2
25
415
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0566972dfc1655f3e21e0d5b7c28f6eb.jpg
8154564f1cb9b9b718574c5b3d43be18
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Senior Thesis Show (1996)
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/26501
1996
art department
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
senior thesis
spring
student art
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d05f99a4432191b503509930585bea0d.jpg
c08e10418af254c788275a5bfa782b88
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Juried Student Art Show (1995)
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1995
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/26472
1995
art department
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
juried
spring
student art
student show
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/7f92f79597e7b27b5b7111a8f9d22c24.jpg
a68daf9f2110aa85695c38b4cef01c84
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Coleman Coker
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1995
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/26471
1995
art department
clough-hanson gallery
coker
coleman
exhibitions
installations
spring
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/70e56f3005c29b5bc4a4ea7d7569f5a7.jpg
82de2329b00a73fe7a792d58d4384cd5
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Jay Etkins
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1994
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/26384
1994
art department
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
jay etkins
paintings
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/daddcaded4846aa473c52460f0e2818c.jpg
33f219124b56e861eb180920a9072899
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Rhodes College: Permanent Collection
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1994
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/26404
1994
art department
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
faculty art
fall
painting
permanent collection
public art
sculpture
student art
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9a4f0418163799d735652be9ec1e1a3a.jpg
7f0e6eebc6696ec13321bb2d394394c9
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Gary Cawood: Recent Works
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1994-10-14
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/26201
1994
art department
cawood
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
fall
gary
photographs
recent works
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/7347e6f97aac4873c93875083a821ee2.jpg
4b9c5b4e2e8116c76ded73081db35e98
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Juried Student Exhibit (1993)
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1993-03-28
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
http://hdl.handle.net/10267/23900
1993
art department
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
juried
spring
student art
student show
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/85bea3e186f6f8f0702fddb8591b6ea7.jpg
393c9cfd19f68e6ce1ecb310dd62d55d
Still Image
A static visual representation. Examples include paintings, drawings, graphic designs, plans and maps. Recommended best practice is to assign the type Text to images of textual materials.
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Val Valgardson: Suburban Artwork
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
DLynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
1999-10-12
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital images in this repository. Images are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu.
1999
art department
clough-hanson gallery
exhibitions
fall
image
sculpture
suburban
val
valgardson
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d41de7917e1cd6d525e487fba858c6a0.pdf
024707b13b9fe9daf73b8cdf49779121
PDF Text
Text
s
ASS STRENGTH
There's No Going to
Town in Bathtub, or,
How to Endlessly
Enjoy the Fracture of
Narrative.
b~ 1'\1'rtin
'FcJ(
~
Tomorrow's leaders
Edward Gorey's
phantasmagoria
consists of parodies of
Victorian children's
literature, adopting a
darker version of
Lewis Carroll's antididactic strategies.
His The Raging Tide:
or, the Black Doll's_
Imbroglio uses the
form of Choose-YourOwn-Adven ture children's novels in
which -the reader is
pn:~sented with a
degree of control in
linking passages
together through
directed pageturning.
1 one sciens
tific answer to that idiotic Freudian
mumbo jumbo .
are busy tonight
The form of
the text, then, is
potentially different
with every reading.
Each page consists of
a sentence _
ac-companied by two choices_
_and page-ilirectives
a._11d a drawing
illustrating the
action. Thus, if you
find Hooglyboo's
cramming Eighash
inside a vase elev€!",
you are instructed to
turn to 11,
continuing the
narrative. If, on the
other hand, all this
seems too terrible to
contemplite, you
turn to page 29,
send.ing_everyone
joyously to an early
grave and ending the
story. In some
readings, two to four
T·N·T
,,_ p 0 PC 0 RN
of the protagonists
will assault one
another with
domestic objects until
the end, with possible
excursions to the
Dogear Wryde
Topiary Gardens or to
illuminatory passages
on turnips and
prunes.
The control, in
the forms that Gorey
satirizes~ however, is
somewhat illusory,
an4.as_ is traditional
in children's literature, is designed to
impose codes of
''common'' sense._ and
morality ,-as death of
the reader (the ending of the narrative)
can result from
choices deemed
"wrong'~ by the
author. Gorey
subverts this by foregrounding the
manipulativness of
the genr.e and
pointing towards the
implicit codes-of
morality in the
choices offered. One
act of attempted
senseless violell€e
leads to another, with
little s€Ilse of order
other than_that
Linposed by the
reader's choices. The
implication, then, is
that such · systems are
arbitrary and
therefore without
--~ ,....,
.-
....... :
·-
,....
THE ENEMY
NOW
IF EUROPE AND ASIA1·
.
WERE LOST
-,
.
TOTAL POPULATION is ~O\\'. r.oushly h~·o to one in our fav or.
'°i
.
�·~
,.
.
~
...............
..
. ,,,,.,..-~ ,,,... /I
,
·" j
• / ,-/
/.,,..,
·
·· ·
· h Ross Gohlk_ ":
e
An Interview ~ft
./7 .., -·-r , ~ ..
-.-,,
.
-.
/7
.
~~
•
...,·.:;·~·
l<
Well, another school year
is underway, and you're a
senior, right?
R: Right.
r: I should mention that I'm
not conducting this
) interview because I
•. ·?:; personally find you very
D:a..: interesting, but you are a , ,.
-~ pretty visible person on .
1.,,. campus this year, not
-;' necessarily visuallyR: I live off campus, but I hav
a meal ticket.
r: What I mean is that
because of some of the
things you're involved in
this year at Rhodes our
readers might like to know
a bit more about you.
R: You have readers? ·
r: I know you are a
sometimes contributor to
the Rat's Ass. What are
some of your worthwhile · · -~ :i.
extracurricular activities? -~ '¥
R.: Actually I'm about the only _-:-'
· J.
good thing the Rat's Ass
·~!l\'
,:::has going for it this year,
.
..
but don't print that. I'm
,/
also an officer in the Wool '
Socks, Rhodes' only
/ _!!:::'~ ' ·
d
double barbershop quartet. r _ .
')
Maybe not for long. There ~
is a group of about 20 or
so young women forming
a group called the Silk
Stockings.
Obviously derivative and
doomed to failure with a
name like that.
What's wrong with being
derivative? Do you think
thatyour group is original? _ _ __,
Don't get me started on
the epistemelogical
problem of mimesis. I'm in
Contemporary Continental .
- - - ··
·- -·
IVER
.
~~
-·"'.'
1 ~~~~~o~;~:iEngiisli
concurrently.
Then you don't use big .
words that you don't
know the meaning of
yourself.
R: How do you know I
don't know?
Have you noticed how
often the word "you"
has come up in this
interview so far?
You started it.
Isn't this interview just
a weak excuse to force
your megalomaniac
over-self-important ~elf
onto the freshmen and
other unsuspecting
members of the Rhodes
community?
Actually, I was.going to
ask you the same
question. Incidentally
the Wool Socks are '
l~oking for gig_ _ any
s of
kmd. So while we're on
the subject, if anyone in.
your imaginary
.
audience has a' need for W"i -.
an over-talented, underworked double "
barbershop quartet,
they can send DECMail
to GOHSR. , ,;
The Rat's Ass does not
participate in· such
blatant displays of selfpro~~tion ~q free 2;:3· ::..gfift:ibtftV~
publicity.
COSMO TRON .. . 0
Your idealism would be .
~--~
admirable except that I r-~.
happen to know that
J;,r
you don't have anything ~. 7'
else to print this week. :':.i '
How do you know that? '.!"'
t :·
'
-
C~OS~l':IG i~ one ta~t~cal military_situation ~nto whi~h_an
·g;.• •k·
-.m~~~r ~-.;.
....
~r
~ACID
YOUNG ~~~~hi~~PERSONf~ ELECTRODE
Christina Huntington
0~~#
1)~.,..u.
Last Saturday morning, a strange thing
riappened. At about 1 I :20 that
morning, m toes slithered from under
v
.....-=,...... the covers to make their f1 rst contact
~-111 of the day with the little piece of
carpet by m bed. I was immediately
y
alarmed bv the sharp crunch I felt.
which brought to mind tt1e
haH-squished roach I had seen on tne
bathroom tile the night before. When I
drew m foot back , however. I didn't
v
ifind a six- legged v1sitor , but a small
\greenish fragment of something,
mavbe a shell. I kicked it out of the
way, figuring it was easier to let it.
bioCJegrade in some corner than to
actually pick it up When I walked
over to my sink , I pinched my fool
again , and this time bothered to study
what this annaying little thing was. It
turned out to be a piece of acorn. Later
I found another fragment lodaed in the
inch-thick sole of mv shoe like the last
kid hiding in a game of hide and seek. 1
Just left it there.
Three years ago, during my first
semester at Rhodes, I spent about 45
minutes of one wonderfully chilly dav
sitting outside with too little clothing
on. I was waitng for a friend with
whom I have long since lost contact.
but at the time we were close and he
was rn town. We had set a time for him
lto pick me up, but he was chronically
late, and even though I knew this. I
kept expecting him to drive up the next
minute. so I stood outside Bellinorath
in mv skirt and t-shirt inst~ of
running inside for a jacket. It would
only be a few more minutes, I kept
telling myself as my fingernails grew
steadily bluer. If I went back to m
y
room for even a minute, my friend
might drive up and, not seeing me
there, think he was in the wrong place
and leave. Besides, it was startino to
feel good out there. Something about.
that kind of cold can clear the mind,
m
ake you especially aware of
·38nsations, make you realize that you
are, in fact , alive. The air had that
fresh smell you notice in the fall , but
of radioact_ve onlv when vou first wal ~ outsidP """rl
i
would be dropped intcf the river, throwing out rolling mists
enemy cou_d spray which would destroY'·irtually all life within the mile circle sh own above.
l
!\o wonder th e;;e weddings are
more of a fa rce t han a reality and
n ever last.
Your picture of Janet Leigh and
Jerry Lewis is the mo;;t horrible, vulgar picture I h ave eYer seen in any
111agazine.
Least Favorite Pupil
rr s,..,,...,,ll)
it m
ade the shadows sharoer and
deeper. I think the thrnQ I noticed m
ost
that dav was that each time the wind
blew , it wouM ram dull orown acorns
They crackled against the pavement,
pricking m ears with their sound and
y
sometimes knocking agamst my head on
the wav down. It was as if it were
sleetina. I told m friend about it
v
when h-e finally got there. and he said
that the sairrels had probably been
throwing acorns at me. I thought he
was a little paranoid.
That little acorn fragm in my shoe
ent
told me som
ething. A week I've been
ll
noticing that they've started falling
aoain. I went home toc:tav , and when I
walked up m driveway' they were
y
crunching underfoot. The birds aren't
smging at night anymore. Pretty soon
the beetles will be crawling in to die.
Last vear , the Voorhies stairwell was
littered with little half-alive beetles.
They would crawl around for a little
while then just give up and sit there,
even if you poked at them. I eventually
gave up trying to make them keep
moving. It was fall, their time to die
So, what is my point in talking about
all of this? I guess it has som
ething to
do with the idea that som
etimes, small
things speak with more authourity
than one would expect. E though the
ven
heat is still beating the hell out of me
these days, I'm looking for those little
details that hold the promise of fall .
Looking out over the playground,
she thinks, He's been a bad boy again.
one cup flour
I w
as so cl ose .
two eggs
He deserves to be punished, again .
one cup mil k
So close.
one tsp. vanilla extract
Your cover of Janet Leigh is utterI should call his father.
ly disgusting.
one cup sugar
She might call Dad .
a pinch of sal t
But his father is never home .
preheat oven 350 °
But Dad is never heme.
..
_..
\,
FANTASTIC WEAPONS
StaffB~
D. Ghosh
R. Gohlke
J. Oliphant
C. Huntington
M. Fox
J. Stovall
C. Schafer
My blo od pressu re hasn't returned
t n n;1nn;i\ ..: i11r1•
~('Pill~ J a ne1 LPi!!h's
Bengali Bruiser
Cogent Boy Wonder
Barney's Bane
Sangria Christy
Vulpine News Hound
Muscular Dystopia
Sans Cerebrum
W
aterproof Plug
Automotive Plug
�Movie Review
A couple of weeks ago i went to see a
:1ellow drama at the orpheum. It was
hat movie, umm, easy rider, and i
bsolutely hated it. It was funny,
nough. I liked natural born killers.
Restaurants of Midtown
I had better not name this restaurant
•
ecause i fear lawsuits like the plague.
\nyway, it is in midtown, i was there
he other day, and i saw a roach. It was
·ery very disgusting. I will say,
hough, that the food was good. Quite
ood.
Memphis Night Life
Pool is fun and there are some good
estaurants. Reading is fun but you can
o that in any town or city. Or rural
rea.
The People
It's like anywhere, i guess; some
oeople are nice, some are pretty mean.
m pretty normal so i don't have to
lke a lot of sh-t.
Other Things
I for one am having great difficulty
·ying to find good criteria that
istinguish art and science from each
ther. I feel that art probably means a
rocess we don't understand because it
; so complex or is obscured by blights
f ignorance in the fabric of our
:iphisticated but certainly not
ltimately sophisticated conceptual
:ameworks. So really I think that
oing art and doing science are the
ame except that in one case it's much
1ore obvious to us what we're doing. I
ould go on and on about this until i
1aybe made some sense but i won't.
Why
And i'll tell you why i won't. It's
ecause i'm apathetic and my powers of
oncentration are laughable. I'm
ctually laughing right now. And i
lame mtv for my laughter, even
Jough watching it never makes me
i ugh. I honestly don't mean to sound
itter. Probably just too much coffee.
:spresso, even. I'm always into the
1test fad.
Religion
I love to talk, read and think about
iat phenomenon people have· named
religion." Religious people can be so
1otivated! Much more so than you
nd/or i probably usually are.
>readfully horribly bad, though, can be
lJ
z
0
Vl
.....J
j)
Vl
~
~
religion for the sense of humor. I think:I
being cynical and probably also quite I-flippant is the true mark of a person
with a healthy(not as in "health" but as
in "definitely there in a menacingly
flourishing way") sense of humor.
Because and i know this is obvious
there are just so many more things and bigger, more important things that the cynical and flippant person is
having humor over.
Well
Well, i need to go. I enjoyed talking
to you.
_/\
lIST BI<:FOIU: l'LA Y BEGAN IN THE ANNllAL NATION
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�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 18, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 18, 1997. This issue of the Rat's Ass is the goodbye to seniors addition. On the front page Jhay Witherspoon says goodbye and how the "universe is as universe does." Stay Joviall gives us a list of Emotivity Nuggets. On the last page Chavez and Rebecca Anderson give us a recipe for Discursive Ontology.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Rebecca Anderson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2497c97d09ab1e8399bb65ede8fe59cf.pdf
ba69fe2bde600fe4d2d72e0a35441239
PDF Text
Text
I
I
'1
l
I
Growth
by Jay Withertunk
)
The man stood looking
down al his leg, grinning. One
hand poinled lo his knee, the
olher was held aloft and
waving. He was yelling.
He said, "Behold, you
people, the grealesl knee ever
lo have carried a man. Behold
il and weep al it's grandeur.
Laugh al the magnificence that
oozes from ils fibers. Know lhat
right now you are witnessing
lhe peak and goal of lime itself
as you behold lhe greatest kne~
in the universe!!!!!"
People walked by,
people with more sense than
lhis man, and pitied him. He
was held in a standing position
by a pair of crutches and the
gray wall behind him, because
one of his knees was swollen lo
the size of a small cantaloupe
wilh a malignant tumor. He
had never had such a massive
·lumor of lhe knee before. He
didn't know what lo do or how
lo read, and it seemed a waste
of time and energy to groan or
beg for change, so he decided
lhal his knee, by far lhe largest
knee he had ever seen, must also
be the greatest knee ever lo
exist. But you musl feel sorry for
lite man when you see him, and
smile at him and his knee, the
greatest 011 earth.
Journal of Polymorphous Perversity®
·
a humorous & satirical journal of Psychology
Volume V, iSSue 3
JAn. 24, 1997
�-- - -
I
WWWWWW ·
glucose
pyruvate
il
er reactions
1 or another
e
gy-releasing
.way
·-._
.\
. )
...
~ ADP_
GUANINE
(G)
,f
HC
"
OH
H
THYMINE
(T)
OH
CYTOSINE
(C)
H
The la4uer lopped table gleamed under unfirgiving llorescenl lights. My boss tapped one
black kidskin covered finger like a ruthless metronome.
"Defcnistration is nol an option."
I looked across the flawless shiny rectangle from my leather chair. I lit a cigarette and
slowly inhaled before I spoke lo the hunched figure across from us.
"The neuro-pallern reading gave us some very interesting information, Mr, Superchunk."
My voice was Hal and even except for the emphasis I placed on the name. I held my level
gaze al the now twitching man.
"Yes. We do know. The DNA samples have proven my original hypothesis. You see,
Mr. Superchunk, we'vcw been on lo you from Leh slarl. And I must tell you that your elimination.
is something I have l<x>ked forward lo for quite some lime now. "
The gangly man's etherealy pale skin glowed under the glaring lights. He shuddered as I
swung my patent leather txx)l off of the table and slowly rose from my chair. I strolled deliberately
toward him, pausing only lo slub oul my cigarelle i lhe cul-glass ashtray lo my right.
As I approached lhe not-long-for-this-world Mr. Superchunk, my boss flipped open her
cell phone. She spoke only lwo words in her crisp British accent before snapping the phone shul
with a dick that rang as distinctly as my boot ht.-els on lhe polished marble floor.
"CUC 148."
AL this signal , the lights faded lo a reddish-gold. I bent from the waist and stared directly
intol he scaled Mr. Superchunk's eyes.
"I think it may be Li.me lo gel religion," I purred into his ear.
Electrified steel doors on either end of the room whirred into a low hum.
"Any lasl requests, Mr. Superchunk?" I demanded ironicaly as I leaned in closer. His nose
was pamllel to my cleavage.
I noticed beads of sweat roll like tumbleweed from his temples.
''No.,,
He spat oul lhe words, trying to meet my eyes, but his line of vision was fixed on the
space between my breasts.
With a heaving breath, Mr. Superchunk tried to explode from his chair and burst lolhe.
door, I grabbed his left cltx)\v and with a flick of the wrist, snapped his arm in half. My tx)ss
sneered from across teh room as she slowly stroked the Doberman al her knee.
Mr. Supcrchunk crumbled lo the floor as I dipped chrome cuffs lo his wrists and ankles.
This was almost loo easy Lo be fun. My boss pressed a glowing bullon on the arm of her chair. I
grabbed Mr. Superchunk by the neck and shoved him backwards against the wall. The chrome
cuffs fil into eleclrornagnelic dips and he was stuck like a fly, whimpering and sweating.
My boss grinned as she punched a second bullon on the arm of her chair.
Mr. Superchunk's body stiffened as the green lights stabbed him. He vaporized.
.
a
2 ATP invested
~ glucose-6-ptiosphate
,
~
Mr. Superchunk Meets His Final End
by: ruh-bck-uh an<l-cnr-sun
STEPS OF GLYCOLYSIS:
of
the
Giycolys is starts with ,
mvestmenr of two ATP: Fir
action promotes the trans!
phosphate group from ATI
which has ;i h"~ '- "- 1 of .
e
;fer, t
lightil,
m e ta p hysical
Q -t i p
fructose-6-phosphate
~~ ADP
~
fructose-1,6-bisphosphate
Do you ever wonder where the
earwax of the narrow spatiotemporal
nether-dimension
goes
after the
grounded- metaphysical
Q-tip provides it meaning though
use, namely, clearing the
convoluted pathways or our
auditory canals'!
If metaphor ts
the only true art, then the Q-tip
should ri val anything Keats so
boldly an d spontaneous! y creates.
The Q-tip shou ld set a standard for
modern thought insofar as it
should be applied to every
discipline's discourse in an etlon
to clear away the bullshit, you dig?
By the way, the earwax ? It goes to
that place or never-end ing
lubricati on--that mighty and
prophetic land of evaporated KY
and empty cans of metaphysical
WD-40 .
As for the human essence?
I can't say quite as much for it.
U nfortunatel y, it cannot make that
great Gig in the Shy so must settle
for
hope l e ss transmigration- - too
bad, the life of a Q-tip, AHH IF
ONLY !
omot·
• from
'eculE
:ose- ·
:e intc
oon b
i PGA
1ediatE
each F
lydrog
1 cor
lso
' (P;) pr
ates a r
we form
! from ;
as sub
rmatior
·estme
yme-m
two int1ydrog
1hic h C<
dig the dank,
C ha v e z _
)nergy-releasing
sm of all
Substrate-level
phosphorylation,
2 ATP produced
g The resulting intermediatE
molecules of 3- phosphoenolr:
or PEP) are rather unstable. E
gives up a phosphate group :
Once again. two ATP have io
substrate-level phosphorylat1c
h Thus the net energy yield f
glycolysis is two ATP for each
molecule entering the reaction·
end products of glycolysis are
molecules of pyruvate. each w1
three-carbon backbone.
Energy-Releasing Pathw
�......'l.•.
~
..· .
.~·
~ ~~·~.>."'.r•• \.
•
ammo acids « 71·,
~ •.'1
NH
.... •:.-:-
carbon
._b_a,_c_kb~o~ne_s_,
(
urea
..
i
r
i
I
I-
I
i
!
t
'
acetyl-CoA
1---------__,1
I.
from
The Strategic Etymology,
entry 7.03
by stay jovial!
C0 2
Emplicity is the underlying principle of
I
1•
the overarching locus of Metafrolic, and yet,
despite the increasing demand for extrinsic
omissionary refroth, it is still best understood
by assessing the surrounding branches of its
conceptbush. I here present a three-level
approach to beginning to grasp emplicity,
beginning with the relational quantalities of the
1 root "emp." I will then offer an explicative
non-recursive exploratory fruxit (elemental and
beyonding-inclusive), and conclude with
general prescriptions.
What branches stem from ''emp?"
Donner's Elusivity/Heteroxity Principle points
us first to empathy. Traced to the German
einfUhlung (..in-feeling"), which derives from
the Greek empatheia, empathy speaks of the
capacity to enter into emotional
harmony/understanding with an Other.
Employ means broadly "to use," and is
from the French employer. Emplicity is not
used, but in the best of circumstances one is
used by emplicity.
Empty is "with nothing in it,
unoccupied, or totally without." Empty must
be the vessel; blood flows though the vessels;
blood is the river of life; the river of life can
only be traversed with an empty vessel.
Empire and empirical also figure into
this analysis in the most obvious connection.
I
I
I
I
I
I
NADH
NAO
FADI
ELECTRON TR;
0
,___ _ 0 ..:...sP_H.:..::..:..R--Yt
P_H..:.
No~-recursive
fruxits are a hot topic in
S~rategy Cnt ~hese days. Whether you side
I/
with A~togemc Netherthugs in their posthumarust parametaphysicality, or with the
Ontogenic Conceptual Stuntmen with their
intransigent conviction in the antiloco, there is
no escaping the fact that antinomies inevitably
undermme the current cyptozoologist' s
plasticity. If one is willing to grant the obvious
to the unbegged in a world of nons and
growing froat, its not a far leap to
thund~~i~ing both beekeepers and proponents
of ant1truxit theory. This consideration when , ·
held against a background of Miles Davis' Blue / ::
·
.
in Green, ~d gr.asped on Darwinian grounds,
makes the msert1on of a f ruxi t unnecessary,
because you the reader are already thinking
about (ensnared by) the gist of fmxitivity.
. I .now conclude with general (emplicit)
prescnpt1ons.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Drink perverse amounts of water.
Laugh. It is your only salvation.
Devour each moment.
Embrace struggle, Jove pain.
Garlic: 3 cloves/day
Be autonomous.
Wonder, look, aspire.
gO.
:d
., .
e·
·1~
�You're The Deiusionai Festooned Matador
c:·
~
~- G
.... '
=·
You ~lart :,alivalin14 <rn<l move [(J the back of lhe room.
You wonJer where your will ran off Lu anJ ~uck un your canJy ri11t;,
loukin!:J fur an entrance into lhe cunver~atiun:, malleJ lo the wall~.
Every One is making love Lu the barlenJer who wears
an expression of unJistingui:,heJ linguistic exploilalion.
"I useJ to live ac..:ross the trac..:ks," you c..:arefully pretenJ, nol wanting
to seem needy. Every One ignores you bec..:ause
they Jon't want to hanJle a sucker-puncheJ maverick.
Your make-up c..:an't hi<le a black eye, much Jess
the fear of fool hardy emasculation.
!><!
Pl
OK, Every Thing's gonna be alright, you breathe in anJ off.
In. Off. In. Off. In. Off. Drag that cigarette. In. Off. Off.
Hi
ii"
~
r-·
::i
0
H
Hi
;)
ri
ro
r-·
10
::i
:1
0
"Once I consumed an entire cherry pie through my nose."
<<Great,>> Some One mumbles. <<tv1aybe you can straighten
out an indefatigable argument This One and I are having.
It appears to me that LIFE lyou're deaf after this wordl is much
more attainable once you commit to stop living. This One
disagrees on the .grounds that LIFE is a meaningless term.>>
Oh _shit. You were afrai<l this would happen. You need some more
absmthe and a monastery to figure out what the words swilling
through your head MEAN.
H
H
·;n
(JJ
You dive
':J
0
;:J
0..
iD
;::l
;t
"L_ife i~ simply the opposite of File," you toss out, shoulders
coiled 1~ preparation for apocalyptic retribution,
~one~ ~n y~ur po':1<et whistling Auld Lang Syne
m antlClpahon of impending perturbation.
t-'·
;::l
::r
~rn
'Ji
"
'°"1
;D
:--t·
" -
<<Would y~u like one of us to go down on you?>> Some One
SCREAMS m a movement of ingratiation. That One
looks defeated and swollen.
Isn't that your therapist on the other side of the room;,
�
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Rat's Ass, January 24, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 03
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 24, 1997. The front of this issue has a story written by Jhay Witherspoon called "Growth." Chavez has an article on the "Creation of the metaphysical Q-tip." Stay Joviall gives us the "Strategic Etymology, entry 7.03." On the last page Ross Gohlke tells us why "Life is simply the opposite of File."
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Jhay Witherspoon, Chavez, Stay Joviall, Ross Gohlke
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cee89262d18ae5ec5bf18f10d9c457d8.pdf
5b89d9ce40249f8dfb9569d6fbffbaaf
PDF Text
Text
-
---- - -
---- - -
"armng: TtlIS PUl:lLICATIUN IS 1-'RINTEIJ
V1'H-'Af'bR Ull'l-'l:\U IN A S 'i NI Hl:\HC-U7\:sJ:OU
PROTEIN A.NALOG THAT WHEN EXPC1SfiD TO
SKIN CAUSES SIMULTANEOUS COMBUSTION
!JI; ALL l'IJCKlff UN 1 AND l\IUSI:'. llAIR
'
WITHIN A FJVE MILE RADH'S
~
A Memo
VOLUME V
ISSUE 2
08 NOVEMBER l 996
To: Rat's Asi.® Readers
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
>HOW ID BE POPULAR!
>WHAT ANDROIDS REALLYTI-llNK!
>WINTER HYBRID RECIPES!
>GAMES FOR TI-IE KIDS!
>TI-IE MEANING OF MEANING!
AND SO MUCH MORE!!!
From: Jay Witherfunk
Re: Real World Penetration
Welp, it seems I'm a senior. And it seems that I'm about to
have to enter the "real world." I get letters in my mailbox every day
about grad school, potential careers, and flyers for seminars on how to
get the right message across while being interviewed (these seminars,
by the way, say things like, 'make sure you don't blow ass during your
interview, or at least no stinky ones') by future bosses, pimps, etc.
Frankly, it makes me sick.
"But Jay," you say, "however in the world can you make a
living without knowing things like the in's and out's of a business
office?" Arid my response is, "Why don't you fax me a blowjob?" Let
this memo be my official declaration of the fact that capitalism,
industry, McDonald's®, little damn symbols like® and™, and every
other effect of the agricultural revolution can kiss my enlightened ass.
I'd rather just LIVE than have to "MAKE a living." Maybe
I'm {.ynical and maybe I'm pessimistic about the way humans have
turned out, but there has to be something wrong with a world where
most people have to drink/ smoke/ poke themselves into a stupor just to
escape the fact that we live on an existential assembly belt with
David Hasselhoff and Mtv handing us our slop plates at the end of
the day (I'm surprised I'm not stinky-ripped at this moment).
"But Jay," you say, "I'm not like that, and you're not like that.
Why not see the good in society and praise its accomplishments?" And
my response is, "Yeah, you're right. We can hurl ourselves at insane
rates from one place to the next in search of the perfect all-beef patty.
We can blow shit up. We can get any kind of pornography we desire
off the Internet!! Hell, I'm surprised I'm not looking at a picture of
three nude women and a great dane right now!!!"
No really, there is lots of good stuff that we can do, but the
problem is that most people can see so much of the good, the fun, and
the diverting that they have trouble seeing how shallow most of our
lives have become. Su please just know that on the lip of your descent
into the quagmire, things are nut as they should be. Although it feels
good tu make lots of money and live like the gods, we still fart and die
like the animals we eat, so don't be fouled by the grandeur. There's
more to be had.
�Daily Meditations of a lost and delusional soul
(To be read in monotone thought patterns?)
By Scatty Dreadlock
It's a fine pistol: Sam had this
Cybergencticisl friend of his at Berkley
build it for him ... it's solar powered a~d
has a four inch barrel. You shoot
somebody with it and their limbic svstem
freaks out. resonates gnarly-groovcfrequencies through every cell in their
body. The person shot usually erupts into
an explosion of hepdancc gitdown, finds
their whole subsequent existence
dominated by rhythm, and has a ti"\ed
Passenger or Pilot
by stay jovlall
We are sitting on the roof of
Mitchell's cottage, smveying the surf as it
rolls in and does its thing, over and over
again. I am absorbed in the setting sun,
half-listening to Sam's nutty nihilistic
epistemolog1cal preoccupations. He is
cleaning his Phunkgun as he rambles.
I yawn, studying Lhe clouds. Sam
leans in close, hright teeth behind full
plum-colored lips whisper "Don't you get
it, man? Everything, all that is, is
arbitrarily so. In.finite arc the possiblities
of what could be, but we never really act
on the fact: all the movements which
transpire through us are in our
consciousness as what is. Because we are
locked in our given (not chosen)
interpretive framework, we can't fathom
what those other possibilities are ... because
the ,.-ery materials of which those
possibilites are comprised lie beyond us."
I yawn. "That's defeatist and
unnecessarily cynical. And who cares,
~myway? We aU stilt have to have jobs
and pay taxes and bills." My dismissive
half-rcponse doesn't deter Sam, who is
now running a co-calibrating reciprocity
rod in and out of the barrel of the
Phunk un.
odor of super-dank herb continuallv
waiting from their eyeballs.
Sam pulls the rod oul of the balTel
and twirls it in his fingers. "Why does
everyone seem to believe they are free,
acting on the basis of rational dcliheration,
choosing their course in life?" His tone is
ponderous, full of genuine wonder. ··1
mean, where do people get this idea that
because \-Ve have consciousness and
culture, that because we're the smartest
animals on the block, we arc ontologically
unique and distinct from all the other
organi~ms on this planet. Humans are
animals, for chrissake ... what is the basis
for the ubiquitous misconception that
while other animals' actions are
determined and logrithtnically predictable,
we ourselves are free, uncontrolled by
genetic disposition and environmental
conditioning?"
"Probably our need for selfrespect, our inescapable anthropomorphic
drive. It's also tangled up in centuries of
moral rhetoric which has to presuppose
human freedom. I don't know Sam...
people are frightened of the idea that they
may just be machines, that their
consciousness is .a passenger and not a
pilot, that their sense of self is some kind
of illusmy construct tacked onto these big
convoluted chunks of grey matter as a
helpful afterthought."
Sam shrugs. "Aw, hell ... does it
matter? Let's go swim.ming."
i am a creature
i am a happy creature
i beat myself over the noggin because· i
find it pleasure inducing
the instrument i use to beat myself with
is a blender
when the blender is plugged in it goes
t
"w hrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
i like my blender
my head often becomes soar
sometimes it even bleeds
mother cries when it bleeds
i tell her: "don't worry mother"
i think: "shut the fuck up bitch"
i want to beat my mother over the
noggin with my blender
that way she would understand
when my head hurts i eat pills
pills make me feel good
i like feeling good
4
six months later
my mother died
she died of serious head wounds
before she croaked, i fed her some pills
because her head hurt
she died smiling
Ross G.--Memphis Mook
Chavez--Silver Haze
Kieenith Spanky--Jack Herer
~ay Wit~erfunckengrooven---G-13- Government Issue
. . tay JoviaJ--Alaskan Thunderfuck
Suzy--Shiva Skunk
Matty Scatty Dreadlock.--Purple Kush
Matt Gore--Schwiggity Schwagg
�You Make Me Sntoke
by ross gohlke
Don;t take this personally
but your life looks exactly
like a color-by-numbers
nightmare
with crayons outside the lines
and you don't understand why
I chose drugs over Jesus
because you're already dead.
Life smells like motor oil.
You act like you've forgotten
how to smell
the dirty things in your midst.
Somehow you've learned to
look through the unpleasantries
sautered to homesteading and
Jove.
I cherish chicken fried steak
more than my salvation
and every day of my life
wears its own crown now.
For all their ignorance
druggies have acute values
r
descending from the Christ of the
Cross
after he ascended from the
bowels of democracy.
You should be drooling with
envy
because the Labor of History is
serious
and morals are not.
The difference between us boils
down to this:
1 don't expect to convince you.
The Art of Letting Go does not
interfere
with the Art of Belief.
You're hung on the Concept of
• Principle
d bv the odd· of
and overwheb:ne '
addiction.
you look clean m is full of junk·
but your bedroo
I believe
{
every }ustiftcation o
righteousnes; a scheme of
is an excuse or
prosperity
without weal~Alcoholic Myth is
The Protestan
alive
b" doing drugs
and undone ' .
among other things.
the hard stuff when I'm
I smok e
sore
from losing.
mark.
It hurts to make a
Crack Will Have Your Nose
By Kleenith Spanky
~
ra
"Whazuup Will?"
"Nothin' much fellas, just passed by to do some
chill in'."
"Yea, its good to see ya man. Who is your friend
here?"
"Oh, hey guys this is Jim. I thought I would bring
him over to hang out for a while."
Will is an interesting character and everyone is
at least tolerant of him. The only drawback to
having him around is his obnoxious tendency to
bring over these chump friends of his who
couldn't distinguish jinky crust rim from low
grade shi t if their life depended on it. Will
knew why we would gather together in the
evenings but it didn't stop him from bringing his
loser friends around.
"A-ite, you fellas ready to set aside the bullshit
and get down to business?"
Chabloober (this is just what everyone liked to
call him) immediately piped up, "I'm all about
sniffin some good rim." This was the moment
Charlie was eagerly awaiting.
"Hey Chabloober, I got some shit back here that
will tum your nibbles green."
Charlie then said with pride, "I haven' t wiped
in two weeks and have s tuck to a strict diet of
roughage and espresso the whole time."
"Let us.get to it my friend." said Chabloober with
anticipation.
a....., .... - ... ,
'
-
'~ n
' ,,
,
-..-
-
-
-
agreed lo try it.
.
. . .
''Thal a boy. Once you get a whiff of ll~1s shit
~6-~ you'll never turn back." claimed Charlie rather
proudly.
. , .
..,,_,.,._v~ Jim bashfully placed his nose near Charlie s nm
and began to take a small whiff. All of a sudden
Charlie' s cheeks surrounded Jim's nose and wilh
one swift movement snapped it right of his face.
Blood poured from Jim's face as he screamed and
1 tried to pull his nose off of Charlie's crusty rim.
'\
~~- ~~
-~Fi
--"" '------
~i mt ,. ,., ,.,. . ~
"""'J 'rlql;:.k••1.,1 .~
"l!J. ---~... 6rll\
/, ,:-\
i iie Kat s Ass\!Y 1s somethrng 1r1exphcable and
ir1sta1itar1eous. Aberrations from the r1onnahve system ol
thought are the soui responsibility ol each article 's
respective author/progenitor/master/lovertbarber. if you
have a problem or a beef or a metaphysical query in regard
to an article, please eat enough beans to project yourself
into outer space and then contact the said author/etc.
Have a ocldamn bitchin da .
Charlie proceeded lo drop his pants, bend over
and spread his cheeks. Chabloober lodged his
It nose in the proper area and took such a big whiff
I. that he burst a blood vessel in his forehead. He
then sat back content as he could be.
"Man, l forgot what I had been missing. Its been a
while since I've hit some rim like that." Since
@., most of us have a job or go lo school its hard to get
the real potent buildup. The smell usually gives
one away.
1
"Hey Jim, come over and try this shit. You are in
luck, we haven't had anything like this around
' in a while."
Jim responded rather timidly, "You aren't serious
are you?"
~ The tone in lhe room immediately changed as
"-., everyone began harassing Jim for his inability lo
hang with the group.
"What's the matter Jim? You afraid?"
"No man, I just don't feel the need to."
Everyone continuously harassed Jim until he
'/,_,
{
I
-s
;;&~ \:~'~,,_,~ji?&W
dJiflR.•••-~-----"------.J
8.-;-;::-;:-£ • ••• ;:-••
�vicious cycle
by
not quite you
hollow and pure
murky so clear
tremors awaken
dead no sleep
mudslide
eyes quiver
masks & prisms
nonchalant so surreal
razor smoothness
leaves airborne
corpses no feathers
nucleus
frozen blanket
birds need
no downy softness
noise black smoke
warmth aborted
hollow womb
Gross Misinterpretation of existentialism
b~
lt'tAVEr=__
Today belongs to only you. Tomorrow never exists. Yesterday is but a dream. Why
does Reality seems to lose a grip on itself? What is there to hold on to? What
should we believe to be real? These are but musings in the greater realm of seeing.
Shall we all remain in light, or succumb to the nasty misfortunes of being unto
death. There is no reason for pessimism in a world which allows for orgasm, extacy,
and pure consciousness. Go forward without looking back on that which cannot be
changed. Continue with that which benfits all mankind. Remove superficiality
and restraints in order to pruify one's Being. Don't let the choas cause pain-overcome, surpass, and believe in that which you value most. Rely on your wits,
Puff the Dank, control your mind.
Exitentialism can be liberating once you realize your pface in the cosmic
order--don't become bitter. Become Free.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 8, 1996. The front page of The Rat's Ass Issue features a memo by Jhay Witherspoon which talks about how he's a senior now about to enter the real world. Stay Joviall asks the question "are we the pilot or the passenger in our lives?" Scatty Dreadlock goes for a meditation. Ross Gohlke tells us the truth of why he is no longer a religious man. Kleenith Spanky tells the story "Crack Will Have Your Nose." On the last page Chavez tells us how today is the only thing that exists while the future never exists and yesterday is but a dream.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Scatty Dreadlock, Ross Gohlke, Spanky Kleenith, Chavez, Matt Gore
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8f88801052032e4de3ce2c20a0834fb0.pdf
6df61a952a4780e852fe81d8746a01e3
PDF Text
Text
I I
I
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-
1-I
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:
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'-
-
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\
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\an
l\lly l:la\kU
Cephalization
lnside -your mind \urks
lhc \abyrinlh coral caves
eX\)\ore the dcvine
·1> )1 •' ~~ raph ic ;1I
1
/II)
·
.tvlany schismatic
seizures and a juicy pile
..........._~ ol shcnarnµ..11 1..
:
.
up 111 hv reci pe
how mcm1 vc ni cn f
�Can't Get No 'Trane:
~
t.~;~ ...~
~~
..
' 'I
.
~-
Staph Bachs
Stay Joviall
Super-retro-d'ir
Xaft Minor
David Sears
Styx
Jay Witherfunk
"I
didn't
by
Jay
come
A Moment in the Life.
Li Po
no
monkey I "
Witherfunk
do·:
.. :
{
~ So~'ione
once said that _
the world
~J.11 al~Ji.¥~: have more dumb ~Jople~ t.han
"'Bmart,,~~P.,~~, but I say that the smart
peop~')tf~l eventually fig4re o~~ a . ~ay to
mak~~~~k dumb people's ignorance .
irrelevant.
So you, and you know who you are,
didn't come from a monkey. That's fine
and good. So the world is only ten
thousand yfi!a,~\l\~t9'l.d. ~ Whatever you say.
Scientis\~are bias~d because if the good
people o~ the world ·~new that the history
of the earth was incapsulated in one book
(THE Book)/·~h~f.1 .they [the sci entists]
would go out of business. You know, 't" , ..
that's quite insightful.
I believe you .
I am not mocking
you.
I am ser ious. But could you .,
·"please
just step into this box her e? It na~ been
engineered by scientist s who are
' -.,..:
completely un~u:r;-e . Qf, ¥hat the hell they
are doing. ¥Aft(~.~iitf.I· to put you in it and
shoot you into space, · ~~t you will
probably be all . .r.~~N: ~ ,Qecause you will
eventually hit £he e~ge of t he universe
where God will catch ' you in a big, wellwor n baseball mi tt. Whoosh. I aill not
mocking you.
I
. " --
u~-
I
.
Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next
day, someone wi ll show you, p e r haps
someday you'll see with cleaner eyes .
~~
//(/
..."\QT
"Couldn't believe that shit! All those energy
locusts and perp fiends, man..... kk-razy."
Pepe pushed the wire brush in and out of the
barrel of his revolver with contemplative playfulness,
his mouth bunched up to one comer, his eyes
squinty. I lighted a cigarette and studied him
as he cleaned his gun. His tie was loose, twisted
slightly to one side. His dredlocks were pulled
back in a tight pony-tail.
I yawned, took a drag. "The frequencies
were all wrong. If those retro-matrices hadn't
opened on the slipback we could've gotten
: an anti-matter fix and regulated the relocation units."
I finger the remote control for a moment. Miles
was homing the first few bars of hotel from that
French film's soundtrack, so I turned it up.
Pepe shook his head violently. "Fuck that
shit! Naw! Fuck it! rm sick and tired of pulling for
the slack of all them clean-genes. Fuck them!" He
. jerked his wrist and the cylinder hopped into place.
He spun it and pointed at an imaginary target in
,, the distance. "P-kow. Dead."
Those to whom I am directing this
article wilk~·prol-.u~bly not read it. Even
i f they
they 'wlil not be easily
· s\'f~Ye~ • .
..
.
·(·1·.i~'\Ai
.
by stay joviall
Allen Ginsburg
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
e.e. cummings
Edgar Allen Poe
Langston Hughes
from
\
e
't;:;~ ~
-
','' 7
~{ -,
~
'"
I shrugged and changed the topic. "Sensei
~
told me at last Tuesday's Groovitation that
McAlester is getting in two shipments next
Thursday. Bill told me--"
Pepe stood up and cut me off. "Yeh. Coo.
Has Susan given you those C'rravity Innublation seeds?"
He tossed the revolver on the love..seat. '.'That chick
been puttin me off for weeks. ({~ don't get the
seeds soon, we won't be able to harvest in time for
the Holocaust Jam this summer!" He walked to the
window and peeped out the blinds.
I snuffed out my cigarette and shrugged. "Dan
said we couldn't do it anyway. The pH of the Temporal
Agitaion Growing medium we've got just won't cut it."
I rubbed my beard and laughed. "That's okay though ...
I saw this cat last spring give a lecture on this crazy
shit called sideshadowing. It makes a lot more sense now. 11
Pepe turned, and a smile like Voodoo bile crept
up on his lean blackb~autiful face. "Don't tell Jennifer. 11
�The Rat's Ass is yo' mama N
.
Hello. I know your ev
. on-recursive dualities re ur .
.
complaints about come;k~~ve. The Rat's Ass does n~ a~rt~te _rn a '90s sort of way
Ass production. All opinio s. Co~plaints generally distur:t~crate ~x~essive leaka~e, or
ns are mine, and not your's. Avoid t~ equlrbnum nessecary for Fi
e gray material.
Neo-Gcntific Outervicw #495
Sub-species Dogmatogram, Ty1»e A
,. Slarting Point: The leashes of Hies uneatth tinlinabulalory
moking pints. Have you seen the off switch for the
Lntropy Generation Proto-vims?
#number: Target leavetaking towards wastrel-bingo. Hugenols reify ether.
Lax forlilulc forms fumigation. Let's get out of time.
Below the waste products of retro-inductrializ.ation leave hints of proto-retro-anti
legality. Maybe we should eat psychotropics to help the situation. Good-bye to the days
of dream-reality, hello relativity.
Relative to wastrel-bingo hut hinging on psychotropic perspectivism.
Findings: Availability aids in production
2
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 24
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 12, 1996. This issue of the Rat's Ass has a Haiku about our minds. Jhay Witherspoon writes an article about how he didn't come from a monkey, and yes he's completely serious! Stay Joviall follows up with a moment in his life. On the last page is a study on Sub-species Dogmatogram, Type A.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, David Sears, Xaft Minor, Styx
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/e444373d8f2f1f9f6c14b5ea81a36df1.pdf
bfda51882c32571f921abe3b25dd55ef
PDF Text
Text
Builder's
Song
Jay
I build things.
I'm a builder. My
hands are small and my face is slightly
tilted to one side, buL I have made objects
that are more beautiful than the scralch of
screaming itch.
I build.
I'm a builder. My mother
told me that my father left us because I was
too hard to care for as a baby.
I was a
sick, ugly baby.
But I built a shiny slar lhal wiggled
its way across the sky and whispered lo all
the animals and lold them why.
I was always picked lasl for kickball.
I have a club foot that smells bad most of
the time. Bul I built an inslrumenL Lhal
sings true songs and weeps Lears like senile
grandmothers .
. confused.
I build.
I have a speech
me spit when I Lalk.
when you look al me.
that goes through Lhe
minds.
impedimenl thaL makes
I look al lhe ground
But I buill a Lunnel
deep blue middle of our
My vision is poor and doctors Lell me I
won't live too much longer.
But I built a cry for all Lhe world,
who knows what iL hasn't known yel.
I can't swim and I'm afraid of beinq
alone.
But I built a way back from lhe place
we've been lost.
�~
.
r
.
GUARANTEED NOT TO ROB
=fee/I! in my 6/ooJ
Meta-perspectivlty:
.
.
Watching You Watching Me Watching You
by stay 1ov1all
. "A common metaphor is that people .
read one another, for intent, meaning , for their
feelings ... hence people are texts
"I read much and often. I have seen that
reading,
here are many ways to rea<l: speed for
t
d.
reading for comprehension , rea mg
memorization There is also read;ng for fun ,
liesurely reading , that is, and reading of
necessity (like tax forms). It strikes me that t
eo le should be read in all of these ways a
~ne~irne or another, and that most often we
s/Jould read for comprehension.
LIFE is LIFE is eating is LIFE is DEATH is Life. If you can
"I have tried to read texts in different
es Sometimes I am successful,
I
anguag ·
·1 ·ty f one
usually by virtue of the simt an o
Oft
to another that I know better.
en,
l~ngu~g7 am simply unable to read foreign texts.
~ t~yu~o ~espect unreadability'. however, and tby
my guiding principle of chanty I always try ~h
assume that they are saying something wo
~em~m?er the principles once spoken by a wise man. life
is. Life is ea~ing life. is De~th. Is it that bad? 1 really don't
think so. Smee this fact 1 established I will write a short
s
peom celebrating the existence of being.
it comes, it goes, but beautiful are its flowers
its rythym
its pattern
its inter-relatedness
its sensual, its pleasureable, its high
Come with me into the abyss and realize your dream
It's all within you and around you
read\ng.
.
"There are many texts which I would .l ike to
.n wanted to for sometime, but which
read, hav1 g
wherewithal than I can rnuster on
warrant far more
demand."
The smooth deep purple ~rcu~ial
.
that had I had been hearing.in my
voice
ed and r realized
head suddenly stopp ' .
.
t .t
that I had half been listening o 1
and half listening to ~ou. Thus, I had
not really heard anything:
You were still ~alking. I
inspected the little J\.llTl?S ?f your d
oke and it seeme
eyebrows as youf0i1owlng some internal
like they wer~ od if all of everyone
~ythym. ~ ~nb~r:ome transcendental
is organiz ousand thousand varied .
pulse, a tdhb ts all co-calibrated into
tempos an ea .
d tuned
a unity of flowing ?o.
I lighted a cigarrette an .
'
talking about reading h
·
·
h'
in. You .were
little text, in w ic
this article, abl bbing about reading
the author was
a .
le like
this text about reading peop
C>
New Shape
life is like the wind
Thank you for your time,
God incarnate
texts, and understanding what they were
saying. Reading for canprehension.
I exhaled a large drag and
interrupted: "The thing about solipsism
is that it's lonely . "
You responded: ''Yeah. That's why
I think the Buddhist idea of
eliminating the ego is so groovy."
"But do you really think, ... I
mean, well, how cool could that be, to
totally lose your ego? How happening
could not-being really be?"
You slung your backpack over your
shoulder, and looking back as you
walked off said "I don't know, but
t he re's more t o being a human being
than just being an ego . "
STA PH BOX
jay witherfunk- joomblaw!
r'bekka anderson - booph!
xaft minor - ITRRAA WLL! ! ! !
stay jovial! - chhk-uuuooowuhgawah?!
you - yikes!!
·
chavy Block -god incarnalc (ZAP!)
.In l~c beginning l~e.re was The Rat's AssTM,
and 1l had X-ray vizwne. When lh
. .
'"'ame, The Ral ' s AssTM shipped animals
e rams
loo-by.- l~>, and lhal's why you are here
~J o~rn1~ns, o~l.looks, JYeltanschauun;en,
- l<.~ds expn~ssed herem are strictly those
~ the1r respechve authors, and are infallible
Bo not be confus.ed, or try lo consume, just.
REATHE. A void eye contact; in case of
emergency consult a doctor immediately.
I
c::i)
E
~
--• <:l)
�Bu.J"ing a Ne~
..
by stay joviall
-wa tc h
..
""·r·1mex ...
.
alarm .. .
indiglo .. .
What time is it? ...
eh - dig that one
Wi sh! could find mv watch ...
I'm probably !ate ... ·
b~t it's relative, anyway, eh?
T!mex ... hmmmm ....
Watching the time ..
indig!o?
What is time?
need an alarm on it...
time is just an invention
tO keep evervthino from ·h:mpPnino
•
J
o
... ·-r -·····
0
al! at once?
what time is it?
Moore: Time is having breakfast
before !unch.
relativity ... ""
Metaphysically snowb!ind
try!no " ' 0 - ...... .. ___ _ ... _.,
0 Ip opt tlw timP
:! !:trge jocular black woman
bun1 ps me
l'e:•!!!S like ::i •rn11flm,\1P r
!e;n!" in anci. ~,-,\·;~;)-;,~<:• -- r:- - • ~
.
" Hi:·~
"'
honev " ont th' timp')"
J
--· - · · · ·- o ~·
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, March 29, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 22
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from March 29, 1996. On the front page of this issue of the Rat's Ass has the words "Doesn't destroy" which is then followed by Jhay Winterspoons "Builder's Song." Stay Joviall is watching you watch him watch you. Stay Joviall has another article on the last page about buying a new watch.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Xaft Minor, Chavy Block, R'bekka Anderson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cdff95bd788106fc470c46fd95cfb41f.pdf
74ce6647810e2ebd91dc5e089cd60c34
PDF Text
Text
S
OoM r N ~ -,- x:
Pf;::C:C ~ L
~
p
I
s
0
0
0 '"''
E:
Whar-'s
your
excuse?
"My O\\ n, aii11otrt.>h it.-.; 11111nine ciui ci;
lcmporaiiiic..; 111 an updr;111 ol dJ<111111 ._. -. I''" " lic'l i
hcrc11 itl1 and hitlrcrlu. ,.
"Ant.I 11 hat's .1cit11· poini , \l ()rl-.111µ IHi1 :'
H.ampm1t hoilcniois lcu1 inf! <JJ1 il1L· llc'\i dr;1111
.Juggle me a rnc. ;siah, 11<111· 1 1 ;1 ·r"Fi .\ .ali1 e and cllc11c11sc1wc. "lr1111 ci1w cd
flowing cuuntc1 -pupp_ lorcst.1 · . .le" i;il
1
'
lorpcuoc.\ ol' d _ '-'lopiw1 ice crea111 d11 pp111e1.,. ·
'
1
"Cabbage me IH>I , .i<ll ior - 111<
'
111. \\-/r('11·" llw
bacon arril(.'. d1 T
"Fctidhorscl-11uis 11<11 <'ll ilrc µ 1ci1111 l111c
!hangs. Mobili/.c hardc11cd ci\irap 11;i1n111 e
cl i ppcrs. "
"Who' s count int! !he gi1 ens. M 1. l 'li11-.;i '.1 111111µ
reel uses or loriJ
siopra.\ 'l"
'
"You bore me. l nccc.J anc ii lier 1uli...
'Tic a/really applied lor ilH· pc;..,,,,<1n .·
"You m;11· list Ill<.' <1-; a rclcrcncc ...
"But I am )Our c111plo~cr. '·
ch
"Oh.''
"Don' l mcnlio11 i l. .,
"Form s i m pl) is."
" I kno\\'"
"No, bu! l'll lcl )Ou co11ii!llH' lo tlrinl-. i/Ju1
'
II
OD
�Garlic Is Good.
The Rat .' s Ass™ is a trump thumpin
bump grumpin mid-evil somethin fierce
comin down your chimney with a
smile and a groove; all opinions
expressed all solely their author's
and aL·e not affiliated with Rhodes 0 •
Have a day. It's all yours.
A Dialogue.
By Jay Witherfunkengruven
Say Yes
ii 1 L 1tu
e
di
1cl riff18S ot
living maniac. Beat rne.
<-1
( .i 111:,,i illt1 i1vi11g ant1-Gocl.
It really does exist-I swear
it
.I
i i 11 l10~ pnninq to l t:el a bit antsy about the recent death
d0vt: lof.)1 i-1ent.
Wiiai should I do " I believe feeling-a-groove is what is
i1 ·1 orde( i he rJeatli development is only a secondary
l: onnection vvilh tht: beyond--Not important--Mortal
i1u111qs'i Ci10atic unn-1oralistic universe? Could it really
bt-1'? A1 8 we really iliat vulnerable? Fuck Yeah... Feel the
y1uuvt: ---lls all there , everytl1ing you ever desired.
·.
-!:!
;:s
~
':!
"'
2
........
-s::
,.,
, '
i lie previous was all part of one section of existence.
I hurtl 's n1orn 10 be had . More to feel·-· There is just
more l1emq to l)e done-- That 's All. Just being. That is
all Iiial 1s Hnporiant. Be Be Be Be !
BE~
• t. 1
i-'1
!
1
I \'
-~
2
~
Now shake that thang.
'
'
•
"Okay.
You asked for it.
On the way down
here, I walked backwards so that I could see
where, just a few seconds before, I thought I was
going to be."
"You must quit saying things like that, or
your life will get strange.
Plus, I'll take away
your festive beer huggie and start callin g you
'spooge muffin. '"
"That's not fair. You look much more like a
spooge muffin than I do, and my beer huggie i s not
only 'festive,' but downright ROWDY . . . sucka."
"Hm. Your hair is on fir e."
"Hey!
Whoa! !
How'd you do that?
Hair on
fire sucks."
"I'm a: creature from a higher plane posing
as a human.
I possess abilities to distort,
create, manipulate, and pulverize any bit of that
tiny portion of the uni verse you call 'rea lity'
with the merest evil thought inflection.
That
makes you my bitch."
"I saw you put that lighter back in your
pocket, ass-hole. You're nothing but a big stinky
weener-ma . . . WHOA!! I feel different . . . You
changed me into a Buddhist monk!
Ah, the h armony
of it all!
Hold on.
You can't just show me the
way like that I
Part of the destination is the
journey itself .
. What the hell am I saying?
I'm a presbyterian!!
Would you please just leave
me alone, crazy dialogue partner?"
"Not quite yet."
"AH ! AH ! AH !
Oh, dear heavens and hot-dog
buns!!
Did YOU just make my penis twelve feet
long and extend my colon twelve feet beyond the
lip of my sphincter?
This is all getting r eally
weird."
"NOW you are equipped for LOVIN FROM AN
ALIEN.
Stand on your head.
The blood that will
rush to your head provides good lubrication. "
"No, man, I quit.
This shit has gotten too
weird.
Really, man.
No, don't DO that.
Wait,
a re you humming the theme song to MacGyver? What
the hell! ! !
It's too weird.
Where's my swiss
army
knife?
IT'S
TOO
DAMN
WEIRD!!!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
�J. VPhosphatidylserine
~
() \\
\~ ~J_
.
Hard Knocks
0
.,,0 ·
End
hy
stay j1niall
Can:cnirig
headlong,
al/ of.c very lhino
cI
S_l<X >iJ ng bencathe me
like fdm on a pn~cclor
out ol control.
I ain
hurtling through space,
\\'here
nothing is,
I am flowing,
gro\\'i no
.
b'
going
going
and ha Its/ am
slopping i_ lo a dreamed trance
n
01 hypnol!c wakefulness,
a snull ed candle
and nuclear \veapon explodin
each second passing.
g
Pause.
Inhale.
Begin .
.J
PAGE
~
~
E
nergy F
rom
TheFar&st
·············································
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 16, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 20
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 16, 1996. This issue of The Rat's Ass is called the "Special Domination Episode." On the front page Xaft Minor gives us not a dialogue scene, but something close to it. Jhay Witherspoon gives an actual dialogue. On the last page Stay Joviall how the end may begin.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Xaft Minor, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/c593064b70066de23930722b9eb6bcde.pdf
780bf26b85c9e43b1e1ca9fe7da9f856
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Reality Ill: Narrative of a narrative narratology Jl'/uinstrudil'll
building. Iola Jessop ragtime escalates. l3ou11ting values, lwisb
and darkness. Pushing inlo. Trcadc. Streams of lrcack.
Reality #2: I'm nol quite sure what is going on, bul there is this
gooey bump on my nose.
(enter 111idu.1ives in Lradiliunal 'l'aliilia11 reasanl gar fl, wlw Ul~I
rose petals 011 tile page and stage, and walk in ullt' a11ul/1e1 's url1il
like a sidaeal square da11ce)
Minorcalily II l.3: Whal lhe fm:k? I thought this wus the WVl'r
article. Say, who's writing this? Anu who arc you, anyway?
Surculily #1.4: orange cronmgma haughty flagellum grawling
vou11l pruuucn
Reality #1: Trcudc. GoJJamn. the lrcudl'. Opt·ralivl'
Jiversilies gdls in gu.11 polarity freeze gantry whiskstops gaunt
upgraues. treadl' welli11g oul of the earth.
Reality #2: Shaz.bul! I should have known it all along, you guys
arc WEIRD. Why JiJn'l you just say so in the first place? treacle
my inner thigh, guys. yuu slill shoulJn'l go arounJ slapping
boogcrs on other people/ s faces.
(exe1111L # 2, enter dogged arteries and ln·m l disease)
Minoreality 111.3 type B: Wlrnt's lrcadc?
Nonrealily:
Mirco-sur/supcr co11lroleJ/mcJia rcLllily lll " (<>.33333 repealing:
being vs. 11011-bcing? Is there nothing or lite liJtk of nothing? SenJ
answers care of RAT's ASS. Thankyou for you support.
llDIDIH
�The Rat's Assn• is a meager
attempt by your peers to do something creatiue and stimulating
instead of consumptiue and riddled
with not goingness. Into which
catagory do most of your personal
actiuities fall? This pseudo-publication
has no ties with R11odes College,
so if you take offense at the contents,
take it up with the author, and
·reassess your personal ualues/
they
theY
His breath comes in white plumes beneathe the street lamp,
hands buried deep in coat pockets,
stepping back and forth pensively, but not pacingThe other man approaches wordless,
extends a package while accepting a wad,
departs with a curt nod of coal eyes
The first man returns to his flat with the package
examines the contents on a stained coffee table:
Two men and a deck of cards.
The first man steps back and forth pensively,
hands buried deep in coat pockets,
breath coming in white plumes beneathe the street lamp.
The other man approaches wordless,
extends a package . ..
�.,
3
.
-r Nl. l
;.~
;
Long Greeri Excalibur Raised
Lincoln Contine
by Jayzus Wilherfunk
Okay. That's it. I am going to start
kicking ass.
Those of you who know me know that I
can kick some ass, and ass·ldcldng will be an
endeavor which I am soon going to belabor.
Because I am pisscJ.
Those of you who arc acc.1uainlcJ wilh my
habils anJ pcrsonalily arc t1uilc aware of ils
explosive and l[Uile Jaunling charaderislics. You
know lhal I can be one pissed-off molherfucker,
and this time they have simply gone too far.
They have, those personality-less, buttsucking, thought-vacuumed sons of bitches,
actually mustered up the audacity, the pubescent,
match-stick humored gall, to ... no, you won't
even believe if I tell you. I mean I am PISSED
: OFFiii!! Anger Is seeping oul of my pores like a
· lhick slab of lasagna rage cooking in my belly,
and I can'l move wilhoul stirring up lhe smell of
il. IL clings lo my flesh like a cocoon.
And anyone who has seen a cocoon knows
that it's tough shit if you're in a cocoon and you
don't have the welders equipment necessary to
; penetrate its bonds. That's how pissed off I am
right now. It's all around me. I could rip out my
own tongue and throw it at my dog. My dog's
still happy. Baslard.
So lhese mulalion·induced freaks of
humanity, I don'l really know lhem (lhey mighl
· . __ ,-' •. ,--_..-."""••"":m:;; -1 be walching me righl now), but Lhey decide Lhal,
___ ,1-, . .,_, ..} ··:-:::~,~~;;i
....
.
··~·\:($·.·~'·ti.(;>·;;±~. :-.. •. \' _ .~ .. .;
:
:&:ii1~,r,_--;h·. Y · · .·- ..~" oul of all lhe olher human beings on lhe planel
.. - (including richer and beller•looking people), I
was the BEST PROSPECT they could come up
with. That's how audaciously inundated with
audacity these people have always been. They're
just twerpy little chunks of goo in a stranger's
- vomit.
And right now I, loo, could really blow
some chow because I AM PISSED!! My entire
system is a swirling swalh of ire spiraling toward
revenge. I am going lo starl kicking ass. Heard il
· , laere first, kids. Dr. Dealh is on the prowl and
nobody is safe but the squirrels because they're
hard to catch. That's it and that's lhal.
AND
TlH\T'S
THAT.
'
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Type
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Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 26, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 17
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 26, 1996. This Rat's Ass was called the 'That Special Issue." The front page features a Cover Story that depicts our realities. Stay Joviall brings up a deal. The last page has Jhay Witherspoon brinig up how he can kick some ass.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, Chris Brown, Martin Fox, Kevin Mathews
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d73457246485e262144e7da87755eb2e.pdf
4a8aa550fdb72e5d9039b202e3ad0785
PDF Text
Text
.-
s
•·
.
The Gravity Well
;or --
by stay jov iall
"The problems define him. That is, they put him into
words and explain him. And explanation is a funny thing:
Darwin and the Bible both explain a lot. But this isn't about
God. Or Darwin. It is about the problems, which define
him. It is not that he wrestles with them, angst-ridden and
Byron-like, but that they breathe him into being, with voice;
breath, word, whisper, inflection, tone and timbre ... all
from the lips of the problems. And so his definition is not
written, but spoken, not static, but dynamic and transient: in
considering the logos constituitive of his being, one must
remember that he is the object of this genetive construction ..
.that the definition is not of him, but he is of the definition.
The definition yielded by his problems contains only a
few words, the most significant of which have lengthy
etymologies and are derived from a sidereal language of love
and hate.
The problems which define him also explain him.
Hence the problems think that they have a way to control
him, for with successful theoretical explanation comes the
possibility of prediction, and hence control. He would want
to argue that counterfactuals of freedom lack operative
conceptual validity, and hence their control over him is at best
inductive and at worst illusory. His problems would sit back
and smile at that: "See, you've just proved our point."
What do you think of that, Dr. Joy?" He paused , and
there was a silence in Dr. Joy's office like an airplane taking
off. The pencil Dr. Joy had been turning in his fingers as his
patient spoke crashed to the desk, and his old leather boot
face remained expressionless.
"Zat is a very interesting story." Only a slight vestige
of Bavarian accent, extremely articulate. "Perhaps you have
had flashes of insight, lately or. .. zomething else?"
I paused and lit a cigarette. You looked over the table
at me, the waiter hovered in the background. I watched him
over your shoulder. You thought I was staring at you to
make you uncomfortable. You do feel vague! y
uncomfortable.
You bite your lip for a moment. "What was Dr. Joy
talking about? Are you going to tell me what happened after
that?"
I exhale smoke in your face. "No."
6reafJBst
WITH A HEALTHY
P.5.
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Now also
available
in cons
Prepared and distributed by lh•
makers of Mott's apple juice, o pp l" un1r(!
cider, vinegar, and jell i.:•
'
�Ode lo My Eighi O'Ciodt
( iL· 1 1 111 L<1gc11w1111
iviany µoets and bee; ads
Glorify sunrises ior their awe,
;na1esty
But I
Don't like sunrises
Because they are
Too early.
i
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' .. ·;,, .' }
~ " k~ .- ·"L
It
"Those who find themselves ridiculous:
Sit down next to me."
Xaft Minor :: Bently (t11e jeffersons)
Jhey Witherfunk : : Jimmy Washington (WBKotter)
Stay Jovial! :: Alex Keaton (family ties)
Gerritt Lagemann :: Jack ritter (3's company)
Dave Sears :: Arnold Drurrimonci (diff'rent strokes)
Mission Statement
THE RAT ' S Ass
IM
1s A PUNCTUATED
EQUILIBRIUM KALIBRATIO~~
INSTRUME~H
DROPPED AMONG THE GEARS AND COGS
OF TEMPORAL METAPHORS ABOUT THE
ETYMOLOGY OF THE EVOLUTION OF THE
ETERNAL
NOW:
AS SUCH IT IS PRODUCED
BY RHODES STUDENTS WHO ARE REPRESENTING NO OPINIONS BUT THEIR OWN.
IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH AN
ARTICLE, TAKE IT UP WITH ITS AUTHOR.
AND REMEMBER, AS PYNCHON POINTS OUT,
ONE MAY NEVER GET TO TOUCH THE MASTER,
BUT ONE MAY TICKLE HIS CREATURES.
They streak the sky with odd smudges ' b , i:l ·
and rose, but pour he bails of shalt~r , g
white light upon 1ny head.
Out! Out! Damned ligf-it!
~
Foul and ugly, like the chance mi11i~t~r
rainbow from a piece of crystal ;,
Ejected and stapled to my creme-coforei
concrete walls.
Too small! Too yellow! Too insignific
In my mornings of chronic tiredness, jt :· ·
1 1
eyes and smooth inky newsprintr
1
~ ,
You are much too feeble to crack r~y ~r . , 1 ,p'b
bleakness and bring my daily dose qt · !
q
Sunsets, however , are truly the
l1alo .
Brilliant , rich ubiquitous hues
across my evening sky
.
Reflecting its striking salmon pinks , ~~: ,
blue hues and cries off the milky,., Cl9
Truly life's most graceful film.
Lacking in action, perhaps,
nonetheless.
If I am bored with sunsets,
bored with lite.
· i;
the original performance
'ioo.o ' •'
!"
LOOKS LIKE
ll R CA OWING our OF H[A.0
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NEVER NEEDS SETTING
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3) Jists
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SMILl~G MINER, " ' ilJiam ~'illiams, washes off the c:.oot af
!er st'l 1111g a IH"W British record by tligging 234 t c:., f . ·I·
Ill th<' Wt•e k of D.
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trou '<'!'. " · 11!1;.ims ca nn ot find a house for his fami l . An I
ie gm·n11mC'11t look ~60 in taxes out of his S1G1l pay ~jlCl'k.
1~3-
5) pinching
6) 666666
7) Numerology
8) Daughdrill
9) Libby
10) Brouhaha
11) God
12) riots
13) ducats
14) fat
15) booty
16) spacestation
17) women's goat room
18) tomorrow
19) operation
20) flame
21) dineophile
22) squirrels
23) coffee
24) cover-up
25) rubbing-out
26) \Wishing-up
27) passing-through
28) 28
29) tree-labels
fly-fishing
sophistry
inversions
<ldministralion
34) iists
42) Rat's Ass
30)
31)
32)
33)
.. ---·. - ·
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·1) You
2) Rhodes
.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The The Rat's Ass, January 19, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 16
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publication, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 19, 1996. The front page has Stay Joviall talking about the "Gravity Well." Jhay Witherspoon gives some needed advice while Gerrit Lagemann tells us about his Eight O'clock. On the last page Xaft Minor lists off things to object to.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, Gerritt Lagemann, Sears Dave, Xaft Minor
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5c23910e807e96a0b1ffa19591ae722a.pdf
55713ff01d9de05433560a25df2e4567
PDF Text
Text
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((LAVAL IS LOYAL TO LAVAL
I Still . Have A Dream
by Jay Witherfunk
I had a dream that Rhodes was cool.
Everyone had on a lye-die and the chiba ran rampant.
No, no that Wasn't it. Oh yeah, I remember. There were
a tribe of Rhodents who worshipped the squirrels. I asked one of
the professors of faith to show me why she believed. She took me
to the base of a tree, where, surely enough, a squirrel approached.
She nudged me and whispered, "Now you'll see!!!" The squirrel
looked around tensely for a few seconds then bolted up the tree in
a spiral. The squirrel-worshipper stared at me with pupils wide
and screamed, "DID YOU SEE THAT!?!? THAT IS WHY!!!!"
"Yeah, squirrels rock," I said. Oh shit. I'm sorry. Wrong
dream again. Too weird for Rhodes.
Really, the dream was this: I knocked down lhe door to
President Daughdrill's door with the smallest thrust of my
hulking shoulder and immediately proceeded to the back of the
room, where lay the magic safe to which I held the only key (won
through bloody battle with a maligned redneck demon). I opened
the door of the safe with slow, surreptitious, and scrupulously
mliloqous serendipity And light poured onto my face as I looked
ipon THE INSTRUMENT. IT WAS ... THE REMOTE CONTROL
10 THE BRAINS OF ALL RHODES STUDENTS (except for the
ucky few who have somehow managed to remove the deadly
mplant which is shoved al birth into the skull of all infants by
'he Man*)!!!!! When I picked the control up, lhe knob was turned
> the setting labeled the "Ralph Lauren/ Victorian Age/ sticks1-their-asses/ spoon-fed/'oh my god, look at her butt'/'[
lmrnpoo every day, don't you?' /'tell-me-how-lo-dance, I'm not
iat creative' /Tm okay cuz I'm rich, I'm white and· I'm
te' /please don't change this setting" setting.
This all seemed rather drab, so 1 ch~nged lhe knob lo lhe
. trng "chill daddy-o's" and the thing shocked my hands so ~ad
I dropped it and leaped out the
to
own
0 r wa1, no, I thin:k my dream was somelhmg different. ll s so
·t
· I
hard to remember your dreams some limes, you know·
J was in the jungle. It was dark. All I coul~ he.~r. w_~s l _
w
sound of my feet on lhe forest floor. The surroundmg silence was
b
ble The sounds of my footsteps were so loud lhal J could
un eara tl ·
l d d ·1 t l gt:•l
.
even see 1em· I tried lo imagine a black-lool 1e evt ·, ou · o d
me and I thought I heard him~ but maybe not. I .'.~a~me a
babbling brook thal slurped qmetly lo mark lhe pa~sa8.c of my
thoughts, but it soon returned. lo the silence. And I m JUsl now
seeing that my dreams are so stlly and unreal.
I don't km.i~v. But maybe you do.
I thought I dreamed that Rhodes was cool.
But it's really just a wet spot on my bed lhal I'll have lo
wash off later.
:~at'
windo~ ~y
de~is~··
* 'The Man' is anyone who knows where lo look when lhey see a
word with an asterisk.
>
"Stick to .
your etch1
M TI" ':.:
r. .
�Why You Can't Buy
a Rubber on Campus
ECONOMICS
-by stay joviall
by dauid sears
I think it's a function of angularity, ya
know, in the sense of two things coming together
with a certain fixed relation between them.
Definitely there arc overtones of inundatory inanity
involved, in an essentially egregious mode of
comportment towards itself and us as a community
of people acting like students.
And Rhodes is a churchy place... religious
hangups hang out like Damoclean bad breath. Not
that I have a problem with D~mocles' breath, or
religion, or hanging things -- it's just that two
lines or this situationality don't seem to be at a
right angle when you think of that nasty little virus
running around out there. Yes, the administration's
lack of rational responsibility forces the
responsibility on our heads as students, but I
suspect some lessons should not be so potentially
costly.
\
If I oNly HaD a GuNnnN.
by MlchAel AIAn LonG I
It'S LatE AnD DaNZig Is oN ...
IF I onLy Had A gUN.
TheN I'D Be DUNne.
ShE WouLD NoTICe mE.
And My fOOd WoUld Be hOT.
LifE WouLD BE mORe PG-13
I CoulD TeLL MY StoRIES And
ShOW My TatTOOs.
WiTh A BeeR And A gUN.
No mORe StAined GlaSS.
No MorE TiGHt JeANs.
"HeY maN, WhAT's UP?"
BOOM!
"WHAtaREYa'Ll uPtotONiGHt?"
BOOM!
"IS ThiS GoNNa be On tHe TeSt?"
BOOM!
"COulD yOu ThrOw me a zlmA?"
BOOM!
AIL ThEse TaTterED BaSEbaLL CaPS
AnD KaKKi ShORTs
AnDTevaS
AnD BoOMin' baSS
AnD IED zEPPlin Cds.
TheRE WouLD jUST bE PeaCe.
AndaLoT
oF DeAD PeoPLe.
I DONT Bf OLD FASHIONED, MOM!
PRO·PHY-LAC-TIC PROLON· rs
. BETTER THAN PIG- BRISTLES !
1
"Ugh, how clicl I
i get here?" Jack thought lo
himsc1f as he opcne<l one
• eye, only to be confronted
by an intense ray of light
penetrating through his
skull. He could only recall
i going to the l~rench
Ouarler the night before to
hc-ive a few d1·inks or
something. Hnt now he
found l1irnsclf slTetcl1e<.l
l out by the rive1· in an
j uuimaginaMe conclltion.
I His hair was knollecl up
' around a huge wad of gum
which was stuck to the
grouncl. His hocl y hacl
macle a bed for itself in a
! pool of vomit complete
! with a few barely <ligest. <~J
i hot dog wieners. He also
became aware of a moist
feeling in l1is right ear.
He yan.kecl the clump of
hair ancl gum from the
grouncl so as lo turn l1is
hea<l ove1·. A yellow liquid
slowly seepecl from his ear,
bearing a stril~ing
rese1nblance to urine.
"What have I done to
myself?" lie thought. He
glMwecl around at his
surroundings ancl
i 1111 nc<liatcly l1<.~<.~a111c
fixated on the waler. To
his~ .&..; '.!1_;~,~~.
amazement he noticed
:.:~r
:I
:"
two cm ns dancing
eleganlly over tl1e river
together. "Okay iL makes
sense now, l'n1 clreatni11g.
AL least when I walw up I
won't have to contend wilh
hot clog infestecl vomit
clripping from my nose"
All of a suclclen a sharp
beam of light attacked l1is
retina from Lhe right. He
turned and saw the mosl
heautifnl human figure lw
lrnd ever <lirectecl his
vision towards. The
figure was a huge black
man possibly seven feel tall
with long wiry dreads aml
an enonnous black ancl
grey beard. The si.gl1 l was
so pleasing that Jack
forgot all about the
graceful emus. After a f cw
moments of silence Jack
askecl the beautiful man,
"\Xll10 are you, what is
?"
your nanie.
"I have no name, I only
l1ave a job."
"What is your job, sir?"
"First let me ask you a
question, wl1at clo you
think of money"
"I don't know, I just use it
when I want something."
"Money is undeserved
power, my brother."
"Ol~ay, so tell me what
your job is?"
"Different people refer to it
l1y <liffcrcnl names"
"\Vhat <lo you call i l?
The magnificent figure
~~1~f~~l$.t,',~ \' . .
....
'.· · , ':· - <. ~
~:- ·<\i;':·r·~fi!K~
J .
replied, ;'Redistrilrntion"
aml tlwn vanisl1cJ.
Jack was ovcrwl1clme<I wid1
wlrnt l1a<J taken place since
he lia<l hecorne conscious.
I Je sloml up aml
aUemptecl lo orient
l1imsclf. I le sat on tlic
heuch hehiml l1im lo
cont:en1plat:e tllC recent
course of even t.s lie lrncl
experienced. He reachecl
in his back pocket ancl
pullecl l1is wallet out. All
of his money and crcclit
cards hacl hcen replacecl by
a. JiLtle canl rea cling "G ocl
�'The R_,,t'" A•s'" is neocnrlrnncul<lr
n '[unkul,.r tintiu,.bulc.rity produced
•·
d
on "' ha•is by people with other specrEio c.n
i·andom factors involved. It just sort of
Irnppens. '['here c.re no i-es{riciion• on wl1,.t
·
. l
=~K
published, so if you lMve ~ p".°blem w1t.1
nrticle pleAse t .. ke it up w1tl1 its re~pech~
'l
And you know tl1osc little pomty tlungs
gc{•
4n
4Ut lOI'·
tlu•t get stuck in tl1e inner pAssAge of the
part?
'We do
th .. t.
n
ow
!ll!f? ll"(l!l _ _ _ _ __...c-
STAPHBOXX
EricBlock--Rumblepuppy
mar1infox--MumbleGUppY
DAVesears--stumble!luffy
miKelong--junglestuffy
DaveWells--bunglescruffy
Stayjoviall--munglEFurry
}heyWitherspoon--tu~gleblurry ;.A~......
AlanBouRDEReaux--a1nnoworry
'
I
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i
I am nobody,
I shall be nothing
I come from nowhere
I am going no place
I have no reason for being here
My entrance was painful
I cried -- Others rejoiced
l'vly exit shall be miserable
Others will cry -- I will rejoie
Stretching between this beginning and end
Is a succession of sensation-None important
There was on]y one important event in my life
That was an affair I attended
Where illusion furnished the music
Folly was my dancing partner
And despair my escort home.
i
i
•
,,
'
,/
-A.SIJ<
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 15
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 12, 1996. Jhay Witherspoon has a dream that Rhodes will become cool one day. Stay Joviall brings up the problem of buying a "Rubber on Campus." David Sears however talks about economics. On the last page Eric Block gives a sad story of becoming nothing.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, David Sears, Martin Fox, Eric Block, Mike Long, Dave Wells, Alan Reaux
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/ca2203778543117d7a783f9b1bfbfc6a.pdf
81c094e17a4613f1f2747922a3c9c2dd
PDF Text
Text
De- c.. 1 +"' \,, St~ s \It.
J>y: chris brown
l'1
~ olI.I tr.~ ti
With the wipter solstice almost upon us
and the irm1ing of report cards that always
ensues during this blessed month, T thought
it wmild good for Rhodes not to he left out
of all the fun. lf you or your group
didn't receive a grade e-mail me and T
will issue you or your group one. All grades
given are hased on an impartial and
objective scale of merit.
Rhodes Student Government: F
Too conservative. You guys and gals
need to transfer to Bob Jones .
DOMINANT
The Book Store: f
The next time Tneed an over-priced
book, l'll make it a point to swing by.
LIFE
CHARACTERISTIC
LIFE
Mon
Mammol1
The Rhodes Student Body: D+
Too white, Republican , and, in general,
apathetic about everything.
The Rat Man: F
The Administration: F
This grade wac; given on a Pass/Fail bac;is .
Maybe the administration needs to be eva1uated
by the SIRs?
Bitch Slap!: C+
Good idea, but write something
worth reading.
Get a real cappuccino machine.
Reptiles
The Campus: A+
fhhH
Dick Slap!: F
Should be renamed Dicldess!
The Faculty: B
Overa11, an amiable group of
people who would like to have
a more academic-minded administration .
Amphibians
Invertebrates
Greek Organizations: F
..
You should spend your money
on better looking clothes instead
of buying your friends.
Primitive
Multicellular
form•
It's the squirrels.
Overall GPA: 1.5
The Rat: D
The food is just slightly
more bland than the student body.
Multiply this by 10,000 and you
have the magical formula for tuition . .
Unlcellulor
fo<m1
~
~
~
~
~
!!l1
�..\s
,
' .·
Q
·~!- '\
''•"\1
.
~---
..__
}
--
-
~
~
\
SONG #2
i
,f
.
-
.
.
--...._
-
--
..
. ~
~··
=· ,
' z ..
.:
February stared at the flourescent tube lights. His boss pointed a fat
\
finger toward him without a glance in his direction. "Pass me that dubbaya dee
forly, woodja."
February grabbed lhe greasy can and handed it to his greasy boss. He
'
wondered what "WD-40" meant. His boss sat on a stool by his workbench,
\
fin~ering an old door hinge L.houghtfully., His lhick thigh~ enveloped the s_ool on
t
wl11dl he sat and February tried not to lhink about where it went when he sat on
~~ '
-:; j
.:!!I
..~'
~
1
it.
1
The fat man mumbled lo himself as he contemplated the procedure that
would restore the door hinge lo all its former grandeur as a functional bit of
realily. The pipe he smoked dangled and danced wilh each syllable he muttered.
Smoke curled itself around his head like a cat securing a spot to sleep. February
hoped it would take the fat man a long time to fix the hinge. He thought he was
jusl finally starting to see that the flourescent lights really did flash several
limes each second.
And in a burst of handyman clarity, February's boss discovered the exact
spot on the hinge that required a deep blast of dubbaya dee forty. He gave
February a quick look to make sure he was not daydreaming, or what he liked to
call "being out in left field with lhe dodo's and the duo-duo's." February returned
the look quickly enough lo satisfy the moving mound - - a man. "Just makin sure
you was still with me kid, I'll be through in a sec, and I'll need your help with
some things."
February stared al the pipe dangling and dancing from between greasy
lips. He was watching closely when the burning red tobacco leapt out of the pipe's
smoldering bowl on the word "things" (fat man had always packed his pipe
poorly). Burning cherry careened directly into the thick spray of dubbaya dee
forly. The cool liquid immediately became a two foot flame that reached through
lhe air lo a rag hanging from lhe lip of a container on the greasy workbench. The
rag belonged lo an economy-sized coffee can of gasoline, and immediately
introduced the burning tongue tu its can's contents. February just had time tu cover
his head before lhc fal man's side was fried. February turned lo watch him hit
the ground. His jowls convulsed and slapped the floor. Smoke slowly slid from his
burnt face and torso and crawled slowly into the air. Fat man was burned to a crisp. ,
February grimaced, walked tu the dour, and out tu lhe street.
jay witherspoon: james ·brown
chris brown: miles
martin fox: 'trane
dave sears: bird's heroin dealer
stay ioviall: minqus
Reigndear
by stay jovi111I ..
Don~er arched his chin back
toward his tail, peering at the cold stars.
Beside him walked Blitzen, and both
were indifferent to Prancer trailing some
ways behind. Giving his antlers a little
shake, Donner turned to Blitzen and
asked "At the most fundamental level,
what is disease?"
Blitzen flared his nostrils, white
breath making a sort of halo around his
nose, "Sumpin's wrong wit an organism,
bein' bad fer it, it's gotta dizease."
Donner stopped and dug his fore
hoof into the hard frosty dirt. "I cannot
agree. [t seems to me that diseasecausin g micro-organisms are simply other
species just struggling to live, seeking
self-preservation and -perpetuation." He
leveled his eyes at Blitzen, who had
paused to listen. "When one considers
the relativity of the situation, we are
merely ecosystems. A reindeer or elf
supporting the life and well-being of a
destructive virus does not have something
wrong with him or her, but has merely
become an environment-in-flux."
Prancer trotted up. "Ooooooh,
yeah, right baby, and now I suppose
you're going to say something like 'And
from one possible perspective, one can
view us as a disease being supported by
the planet, which we are making ill, and
which is trying to cure itself of us by its
antibodies which we refer to as harmful
bacteria and viruses."' Prancer pranced
about, batting a low-hanging hemlock
branch with his antlers.
Blitzen snorted, and Donner said
.uothing. Prancer chortled madly and
went on. "Disease is something we've
. en trained to believe is natural by the
. ~ever malicious scientists running world
politics! Disease is the three-degree
nonentity caught in the turning lane o .
"
time by the oncoming traffic of entr~
He reared up on his back legs and yipped
insanely in the still night air. A startled
owl took flight. "Disease! Dis. Ease!
Disease created us! We are a state Qt
disease in the universe, which is a"iate
of disease in reality! Being diseased is a
disease of disease!"
Prancer stopped, panting. 'The
night was strangely still. The reindeer
went on in silence.
�\ ..
:;.-
.
v-~h·
- ~
,,,
.
il.
;. ~:
.
N" Perhaps, someday he VJill
· ihe
,~ · try to take a c\ose, intense
\ighthouse w\\\ remain
look at the ho\es, and
. untfill~ ·
decide that he should
ihis parab\e c\ear\y
arrange an expedition
explains changes in thE
equipped with cosmetics
i state of the gothic
and name-producing
devices to make their way \ p\ayground.
into the ho\es. \t may be
the case that he will
. himself choose to \ead the
1
.
,,.
!•.
",
'
I
expeditio~t \~~fil . ; ·.·
serve as mascot to it in
order to inspire and give
himself something to do
once he has tired of his
duties as lighthouse
What we are doing is
keeper. It might come to
writing these words, which
pass that he will bring his
relate to the words you
optical toys in hope that
are reading. Reading
they will be of service to
these words causes us to
him in the holes.
keep writing these words
Possibly, he could
that you are reading.
pretend to draw
Words read are written for
conclusions from these
causes we keep writing.
observations to prove to
C~uses for reading are
the expedition that its
wntten. Relations of
mission was righteous
writing read writing.
and their moral duty. It is
Which is what we're
a distinct chance that he
doing. How about
will do this so that they
another allegory?
would build him altars,
There's still a lighthouse
doorknobs, and palaces
keeper, who keeps a
full of jocund beekeepers.
lighthouse unlit. There
Maybe, these things will
are still sub-commitees.
come to past, allowing
The keeper still has large
him to achieve his goal of
collections of optical toys
turning the optical toys in
which distort. Everything
on themselves, giving
else is different.
.
distortions with infinite
Holes have developed,
recursion.
and the populace has
ihere is also the
begun to wonder about
possibility that he will be
them. Occasionally,
swallowed up by holes,
someone investigates too
and never heard from
closely and doesn't come
again. If this is the case,
back. Legends proliferate
he will receive a
and are fed to the
promotion from the sublighthouse keeper, who
committee, and have a
~as recently taken a great
plaque announcing that
int
in the holes.
he had lived
I
\
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspapers
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 7, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 7, 1995. This issue of The Rat's Ass was the Christmas issue. On the front page Chris Brown gives his end of the semester report card of Rhodes, and the grades aren't something to write home about. Jhay Witherspoon brings up February and it's boss. Stay Joviall also talks about Reigndear. On the last page Xaft Minor says how words lead to more words which lead to us reading words.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Xaft Minor, Fox Martin
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d6b909a4a3b0515853f8253e6e043962.pdf
1969a22e751030490bbeeba3bdda1ccf
PDF Text
Text
' - This can make tasks that require a clear mind difficult,
r;waningle,ss or unsafe.
l
WHAT'S THIS LITTLE MAN DOING ON MY KNEE?
by jay (Keep your heaven to yourself - - happiness in
the clouds. It tastes itchy.
Keep your 'if only's' - - if only she would get to
know me; if only she would love me; if only I
could get rid of her, that bitch. - - watch
them slide away like a jug of milk pushed
across a kitchen table: whoosh, pause, whoosh,
pause . . .
Keep your spirituality and explanations. Manufacture
and build them up around you like a tree house.
Tree houses are fun to play in, but be careful
i
where you step because you may fall out and be
.
I
forced to realize that there is a really big
ground down there with no walls around it.
y~
BEING without reason Is absurd. BEING
without reason I& a big fuzzy hltman who has
come to wipe off your mllk moustache with a
solar flare. BEING tastes llke an exploslon,
and It don't need no •why.'
So keep your materialism and your faith in faith.
I found a funkiness in my own faith [a faith in
funkiness], and swished it around my mouth, and
tasted myself, with a tinge of wordy
cholesterol, slightly underplaying a sensual
overtone.
Yes, keep your glory days and your polite masking
smiles.
I say, take the only real way. The way of the
chicken. And, for that matter, the way of the
wad of gum under the table. The table and the
gum. The gum and the table. The rum and the
fable. Your monnna is a fat Elvis-lover, and
you ain't nuthin' but a fuzzy wuzzy bear
swimming through vats of fats singing 'bout I
got the blues cuz the knife ran away)
witherspoon
.
I
THIS UTILE MAH IS OH MY KNEE .
HE IS A LITTLE MAH .
t~OT REMEBER A TIME WHEN HE WAS HOT THERE .
KNEE.
PERHAPS
I
HE FITS 01~ MY KNEE .
I
HE IS THE LITTLE MAH OH MY
WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM ONE DAY .
DO
�Vortex
Dialogic
-Xaft Minor
·I
Sometimes I think 1 am
living in a Theatre de
L 'absurd play when I read
that pathetic publication
called the Sou'wester. One of
the most in form ati ve articles
which wasted about a halfpage last week was on the
"change" concerning the
SIRs. The great "change"
that will take place will be
that now our wonderful and
intelligent student
representatives will hand out
the_ SIR forms and read a prewnuen letter to the class.
This is supposed to "create a
more confidential and serious
atmosphere... " w hen students
fill out these forms. Now
let's be realistic just for ~
second. Student reps handing
out the SIRs will not have
any effect on how the SIRs
are used. The RSG seems to
have a lack of analytic skills
when it comes to thinking
through who interprets the
SIRs. Who gives a fuck
whether the professor or
some student hands out the
s_
IRs. This will not change a
single thing on how the SIRs
are used. It is the
administration that assumes
the duty to interpret the
SIRs and then use them
against any job position or
professor they want to
term inatc. It is the
administration which is the
problem here, not those who
hand-out the SIRs. Our Greek
filled student government
......
~ -~
~~~
{!~)J .«~l
XAFT MINOR - FDA
.JHEY WHITHERFUNK - EPA
NEETO BEEF URN - FBI
CHRIS BROWN - ATF
STAY .JovlALL - CIA
~
~
(
'1
seems to think that they
really are accomplishing
something with this
"change" in policy. Of
course, if the function of the
RSG is to suck the dick of
the administration then I
must compliment them on
the job they are doing with
only one small complaint.
SUCK HARDER!
\(
\\
J made you
with craft and deliberation
charting and foolproof
turning youth into something
benign but guarded
under heated juristriction
scrubbed and not foresaken
holding off and pursing lips
implant growth-forms
garner response prediction
verisimilitude popu]us zerography
allowance of harpinlin taste
titular gonzaga container
paraplex ostensiable dorflit
· isable gorflin behaviors
rashyolin cabagarech odius
casbahdop torbhal dan
. But it falls apart anyway
I was found
in the thickets of musty
vineyards with scramb1ing
looseness and rustling scatologies
sunlight filtered names
tantamount and flavorful
wastrels of 1ove1iness
regalia undermining heat
honey dripping cuticles
evervescent baby basins
simper puzzled rom lashings
losted barzoorn touching
sourbets jocund hostekram
haberdashery essence godlycrurnb
kabalistic noumena finglapse
bashing bazooks overture
xibnotreplin targ poobah
In a search for order
The Rat's Ass™ is a metalinear botching
of the exercise in non-recursive duality; as
such, the opinions contained herein reflect
the views of no one other than their respective authors. Thank you for choosing our
airline, and we hope you will f~ with us
FROM THE NEFARIOUS MIND OF THE
S'UP'E1( C:J{'E1('R!Y AfJtSPE1( . . .
WHAT IF?
What if you were playing basketbal l and all of a su dden
the ball t urned into Dr. Jobe s' he ad and p ronounce d , "Al l
work and no play ma k es Jim a dul 1 boy ! ," and then
proceeded to boun c e up and down the court, s l a m-du nk
himself,
chase the chee rl eaders ~ bi te the coach's
hamburger , giggle , s pin rapidly in the a ir and di sappe ar
in a cloud of smoke?
�Graft .
-sty bay fovlall
You'Ve been picking those
scabs of reason and tug~!ng
at those pigtails of meaning
looking for an alley
a rock to climb under
asafe place
anything
to shield you from
the self-rape of analysis
by stay joviall
I
What are you?
this is not a poem;
this is a message
from you to you
.: the place
.; where you end
and I begin
never existed;
~ -- - I am you
,,~ ·'and I am not you
who are you?
by Chavez
1) The bong is over here. It reduces impurities by over 25%!!
2) Hey, kid, grabbing the end that's on fire may result in burns.
3) Mmmm, if [weren't your doctor and you "o/eren't my patient, I do believe I
would paint you pink and really use this stethoscope.
4) <hey, pssst, you grab it, and we can go smoke it in my office!>
5) Excuse me, 1' d like to ask you a few questions about the punctuation hovering
about your head.
6) You wanna try on my nurse outfit?
7) Scientific studies have shown that those who smoke marijuana turn into four- .
fingered, featureless cartoon people.
8) The dank, dirty purple is this way.
•
I
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 16, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 13
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 16, 1995. The front page of this issue features Jhay Witherspoon who writes about how being without reason is absurd. Chris Brown critics the RSG on Rhodes College. Xaft Minor also has a Dialogic Vortex. On the last page Chavez gives us some well needed medical advice.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Chris Brown, Neeto Beef, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Xaft Minor
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/14def419d405ddc8af349b929f5d5be3.pdf
1969a22e751030490bbeeba3bdda1ccf
PDF Text
Text
' - This can make tasks that require a clear mind difficult,
r;waningle,ss or unsafe.
l
WHAT'S THIS LITTLE MAN DOING ON MY KNEE?
by jay (Keep your heaven to yourself - - happiness in
the clouds. It tastes itchy.
Keep your 'if only's' - - if only she would get to
know me; if only she would love me; if only I
could get rid of her, that bitch. - - watch
them slide away like a jug of milk pushed
across a kitchen table: whoosh, pause, whoosh,
pause . . .
Keep your spirituality and explanations. Manufacture
and build them up around you like a tree house.
Tree houses are fun to play in, but be careful
i
where you step because you may fall out and be
.
I
forced to realize that there is a really big
ground down there with no walls around it.
y~
BEING without reason Is absurd. BEING
without reason I& a big fuzzy hltman who has
come to wipe off your mllk moustache with a
solar flare. BEING tastes llke an exploslon,
and It don't need no •why.'
So keep your materialism and your faith in faith.
I found a funkiness in my own faith [a faith in
funkiness], and swished it around my mouth, and
tasted myself, with a tinge of wordy
cholesterol, slightly underplaying a sensual
overtone.
Yes, keep your glory days and your polite masking
smiles.
I say, take the only real way. The way of the
chicken. And, for that matter, the way of the
wad of gum under the table. The table and the
gum. The gum and the table. The rum and the
fable. Your monnna is a fat Elvis-lover, and
you ain't nuthin' but a fuzzy wuzzy bear
swimming through vats of fats singing 'bout I
got the blues cuz the knife ran away)
witherspoon
.
I
THIS UTILE MAH IS OH MY KNEE .
HE IS A LITTLE MAH .
t~OT REMEBER A TIME WHEN HE WAS HOT THERE .
KNEE.
PERHAPS
I
HE FITS 01~ MY KNEE .
I
HE IS THE LITTLE MAH OH MY
WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM ONE DAY .
DO
�Vortex
Dialogic
-Xaft Minor
·I
Sometimes I think 1 am
living in a Theatre de
L 'absurd play when I read
that pathetic publication
called the Sou'wester. One of
the most in form ati ve articles
which wasted about a halfpage last week was on the
"change" concerning the
SIRs. The great "change"
that will take place will be
that now our wonderful and
intelligent student
representatives will hand out
the_ SIR forms and read a prewnuen letter to the class.
This is supposed to "create a
more confidential and serious
atmosphere... " w hen students
fill out these forms. Now
let's be realistic just for ~
second. Student reps handing
out the SIRs will not have
any effect on how the SIRs
are used. The RSG seems to
have a lack of analytic skills
when it comes to thinking
through who interprets the
SIRs. Who gives a fuck
whether the professor or
some student hands out the
s_
IRs. This will not change a
single thing on how the SIRs
are used. It is the
administration that assumes
the duty to interpret the
SIRs and then use them
against any job position or
professor they want to
term inatc. It is the
administration which is the
problem here, not those who
hand-out the SIRs. Our Greek
filled student government
......
~ -~
~~~
{!~)J .«~l
XAFT MINOR - FDA
.JHEY WHITHERFUNK - EPA
NEETO BEEF URN - FBI
CHRIS BROWN - ATF
STAY .JovlALL - CIA
~
~
(
'1
seems to think that they
really are accomplishing
something with this
"change" in policy. Of
course, if the function of the
RSG is to suck the dick of
the administration then I
must compliment them on
the job they are doing with
only one small complaint.
SUCK HARDER!
\(
\\
J made you
with craft and deliberation
charting and foolproof
turning youth into something
benign but guarded
under heated juristriction
scrubbed and not foresaken
holding off and pursing lips
implant growth-forms
garner response prediction
verisimilitude popu]us zerography
allowance of harpinlin taste
titular gonzaga container
paraplex ostensiable dorflit
· isable gorflin behaviors
rashyolin cabagarech odius
casbahdop torbhal dan
. But it falls apart anyway
I was found
in the thickets of musty
vineyards with scramb1ing
looseness and rustling scatologies
sunlight filtered names
tantamount and flavorful
wastrels of 1ove1iness
regalia undermining heat
honey dripping cuticles
evervescent baby basins
simper puzzled rom lashings
losted barzoorn touching
sourbets jocund hostekram
haberdashery essence godlycrurnb
kabalistic noumena finglapse
bashing bazooks overture
xibnotreplin targ poobah
In a search for order
The Rat's Ass™ is a metalinear botching
of the exercise in non-recursive duality; as
such, the opinions contained herein reflect
the views of no one other than their respective authors. Thank you for choosing our
airline, and we hope you will f~ with us
FROM THE NEFARIOUS MIND OF THE
S'UP'E1( C:J{'E1('R!Y AfJtSPE1( . . .
WHAT IF?
What if you were playing basketbal l and all of a su dden
the ball t urned into Dr. Jobe s' he ad and p ronounce d , "Al l
work and no play ma k es Jim a dul 1 boy ! ," and then
proceeded to boun c e up and down the court, s l a m-du nk
himself,
chase the chee rl eaders ~ bi te the coach's
hamburger , giggle , s pin rapidly in the a ir and di sappe ar
in a cloud of smoke?
�Graft .
-sty bay fovlall
You'Ve been picking those
scabs of reason and tug~!ng
at those pigtails of meaning
looking for an alley
a rock to climb under
asafe place
anything
to shield you from
the self-rape of analysis
by stay joviall
I
What are you?
this is not a poem;
this is a message
from you to you
.: the place
.; where you end
and I begin
never existed;
~ -- - I am you
,,~ ·'and I am not you
who are you?
by Chavez
1) The bong is over here. It reduces impurities by over 25%!!
2) Hey, kid, grabbing the end that's on fire may result in burns.
3) Mmmm, if [weren't your doctor and you "o/eren't my patient, I do believe I
would paint you pink and really use this stethoscope.
4) <hey, pssst, you grab it, and we can go smoke it in my office!>
5) Excuse me, 1' d like to ask you a few questions about the punctuation hovering
about your head.
6) You wanna try on my nurse outfit?
7) Scientific studies have shown that those who smoke marijuana turn into four- .
fingered, featureless cartoon people.
8) The dank, dirty purple is this way.
•
I
�
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Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
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Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9ef7f763012d58ea3f9556b4f9329f5c.pdf
5823ef9eab462f3befb5c10991123bb0
PDF Text
Text
V
olot11L
W;i~ing
flv ~~12.r
and \Vaning
i
"'
1
l1
'.
Nove1>-ber3 , I Cfq~~
by Jay 1VithErSpron
.'
The sign on lop of the door read "This passage marks change.
This passage was created in the image of God."
"Oh," I sighed, always ready for a change. Perhaps there was
something exciting on I.he other side of God's image. Ah, yes.
After l had walked through the doorway, the realization
was forced upon me by some crucial mixture of memory and
immediate sensation that everything I was thinking and
experiencing had somehow turned to the passive voice. The fright
was pushed across and throughout my frame like an early morning ·
piss shiver. The passivity was more than simply verbiage, though.
I had been a pawn all along. Epiphianic needles were poked
through my spine as these thoughts were beginning to take their
1 brutal form: 111e idea to walk through the doorway had been
implanted in my brain by some force other than MY SELF. No
doubt, the inclination had been waiting in my skull since birth. I
had been vomited into the world of no volition of my own. A
crying baby, a wrinkly crying brain pre-formatted to function right
out of the tube: shivering with the cold, a slap on the ass, big
people, white shiny clothes, blood, a mother with a warm breast.
Every subsequent thought and action of my life had been in
' response to the previous ones. Whichever way my life had started
had decided which way it would end. I had walked through the
do_
qnvav because I had had to. It had been ordained.
I
.
comfortably moist
~UNLESS! ! l ! ! ! I foreeJ myself W loolt 1mmrnl and caLn Jown. Yes,
tl1ere it was!!! Th.. ! FEELING!!! It was definjtely tlum,, I wa~ deciding what
. fo do!!! .Just fo fost my theory, I pulled my pocl<et-knife from my left pants
pocket and slashed my left fo1'f'arm. Yes, I was quite sum that J felt I l1ad clecided
fo do exactly tl1al.
1
But there I was again, bleeding, staring al tl1e Joor, wondering wl1ence
these inclinations came. The air was l10t. I was swealy. Electric impulses raceJ
frantic . My minJ saw my Me anJ future turn inlo formless melted wax. Melted
wax ... melted wax, melted melly wax wax, melty molten wax wax, waxy melted
swirling life wax melt. And tl1en tlie lifey wax swam around in my head a wl1ile.
Piml il look Ll1it1 sltnpc limn Llrnt, melting melty. Tl1c wax of my life sw;11n ,
l>caulifuJ, nnJ I lmgan lo elm pc tl1c wax myself. .l~iml, a lmll, tl1cn a Jmt, aml n
·.
liat, and t10111ctl1ing I lrnd never Reem, a11J 11 pair of lip~, a11d a Joorw11y, a11d ~0111e
swurly words, and wl1alever, and il candle, and. a ln1Ly, and a bleeding arm, and a
dream, anJ a wing, and a watcl1, anJ n1y mother, and a poem, and my own 11wealy
face, and. as Ll1e waxy image waned and I ernwlcd back lo Hulonomy Lhrougl1 tlie
l1allways in my head, it all 11eemcd a whole lot better. It lasted rigl1t.
•
'
I
!
from the nefarious mind of the ~m!~Qe'lt Qt])Qe'~lt~ Jfn~~'ID:Qe'lt ...
WHAT IF?
What if Jim Daughdrill did 69 whippits,
took off all his clothes, crawled up to you
and asked if he could borrow your car?
I
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It was that time again•
Time for the bimonthly '
tree gathering.
The
Interforestry Tree
Convention wa s an
opportunity for the
great trees to come
together and e ngage in
r igorous debate over
crucial issues
pertinent to their
existence.
As you
might imagine there was
rarely any agreement
over t h e important
philosophical issues
but the great trees
persisted, preparing
their little sermons on
tree ethics, tree
afterlife or absence
of , tree gods, proper
modes of dis cou rse ,
etc.
The great trees
came from around t h e
country by whatever
mean s available to
them .
Thi s
parti c ular meeting got
unde r way with a
reading of the minutes
recapping the last
gather ing followed by a
h e ate d discussion on
tree morality.
The
Gambe l Oak in st igat e d
t h e d e bate by stating
his opinion on t h e
matter .
"Fe llow trees,
bush es, shrubs , and
vario u s other plants
(the convention was
generally open to any
type of plant life that
k
.
t
th
could ma e i t
o
e
meeting but the only
plant- be;ide- the trees
s
that would speak was
the cannabis Sativa)
the very fact that we
are all congregated
here demonstrates our
'\
unity.
I
wi l l not d eny ,,
' j'
1
1,
that we vary in species ~
but we ar.e united by
~l
our drive for
~
knowledge.
We are
rat ional trees, my
frien ds.
As rational
trees , we are moral
trees.
We must deny
ourselves the
s uperficial pleasures
of our trunks; to grow
and e xpand overrunning
other trees. "
The
charismatic Gia nt
Sequoia began s coffing
quite deliberately and
proceeded to state in
his usual r ich and
stunning tone, "SLAVE
MORALITY, I am a rath er
large tr e e and requ ire
much space in order to
grow to a satisfactory
s iz e .
T re e
rationality,
is simply a myth
created by thos e
s u ffici e nt ."
articulate Winged Elm
i mmediately jumped to
t h e Gambe l Oak' s
defense.
"My giant
friend, the noble
Gambel Oak is referring
to a higher order.
Certainly any large
tree may blindly dwell
in its natural impulses
and neglect any social
responsibility to other
trees, but we are
attempting an
intellectual venture.
!iAY!:
afterlife ."
The
skeptical Bristle cone
Pine
(this
species is
one of the oldest
varieties of trees on
the North Ame rican
Continent, this
particular one is well
over 4,000 yrs. old)
inserted his opinion
into the discussion.
"My good friends, the
Winged Elm and Gambel
Oak, in my youth I used
to look for ward to a
wonderful tree af terlife
but that was at least
three millennia ago .
I
witnessed your
ancestor's birth and
subseque nt death and I
am still alive.
In fact
I have given up hope of
ever dy ing .
I hav e no
good reason to believe I
ever will die.
Consequently, I have no
choice but to suck l i fe
for what i t ' s worth."
A
strange silence spread
r apidly throughout the
circle of tre es .
The
entire s u rrounding
atmosphere seemed
is obvious to us
intoxicated with thought
that we trees have been
a s the trees were
created by a higher
slightly rec lined in
power , what you might
their up r i gh t po s i t i o n s .
refer to as ' God.'
God
The gre at Elm a nd th e
has provided u s with a
gre at Oak d esperate ly
h ealthy challenge to
wanted to avoid slipping
affiliat e ourselves
into tota l tree
with that not so
relativism but with the
addition of the
side
Bris tlecon e Pine's
Th rough
statement, things s eeme d
to b e going in that
wil l
di rec tion. All o f a
a ple asant tree
sudden a bit of
frustration and
\~\
·''
•!, '1.
v
''k
~
�The Protect Allegiance
by Anonymous
around that. They took out a sword
and started pointing it at one of the
graves. The sword was fashioned
completely out of metal. There
was one solid piece that was carved
in With runes and shit. They were
Me: Tell me about the Protect
Allegiance.
Anon.: The Protect Allegiance is a
society of vampires and devil
worshipers. It's everywhere. They
knew that when I joined them, I
was destined for joining them. You
can find them about anywhere in
everyday society. I found them at
the graveyard... Or rather, I should
say that they found me. You can't
find them. If you are going to go
out looking for them, don't go out
unless you have the assistance of
gods behind you, because you ain't
gonna find them. They are some of
the most powerful magic users in
the world. Umm ... So I was in St.
Monica's graveyard, and one of
them came up to me. I was
sleeping on one of the graves. I
like spending time in graveyards.
Umm... And umm... Umm ... They
gave me one of their black robes
and everything, and they showed me
some of their ceremonies. They are
fascinating people. Their job was
to speak to the dead. A lot of the
things that I saw them do were
fascinatinii . They always terrified
me.
very welcoming. All they wanted
· me to do was join hands in the
circle and repeat after the leader.
Most of them were sixteen or
seventeen. A few were my age. A
few were younger. The oldest was
in his late twenties. The leader was
this very tall guy... Kind of
heavyset... Clean shaven face ...
Very pale. They were pointing the
sword at the... The leader... The
guy who was doing it. .. The sword
was probably... About that long
(Three feet.) He pointed it down to
the ground and lifted back up at the
sl")', and then drove it... Wham! Straight down into the grave. Like ·
right on to where the coffin would
have been . Slowly this thing that
looked kind of like a gas was
seeping up through the hole around
the sword. It took form above the
sword in the shape of a person. It
was a fucking ghost, and it was
standing right there. They spoke to
it in a language that I had no
fucking clue what it was. It did not
sound backwards at all. I was
paying attention for it. It did not
sound anything. Umm ... When
they were done, the ghost slipped
back into the ground. Just the
leader spoke to him. After that...
the leader... They all turned and
faced the leader and he told us that
such and such... Whatever the
dude's name was... Had requested
that something be brought to
· 1e: Did·they have human
sacrifices?
Anon: I saw someone get
sacrificed, actually. He was
screami!lg the whole time. This is
- .-::.;~,. the way it worked... They all
gathered around, like, that square,
OK? You know... That big square
in the center of St. Monica's
graveyard? Well... They gathered
hostility began floating
about.
The silence then
conv erted itself into an
extreme tension.
The
Giant Sequoia piped up
b reaking the silence
with some vicious words
directed at the great
Elm and great Oak.
"You flimsy trees
postulate t he existence
of morality whi ch
s upposedly governs us
because you are weak.
The both of you, one
stacked on top of the
other do not even equal
half my height.
You
simply are not good
competitors for
s unlight.
So you try
to convince those who
can get an abundance of
sunlight that it is
immoral.
And you,
Gambel Oak what about
tho se deciduous leaves.
You would think that
God would have endowed
you with leaves that
are able t o last a
l i t t l e longer t h an one
y e a r b efo re th e y
p er i s h."
The Winge d
Elm wa s th o rou ghly
o f fend e d by th e attac k
and d ec id e d to
·r e t a liate poking the
Gi a nt Sequ o ia with one
"If you
ot it s l i mbs .
want t o s t art
c ritici zes o th e r tr e e 's
n a tural e nd o wme nt ,
con s ide r your ow n
o v e rsiz e d self.
I bet
y o u wo ul.d have troubl e
g e tting o ut of y o ur o wn
way."
The Cannabi s
Sa t i v a int er j ect e d
qui t e p e acef ully by
-
-
him ... Like one of those rings or
something like that. He told me
that he was a member of the Protect
Allegiance. He told me that what
they were there for was to speak to
the dead and find out what went
wrong in their lives... What's not
letting them rest... And go correct
it. I decided to leave the group
because they requested me on the
first time that I was going to go
out on one of their little crusades...
I was supposed to kill a man.
Anon: On the fourth meeting. Six
knife-bearers with masks and black
robes all at once stabbed him in a
circle around the heart. I was
terrified. I didn't scream or
anything like that because I didn't
think it was real. Well ... it was. It
was at the Aquadome, actually. It's
a bad place to be.
Me: Did authorities find that?
Anon: No (Quickly.) Authorities
haven't touched them. How are
you going to find them? There's
probably a hundred dead bodies in
that place that no one can find.
They grind up the bones, usually,
and use them for spell-casting
purposes.
Me: Every time they would bring
up a ghost.
Anon: Not every time. The guy
-that we brought up the first time.
We went out and found his ring.
We came back and buried it in the
grave with him. After that, we just
left that one alone, because he said
he'd be OK after that. I went and
saw the aquadome with them one
time. That was really a cool thing.
Me: When did they want you to
kill somebody?
Anon: It was about three weeks
into it when they said, "We want
you to seek out a higher standing.
We want you to seek out a crusade.
It's a very simple mission. We
know entirely who this person is.
We have his entire schedule. All
you have to do is kill him using
this." And they pointed at like a
steak knife or something. Bizarre
thing.
Ic~use
Me: When did you see a human
sacrifice?
Meeting of Stone Giants
I
Oh boy, flowers. I love flowers.
~
Shut up, moe-ron
You're lrnrting my cars. My lovely orbular cars.
.....
Shut up, moe-ron
"'
Suckle from my gaping buttocks!
Shut up, Moe-ron
You just don't understand my sensitive side. I, I love.
Do you understand. r, I love. Love, Jove, love, love,love la, la
smoothly saying, "Man
this is not what
treedom is about.
W
e
trees s hould not
quarrel.
This is the
product of a limited
spectrum of
philosophical
discourse."
The
Cannabis Sativa
p roc eed e d to go on a
long unr e lated tang e nt
which i t was in the
habit of doing but was
ignored and t he
conflict persisted.
A
Shut up, moc-ron
The tape, get the tape. Someone call John Laroquette, and get
a laxative.
"
\
fi e r ce battle b r oke o u t
whic h r e s ulte d in a
sharp d e clin e in t h e
population of eccentri c
trees . Th e next 'l'ree
Convention was not for
a number of y e ar s .
/
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�Reason #183 to Carry Jumper
Cables
So, a buddy and I were sitting in the car, in
the line, at the Taco Bell on PopJar(which will
remain nameless). We go to Taco Bell only
because it is cheap and open late at night.
This time it was about 1 l:OOp.m. We were
shootin' the shit when the woman in the next
car jumped out and trotted over, and stuck her
head in the window. She said nothing but,
"My car's battery just died, and rm stoned."
THAT HAS TO SUCK. Even worse, if she didn't
have the munchies yet, they were about to set
in hard.
..
~~~,)
't
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·
\
\
\
\
My buddy asked if she had cables. No cables.
She asked the car which was ordering behind
us, aJso containing two guys, who didn't have
any cables either. Understanding that we are
1 ~ a drive-through lane, this car was going
nowhere. We tried to roll start the car. The
woman running the drive-through leaned out
the window to watch four idiots pushing a car
towards Poplar at an alarming rate. In
hindsight, realizing how baked this woman
was, it is amazing that she didn't let the car ·.
go out into Poplar, but stopped it just short of
Poplar. The car was still dead.
The Rat: s_ Ass TM is a funkified and
. :
gro~vahc10us undulation of spermicid Ir '
lubricated gre
a Y
f
Y ma tt er t·rlat has been ribbed
1
bo~ p easure. Opinions and funkiness herein
e ong so~eJy to their respective authors ati.d
anyone with a gun who really agrees.
:
·
The woman paid for her food as we watched
the line grow and contemplated the dead car.
The end decision: roll that puppy out into
Poplar and get it in the first parking lot. Of
course, that means pushing a dead car the
wrong way on Poplar, with this stoned woman
at the wheel. We waited for the appropriate
opening, and ran this car into the street and
into the parking lot. The oh-so-helpful Taco '
Bell employees asked if we would be
returning to our cars. My buddy had already
bought the food, and we took off. All he said
on the way back to campus, "That was so
weird, I need a burrito."
DAVE WELLS
Ji
Staff Box
Xaft Minor: folli~le
Fredrica Car
J
Witherfunk~e~~r: jherri
Dave Wells: pubicpee
Neeto Beef U
M'k
rn: bald
Di : Long: bouffant
avid Sears: butt
...
Uue ~ to a r
t
department ;;.:er~ t ~andate or the laealth
serve 'any li~uid subs~ s no longer allowed to
the food debris off t1a:C:;a:!:~e i;: cannot get
mugs (albeit covered with Greek sym:::; !:~~
much .cleaner than our stuff Sine
::.~1i~~e. face In letting you b~ng 11i:s:~1;«>,:~
So I'm t!1~" thth,.e ~ath, we're outlawing all liquids.
' s rs ow Rhodes works.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/b8ca00a9477fa894a491ecae59927394.pdf
b116ca3547161bb83f008025dd185324
PDF Text
Text
I
ll
t
~
~ .. Lv~e-
l\C
~ §_)U~
Word Usage
by: chris brown
z
s
tij
What is the proper usage of a
word, or a string of words?
Some believe that words have
a proper time and place for
use. Others believe that words
can be used for any purpose
and that any limit on word
usage is only a masked
attempt of domination.
Personally, I fall into the
second category. I believe that
words cannot be grounds for
harassment or victimization.
f
'f
Words are not actions. It
seems though that there is a
prevalent conception on
our campus that words are
actions and the wrono
e
usage can get you in trouble if
you cross the boundary of
established usage and
"correctness." There me some
who would disagree with me
and tell me that limitless
boundmies I am invokino
e
would allow for such thinos ac;
e
sexism and racism to rear it's
ugly head in the things we read
and the things we say. Indeed,
this is the case, but such a
perspective also allows for any
type of discourse : feminist.
nationalistic. religious, etc ...
So, the next time I hear
someone lamenting th~ '&ct
that there are words used on
campus that they don't like
maybe what the probl~m '
really is that they don· t talk or
'-1· 11 1•· lif<.e you do. Words may
hml • •11 1 ego, but they sure as
hell don't kill us . .
ll
�f
t
Right which he represents. Get pa~
the "yeah, but he's GOD!" reactio1
because that doesn't cut butter. 11
right is right, and the very Bastion
o'Rightness defies this, then there
is indeed some relativity at work here.
Right is only right when a s~bj~ctive
rlecision is made by an ommsc1ent power.
Stiii with me? Good. If you're not,
read it again, and if you're still not,
dismiss me as a blithering idiot and
eat your goddam food.
If subjectivity exists even in the
most morally pure of atmospheres, then
it certainly exists in heaven, and
by logue, tom
this in tum means that even there,
moral truths will still be debated.
This article will only make sense if
On the bright side, this allows for
certain things are taken for granted,
endless and unrestricted learning,
so play along:
but i for one do not want to hear
-God exists (this i prove with the
"what about in cases of rape or incest?"
following equation:
.
.
for the rest of my afterlife.
when x=2, 3x+ 1[bag oreos]=mfimty;
And that, gentle readers, is why
when 3x+ l=infinity where x=2, things heaven may not be so groovy, unless
are indeed screwed up enough to allow you're willing to accept
for an omniscient, omnipresent, all"it all depends"
powerful deity, assuming one twists
as the Ultimate Answer.
one's oreos -- please feel free to
plug in your own justification for
god's existence, though)
-The bible is right (like i said,
play along)
-Heaven is eternal bliss and peace
among all men and women, or at
least their souls, just like you
learned in sunday school
Okay, enough assuming. Assumptions 1
and 3 would allow for a spiritual
beyond in which relations among human
souls are preserved. The discrepancy
occurs in #3, that everyone is going
to get along. Presumably, this is
because we will all finally know what
is right (in the biggest sense of the
MAYBE SOMEDAY
word) and the little arguments over
MY BRISTLES.WILL BE
abortion, homosexuality, free will vs
determinism, and whether OJ was
really guilty (he wasn't) will no
longer matter. This in itself_is all .
fine and good until assumpt10n 2 is
considered. God gave moses the 10
commandments as a moral code, a set
of what is right and what is wrong for
all to see. This was not "How to Get
to Heaven" by god (since there was no
heaven to consider), but the ultimate
moral ground upon which to make all .
decisions and base all actio~s.
1 ~ . • '<
Yet, god defies the very Ultimate. ·.' , (~ - 1• . .
~
AS GOOD AS PROLON
t:l;i ff
II. . ·1 '\',/rl,li ~'.; J Hr•u ,1ij -~
'I
·'
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\
tl
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,'; 11•Y
.
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l/.( !r/ ',/~ l: >.t !t j
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.'1 111,1'/,/ ·· f~·i[;,i)/1'1\11 1fin 1 n
1"
( '/1 1 B 1 1,1 ~ P urif y
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i
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"'.,~~
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:
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.
Ahhhhhhhhh
-Xaft Minor
Logjam rattrap yellow
Embedded utopia blank
Torid torpid torreadors
Weasel vortex sham
Dazzle wither streetpark
Starkly lit into
' .,
Raspy ranting boulders
l
-• Pogo pebble tease
k''·''
Kansas teller wispy
Dryness over retort
. . Wishes washing wanton
~~~:.:~rt;.;, Stark Jugglmg crazy
·
...
Purple violet desultory
'%:' lii'< Ration razor ringing
ii":
"1~~:t1; ~ Foolproof routing now
't:~4',r;:j Lacky raising open
·,:1::~ Ideal frozen fre1ze
.
· -~~!1 Cattle crushing details
.\ Quarters wrapping knee
Upset grounded fellow
Lost growing ease
Dizzy yonder glasses
Flowing frenzy please
~-'""~···,-.: ........; .. 1. j,':'~
•
,~,~'(!~
~
\.,.,....
hy s la) .1 0 1·1a ll
_ ..J CT r·zrgg
X '~'f
""-~
Implicate me
Bind me
Isolate me
then ignore me.
Surround me
Play me
Use me
then lose me.
�-~
l .olision on Biacktop
by ... uh ... oh yeah, Jay Witherspoon
I . . . OAMMlr!
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE 10 GET AWAY FROM MYSELF.
YESTERDAY, I RAN
AROUND A CORNER AS FAST AS I COULD TO TRY TO LOSE MYSELF, BUT APPARENTLY
A VE:RY FAST RUNNER BECAUSE THE SECOND
I
I
AM
STOF"PED AND TURNED AROUND TO SEE IF
I HAD GOlTEN AWAY FROM MYSELF, THERE I WAS . . . TURNING AROUND LOOKING F'OFl
MYSELF!
"fHEN
I
TRIED SOMETHING SNEAKIER.
I
BEGAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET
VERY DELIBERATELY, FORCING MYSELF TO THINK OF NOTHING BUT MY NEXT STEP, AND
THE NEXT AND THE NEXT, A.ND . . .
CONCRETE .
AND WHEN
I
'TRIP TR.ll.P TRIP TRAP, ' SAID MY FEET ON THE SHARF'
WAS SURE THAT I WAS THINKING OF NOTHING ELSE THAN THE
'TRIP TRAP TRIP TRAP ' OF MY FOOTSTEPS,
I
DARTED TO THE SIDE AND SPUN AROUND,
EXPECTING TO SEE MYSELF TRIP TRAP TRIPPING RIGHT ALONG, UNAWARE THAT
REALLY JUMPED OFF COURSE .
I
HAD
BUT, AS YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED, THERE I WAS,
STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, LOOKING FOR MYSELF.
But instead of myself, all I found was a light
green pick-up truck with rusty patches along the edge of
the hood. It was heading straight toward me. The
street was wet. The brakes were bad. Physics (and the
world physics makes love to) dictated that the truck
would slide across the wet road, heedless of the
personal, social, or economic repercussions that would
follow a collision with my frail body. The sound of
tires sliding on wet blacktop . . . what had I been
thinking about?
Then the music came. Blaring into the dull sky. A groove funky
sprung out of my chest, bounded off buildings, and spiralled into space.
Melodies wound and spun, wrapping their magic around a beat so
straight and. simple: trip trap trip trap. 'lhe tapestry of get down weaved
dull time into music. trip trap trip trap ... SMACK!!!!! I shook my head
and smiled loudly as I found myself and realized I had walked directly
into a wall.
nikhail Gorbachev
from the nefarious mind of the Super Cherry Master ..
/
WHAT IF?
What if an apparition of Richard Halliburton
appeared
at
your
door
and
slooooooooowly whispered in your left
ear, "I'm a monkey junky," and then
sloooooooowly whispered in your right
ear, "They make me feel funky," and then>·-</5:.'· .~ .~t\.
. .
suddenly shouted in your face, "AND YOU~ .':··< '.~1~} 1
SMELL KINDA SPUNKY ! ! " and then jumped ·~.>A.:··
out your window neuer to be seen again?
I~ id1r1 nl
I loll i/Ju r/r111
(<JY\Ap fi'rd' vt~
/
at tJEe-ro BEEF urJ/
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 27, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 11
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 27, 1995. This was the Halloween issue for the Rat's Ass. The front page had Chris Brown discussing 'Word Usage.' Tom Logue tells us why Heaven may not be as good as we think. Also Xaft Minor screams. On the last page Jhay Winterspoon stutterers as he tries to speak about the Blacktop.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Tom Logue, Xaft Minor, Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/eb3d0e130196672276fbe255f0427bc4.pdf
04af5a3e4b140d1ae3a575d49d43a7e0
PDF Text
Text
which declare that things
our sensory organs are
totally incapable of
reg~stering are things
~h1ch do not exist; that
1. The New Way has
1s, t~e New Way is
written its manifesto in a agamst assuming that we
language which does not
are equipped with
utilize prepositionallvsensory organs which in
circumscribedspatiality
prin~iple can perceive al I
(e.g~ , "what's going
that 1s perceivable.
on?", "what's it all
9. The New Way is in
about?").
favor ?f HappySoft
2. The New Way
Sunshme Love Bunnies
endorses products which
and the violence at the
were not produced and
core of even the most
are uncomsumable; the
gentle child.
New Way is not against
10. The New Way
and not for consumer
supports novel octaves
reaction against the mass of Orange and dark
production of Truth and
imbroglios of Purple.
Reality.
11. The New Way is in
3. The New Way
favor of redefining the
encourages apprehending word "definition."
Reality like a felon and
12. The New Way
doing so in a
'
re~nds us that the High
conceptual/linguistic
Pnest of Poetry is Miles
framework which
Davis, and that Ham/et
operates primarily in the
was written by a finite
square root of the 5th
number of monkeys.
dimension and the -2nd
dimension, rather than in 13. Th~ New Way's
mantra 1s not "GO!", but
the usual three.
rather "go ... ".
4 ·The New Way is
better than the Old Way.
5. The New Way is
radically opposed to
conceptually subsuming
the idea of "thouoht"
under the idea 0 {
"I anguage."
6 ·The New Way is in
favor of transcending
both subjectivity and
objectivity; the New Way
o_ poses all apparent
p
epistemological limits
which are a function of
arbitrarily predicated
rationalities.
7 ·The New Way is a
way for the people.
._
~·The New Way resists' · .
mterpretations of Reality ;:~' .
The Knew Weigh
by Stay Jov iall
~$1\tf.il~)~"~~
�,,JhL
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
STOBJ
Tooty Fruity
~o experience with metaphorically eating a banana i
the other night, and
wa~ kind of stumped, s~ i
even in my dream i could
tried rubbing it against my
tell it wasn't a normal
ear and jumping on it but
dream. ·it was an allegory.
t<? no avail · then th~ banana
i knew because I am still
sighed and murmured "he'll
getting flashbacks from
never get it." well, i was
taught never to let a banana
A Pilgrim's Progress.
Anyway, in this dream i
~e condescending to me, so
was really hungry, and
i walk~d over to some guy
had been for a long time.
conveniently placed in the
then i opened my backpack
c<?rn~r of my dream and asked
and inside was a banana,
him if he wanted to buy the
filling the dark interior
Banana of Enlightenment
with an almost glistening
he said sure, but that he
yellow. i was going to
only had 15 cents. i took the
think, 'you know, bananas
money and handed him the
shouldn't be this bright,'
banana, and then went to a
but couldn't because it
g7ocery store that have those
wasn't really significant
little machines in the front
to the allegory, so instead and bought myself a really
i thought, 'wow, i've been
colorful hi-bounce ball and
carrying this around the
an adorable plastic ring.
whole time and didn' t even
they make me happy.
know it!' and then the
but i still think it's .neat
banana spoke to me, which
:hat the s<?urce of all truth
i knew was strange but didn't >resented itself to me in
want to tell the banana that. .he form of a phallic symbol.
tom logue
the banana said "peel me,"
so i did, and all of a sudden
everything was filled with
the purest and brightest
light i had ever seen, nay,
experienced in my life. the
banana looked like it was
golden. i was kind of
freaked out, because i knew
eating gold was bad for you,
but remembered it was just a
dream. and then, before i
could do anything else, the
banana commanded me again:
"eat me." well, what do you
tell a golden banana? i
raised it to my mouth and
it almost screamed "no, no,
you dumbass! that was meant
metaphorically, remember this
is an ALLEGORY. " well, having
...,~
IMHO all networds are
stupid. A netword is a word
frequently used in Internet
lingo. Nctword is a
netword, and I hate
networds. Other words that
I don't care to mention. Likt.
Internet, WWW, cyber-,
netiquette. FYI, I work on
the Internet everyday ; ) I
know networds, I know
nctiquette. I hate it. HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN FLAMED
BY SOMEBODY WHO
UI'
llY TllE
~
1I
·
~~~'~~:~:~::~::~ion Age, ~~
E N l·..\I Y
" Ahhh!, what a
pleasant afternoon!", thought
Ed to himself. A wonderfully
refreshing breeze would slide
by every now and then as he
strolled boldly along the
highway leading to the local
bar. He was conducting
conversation with himself as he
usually did when he was alone.
It provided him with what he
referred to as 'stable
feedback' . His therapist tried
upon many occasions to
convince him that he had
multiple personalities but he
insisted that he had only one
personality containing two
distinct perspectives. He
found this extremely
convenient because he could
always consult himself for
another viewpoi nt. His steps
were firm and deliberate, for
he was ovenvhelmcd with
confidence as he made his way
'
to The Pleen(the local bar).
Sometimes he would give
himself poor advice but
, ,.- ·
noticed that it worked in cycles
, I
and that good advice was
--" '· . \
certain to follow these periods.
/
\ '··1,,
Yesterday he was in his private
;
lab when he got the glorious
I
idea to rid himself of that
/
horridly annoying step-son of /
his. He whipped up a lethal
/
substance that would be close i
to impossible to trace. After ( · )
consulting himself he spik~ \ , ________/
the glass which he had decided
his step-son would sure to
drink from but to his surprise
it was his wife who consumed
it and croaked shortly after. It
was terribly unfo11unate, he
killed his wife and still had to
deal with that insane little
bastard. It was quite possibly
the worst decision he had ever
made. Looking on the
positive side of l~lC !nci~e~1t, he
was incapable ot n11sgu1dmg
himself today. So he pedalled
/
-
NETWORDS WON'T GET.
,
The info b a h n h as enough of
that as it is.
l·.f\;l ·. :\ llE S S ll ,\1.1. NOT LEAVE IN TllEE ONE sruNE Ul'ON A NOTllE!t" : E TllEl.l.IEl(S CllUHClf , HI.OWN
·~
THINKS THEY ARE
COOLER THAN YOU
BECAUSE THEY SPEND
ALL THEIR TIME SITTING
IN FRONT OF A
1 ~
·
COMPUTER LIKE I DO,
·~
,_,
AND THAT GIVES THEM
....
THE RIG HT TO SCREAM
~
AT YOU BECAUSE THEY
KNOW MORE ABOUT
NETIQUETTE? DO YOU
FEEL LIKE I'M
SCREAMING AT YOU
RIGHT NOW? ACTUALLY
l'M JUST WRITING. If you
ever decide to start your
own Internet consulting
firm, Web design firm, or
"'~
access provider please, as ~. . , _t_i,,:,i~.l,j
<
1...... . .....~1
most people seem inclined \'ih<:;/Bv
futuristic-sounding made-up
word like cyberlink,
netscape or vantck 8 ( And
if you ever develop a FAQ
for people to learn
something, don't call it a
FAQ (FGS - that stands for
For God's Sake, and I just
made it a netword : )THE
BOTTOM LINE IS, IF YOU
KNOW NETWORDS (AS
EVERYONE SHOULD)
DON'T USE THEM TO SAY
. THINGS NOBODY WHO
DOESN'T KNOW
T lll N E
by Dave Sears
NO NETWORDS. KNOW NETWC :'DS
by ross gohlke
more story at a lower price! see inside for details!
! was having a dream
lumsell along, watclung the
cars increase in speed as they
.
.approached J1im. In the
distance he could sec a human
or something stretched across
the ground. He pedalled faster
lo satisfy his curiosity. A
teenage boy lie on the ground
exhibiting some very odd
behavior. His body alternated
between catatonic episodes and
inch worm like movements.
Ed was bafl1ed at this sight and
began to speak with himself
about this display.
"This is rather peculiar, what
do you make of this here
Pecauw
"Pickin' up hitchhikers" 14-0CT-1995 07:46:23.01
·,
; ..
.
'/
'
.'
·!
.··
)
.,·
i ..·' '
....
.'
/
/
/
scene. So he continued hi ~
walk to gel a beer which he
needed more than ever nm\
was still about 15 minutes
away by ftx)L He spoke wi ,
himself some more to pass 1
time more quickly.
"What was wrong with that
lad. That crazy bastard wa ~
yanking his body apart."
"I would assume that he wa
111 a bad mood or somclhin:
"WIIAT!! That was a little
more extreme than a bad
mood. fic' s probahly back
there ripping the rest of
Lad."
himself lo pieces."
'Tm not sure I know what
1-Ie was abou{ to pass a little
your talking about."
residential area that didn't
"Arc you not aware of this lad look inviting. Again to his
here before us doing crazy
surprise a nice gentlemen
things with his body?"
approached him .
"I don't see a boy before us" "Whazup bro? "
The boy then began to foam
The man lhrOw his hand out
heavily from the mouth and
for a little friendly shake. 01
proceeded to rip his fingers.
side of his jacket opened
off one by one. He threw Ins slightly so that Ed noticed
fingers at Ed's face landing
some gold watches and a bag,
one right in his ear. The
of sugar.
exposed knuckle tic*d the
"Say mayne, you'awnt need
inside of his ear and sent a
keep better track yourself, ol,
chill throughout his body.
boy here take care ya"
"Alright, you've got a serious ''I'm not certain what your
fucking problem if you don't asking me."
feel this dismembered finger
"I hear ya bro, looking for ;;
in our ear"
little pecauw"
"Actually I was kidding with The meu whipped out the
you. I noticed this boy on the plastic bag of sugar. Ed
ground all along. I didn't
thought to himself, "Am I
expect him to start flinging his running low on sugar? I
fingers at us though."
wonder if this fellow is .
The boy had exhausted his
offering a good deal."
supply of fingers on his left
A police officer was driving
hand and moved on to his
by, stopped, cuffed the man
toes. Ed realized it was
and hauled him off before b
probably time to exit the
could even find out how mut
he was charging.
"That's really unfortunate, I
guess its illegal tu sell sugar
without a proper license, wlwi
do you think"
"I think your a moron. Thai
man was not selling sugar"
He ignored himself for the n:
of the journey. All he really
wanted at this point was to ha
a beer but unfortunately the
bar was closed by the time he
got there .
He began to walk back only 1
realize that his imagination IL
gotten the best of him today.
He had been sitting on his
couch all along planning a tri
to the bar.
�Unrelated Titl e:
Everything is Related
TO GOTO HELL
by Jay-baby Withe rsp oon
Do nothin~! .You 've already done enough! "For the
wages of sm is death ;" Romans 6 :23a .
As I walke d down the street, I noticed something at my feet. I 1irst
looked around, and then back down. It was furry and cute, and nestled right
up to my boot, until I squashed its cute little furry face with my big-ass steeltoed boot, and mashed it with my heel a little more to make sure that every
last rhyme oozed out of its fluffy little cute furry face, and then I picked it up
and ate it just to spite its memory. It tasted cute.
And then, as I stepped around the next corner, which a few days
earlier, unbeknownst to the reader of this sentence or the coroner's office
around a different corner, had been the location of swirling winds, I spied
with an acute eye, trained through years of imaginary wanderings through
the hallowed temples of nonsensical clauses, and still quite unbeknownst to
the coroner's office, a sight which called forth in my mind, most hallowed in
its hallowing of frightening experiences, oh dear God, I am afraid of this
sentence, a beast not nearly so calm and cuddly as the afore-mentioned,
which now being quite squashed into a pulp whose uneaten parts remains
untouched to this day in the office of our hallowed coroner, who still does
not know his own sphincter from a black hole, but a beast with a frightful
gown of black and a flat hat and large teeth and wide mouth, staring straight
into my eyes, looking for its next witless victim. But I busted his shit up, too.
Whap! Poweel I said. Blom! and Kershmack! And I took my big-ass boot
and, with but a few concise motions, knocked every blooming clause out of
him. He tasted like rhetoric.
I moved onward, my steps ringing in my ears like so many clanks of
life's lonely bell, taking me into the dark unknown of my future. When I saw
the third and last beast (for now), with eyes through which one could see the
very brink of eternity, fear stole across my frame and danced a jig across my . spine. But I rose to the challenge with the determination of a young chick
hatchling, shoving back the protective shell of innocence to faco a bright
world whose slings and arrows might find their mark on my soul, but only to
scar my tender skin and make it stronger. Or, suffice it to say I also kicked
his ass. I crammed my big-ass continent of a boot right into his puny little
mouth and watched pathetic cliched poetry fly from his bloodied lips. He
tasted like a can of gooey worms.
MTICLE
_
turtl!1~o::x~ ~~~=:~.p:h::~:p:Yo}~~:~o~~~:~t; ~;~ t:Je~~; :~;~· £1fS?~i~~~t.~ ~\'
my
love, my boot love, my croon of - - my sounds. So kick 1t on down to the
..;
. ·
sound mound, a round mound of sound, and bound around. I'm down with
·~·
sound, and use it for my own pleasure and purposes. Porpoises spit, flom
bip, flap crip, but always sit shimmy.
The preceding sounds and subsequent thought undulations were
brought to you through a bitchin' assembly and cooperation of millions of
tiny neurons and corpuscles. Hope your own chemical/electrical reaction
was a good on~~
:.;:~-', _~~~~,0~~
..... ·
\
\
·~~
'J
~
An artist's conception of the vertical-rising, disc-shaped aircraft
being developed by the U .S. Air force and resembling the
popular conception ot the " flying saucer."
Staph Box:
~
·
W
THE RAT's Ass™
'"
itherspoon - spoon
p
IS A PHOUNDATIONAL
tom logue - moon
o:~::HORESCENCE OF PHUNKT!ONALLy
. .
NKED PHONDNEss PH
ta yJOVla II - h diddle diddle
s
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AlT
.
AILURE TO
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RI BUTE THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED
.~
HEREIN SOLELY TO THEIR AUTI;
i'~l
dave Sears - fiddle
RESULT IN A
ORS WILL t)~i
t..
PHALLACY OF PHENOMEN
!ri;(!
ross go hi 1\1: - cow
PHREQUENCY AND PHOR...
AL Jiff~
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 22, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 22, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass had "Please Don't Laugh" written on it. The front page has Stay Joviall giving a list of "The New Way." Dave Sears talks about Pecauw. On the last page Jhay Witherspoon tells us how "Everything is Related."
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Dave Sears, Ross Gohlke, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/7e6d95e8615f320f850502a0176c1fcd.pdf
47c911d17217ea1ce29038310523fc37
PDF Text
Text
Fecal Material Saves Lives: Doo your
'I
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
"Pickin' up hitchhikers"
p~
29-SJ.<...
STOBJ
fisticuffs
Tyson ain't Shit
your friendly neighborhood tom logue
I by
The munnur of the crowd grew to a dull roar as the sound of the bell
pierced the muggy air in the stadium. The fight was on! This was
it, rumored to be the biggest fight of the year, and there were bets
from here to Buenos Aires on it. On the left, Civility, wearing red
shorts and weighing in at 595 pounds. On the right, Morality, in
blue and a trim 340 pounds. They closed in, and Civility rumbled,
"Be nice to that Rhodent! So what if he's annoying and likes to talk
about his SAT scores? Try to see things from his point of view;
maybe he's just feeling insecure." Morality blocked this easily -he had seen it coming a mile away. The response: "But by being nice
to him even though I despise him, I am being untrue to myself, and
since the only truth I know is my own subjective truth, I am conunitting NoTIOK.-Oddo·1L11d·End1ot nm1uN
the worst crime of all!" Civility's head whipped back, a fine spray of · · :· · · ·· ".·:~ · ·· · ··
blood flying from the nose, as the blow almost knocked him to the
,
ground. Collecting his wits, he tried a quick jab: "The only way to
~
get ahead in life is to show respect to others so that they will do the ,
./ ,
same to you." Morality sidestepped, then rushed forward and delivered
~
c:
z
a punch to the stomach, "By respecting everyone on the same level
regardless of their actions, you demean yourself, deceive the other
- ~
c:
person, and denigrate the concept of respect. Like that pompous prof
you always smile and nod to because otherwise he'll fail you." Civility
~
teetered, his torso bright red from the blow and the blood dripping
down from his face, and drew his hands in front of his face in defense.
.
"The bible says to love thy neighbor!" Morality stepped back, dodged
the wild swing, and didn't even bother to respond. It was obvious his
opponent was faltering, and he had some pity. But Civility tried to
continue: "I was taught to be polite, and I'm going to be polite! How
would you like it if everything in life were based on people's actual
opinions of each other? And shouldn't you have some consideration
for the feelings of others, huh, Morality?" The sarcasm in this last
question caused a rush of anger to our blue- clad hero, and he spun
around one last time, lightning- fast, with "I'm just here for a few
years, and i'm useless to myself and everyone else if all i do is bend
to the whims of others. I'm not going to waste my breath being nice
to assholes just to avoid offending them." Morality stood back and
watched Civility spin around in the ring before falling to the ground.
And as the ann of Morality was raised triumphantly into the air, the
Rhodes student walked around with a silly grin on his face, flicking off
everyone who said hi to him.
And he felt good.
•
An~over is better than ·none .when the tall out rams down
=
,...
=
·...
ANYONE
F0~1 · ~
ANYTHING?~
,.,.
�THE RAT' S
Ass,,.
.. -11111.-.---·
Lack
IS A THERAPEUTIC METAPHOR
OF METAMUNICIPAL MATRIMONY HARMONIZED IN
THE INT£REST OF THE GREATEST POSSIBLE GOOD.
by Davicl Scars
OPINIONS AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, OUR SPECIALTIES,
STEM PURELY FROM THE UMBIC SYSTEMS OF
THEIR RESPECTIVE AUTHORS, SO IF YA BY
CHANCE TAKE OFFENSE AT DA KONTEHTS,
SETTLE
rr WITH
THE INDIVIDUAL. AND GET A
LIFE.
\lttaatllf BllOOXX
. JJ Evon•
J 1ney Witherap<>On ' Druuunond
w·11·
s
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lll
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Dove
Lo111ont Sonford.
RAmt s: '
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Geo-rge J e££ereon
To111 Logu~' n .J Hus:to'ble
l t K.101re ' I'Ul y
1' oneJ . ll s Fot Albert
Stoy
I 23·. s.
;;r:f
10
FEELIN' REAL
BY JHEY WITHERSPOON
~·
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1.
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~ ~·~
·~
CONFINED ·1 .sHErr£f :\ . ·: eriiif
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TRI~ ollT ;·/!. .
DECONTAMINATE
' .. '
·
· ·· · · ·; .. -- · AS FALLOUT COOLS OFF a1 1rad1fahon decr~a!~d
nd
you can safely leave s 1e ter or 1
onge1
LEAVE SHELTER
eriods. Chart is based on fallout that,
wh~n f~sh emits 6,000 roentgens per hour.
•
I
I
Q)
MUST HAVE BEEN A SCREAMING DEE.JAY .
IT IS OFTEN VERY DISORIENTING WHEN MY SENSES GET SWITCHED AROUND AND REWIRED,
BUT BECAUSE I WAS TAUGHT FROM A VERY EARLY AGE THAT EVERY ll-tlNG IS
ALL
RIGHT EVEN IN
STATES OF UTTER CONFUSION, I AM ALWAYS ABLE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETiiER AND GO wm-1
WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN ME,
I TURNED MY HEAD DOWNWARD AND LISTENED TO THE FLAT, RELAXING BASS TiiAT WAS MY
ROOM.
I
TI-lEN TURNED OFF MY ALARM BY LOCATING THE STRONGEST POINT OF LIGHT IN THE
IT WAS A CAR COMMERCIAL :
RED AND ORANGE SPLASHES SMACKING MY RETINAS INTO
CONSUMER SUBMISSION .
AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK WHICH ALWAYS ACCOMPANIES SENSORY SWITCHING, I DECIDED
.JUST TO EN.JOY TI-lE MUSIC THAT MY BODY MADE ,
Cf)
E'
t
-.J
.-
:'5"
0
~I
c
'>.... :::s
~
I snacl. on the remains as I re~lize
is happening
DANK NOTES AND HARMONIES FILLED MY EARS AND EVEN SPILLED INTO MY ·
OLFACTORY ORGANS, SO TiiAT I SMELLED MY MOTION AND TASTED TiiE TANTALIZING FUNK OF MY
ANATOMY'S GROOVE.
I DECIDED TO SKIP SCHOOL TiiAT DAY .
I WATCHED MUSIC AND HEARD MYSELF FUCKING GET DOWN.
sumptuous shakin and rump bass bumpin toothu light wave wawa
rolling round happy slappin sippin the fly fluid funky GET DOWN
bright night light shinin sweet feet steppin out, damn/ I
swingin hard feelin far, notes slippin drippin off my arm
can't stop body flop singin dreamin 'bout the world
and feel so real. I feel so FEEL/ so I wow down round the sound
to eat up motion mangoes and stare at caca congas
that came to flop top dibby on the flip bap shimmy
blap lam goddam, grip this jimmy.
now sounds found a town round and down spin around.
I found. I sound. I am music.
.
Wi~'1'
.
l
.
.
--
····
wJ1at
NOTfl!ING, lmt it is awefufly pleasant
·Sometimes, he dreams that
he marches, and
in between the locksteps,
daydreams and remembers
scents and touches, soft light
a dripping, and po.Jka-dots
glittering and mask-like
askew glances at ephemera
clattering and reptilian
balanced or serene
wonderment over nothing
the melting of ice, because it fits,
and pieces of someone's hair,
shuttered and lacking
or maybe just in the wav.
o.oe Star Deer
I sceaJ T ·shuts
I like the smell
ot rnurs
ther remind me
when 1· m alone.
Ifell asleeyrhe first time
in a blur o white .
primed words were
jibberish in mydaze,
J
Sometimes, he's eavesd ropped
on towns or docks,
sticky, or sprawHng
imderlining the important bits.
COAGULATE!!!
Sometimes, he'd be magnanimous,
wishing for some old mao
..
or gamepekes worn with use
often shrill, but never unfogged
a has-been, admiring ether
coalesced into invisibility,
and spinning headlong,
heated and wary
supposedly yellow or perhaps white
· a number of forgotten momenta
•weathered loose, rotting
and rarely escaping their targets,
with promise and fortitude
crumbled and delayed
into a heap of smelly metaphor.
U!~iiii\\\\'l•}•··~· ..
We got spirit!
Yes, we do!! We got spirit! How 'bout you!!
Cracked . dry hands
on my forehead .
I cutt' t geuhe Clash
out of mv stereo
or you out of my head .
FEELING MY LIMBS AS I WALKED AROUND TiiE
ROOM WAS SOMETHING LIKE PLAYING RHYTI-lM GUITAR .
THEN I DANCED.
NORMAL LIFE
)on er
THIS MORNING, MY CLOCK RADIO AWAKENED ME Wini A BURST OF INTENSE LIGHT TiiAT
FLOOR .
E
-Ramt Oxinf
ovsA
cj~'* iL :
-t~·~· · ~
· :. .,.: ·
1
,
L 3 · .~
2
:1 .· .;,"·· 4·.< 'ii~ WEEKEj]a .
·, c
HOURS[U]
'"
0)
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!Sometimes
i
T J1e furniture sits very still aga.inst the walls
N o ex11rcssiou Jies in t he grains of any piece
The persistent ringing mutilates silence
Memo1·ies of similar scenes linger
Patternecl emotions thrust tlirougl1 the
a6nospl1ere into my ln·aiu
Intense delusions proc
luce powe1·ful
sensations of clelight
I know it was cold then
I heard people walking
by outside .
but 1' m not bald anymore
andvouactuallybeiieYe
I m 'a girt.
'
\Vhen I met you yesterday .
YOU swum
d o'ie
,
ihroug h the chick.
air.
in
Burring myfoce
into the thin cloth
of vour shitt
the salty dampness
seeps through to m sbn.
r
I' l1 neYer get the Clash
It's 3:15 a.m.
Where is your fungus?
om of mv stereo.
�SEASIDE.-
07.0NE I
OZO:m I OZONE: I
T l1t1,0 • h'lY-l11• la J orhrnthnlr,,,.1ftn<1• ··f•1'.l•1,,,,1.J A',.ll·•r.1 I
11·.."'uOt•ll ol Tilr.f l"'"ur u ... r<1r<1m1n<!a•"''' Ln r •ko ~h., U'nl1
lt11.11, •• to bf-h11•l o1_!f, ~t on,\~•nr.1.~ HoT~r.,
i°"
~l. L1uirr('ll("l .. llll · l~·:1, 1~1~ o! 1 ·~ ·111rt.
Tock Sat on a Raft In a Sea of Rats
1n~~r~ 4~~'!~tt0,..~~~:,f 1 ~':.;'!~~,~~~·H••.·1.,• In &iu1 .llu~J l\re ril'tl.1m
by stay jovinll
And Tick looked on from the shore,
helpless as a buttonless stopwatch;
Tock wailed lonely
and Tick remained,
cutting himself with the past.
Tock called out "Surprise will fall through your f~ce.
with the sound of rotten mellon nppmg
when your money-changer's tables
are overturned in the temple
of Eternal Now
by the push of a simple mirror,
and yet still,
you will remain oblivious
and I will be the victim ..."
--
So there's a bald guy. And
people keep telling him how
bald he is. So he has "I
know" tattooed on his scalp.
People now tell him there's
something written on his
forehead. "Really?" he says.
"I 'II be damned." And he
was right. No matter what he
did, he WAS damned. So he
went around in a devil
costume, damning himself all
day long. "Damnit" he would
say. "Damn me to hell."
Nobody told him he was bald
anymore, because what if he
were Satan? When he died,
he went to hell, damnit. And
the autopsy was perfonned on
his costumed former self. A
clumsy new a<;sistant dropped
formaldehyde on him.
·."_;~
/\1 /: .,-
(5:::;:c
, ._ ~-~ .•\1
/~~~pS~~t,~fted· th"e .cJumsy
new assistant. Down m hell
was felt a cold splash on the
legs. It assuaged the intense
pain. "Don't worry" said the
head mortician. "I don't think
he knows you spilled that
formaldehyde on him." A
chuckle. Then the head
mortician went to the head of
the table to examine the head
of the dead satan-likc man.
He was aghast, and lost his
head. "You're fired" he told
the clumsy new assistant. "I
know" replied the newly
homeless fired man. "I'm on
fire" said the knowledgeable
man in his new home.
"You're homeless for a
reason," said the businessman
to the homeless man.
,
"You're on. fire for a reason"
said the knowledgeable man'
to the newly arrived
businessman. "What's the
reason?" screamed the blazing
businessman in crazed
confusion. "It's none of my
business." He was of course
being coy. He knew.
'
MANUAL ALPHABET
LEARN TO TALK TO \'OUR FRIENDS
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 6, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 8, 1995. On the front page Tom Logue discusses on why we should be a Friendly Neighborhood. Jhey Witherspoon tells us why he skipped school. Ramt Oxinf talks about his daydreams. On the last page D.C. Drake tells us a story about a balm man who went around damning people.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Jhay Witherspoon, Ramt Oxinf, David Sears, Stay Joviall, Planet Klaire, D.C. Drake
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/29c4a2deff9c4ad7cf00da91a3c5c752.pdf
bf8716168a88713ecee90830e4631757
PDF Text
Text
'•
A Dialogue
Angry Reader:
I FIND THE RAT's Ass™
FRIVILOUS, OB.JECTIONABLE AND OBSCENE .
WHY DO YOU FORCE ME TO READ
11?
Rat's Ass™ Spokesperson: First of all it
is very difficult for the composers of
the Rat's Ass™ to acknowledge the
existence of other people, much less
attach any importance to their
opinions. Those we do acknowledge
we see as purely for our
entertainment, and take great
pleasure inwatching them squirm.
As a matter of fact I feel as if
I'm engaging in a conversation with
myself right now. Your own
weakness forces you to read it. We
have ceased hiring thugs to increase
our circulation, although it is
commonly brought up in the
meetings of our cabal.
A
BEAUTY!
c!lra.1/
A.R.:
l'M SPEAKING TO A PERVERTED BUTT-
PIRATE WHO IS FOND OF LITTLE BOYS!
Narrator: The Angry Reader is reduced
to Nothingness, and restored as a
donkey testicle with a slightly angrier
voice.
A.D.T.:
<MUFFLED> WHAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM? I'M NOW ENCLOSED IN A
A.R.:
BUT WHAT OF JOURNALISTIC
SCROTUM!
RESPONIBILITY TO THE COMMUNITY?
R.A.™S.P.: Are you not listening? We
don't recognize Community as an
operative concept. Especially not
capitalized. Our responsibility is to
the Rat's Ass™, except some of us,
who place their dedication in deitites
of our own creation.
R.A. ™S.P.: You are asking about my
concern for your opinions? I can take
you more seriously in your current
form.
A.D.T.:
I OB.JECT TO YOUR USE OF THE
ADVERTISEMENTS FROM Goo-FEARING
TIMES, TO YOUR AVANT-GARDE
TYPOGRAPHY, AND TO THE PORNOGRAPHY
A.R.:
WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS NEGATIVE CRAP
ABOUT Goo?
IT'S OBVIOUSLY .JUST A
BUNCH OF SHIT.
CONTAINED IN YOUR PUBLICATION.
IT'S
KIND OF NICE IN HERE.
WE ALL KNOW THE
TRUTH.
R.A.™S.P.: Blasphemous Bastard. Are
you aware to whom you are
speaking?
Narrator: Rat's Ass™ Spokesperson
giggles at the squirming sack, and
destro s it a ain.
GO!!
�WHAT TH£ SCIENTISTS HAVE
A Response To Red·emption - hy: chris hrown
For (the son
<1f) 111<11111111.1 he
·1
TO~ .
Sheepish Logarhythm
slain
by Stay Joviall
S11LL Loo King 4 a savior - save your (asS)
Rhythm: metrical movement or flow
as detennined by the recurrence of
features of the same kind fr. L
rhythmus or F. rhythme -Gr.
rhuthm6s, rel. to rhein flow. (_
it is so easy to criticize a stranger: a nigger, a jaw, an addict.
ReCkLEss Youth : LoSTsOUL
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
THe knowledge <faged hones they know not (sigh)
The following excerpt from Gregor Samsa's
journal is to be used for our next class
1 meeting as a paradigm of Animistic Butter
Fluttonizationism. Please come to class
• ..._~ prepared to discuss the sex, gender, and
object choice implications of a functiona l
and a p riori deconstructive reading of this
text in Sanskrit.
"Tching prayed on the mountain and
wrote MAKE IT NEW
on his bathtub.
Day by day make it new
cut underbrush
pile the logs '
keep it growing."
-Ezra Pound, Cantos #53
Will you let
me be
YouR saViOuR?
Fill you with (a) LI {F} E ..
L.L.I
Q..
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOG
OGOGO!
c:::> I
::C
Maybe it was my fault. I mean, I was the one that got
.- ~p and put on all black. l pulled my hair up into a bun
~
antj put o n my most serious face before I stepped out
c:::> of the house. I suppose, though, that my first
encounter with small Japanese children has since
shaped my later encounters ...some warped kiddie
hermeneutic. Akiko-chan, my ho st-sister's friend,
came to the house for the sole purpose of viewing me.
Herro ... Look at her hair ' And her while ski11. Gosh,
she really is a gaiji11. Listen to her ji11111y
accent... make her sc~v more ...That was manageable
because Akiko-chan was so cute. Then her three yearold sister peered ·around the corner to see me. She
c:::C flattened herself against the far wall and edged
towards me. I smiled and she wailed . I felt like
Medusa. She cried for ten minutes, unable to leave the
room o r listen to her mother, who also came to view
me, as she tried to give her a cookie and quiet her I
couldn't leave the room, because I would have scared
her to death had I moved an inch. So I sat at the table,
miserable, because I caused the nervous breakdown of
a small child.
As you read these words
'
my existence is propelled.
CAN
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!
oWN
you
go gou pt. went, pp.gone twalk·
move along, proceed. OE.gan, pr~.
ga,gcest, pl.gap, ppgegan + OFris.
gan, gen, pres. 3sgget(h),geith, pp.
gen, OS. -gan, inful/gan accomplish
(Du.gaan), OHGgan pres.gam,
gas, gat, games, gat, gant, andgen,
pres. f!em, ges, etc. (Ggehen), CrimGothicgeen (not in the Gothic of
?
Wulfila).
GOGOGOGOGOGOGOG
OGOGO!
taff Box
Jay Witherspoon: soap
Ann Mccranie: towel
Dave Sears: toothpaste
Chris Brown: shaving cream
Martin Fox: razor
Stay Joviall: water
The Rat's Ass is a student-produced
publication planted among the many
others on this campus by unseemly
and manipulative powers greater than
all of us. There are no restrictions
on what is published, and should
you be offended by its contents,
take issue with the staff and anticipate certain morphological/animalislic transformations occurring.
Have a nice day.
9l&ll
AGENTS,COME and EXA~flNl~
I
An Invent!on urgently ne_ded by every body, or sample•
e
eent free by mail for 50 els., which retail• for $G ea•lly, by
R. L. WOLCOTT, No. 170 Chatham &1unre, N. Y. .
Then came the hordes of little children that I passed
everyday. They all wear the cutest little unifom1s, but
don't let anybody tell you that uniforms create a wellbehaved child. As I sat down one day in the park
reading an assignment, two little girls approached me
and pulled at my hair. They were obviously not
frightened. I turned around and after a moment's
hesitation, ate them both They were quite tasty, but I
would say that in picking out small children, footwea r
should be given the utmo st attention
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Subscribe for GO Sanitary Commission Pack~s, and
get 1 No. 6 American Album Watch Free. Total, $15.
100 Pacbgcs, $25-1No.10 A. A. Wa;ch and 50 Phot0graphs Free. Every Package con;a1ns ~O Rare Cnrio•itios of Art, nsefal to all, and mil ea81ly pay 500
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po.,
Fat Boy Feigns ti!.'liet in the Humor of Absurdity:
A Pen;onohty Te<! •
by Jay Witherspoon
9
What type ot personality do you have?
Tdon't know.
b) Ask my genetalia.
c) Get ott my case, you sack of ... (caustic slur ot
choice)!!!
d) IJoo-doo balls.
e) Youtl'llme.
a)
What does the word ;;undulate" remind you of?
a) Mom.
b) Hey, look!! I formed a tent-like structure in my
pants!!
c) Smegma.
What would you do in the event of thermonuclear war?
a) Stock up on creamed corn. I love creamed com.
b) Get wasted.
c) Dt·creasP in mass.
d) NUfHING.
e) Phlegm.
What do you bt·lieve to be the worst problem
with tht• world today?
a) I just can't get close to someone when they
smel I.
b) I cannot reconcile my belief in a benevolent,
omnipotent Creator with my longing for the
carnal pleasures of creamed com.
c) Everyone in the world should be more like me.
d) Undulation.
e) My sack is caught in my zipper!!l!!i!!!!!
What articles are in your pockets right now?
I lw elixir of everlasting orgasm and about
thirty-seven cents in change.
b) My booger collection.
c) Hey, my Rocket's in there!
J) You think I carry a newspaper around in my
pants?
l') Why don' t you come over here and find out?
<1)
i
~ ·~
J~i~
•.
' li A~.
··ti
CQ11
..
What is your favorite name for excrement?
a) Mom.
b) Brown creamed corn.
c) This question.
d) Television.
e) I allow my teces to name themselves.
1 think you are nice. Do you like me, too?
a) Eat my brown creamed com, spunky.
b) You do have a superb foreskin.
c) Is this a trick question, huh? What do you
want from me, freak?
What do you think about the following poem?
Hmmm
Ahhhh
I like to
run my fingers
through the gauntlet
that is my crotch.
And speak to him
in perfect Italiano.
a) Would someone mind telling me what the
hell is going on?
b) It is a childish attempt at humor, and the
author should attempt to gain some sort of
literary ability before he insults my
intelligence again.
c) HaHaHaHa. He's talking to his pecker!!
RESULTS:
You are weird.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, September 8, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 04
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from September 08, 1995. The front page of this issue features a debate between an angry reader named 'Angry Reader' and the Rat's Ass Spokesman names 'Rat's Ass Spokesperson.' Stay Joviall tells us 'What The Scientists Have To Say.' On the last page Jay Witherspoon talks about the Humor of Absurdity.
Creator
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Stay Javiall, Ann McCranie, Jhay Witherspoon
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass