brutally. Hew
second year. Most of the
student
body
size
equitable are
class seemed to be
without hiring new
common sense.
But
professors move the
differentials?
every once in awhile I
Lorentz wasn' t
would hear something
.
which seemed countermu ch
k l n de r
intuitive. My professor
either. My head
once told us. or perhaps
hurts. The whiter
it was the text book. that
international expansion
sandstone was an
in business most often
illusion. I took
results from a CEO's ego.
In expansion into the
off an d saw t h e
farthest reaches of the
East and Gaul and
Brittania, a business
more often ends up
opening itself for attack
than
securing
it.s
school toward this goal?
interests.
I hactr:i t
President Daughdrill
realized that personality
wrote in the Rhodes
played
a
part in
Today that a school must
international economics.
balance business and
1 hadn't realized that
academics. This makes
growth wasn't always
sense.
New students
justified.
bring new money.
I
The most recent
wonder only whether this
Rhodes Today. in a series
steady increase in size is
of answers to common
not
gradually
alumni questions. said
undermining the goal for
I
h-
Her name Is Virginia
and she's really cool.
She's my mentor I was
matched With through
Leadership Rhodes, but
I consider her an older
'.!
friend because she's
loads of fun. We hang
out and go to a new
dive for lunch once a
week. #The first joint
we hit a few weeks ago
was the Fowway Grill-(don't get it confused
With the Two Way). The
Fourway Grill is located
back in midtown on (I
think) Mississippi
Blvd. --a section of town
Sou.th.western R,e.,iew
you might not want to
is still acceptinq submissions
pogo stick through in
of fiction . poetry, photos,and.
the middle of the night.
The only entrance to
other artwork. The DEADLINE
the FW is in the back,
and the vinyl padded
is WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10.
door is studded with
The are three ways to submit:
furniture tacks. Kind of
1)By computer (see instructions
like this: r-----~
in the HacLab), 2)'I'hru library
Upon
viewing
reserve folder 1000, 3)slip
this
it under 'I'alDlli's door
awesome
(114 Voorhies). LIMIT 5
decor, I
realize
submissions per person.
that
Contrary to popular belief,
·;,
I must
which 'the business
you need not be bitter
aspects of Rhodes exist
" . ring the bell In order to
to submit, but we do encourage
be let in to see the
in the first place.
0
inner decorations as
Alumni might want a \ _
i
diy~r,st.~ ~ .c:r~~i~. ,: , i
well as for lunch. # The
L1)<' l r. I n(. ff\h I J 1 1 1 1( 1 0 _. T: I ._:.,
'
larger school; everyone
eating area Is nice &
wants a school that is
r.
.. ..,; . _---:.__ . ,
'.. i
cozy With approximately
recognized. Perhaps the
8 tables covered With
President and the Board
vinyl tablecloths.
,1of Trustees want a larger
Pictures of famous
people line the walls
and give the place lots
of atmosphere--not to
mention our friendly
'\ :"
,,
f ". . \
and helpful waitress.
;:""'.~' Ji:,.,," . .. - '
..
- ....
....:;. .
For lunch I ordered
·-.
fried chicken-their
Top Ten "If You Haven't
supposed specialty. It
Read It" Slogans Rejected
was good, but I'm no
school; most people
..,, ·· connoisseur when it
by the Commercial Appeal
would be thrilled to be
comes to fried chicken.
among Memphis Mag. Virginia ordered some
by Brian Dixon
azine's
50
most
.,/",.. veggies: something like
important people for,
r· ~
beans and red cabbage.
IO.
1'
Virginia and I agreed
among two or three
If · · · it reall)_' hasn't happened.
9.
things, bringing Rhodes
that the cornbread
If · · · some btrd is poopin' on it
8. If · · . then go to hell.
muffins were by far the
an accounting master's
·
7. If · · · you probably never will.
best-especially if you
degree program. But as a
douse them in honey.
6.
student. I want a better
If
you might not
#The Fourway Grill is a
5. If ·. ·. ·. you're a goob. know how to read ·
small liberal arts college.
popular lunch spot
And I don't see any
4.
amongst mid/down
evidence indicating that ~ ':' ,.;>} 3 • If · · · we hope someone else has
towners. It opens at
If · · · neither have we.
·
growth moves Rhodes
2.
11 :00, so get there
towards that goal.
1. :: ... you~re probably reading The Rat's Ass
early if you want a seat.
... It might be written in Hebrew.
And don't forget to ring
the bell.
J
'Jhe
l
.•
>
"
" ~ ~:.-
'f U:~,;g on iJy!
>
"
-·
Clay Combs
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
Chuck Schafer
Julie Meiman
Mike Augspurger
Ross Gohlke
Martin Fox
Chris Brown
&rand Boy
Peon
HiredHand
Fetcher
Scribe
Assistant
Trainee
Help
Hanger-on
�l
v alid," he questions
one of the actors in
the TV drama, uto be
more concerned about
the stru c ture of a
work of fiction than
the actual content
therein?"
character
The
turns,
continuing
his lines: " ... well,
of course.
You've
got to put in the
elements you wish to
1
· have
in the story·
'Be sure also to lead
reader
to
'the
/ closely examine varwi thin that
structure, as well
as to obser v e the
incloseness
the
cidents adhere to
of
various
parts
Is
this structure.
there, for instance,
a larger structure
made up of smaller
parts?"
Th• Werewolvea
of
Suburbia,
or,
Memoir•
of
a
Memoir-Thief,
part 3
by Martin Fox
Entranced by the
carpet's
pattern,
our
hero
conceptualizes, but is
unable
to express
his theory of spacet ime.
Development
here and now is made
untenable and not
worthy of defense,
as he
imagines a
burning city in the
distance.
uMore comforting
arrangements can be
found-but would
you want them?" he
attempts to imply in
the way he buys a
pornographic
magazine.
As he
walks away from the
kiosk,
he glances
back at the clerk,
who seems oblivious
message.
his
to
#Inundated
by
culture, I see . .
he shouts over his
shoulder, gaining no
more attention from
the
vendor.
He
quickens his step,
looking about
the
station for the two
men
he'd
thought
were fol lowing him.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 5, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 5, 1993. It sees the return to the sparseness of articles evident in the October 15, 1993 issue. The headline reads "Special November Issue!!" Brian Dixon takes the first page with a view on NASA, and gives a signature top ten list on the centerfold. Dipak Ghosh and Mike Augspurger's pieces surround the Brian's list, along with a call to writers for the Southwestern Review. Martin Fox fills the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Mike Augspurger, Martin Fox, Clay Combs, Pat Garrett, Chuck Schafer, Julie Meiman, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9f407c8ea4ff4cdb2059a7b2608d1280.pdf
9adfa75429b94395a6b25ae2d50d488c
PDF Text
Text
~~~ LAUGH ~~URSELF?
"Predestined to bring you sub-par news reporting"
NOW A
MOTEL M:,::::.
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el.COMES
Volume
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Issue
IX
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thanks to
Lewis . ''
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Kwechle
October 29, 1993
st<AoKES,
Speci~Jh•v~~!?.~~~~~~n Issue''
• •
Clay's Column
by Clay
What Reformation means
to us,
or, What is the Baptist
Shrub?
I have fond memories of
the Halloween time of year,
but not because of that
particular holiday. In fact, kids
at my home church were
strongly discouraged from
taking part in the pagan ritual.
(Oddly enough, no one balked
at the celebration of Christmas,
despite the fact it was the early
believers' way of putting a
Christian face on the Roman
festival of Saturnalia, which as
a lowercase noun comes down
to us as a rough synonym for
orgy; perhaps there were some
small business owners in the
church.)
My church offered for
children, in the stead of
Halloween, a Reformation Day
festival commemorating the
nailing of Martin Luther's 95
theses to the Wittenberg door
on October 31, 1517. Just
what we children wanted-a
thoughtful , reverent way to
·protest modern America's
descent into decadence and
downright un-Protestantism,
and for all that, probably
communism, too.
Times for celebration often
lead us to reflect upon the
things we are fortunate enough
celebrating. Thus with the of a world without Baptists?
present holiday, we pause here Mainly, it would be this: there
to ask: Exactly what does the would be no Bellevue.
Reformation mean to us, that Memphis would have lost a
is, what if the Reformation had venue much larger than Mud
never happened? The questions Island, a multimillion-dollar
beg the obvious answer: enterprise large enough to
Without the Reformation, we'd warrant its own off-ramp from
all be Catholic. But I see 1-40.
Save FedEx and
another, more striking truth: Graceland, Bellevue is the only
Without the Retormat1on, men;
thing keeping Memphis on the
would be no Baptists.
map.
'Not logically necessary,'
you protest. True, the absence
of Reformation does not
logically preclude the advent of
Baptists. But I submit the
Reformation's ethos of
opposition provided the fertile
ground in which the Baptist
shrub could flourish.
For what is the Baptist
shrub, if not an intricate
herbaceous system
of
interlocking branches of
opposition? Take as examples
the
oppositions
to
homosexuality and sexual
license, coarse language,
consumption of refreshing
alcoholic beverages, rock and
roll and other forms of the
devil's music, Democrats and
their evil abortion racket, the
ordination of female pastors, .~~~~~-~ilmillil
· d
A UNIQUE CHRISTMAS GIFT!
and CUltS (sic] Of all kin S, A lid cover of make belleve mi nk wlll
· l U Ing I Sl am, J U d a1sm , powd the room . touch rich ,elegance tornand"
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t made mi n k Is a deep, furr y pil e fa bric
M ormon1sm, an
mos of nylon a nd dyne!. · Was hes bea utifully
important) Catholicism.
· · da willranch mildew or shed. Ara lla bl e
· rk n ot brown or pla tinum grey
In
Clever ly gift packaged for
$
But these are abstractions, sh11irn ent ctirect 10 M ends.
. 498
Send ch eck or money order
ideological tangents with little .N9 c.o.n: s 1i1ea se.
·
postpaid
apparent impact on our own
TIMME CORPORATION
h
h t? _ B o x 1699 •Wilmington , N . C.
r- itv tn cl :-i v . Wh at s t e ups o .
·
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So no Reformation means
no Baptists means no Bellevue
means no Memphis. Which
means no Rhodes. Just think
of it-without Rhodes, we'd all
be at Vandy. Or would we be
able to tell the difference?
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'
�Treat or Trick?
by Julie Mciman
We're all familiar with the
idea of "trick-or-treating": one day
a year, we knock on our neighbors'
doors and demand candy. We also
give them the option of NOT
giving us candy, in which case we
wreak havoc on their happy homes,
their cars, or their unsuspecting
children. It's an amazingly
satisfying set-up when you're a kid,
because either way, you get what
you want; you get to choose
between candy or destroying
property ... and it's often difficult to
turn one of those options down.
I would like to reform the
idea of trick-or treating, for two
reasons: first, it's a bad message
for kids: Johnny learns that
violence is the next step to take if
his demands aren't met Second:
I'm too old to trick-or treat, and the
kids are the ones getting all the
candy.
I'm arguing for a fair
exchange of goods. If I give a kid
some candy, then I get to reach into
his or her bag and grab a handful in
return. If the kid doesn't have any
candy, then I get to hose him
down. (That's the "trick" part.)
Granted, it. doesn't teach Johnny
that violence is bad, but at least he
understands "an eye for an eye, a
tooth for a tooth," and all that
stuff. You give me candy, I give
you candy. You trick me, I trick
you.
Giving out candy at
Halloween is a little like paying
indulgences. Let's say you yelled
at a kid for walking through your
flower-bed, and you feel guilty; on
Halloween, you give him a double
scoop of candy, and automatically
you erase your overwhelming sense
of guilt.
However, under the new,
reformed idea of trick-or-treating,
there's no such thing as
indulgences. There's just plain
indulgence. You don't need lo
w
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neighlS 1n )
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creosin9
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you direcl ro
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JOSE:P II< ShDwroorTlo
f actor')'
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E cATALOG
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54
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comes with homefries and
toast. Not depending upon
. h
wh1c one I order,
I am
assured of eating a large
breakfast with everything
being made from scratch and
free refills on my coffee. All
of the breads and pastries
that are served are made at
the College Inn and range
from blueberry muffins to a
five grain bread. If you are
not into having a heavy
breakfast you can always
order fresh fruit, granola, a
pastry, or oatmeal. One can
walk out of Brother Juniper's
College Inn having devoured
probably the best breakfast in
//
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Refrns~in~
, -Re!c1
xmg .
.;ENJOY
''Ke-fur~mV'\fSh s ·nu.e..
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Memphis and pay under $5. If
you like the coffee or bread
that you had for breakfast
you can buy a pound of coffee
beans and/or purchase'.,a loaf
of homemade bread or some
muffins to take home with
you. While one may have to
sacrifice a little sleep to get
this breakfast before going to
class, you will be so wired
from the great cups of coffee
that you won't even notice
the hours of sleep that you
missed. Needlhss to say that
even if you don't like
breakfast or getting up before
most warm blooded animals
do you need to give this place
a try, but if you do like
breakfast then you need to
make a pilgrimage over to
Brother Juniper's College Inn.
As a side note, the College Inn
will be opening its doors during
the evening and functioning as a
coffee house from MondayFrid ay( 6-12) serving
cappuccino, espresso, pastries
and the possibility of a limited
menu. So, if you need a good
place to drink some superb
coffee or you just want a cool
place to go and talk the College
Inn i~
thA nlRr.A
The Anatomy of, not in,
My Underwear, or How
Underwear Reflects the
Inner You
BAlllE CREEK ,
?t_~l§:/1
SlEAM
VAPOR
BATH
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Sitting on the toilet
hoping for a nice bowei
movement, I cannot help but
notice my boxer shorts. Navy
blue with a tube sock pattern. I suddenly realize that
besides my girlfriend and
maybe my roommates, no
one has ever seen me in my
tube sock boxers. Nor my
soccerball pattern, nor my
polka dots, nor any of the
plethora of plaids in the underwear collection. My mom
has seen them, the boxers,
because she purchased most
of them.
If these patterns are
cool enough to be inside my
pants, next to my body, then
why not on the outside? I
envision myself walking
down the street with navy
blue tube socked pants. Of
course, I laugh, slap my face,
and replace the image of tube
socks with a nice denim. Underwear patterns are just not
acceptable as trousers. People would stare. Therein lies
the problem. I want to wear
navy blue tube socked pants.
I also do not want people to
stare. Boxer shorts, then, allow for the sublimation of
this fanatical desire to wear
oddly patterned pants. I can
put on the boxers and feel a
little crazy.
I know this is true
because after my movement I
am suddenly envigored. Was
it the jostling of my bowels? I
don't think so. I truly believe
the sight of my boxers gave
me a boost. That's why everybody wears zany boxers,
for that extra boost, for that
"old time religion" feeling.
At this point I have
to make some disclaimers. As
a guy, I'm writing this article
as if I were a guy. And not
y 0 - Can Have a
u
HE-MAN VOICE
STRENGTHEN your ••ice thi1
tested, scientific wa~ . Yes-yoo
0
•
may now be able t.o impr_ ve the
o
~ 0 w ER of your 1pe&k1,n2 and
aing;ing; voice . .• in ~h~ pnvacy of
your room! Self·tram!DI' les?Ons,
mo1tly1ilent. No mu11c requ1red.
FREE BOOKLET
"'' ..
'Yrit.e ,todr~~tfb:.o~fe~~~H!!~;br,evelop a Succeslful Voice."
tJ~g;erba ~ tel FREE! You must state your a~e . Boold~t
~.i1:d •;o~tp:id plain sealed
will
bother you. Send your name an ag;e
in
c. ~-~
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)
by Brian Dixon
!
"HOW
Every Tuesday morning my
alarm clock goes off. at
s: 4 sa.m. 1 then proceed ,in a
state of delirium, to stumble
to the bathroom and do the
necessary shit, shower, an~
shave routine. Although this ,
is a very horrific scene, '
Tuesday is a great day. Every
Tuesday for the past two
months I have gotten up in the
pre-dawn hours of the
morning and frequented my
favorite
place
to eat
breakfast, Brother Junipe.r's
College Inn. I usually arrive
some time after 6:30a.m. and
sit at my usual table in the
right corner. The same
waitress has always been
there every Tuesday since I
have been going to the College
Inn. She walks over and tells
me the coffee of the day and I
have a cup of it as usual. The
coffee beans are grown
organically and ground fresh
every morning, which makes
for a mean cup of joe. I order
either the breakfast special,
an omelette, or a #4 that
worry abour purging your guilt
bccau~ g!ving some kid a scoo~ of
candy isn l going to get you any
real forgiveness. (I'm talking
about salvation now.) You might
as well just reach back inro that
kid's bag and grab as much as you
can ...and indulge ... because
Hall~ween's not about Christianity
or saints or forgiveness. It's about
candy, and lots of it.
t-" Q__ , Luxurious -
dnveloK1GGT NoeWian
Prtftcl hie• l1stll1\1, J2S I . lat~Sll lld., Stadlt lM-51, tblCJfO &, Ill.
:Jc~ ~in gcfcbiiftl mil btr prr;
6o id> auff1ra9 brn ~irni~ rtP/
€5o &alb mn'n bicnr brn btngrl &ucfr/
~ i~ cin ~osn Pl'P9ro 9cbruift.
:Da bur~ tomk man etc ~un~ an taBf
:Dit mon lci~dicb btFommm mog.
Cl)or 1cifcn ~at man bic~tlcf?trsfcbn~n/
~" ~anQ bid\'un~ !l'41'b cr~Ucf> cnctiir.
just any guy. I'm writing as
if I were Brian Dixon. You
may not feel particularly
boisterous when you slip on a
pair of boxers. That's fine.
You may own some tube sock
pattern pants. That's great.
I'll stare at you when you :
pass, but that probably won't
bother you. You may be of
the opposite sex, and that
would be fine with me.
Anyway, back to un- ;
derwear. The same philoso- I
phy remotely applies to neckties and shirts, both of which
have been known to push the
limits of color theory and
taste. The difference here, of
course, is that neckties and
shirts are normally worn on
the exterior of a person. Perhaps, but this is only speculation, loopy ties and shirts are
for overly confident individuals. I would understand this
since many flamboyant people wear loopy, sometimes
brightly colored clothes.
They know that people will
stare. That's what they want.
I myself own many ties that
are a bit, shall we say, different. I'm not flamboyant, so
perhaps my theory is wrong.
Can you imagine, though, the
rush I get from wearing exuberant boxers and an equally
bozo tie? I'd compare it to
speaking in tongues or being
in a zone. Pretty cool, huh?
Thank you for being
patient. Next week we'll explore the anatomy in my underwear and how it fits in the
inner you.
•·
�Ten Most Underpublicized Grievances/ Theses
1. Last Rites should've had Colonel Bruce both nights
2. 'I Say we shall have no more marriages!'
3. Good Works unnecessary for salva!ion. You just
f gotta have faith-a, faith-a, faith.
4. Last album a little too ethereal.~
5. Nympho Nuns refuse to give up their habits.
6. Still can't believe the Cardinals lost to the Royals back
in the '83 series. Saberhagen is the devil.
7. Serving blush with the communion wafers? It should '
be a hearty Cabernet SavignonL
8. Two words: no sex.
9. Growing tired of the Papal Bull
10. Pope getting too liberal with damnations.
r
~ NOR;~y
~r,
7th Century
VIKIN~ SWORt>
i..L~·
Aulhrnlic in
Evur
btl• il
A COllECTOR"S ITEM m•dt ;,
N,,.,,
br uptrl cr•lhmtn, lo !ht tud tprc ilic. ·
liot11 of tht ori9in1I " Snultmo " 1wo1d
ihown 11 lht Unh·mily of 0110 Hvuum .
Solid b,.n hill wilh !ht .1ncirnl
dtcor•lioni
of !hr ori9in•I Vilmg Swo1d , wilh lint nidrl
tilvu bl•dt. Ovm11/ lr n9hl ninr •ndont·
~uultr inchu .
Uniqur conwrrHlion piru for homr 1nd
olfict. Pmllc.I p1pu lnilr lor dr1l , idul
ururlivr tilt ilrm . f"h sword is hind·
somrly gilt baud wilh .ccomp•nr ing boolltl
9i•in9 inlrrtdin9 ind infotm•l i"t .,chuo·
logiul dtl•ils of 01i9in1I sword . , . . S 5.00
W1ilr 101 rout Viling Sword tod., . Prompl
potlp•id delivtir. 8 d•rs 1tlu1n pri wilr9u .
Send chtcl or monrr 01dr1, No C001 plu1r.
NOR·WEGIAN SILVER CORP.
NORWAY HOUSE . O•pl. £. 10
290 H•di1on Awt . Nrw Yor l 11 , N.Y.
Ontological Ontology
With a Twist of Lime. or.
Memoirs of a MemoirThief. oart 2
by Martin Fox
strangely reminded of
the missing pages in
the books he had
checked out on Jack
Ruby, while trying to
avoid thinking about
himself as a composite
of cultural icons.
Distracted later
by thoughts of structure, s impact on
meaning, his searc~ for
a way to communicate
these
effeminate
shadows in poetic form
is forgotten. "Has our
emphasis
on
the
discovery of new
c on v en ti on s
been
gained at a loss of
meaningful content?"
h e
semi-consciously
writes on the board,
after failing to recall
the subject matter of
the prepdred lesson's
material.
Ap
unusually
precocious
student
attempts to gain favor
by remarking: "Perhaps
so -- but isn't the reader
also forced by such an
approach to connect the
incidents with his or
her own collection of
symbols and experiences
in effect
causing the story to be
written again each time
it is read?"
•in the room
You are sitting on your
The Rat's
Ass is
ancient couch reading a bit of Le.
assembled by a crack staff
Marte D'Arthur when you are
i of Rhodes students and/or
overcome by the sofa's
publish_ed
·n· gness to share its olfactory i friends,
Wl m
. ..
whenever the staff feel like Clay Combs
history . You respond by igmtmg
it, and distributed ~or mass Mike Augspurger
a small incense cone you rec.en~ly
rn the Charles Schafer
1 consumption
purchased at Walgreen's. W1thm
r domain of actual campus Pat Garrett
instants, a dizzying flurry ~f
publicatons, the Rat. Martin Fox
tumult and violence erupts mto
1
Obviously there are n_o Chris Brown
your tiny cubicle. When the dust
I restrictions on what ~s Ross Gohlke
clears, you are handcuffed; a. .
I published.
There ts Brian Dixon
detachment of collegiate qmsh?gs
I neither regard for, nor Julie Meiman
and uniformed enforcers is re~mg
1 claim of, truth, so don't
you your rights in unison, which
I get on usabout i~. ~eel
takes about two seconds. You f~el
\ free to send contr1but1ons
oppress ed . With rational chagrin,
Iand/or letters via campus
you realize you are.
.
imail to any one of the
*** If any of the preceding
\ poor souls listed here.
·os struck a major chord
I
see nan
h"
"th you then think about t is:
Wl
•
h"
you can change the way t mgs
I
are. M ass concerted action is the
\
way to go. This is our college,
\
let's take it back!
I
E ' t Q U E. ITE:
\
~--~
\
\
Indulgence Vendor
II Papa
Extreme Unction
Knight Templar
Damned to Hell
Arminian
Reprobate
90 Weight Feces
Spanish lnquisitrix
' r
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, Volume, October 29, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 09
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 29, 1993. After the sparse offerings of the previous issue, a return to form can be seen here. The headline reads "Special Reformation Issue!!" Clay Combs comments on Halloween and the Baptist Church, and Julie Meiman follows with a piece on trick-or-treating. Brian Dixon ponders underwear patterns, Chris Brown reviews Brother Juniper's College Inn, and Charles Schafer gives a call to action. Martin Fox closes the issue.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Julie Meiman, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Charles Schafer, Martin Fox, Mike Augspurger, Ross Gohlke
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81d2e70945cf99cb8eeaab1d40a3b211.pdf
756ec3adfa17146450f8c19ee6e59de3
PDF Text
Text
>o not let Grey Hairs
app e ar.
/j
.
Friday 15 October 1993 Volume 2 Number 8
"'Winner ef the prestigious %ome
.
cotntng 'lJanner Contest tliree gears ntnning"
Hamblin' Leaf
It was one of those days
about which I don't care a
fecal molecule. You know,
at least I do, a day that my
mutant cousin would
record in her dog-eared
"history" book. Anyway,
temporal
characters
aside, I happened to be
supine
beneath
a
cancerous oak, struck
senseless by the mystery
of driven oscillators and
their curvaceous nonlinearities. Oh, how I
adore the simplicity of
straight lines ... and then
came Einstein, slashing
Euclid with his glistening
Occam Razo; . Blimey,
what a bloody mess. There
he
lay
dise m b o w e I ed,
his
convu !sing guts crying
out in some gastric
semaphore. The flagging
colon, pancreas and
thyroid gestured in brave
geome:~y.
Aias, th ey
collapsed in a glutinous
heap.
The genius won, Euclid
lay bent forever. Who
knows, he might have
been gay, jolly, happy,
all smiles with Gabriel
about Pythagorus'
hypotenuse. Maybe, maybe
not. No matter how
geometry hightaileq to the
Pearly Gates, there were
undeniably intestines wedded to Momma
Earth. The squirrels
came. Chipmunks
scattered. Squirrels went.
The stench of fermenting
bile
tickled
Diehl's
nostrils. Thank God the
chap's mettle lay tested
(brass).
Flies. Hoards of them.
Red, blue, green, and
even a few pleasant
pastels. Glittering in the
sun, nature's jewels.
Even Newton's prism
couldn't have done better.
The gems did the Lord of
the Flies proud, circling
their fare like gnats. The
rats
congragated,
shrieking their courieranthem through gnashing
incisors. They waited. The
flies danced their dance,
waltzing to the rats from
Euclid's elements, their
sucking pads mating ratf ur. Off went those
~ ouriers,
through
earth's
orifices and holes
in Gothic foundations,
· oblivious of $500 . 95
chairs two storeys above.
The Flies left, summoned
by bifocaled Piggies. No
~~~~~~~~~~- naval officer in peak caps.
·
.
Bacteria would finish
/ " / l f / r s e.-Euclid's
I kne.w
. ..:-·-=a ( vv~
. '. "'"""' .
.,
·· ..
'-
·»
U ld t
mol~cules.
T~ ,.. ff1n~ ~nrl
• i • ""!'
r; •
r -·
~
, H w could they?
couldn t. 0
X Rays
Mutated by
on
and
spread-eagle
waxed trays.
I to dust,
oust to bowe s
was
ashes to ashes. F~~ was
never the same,
Physics.
(by dipak)
THE N ARCISSUS
�... As faculty and students
of one of ~he most prestigious
universities in the world, and
most Politically Correct I
might add, I challenge all of you
to take hold of the
breakthroughs of science and
dispel the antiquated myths of
our countrymen and our world.
To enlighten your brothers and
sisters and proclaim the truth
that man is a complex and
intricate machine run by
chemicals and hormones and
that man has no soul or "ghost"
running the machine.
The most destructive idea
that has burdened man is this
notion of a "soul" or "spirit"
that resides within every
pernon. This idea has caused
men throughout history to
oppress thinkerE, stifle the
progress of civilization, and
shackle itself in the chains of
religion. What a glorious day it
will be when all men know and
understand that emotions such
as lovs, happiness, hate, anger,
sexual preference, and
depression are only outward
signs of the chemical
processes taking place in the
human body. Now that we no
longer need a "soul" or "spirit"
to explain these emotional
phenomena, mankind is freed to
be what he is, a machine.
With the gospel of science,
we can dispel the idea of "God"
or "gods" that we have come to
accept merely as archaic
traditions based 0n false
information. The ideas ensuing
from these traditions must be
abandoned, no matter how
psychologically appealing. The
day has come for our chemists,
biologists, psychiatrists,and
geneticists to replace our
ministers and priests. The
college campus is now the place
where the salvation of science
can come to man.
Morality.ethics, human
rights, justice, and dignity are
to be given up and the
promotion of self (i.e. survival
of the fittest) is to become the
golden rule of human life. This
is the "morality" that we need
to call our race to obey. Let us
take the key of science and
release our genmation from the
bonds of religion.Thank you,
good night, and may Darwin
bless you all.
....
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results,
~ny time, any day .
Absolutely pure, llnd
nothing ir, it to en·
·courage j!rowth of
superftuous Hair.
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Mike Augspurger
Chris Brown
Clay Combs
Brian Dixon
Martin Fox
Jeff Gadomski
Pat Garrett
Dtpak Ghosh
Ros::l Gohlke
Julie Meililan
Charles Schafer
Don't miss next week's
surprising and insightful
Memojrs of a Memojr-thjef
episode:
0 n to Io g i ca I
Ontology With a Twist of
3
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g.
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ask faith and reason:
the advice column that is
really super
Ah yes," the other
party replies, "but you miss
the implied critique of the
conventional
fo rm s
of
_ fiction, a practice which we
1
crack redactor
crack columnist
crack c?lumnist
«':ack ven..ior
cracked
crack athi'.c ker
rack er Jftck
crack head
crack l'-•· 0 H;
crack pct
"the crack of dawn"
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•HAT
L.i.m.e.!
potentially
workab le
ambiguity occurs to him and
is unfortunately forgotten
before it can be written
down. "Contextual analysis
reveals,• he continues, "a
decided lack of substance
which has been exchanged
for trendily disconnected
lines of prose and ill-defined
metaphors.•
ft!
crack staff box:
~
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
~od.J"-- ~~' d~~~;r ~r.~~~crocht'~:;:!: •
•
uayCream
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, !he Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
the point where It fits most
nicely
th ese
few
paragraphs, taken in the
correct light, could be the
undoing of our entire cuiture
-- the dawning of a new
intellectual era.•
r
Prevents Obesity.
.,••-- ....--.0 •••,
..-
./ 'PomeroJJ
uays
or
Magic
ang
8§..strajnt. or. Memoirs of a
Memojr-Tbjef. part I
by Martin Fox
Rehearsals of death
wound down slowly as he
left the funeral parlor and
became obsessed with
wearing inner tapestries.
the need for narrative flow,
or plot, waned as he walked
that lonely city of ghosts.
'Why have characters, or
t, even interaction ... ?'
He
murmured a bit too loudly
. into a cup of cheap coffee,
unaware that the rest of !he
diner's patrons overheard
him and would note this
remark in their reports to
the central committee.
'Divisive forces surround
us.' he continues to sub'Does it matter
vocal ize.
where they originate?"
Now seeing the next
potential segue in the letter
he plans ~c write to th 3
editor of the Oswa ld
assassination magazine, he
leaps up and rushes out of
the restaurant, forgetting to
pay the bill, and not noticing
the shift in tense.
Two months later, he sits
at his desk attempting to
avoid dozing off, as a
I
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,, Some Caiders. Yeast will quickly r«ise
. 1 A lad tho.~ keeps· for sev'ral ·a ays.
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Dear Faith and Reason,
moral
Are
there
absolutes? I want to know because
if there aren't, how can we find a
meaningful way to live our lives -also, wouldn't that make obeying
ru~es point.less and silly?
Sincerely,
NoahB. Leaf
Faith: Well, for starters, there
are moral absolutes. Just look at
the Bible. You cut out the stuff
that takes them for granted and -hey -- instant pocket Bible. What
kind of question is that, anyhow?
No moral absolutes, my foot.
Reason : Hmmm... I don't know.
This question is a real toughie.
The existence of moral absolutes
bas plagued humanity for a long
time, at least since I got to
college, and nobody's convinced
everybody else yet. Maybe if ~
talk around it I'll say something
profound.
Let me think... .
Nobody would disagree that we
have moral relatives. I mean,
everybody has what I call an "Aunt
Gertie figure" -- you know, that
chaste teetotaler you avoid at
family reunions because she's just
no fun. Also, there are plenty of
nonmoral absolutes -- laws of
science and such .
This is
beginning to bore me. I think the
point is, it's a lot more fun if you
don't buy into this whole m:.• .-1
thing. Especially the "abso2.:ite"
part. Tbere,s net enough mom &
aor
interpretation, really. Anyway,
obeying rules is pointless ~nd
st:ty, especially when you can tell
the room doesn't have those
rotating cameras. Also, abou, that
"meaning" stuff, give it up. It's a
waste of time. Just get one of
those goal-setting books and
adopt a wellness plan .
Clay's Column
by Clay
You can't come home again
Well, folks, it's fall and
we've sailed with little pomp
past another anniversary of the
greatest album of the 1980s
(The Unforgettable Fire) and
the leaves are sweetly tumin'.
All that can only mean one
thing, of course. It's time for
}lomecoming.
Ah, Homecoming! When
alums from the great collegiate
days of yore come back for a
look at the old school. When
class ;reunions bring together
old chums and kindle
bittersweet memories of
simpler, more innocent times.
When the mild-mannered folks
over in Development lick their
chops in a delirium of delicious
antich;ation. (Didn't they tell
you '1~ great privilege of being
an alumna/ us
is
the
opportunity to be hit up for
dough for the construction of a
$17 million weight room, the
glorious final step in the Make
Rhc,des More Like Vandy
campaign?)
Yes, it's Homecoming and
I, for one, couldn't be more
excited. Only once a year do
we aiums get the chance to see
so uiany of the people we've
"lost track of.'' The sweet bird
of scheduled chance meetings.
Imagine all those tres bons
nwts in one place!
Herewith, a sample
conversation, with subtexts:
Happy and Successful
Alum #1: Hey. . . [pause just
long enough to make it
obvious he or she doesn 't
remember the other person's
name] How are you doing?
It's so good to see you. [You
were in my path as I was
heading for the keg. Why
don't you go be in someone
else's way?]
Happy and Successful
Alum #2: Oh, hi. .. [similar
pause that says, 'I know the
name, but I can't place the
face'] I'm doing great. What
are you doing with yourself
these days? [Hitting the sauce
a little hard, there, o ren't we ?
One nwre brew and you migti
spew from here to Palmer
Hall.]
HSA #I: Just wrapped up
a doctorate at Stanford .
Comparative Lit. What about
yourself? [Bet you didn't even
get into grad school. Or
perhaps a Master's in Social
Life, Correspondence School
U.?]
HSA #2: I'm a junior
partner in a firm down in
Atlanta. [More money than
you'll ever dream of, btJy.]
HSA #1: Sounds great.
[Shoot me if I ever aspire to
junior partnership in
anything.] Don't you love it
down there? [That provincial
backwater?]
HSA #2: Oh, yeah, it's
fantastic. [pause for just the
appropriate half-second] Well,
I'm going to move on. [...
and talk to someone with a
life.] Take care of yourself.
[Don't spew.]
::SA #I: Okay, you do
the same. [Yeah, whatever.]
Give my love to Tracy.
[Raving bitch stood me up
one night junior year.]
[Please, God, keep the coast
clear all the way to the keg
this time.]
Sounds
idyllic .
:fomecoming, here we come!
�Mr. Wiggleston :
Last Friday after
my last class,
I
rushed to the Rat to
see what sort of
trash
was
being
printed in that most
meaningless of campus
rags, the Rat's Ass.
f i r St
My
disappointment came
at the eight of the
blatant carelessness
with
which
the
•femininity
speed
issue" was assembled.
Yet
my
astonishment was made
absolute as I perused
your
verbose
and
odious interpretation
of my "poem" as you
called it, only to
--------·-- ------------·
'YUMKAX
"De Reszke"
Dios del Maiz
(God of Corn)
~CIGARETTES
f'.ra1 bestowed by 11116iased judgc1 is convinse
cmg. .The fol.lowing opinions• of" De Reszke"
A 111enrm1 Cigarettes arc · those of well-known
·. ~ people whose words
r~ must carry weight:-
.
A. G. G•rdioer Esq
discover, much to my
'-- write~ :-" I find tho · u~
-'
Restke • A ,,..rican Cigarown amazement (not to
-" etr~s mott es:oellentdehcate and lndlYidual in
mention
disgust),
flavour, a P«fect harmony
of qualit1.
that my name was
po~ald C~hhrop, E1q. write1 :
.,I 11 ke I he De Reszko ' ';l ,,.,,.ican
associated with an
C1gann tes extremely, ~nd con.
sJ::er them excellent Jn e vcr1
anti-American jab at
way."
the
Vietnam
War
• Othu oplnio111 In other .. De
Reu:ke" oJocrliumenl.s
evoked
by
purely
Sold at a ll Military Can teens
at Ho me and Overseas also
sexual imagery and
T obacconists and Stores. '
the rape motif .
11/EDICAL OPIN ! Ol .
I
suppose
I
"JU BO L . is a1~ ex ccl~ e nt combina li? n ~f acti\·e ~gc:_n ts fo r th ~ l rea~~
should be grateful to
m e nt of mtest111al ch sorde rs. It 1s l11g hly succe",,ful . ~o r .ch rom e
constipa tion, re -e du catio n o f th e in testin e, and fac1litat111g the
you
for
your
di gesti ve p rocess, while it as ~ i~.t s. in pre \·ent 111g th e deve lopme nt. o f
adoration
of
my
e nterocolitis.
Its well -esta blisll ed effic a c ~· d esen·es th e a ttention
poetic skills, but
o f p hysicia ns as 1re ll as s uffe re rs to th e me rit s o f ~ CBO T_. ."
the fact is, I am not
Dr. JE .-\:\ S.-\LO :\IO:\", Pa ns :\f e tl1 cal F ac ulty.
even a po.e t.
Truth
be known, those four P ·":>arcd b~· J. [.. Cli~tclain , Ph.
little lines you so c ·· -~ :u ist , l'aris. Ca n he o hta111l•tl from a ll
-: :nists a n<l tlr ttJ.;' s tores, o r
graciously praised c:--~·· t. po'it frt' •', from the-.~
l- - :: -> h ant.l C 1ilo nia l 1\ g-t• nt ~.
were never meant to c::::tP , . . .J... ,1..,, j1 ~.....t I' h ar 111 a ~ r is ts
reaoh the light of l V ·:q; 11 L hc1111sb . •'J I, Pk1·a - an d
..; . London . \ \"., fro m
day.
Several weeks " :. ·rn a lso can be h a ll, p os t
i- - . th
rxp
ago
I
was
baby- b...;.;Jetse : fu'll:-=.r:il.'nla nato ry
·
t :.:.~ R <'111 c1
lics ' a nti
sitting a four year ' ·~ - ~ .~ t isc o n Di1..~t .'
old
in
a
house
without a TV , and,
being hard- pr essed to
keep
the
t ot
l ·
1>
entertained, I was
forced to resort to a
astime I
learned
long ago at Vac ation
B '1
ble School- cutting
out random words from
old
N a t i o n a l
Geographic magazines
and
:making
word
collages. The little
brat cried all night
because
his
last
baby-sitter
had
brought with her a
Nintendo G ...;..~boy, and
I was cold turkey.
Since I'd already
put the cement glue
(I found a jar under
the parents' bed) on
the paper, I forced
the
unthankful
enfante terrible to
stick some words to
it so the sausage
rinds in the trash
wouldn't stick to it
when I threw it away,
which I promptly did,
but not before the
borish bairn wrote my
name at the bottomhis idea of hilarious
revenge.
Apparently those
rascally Rat ' s Ass
editors (at least I
agree
with
your
assessment of them)
were digging through
dumpsteco later in
the week, looking for
a wholesome meal, and
dug
out
that
me a ningless p iece of
"poetry" and stuck it
in their trashy paper
for
a
lack
of
material .
I'm sorry for t he
mix - up.
But, du.ie ,.
g-et a life .
-Ross Goh l ke
�
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, October 15, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 15, 1993. The headline reads "Homecoming Issue!" The front page offers the ramblings of Dipak Ghosh, while the centerfold holds a satirical piece by "Dr. Rev. Mr. W. E. Coyote", and shorter pieces by Martin Fox and Clay Combs. The back page hosts Ross Gohlke. This issue is relatively sparse in terms of quantity of pieces when compared to the previous few.
Creator
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Dipak Ghosh, Martin Fox, Clay Combs, Ross Gohlke, Mike Augspurger, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Julie Meiman, Charles Schafer, Pat Garrett
Source
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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The Rat's Ass
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81a904812cef2279ef980584fdca1756.pdf
16de7ad6520ab3bd3e24d58445c36d82
PDF Text
Text
-
•A Beacon of Self-Righteousness in these Evil Times•
(~
~\
11
Volume II Issue 6
excerpt from "I am Womban Hear
Me Roar" by Stacey Greenberg
was okay I 1 .
My final eighteen-wheeler
~om.b b~t sa~a~~ed around The
delivered me to the front door of
e Window th
one. Out of
an inviting bar called "The
empty. Just
streets were
Womb". I labored my worn out
~~~ed t~ the ta~ eyes
body and belongings through the
stared
bottle
swinging doors, plopped down
wonderinr up and down is ey. I
into a plush pink booth, and
ordered a Wild Turkey straight
hiding tha~ whdere she had b
up, no feathers. The waitress
hypothesis~"' fonned a solfden
rore Ipoured myself
gobbled knowingly and produced
my drink from behind her back.
"Mind if I join you?" she
said.
I was used to this
question. "As long as you don't
ask me what my sign is."
She produced another
Turkey and coke from under her
skirt, smiled, and joined me in the
booth. She sat so close that I felt
like a twin. "I know an aries
when I see one," was all that she
said, but she seemed to know
what she was talking about. She
looked like a wildflower and
smelled like honey. I started to
envy the bees.
"Oh yeah? About the only
thing I know right away is
whether a guy has a big penis." I
was nervous. I always talked
a shot S
about penises when I was
Propo~ed he did the
nervous.
"o-a toast.
same and
She licked her lips and
nere'
111·
And s to us "
said, "To tell you the truth I think
lvi1randa.
that's h OW[
.
penises are becoming obsolete."
met
This one I had never heard
before. A chill ran up my spine
and froze my nipples. I was
being seduced by a woman and it
u:
h~ntire
~f~~ _n~w
Tbe Rat's Ass is assembled by
a crack staff of Rhodes students
and/or friends, published
whenever the staff feels like it,
and distributed for mass
consumption in the domain of
actual campus publications, the
Rat. Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published. There is neither
regard for, nor claim of ~th,
so don't get on us about it.
Feel free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus mail
to anyone of the poor souls
listed here.
~
Jll
-:::: J"- '~
..
LNOVL.GWl ~OUR HlS
suPER
poWER
Pandora's Staff sox
StaeeY Qreenberg
Chuck scbafer
Mike Augspurger
Julie MeimaD
Ross Gohlke
cbriSBrown
Spite
Hate
Ma}ice
Penis Envy
JealOUSY
Halitosis
DuldrUJllS
Clay combs
l)iarrbea
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
canker Sores
�Real World Productions
by Jeff J. Gadomski
As the Rat's Ass Staff
Stripper and Rhodes College
ex-patriot, I, too, have a voice.
And my voice has a few choice
words for you', the great
"educated" masses: Oh please.
After having several weeks
worth of Rhodes daily minutae
literally thrown at me by my
fellow staffers and no less than
unfortunate roommates, I have
come to the acute realization
that perhaps some Rhodes folk
are not quite ready for what we,
speaking for everyone else in
the whole of the known
universe, like to call the real
world. Not to say that it
shouldn't be called the real
universe, but I figure if you're
not ready for your own world
yet, chances are you're
definitely not ready for the rest
of it. Let me further explain
by offering up a small test of
your Real World Adaptability
Times (RAT). Now, in this
case, we won't actually be
timing you for real (contrary to
the premise behind this
column) because, again, you're
probably not ready for it. Are
you wearing a watch with a
second-hand? I rest my case.
In any event, simply answer
the questions given and tally
up your score using the key
following the test. Ready?
Go:
1) You're at the office of the
leasing agent for your
apartment.
The annoying
women helping you has just
informed you that you will not
be given your original deposit
because, they say, you forgot
to wipe off the bathroom sink.
This will easily cost them the
FRYE'S FAMOUS BOOTS .
f ine quality
$100 you gave them in order to
have it taken care of.. .they say.
How do you respond to this
unfortunate dilemma?
a) Cry until they give you
the money
b) Tell them your daddy is
a lawyer, call him up, and have
him yell at the mean old lady.
c) Nimbly leap the counter
in order to better throttle the
woman with your bare hands
so as
to procure your money.
d) Say "OK. Thank you,"
quickly and ashamedly exit the
building without further ado
like the spine-less worm of a
wimp that you are.
2) Due to unfortunate and
untimely
financial
circumstances, you are being
hounded by any number of
people who like referring to
themselves as "collection
agencies" (not to be
misconstrued as "mafia"). The
money that they would like,
you do not happen to have and
are most likely not going to
find in the cushions of your
second hand couch. How do
you react to the nasty phone
call precluding an untimely and
surely unnatural accident that is
sure to follow?
a) Whine until they kill
you for humanity's sake.
b) Call your daddy, explain
the situation, and have him
send them the money.
c) Have your number
changed right after having your
hair colored and moving out of
state.
d) Offer them your
girlfriend, invite them to
Thanksgiving dinner at your
place, and thank them for
calling you a spineless piece of
puffed-up blowfish shit.
3) You have no food at your
apartment. You have just
moved and opened up a brand
new checking account. You do
not have your ATM card yet
and your checks are those plain
complimentary ones they give
you at the bank (not the cool
"Natural Scenery" ones that
you special ordered). After
spending 2 hours shopping at
the local grocery store, the
cashier tells you in her best !can't-believe-what-an-idiot-youare voice that they cannot
accept bank checks that have
no address printed on them. It
is after 5pm and the bank is
closed. You have a total of 79
cents in change on your
person. What is the logical
thing to do?
a) Put on your best pouty
face and hope the cashier thinks
it's so cute she gives you the
food.
b) Call your daddy, have
him fly in from Boston, and
make him pay for the food.
c) Beat the cashier soundly
about the face and head with
the bag of oranges you had
wished to purchase and make a
break for the door with as
much food as you can carry in
your shirt.
d) Realize the futility of
arguing with the GED failure
standing in front of you, thank
her, and head for Taco Bell
where you can have 5 whole
tacos that might even last you
until your checks arrive.
So. There you have it.
That's the test. How did we
do? As far as scoring goes, if
you answered anything except
D for . any of the above
questions, you're in for a very
large surprise when school's
over and your parents have
given you the "We didn't raise
a sponge" speech. If you
answered C, however, make
sure and send all your old
college buddies letter from the
"joint" because you and your
new wife, Billy Joe Jim Bob,
are going to have a lot of free
TO: REV. DAUGHDRILL
time on your hands.
--l
FROM: chns brown
Now then , I hope you all - I
DATE: OCTOBER 1, 1993
have learned a valuable lesson :;:from this. Stop all ·of your U
SIR, I also find the death
.
pathetic little crying and T I
but your attempt to conso~f ~~land Smith saddening,
whining about such stupid, ~
probably did more h
h e e student body
trivial little things that Rhodes
your memorandum r~:;n:~t~ood. I find this one section of
is doing, Certain things, such ·.-Ll
.
as Prof. Byers leaving ,
"There is little comfort in
.
.
,
educational standards of \I)
teaching, and other issues that. V'>'
we norm~l/y follow. The on~h~a r~~1onal and intellectual pursuits
concern your schooling and
comes with acceptance and fait~ mg comfort is the peace that
lmaz1ng New Way to
, a peace that passes u d
general life after school are, in
Even though th'
n erstanding.aEou
fact, important and should be
and that Judais's ~hool teaches that the Bible .
whined about as such .
I ask you to d. mis a coalescing of Mesopotam· ts full _ error
o_f
the size of your
However, when it comes to
1sconnect yo
.
tan reltg1ons
things like the "new" candle
io disow~ inte11ectua1 pursuY; ~·~hds from your emotions; ,
o trade in the r .
e name of psy h I .
.. .
.
•
and open-flame restriction
and to take I at~onal for the irrational
c o og1cal comfort for the k
.. ·- ..... "i.ake
imposed on dorm rooms (by no
so ace in th t
.
sa e of relig' . c'ilhbecause timeless word a keveryth1ng will be ok
No·""' -:···....
ton, iioW'
means intended to demean last
and Ii
s ta en from b
•
FA11 cuE 1
... ,
,
•
week's brilliantly elocuted
ttered With quasi-answ
a OOk fuf/ Of myth
~ R ci;nla r u f ~lcln,.·A·~,;i,;,;1· 'r cilt c
se.o
article by our own Julie
should be enough to soothe ;;: wh_ich must be heavily filtered
:;,~~se~~~"·~~:·~:·e :?l~~;:x;~;i;~~:.ffi~;~~~
On the contrary th' .
e pain and sorrow of 1· . .
by the educated m1·nd
;o .1o n c -1he
Meiman, a fellow Catholic and
Th '
• IS IS Utterly d'
.
IVtng in th'
/
is college teache .
isgustmg and re u
is word.
,n AT H OME
a damn fine complainer) or the
and that on t
h S tts students that this , h p gnant to anyone Who th· k
.
.iilc you rend yo ur
food in the Rat, look at it this
.
in s.
... or even sleep
new SYnt heSIS COncemin t we should t rust ft and COme tOB'bl e IS
.op t at , tha
. s w at the I
" '
...m AT THE OFFICE
.
·· · ~ ;.l "t;.. Y ..ope n,-yo ur mail.
o,u
way: if you don't like it, don't
I would th
g our tntellectu I
.
a
, ~ ''~p,g1; TH AN 3s o ooo OW NE
be the first in line to give the (}.J
ra er be a nihilist then b II
_ pursuits and faith
a
'"·n"~' \1)111Rc!nli-A-cizor 'is th e smart,.!~
school money when you -<
~oorryca/Rled "Christian college" sellsetoe~te in the god that this .
i~;!~;ji;.;r~,·,~;~,.;~ ~~ r;~';; ~':., ·:~oi::
ev. Mr. D th k
I s students
\ii' rf'I~ t >n "notch or SO' • ••
graduate. If the school didn't
, an S but no tha k
•
."·> " 01 A VIURA TOR ... not a m e
a!Sa
.
0 S.
· f'° · J ~e . . . No diet or. wci gl 1t loss involve~
have all it's private funding, it
.
. I . Las Vegas castno
ha nk s. l o mode rn science. Helnx-A-c izor r :
.
'lj "j' me by nc <u nll y exe rcisin g yo ur mu scle",
might be slightly more
Patty tn t he ear/y 1960sI working as a crgarette gtr tn a
,,..' ·' '
w II e you '""·
attentive to the students rather
, ~.• MOH E FA CT S ... yo urs f o r· the o k
,... ~ ·
J.:rg.k Se n,~ coup on for F REE illu s t rn t!led
than to their parents.
oo le t , ln s lnnt Exe r cise " - il 's FREE
OF cosr on OBLI GAT ION !
If you really want
H
.ATIONWl 'l E! NEW YORK CITY 711
Fifth Avenue, MU a. 4690 • CH ICAGO
something to whine about,
IL~INOIS , 17 Nort h State St reet '
. Suite 800, ST 2- 5680 • LOS ANGEL ES'
8
why not call your parents and
; ~~~l:~aRr~~A'oC g.s~i~h. L~o~;0~~~.1
; ~~f: ~y6 57 Bloor St reet West;
ask them to send money in
I
order to fund your favorite
J ~- . A
,,~~
''; ~·® '",,,..,., • •
axtt.ciz or ·-··-publication. Or, perhaps, to
, '. . "
I
use the money in order to bail
this writer out of jail after he
gets arrested for blatantly using
1• ~g~:~.~~.~,;~'. ~~~ 1~~"''
I
a copyrighted name to title his
·--· ft. ·-· . ·-· II Send me the "J~STANT EXER CISE" book let with- I
article. Next week: "Letters ;~~
~
outMcRost or obli ga tion - send In pl ain pac ket. I
.....~ , ..,,..
I 0 '
0 MRS.
0 MISS
from the joint -- greenbacks
I NAM E.
I
" ClTY
ADDRESS
I
and what to do without them."
. '\
.. ... ' '- • ••
~
I
------ZONE__ I
Now that's the real world for
,.c·~· '- ·••.
'
I I STATE _ _ _ _ PHONE
I
you.
·~~
T'
CE
W
•
"
i ;.:
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atSTLINE'
..
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tb
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·" "· '"'"'
,....... <b
.A
fi~
---
um-• • ••••-- J9
- --oMy
(ex)
~:u;~:;;~:nd
a mil ·
was
J.tant feminist
·~) She burnt bra s .
~
I' burnt my toga .
U) N""l
1 Im Independent .
~~
LJ
--:;
•\<~
-~-·· .
Al
.....,
--~!!OllU:tiiC.
Dipak
ps, I HAVE gre e k
friends
. ..
0
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�New News from the Old
Testament
By Pat "Zippetty Doo Da"
Garrett, Mike "From E to Z"
Augspurger, and Chuck "Busy
B" Schafer
The Bible as compiled by
monks of yore left many
chapters and books out of the
final edition. This recently
excavated chapter from the
book of Job (rhymes with
globe, robe, and ear lobe) gives
rise to an interesting new
interpretation.
Chapter 15b Job: I have heard
many things like these;
miserable comforters are you
all! God assails me and tears
me in his anger and gnashes
his teeth at me; my opponent
fastens on me his piercing
eyes. You are wrong, I am
right, na nanee boo boo stick
your heads in doodoo.
Bildad: But don't you believe
in retributive justice? You
must have done something
horrendous to deserve all these
boils. Are you sure you don't
ever spill your seed on the
ground or let your daughter see
your feet? Come on now.
Eliphaz: God assails you!
And yet you say you have been
pious? Hmmm. God says
he'll be good to faithful
believers, you are a faithful
believer, and you're covered
with pus. Waketh thee up, my
son! Thou needeth counseling.
Zophar: Alright, stop, castrate
it, and listen,
God is back with a brand new
dementia,
Somethin's gonna grab you
tightly,
Pain-in-all-your-boils daily and
nightly,
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't
know,
Check out my beat and let the
blood flow.
I am Zophar the rappin'
Naamathite
And I'll bu~t a move on your
.
God th mg plight
Bildad: That was a righteous
move you busted, Zophar.
Job·
G.
.
ive me not that
fai~less blaspemy, my posse!
You re not down with trustin
g
the Lord of Hosts!
Bildad: He's more like the
Lord of Hostess Snacks
judging by that white stuff
over you. It reminds me of
Little Deborahs.
·
Eliphaz: If it were only true
that Twinkies had an infinite
shelf life!
Zophar: Now Job my fresh
friend, you do not listen,
You be way wrong in dis
funky down position.
Naked you popped from yo'
mama's ole womb,
And now you all sored up
lookin' like a buffoon.
Womb. Buffoon. Boom.
Boom. Chica chica.
Scratch, chica, chica, scratch,
scratch, chica, BOOM. .. .
a1i
ed. note: The text moves
along in something of the
same vein for approximately
200 more lines. We thought
this was plenty.
by Brian Dixon
Anti-freeze Apple
Liquod Lead
Bloody Mary Red
Molasses
Cajun Blackened Banana
Dazzling Draino
Barney Sweat
Bruised Fruit
Super Premium Unleaded
Pock Mark Punch
�
Dublin Core
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 01, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from October 01, 1993. The headline reads, "Special Space-Filler Issue". Accordingly, it features fewer pieces than most other issues. A selection from Stacey Greenberg's "I am Womban Hear Me Roar" is featured on the front page. The centerfold houses an article from Jeff Gadomski instead of his customary comic strip. Chris Brown writes a strong letter to Rev. Daughdrill, and Dipak Ghosh's poem hides in the bottom right hand corner. The back page has a piece from Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, and Chuck Schafer in which they reveal a previously unknown chapter of Job. Brian Dixon lists ten rejected Kool-Aid flavors.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stacey Greenberg, Jeff Gadomski, Chris Brown, Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Julie Meiman
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0ece185c3e0b6d6a0257b7a0ae5aaa48.pdf
d75596bbe18a2b2ad1328b0bd3960c96
PDF Text
Text
ain't never had it.
Issue 5
I
Top Ten Cool Features of the
New Israeli-PLO Honda Peace
Accord
by Brian Dixon
10. Anti-lock brakes
9. "Y asser" personalized plate
8. A-ooh-ga horn
7. Tinted windows throw off
angry right wing PLO
members
6. Steel belted radios
5. Plush wall to wall
carpeting
4. "How to Talk Like a
Trucker" manuel included with
CB
3. James Bond oil slick feature
- standard
2. Runs on sand
1. Wimp's a camel's ass
I
I
I
I
•
I
I
I
t
l
)
~
My (ex)girlfriend was
a militant feminist.
She burnt bras.
I burnt my toga.
[:>
I'm Independent.
~
·~
Dipak
ps. I HAVE greek
friends...
~·
'fJ
~
~
~
-
6 "'
,9 ~
-:-7\~·
. VJ~
7'J
•
September 24,
�most introspective of all
seasons, fall, the time defined ' Barney Must Be Destroyed
Late last night I was
by ferment, the time whose f
l trying to write an English
raison d'etre is to move things
Clay's Column
by Clay
Lazarus Speaks, or,
Why You Should Love Fall As
Much As I Do
•paper, which naturally led
J to my thinking about Barney
•the Dinosaur, and all the
trouble he has winning the
I'm a nut for fall.
•·hearts of American adults.
ballistic every time it
Why don't more people like
, Barney? Hmmm. Is it
around. If I have the chance, . &;,,·'" 11
with t11e help of the liberal free~
' ~ ~ \/ · .,:
because its mindless,
press, to share my joy with t11e :·
. -' . . '.
r
, puerile crap? No, it can't
reading public,
do it wi~ as ~ ·
-- _
'
f be that. After all, look at
much vigor as I II do anytlung ,_
• how well Beavis and
else.
·
• · Butthead are doing. And no
Of course, communication
one complained when
is a tricky t11ing. I tried t11is !M'.31"--along in the grand process millions of five-year olds
/-love-fall bit last year when I
toward death-awaiting-rebirth,
had to see GI Joe every day
wrote for the . . . uh . . . ilie
and I'm so ready for it I could, and to have every little
other newspaper, and by the
so to speak, die.
war toy that came along.
time it got to press, it had
Just think:
fall is 'That's it! Barney just isn't
undergone such ... uh ... such
n e c es sari l y the most ' violent enough. Poor
extensive editing even I didn't
philosophical of seasons Barney, he's just a big
know what I was trying to say.
because its stock-in-trade. is f eggplant-looking wimp.
Strike one.
mortality, the rightful starting When we bitch about how
Now t11e batter steps back,
point of all philosophy, the much we hate Barney,
thinks of all those kids in t11e
only universally-observed I that's really our little inner
orphmrnges, and steps forward
aspect of t11e human condition. I children whining,"Where's
boldly for anot11er swing, a
Etl1nocentric t11ought systems I the blood? Give us blood.
second attempt to hit you over
crumble under the ~.eight of Waaaaah!"
the head with his trusty
tl1eir own presuppos1t1ons and •
Yes, Barney should be
Louisville Slugger of joie-decultural trappings, but meaner, like his ugly
I
J,
l
1:n
A
with low, low production
values. PBS should get
wise and net an adult
audience by locking the
purple behemoth with other
big rubbery monsters in
mortal combat. Where
would his opponents come
from? Sesame Street, of
course! Big Bird, Mr.
Snuffaluffagus, and Oscar
the Grouch are naturally
pissed that Barney's
invading their turf, and
.
&FOUND :_,; ...
Tl-lAL PACK A·~ER · .
PACK,CAMEL'.S
MILDNESS AND
.FLAVOR GIVE ME
MORE PLEASURE
THAN ANY OTHER
CIGARETTE!
i
J
'f
f
f
vivre.
mortality transcends them all.
!
stepcousin, Godzilla. They
cousins after all, both
are mutant spinoffs of a
tyrannosaurus rex, both
f have annoying little
~children for sidekicks, and
lboth come from studios
r(~ It is at once our most horrific .are
TI1is week the weather-god l...IJ}
blessed us wit11 a cold front. I
am anew man.
Y£' .
Isn't it funny how, with 7..J~
our climate controls and our !>or'f'
safe-as-houses shelter from the o ~
elements, yet the weather t l..; "\
affects us deeply? I can feel
like death-warmed-over all
summer, back breaking under
t11e oppressive heat, but when
the first cool breeze hits, I'm
Lazarus. I'm ready for bear.
Here we are on the cusp of t11e
and generous attribute. In t11e
end, life forgives all tluough
deat11, bringing sure respite
from t11e ephem~ral .car~s
besetting us as we mhab1t tlus
mortal coil.
r
Besides, fall brings college ·
football, Thanksgiving and
snuggling.
It brings
Oktoberfest, pumpkins, le
beaujolais nouveau, Arts in tl1e
Park, pretty leaves, Saturday
afternoons at the river,
cookouts, oblique rays of sun
and t11e World Series. I could
THESE H_
ORRID AGE SPOTS* go on.
Every season has its
strong points, but in t11e end,
we owe it all to fall. Fall
takes tl1e resting of winter, the
exuberant awakening of spring
and t11e loathsome toiling of
summer and distills them all
into a sweet liquor of rest, ·
reflection and appreciation that
leaves, as it goes down, a
wann tickle, t11e wannth of t11e
embers of the human
~~-'--~--~~~~~---'~~~~
.1:f 1.·· .,,.. .. .·· .
?1\~iiii!i~1l1~. .: ~ ·
'!,,.;
~,r;;
I
··
WANTED
STEADY ·
.
..
.
A helmet is a nasty thing
When your teeth are green from
eating flowers
And the telephone, it talks for hours
With someone who doesn't appreciate
chocolate pudding.
--Ross Gohlke
___
,
___
91'
---
would probably love to kic;<
his purple ass. They could
I
stomp around Mr. Roger's
-.::. ~
Ask Faith and Reason:
*** Dear Faith and Reason, ~
Neighborhood, raising hell
I am trying to argue with
the advice column that
and smashing King Friday·~
gives
you
smarts
and this friend of mine, Percy, about
hearts
castle to smithereens.
the existence of God. Percy is an
atheist and I want oh so much to
compiled by charles schafer
When they get really
convince him that there is a
*** Dear Faith and Reason,
popular, they can gain
I was in Church last
higher power so that he will
international appeal by
Sunday, listening to a very
maybe ultimately convert to
doing a joint production:
Christianity and I'll feel better
mediocre sermon, when all of a
Barney vs, the Smog
sudden I felt this amazing
about myself as a result. What is
tingling in my leg and I just knew
the most compelling argument for .
Monster or maybe Barney
God's existence? I know one
vs, Rodan . Can you see it? , ' that it was the spirit of the Lord,
working in me! I jumped up and
already about how nature is so
BARNEY: Will you be my
ran down the aisle right then and
incredible like how could there
friend?
made a profession of faith on the
not be a God, I mean just look at
GHIDRAH: Grrronk!
spot. What I want to know is
the flowers and the beautiful
this: do you think that it was
waterfalls and how can you help
BARNEY: I love you .. .
really God moving in me? If so,
thinking jeez, there must be a God
you love me ... we're .. .
why did he do it during such a
and he must be in those flowers
GHIDRAH: reeeeAARRRK!
1 boring sermon? Do you think that
and waterfalls.
(hot blast of radioactive
means it was the devil?
Sincerely,
monster funk melts
Sincerely,
Neva Tay
Lorna Toon
Barney's face).
Faith: Neva, your argument
Faith: Lorna, I think you really
about why God must exist is
PBS, get with it:
. , . did have a wonderful experience of
beautiful. There are other good
unconditional love and
the Lord's spirit moving in you.
ones, too. C.S. Lewis did a super
·... sharing won't cut the
Trust that. Don't worry about the
duper job of reasoning through
mustard. Stick with
devil. He can't hurt you unless
the whole thing. I think the best
you read censored books. The
something more traditional.
argument is that we should have
Lord was just being tricky,
faith in God because then we can
Have Barney stake out his
coming upon you during a boring
be forgiven for our sins.
·i territory, stomp on a few
1
sermon. Remember, He likes to
Reason: Neva, listen. You're
" buildings and tanks, and
·
work in mysterious ways.
trying much too hard. How the
beat the living crap out of
Reason: Lorna, I have to throw
hell do you get "God" out of
any guy in a rubber suit
a little cold water on your parade
"waterfall"? If you want to see
here. The reason your legs got
who comes along. That's
God in nature, get out on the rural
tingly was because you had them
interstate between here and
what we want. Shed some
crossed for too long -- which can
Nashville. Jesus is on at least
d?y-glo purple blood and
happen when you're in church for
three billboards.
we'll watch! Of course, so
hours. You should either open
your legs more or cut out half way
will the kids, so you can
through the preaching. And about
still mechandize. Aiiiieee!!!
trying to make a profession of
It is Barney! We must
faith -- give it up. There's no ·
flee!!!
money in it. Make a profession
-by J. Oliphant
of medicine or advertising. That's
where it's at, baby.
.,
I
I
Flawed
Story
by Mike Augspurger
I
talked
t o
President Daughd r i l l
last week at AT &T.
He was nice enough.
He
answered
my
questions
congenia :t ly.
He said
that the cost of a
college
education
really wasn't going
up, that in fact i t
had stayed about the
same as the price of
a
car
for
years.
People
just
complained about i t
more,
because
its
benefits were harder
to see.
lf"itll_...
Int o.
' College
Costs
Up
More
Than
Doubl e
Rate Of Inflati o n . '
It said, "While the
rate of inc rease for
college
costs
has
slowed somewhat during the past three
years,
1993
nonetheless
marks
the
thirteenth
consecutive ye a r
th a t
those
costs
ha v e
outpaced
The
~'1~en
~
*** Dear Faith and Reason,
When Satan tempts me
to do evil, I am sorely troubled.
What can I do to resist? He is so
powerful, and I am so weak, so ...
human. I know Jesus responded
to the evil one by saying, "Get
thee behind me, Satan." Is it that
easy?
Sincerely,
Anita Will
@~
Ata•
Faith: Yes.
Reason:
You've got to
remember that Jesus was human,
too. And when he told Satan to
get behind him, He had been in
the wilderness for 40 days and his
butt probably smelled terrible. If
you have a lot of B.O., His
technique might work for you .
Otherwise, give it up.
5lu~ _B_o~---:--------,
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l>w·' T (£e\l..&."f HNI' A~'t
11>E~
c..>M"f"
"Ofl~
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£I.IT'ii ~. I bot.IT £«H
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II
by
~,
.
�A Didactic Letter
i n Re s ponse to Amy
Chr is Fisher's #I
CAN'T stand cheap
people" election
flyer.
(Yeah, it IS a long
title. Shut up and
read : ) ... )
Dear, dear Chris,
Let me start by
reminding you that
the Honor Council
is no joke. I f
you're going to
make references to
it through #deep"
thoughts, babe,
you've got a
problem. Note the
uqqotes" around
#deep?"
a handle on your
bearings. If you're
going to take off
in this direction,
there is no telling
what other pithy
maxim you're going
to snatch from
another murky abyss
of even #deeper"
thoughts.
en
~
9 ,~
~
::--::
~
~
8
o
J..-4
lS
l
I
·
.
@·. ·.'. ·, ., .
•
~
~ c=
~
~
1
•
Try
:
. ·l
with
·VACUTEX ' ..,.
·· ··
,....
:
three
fl n aer1 .
It · re a ches
:~~:k~.~~dlr ~~~w::11~·ht!.'i; ,~\.~~
·
,
I
.: ;;:-"f,:r.~i~~~,:•
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0
...
,
,
•
1
.
"-.)'
.
. ,extrftcts Bla ckheads automatica lly
The a maz ing ly effective Vacu:tex'
'
0
:::> ::::l
p-
.
Bl~_ckhea~ Remov~r ..
s1oo .
':;::l
.
r.
··, •· · · > "-~
-or no _
cost.
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0
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VACUTEX and your , dollar, wlll
· be refundorl. : .
chris brown •
holy romin' em~ror
chuck schafer • bosom of abraham
clay combs• "the indulgence vendor"
dipak ghosh • altar boy
Jeffgadomslzl • deep friar
john oliphant • monk d
julie meiman • monk e
mike augspurger.judas priest
pat garrett •altered priest
~o~~ go~l'M· leud 3 cleric
~-·
Are you
in the
knoltv?
Scriptural . Cake
1 ·Cllp or Judgn s:as
3i cup1 of Exodu1 ag:a
a
cupa of Nahum 3: la
1 Cllp o! Geneel 1 a• :17
1 tip of Exodu1 16:31
3 Cllpl Of Jerea:lab 6:30
a cups Of I Samuel 30: la
lcupofNua:ber117:8
6 cup• o! haiab 10: 14
l pincll Of Levi t1 CUI 3: 13
3 tip of Air.01 a:u
Seuon to talte •1th I King1 lO:a. Follow
$olOlllOn 1 1 prelCriptiOn for a good boy .in
Proberb1 33:14 and l:ake .
·BALLCO- - - - - -CO., Dept .-9- ·
- - - PRODUCTS - - - I
g :~.~~ ~~g_g~~ ! 1 ·, ·::;~:S~~~~':i.
' \lf&oh 1cr1ptuu Teru contain• one or 111or1
:
11
,. _________________________ _,
You've implied,
unwittingly I hope,
that requesting
money you have
loaned is cheap!?
Let me see if I'm
missing something:
Good soul loans
needy friend
moolah,good soul
gets needy . and
needs moolah back,
good soul asks for
moolah, good soul
asks, hence he is
cheap? Honey, by
your definition of
#cheap" (in cahoots
with Dr.Handey),not
being #cheap" is
bloody e x pensive.
That's quite a deep
#cheap" thought,eh?
brlzm dlxon • halrytlck
('t'bil recipe 11 ~~er 300 yeare old. Follow tb•
41reot1on1 carefully for a dellolou1 cake).
Ugly BLACKHEADS
OUT IN .SECONDS
;::, .F; ~L~
~ ~
t--< ~
'
......~~ ·
~ ----:,-~.•.
~~
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published . . There is
nei.ther regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor s<>uls listed here.
Look, ( I hope) I ' m
sure you saw some
humor in your
researched quote,
but how much
#deeper" will you
get, especially if
elected to THE
council. Please get
19W. 441hst. , N.Y. 36,N , v .
P•u• 4 3 c poi iit re :
1 ngred1 en ta u1ed 1 n mat 1-ng a cake.
-
If your campaign
has been an
experiment in
negative
advertising,babe, I
commend you for
your courage 'cause
you've certainly
trod the limits of
anti-matter (hence
my #reaction").
Believe it or not,
I wish you luck for
the elections. I've
run for the Honor
Council too , but
never won . Thinking
of which, if you
win, I ' ve got to
get me a copy of
#deeper thoughts"
by that Handey guy.
Sincerely,
Diphthong .
ps.If my criticism
has been a
traumatic
experience, please
feel free to call
x3385 and leave a
nasty rebuttal on
the machine. It
should be a
cathartic of sorts.
Hell, I might
answer the phone
myself and generate
a few (crocodile)
tears .
pps. Welcome to
RHODES :) ~
- 0 r I''- ~
.,,
•.
TERO IN A PUNCH
by:chris brown
&L. os~
{
tfi:l
m
Dark red, like the lips of your favorite
female pom-star,was the color of
the punch in this bowl. Perfectly round
ice-cubes floated all in the red juice;
then I saw this big black terd among
all the perfectly round ice-cubes.
I asked the guy next to me
"Are you drinking this shit ?"
He only smiled as he dipped his cup
into bowl and drank his second cup.
He obviously liked it.
, "Don't question."
~
"Don't ask."
'
"Just drink it."
was his reply.
.
A
�
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The Rat's Ass, September 24, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 05
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 24, 1993. Brian Dixon leads off the issue with a top ten list. Pat Garrett compares religion and geology, Clay Combs describes his love for fall, and John Oliphant reviews Barney. Ross Gohlke writes the zine's first poem alongside Mike Augspurger's and Charles Schafer's centerfold pieces. The back page features a response to Amy Chris Fisher's election flyer by Dipak Ghosh and a short piece by Chris Brown.
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Pat Garrett, Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Ross Gohlke, Dipak Ghosh, John Oliphant, Charles Schafer, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Julie Meiman
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PDF Text
Text
September 17, 1993 Volume II Issue 4
Condoms and Christianity
by:chris brown
l .DOES MY PROFESSOR LIKE
ME?
a.never picks me
b.
c.
d. asks me questions I can ' t answer
2. HOW DOES MY PROFESSOR
PRESENT HIM/HERSELF IN
THE CLASSROOM?
a. dresses cool
b.
c.
d. needs to consult fashion
magazine.
3. WHAT DOES MY
PROFESSOR EXPECT OF ME?
a. to answer "yes'' or " no " questions
b.
c.
d. to think for myself
I
�lUU
lllli<...11
dJ.H)lll
And IC WOU/Oll l l.Jt:
it-that's not the problem. efficient to keep you until
But your teaching, Bob.
the things that pissed me
the traditional six year
in any public discussion as
It's the monotone. Maybe if
off about Rhodes and made
review of your tenure
to the specific terms of
you put an outline on the
me want to leave. I felt a
track because there's no
terminatr·on.
Now • an
board at the beginning of
little sick. I remembered
way your SIRs would
irresponsible · campus
every class and used audio
Why I never went to AT&T
improve enough to save
activist with a proverbial
and
visual
aids
on
(Ask, Talk, & Tell) with
your job at that point. To
axe to grind would have a
occasion... It doesn't matter
President
Daughdrill.
keep you that extra year
field day with this. But I
that you're "brilliant" by
Either
my
questions
would just be silly. We're
am merely a humble student
the admission of at least
really doing it tor your own
sounded stupid to a college
who wants to set the
two colleagues who have
gocd.
president, or l knew that
record straight while
worked with you (fact), or
the things eating at me
Does this sound a
exercising his right to tell
that you incorporate all the
little funny to anyone? It
were bigger than a pleasant
Them that I think Byer-or
academic disciplines into
discussion over lunch could
should come across as
any professor, for that
your own (the heart and
absolutely hysterical when
settle. Besides, I reasoned,
matter- deserves better
soul of a liberal arts
I already knew what the
you
consider
the
treatment . in the name
education), or that you are
bureaucratic
stock
administration's double
of.... bear with me ... Truth,
one of the few professors
response would be to
standard:
students
Loyalty, and Service.
_--::z)/1ere with experience
supposedly have a lot to
everything I questioned, so
\.. ·~: "leaching film courses
what's the use?
say (a la SIRs) in whether
...-c:E-----(priority #1358 on the
or not a professor is fired.
To be honest, I have
list).
See, the
little hope that anything
Yet students have no
will change because of my
opportunity to protest or
questioning, but I have to
reverse the decision, nor
get it all out. I still have a / 0
are they consulted in the
hiring of new professors.
conscience.
I even followed the ~"'
On top of this, most
students have no idea how
proper
channels
of ·
important the SIR bubble
authority for trying to find
out what really happened to r
forms (the ones fed through
a computer for statistical
Byer. I already knew his
side of the story. First I
~
results) are, and chances
went to the department
~
are, no one will tell them.
chair, who referred me to
f
If you are a student,
~ /J
his superior. So I took my
f / (___
listen up. Your opinion
inquiring mind to the Dean
P
-<5:,
~
does matter. They can't
$/
.:>,..
c::::::::.:'
justify firing someone
of Academic Affairs who
' ~
..-.........)
told me there was no way
ff~ ff
~
~
f
~
without bad SIRs, at least
·in hell that l, or any student
if i
.$'
students just can't follow on paper.
If you are a
could, do anything about the
! ..& ~/ .P
you. They fall asleep. You professor,
tell
your
situation. Apparently he
i .t /
talk about things they don't students about SIRs, if not
had misunderstood my
f
~
understand, and they don't for your sake, then for that
intentions and proceeded to
~
.L ,
~
like that.
They feel of your colleagues.
politely tell me he couldn't
threatened.
They feel
What it boils down
tell me anything. l left his
(' 12.. \ ~ \)-..u{'._5·
helpl~ss. And you know, to is this. I feel like I've
offi ce knowing beyond a
Q.-\- \,)6\f.) v - \
Bob, 1f the students don't been lied to; I wonder who
shadow of a doubt that
like something we have to the administration is loyal
Basically, They told
faculty information is
him that his SIRs weren't
take notice,
because to; I'd like to know who
confidential because of the
up to par, that he didn't
they're the reason we're They are serving. They tell
law, and no one is allowed
meet Rhodes' almighty
here!
We know you 'JI me its me, the student. But
to talk to me about it, and
Standard of Excellence.
understand.
With your I seriously question service
that this is standard
skiJJs you would be happier rendered by a liberal arts
The students just didn't like
procedure
for
"any him.
somewhere else anyway. institution that reduces its
corporation or business."
Of the three areas
Look at the bright side. We professors to numbers in a
Well, I don't need
we
consider
in job
could have let you go after computer, that gives its
Them.
I'm a fairly evaluation, Bob, . your
the three-year review of students the illusion of
intelligent guy. And Byer service
record
is
your tenure track, but we power without even making
has been cooperative. The sufficient
and
your
gave you the benefit of the it explicit, that values
cool part is, regardless of published
doubt and kept you another expediency and tidiness
what Byer says, or what I scholarship-we//, you
year. It's just that those above the pursuit of true
say, They can't respond could have more of it,
darn S/Rs didn't improve as intellectual endeavor.
because, according to the
much as we would have
And there's one
although what little you
liked. We have standards
.
I' m
Dean, They would be
have is good, so we won't
more thing.
not
breaking the law to engage
here, Bob.
finished.
Why Byer Got Fired and why
by Ross Gohlke
Immutability
by Mike Augspurger
One of the quirks of
a favorite high school
teacher of mine was to
assign
an
essay
by
saying, in effect, •write
an essay on the book we
just
finished
discussing." Annoying as
the habit was, we usually
found our way around the
problem.
Cries of "how
long?" and •on what?"
inevitably overwh el med
the man.
Ten minutes
later, we'd have six or
seven suggestions written
down in our notes, and an
estimated
length
in
double-spa ced , one-sided
pages .
That was high school.
The Rhodes classroom
of ten
l ooks
disappointingly si milar.
The difficult question,
"What
is
of
primary
importance in the text
studied?" remains
the
domain of the professor .
The students at Rhodes
don't expect to answer
that question anymore
than
a
high
school
student;
no
quest ion
routinely receives more
silence than "What aspect
of the readings would you
like to discuss today?"
This
situation
is
perhaps
not
as
unf ortunate as I have
portrayed it .
Ce rtainly
much class time would be
spent in a search for
basic
thematic
importance; many students
would lose inter est , and
end
up
unimproved
intellectually by the
experience.
The
prof esso r would be l eft
in fr o nt o f the class
alternating
between
prying for a response and
lecturing
on
various
outside interpretati ons;
his effo rts might brand
him
as
•confusing,•
•difficult to follow,• or
the
worst
0 f
possibilities, "boring.•
On the other hand, a
professor
who
made
students
reach
for
answers
rather
than
leaning over to provide
them might appeal to a
small
community
of
students at Rhodes.
He
might help five or s ix
people in a class of
twenty-five learn more
about a novel, and more
importantly, understand
the process that brought
them th e ir knowledge. Of
course, nineteen people
would be bored.
Am~ng the relative ly
small
percentage
of
Rhodes stu dents who have
come to college to get an
education and not just a
degree, there are many
different approaches to
learning. The particular
pedagogy described above
would seem to cater to a
great many of those .
Unfortunately, it does
not pamper a student who
is not devoted to the
subject matter.
Judging
fr o m past
faculty decisions, Rhodes
i s not
interested in
different approaches to
the
c lassro o m.
If
students find a professor
unsympathetic, or boring,
or difficult (i.e. i f
they don't teach like
their
favorite
high
school teacher), they let
the administration know
in a very concrete and
majority-ruled fashion:
the
SIRS.
If
the
administration finds t hat
faculty
member
undesirable, it utilizes
that concrete figure to
rid
itself
of
an
unconforming piece.
It
is a system which easily
purges itself o f
Bob
Byers and Andrew Hurleys,
among many others .
I remember sitting
on the pot my freshman
year looking for something
to read. As I shut the stall
door I was confronted by an
.~ .
.
German sty le ."
especially drab flyer that
f'~A ' hero in the
said "Subvert the SIRs!!'.'
Perhaps if Rhodes had
and rambled on about how
enough
professors
to
these evaluation forms are
allow English majors to
used to justify firing
choose among classes, or
professors. As I finished
if
SIRS
had
been
my business, I wondered
discontinued, or if some
how the responsible party
of the English professors
expected to be taken
who should know better
seriously
without
had stood up in defense
substantiation. How easy it
of Byer, he wouldn't have
is to start vicious rumors
been fired.
But the most
frustrating aspect of the
and indict the powers that
sys tem
is
that
mo st
be- but there's never any
proof!
I still had those
peachy brochure pictures in
my head; and I still had
great confidence that the
people in charge knew what
they were doing and always
acted justly according to
the dictates of a good
conscience. I spent the
next year and a half
forgetting how pretty the
brochures were.
But I
never lost faith in the
administration's
commitment to Truth,
loyalty, and Service and at
the end of each semester, I
filled out my SIRs like
everyone else in the classin five minutes. They were
just
more
of
the
Lorry Burrows m
. I
b t
Ivv CoMPTON-BuRNETT
eanrng ess u necessary
Incredible behavi r.
paperwork that had to be
everyone is happy with
turned in to keep my
scholarship.
it.
No students, no
and
no
faculty,
I came back to
administrators have to
Rhodes this semester
adjust
to
new
actually excited for the
surroundings.
Rhodes is
first time about being here.
just
like last year,
It didn't last very long.
whe ther you've worked
During the first week I
here for 15 years or come
discovered that an English
straight
from
high
teacher whom I respected
school.
It
will
greatly had been fired over
undo ubtedly continue to
the summer. Well, "fired"
churn
out
societally
capable graduates who
might be a little harshhave not been pushed to
they did give him a year's
brilliance.
But if an
notice so that he could
intellectual challenge is
"make
other
what you desire, consider
arrangements." As I sat in
transferring .
Bob Byer's office that day
Because while Rhodes
with my jaw on the floor, I
will always be up-andsuddenly remembered all
coming,
it will never
arrive.
it
makes
me
wu11y
uncomfortable
fol
f"'c
/ff
!
"'
iv\) - 1 ffi\/\
ttrt\S\ ~ \\.- '(-~\\A,,.
S r\=>S
�Report from the Front
by Col. Bat Guano
I was fired yesterday. Sacked.
Given my walking papers .
Basically, I was told to bend
over and smile . And it
wouldn't, you know, be so bad
if it didn't mean that I now
have to figure out how to
unload three exact replicas of
the Partridge Family bus loaded
with assault rifles from the
Honduran black market. Boy, I
got smoked on that one.
But enough about me, right?
I don't get paid obscene
amounts of dollars per word by
the Rat's Ass to blab about my
personal problems, obviously.
No, friend, I get paid obscene
amounts of dollars per word to
blab about the personal
problems of a hardy and goodhearted prairie College down
here in Memphis and the
blasphemous exploits of that
black- hearted sidewinder, that
yellow- bellied, low down,
dog- tooth grinnin', prayersfor- men- aprayin', carpetmstlin' scalawag known as the
Reverend Jim Daughdrill.
Fortunate! y, that stuff is none
too scarce.
For example, just last night,
right, when I was feeling kind
of bummed about the job
thing, you know, and I had
gotten tired of sitting around
the pad and, well ... you know,
smokin' ... and I went down to
the P&H for a little R&R and
MGD, I nm into this PHD I
knew from the old alma mater.
He was slumped over the bar
actually. That unmistakable
bulbous dome which nonnally
read, "product of Harvard" now
said something garbled about
three pitchers and no sign of
slowing down. Now here was a
guy in my kind of mood .
Brazenly as always, I decided to
introduce myself.
"Hello, Doc. Bat Guano's
the name. And you are ... "
"HAWTHORNE!"
he
sputtered.
With a name like Guano,
who an1 I to argue, right? Any
dude's pseudonym is good
enough for me. So I bought
him a beer which he graciously
accepted, and just to relax him
I whipped out one of my
special stogies and there we
were smokin' up a stonn, until
I got him relaxed enough to
ask him just what he was
bummin' on, and thi s is what
he told me:
"I was fired yesterday.
Sacked. Given my walking
papers. Basically, I was told to
bend over and smile. I don't
want to talk about it."
As soon as he said that, my
patented Guano Sense started
kickin' like the Rockettes on
mescaline:
obviously
something was once again
awry . at Rhodes,
and
immediately I forgot about the
day's troubles and remembered
my mission for the Rat's Ass .
And speaking of asses, if I
couldn't save tl1is guy's then
maybe at least I could cover
my own, right? So I fished
around in my pocket for
something to cheer the good
doctor up. All I could find was
a ball of hash about the size of
my thumb which seemed to
most tasteless part of the
President's Mansion: The
Jungle Room.
"What the hell are you
doing here, Guano?" he asked,
looking resplendent in a yellow
silk bathrobe and a blue paisley
fez. Actually, he was kind of
hard to see, backed as he was
by lime green zebra stripes and
blacklight posters.
"I think you know what I'm
here about," I said, trying to be
as macho as possible. "It's
your latest try at streamining
the faculty."
He thought for a minute,
and then I could see recognition
rising to the surface of his eyes
like air bubbles floating in 40weight motor oil. "Ah, yes,"
he drawled," that Bob fellow.
What about it?'
'What about it?" I was now
enraged, and feeling in fine
ga~0
To be honest, whenever I hear
him talk I'm almost positive
he's making fun of me, but I
can' t be sure because, well ... I
just can' t understand a damn
word he's saying. Besides,
what the hell do you tlunk the
Purpose of a College is?"
Uh- oh, I thought. Here it
comes.
"Do you tlunk a college is
some kind of damn safehaven
for intellectuals?"
'Well, actually ... "
"Hell no, son. Now read my
lips on this one : WE'RE
ONLY IN IT FOR THE
MONEY. Can't you get that
tluough that burned- out head
of yours?"
I was reeling. First to hear
the words of Frank Zappa
coining from such an infernal
source, and then to have my
worst suspicions laid bare like
that at the uppennost level of
the administration, was all
much too much for me. I
needed a drink.
I didn't get one, of course.
As is always the case when I
feather. "I'll tell .you what .
about it! He was only just the
pay a journalistic visit to the
Daughdrill household, I was
most qualified member of your
undernourished English
brusquely conked on tl1e back
department! Jesus Christ on a
of the head by one of Dian1ond
popsicle stick, Jim! The man
Jimmy's hired goons and
went to botli Harvard and y ale!
deposited on East Parkway. But
There was more infonnation in
when I came to about four
hours later, I still remembered
one of his sentences than in
three paragraphs by some of
tl1e last tiling I had seen in that
house of ill- repute: t he
the bozos you've hired at that
sweatshop you call a college.
President had had a new
How can you just throw away
College Seal drawn up. It was
credentials like tliat?" Realizing
the same as the old one of
that my tirade was out of
course, but the words 'Truth
steam,Ileanedbackandbraced
Justice and the America1;
myself for the noxious wave of
Way," or whatever the hell it
bureaucratic doublespeak that I
used to be, had been repl :! ·: ~d
knew was soon to envelop me,
with the slogan, "CAVEAT
just like on the Stanley and
EMPTOR" wluch, for all you
Jaslow case back in '90. But it
non- classically oriented readers
never came.
out tl1ere, means "Let tl1e Byer
"Oh, dammit," said the
beware." Until next time, or
President, "that's just the
until you too are deemed to
talented for your own good
problem, don't you see? That
man is too damn smart. He
keep ?n takin' care of business'.
made students uncomfortable,
. . Just like Diamond Jim.
con~se ~imb m~re t.han
anyt ng e se, ut gave II to
him anyhow and headed out to
my trusty ol.d '78 Batmobile
with one man in mind. Clearly
I was going to have to go
straight to the horse's mouth,
so lo speak: I gunned noisy old
440 and pointed the nose
toward Diamond Jim's place.
When I got there it was the
same old scene as always: the
stink of vomit rising up off the
front lawn almost ate the paint
off my car. Frankly, I'm still
amazed tlmt all those trustees
could sleep out there like that.
But hey, like D.J. always says,
that's what tl1e good stuffs for,
right? So I parked up on the
lawn like usual and stepped out
of the car like everything was
natural, which of course it was,
and was met at the door by this
beefy blonde whom it seemed
to me I had grokked before.
"Patsy Blandersnatch ?" I
asked? "Oass of '89?"
1
The same. She told me that
,,
she was now the carpet man's
hell made me uncomfor. abl· ·. ,:~ _,.
t e
Otl>AeL.£ C r~ut\~rhlc..-~
personal, um.. . secretary .
. .~~~
lfll>cfiATbRoF 'F
'
Figures. She always did look
~ "Oll,.L
¢ f ,,.,,.,
S&."~
w~ A ~:~~ '·
good with brown lipstick. But
,.r-1~
•'f\fl~ WEEK. No ~Tf!ti' IN
i
now was no time for ,,
CTtf£~ wo,("c ~•
-;
~
.
Z
~ · J..4£AL Wlf't\ rr: t ·
reminiscing. I bmshed past her
with my infamous right cross
and found the man I was
:
looking for, predictably, in the
. ~·
~4/Lyl~
l
~:~c01~~~~ab1!~ :Ud h~~l~:::: l~:I'~'·'~,;~~;~~~~~~'·'· ~ 'j~,~
.
"· ~ ·
/
•ov'
�
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Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 17, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 04
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publication, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 17, 1993. The Headline reads, "Special Bidet issue!" The front page offers a special "Clip-N-Save SIR Form" by Julie Meiman & Ross Gohlke, as well as a commentary on campus ethics by Chris Brown. Mike Augspurger and Ross Gohlke discuss the SIR forms and tenure in the centerfold. "Col. Bat Guano" takes the back page with a "Report rom the Front". This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
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Chris Brown, Julie Meiman, Ross Gohlke, Mike Augspurger
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/29bc163ed00db249c6b8abac0320e4d5.pdf
7099606be4de4ffc7b8b2f87d5cb9f48
PDF Text
Text
Volume II Issue 3 September IO, 1993
'lt
-~ .
a;;__-:--~
/
"The only paper on campus with Tin its masthead Except one other. "
0
\~ Special ~~~:~,~~ 1 ~etal Issue!
The Earth Is ' Flat
The Holocaust Didn't Happen
e Greek System Is Nifty
Th
by Charles Schafer
You
know,
I'd
always heard that the
Greeks were supposed to
be logical.
Yet in Chris
Gilreath's
Sou'wester
article entitled "What is
Rush, Anyway?" I see
traces of logic's evil twin,
illogic.
I wonder what
city-state Mr. Gilreath is
from - perhaps Crete.
I'd i;h_
to point out here that
while,
certainly,
all
Greeks are not Cretans, all
Cretans are Greeks. I have
~z;~:~vki -~)
e ,.
But I really sliould
stop going off like this.
It's just that I'm a little
worked up.
That is, I'm
really excited.
Let me
explain why.
According
to Mr. G, "you do not haye
to be someone's fraternity
brother to be his friend "
Imagine -- I had been
going to Rhodes for over
three
years
miserably
convinced that because
(
today, thank ends, and th
:ound out th s to Mr. G
ave friend a,t I really
thou h
s.
G
~
t
g ·
I h
et this
oo hap
s ouJdn 't
'
says I PY, because A1 get
Wh
shouJdn 't
,v1r. G
e;
c:"
(,>~)
~
~,~,
t
•,
I
/)
~·
to
M
'
r. G's
well-reasoned and wellsupported argument, I am
feeling
crushed
and
inferior. No, don't worry,
I'll get over it.
I'm
embarking on a personal
program to make myself
(Non-Greek though I am)
more active and visible
around campus. In fact, I
would like to make my
shining white ass visible
to
all
"Greek
Issues
Editors"
and
"Interfraternity
Council
Presidents"
at
Rhodes .
Nothing personal, Mr. G .
Rat's Ass in Vice President
Gore's Performance Report
by Brian Dixon
10. Use regular Scotch tape
instead of the nifty, but costly,
magic tape.
9. Stop sending probes to
Mars. Oops! Wrong
performance report.
8. Print issues on used SIR
forms. What else are they
good for?
7. Serve Beenie-Weenie at
staff meetings instead of pork
tenderloin and escargot.
6. Pay staff salaries with old
Burger King coupons.
5.
en you run~
coupons eliminate the staff "
entirely by investing in stateof-the-art technology.
4. Use Diamond Jim's
personal copy machine.
3. Stop poking fun at our
administration. Oh wait! You
mean the Rhodes
administration.
2. Eliminate printing fees by
passing out copies of last
week's Sou'wester instead. It's
a much better read.
1. Stop sending the damned
paper to the Oval Office.
�)
~ "CL-qt-:.S ft s_s ~ ~·"
C v-vcc
·b\'-F+.-_ .,
Under Cover
TO BE OR NOT TO BE A
Agents
CHRISTIAN COLLEGE
le S
c
By Pleetway
by:chris brown
holds ?
Also, if Rhodes V\
\o t-\--\e,rIn his address to
does
not
require
the incoming freshmen and
~
\.~
"intellectual adherence to
t ransfer
students,
creedal religion• or some
President Daughdrill qouted
form of affirmation to
a Bible verse to my
certain Christian truths,
amazement and I am sure to
how does the College know
the surprise of my fellow
that they have hired a
students. He proclaimed to
Christian? Doesn't one
the over-crowded sanknow whether a person
ctuary of Evergreen Pres.
belongs to a particular
Church that "the fear of the
religion by what that
LORD is the beginning of
individual adheres to and
knowledge.• As all good
embraces as truth?
incoming students do, I read
As for the other
through
the
college's
statements that the College
catalogue and some other
claims are true, I will let
paraphernalia that I had
you decide for yourself if
received from the college.
the College is being honest
As I combed through the
or if it is lying. If the
93-94
catalogue
and
College is lying, then put 1
Rhoda's College Statement
of
down the Rat's Ass, get off \'
of Christian Commitment
and
YJ2JlL Ass and report the ~
and Church Relationship, trustees are Christians.• In
Administration to the Honor 11 n
..
my eye was caught by ( another statement Rhodes
Council.
·\ ,....._ CA. t )
makes the disclaimer that
statements like these;
\ "the College does not
·"The College maintains a require
intellectual
climate
in which the\ adherence
to
creedal
Christian
faith
is religion and that Rhodes
nurtured",
\ does not exclude persons
- "The College ensures that from
its
faculty,
adthe Christian faith is ministration, or governing
clearly articulated",
bodies who may hold other
-"(Rhodes) creates a views.•
Now,
it
is
1
climate
in which the ' impossible to hire "a J.A.r.wt
Christi an
faith
is majority of Christians" and
reasonably
and
per-, n..2.1. exclude others who
suasively presented.•
hold different views. The
-"(The College) is dedicated College, by its own mandate
to a special witness to the is under an obligation to
Christian faith"
hire "a large majority of
.·"(Rhodes) sees to it that a Christians", thus forcing
large majority of trustees, the College to discriminate ,
administrators, and faculty' on the basis of personal .....___ _ _ _ _._____.___~__,._____
are Christians"
beliefs. Another statement
S1.-uc::;a IS ti. Loot<, 1s
·"The College is committed . that Rhodes makes that
l 'M A S1..oa..
/
'"IHERE 50>1E:O""E"
to higher education set in a contradicts itself from the
No..J, Now ••. SELf- E~£ I coot..D r-'LK
Christian
frame
of \ above quote is "The
"Tl) ?
E~T£EM /~ El/ER'treference.•
College's Christian com1)f I o\IG., UJ .\ .51 DE From statements like these · mitment
and
church
l'M ONLY )\- "T'EMI>,
f(ICt<. So, Tl\KE A
and other well polished relationship is more than
You f<tJoW. /'11 "or
CC 6 Qb t.otJa._ Looti:; AT
sentences
affirming assent to a set of vague
GE111flla.. PAt.p foR
"(OO(~El.f i '"f'ELL.
T"tfl!) STRESS"Christian ideals", one 1 values
or
sentimental
Me How '{olJ
tJOULJ:> I>esc 1::'1.BE
comes to the conclusion emotions.• If Rhodes is so
WI\~ yoo :SEE.
that Rhodes is an oasis of committed to more than
Christian learning among just "vague values and
"the colleges of today that sentimental emotions", then
11 I I/(
have a secular outlook. why won't Rhodes at least
One particular point that is have their "large majority
worth exploring is the of Christians" believe the
claim
that
"a
large! same view that the College
(l~\V'..'
d,o '
• \/\ \)
+v
c
\V\I\
IN TJIE p
&
,
t
t
of.
I
I
·1
\
'
•
odes Security Council
Unveils New Goal:
No Faculty
Rhodes administration
wigs are abuzz over the
Security Council's new plan
for the college. Taking to
heart President Daughdrill's
April 22 address (see The
Rat's Ass, Volume 2, Number
1), the Council have stepped
forward
with
a bold
recommendation: get rid of all
faculty
by 2010.
The
recommendation follows the
· president's emphasis on more
efficient use of school funds
and the latest technology.
"You
can see the
president's subtext as clear as
day," said one anonymous-byrequest administration lackey.
"It's time to ring out the oldfashioned, inefficient live~ teacher classroom and ring in
the cost-effective electronic
classroom."
The Security Council's
plan calls for the complete outphasing of the human element
in
Rhodes
classroom
instruction by 2010. Amidst
the international race to
develop fiber optic technology,
the Council see higher
education heading faster and
deeper into the farthest recesses
of the microchip.
"Two words: fiber optics,"
said Security Council Tsar
Seamus Hailey in his address
to the faculty and staff. "We
must see here and now the
benefits
of
computer
networking and anticipa~e the
radical changes that lie ahead in
the field of education.
"The students of tomorrow
will have access to the sharpest
minds at work in any given
field. The experts will be able
to deliver lectures to thousands
of students at once, and they
available for
"will
be
consultation at any time, from
any remote comer of our nowminiscule globe. Classroom
teachers, obviously, are fast
becoming obsolete."
As is to be expected, the
new plan has drawn some
criticism from current faculty.
"We're a little uneasy about
this," said one anonymous-byrequest professor. "I mean, in
fifteen years we'll all be
pushing grocery carts around in
the streets . We'll be hitting
you up for money and then
psychoanalyzing you on the
basis of whether you do or do
not cough it up. Nobody
wants that."
"What's more," said
another professor, "nobody has
really speculated as to the effect
on the students. What will
result from a complete loss of
perso nal contact between
students and faculty? The
Socratic dialogue will be
reduced to spiritless molecules
of phosphorus."
But the Security Council
will brook no nay-saying on
that issue. "We don't believe
molecules of phosphorus to be
completely without spirit,"
said Hailey. "On the contrary,
we think they have lots of
spirit. Lots!"
Whatever the feeling
around campus, it appears the
plan has already become the
New Campus Order. Several
untenured faculty have been
sacked, and more are on the
blocks.
In an auxiliary decision,
the Council amended the
president's plan of adding ten
w students per year to fifty
ne
· ·
the
new students, bnnging
roiected totals for the year
P J
.
2010 to approx1ma t ely 2200
students, 0 faculty. As ther~
been no mention o
h as
h es
dditional computer pure as ,
a
. ed
ber of work
.
the project num
.
. expected to hold
stations is
steady at 200 or Jess.
-30480 words
�\"'
To Tow and not to Toe
by Ruthie Stephenson
If you're ever in
England and you want to go
for a nice stroll like the
English, you've got two
splendid choices of the
footpath and the towpath.
In the countryside,
you can choose the
footpath, a narrow path
marked by walkers.
It
goes through fields and
pastures with property
boundaries
marked by
locked gates or fences.
However,
since
the
footpaths are to be
accessible,
property
owners build steps so
walkers can easily step
over any fence or gate.
A different option
is taking a stroll along the
canal on what the English
call a towpath. On first
hearing
the
word
"towpath," however. . I
made the connection with
"toe"
instead of "tow."
It was a physical
learning experience and
adventure that taught me
the difference between the
two paths.
For an
afternoon out, I was told
that I could ride a bike
from Bradford-on-Avon,
the village where I lived,
to Bath on the toepath
along the canal.
So, I
started
off
on
my
borrowed, heavy, rusted,
2 out of 3 speed bicycle
with a basket in front. I
call it the adventure bike.
En
route
to
Bath
(pronounced Baaaaaath
-
-
like a sheep baa), the path ·
split
in
various
directions, and my word' .
tor
toepath
became~:
interchanged
with .,;:,
footpath. You know, toe, fl~:
'~
foot- same thing. Unaware it
that I was straying, I ended
up following the footpath a I
few times.
On my l
adventure bike I pedaled
through fields where I had
to lug the leaden thing over
locked gates and fences. I
even ended up in a pasture
being stared at by a herd of
My
cud chewing cows.
typical
adventure .
1
Well, after leaping
fences and encountering
cows, I learned the
difference between the
footpath and the toepath- '
and that towpath does not
even exist as ihe word
toepath. I advise you on
your next trip to Englandjust be careful how you
listen to and interpret
those
tricky
English
w
o
r
d
s
~
os~!g
SARDINES .
The Elite of the Sea .
!
Dear Mr. Daughdrill,
I don't have much
to say about Bob Byer
leaving. I am not an
English major. I have
' only taken one class from
him. I liked the class. I
learned a lot. And I'm
sorry to see him go.
You justify using
low SIRS scores (SIRS are
another issue, maybe I'll
write you another letter if
you respond to this one) to
kick Byer out, and two
years ago you kicked
Professor Jaslow out who
had amazing SIRS scores
but did not measure up in
other ways. Senselessness.
You justify •either. You
are not in touch with your
students (the younger
adults that are walking
around outside your
window), and if you
listened to the faculty's
voice, they'd tell you that
you are not in touch with
them either. Cluelessness.
You have said that
your function is to raise
money for the college.
You do this well. Tuition
is equal to ivy league
schools. Big spenders are
giving lots of dough t
Rhodes. Daughdrill Tower
is a beautiful erection.
Thank you. But you do
not know a good professo1
from a bad one. Byer is 2
gem of the rarest kind, and
you have just robbe(
Rhodes college. Not <
good mark on a brigh•
businessman's resume.
You will bt
remembered at Rhodes
You've put it on the map
Now get out before you'n
remembered for mucl
more.
Sincerely, Pat Garrett
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, September 10, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 03
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, ZInes, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 10, 1993. The headline reads "Special Speed Metal Issue!" Charles Schafer gives a critique of a Sou'Wester article by Chris Gilreath, and Brian Dixon writes a list of suggestion for The Rat's Ass through the voice of Vice President Gore. Clay Combs and Chris Brown comment on college life in the centerfold. Ruthie Stephenson and Pat Garrett round out the back page. This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Charles Schafer, Brain Dixion, Chris Brown, Clay Combs, Pat Garrett, Ruthie Stephenson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/3aa0d42bb5647b3d9dbed0d9c4fc27fa.pdf
3baf48faedee99f106fac974b240e8ab
PDF Text
Text
.- ~ Friday 3 September 1993
Volume 2 Number 2
~~
I
Am
Not
your .- friends for
will
your college career, and
they're all in one Greek
organization,
and you
can't wait to learn the
secret handshake, I can't
ask you to do anything
but pledge .
But if y ou
can, t mak e up your mind
between t he Kappa Sigs
and ATO, or if you want
to pledge be c au s e
ir
wo uld ma k e Dael pr o ud 0 1
y o ur
fri e nd s b r.tc l<. h o 1n 0·
jealous, o r if you ju s t
haven't met anyone in
-oe weeks and need t o
Greek
Bashing!
We ll, maybe a li tt le
by Mike Augspurger
My Dad went to a
small liberal arts school
called Wabash, a shining
spot of learning in rural
Indiana . "The Har vard of
the We st, • the hundred
and fifty year - old sch ool
Dad loved
calls itself.
Still goes back
Wabash .
every year .
And when h e
returns,
the place he
goes back to is the FIJI
hou se.
When I arrived on
-Rhodes campus my first
year, I knew I was go i ng
to be in a frate rnity.
That was what college was
all about, as far as I
knew.
Living together
with
the
same
guys,
hanging out and shooting
h oops and th rowing the
frisbee, or having a beer
on a Saturday afternoon.
A
guy
co uld
mak e
. friendships that wo uld
last forever.
Three weeks into
school, I dropped out of
The quest i on of
rush.
which fraternity I wanted
to
join
had
become
outdated; I didn't want a
part o f any of them .
Somewhere in those three
weeks I recognized that
for me the whole system
didn't
make
sense.·
Talk i ng with
friends,
from people who hadn't
to
new
even
rushed
familiar
pledges,
a
sentiment
was,
"My
decision was the best for
me, I think, but I wish
the choice hadn't been
there.•
By Bid Day, I
was fairly certain that
Imagine ...
TT.r
_.h.,,ck
n£Ut,u
B
fee l a pact of something,
I u c ge you to reconsidec.
The Gceek system
is not ev i l .
It .i s ,
unnecessary,
howevec,
l~
e xpensive , stcessful, and
y iso T~g~- -.·an..,,,!_~;--=--,,,_...__,......,.,..,,..,~~~:~~\t. Rhodes
_1 . 1. .......
.
~
can d o
LETTER TO UNEDITOR
8
year
student:
1)
Go
Greek, and in many ways
lock yourself
into a
sing l e socia l scene, or
2) Stay independent, and
lock yourself out of a
soc ial scene.
Unfortunately,
I
can hardly suggest that
the
Greek
system
at
Rhodes be abo li shed.
It
n ot
just simply will
am
happen .
What
I
suggesting , though,
is
this:
if you are a
first-year student and
you don't want to make a
choice, stay independent.
Let the system die from
lack of i nterest, or at
least
shrink
considerably, so future
classes won ' t have to
worry about i t. over the
last three years, . I have.
seen the "locked out•
In your recent artic
Mr. Combs, entitled "c
Somebody Fart" you co
to the conclusion that ti
city council in Col \
County, GA is guilty ,
breaking civil righ ·
laws, "disfranchisin c
homosexuals,and stifl i;
dissenting opinions. As
read your article a t
finished my Rat burg
one day at lunch, my mir
wandered back to my
hour Logic class and t i
format of cogent
arguement. Conclusio r
and assertions were fou n·
in a plethora,
bu
premises and facts we 1
co r'\ h.f\U e.. d
.J
l'/C.
f"Y>..f ""
f".
SO'- I
'Z..
�not to be found in your
article. Questions like
this were asked:
--"Is anyone concerned
about the legal rights of
the few?"
--"Is it now illegal to
dissent in America ?"
. --"Is
thinking
for
' yourself tantamount to
forfeiture of
civil
ti . privileges ?"
Vintage Rhodes:
Reflections of an Academic
Degenerate
blaming them on the highpowered air-conditioner and
shocking
myself at the
realization that for the first
By: Graham YAHWEH Robertson
time since I left my friends and
Interstate 40 West still
1
The questions you should
have answered- but
didn·' :t- are these:
d11 llwnh. 01 100'6i _.,,n c•tl•ri
c1l1< c-blri11l1ri1 11
--What civil rights laws
H .95 . Trunh
were broken ?
--How
Burning Down the House
was
anyone
by Julie Meiman
stopped from dissenting ?
--How was any form of
I would hate to see this \
free thinking stifled ?
fine institution burn. to the ,
sec ///fl. c/l 'en L/?5+~/i JN
ground; I have no desire to call a ! .
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charred wasteland my alma mater.
Likewise, it would be a pity if the
Vatican were engulfed in flames.
(They've got plenty of candles-it could conceivably happen.)
The parallels between Rhodes
College and the Vatican are
striking: namely, they are both
run by stodgy white men who
enjoy dictating policy from on
high. · (As a side note: I have
nothing against stodgy white
men, really ... jusl the two to
whom I am referring in this
article--His Holiness the Pope
and His Holiness Dig Daddy
Jim.)
A new residence hall
policy, enacted at the beginning
o
o f "this schci" l year , states :
"Candles, incense, or any other
open flame device are not
permitted in residence hall
rooms" (R.C. Student Handbook,
p.26).
As a member of the
Catholic Church, and , therefore,
a spokesperson for the Pope and
the Church in its entirety, I must
state that we are highly offended
by this policy and its higher
implications. Although initially
enacted as some flimsy means of
preventing fires, it is clearly a
direct attack on the Catholic
C hurch by the governing
Protestant institution of this
school.
Rhodes is supposedly
"committed to the position that
the students should formulate
their own person al philosophy
in dialogue with a Christian
perspective on these issues in an
ll mosphere whi ch encoura ges
·
P
5
turns into Sam Cooper Blvd.,
protecting all those nifty little
creatures from far off places
kept in cages: Rhodes .. . .. . and
the ZOO of course . My
cynicism is on guard, in rare
form and two gears higher than
the overdrive in my new Honda
__ just one of the products of
my year-long hiatus from the
ivory towered walls I loved so
well. I turn the comer and find
myself alone on the divided
highway at 2 :00 AM, Atlanta
time. 1 know 1 won't be able
to fight the emotions much
longer. As 1 zoom under
Graham St. Exit the nostalgia
engulfs me. I hold back tears,
foes in Memphis I, the
consummate bastard, am giddy.
My first hours back on
campus are spent in close
company with a dear friend.
.
Sitting together in White Hall
we're alone with our thoughts,
cigarettes, religion and each
other.
I never knew how
lonely I was until I had a little
company.
As I stumble around
campus for the next few days
tracking down my ancient
syllabi for my alleged transfer I
am bombarded by hugs, kisses
and handshakes from friends I'd
left behind. My unwarranted
tenacity and fear from being
away for so long falls by the
wayside as I am suddenly back
~f~r~e~ed70~1~n~~o~f~:t~h=o~u:g:h:t-a~n~d::-"'__,~~~~~;o:e~b=>;_,,,,.,._:1_;;..~=-~•m;;:===-=--...,,~-o;=-·.-~~';::;::::::~~~:::=i.....-...__
··
. .
expression for all " (Rhodes
Catalog). Well. I'm feeling
disencouraged. I think the Pope
has some rule that says (I'm
paraphrasing) "Prayers will be
answered promptly and , most
efficiently if candles are lit and
the person offering the prayer is
gagging on incense ." . The man
has spoken--we Catholics have a
lot of rules, , and we fo.llow them
"" YES, THA-r '5 HE'~ HeR£
-rl'fE 1>&$K. I l> L1KE
o A?Pa..y f'~ -n..: 5•1>Etr:: IC:( fO~r-TIC»J You
°"'
A~l~liD.
...........
I
whether they make sense or not.
As far as I know, the
Protestants do not have any sort
of rules concernin1( operi flames
(this doesn't include hell, of
course); thu-s, the average
Presbyterian, Lutheran, etc . isn't
affected by this new policy.
I think the Pope would
agree that this policy is
discriminatory and harmful to the
future of the Church. I think it's
also noteworthy that the Vatican
has been lighting candles and
incense since the beginning of
time (or thereabouts), and it
hasn't had any major fires that I
know of. The Pope--again, with
me as his spokesperson-recognizes this attack and
challenges Mr. Daughdrill--or
should I call him Martin Luther?-to a fight in the amphitheatre at
3:00
tomorrow . . . Catholics
versus Protestants, just like the
old days. In the spirit Christian
love, the Pope sends his words of
eternal wisdom : " Hey. You
started it."
in the •groove.•
All the friends I Jove and
missed are around me once
again. I am hearing all the
same complaints I once carried
on my back: difficult classes,
mega-stress, student poverty, a
dubious
administration
operating with more secrecy
than the Gestapo -- allowing
rumors to persist because
they're too coward! y to give the
students the truth, the drudgery,
and the futility of all things
under the sun. But now, here,
tonight, on the eve of my
second departure the giddiness
returns. I finally realize what
the mysterious power is that I
miss so much about Rhodes:
the friends. That was and is
my solace, my salvation. The
small pieces of me that I see
reflected in those I was closest
to.
The communitas, the
conversations I no longer can
afford because of work
schedules, "doing lunch,"
making rent, and"paying off the
mountain of . school loans I
unknowingly accrued. This is
what ·l've sacrificed, what I've
lost.
If you haven't made
friendships of this caliber or
you have but are taking them
for granted stop and realize how
special your time at Rhodes
really is.
Everyone: I love you, you're '.
not forgotten just dearly
missed. Thanks.
. FOR
LI-FE
OR
LONGER. .. GMR
p(}ft:\ '"'th "i
51R.
y~
~tl>EPISU IS UEt(E
••• LOOIC.S LIKE
ESCARQOT M4A1,\i !
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The R.A. (I was
informed at press time that the
name The Rat's Ass is the
intellectual property of issue
one and cannot be used in
issue two) triumphantly
returned from a summer hiatus
last week with its Exclusive
Back to School Issue, once
again displaying that the
writers, even during the first
week of school, have nothing
better to do. After reading the
issue, I took a moment to
reflect and offer this critique.
Immediately apparent
is the paper's use of blatantly
sexist clip art. Culled from an
ad in a mid-sixties Esquire, the
snippet supports the notion
that less weight is more, that
to catch the eye of the steely
hunk the woman should have a
nice figure. However, the
paper's attempt at mere
montage should not be viewed
as
approval of the sexist
ideo!'ogy advanced by the ad.
Rather, it serves as a reminder
that .now hopefully obsolete
'
attitudes (but who are we
kidding?) were once rampant in
our" culture. The editors are
obviously appealing to the old
adage that history forgotten is
doomed to repeat. With this is
mind, look for The Rat's Ass
"Piece of Cheese" centerfold in
future issues honoring the
1940's calender artist, Vargas.
In another
controversial move, the paper
allows the use of the word
an
--........, ...
Dr em el
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
"fart" in C. Combs article
"Did Somebody Fart?"
Bringing to light a current
snafu in art legislation,
Combs uses the "f' word to
describe the odious actions of
the Cobb County, Georgia
government. When asked to
defend his verbal bravado,
Combs pointed out that fart
pronounced backwards is traf,
which rhymes with the name
of tennis star Stephie Graf. Of
course, the Cobb County
commissioners play tennis.
The implications, according to
the stunned editors, were too
great for a substitute phrase
such as "blow an air biscuit"
or the textbook "flatulate" to
be used.
The olfactory debate
waf~ its way to the back page
in C. Schaeffer's untitled
article supporting his right to
a natural, albeit repugnant,
body odor. A close read
reveals that Schaeffer is
actually forming a relationship
between his smelly persona
and the paper itself.
Schaeffer's demand that variant
hygienes be accepted sans
criticism from the showering
public is analogous to the
paper's desire to exist on
campus in its makeshift, some
may call it smelly, form.
Schaeffer's article, along with
Give
the repeated cut and paste logo,
forms an adroit conclusion to
~the issue.
electric
shoe polisher
Wonderful to Own. ·. . Exciting to
,P
,J.
The local theater was not '
stopped from showing the
plays nor were people
banned from attending the
play if they so chose to do
so. The only action that
took place was that
government funding was
no longer allocated to the
arts. Without answering
the questions above and
providing any facts for
your assertions, one must
come to the conclusion
that your arguement is
one big FART! Now, 'fess
up.
-- Chris Brown
Whispers of
Superficiality: A review
of last week's issue
by Brian Dixon
•
© ,
cd
r:J')
·-
Lava'• Laap of Illuaination
(Ode to Bsae)
Blue-green lava falls and swells in a primal rhythm
Like bare emotions
· Unearthed by honest digging.
A light fran within forms impressionsShadows of life and deathAn affirmation of the natural order.
A synthetic nature of blue bubble-blobs
Bearing the essence of soul-made philosophieaEons of questions without answers.
It pulses with a separate energy
And tranquility.
Reason is a treatise with realityImagination is the child of ~
Wiadan is the on,l y tranagreHionKnowledge is a f~ress of glass.
Burp.
Belch.
The wind is broken.
And illumination passes from me
With the aftermath of that chili dog
From Burney'& Burger Barn.
�TELEVISION AS A MOTIF OF
CULTURAL CORROSION (or,
why I like Roger Waters'
"Amused To Death")
by Ross Gohlke
The
first
impression
startled me like a pick-axe
to the head (did I say
startled?). I was lying on
the floor, half-asleep and
tuned out to the CD player.
Then suddenly- CHOP CHOP
- the piercing rhythm of an
axe splitting wood; I'd
already slept through the
nuclear explosion which
nearly gave my dozing
roommate a heart attack.
rock band, this time he
needs to stand on his own
two feet, and I need a
justification for not talking
about Pink Floyd.
But
Waters doesn't just stand
up. He looks you straight in
the eye, and sometimes
even gets close enough to
spit in it. Or hit you over
the head with a pick-axe.
Catcher In the Rye or
maybe Naked Lunch (the
movie).
Yet to call it
simply music is misleading.
"Amused to Death" is more
recorded performance art.
Sound effects litter the
entire album, bleeding some
songs
together
and
completely altering the
moods of others. There are
narratives also, and it
Perhaps the key to the
success of "Amused to
Death" is this balance of so
many different things, in
the curious juxtaposition of
delicacy and bloodletting,
the engagement of various
senses, the range of topics
addressed- everything
from the "Melrose Kids" to
"What God Wants" to
Tiananmen
Square in
"Watching TV"- "She's the
one in fifty million I Who
can help us to be free I
Because she died on TV."
You cannot simply listen to
this album; you must
experience it. Consid,e r it
an intense alternative to
watching
"Roseanne"
reruns some night; or
every night.
My first exposure to Roger
Waters'
latest effort
"Amused To Death" had
nothing to do with music,
which says a lot about why
this release has not
. received mountains of
attention from the music
press, although its been on
the market since 1992.
The second listening, in the
same dimly lit room with
the same crappy CD player
(apologies
to
my
roommate), this time with
both ears wide open, gave
me a clearer sense of what
this album is about, what a
mammoth
and
gutsy
undertaking it was, and just
how refreshing it is. The
sheer magnitude of Mr.
Waters' ambition alone is
admirable.
But it just so
happens that he's created a
work 01' art, which i1' not
entirely
flawless,
is
nonetheless a little gem
worthy of a listen. Well,
you really have to hear it
more than once. And you
ought to be awakealthough I have to admit it
was a pretty cool way to
wake up.
And don't try comparing
this stuff to Pink Floyd.
Although there's plenty 01'
that psychedelic influence
that made Waters famous
as a founding member of
' England's premier 70's art
quality of sound on each
track.
Even with my
roommates'
cheesy
jambox, I jumped up to
answer the phone at one
point. It just kept ringing.
By the same token, Waters
takes his music seriously,
enlisting the help of such
notables as Jeff Beck and
Don Henley to create a
dark, dirty and blue music
with integrity.
Whatever the term "college
music" has come to mean
these days really has little
to do with being in college;
and I doubt that "Amused To
Death" will ever make it to
the College Hit List- or any
hit list for that matter. Yet
Waters has produced
something that sounds more
like what should be blasting
from dorm room stereos
than any imitation grunge
sound
or
Let's-CallOurselves-Crotch rocketMam a band.
It's the
musical equivalent of, say,
wouldn't be stretching it to
call Waters' strained vocals
more
narration
than
singing. Many of the lyrics
are simply poetry painted
onto a canvas of sounds- or
perhaps it's sounds painted
onto a canvas of words?.
Regardless of how you see
it, there is no denying the
strong visual imagery
rnni11rPrl hv thP r.hnir.P ~nd
As is the case anytime
someone points the finger,
especially at well-dressed
people sitting comfortably
around big TV sets in nice
houses, there ought to be
criticism of unfair heavyhandedness. I don't hear
anything. OK, I'll say it.
The album gets a little
weighty. I mean, look at
the cover art! Forget about
understatement. And then
there's that line from "Too
Much Rope", the same song
with the axe: "Give any one
species too much rope, I
And they'll fuck it up."
But Waters' words are so
intriguing and the music so
eloquent, I can forgive him
. for being intense and
thought-provoking. In fact,
he's given those of us
monkeys without TV's
something to do.
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, September 3, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 02
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from September 03, 1993. This is the first issue in the collection to feature a "Letter to Uneditor". It contains a critique of Greek life from Mike Augspurger, and a review of a policy restricting open flames in dorms by Julie Meiman. Graham Robertson writes a farewell to Rhodes, Brian Dixon reviews the previous week's issue, and Ross Gohlke defends an album. This issue is made up of the standard four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
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Mike Augspurger, Julie Meiman, Graham Robertson, Bill Wiggleston, Brian Dixon, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown
Source
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ea22e3ba47f3479a6db7dbf534ed736.pdf
46e5ff34d30416611af4b0725c98fa2f
PDF Text
Text
fozes
t newspapers at
tliis table"
•
p·
nday 27 August 1993 V 1
o ume 2 Number 1
l
Exclusive Back-toClay's Column
by Clay
Did Somebody Fart?
Scenario: You're sitting
in the Rat after hours. It's
really quiet. You're talking
with some of your new chums
about your high school days,
how those days now seem so
far away, how you're a little
excited and a little scared about
starting out all over again in a
new environment. You share
fears and hopes. You confide
in each other. You accidentally
fart
"Did somebody fart?" asks
one of your new soulmates.
"I don't know, uh, I mean,
I didn't hear anything," you
say.
"Don't look at me," says
another new soulmate. Pause.
"Hey," he or she continues in
your direction, "you did it,
didn'tyou? You farted."
Moment of truth. Or not?
Now, 'fess up. You ain't
gonna tell nobody. You're just
going to lean back in that
wooden chair and deny the
whole thing. Make up some
trash about your chair
squeaking (your wooden chair)
or your stomach growling or
something. Fact is, everybody
knows you farted. You, God
and everybody.
You might as well just
@
0
.th it but we have
come out w1
, of getting
these little ways.
playing
d the s1tuat1on,
,_,._A
aroun.
d letting everyuvuY
sheepish an
they make a
ook when
off the h
get down to
f When you
gaf e.
od farts, makes
it, someb y d him or her
'--Ay aroun
everyovu
ff scot-free.
d gets o
suffer, an
but it can get
Seems harmless.
· es
ridiculous someum '
pretty
r.
C..."-1
00
V
but to the written documents as
they come down to us in this
century. Is it now illegal to
dissent in America? Is
\~
All in favor ofAfigures
say ...
.
'
$ue·
~\ ':)_~.
male with a goatee and glasses.
hat means all women,
nonwhites, eagle-eyes and
clean-shaven types are outta
here. And I have a mole on the
inside of my right forearm.
Guess what that means.
Somebody's farting, folks.
Either we'll giggle giddily and
let it pass or we'll call 'em on
it. Until we start being a little
more honest about things, it's
gonna stink around here.
euoMk
and we all just play along.
A couple of days ago, for
example, I heard a story on the
radio about a town whose city
council had voted to stop
government funding for the arts
because a local theater had
staged plays with homosexual
themes.
The reporter
interviewed several people who
were pleased with the vote,
applauding the council's nod to
"community standards," which
the people implied to be
roughly analogous to Christian
beliefs. Fart.
Is anyone concerned about
the legal rights of the few? I
refer not to the nebulous
Enlightenment-era-natural-lawbased rights our pioneering
politicians may have advanced,
Rat's Ass Proclaimed
Holy Writ
~
thinking
yourse.if
tantamount to forfeiture of
civil privileges?
If so, install me in office.
I'll use my rhetorical powers to
disfranchise anyone I want.
Since Cobb County GA is
taking
care
of
the
homosexuals, I'll leave that to
them. I'll set right to work on
other pesky, troublesome
groups who "threaten" my way
of life simply by not being
me. Let's see-I'm an Anglo
In a controversial move
Thursday,
the
pope
declared the Rat's Ass to be
"holy writ, straight from
the mouth of the Lord."
Biblical scholars have
already jumped into the
ring, one notable academic
countering, "This is just
another Shroud of Turin."
An international team of
acclaimed experts and
college-age deadbeats is
being gathered to conduct indepth research into the
mystery.
Donations will
supply all funding. hint.
by c schafer
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(()(()
J.,f/J The following are excerpts (due to limited space) from President Daughdrill' s "Report to the Board of Trustees," dated
'a April 15, 1993, and distributed to the faculty (but not to any students) around April 22, 1993:
...Growth has been the paradigm we have followed at Rhodes during the 20 years I've been here .
But the economic winds affecting higher education are shifting dramatically ...And what this means for Rhodes is that
we can no longer expect smooth sailing with a strategy based squarely on growth-- on increasing the numbers of students,
the number of services and staffing we offer and the corresponding amount of tuition we charge ...
We must...change the way we do business ...to. be one of the nation's best colleges of liberal arts and sciences .
... As I said at the January Board meeting, I think our chief focus must be on "affordability." By that I mean "furnishing
value for the price." If we are perceived as providing high value for the cost, we will be perceived as affordable.
I believe the most reliable indicator of affordability will be the disposable income of Rhodes parents. Therefore, we
will try to project our future tuition increases as close as possible to the disposable income rate of Rhodes parents ....
The old adage "what gets measured gets done" is largely true .... Now I want to change some of the ways we keep score.
For instance, we have talked about student-faculty ratio on the assumption that the lower the ratio the better the education.
We have talked about student services on the assumption that there was no end to the on-campus services for which students
were willing to pay. These traditional assumptions served us well during traditional times. But the wind has shifted, and I
want to measure not how many professors and staff we can hire per student, thus driving up costs (sic); I want us to start
measuring our productivity.
The measurements that we have deemed important in the past have resulted in our wanting more faculty, more staff,
more books, more release time, more cost, and more tuition. I want to change our incentives so that we will achieve more
productivity, better use of technology, lower costs per student, and lower tuition increases.
I have asked Executive Vice President Harlow to appoint an advisory task force of faculty and administrators to
recomment a division of our merit salary plan that will recognize productivity and cost-saving measures in addition to
teaching, scholarship, and service. We should have this new weighting in place by December of this year.
To ensure that this redefinition will accomplish our new goal of increased value in addition to excellence, we are
putting a cap on hiring both faculty and staff beyond the present number, while projecting a growth of ten students per year.
We will hire only to replace present faculty and staff (Italics added).
How do we achieve productivity? Part of the answer lies in expanded and innovative use of the latest technology. One
of the criteria we will use in purchasing equipment will be "how does this purchase increase productivity in serving our
students?" Measuring productivity may also mean that faculty and staff will be rewarded for increasing efficiences, cutting
cost, and more efficient use of equipment and technology. Clearly it means that each of us must find ways to deliver
excellence without adding more faculty and staff to get the job done. Increased technology and efficiency can enable us to
provid quality and personal attention to our students, but without large tuition increases ....
.
I
'
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
~ ·~
.
.
.
..
courts? )
ff iciencY
call for :rne
d Raquetball
A
Don't Nee
(Maybe we
b,·
...
,~, ,
f_f, k75j/~',j7C"/'
purpose of these two courses was
to have twenty-eight people read
a series of difficult texts, listen
to a professor tell us about the
significant symbolism and
imagery , and move on, the
classes succeeded. But if we were
supposed be taught how to think
through an idea and close read a
fictional text, I'm afraid we were
sorely misserved . I'm also afraid
that President Daughdrill doesn't
understand this.
In his report, Daughdrill
moves on to announce-- bidden
within two and a half pages of
amorphous phrases such as
"traditional times," "increasing
have to teach and make happy a~
many students as we can."
Individual attention is in effect
being discouraged. Who will
teach a direct inquiry, or a small
upper level class in an intense
subject, when it will only
decrease their salary and their
chance at tenure? Mathematics ,
physics,
and
philosophy
professors will be doomed before
they begin. The liberal arts and
diversified study will disappear
at Rhodes.
(In an unrelated thought (?),
this policy also effectively
silences the heavily-supported
faculty petition asking that
former Dean of Academic Affairs
Harmon Dunathon be reinstated
James Daughdrill said at an
"Ask, Talk, and Tell" session in
the Rat last spring that bis
function as President was chiefly
a fund-raising one; be left the
academic decisions to the deans
and faculty- an appropriate
position for a successful
businessman who bas not spent
significant time in a classroom
since be finished graduate
school.
So the question arises :
why, in his Report to the Board
of Trustees, does the President
appear to be single-handedly
changing the direction of the
Rhodes classroom? If Rhodes
needs to cut costs (which is
VIBRA-Barbel/
admirable), why are these cuts
~~':,~~t~~ a b~~bell, becau se
being made in areas the faculty
exercis e apPii~ n~= ~~ 71 ~ ~.n l~ ,
feels to be most important?
~ends a glori o u s tin gle fr~ ~l .
ead to to e with evf!ry motio n
Daughdrill writes in the
: •• m ak~ s yo u feel exhil arat ingly ali ve a// o ver!
report that he wants to "change
the way we keep score . For productivity .. . of the faculty," $4450
instance, we have talked about and "innovative use of the latest .,h M " " ' "
student-faculty ratio on the technology" -- that "we are Wl ag1c Pad
assumption that the lower the putting a cap on hiring of both
Ju.1tclip on the '' J.fagic Pad"
a nd '?ouage away bulges:
ratio the better the education." faculty and staff beyond the
eaa1t lt~d •pot3, F eels good!
The implication is that this present
number,
while as a Chemistry professor. But
assumption is no longer correct. projecting a growth of ten that is another issue.)
. .
No reason for this change in students per year." In other
Making such dec1s10~s
perception is given.
b0 ut the teacher-student ratio
words, thirty people will be in
k ' d of
Last semester, I had two that English class next year, and a
surely requires some m
English discussion courses-- one maybe thirty-one or two the year "alternate"
measure
of
a 300 level course-- with over after that.
excellence. Daughdrill proposes
twenty-five people in each. I
This
move
towards that the answer ~o .more
haven't had over twenty people "efficiency" is also being
"efficient" education hes m the
in an English class since the calculated into teacher's salary
"latest techno 1ogy " -- . new
.
ninth grade. Does this hinder increase and tenure formulas . As
.
eqmpment · "One of the cntena
.
the educational process? If the one professor commented, "We
·11 use in purchasing
we w1
.
. ment will be 'how does this
equip
. . .
urchase increase productivity m
P
serving our stu den t s ?"' Is .be
.
.
referring here to the $1 7 nulhon
Ruthie Stevenson, Manlbeddeder
...;:;;:,.~--- - --1
How will a computer explain the
intricacies of Paul Tillich or late
developments in the Middle
East? The frightening fact is that
Daughdrill has no solid idea
which will counteract the loss of
faculty-student contact. In most
of the liberal arts , nothing can
take the place of individual
attention; this is one of the
~uths which has made colleges
like Rhodes so attractive.
The ultimate problem with
~resid.ent Daughdrill's viewpoint
hes in the opening of his
speech. "If we are perceived as
providing high value for the
cost, we will be perceived as
affordable " (Italics added) .
Daughdrill is a fund-raiser, not a
scholar. To him, and the people
he deals with, the difference
between 12: l and 15: l is slight.
To the serious student and the
professor,
it
is
very
considerable. To Daughdrill, a
Campus Life Center impresses
visitors. To a student and a
professor, it makes an afternoon
game of racquetball a little more
pleasant.
business
approach
A
towards growth has brought
Rhodes to national prominence
over the last twenty years. The
goal now must be to make
Rhodes the most effective center
of learning possible. It is time
for the students and faculty-- the
scholars-- to take Rhodes
· ~ College back as their own .
What other campus publication
would miss Seinfeld to bring
you hard copy the first Frida
of school?
Y
Mike Augspurger, Editor Scluneditor
Clay Combs, Predator Editor
Brian Dixon, Predicate Editor
Jeff Gadomski, Etiquene Editor
Pat Garrett, Methereditor
Julie Meiman, Wetabeditor
Chuck Shaffer, Fetacheddartor
____
Campus Life Center ? I w d
·
on er.
Rhodes alr
.
eady has a top of the
1me comp t
u er system and
language lab. Where
next? H
.
do we go
·
·
ow will " technology"
improve that English class ?
That's what we thought!
When it comes time for
our crack Allocations Board to
hold their annual convention in
Atlantic City, just remember
who loves ya, baby.
·Eun foY people who hat
-~e
.
mountains
�The Memphis Nationalist:
Over Easy Please
by Brian Dixon
GUARAN;~E;dO~ft;~a;;~t;HUNDED
\
lJ..~;.f)~
1.·~~
Supp-hose·
In a time when our
culture seems to pride itself on
attending to almost any issue of
discrimination that can be
constructed to exist by our
overactive minds, there seems to
my mind to be a fairly
significant one that has yet to
issue forth from the issue
here. You may be thinking to
factory: the olfactory issue. I
yourself that this is an extremely
have a personal stake here; I do
artificial problem for me, a
not bathe on a particularly
problem that I could easily
regular basis . I assure you,
remedy by s~owering daily. I
faithful reader, that it is not the
could do so. But where is the
artificiality in this situation?
unusual occasion upon which the
comer of my eye detects the
Certainly my odor is natural. Of
subtle nodding of heads or a
course, we have to Jive close
vulgar
sneer
meant
to
together here on this college
communicate ungentle feelings
campus,
so
abandoning
ourselves completely to dirt and
about my odor. This troubles me
and strikes me as unnecessarily
perspiration is impractical.
judgmental; that is, a negative
However, bathing fully every day
judgment is applied to me solely
is a fairly uncommon custom
because I carry the natural odor of
worldwide and the American
sweat Now there may be those
obsession with the daily rinse is,
among you who are already
by and large, the exception to
finding fault with my complaint · the rule. Surely, departures from
this standard should, within
reason, be viewed with tolerance.
If it is not acceptable to make fun
··· of a person's dress or lifestyle,
we can certainly refrain from
meeting variant hygienes with
upturned noses.
by charles schafer
- o:yo1?- make
D
these
common
mistakes
With the term dinner
shamelessly interchanged with
lunch, meal terminology can
be a source of great
consternation. Liberals, like
that vixen Susan Sontag,
argue that this breakdown of
ambiguous language is
necessary for a modem society,
that the rules governing the
amalgamation of low and high
culture should also apply at
the table.
I find great comfort
that no one has similarly
attacked breakfast. For now,
there is a consensus that
breakfast should be called just
that. In this we can rejoice
because the power of a good
breakfast is staggering and
unchallenged. A well done,
and I don't mean overdone,
breakfast sets the tone for a
day offering · limitless
possibilities. Poorly executed,
breakfast leaves- a bitter
disposition and a longing to
return to bed. Speaking to
liberals on the campus and the
morally bankrupt everywhere,
I realize that this is not
necessarily a negative quality.
Nonetheless, breakfast, good
or bad, is the best way to start
the day - with food.
For the most part, the
RAT provides a decent
breakfast, especially if you
drink the sometimes stout
coffee. There are, however,
several other well appointed
breakfasts to be found in the
City.
Offering down home
southern fare, Ferguson's is
perhaps the most familiar
breakfast joint to Rhodesters.
A weekend visit will usually
find one or two students
I
enjoying fried eggs (over easy
please), sausage (patties
preferred) and biscuits slathered
in milk gravy. Ferguson's
specialty is country ham and
red-eye gravy, a concoction of
ham drippings and coffee, and
offers such delicacies as
country hash and pork brains.
Ferguson's uniqueness,
though, is not the food, but its
steadfastness. The restaurant
is, and has been for several
decades, located at 3171
Summer A venue. The sign
out front. Its real. The swivel
stools at the counter. Real.
Stepping into Ferguson's is
like stepping into the 19.SO's,
an era of innocent confusion.
Lunch may have been dinner,
but it wasn't because of some
modern liberal mambo jambo.
The
Barksdale
Restaurant, located on Cooper
near Peabody, offers much of
the same menu found at
Ferguson's.
The main
difference is the atmosphere.
Where Ferguson's is stylized,
the Barksdale is plain and
simple. Unless, of course,
you consider the celebrity
portraits that line the walls.
Some are well known and
some are, well, obscure. Once
again, however, the hand of
the wicked liberal is present.
Professional wrestlers and
athletes share the wall of fame
with country singers and soap
stars, in a confusing
intermingling of society's has
beens, never beens, and once
weres with the who's hot.
What better place for this
confusion to happen than a
restaurant which probably
serves dinner when they should
be serving lunch. Don't fret.
Just grab a biscuit and enjoy
your breakfast. No one is
trying to call it what it isn't.
Yet.
HOMEWARD BOUND
r
Guard against
SEA 'SICKNESS
l\10THERSILL'S
INVALUABLE,
SEA- SICK
IT
REMEDY
POSITIVELY
IS
PREVENTS
0
... about '~~iskey?
&.
cuRES' · SEA~ AIR. &:
TRAIN
SICKNESS
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 27, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from August 27, 1993. A headline reads "Exclusive Back-to-school Issue!" Clay Combs writes about farts and honesty. Excerpts from President James Daughdrill's "Report to the Board of Trustees" are published alongside a response by Mike Augspurger. Brian Dixon and Charles Schafer fill the back page with opinion pieces. This is the first full-sized issue in the collection with four 8.5" x 11" pages.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Brain Dixon, Charles Schafer, James Daughdrill, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, Ruthie Stevenson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8312a2bf4fc328bc2ee497237fefb43a.pdf
6e0f81e64d9033e10f228349c355c2f1
PDF Text
Text
~uttbay ~uppltmtttt
i>un~~!1 2 may 19 9 3 ~olumt Allin,.
w
~
--------·
»umbtr ®nt
"'We're the j;unba!' j;uppltment that gi1>eg a rat'g an."
FBI Stonns Rat's Ass
Compound. Cult
Members Tar and Feather
Themselves to Fulfill
Prophecies.
by Brian Dixon
In a surprise move late
last night the FBI, feeling tl1at
a peaceful end to the skinnish
was impossible, penetrated Ille
secret location of Ille Rat's Ass
offices. "Things were getting
out of control in tl1ere," stated a
top FBI spokesperson. In
response to tl1e manuevers, cull
members doused themselves
witl1 molasses and jumped into
huge barrels of ckicken
feathers, which they had been
illegally stockpiling for several
weeks. TI1e FBI did blast
several containers of maple
Syrup into tl1e compound,
hoping to drive out U1e
members. However, t11c maple
syrup used was a non-sticking
variety. An FDI syrup
specialist defended Ille actions,
"In no way whatsover did our
blasting maple syrup into-iliecompound have anytl1ing to do
with the horrific actions taken
by the cult. In fact, we used a
fat-free syrup to avoid raising
tl1eir cholesterol levels."
The cult, now
hopefully defunct, has been
printing collages in U1e guise
of accurate student journalism
for at least five weeks. The
FBI began monitoling t11e
situation when cult members
began to prophesy tliat the
journal would double in size
each week, possibly reaching
Ill 1000 page level in a matter
•hs This • of _
course,
e
.
0 f monu•.
was the first in a se~1es of hes
during the tense penod.
Apparently, however,
their promises to tar and featller
memselves and anyone :'ho
attempted to impede tlletr
effo11s was no hoax. "Thank
God none of us were made
subject to their humiliating
torture," said an obviously
relieved Federal Agent.
Another agent, obviously
disu·essed after five weeks of
tense waiting, was heard
exclaiming, "Oh my God
tl1ey're tar and feallle1ing
themselves," as U1e compound
became an oozing, viscous
puddle of molasses.
Humanitarian groups
have criticized tl1e FI31, calling
t11eir surprise attack prematw·e.
"Why didn't they nab tl1e
cultists on t11eir way to cla<>s or
in their dorm rooms," noted a i
concerned member of the liberal ;
free press, "The actions of tl1e
FBI have resulted in a blatant
loss of molasses."
President Clinton,
however, stood by the actions
of tJ1e FBI and tJ1e Atlorney
General, who approved Ille
FBl's plans. "We stand by Ille
actions of U1e FBI and U1e
Attorney General," Clinton said
in an address to Ille nation
minutes after tl1e ordeal was
over. The director of the FBI
praised U1e Federal Agents for
putting their humility on the
line in a potentially
embanassing situation. "The
The Rh o des Co llege
Ce nter
has
Wellne ss
anno unc e d p l ans to h o ld a
series of
instructive
seminar s on two c om mo n
eating
disord e rs,
anorexia
and bulim i a.
i "The college campus like
; Rhodes i s a perf e ct p lace
i for beh a vior patterns
such a s th es e to spr e ad
I like wildfire," s ays the
! Rhodes Co lleg e Welln e ss
Coordinator.
Recently the center
began another aw a r e ness
program with the same
goal:
pos ting the fat
! grams p e r s e rving n e xt to
i meal sel ections in the
Rat .
But that si mply
! wasn't
e n o ugh .
"The
wo men o n this campus just
aren't W l 1 enough," she
e
Federal Agents showed poise.
Despite being showered by
feat11ers, llley never retaliated in
any fashion," remarked the
Attorney General, "I think
we've set a precedent for
dealing wit11 embarassing cults
and oilier counter-culture
groups."
The cult members are
in custody, but have not been
identified as of yet due to l11e
tl1ickness of the chicken
feathers . As soon as t11e
members can be identified tl1ey
will stand tiial and more tlian
likely be scapegoats for a
variety of society's
unexplainable ills.
rrabulae
Rasae
i
I
!
! contin u ed,
"They must
learn
to
trim
t h o se
i tummies
an d hem th os e
; hips·
We felt lik e a
/ progra m which wo uld t ake
/ the girls s tep-by-s t ep
through the proce s s of
j- attaini n g
an
eating
i disord e r
wo uld
be
helpful .
Many women a re
I too shy t o as k q u es tions
l
i a b out th e pro s a nd cons
of the v a rious di sorders;
1many a re left on their
own to ex p er im e nt, and
this c a n hind er th e ir
move tow a rd W llness . "
e
Parties
int er est e d
in
achievin g Welln es s are
, e ncouraged t o co ntact the
\ center, or simpl y wa t ch
l out
for
bulletins
!a nnoun ci ng the pr o g ram ,
je ntitled, "W e ighing Less
·f o r Wellne s s. "
!
I
I
Carnpns virgins.
Once again
Esquire go es ·w here
no E1::t:il
has gone before.
�.·,., , ..... . .
.
. .
.....'."'\,
v · yo u ,;<" ·
··e · ·
. t,.,,., . ... ' ·. .·.· .. <.,:\
.
~· ·~Ha
·''
1
•
Hl'eard:about
ittiCone with Tiddy's
f-:danadian Liqueur? ·
,
,
i~
.
.
\
•
--i~intL Appear During Annu~i-1
.\ Rites Debauch
by Clay Combs
•I
I
have ~
Several students
reported seeing ghostly figures
bearing the likenesses of Jerry ~
Fernandez and Jeff Gadomski, ~
Rhodes's two Patron Saints of
. Financial Aid, during the.Rites of
Spring festival earlier this ~
1
mont h .
;
"I was just standing around
watching th~ end of the [NCA~J
championship basketball] game,
said junior Billy Bill Billings,
"and then I look over and see '
these two guys standing around a
light pole outside Clough, with
their hands folded. I just thought
they had been, you know ,
smokin', or I thought maybe they I
were a couple of fags. Well, I
didn't know what they was, but I I
knew I saw something. It was .
spooky."
I
"It was the most beautiful i
.
I
thing I'd ever seen," said Drucilla i
Festeusc.
"At first I was /'
overwhelmed with awe. Then I
just relaxed and allowed myself to /
get caught up in the moment I I
was moved to interpretive dance." j
The sightings follow a yeaq
.
of controversy surroun d rng 'j
Fernandez and Gadomski. Both!
came to Rhodes under the
pretense of secure fin~ncial ai_d I
. packages, o nly to ftnd thetr l
' scholarships, grants and executive
washroom privileges withdrawn i
'after they had completed one year
of studies. The pair disappeared
under a cloud of suspicion.
There followed a wave of
reactions from all segments of
society.
Several students, '
appalled at perceived injustice,
picketed the Financial Aid office.
They were hosed down with a
solution of Aunt Jemima syrup.
The Arkansas-based Church ·
Saints of Financial Aid .
.Art History Professor David
McCarthy delivered a lecture
entitled "Ben Shahn Meets
1
Fernandez and Gadomski: A
Sacco
and
Vanzetti for
: Postmodern America."
The
· comparison sparked a national
I
[ .
' debate surrounding alleged un air
treatment of students with ethnic
' surnames and firs t names that
.
begin with the letter J.
(Rhodes's
Minister o f
Homogeneity and self-professed
G ood 01' Boy Jim "Whitey"
' Smythe, responded to the
allegations in a CNN press
conference. "The Filipino and
the Yankee?" he said. "No way
did we ever discriminate against
them. They never Jost their
cxecuti ve washroom pri vileges.")
Professor Michael McLain of
the Religious Studies department
published an essay in the ultrahot Journal of Philosophical
Stuff entitled "Visions of the
Patron Saints of Financial Aid :
Delusory o r Veridical?" He
asserted the visions' vcridicality
cannot be rationally admitted
because of the yearly recun-ence
of visions of all sorts around
Rites of Spring, citing past
' reports filed by current Rat's Ass
correspondent Maj or Bat Guano.
Critics of the article claim
the visions could be verified,
even capitali zed upon, if there
1
were pictures. The Rat's Ass
; brings you here the only known
pictures taken during the Rites
appearanc.~:. .._
I
I
I
<>f lhc Sub-Genius sanctified the
n issiil g coll egians as lhr P :i l rrm
- - The campus has calmed
down. But doctors are beginning
to assess delayed effects of the
sai nts' appearance in respo nse to
Moore Moore Moore infirmary
reports of drastic increases tn
complaints from short-term
merp ory lo ss , involuntary
poverty and hallu cinati o ns of
Elvis.
r----I
----- , ,,
,
....
I The Kritics Korner
I
t
I
I
I Anyone can do a paper-· I
: just ask the kids at Rat's ~
I Ass. Hell, next year why I
I doesn't everybody print a I
I paper next year?" Brett \
I Cullum
l
I- - - - - - - - - ----1
I
11
~uaffmansfiip
l/
'/
I
j
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass Sunday Supplement, May 02, 1993, Volume 01, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from May 02, 1993. It is the first issue in the satirical series, and is shorter than the rest. It contains a piece by Brian Dixon in which the FBI storms the "Rat's Ass" headquarters. Mike Augspurger writes about eating disorders on campus, and Clay Combs describes ghostly encounters during Rites of Spring. It also features a critique by Brett Cullum. This scan is of a distribution copy. It was printed on a single sheet of standard 8.5" x 11" copy paper.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Brian Dixon, Mike Augspurger, Clay Combs, Brett Cullum
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/148a383085a8473b464406f387f09f25.pdf
ffb4ffd61c7922f3ee4e2928e7bd270a
PDF Text
Text
"T::,~.:kiing the most benign issues, for fear of Santa Claus."
Don't tw,·
body to ist Your ,
Qet Into
Position.
~
..,_v
~
<,.,,o""
Vol. Il Issue 12
~
I
December 8, 1993
<\>'l)
~/~Special Holid~l. , !~sue !!
* • • • • * * • * • • • * *
The blatant
presentation of raw ideas
through the form of
DIALOGUE has fallen into
disfavor in these subtle and
calculated times. Those of
us who eschew elegance of
form have gone underaround
'
writing our simple and
styleless pieces as best we
can, burdened as we are by
the weight of ignominy and
general thickness.
Occasionally a fragment such
as this will be championed by
a poor and struggling rag
which can find no other
"copy• to fill its worthless
calumns. It is only through
these pitiful opportunities
that our opinions see any
chance of entombing
themselves in your brain.
Read this, then, with the
kind of special attention you
would give to a sick and
dying animal. You owe it in
the name of pity.
A Conversation
Between John a.
Smoker and John
Nonsmoker
jqs: Why do you persecute
me so?
jqn: Because your very
existence persecutes me.
jqs: Good point.
a.
jqn: Do you think it is cool
to smoke? Or are you
merely addicted. Pick one; '
will be condescending no
matter which answer you
choose.
jqs: Both. Does that mean I
get a double dose of you on
your high horse?
jqn: I would have thought
you'd be more creative.
jqs: If I told you why I
really smoke, you'd laugh,
maybe think I was just full
of sh_t.
jqn: Go ahead, shoot. I'm
listening. I don't have
anything else to do, and I get
fidgety during long silences- don't know what to do with
0u••••
unfulfilled oral fixation is a
bugger for creating nervous
tics.
l'HE § Do not. let Grey Hai
_
[jqs lights up)
§
appear.
jqs: I sincerely believe that MEXICAN § or1f1n•I colou r. or White Hair to
= R~·! 0 r•• Grey where the il•ndi
smoking is the 1~st
HAIR § notdH!royed. com1nt out. Hctt or
Cl
:; tb• H•1r from Pre~entaOaodrulf,
connection we moderns h
§
••d Srreoc<h••• th• "'''·
.
ave RENEWER =is NOT A DYE
With the primitive archetype
I s
Sold Ev~rywhe r
of humanity. Human as firepossessor, human as torchjqn: ·-.vaS: you say?
cai·rier, human as controller
jqs: Yes, •was.· She died
of that most powerful of the
of lung cancer last year.
four elements of nature
jqn: Doesn't that make you
jqn: Fire?
' ...
want to stop smoking?
jqs: Indeed. The power to
jqs: Why?
burn is the power to
jqn: Well, obviously because
destroy. Imagine it ...
a death in your family due to
unimaginable power! In
smoking should make you
1
addition, the cigar or
cigarette is a phallic symbol,
which reminds me of my
mother. She was a smoker,
too.
r'l
u
reconsider your own
smoking habit!
jqs: Smoking doesn't cause
cancer! That's a lie spread
by aliens!
chuck: Does anybody want
part of a tree trunk?
jqn: What!!??!
chuck: Now that I'm part of
this conversation it's a
_ trlalogue. I was just
asking. Pardon me. I guess
I'll be going.
jqs: Before you go, could
you settle one thing?
chuck: Sure.
jqn: After you sum up the
pros and cons, is smoking ...
cool?
chuck: Why, I believe that it
- - · [cough]
b'\ ~\.. ....\....:
~,L..,f-
�Random Ruminations on an Old Magazine: Holling Sto~ August .5
;Jy Ross Gohlke
One thing I can't stand is
)]d magazines. It doesn't
matter if I'm just biding time in
rhe john trying to beat my dad's
1 ecord for pages read on the pot
r trying to put myself to sleep
(my textbooks usually suffice
fo r that), old magazinesanything that's not the most
recent issue- just plain suck. So
why am I reviewing the August
5 issue of .l?o/lhlg Stom~an issue
with pages still devoted to the
"Lollapalosers Tour" '93?
Because I didn't even read that
article (not all of it) and
because I can . Also, it was a
Christmas present from a friend
back home who works in a
music store and got it for free.
So it has sentimental value.
My friend saved it for me
because of the Soul Asylum
cover story. "soul asylum,
platinum punks" is a pretty
good title (better than Time's
moniker: Tunesmiths) and the
a rticle is pretty good, too.
Have you ever noticed, though,
how
rock
magazine
interviewers always have to
concentrate on one member of
the group, even if the band
members say things like,
"We're a team. Everyone is
equally important"?
Dave
Pirner is in the middle of every
photograph, even the ones that
aren't just of him . I just don't
understand where this guy gets
off saying, "It is the interplay
of Pirner and Murphy that
defines the balance, that keeps
soul asylum pointed down the
highway." What about poor
old Karl Mueller, who started
the band, and Grant Young?
Don't they count? Well, I want
to forget about Dave and Dan
for a moment. I think that Karl
just (well. back befor:e August 5)
dumped his girlfnend of 1,3
years for Winona Ryder. Shes
not even that hot! (too
scrawny).
The article about Eden
(pronounced Eddin) Jacobowitz,
who got in HU GE trouble at U
Penn for ca\hng some people
"waterbuffaloes" and told
them to go to the zoo in an
attempt to make them be quiet
while he was studying, was
infromative and moving. They
Camera ham
~'
l read most of the album
.
but I don't feel I can be
review~.
h to criticize
objectwe enoug .
rm still
their music cnt1c1sm..
.
f
reeling from the m1ust1ce o
Automatic /or the People
getting classic status (five
stars[~ 0 *"]) when The fos/Jua
Tree, obviously the best album
in the past 20 years, only got
four stars (** 0 ) . I just don't
trust their music critics to be
objective. 1 should written
those reviews (even if I wasin
high sc h oo 1 w l1en U2 's
masterpiece came out).
There was an article about
k.d. lange, a "lesbian, feminist,
vegetarian canadian" country
music singer who has won "a
grammy and the hearts of
America"; but since I have
little practical knowledge of
this marginalized social
group- and because she didn't
capture my heart- I didn't
read it. Call me a biased
middle class white male
protestant from the heartland
(you'd be right), but ~ just d:dn't
want to read it.
And I didn't even consider
reading William Greider's
article about Bm Clinton. I've
never understood why a music
mag would stoop to the level of
talking about politics.
So that's my review. Hope
you liked it. I just couldn't
think of anything better to say
(what does that tell you?).
tumed out to be black girls With
extremely delicate racial
identities who pressed Speech
Code charges and hied to bring
Eden to his racist knees in
apology. The phrase "black
water buffalo" is defined as a
raciaJ epithet according to the - - - - - - J.l.~h- · universty's Racial Harassment
Iha ..~·· ) - ~ u a
Policy, and "H doesn't matter I
what Eden meant; what
matters is how the words were
interpreted. If the women's
feelings were hurt, then it's
racial harassment ."
Eden
thought this was all just too
Mueller and Grant Young are
cool. Sure, Dave has the really silly to be true, but he
eventually started to feel
cool hair, but Grant's the one
victimized and refused to
with the boyish good looks.
And even if Karl is butt-ugly, cooperate and went public. He
For many years our Money Drawing Buddha h~s
at least he doesn't have to get finally won the case, but not
drawn hundreds of dollars to those who believe m
someone else to play his ba_ss without considerable anguish.
his powers! If you rub his belly faithfully , he will
work his special magic to bring you all the money
when they record. (down wit~ He still stutters when he talks
you could ever need . He can be used in any Money
the SmAshinG PUmpKms .. ) about it.
Drawing ritual over and over agam.
M1142 ... . ................ . ..... · · · .$8.95
Besides, Dave's the one that
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. . . body else says
tosome
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. 1 ·:"I'm into pl~y.1~
ChadrleY.: ' and not g1v1n
an ov1n
. adamnforthe
rest of my life.''
What Christmas means to me,
or,
Gertrude Stein please report to
the customer service desk we
ha\re found your prose poem on
c URS - ALL fuvj-Ust o. l? cni.t an lff Wt"°r .
THE
the holiday season
gelatin dessert
J;, .
BRAND
N[I WI 307
Money
CAh\l\oS-\- rt\JAt ~ 1-t-~
S~vt +o~ stu.++1~ fG.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy .
Warm fuzzy. Big meal. Warn:.
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Big meal.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Cool present. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Killer Mastercard bill,
spanning the next eight
months in the paying. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. A rose is still an onion.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Trim the tree. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
The Grinch. Yeah, that's it.
The Grinch. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
�Maybe So...
by Mike Augspurger
A rag like this
sometimes gets soaked
with pessimism. Cynicism
continually
smeared all over the
headlines. Wrong, wrong,
wrong. Everything has
problems which must .be
cleaned up. This article
however, will help to Wip~
the slate; no necks will
be wrung here, no
policies taken to the
cleaners. Rhodes may
not be as dirty as we
sometimes portray it
After all, it's mostly just ~
bunch of clean-cut
ivory-skinned kids tryi~
to get by in a washed-up
system. So, Cheers to
the signs that Tide may
be turntng:
lJ The International
Studies master's program
appears to be dead.
Never mind that it
supporters
ignore~
almost
unanimous
faculty opposition to the
program, never mind that
it seemed to be perverttn
the idea of a liberal art~
school, and never mind
that someone tried to
push it through on the
basis of a completel
unrealistic budget. 1 ~
the end, the committee
investigating its possible
~cepU_o!1 recognized that
u would cost four times
the proposed/ supposed
three million dollars, and
a faulty idea died.
2)
The MacLab
directors decided (for the
second or third semester
in a row) to stay open
until two during exam
week and the week and a
half preceding. No one
had even to complain.
3)
Both the Pikes
and the Kappa Sigmas
have gone out of their
"Don't Settle for less."
Will be common practice,
and Rhodes Will become
wa to visibly advertise, the grand ol' community
toy both males and which all of us want it to
females. on-campus open be.
arties this semester. 1
There you have it. A
~ member being told my completely optimistic
r!st year that most Gr~ article. Have a nice day.
arties were open to
p ampus· 1 soon resigned
c
1f to the fact that
~=~as true only in the
sense
that.
s~~·
professors have comp e e
Th b
academic freedom in the
e rew that's all bark, no bite!! classroom. Perhaps one
day this type of gesture
THE RAT'S ASS OFFICIAL STRESS TEST
(All questions adapted from the Stress Test in Briggs Student Center)
(answer al! questions "Grrectlv and honestly.)
1. Every night yoa find yourselfstudying after midnight- add 5pts.
2. If you drink alcohol or use tobacco to alleviate stress- add 5pts.
3. If you procrastinate on ciass assignments- add 5pts.
4. If you use time management skills- deduct 1Opts.
5. If you have a family that bitches at you- add 5pts.
6. If you decide to go watch a movie instead of finishing
that important paper- add 5pts.
7. If you are at least lOlbs. under or over your ideal weight- add 5p
8. If you have sex without any protection- add !Opts.
9. If you dropped out of two of your classes
this semester- add 25pts. and give yourself a pat-on-the-back
10. If you attend Wellness seminars- deduct 25pts
11. If you get up in the morning before 10 a.m.- deduct 20pts
12. If you don't get along with your roommate.-add !Opts
* Brou~ht to you by The R.A. Foundation for Wellness
Stress Test Score Chart
75-65: Good job. Your stress level is not affecting you.
65-50: 0.K.; You need to drop a class and have a beer.
50-35: Trouble. You need to re-evaluate your priorities.
35-0 : Emergency. Find the nearest gun and shoot yourself.
Death is better than the life you have.
Let falling knives fall. (Never
attempt to catch them!)
Nostalgia in advertising: Conipan~es ~ring back
the past to sell everything from sh1pp10g to soup
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 8, 1993, Volume 2, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1993
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 8, 1993. This Issue of The Rat's Ass was the "Special Holiday Issue!!" On the front page Charles Schafar tells a story in the name of pity. Ross Gohlke critics old magazines and how they have no relevance. All the while Clay Combs tells a beautiful Christmas poem. Mike Augspurger tells us why Rhodes isn't as dirty as we portray it on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Schafar, Charles
Gohlke, Ross
Combs, Clay
Augspurger, Mike
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass