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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2274c41262b6a4b2f59d42e30733b397.pdf
78da745305c87cbb9411b0ea888009f4
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The original mixed
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l lj_he Original
'6'•t SCofCh.
VOLUME 3 ISSUE 7, OCTOBER 20, 21 A.D. J. (anno diamond jiin)
EXCLUSIVE FOR-THE-BENEFITOF-THE-BOARD ISSUE
An open letter to the trustees,
or, Everything's fine
by Clay Combs
Esteemed men:
Welcome once again to
our fair college, the Holy of
Holies in the Mid-south's
Temple of Higher Education .
Know that your efforts have
helped place Rhodes atop a
heap of highly competitive
regional institutions, in a
position of esteem and
intluence unchallenged as far
East as Germantown, as far
West as Hot Springs. We
thank you.
Rhodes maintains the
highest standard of excellence
in all things, to such an extent
that your visit has occasioned
no special preparation. The
Rhodes you glimpse as you
stroll from meeting room to
meeting room is the true
Rhodes, in all its glistening
workaday luster. The Rhodes
you hear administrators
describe is the true Rhodes.
The meal you take in the
Refectory is the true Rhodes.
We have nothing to hide
from you, members of the
Board.
There are no tensions
between
f aculty,
administration, and students.
Instructors feel complete
freedom to teach their courses
as they see fit, without
pressure
from
the
administration to endorse a
certain point of view. They
feel the same freedom to
fraternize with students outside
the classroom in any social
context. Students and faculty
agree wholeheartedly with
administration decisions about
tenure and faculty evaluations
via the SIR forms.
All student groups feel
themselves an integral part of
the campus community. The
tradition-rich (some say,
similarly, outmoded) system of
fraternities and sororities does
not fracture the campus into
cliques built on socioeconomic
status and manufactured
bonhomie as it does on lesser
campuses. And the minority
issue has been satisfactorily
resolved; Rhodes may not look
just like America, but we
certainly look more like
America than we did a couple
of years ago. And we think
that's good enough. It should
at least keep bothersome civil
liberties groups at bay for a
The new multimillion-dollar
gymnasium will add the .
finishing touch 10 an acclaimed
Everyone
physical plant.
agrees that all academic
programs at Rhodes are as
strong as they should be, and
that, therefore, pouring effort
into raising funds for a gym is
justified and necessary.
In short, everything's fine at
Rhodes. Any murmurs of
discontent you may hear am1c1
the cheering are only the
rumblings of one or two
disgruntled, socially inept and,
probably. atheistic miscreants
We hope they don't disc01~cer1
you . .If they do, just file a
complaint with the propei
officials and we'll have thl
malcontents taken care or
Enjoy your stay.
�Khoctes ca111pus
right off you. They are
President Daughdrill:
perceived rather than
Last week when 1 sat actual problems. I am
fown to chat with you at writing this to you in the
\T&T U1 tngs didn't quite hopes that sitting behind
.urn out well, from my your private desk these
:nd . I'm sure this comes words
might
seep
is a shock to you, through to the human
issuming you remember being beneath that navy
mr conversation about suit with yellow tie, that
acuity tension, Rhodes' ever-present smile, and
;tandards of excellence, the firm handshake
tnd how the Rockettes meant to persuade
tre
not from
my pocketbooks. You are
1 om et 0 w n,
since unassailable in person.
:verything seemed to end Everybody
(except
m such a positive note.
apparently you) knows it.
Ve were only bantering
There is no question
or the sake of bantering that you have done some
tnyway, right? No hard
mighty things for this
eelings intended, none campus. But you are not
aken . I'm afraid it's not a mighty person, or a
hat easy. I was deeply savior. You are a
listurbed, indignant, and professional who is
•ffended after our talk
incredibly good at his job,
md I want you to kno~ which at present seems
.bout it. I want you to
to be raising the money
:now because I suspect required to sweep Rhodes
hat this pattern replays
into the next century
lself too often with
poised on the wings of
ndividuals at our college. massive
fac 11 tty
vve both have a stake to improvements. You say I
laim. don't we?)
don't know the whole
Everything ls always so
story. After talking to you
·ositive
with
you. one on one at the lunch
"!consistencies,
table I don't need to.
and, after an hour of
ggravalions,
These are the things I sterile conversation, you
eactionaries, injustices, would have said if, to had let me speak. I can
ifractions, egalitarians, begin with, I hadn't been appreciate your need to
~ nsions-they just roll
so careful not to offend· always have the last
'
' word, it's your job. But
called by
· \ this time I'm taking it.
I guess the thing that
the Lord to become a Presbyterian
really shocked and
p
offended me was how out
reacher, then received a higher
of touch you were with
calling-to become a college
the mental and material
·
president.
,,j ., .,
reality of daily life at
4..~
·;; :. .o Rhodes. I long ago
~
Has helped Rhodes make .: g:, ~ : . noticed that I don't see
'"
.., the up-and-comers poll in the liberal ]al r:: s ·~' you on campus un 1
ess
... .·
"' ~
you're heading to a
arts southern region farm league 21 P:: ~ ..: ]' meeting, briefcase in
"' .... "'
~ors straight
-5 ; ~ .s hand, or else with some
. ..,\ f1cr_a11e11ding o a,·idso11 College . and getting a ' A. from Emory 1~-E.;
i
official-looking figures. I
Lill\ t'ISl l\ 1n 1956 . he became an executive of Kingston ~ ! ills in :§ .0 ~ .!!"
think that says a lot.
Canc rs1 ilk . Georgia. manufacturers of carpets, and soon rose 10 its § ~ ~ ~
Last year a friend of mine
pr,-, idcllc' · ~k bcrn me a member of the In ternational Young Presi- ,::S: t 7j
asked you, at the Same
<kn:, 01 ; m11 zm1011. reserved to p1esidents under 40 ,, ho<
.
lunch table, "Do you
.e cor I , ~ , c
p.1111L·s h,l\ c sales of 11101e than five million dollars a i ea i . He I Id £ "' .=: s know
what they're
.
. . .
.
ie
;:1 ~ ,,. "
111 "" ' 1cspc>11s1bk posts in c1v1c and chu1 ch wo1k, but in 1964 made
::i Ji :-O teaching in Search?" You
0
"ll 1111 porw11 1 11crrn11a1 dec ision.: to leave business and become a min- . ~ ::§ §
had to answer "no." Ok, I
;, ,,·r. I k had \\' illO' Cd _co do so since high school days but Ya rious :x: '1il ~ & could maybe see how you
l'l'a>tH l S had J'l~\Clltc•d < After gett ing another degree. !his time from
l.
~ S] · Shouldn't need tO knOW
:_·,.Jt 11 llhi_'. Th,·~.J1.>~ k;ii Se111i1.iarv. he_spent lh rce yc~rs :1 pas1 c•f 1k
;
s
or
~ -~ ~ ~ ) what they teach in
' ' ·" ' 1 '" 5 ' ' '" h"'" '" n Church 1n L111lc Roc k, Arka nsas. His ex- 1 c; ~ 8 ~ Search. I don't know your
"'
-l'lll l\c abilit.ics rn ught up with him again , and he was made chairman ~ 8;:; ]" official job description. (Is
'
;'l'. i:'. '~2'\~~1 :11~,~~~.','~~~:1 ~ l~~:~~;;:!~~t1i~~ 1;1;;1 ~ecrernry of Steward- ~] -~ -~ \ ~P.a;l~: a~:;:~~ ~~~Oa~~~~
----
IP11@a~a@~ Carp~lesman
l
:s.,
J
1
1
0
I
getting flustered at his
insolence. And you were
being serious.
So much for those lofty
standards.
In our
conversation you tRlkeu
for a long time about how
you refuse to shy away
from hard decisions, That
what Rhodes' standards
mean to you is the
courage to judge and the
ability to discern. You
based all of your
arguments on "concrete
. statistics." It is a realistic
position, you assured me,
explaining how all of
those egalitarian faculty
members who would
rather not see anyone get
canned just can't face the
music.
Have you heard all this
before? Am I just missing
the point? Am I incapable
of
fathoming
or
appreciating
the
complexity of your
position? Even if that
were the case, you should
know that what people
see matters. It would
seem that you are the
only one privileged
a phrase found in one of
enough to know the way
Rhodes' glossy brochures
things really are, and all
intended
for
rich
those false perceptions:
protestant parents about
the tension between
how "the majority of
faculty
and
Rhodes faculty are
administration, your
Christians." My friend
image as a heartless
asked how you knew if
hardnose without a clue,
faculty were Christians.
the accusation that
"It
comes
up
in
Rhodes students aren't
conversations,"
you
as tops as we would like
responded
oh-so
to think; all of these
intelligently,
before_ things are someone else's
l!!r1 ~· 'TcE'f.'~·:":
problem. As such, you
ignore them. You must
have missed the Kant
lesson at Davidson, or
maybe it just didn't
interest you. Well here's
WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT
1 the simplified,
updated
Ins u ra nce comp ani es consid e r ' ' CU. n
: 1:sk ! Th e ir s ta ti sti cs prove yo u n rc
t version. Perceptions do
more suscepti ble to h('art nntl other dismatter; peoples' opinions
cnH·s tha t sh orte n yo ur li£c c xp<'cfa ncy !
Lo~c those dnngL·rous pou nds now with
~ matter. And here's the
tli is
safe, scientific plan 1
cliich. lets
kicker. IMAGE matters.
) 'Ult. eat.
, It's funny that you
~'
, understand this principle
l'iJ
.; so well when projecting
~l
;. Rhodes' image to the
;~
$ 2 ;) 0
¥1world-we have the most
;:·;
~,I beautiful campus in
~.:
~l America. Why, then, does
;
~
. it not matter how you are
S h·irt , ~nrc . Sli M\ ~ Y
'JU how to 1·at wi..:1
·ly,
:1 perceived on campus by
kcr 1ri111 Cin''"
~ (':u:rd.. CotTc1:tly.h:rs apn<l V it. nmi ns.r ou Apl'C· ., student~ and faculty?
t ile Hf·1lur ing: \'rn
•
Have you really convinced
yourself t hat no one
really understands? That
is a scary thing. It means
that you are accountable
to no one. Not officially,
of course, but in your
mind. In your head
everyone else has it
wrong. You told me that I
was wrong, politely.
We talked about the
SIRS. Do you remember
what you told me? "Well
what do you propose that
is any better?" And my
inability to propose a
workable alternative to
the present system of
teacher evaluation on the
spot, something that a
committee of teachers will
be studying for two years
before
making
a
recommendation,
invalidated everything I
had to say on the matter.
In your eyes it just proved
that I was another
student with a head full
of steam hell-bent on
raising hell whether I had
a reason or not. (Do you
remember philosophizing
on the subject of student
reactionaries who assault
your image, saying, "It is
to be expected from
college students. They are
at a tumultuo\ls point in
their lives. They have to
get steam off their chests
cu111111w11ty
somehow. I don't take
any of it ser iously."?
-another occasion last
year at the n ow-infamou s
lunch table, talking to a
young man who asked
you what you though t
about the Rat's Ass, him
· having unbeknownst to
you written a letter in it
calling
fo r
your
resignation. How crass
your response must have
been. But y ou w e r e
clueless.) I will tell you
right now that I don't
~
categorize easily. My
~.
1h·
words ought to matter to . ~ : - ~"''
you, Mr. Daughdrill. 1 ~ ···"·
·
want you to take thi ........:.._
~
personally.
.::::::::-God , sometimes l feel like doing you a favorI'm sorry. 1 let our la .-::::::::: li ke " applying a little Chnstiarnty on t l1e JO b ,..
-· · ·
·
d
conversat 10n en
- .
,,
such an upbeat note. I t or like asking you to " be with me at work .
was dishonest of me, and But the process gets reversed . Questions rebound.
1 know
h ow little My quest ion changes .
dishonesty b ecomes a
. .
. .
.d ?
' Rhodes student. But this W ho am l to 111\'J te you into mJ ay.
is the t ru t h. I do not I can merely turn myself over to you today.
want to be your b e s t Thank you for taking: me into your freedom .
friend.
Presiden t e ither, eve n if it 's
Amen .
Daughdrill. I do not .want u nintentional. I'm s t:ill
to be your enemy. I simply waiting for the truth on a
want to be treated with number of issu es And 1
enough respect to get the want it to come fro.m you .
truth from you and n ot The sad th in gs is , I don't
an avalanche of s tock think you know it
responses forc e full y
.
·
hurled to prevent any
Smcerely, on behalf of a
comeback, to assure the lot of people,
\ke
last word. I don't think
Ross ooh
dishonesty b ecomes a ..
Rhodes College presid ~pt 1· "'''· ll'.
SI NIVlllA lVlH lHl
~:':""'i-~·'"' ~·
.
.
CONVERS~
.
WARNING
TO MEN
TIONSWITH
A CHIMP
'WHO ARE YOU?'
'JR.'
llC \\· ,
R ep en t
P iu:kn~ c
~~
~
'\AI Ul\T
nn
Vf"\11
\Al.ANT? '
' ROGER
TICKLE
�when i grow up.
b VJ
CFd V O.
2 i.} D ('t-/1
ks
alright, kids, we're at
rhodes college. we are
all supposed to get our
eighty thousand dollar
educations and follow
paths that lead us to
prosperity in the real
world. we are all
someday going to be
lawyers, physicists,
doctors, market
analysts, etc. i 'm sure
that there's a couple of
potential white collar
felons here, too. look
around you, cats, see
daddy's cherokee
parked carelessly in
the commuter lot; that
ticket isn't going to
matter, because just as
pops owns the title,
pops will pay the
ticket when buffy calls
home. he's probably a
lawyer... i bet he
threatens to sue. (for
those of you who are
now talking ao0ut my
close-minded
stereotyping: i have
been working in law
firms for three years,
not all of 'em are bad '
but in my limited
experience, the ones
who are hep ain't too
happy with what
they're doing) . the
point is this: we will
follow in mommy and
daddy's footsteps and
make tons o' cash so
we can send our little
jr. 's to a nice place like
rhodes.
i want to be a truck
driver. i want to be
able to control tons of
steel as it barrels
down a mountain pass
in the southwest. i
want to eat at the
flying j truck stop in
amarillo (i did this
wee k en d . . . goo d f oo d .
bad coffee). i want to
do this for a living. it
must be the only truly
kerouacian profession
LAUCI! W IT[!
Amos 'n' Andy
S undQy1, 7,30 p.m.
T, CBS RQdio Netwo1I:.
i know that some of
you are out there,
having these midcollege romanticisms
too. maybe if we get
lucky, someday we
think about it. infin
time for smoking.
endless coffee. you
could buy an audio
recording of on the
ffi.rul.. you could eve
say, "10-4, good
buddy." just don't tc
many of you hep cat
take my idea.
will get to be in reality
see you hipsters at
bites II (the second
stuckey's.
worst movie ever).
rF==========~~~=~~~~
-- "·
in the world (other
than writing, which
you can tell i' m not so
good at.. .. woe is me.)
' '°J
right now, psychic
~
dave will tell you what
~
you are thinking . you
:y
are thinking, "dave.
. ~
first, i don't care what ~
you want to do with
"o
your life. second, get
o
off your high horse
~
and quit criticizing my l-pragmatic nature.
third, why the hell are
' Vi
you at rhodes?"
()
/.
This Wee~'s Corn.ed Beef. House Personality is Nancy
Hodwell . ~ancy is executive secretary of the senior class
an one of the unsung heroes of the Social Commission .
The Corned Beef House ~
Pastrami, Breakf~t :.
Maxwell House Coffee
. Call for carry out se~vice
3307 Summer .
. 452-9396
1737- . Union Ave. ·
272-9561 . . ,,,_ ..
.,
~
response, i say this. i
know you don't care
what i do with my life
but i just wanted to '
write it down (so i can
feel disappointed
when i'm a lawyer) .
also, uncle dave ain't
criticizin' your dream S,
young hipsters... he' 8
just presenting an
~.lternative.
finally,
I m at rhodes because I
want to learn .
\ .~
. -.~.
·'
. ·,
-~
.
-
~;
The Rat's Ass is assembled by a
crack staff of Rhodes students
and/or friends, published
whenever the staff feels like it
and distributed for mass
consumption in the domain of
actual campus publications, the
Rat. Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is published.
Collectivley, there is neither
regard for, nor claim of, truth, so
don't get on us about it. The
opinions expressed by individuals
are their own. Any and all
contributions will eventually be
published. You can even be the
editor, just bring your lucky coin
for
the
toss
up.
~;%f
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 7, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 07
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from October 7, 1994. This issue of The Rat's Ass was aimed towards members of the Board. The front page features a piece by Clay Combs who addressed The Members of the Board about life on campus. Ross Gohlke writes to President Gaughdrill about the benefits the Board of Trustees and Rhodes receives. Dave Evoanies tells us how we will all follow in "Mommy and Daddy's Footsteps" on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Clay Combs, Ross Gohlke, Dave Evoanies, Martin Fox, Jay Stovall, Ghosh Dipak
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/7e6d95e8615f320f850502a0176c1fcd.pdf
47c911d17217ea1ce29038310523fc37
PDF Text
Text
Fecal Material Saves Lives: Doo your
'I
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
"Pickin' up hitchhikers"
p~
29-SJ.<...
STOBJ
fisticuffs
Tyson ain't Shit
your friendly neighborhood tom logue
I by
The munnur of the crowd grew to a dull roar as the sound of the bell
pierced the muggy air in the stadium. The fight was on! This was
it, rumored to be the biggest fight of the year, and there were bets
from here to Buenos Aires on it. On the left, Civility, wearing red
shorts and weighing in at 595 pounds. On the right, Morality, in
blue and a trim 340 pounds. They closed in, and Civility rumbled,
"Be nice to that Rhodent! So what if he's annoying and likes to talk
about his SAT scores? Try to see things from his point of view;
maybe he's just feeling insecure." Morality blocked this easily -he had seen it coming a mile away. The response: "But by being nice
to him even though I despise him, I am being untrue to myself, and
since the only truth I know is my own subjective truth, I am conunitting NoTIOK.-Oddo·1L11d·End1ot nm1uN
the worst crime of all!" Civility's head whipped back, a fine spray of · · :· · · ·· ".·:~ · ·· · ··
blood flying from the nose, as the blow almost knocked him to the
,
ground. Collecting his wits, he tried a quick jab: "The only way to
~
get ahead in life is to show respect to others so that they will do the ,
./ ,
same to you." Morality sidestepped, then rushed forward and delivered
~
c:
z
a punch to the stomach, "By respecting everyone on the same level
regardless of their actions, you demean yourself, deceive the other
- ~
c:
person, and denigrate the concept of respect. Like that pompous prof
you always smile and nod to because otherwise he'll fail you." Civility
~
teetered, his torso bright red from the blow and the blood dripping
down from his face, and drew his hands in front of his face in defense.
.
"The bible says to love thy neighbor!" Morality stepped back, dodged
the wild swing, and didn't even bother to respond. It was obvious his
opponent was faltering, and he had some pity. But Civility tried to
continue: "I was taught to be polite, and I'm going to be polite! How
would you like it if everything in life were based on people's actual
opinions of each other? And shouldn't you have some consideration
for the feelings of others, huh, Morality?" The sarcasm in this last
question caused a rush of anger to our blue- clad hero, and he spun
around one last time, lightning- fast, with "I'm just here for a few
years, and i'm useless to myself and everyone else if all i do is bend
to the whims of others. I'm not going to waste my breath being nice
to assholes just to avoid offending them." Morality stood back and
watched Civility spin around in the ring before falling to the ground.
And as the ann of Morality was raised triumphantly into the air, the
Rhodes student walked around with a silly grin on his face, flicking off
everyone who said hi to him.
And he felt good.
•
An~over is better than ·none .when the tall out rams down
=
,...
=
·...
ANYONE
F0~1 · ~
ANYTHING?~
,.,.
�THE RAT' S
Ass,,.
.. -11111.-.---·
Lack
IS A THERAPEUTIC METAPHOR
OF METAMUNICIPAL MATRIMONY HARMONIZED IN
THE INT£REST OF THE GREATEST POSSIBLE GOOD.
by Davicl Scars
OPINIONS AND CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR, OUR SPECIALTIES,
STEM PURELY FROM THE UMBIC SYSTEMS OF
THEIR RESPECTIVE AUTHORS, SO IF YA BY
CHANCE TAKE OFFENSE AT DA KONTEHTS,
SETTLE
rr WITH
THE INDIVIDUAL. AND GET A
LIFE.
\lttaatllf BllOOXX
. JJ Evon•
J 1ney Witherap<>On ' Druuunond
w·11·
s
o"":r·.
lll
l
«i
E
Dove
Lo111ont Sonford.
RAmt s: '
.
C D \g, 1 Tootle
D. • l'4
Geo-rge J e££ereon
To111 Logu~' n .J Hus:to'ble
l t K.101re ' I'Ul y
1' oneJ . ll s Fot Albert
Stoy
I 23·. s.
;;r:f
10
FEELIN' REAL
BY JHEY WITHERSPOON
~·
(I'
1.
'
~ ~·~
·~
CONFINED ·1 .sHErr£f :\ . ·: eriiif
N
.· ' .
·:~·•• ~
!. :1';·1
TRI~ ollT ;·/!. .
DECONTAMINATE
' .. '
·
· ·· · · ·; .. -- · AS FALLOUT COOLS OFF a1 1rad1fahon decr~a!~d
nd
you can safely leave s 1e ter or 1
onge1
LEAVE SHELTER
eriods. Chart is based on fallout that,
wh~n f~sh emits 6,000 roentgens per hour.
•
I
I
Q)
MUST HAVE BEEN A SCREAMING DEE.JAY .
IT IS OFTEN VERY DISORIENTING WHEN MY SENSES GET SWITCHED AROUND AND REWIRED,
BUT BECAUSE I WAS TAUGHT FROM A VERY EARLY AGE THAT EVERY ll-tlNG IS
ALL
RIGHT EVEN IN
STATES OF UTTER CONFUSION, I AM ALWAYS ABLE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETiiER AND GO wm-1
WHAT'S BEEN GIVEN ME,
I TURNED MY HEAD DOWNWARD AND LISTENED TO THE FLAT, RELAXING BASS TiiAT WAS MY
ROOM.
I
TI-lEN TURNED OFF MY ALARM BY LOCATING THE STRONGEST POINT OF LIGHT IN THE
IT WAS A CAR COMMERCIAL :
RED AND ORANGE SPLASHES SMACKING MY RETINAS INTO
CONSUMER SUBMISSION .
AFTER THE INITIAL SHOCK WHICH ALWAYS ACCOMPANIES SENSORY SWITCHING, I DECIDED
.JUST TO EN.JOY TI-lE MUSIC THAT MY BODY MADE ,
Cf)
E'
t
-.J
.-
:'5"
0
~I
c
'>.... :::s
~
I snacl. on the remains as I re~lize
is happening
DANK NOTES AND HARMONIES FILLED MY EARS AND EVEN SPILLED INTO MY ·
OLFACTORY ORGANS, SO TiiAT I SMELLED MY MOTION AND TASTED TiiE TANTALIZING FUNK OF MY
ANATOMY'S GROOVE.
I DECIDED TO SKIP SCHOOL TiiAT DAY .
I WATCHED MUSIC AND HEARD MYSELF FUCKING GET DOWN.
sumptuous shakin and rump bass bumpin toothu light wave wawa
rolling round happy slappin sippin the fly fluid funky GET DOWN
bright night light shinin sweet feet steppin out, damn/ I
swingin hard feelin far, notes slippin drippin off my arm
can't stop body flop singin dreamin 'bout the world
and feel so real. I feel so FEEL/ so I wow down round the sound
to eat up motion mangoes and stare at caca congas
that came to flop top dibby on the flip bap shimmy
blap lam goddam, grip this jimmy.
now sounds found a town round and down spin around.
I found. I sound. I am music.
.
Wi~'1'
.
l
.
.
--
····
wJ1at
NOTfl!ING, lmt it is awefufly pleasant
·Sometimes, he dreams that
he marches, and
in between the locksteps,
daydreams and remembers
scents and touches, soft light
a dripping, and po.Jka-dots
glittering and mask-like
askew glances at ephemera
clattering and reptilian
balanced or serene
wonderment over nothing
the melting of ice, because it fits,
and pieces of someone's hair,
shuttered and lacking
or maybe just in the wav.
o.oe Star Deer
I sceaJ T ·shuts
I like the smell
ot rnurs
ther remind me
when 1· m alone.
Ifell asleeyrhe first time
in a blur o white .
primed words were
jibberish in mydaze,
J
Sometimes, he's eavesd ropped
on towns or docks,
sticky, or sprawHng
imderlining the important bits.
COAGULATE!!!
Sometimes, he'd be magnanimous,
wishing for some old mao
..
or gamepekes worn with use
often shrill, but never unfogged
a has-been, admiring ether
coalesced into invisibility,
and spinning headlong,
heated and wary
supposedly yellow or perhaps white
· a number of forgotten momenta
•weathered loose, rotting
and rarely escaping their targets,
with promise and fortitude
crumbled and delayed
into a heap of smelly metaphor.
U!~iiii\\\\'l•}•··~· ..
We got spirit!
Yes, we do!! We got spirit! How 'bout you!!
Cracked . dry hands
on my forehead .
I cutt' t geuhe Clash
out of mv stereo
or you out of my head .
FEELING MY LIMBS AS I WALKED AROUND TiiE
ROOM WAS SOMETHING LIKE PLAYING RHYTI-lM GUITAR .
THEN I DANCED.
NORMAL LIFE
)on er
THIS MORNING, MY CLOCK RADIO AWAKENED ME Wini A BURST OF INTENSE LIGHT TiiAT
FLOOR .
E
-Ramt Oxinf
ovsA
cj~'* iL :
-t~·~· · ~
· :. .,.: ·
1
,
L 3 · .~
2
:1 .· .;,"·· 4·.< 'ii~ WEEKEj]a .
·, c
HOURS[U]
'"
0)
Q)
!Sometimes
i
T J1e furniture sits very still aga.inst the walls
N o ex11rcssiou Jies in t he grains of any piece
The persistent ringing mutilates silence
Memo1·ies of similar scenes linger
Patternecl emotions thrust tlirougl1 the
a6nospl1ere into my ln·aiu
Intense delusions proc
luce powe1·ful
sensations of clelight
I know it was cold then
I heard people walking
by outside .
but 1' m not bald anymore
andvouactuallybeiieYe
I m 'a girt.
'
\Vhen I met you yesterday .
YOU swum
d o'ie
,
ihroug h the chick.
air.
in
Burring myfoce
into the thin cloth
of vour shitt
the salty dampness
seeps through to m sbn.
r
I' l1 neYer get the Clash
It's 3:15 a.m.
Where is your fungus?
om of mv stereo.
�SEASIDE.-
07.0NE I
OZO:m I OZONE: I
T l1t1,0 • h'lY-l11• la J orhrnthnlr,,,.1ftn<1• ··f•1'.l•1,,,,1.J A',.ll·•r.1 I
11·.."'uOt•ll ol Tilr.f l"'"ur u ... r<1r<1m1n<!a•"''' Ln r •ko ~h., U'nl1
lt11.11, •• to bf-h11•l o1_!f, ~t on,\~•nr.1.~ HoT~r.,
i°"
~l. L1uirr('ll("l .. llll · l~·:1, 1~1~ o! 1 ·~ ·111rt.
Tock Sat on a Raft In a Sea of Rats
1n~~r~ 4~~'!~tt0,..~~~:,f 1 ~':.;'!~~,~~~·H••.·1.,• In &iu1 .llu~J l\re ril'tl.1m
by stay jovinll
And Tick looked on from the shore,
helpless as a buttonless stopwatch;
Tock wailed lonely
and Tick remained,
cutting himself with the past.
Tock called out "Surprise will fall through your f~ce.
with the sound of rotten mellon nppmg
when your money-changer's tables
are overturned in the temple
of Eternal Now
by the push of a simple mirror,
and yet still,
you will remain oblivious
and I will be the victim ..."
--
So there's a bald guy. And
people keep telling him how
bald he is. So he has "I
know" tattooed on his scalp.
People now tell him there's
something written on his
forehead. "Really?" he says.
"I 'II be damned." And he
was right. No matter what he
did, he WAS damned. So he
went around in a devil
costume, damning himself all
day long. "Damnit" he would
say. "Damn me to hell."
Nobody told him he was bald
anymore, because what if he
were Satan? When he died,
he went to hell, damnit. And
the autopsy was perfonned on
his costumed former self. A
clumsy new a<;sistant dropped
formaldehyde on him.
·."_;~
/\1 /: .,-
(5:::;:c
, ._ ~-~ .•\1
/~~~pS~~t,~fted· th"e .cJumsy
new assistant. Down m hell
was felt a cold splash on the
legs. It assuaged the intense
pain. "Don't worry" said the
head mortician. "I don't think
he knows you spilled that
formaldehyde on him." A
chuckle. Then the head
mortician went to the head of
the table to examine the head
of the dead satan-likc man.
He was aghast, and lost his
head. "You're fired" he told
the clumsy new assistant. "I
know" replied the newly
homeless fired man. "I'm on
fire" said the knowledgeable
man in his new home.
"You're homeless for a
reason," said the businessman
to the homeless man.
,
"You're on. fire for a reason"
said the knowledgeable man'
to the newly arrived
businessman. "What's the
reason?" screamed the blazing
businessman in crazed
confusion. "It's none of my
business." He was of course
being coy. He knew.
'
MANUAL ALPHABET
LEARN TO TALK TO \'OUR FRIENDS
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 6, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 8, 1995. On the front page Tom Logue discusses on why we should be a Friendly Neighborhood. Jhey Witherspoon tells us why he skipped school. Ramt Oxinf talks about his daydreams. On the last page D.C. Drake tells us a story about a balm man who went around damning people.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Jhay Witherspoon, Ramt Oxinf, David Sears, Stay Joviall, Planet Klaire, D.C. Drake
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/fdd14e28f0e99b3ab0b3ead80e490b0d.pdf
c4bf4df4d13a0e56e655843a451005f8
PDF Text
Text
~elps You
Y,,J""'le ' I
Overcome
ltlak-,. 2 ;sve 8
f FALSE TEETH
with # 1.
Communism is simply
the answer to the
following equation:
government
+compassion
Hhy? Because the
whole thing was run
by a perfect crosssection of humanity:
you had greed, hunger
it has recently come
for power, impatience,
to my attention that
and whining.
You see, this is the
communists are made
Please don't get me
main problem people
fun of a lot in our
wrong. I like America,
have with communism:
present society. To
they would have to be really. It's neat, and
all of you who partireally big. And I think
nice. Communism
cipate in this partiAmerica could benefit
involves thinking of
cular form of ridicule
others and respecting from a little commI have but one word:
unism. But I don't
them, talents, short "Phooey."
like the "love-itcomings, and all. It
I am a communist. I
or-leave-it' mentality
involves other stuff
haven't told my
too, like distribution That's not what this
parents yet; I'm
country is about (it's
of weal th, which
waiting for the right
rumored). And I don't
means the virtual
time. But there are a
elimination of hunger, like ignorance.
few issues I'd like
homelessness, etc.
to address.
(God forbid that; we
Yes, this whole
1) Communism ain't
have to have someone
was written on a typereally that bad.
to throw spare
writer. You know us,
2 } No, really, it
change a t s o we can
we' re kind of behind
i sn ' t .
go to sleep at night.} on technology.
01 -ay 'f 2 It means you W r1G LIVE THE GLORIOUS
c~ 1 ~ ~~e enough t o
ArID VALIANT PROLETARIAT
buy a yacht to match
STRUGGLE AG\INST Tl~
WILL THIS
your canvas shoes. But
OPPRESSIVE BOURCEOI
you know, it's those
CAPITALIST REGIME!
kind of sacrifices
Thank you and have a
that build character•
good night•
I think now is an
opportune time to point
out that those "damn
.
commie Soviet bastards"
f ~
or ,.e
·
Prov en formula"ma<kabi..w,.,
who threatened our way
'";'
of life, if not our
:~u~!:,:0;-;:h:::'h;:~i:
oction .. ho w
..
f
very existence, or
f,~'t;~~·~~;;":«;:;~~ ·
t t Comm
,ma11 perce n1oge ct 1hi
4 5 years weren
;:~1; 0:~0 ;;;;10•~·,;:~~1
unists. Sorry.
~
~~: .:n:~~c~~~1~h=
Just a n article
by
tom logue
:1
••
I
I
.
'
'
-
'l1fji
NEW
SHAMPOO MAKE
MY BRISTLES
AS GOOD
AS
-~PROLON?
lo ~oke
:lj
' 3•
th t
a
s
eop le c:; ay
•
•t
communic:m 1S OU
ome p
:
•
Sahsfact1on Guara nteed
-
dated' that J. t is no
longer a viable theory o
I think that human
beings suck, and that
we are no longer a
viable species. It's
not a matter of communism not working,
it's that it never
~r + h ~ l f ~ chance.
..
0
:::;e:d~r':o~O 1':1i:!U~
-If YOU WAHl TO.
f our fu end'
bovl'ld lo
v If w e G UA RAN TEfyovwcce,u Yourdu1r•~
io reo l1l v
~~~~~d
IS
Th~idb:~~e,sv:~,r~~·~h~~';'~nd,h:r;:
~~ev':~! ':~~l~;oll~ ;-noc:;l,:,~~I~~ ;:~~t;v.robo~~!~ :::dJ
."' ;;~~~a~~l~ '~;;E~RCH So d l z Alha mb,a, Calo!~
�Streaking: One Way to Get a B.A.
~:i;:_: '.~~' " - ,• '
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... ........... ,,... ...-··., .
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Rat's Ass: So,uh, Mr. Satan,
how long have you been attending Rhodes College.
An ti-Christ: Since the
Masons founded it, actually·
But right now I am posing as
a senior.
RA: What are your views on
the current state of evil at
Rhodes?
or
..
Horror Punk Rock Song
Wizened angel of death, you're
Too old to reap; you can only
Gnaw at a young girl's.ank~es.
This encounter on a ram-slicked
Highway, you scythe with a
Road sign, impaling
Windshield glass.
1
th
' ;}
ilt
j,
"'I 1
Old beat-up Chevys can't cruise too good
Wrapped around a teleP.hc;me pol.e.
Your teenage lips wont kiss again
With that pretty little head
In your own lap.
Hope lies in the miracle of modem
· · .·~ Science,
And the gentle craft of robbing graves.
My queen
Myfover
~'
My Cadavera!
~
Marilyn's body with a schoolgirl's head,
The pinnacle of tonight's delights.
She'll keep loving long after you're dead.
See the stitches? Turn out the lights.
[!aaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrr
i'llsmashdashbashaskulland-giveafewkicks-in-theribs--mydadlikesguns-andhasbunches-bu Hhi nki 'llgo-dowu-tow1t-a11dgetag1111,
just-for-the-feel-of-i ti;
ADVICE
' ..... , , . . ... . . . . . . "
~,',
A-C: Well, not a had way to
make a living ... l've lately
found hitter polemics in
underground newspapers to
be a useful tool.
RA: What has been the focu.
of these polemics, in
general?
A-C: Oh, you know, the usu<l
sort of stuff you fl nd at
, every college: bitter
diatribes against the
administration, meaninglP.ss
poems, and a penchant for
the pointless. But excuse
me I must be going .
RA; One last question, Mr.
Satan When shaving, do yo
prefe~ a brush or a roller?
A-C: Lime.
smile and nod
in kurt reply:
Another person
whose name
I don't know
has greeted me like an old friel!d.
Vertigo a go-go
or
I'm too immature to appreciate
That Hitchcock film
Jimmy Stewart didn't need no talk
To get off
Kim Novak's clothes.
When she almost drowned, that's when
He had her
Over to his apartment.
_
} . 1 ~, 0 1· '- ;· :v.t~
.
'
..
.}.·~f~it.~:..::::.
·.:'···'.~-~,
'.·
.
'
.
:.
- ·- ..
'·.
l
·· The cat blew another note on his trumpet; the TV screen
' went blanh. He intoned, "Night has just fr,lfer1" --------~--
�., po\nts
\{eep to\\ 0 •
...
'
·
'
DOVI ..
~
.,.
Martin Fox's criticism in this issue of the Rat's Ass has become entirely
concerned with itself, allowing a silly amount of self-referentiality. By
isolating itself as a signifier which points exclusively towards itself, it
circumvents modes of critical discourse which, have, of course, been
assimilated by the ruling classes, as a prop to the hegemony of bipolar
thought, a fetish of hierarchical organization within a post-cultural strata
invoked by the exchange of play and structure. Although he addresses none
of these concerns, the interjection of a text in variance with this system
clearly points towards the implication of critique. It would have been vastly
improved, however, if it had alluded to Proust.
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 28, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 28, 1994. The was the "To HELL WITH EVERYBODY" issue. On the front page is "just an article" by Tom Logue which talks about communists in our society. Juan Oliptante brings up Horror Punk Rock Songs and the lyrics they follow. On the final page is a criticism of Martin Fox's criticisms.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Tom Logue, Juan Oliptante, A-C Lime
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/b8ca00a9477fa894a491ecae59927394.pdf
b116ca3547161bb83f008025dd185324
PDF Text
Text
I
ll
t
~
~ .. Lv~e-
l\C
~ §_)U~
Word Usage
by: chris brown
z
s
tij
What is the proper usage of a
word, or a string of words?
Some believe that words have
a proper time and place for
use. Others believe that words
can be used for any purpose
and that any limit on word
usage is only a masked
attempt of domination.
Personally, I fall into the
second category. I believe that
words cannot be grounds for
harassment or victimization.
f
'f
Words are not actions. It
seems though that there is a
prevalent conception on
our campus that words are
actions and the wrono
e
usage can get you in trouble if
you cross the boundary of
established usage and
"correctness." There me some
who would disagree with me
and tell me that limitless
boundmies I am invokino
e
would allow for such thinos ac;
e
sexism and racism to rear it's
ugly head in the things we read
and the things we say. Indeed,
this is the case, but such a
perspective also allows for any
type of discourse : feminist.
nationalistic. religious, etc ...
So, the next time I hear
someone lamenting th~ '&ct
that there are words used on
campus that they don't like
maybe what the probl~m '
really is that they don· t talk or
'-1· 11 1•· lif<.e you do. Words may
hml • •11 1 ego, but they sure as
hell don't kill us . .
ll
�f
t
Right which he represents. Get pa~
the "yeah, but he's GOD!" reactio1
because that doesn't cut butter. 11
right is right, and the very Bastion
o'Rightness defies this, then there
is indeed some relativity at work here.
Right is only right when a s~bj~ctive
rlecision is made by an ommsc1ent power.
Stiii with me? Good. If you're not,
read it again, and if you're still not,
dismiss me as a blithering idiot and
eat your goddam food.
If subjectivity exists even in the
most morally pure of atmospheres, then
it certainly exists in heaven, and
by logue, tom
this in tum means that even there,
moral truths will still be debated.
This article will only make sense if
On the bright side, this allows for
certain things are taken for granted,
endless and unrestricted learning,
so play along:
but i for one do not want to hear
-God exists (this i prove with the
"what about in cases of rape or incest?"
following equation:
.
.
for the rest of my afterlife.
when x=2, 3x+ 1[bag oreos]=mfimty;
And that, gentle readers, is why
when 3x+ l=infinity where x=2, things heaven may not be so groovy, unless
are indeed screwed up enough to allow you're willing to accept
for an omniscient, omnipresent, all"it all depends"
powerful deity, assuming one twists
as the Ultimate Answer.
one's oreos -- please feel free to
plug in your own justification for
god's existence, though)
-The bible is right (like i said,
play along)
-Heaven is eternal bliss and peace
among all men and women, or at
least their souls, just like you
learned in sunday school
Okay, enough assuming. Assumptions 1
and 3 would allow for a spiritual
beyond in which relations among human
souls are preserved. The discrepancy
occurs in #3, that everyone is going
to get along. Presumably, this is
because we will all finally know what
is right (in the biggest sense of the
MAYBE SOMEDAY
word) and the little arguments over
MY BRISTLES.WILL BE
abortion, homosexuality, free will vs
determinism, and whether OJ was
really guilty (he wasn't) will no
longer matter. This in itself_is all .
fine and good until assumpt10n 2 is
considered. God gave moses the 10
commandments as a moral code, a set
of what is right and what is wrong for
all to see. This was not "How to Get
to Heaven" by god (since there was no
heaven to consider), but the ultimate
moral ground upon which to make all .
decisions and base all actio~s.
1 ~ . • '<
Yet, god defies the very Ultimate. ·.' , (~ - 1• . .
~
AS GOOD AS PROLON
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Ahhhhhhhhh
-Xaft Minor
Logjam rattrap yellow
Embedded utopia blank
Torid torpid torreadors
Weasel vortex sham
Dazzle wither streetpark
Starkly lit into
' .,
Raspy ranting boulders
l
-• Pogo pebble tease
k''·''
Kansas teller wispy
Dryness over retort
. . Wishes washing wanton
~~~:.:~rt;.;, Stark Jugglmg crazy
·
...
Purple violet desultory
'%:' lii'< Ration razor ringing
ii":
"1~~:t1; ~ Foolproof routing now
't:~4',r;:j Lacky raising open
·,:1::~ Ideal frozen fre1ze
.
· -~~!1 Cattle crushing details
.\ Quarters wrapping knee
Upset grounded fellow
Lost growing ease
Dizzy yonder glasses
Flowing frenzy please
~-'""~···,-.: ........; .. 1. j,':'~
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Implicate me
Bind me
Isolate me
then ignore me.
Surround me
Play me
Use me
then lose me.
�-~
l .olision on Biacktop
by ... uh ... oh yeah, Jay Witherspoon
I . . . OAMMlr!
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE 10 GET AWAY FROM MYSELF.
YESTERDAY, I RAN
AROUND A CORNER AS FAST AS I COULD TO TRY TO LOSE MYSELF, BUT APPARENTLY
A VE:RY FAST RUNNER BECAUSE THE SECOND
I
I
AM
STOF"PED AND TURNED AROUND TO SEE IF
I HAD GOlTEN AWAY FROM MYSELF, THERE I WAS . . . TURNING AROUND LOOKING F'OFl
MYSELF!
"fHEN
I
TRIED SOMETHING SNEAKIER.
I
BEGAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET
VERY DELIBERATELY, FORCING MYSELF TO THINK OF NOTHING BUT MY NEXT STEP, AND
THE NEXT AND THE NEXT, A.ND . . .
CONCRETE .
AND WHEN
I
'TRIP TR.ll.P TRIP TRAP, ' SAID MY FEET ON THE SHARF'
WAS SURE THAT I WAS THINKING OF NOTHING ELSE THAN THE
'TRIP TRAP TRIP TRAP ' OF MY FOOTSTEPS,
I
DARTED TO THE SIDE AND SPUN AROUND,
EXPECTING TO SEE MYSELF TRIP TRAP TRIPPING RIGHT ALONG, UNAWARE THAT
REALLY JUMPED OFF COURSE .
I
HAD
BUT, AS YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED, THERE I WAS,
STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, LOOKING FOR MYSELF.
But instead of myself, all I found was a light
green pick-up truck with rusty patches along the edge of
the hood. It was heading straight toward me. The
street was wet. The brakes were bad. Physics (and the
world physics makes love to) dictated that the truck
would slide across the wet road, heedless of the
personal, social, or economic repercussions that would
follow a collision with my frail body. The sound of
tires sliding on wet blacktop . . . what had I been
thinking about?
Then the music came. Blaring into the dull sky. A groove funky
sprung out of my chest, bounded off buildings, and spiralled into space.
Melodies wound and spun, wrapping their magic around a beat so
straight and. simple: trip trap trip trap. 'lhe tapestry of get down weaved
dull time into music. trip trap trip trap ... SMACK!!!!! I shook my head
and smiled loudly as I found myself and realized I had walked directly
into a wall.
nikhail Gorbachev
from the nefarious mind of the Super Cherry Master ..
/
WHAT IF?
What if an apparition of Richard Halliburton
appeared
at
your
door
and
slooooooooowly whispered in your left
ear, "I'm a monkey junky," and then
sloooooooowly whispered in your right
ear, "They make me feel funky," and then>·-</5:.'· .~ .~t\.
. .
suddenly shouted in your face, "AND YOU~ .':··< '.~1~} 1
SMELL KINDA SPUNKY ! ! " and then jumped ·~.>A.:··
out your window neuer to be seen again?
I~ id1r1 nl
I loll i/Ju r/r111
(<JY\Ap fi'rd' vt~
/
at tJEe-ro BEEF urJ/
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 27, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 11
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 27, 1995. This was the Halloween issue for the Rat's Ass. The front page had Chris Brown discussing 'Word Usage.' Tom Logue tells us why Heaven may not be as good as we think. Also Xaft Minor screams. On the last page Jhay Winterspoon stutterers as he tries to speak about the Blacktop.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Tom Logue, Xaft Minor, Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
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http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/eb3d0e130196672276fbe255f0427bc4.pdf
04af5a3e4b140d1ae3a575d49d43a7e0
PDF Text
Text
which declare that things
our sensory organs are
totally incapable of
reg~stering are things
~h1ch do not exist; that
1. The New Way has
1s, t~e New Way is
written its manifesto in a agamst assuming that we
language which does not
are equipped with
utilize prepositionallvsensory organs which in
circumscribedspatiality
prin~iple can perceive al I
(e.g~ , "what's going
that 1s perceivable.
on?", "what's it all
9. The New Way is in
about?").
favor ?f HappySoft
2. The New Way
Sunshme Love Bunnies
endorses products which
and the violence at the
were not produced and
core of even the most
are uncomsumable; the
gentle child.
New Way is not against
10. The New Way
and not for consumer
supports novel octaves
reaction against the mass of Orange and dark
production of Truth and
imbroglios of Purple.
Reality.
11. The New Way is in
3. The New Way
favor of redefining the
encourages apprehending word "definition."
Reality like a felon and
12. The New Way
doing so in a
'
re~nds us that the High
conceptual/linguistic
Pnest of Poetry is Miles
framework which
Davis, and that Ham/et
operates primarily in the
was written by a finite
square root of the 5th
number of monkeys.
dimension and the -2nd
dimension, rather than in 13. Th~ New Way's
mantra 1s not "GO!", but
the usual three.
rather "go ... ".
4 ·The New Way is
better than the Old Way.
5. The New Way is
radically opposed to
conceptually subsuming
the idea of "thouoht"
under the idea 0 {
"I anguage."
6 ·The New Way is in
favor of transcending
both subjectivity and
objectivity; the New Way
o_ poses all apparent
p
epistemological limits
which are a function of
arbitrarily predicated
rationalities.
7 ·The New Way is a
way for the people.
._
~·The New Way resists' · .
mterpretations of Reality ;:~' .
The Knew Weigh
by Stay Jov iall
~$1\tf.il~)~"~~
�,,JhL
From:
To:
CC:
Subj:
RHODES: : LOGTB
STOBJ
Tooty Fruity
~o experience with metaphorically eating a banana i
the other night, and
wa~ kind of stumped, s~ i
even in my dream i could
tried rubbing it against my
tell it wasn't a normal
ear and jumping on it but
dream. ·it was an allegory.
t<? no avail · then th~ banana
i knew because I am still
sighed and murmured "he'll
getting flashbacks from
never get it." well, i was
taught never to let a banana
A Pilgrim's Progress.
Anyway, in this dream i
~e condescending to me, so
was really hungry, and
i walk~d over to some guy
had been for a long time.
conveniently placed in the
then i opened my backpack
c<?rn~r of my dream and asked
and inside was a banana,
him if he wanted to buy the
filling the dark interior
Banana of Enlightenment
with an almost glistening
he said sure, but that he
yellow. i was going to
only had 15 cents. i took the
think, 'you know, bananas
money and handed him the
shouldn't be this bright,'
banana, and then went to a
but couldn't because it
g7ocery store that have those
wasn't really significant
little machines in the front
to the allegory, so instead and bought myself a really
i thought, 'wow, i've been
colorful hi-bounce ball and
carrying this around the
an adorable plastic ring.
whole time and didn' t even
they make me happy.
know it!' and then the
but i still think it's .neat
banana spoke to me, which
:hat the s<?urce of all truth
i knew was strange but didn't >resented itself to me in
want to tell the banana that. .he form of a phallic symbol.
tom logue
the banana said "peel me,"
so i did, and all of a sudden
everything was filled with
the purest and brightest
light i had ever seen, nay,
experienced in my life. the
banana looked like it was
golden. i was kind of
freaked out, because i knew
eating gold was bad for you,
but remembered it was just a
dream. and then, before i
could do anything else, the
banana commanded me again:
"eat me." well, what do you
tell a golden banana? i
raised it to my mouth and
it almost screamed "no, no,
you dumbass! that was meant
metaphorically, remember this
is an ALLEGORY. " well, having
...,~
IMHO all networds are
stupid. A netword is a word
frequently used in Internet
lingo. Nctword is a
netword, and I hate
networds. Other words that
I don't care to mention. Likt.
Internet, WWW, cyber-,
netiquette. FYI, I work on
the Internet everyday ; ) I
know networds, I know
nctiquette. I hate it. HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN FLAMED
BY SOMEBODY WHO
UI'
llY TllE
~
1I
·
~~~'~~:~:~::~::~ion Age, ~~
E N l·..\I Y
" Ahhh!, what a
pleasant afternoon!", thought
Ed to himself. A wonderfully
refreshing breeze would slide
by every now and then as he
strolled boldly along the
highway leading to the local
bar. He was conducting
conversation with himself as he
usually did when he was alone.
It provided him with what he
referred to as 'stable
feedback' . His therapist tried
upon many occasions to
convince him that he had
multiple personalities but he
insisted that he had only one
personality containing two
distinct perspectives. He
found this extremely
convenient because he could
always consult himself for
another viewpoi nt. His steps
were firm and deliberate, for
he was ovenvhelmcd with
confidence as he made his way
'
to The Pleen(the local bar).
Sometimes he would give
himself poor advice but
, ,.- ·
noticed that it worked in cycles
, I
and that good advice was
--" '· . \
certain to follow these periods.
/
\ '··1,,
Yesterday he was in his private
;
lab when he got the glorious
I
idea to rid himself of that
/
horridly annoying step-son of /
his. He whipped up a lethal
/
substance that would be close i
to impossible to trace. After ( · )
consulting himself he spik~ \ , ________/
the glass which he had decided
his step-son would sure to
drink from but to his surprise
it was his wife who consumed
it and croaked shortly after. It
was terribly unfo11unate, he
killed his wife and still had to
deal with that insane little
bastard. It was quite possibly
the worst decision he had ever
made. Looking on the
positive side of l~lC !nci~e~1t, he
was incapable ot n11sgu1dmg
himself today. So he pedalled
/
-
NETWORDS WON'T GET.
,
The info b a h n h as enough of
that as it is.
l·.f\;l ·. :\ llE S S ll ,\1.1. NOT LEAVE IN TllEE ONE sruNE Ul'ON A NOTllE!t" : E TllEl.l.IEl(S CllUHClf , HI.OWN
·~
THINKS THEY ARE
COOLER THAN YOU
BECAUSE THEY SPEND
ALL THEIR TIME SITTING
IN FRONT OF A
1 ~
·
COMPUTER LIKE I DO,
·~
,_,
AND THAT GIVES THEM
....
THE RIG HT TO SCREAM
~
AT YOU BECAUSE THEY
KNOW MORE ABOUT
NETIQUETTE? DO YOU
FEEL LIKE I'M
SCREAMING AT YOU
RIGHT NOW? ACTUALLY
l'M JUST WRITING. If you
ever decide to start your
own Internet consulting
firm, Web design firm, or
"'~
access provider please, as ~. . , _t_i,,:,i~.l,j
<
1...... . .....~1
most people seem inclined \'ih<:;/Bv
futuristic-sounding made-up
word like cyberlink,
netscape or vantck 8 ( And
if you ever develop a FAQ
for people to learn
something, don't call it a
FAQ (FGS - that stands for
For God's Sake, and I just
made it a netword : )THE
BOTTOM LINE IS, IF YOU
KNOW NETWORDS (AS
EVERYONE SHOULD)
DON'T USE THEM TO SAY
. THINGS NOBODY WHO
DOESN'T KNOW
T lll N E
by Dave Sears
NO NETWORDS. KNOW NETWC :'DS
by ross gohlke
more story at a lower price! see inside for details!
! was having a dream
lumsell along, watclung the
cars increase in speed as they
.
.approached J1im. In the
distance he could sec a human
or something stretched across
the ground. He pedalled faster
lo satisfy his curiosity. A
teenage boy lie on the ground
exhibiting some very odd
behavior. His body alternated
between catatonic episodes and
inch worm like movements.
Ed was bafl1ed at this sight and
began to speak with himself
about this display.
"This is rather peculiar, what
do you make of this here
Pecauw
"Pickin' up hitchhikers" 14-0CT-1995 07:46:23.01
·,
; ..
.
'/
'
.'
·!
.··
)
.,·
i ..·' '
....
.'
/
/
/
scene. So he continued hi ~
walk to gel a beer which he
needed more than ever nm\
was still about 15 minutes
away by ftx)L He spoke wi ,
himself some more to pass 1
time more quickly.
"What was wrong with that
lad. That crazy bastard wa ~
yanking his body apart."
"I would assume that he wa
111 a bad mood or somclhin:
"WIIAT!! That was a little
more extreme than a bad
mood. fic' s probahly back
there ripping the rest of
Lad."
himself lo pieces."
'Tm not sure I know what
1-Ie was abou{ to pass a little
your talking about."
residential area that didn't
"Arc you not aware of this lad look inviting. Again to his
here before us doing crazy
surprise a nice gentlemen
things with his body?"
approached him .
"I don't see a boy before us" "Whazup bro? "
The boy then began to foam
The man lhrOw his hand out
heavily from the mouth and
for a little friendly shake. 01
proceeded to rip his fingers.
side of his jacket opened
off one by one. He threw Ins slightly so that Ed noticed
fingers at Ed's face landing
some gold watches and a bag,
one right in his ear. The
of sugar.
exposed knuckle tic*d the
"Say mayne, you'awnt need
inside of his ear and sent a
keep better track yourself, ol,
chill throughout his body.
boy here take care ya"
"Alright, you've got a serious ''I'm not certain what your
fucking problem if you don't asking me."
feel this dismembered finger
"I hear ya bro, looking for ;;
in our ear"
little pecauw"
"Actually I was kidding with The meu whipped out the
you. I noticed this boy on the plastic bag of sugar. Ed
ground all along. I didn't
thought to himself, "Am I
expect him to start flinging his running low on sugar? I
fingers at us though."
wonder if this fellow is .
The boy had exhausted his
offering a good deal."
supply of fingers on his left
A police officer was driving
hand and moved on to his
by, stopped, cuffed the man
toes. Ed realized it was
and hauled him off before b
probably time to exit the
could even find out how mut
he was charging.
"That's really unfortunate, I
guess its illegal tu sell sugar
without a proper license, wlwi
do you think"
"I think your a moron. Thai
man was not selling sugar"
He ignored himself for the n:
of the journey. All he really
wanted at this point was to ha
a beer but unfortunately the
bar was closed by the time he
got there .
He began to walk back only 1
realize that his imagination IL
gotten the best of him today.
He had been sitting on his
couch all along planning a tri
to the bar.
�Unrelated Titl e:
Everything is Related
TO GOTO HELL
by Jay-baby Withe rsp oon
Do nothin~! .You 've already done enough! "For the
wages of sm is death ;" Romans 6 :23a .
As I walke d down the street, I noticed something at my feet. I 1irst
looked around, and then back down. It was furry and cute, and nestled right
up to my boot, until I squashed its cute little furry face with my big-ass steeltoed boot, and mashed it with my heel a little more to make sure that every
last rhyme oozed out of its fluffy little cute furry face, and then I picked it up
and ate it just to spite its memory. It tasted cute.
And then, as I stepped around the next corner, which a few days
earlier, unbeknownst to the reader of this sentence or the coroner's office
around a different corner, had been the location of swirling winds, I spied
with an acute eye, trained through years of imaginary wanderings through
the hallowed temples of nonsensical clauses, and still quite unbeknownst to
the coroner's office, a sight which called forth in my mind, most hallowed in
its hallowing of frightening experiences, oh dear God, I am afraid of this
sentence, a beast not nearly so calm and cuddly as the afore-mentioned,
which now being quite squashed into a pulp whose uneaten parts remains
untouched to this day in the office of our hallowed coroner, who still does
not know his own sphincter from a black hole, but a beast with a frightful
gown of black and a flat hat and large teeth and wide mouth, staring straight
into my eyes, looking for its next witless victim. But I busted his shit up, too.
Whap! Poweel I said. Blom! and Kershmack! And I took my big-ass boot
and, with but a few concise motions, knocked every blooming clause out of
him. He tasted like rhetoric.
I moved onward, my steps ringing in my ears like so many clanks of
life's lonely bell, taking me into the dark unknown of my future. When I saw
the third and last beast (for now), with eyes through which one could see the
very brink of eternity, fear stole across my frame and danced a jig across my . spine. But I rose to the challenge with the determination of a young chick
hatchling, shoving back the protective shell of innocence to faco a bright
world whose slings and arrows might find their mark on my soul, but only to
scar my tender skin and make it stronger. Or, suffice it to say I also kicked
his ass. I crammed my big-ass continent of a boot right into his puny little
mouth and watched pathetic cliched poetry fly from his bloodied lips. He
tasted like a can of gooey worms.
MTICLE
_
turtl!1~o::x~ ~~~=:~.p:h::~:p:Yo}~~:~o~~~:~t; ~;~ t:Je~~; :~;~· £1fS?~i~~~t.~ ~\'
my
love, my boot love, my croon of - - my sounds. So kick 1t on down to the
..;
. ·
sound mound, a round mound of sound, and bound around. I'm down with
·~·
sound, and use it for my own pleasure and purposes. Porpoises spit, flom
bip, flap crip, but always sit shimmy.
The preceding sounds and subsequent thought undulations were
brought to you through a bitchin' assembly and cooperation of millions of
tiny neurons and corpuscles. Hope your own chemical/electrical reaction
was a good on~~
:.;:~-', _~~~~,0~~
..... ·
\
\
·~~
'J
~
An artist's conception of the vertical-rising, disc-shaped aircraft
being developed by the U .S. Air force and resembling the
popular conception ot the " flying saucer."
Staph Box:
~
·
W
THE RAT's Ass™
'"
itherspoon - spoon
p
IS A PHOUNDATIONAL
tom logue - moon
o:~::HORESCENCE OF PHUNKT!ONALLy
. .
NKED PHONDNEss PH
ta yJOVla II - h diddle diddle
s
ey
AlT
.
AILURE TO
;--:
' maft otixrn -cat
RI BUTE THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED
.~
HEREIN SOLELY TO THEIR AUTI;
i'~l
dave Sears - fiddle
RESULT IN A
ORS WILL t)~i
t..
PHALLACY OF PHENOMEN
!ri;(!
ross go hi 1\1: - cow
PHREQUENCY AND PHOR...
AL Jiff~
h. b
,., O/oo
?i;•I•;.
c ns rown-knife .
~~~~?~~~~~:~li
.. -----'-·-- -·--·-....'~i?!l..~= ~::..... .. . ·- .· - ..-,,.-·=-o~·""'=-'~."~'··~·"·=·~:7::~:.."::::=:io:=.:•:• 20:
Jr...
' 111:y
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 22, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 22, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass had "Please Don't Laugh" written on it. The front page has Stay Joviall giving a list of "The New Way." Dave Sears talks about Pecauw. On the last page Jhay Witherspoon tells us how "Everything is Related."
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Dave Sears, Ross Gohlke, Jhay Witherspoon
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81d2e70945cf99cb8eeaab1d40a3b211.pdf
756ec3adfa17146450f8c19ee6e59de3
PDF Text
Text
>o not let Grey Hairs
app e ar.
/j
.
Friday 15 October 1993 Volume 2 Number 8
"'Winner ef the prestigious %ome
.
cotntng 'lJanner Contest tliree gears ntnning"
Hamblin' Leaf
It was one of those days
about which I don't care a
fecal molecule. You know,
at least I do, a day that my
mutant cousin would
record in her dog-eared
"history" book. Anyway,
temporal
characters
aside, I happened to be
supine
beneath
a
cancerous oak, struck
senseless by the mystery
of driven oscillators and
their curvaceous nonlinearities. Oh, how I
adore the simplicity of
straight lines ... and then
came Einstein, slashing
Euclid with his glistening
Occam Razo; . Blimey,
what a bloody mess. There
he
lay
dise m b o w e I ed,
his
convu !sing guts crying
out in some gastric
semaphore. The flagging
colon, pancreas and
thyroid gestured in brave
geome:~y.
Aias, th ey
collapsed in a glutinous
heap.
The genius won, Euclid
lay bent forever. Who
knows, he might have
been gay, jolly, happy,
all smiles with Gabriel
about Pythagorus'
hypotenuse. Maybe, maybe
not. No matter how
geometry hightaileq to the
Pearly Gates, there were
undeniably intestines wedded to Momma
Earth. The squirrels
came. Chipmunks
scattered. Squirrels went.
The stench of fermenting
bile
tickled
Diehl's
nostrils. Thank God the
chap's mettle lay tested
(brass).
Flies. Hoards of them.
Red, blue, green, and
even a few pleasant
pastels. Glittering in the
sun, nature's jewels.
Even Newton's prism
couldn't have done better.
The gems did the Lord of
the Flies proud, circling
their fare like gnats. The
rats
congragated,
shrieking their courieranthem through gnashing
incisors. They waited. The
flies danced their dance,
waltzing to the rats from
Euclid's elements, their
sucking pads mating ratf ur. Off went those
~ ouriers,
through
earth's
orifices and holes
in Gothic foundations,
· oblivious of $500 . 95
chairs two storeys above.
The Flies left, summoned
by bifocaled Piggies. No
~~~~~~~~~~- naval officer in peak caps.
·
.
Bacteria would finish
/ " / l f / r s e.-Euclid's
I kne.w
. ..:-·-=a ( vv~
. '. "'"""' .
.,
·· ..
'-
·»
U ld t
mol~cules.
T~ ,.. ff1n~ ~nrl
• i • ""!'
r; •
r -·
~
, H w could they?
couldn t. 0
X Rays
Mutated by
on
and
spread-eagle
waxed trays.
I to dust,
oust to bowe s
was
ashes to ashes. F~~ was
never the same,
Physics.
(by dipak)
THE N ARCISSUS
�... As faculty and students
of one of ~he most prestigious
universities in the world, and
most Politically Correct I
might add, I challenge all of you
to take hold of the
breakthroughs of science and
dispel the antiquated myths of
our countrymen and our world.
To enlighten your brothers and
sisters and proclaim the truth
that man is a complex and
intricate machine run by
chemicals and hormones and
that man has no soul or "ghost"
running the machine.
The most destructive idea
that has burdened man is this
notion of a "soul" or "spirit"
that resides within every
pernon. This idea has caused
men throughout history to
oppress thinkerE, stifle the
progress of civilization, and
shackle itself in the chains of
religion. What a glorious day it
will be when all men know and
understand that emotions such
as lovs, happiness, hate, anger,
sexual preference, and
depression are only outward
signs of the chemical
processes taking place in the
human body. Now that we no
longer need a "soul" or "spirit"
to explain these emotional
phenomena, mankind is freed to
be what he is, a machine.
With the gospel of science,
we can dispel the idea of "God"
or "gods" that we have come to
accept merely as archaic
traditions based 0n false
information. The ideas ensuing
from these traditions must be
abandoned, no matter how
psychologically appealing. The
day has come for our chemists,
biologists, psychiatrists,and
geneticists to replace our
ministers and priests. The
college campus is now the place
where the salvation of science
can come to man.
Morality.ethics, human
rights, justice, and dignity are
to be given up and the
promotion of self (i.e. survival
of the fittest) is to become the
golden rule of human life. This
is the "morality" that we need
to call our race to obey. Let us
take the key of science and
release our genmation from the
bonds of religion.Thank you,
good night, and may Darwin
bless you all.
....
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cream, which can be
applied, with most
refreshing
results,
~ny time, any day .
Absolutely pure, llnd
nothing ir, it to en·
·courage j!rowth of
superftuous Hair.
1·.. · h1<11rr.:. ,t·c:.
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.
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........... 4
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......... ....... .
Mike Augspurger
Chris Brown
Clay Combs
Brian Dixon
Martin Fox
Jeff Gadomski
Pat Garrett
Dtpak Ghosh
Ros::l Gohlke
Julie Meililan
Charles Schafer
Don't miss next week's
surprising and insightful
Memojrs of a Memojr-thjef
episode:
0 n to Io g i ca I
Ontology With a Twist of
3
0
>'\
g.
....
c..
0
.Y'
ask faith and reason:
the advice column that is
really super
Ah yes," the other
party replies, "but you miss
the implied critique of the
conventional
fo rm s
of
_ fiction, a practice which we
1
crack redactor
crack columnist
crack c?lumnist
«':ack ven..ior
cracked
crack athi'.c ker
rack er Jftck
crack head
crack l'-•· 0 H;
crack pct
"the crack of dawn"
~
~0.
. '.\fr--.\ - );\_..
Sir lo rdly
1
Loa .
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~r ~"'\ ... ~
J-c;)·i d. ) !·t.
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1
••
•HAT
L.i.m.e.!
potentially
workab le
ambiguity occurs to him and
is unfortunately forgotten
before it can be written
down. "Contextual analysis
reveals,• he continues, "a
decided lack of substance
which has been exchanged
for trendily disconnected
lines of prose and ill-defined
metaphors.•
ft!
crack staff box:
~
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
~od.J"-- ~~' d~~~;r ~r.~~~crocht'~:;:!: •
•
uayCream
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, !he Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for, nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
the point where It fits most
nicely
th ese
few
paragraphs, taken in the
correct light, could be the
undoing of our entire cuiture
-- the dawning of a new
intellectual era.•
r
Prevents Obesity.
.,••-- ....--.0 •••,
..-
./ 'PomeroJJ
uays
or
Magic
ang
8§..strajnt. or. Memoirs of a
Memojr-Tbjef. part I
by Martin Fox
Rehearsals of death
wound down slowly as he
left the funeral parlor and
became obsessed with
wearing inner tapestries.
the need for narrative flow,
or plot, waned as he walked
that lonely city of ghosts.
'Why have characters, or
t, even interaction ... ?'
He
murmured a bit too loudly
. into a cup of cheap coffee,
unaware that the rest of !he
diner's patrons overheard
him and would note this
remark in their reports to
the central committee.
'Divisive forces surround
us.' he continues to sub'Does it matter
vocal ize.
where they originate?"
Now seeing the next
potential segue in the letter
he plans ~c write to th 3
editor of the Oswa ld
assassination magazine, he
leaps up and rushes out of
the restaurant, forgetting to
pay the bill, and not noticing
the shift in tense.
Two months later, he sits
at his desk attempting to
avoid dozing off, as a
I
l
\
.,,...
)
[
~
-:
."./
~
Q
"'~
,, Some Caiders. Yeast will quickly r«ise
. 1 A lad tho.~ keeps· for sev'ral ·a ays.
I
I
I
".'
1
•
Dear Faith and Reason,
moral
Are
there
absolutes? I want to know because
if there aren't, how can we find a
meaningful way to live our lives -also, wouldn't that make obeying
ru~es point.less and silly?
Sincerely,
NoahB. Leaf
Faith: Well, for starters, there
are moral absolutes. Just look at
the Bible. You cut out the stuff
that takes them for granted and -hey -- instant pocket Bible. What
kind of question is that, anyhow?
No moral absolutes, my foot.
Reason : Hmmm... I don't know.
This question is a real toughie.
The existence of moral absolutes
bas plagued humanity for a long
time, at least since I got to
college, and nobody's convinced
everybody else yet. Maybe if ~
talk around it I'll say something
profound.
Let me think... .
Nobody would disagree that we
have moral relatives. I mean,
everybody has what I call an "Aunt
Gertie figure" -- you know, that
chaste teetotaler you avoid at
family reunions because she's just
no fun. Also, there are plenty of
nonmoral absolutes -- laws of
science and such .
This is
beginning to bore me. I think the
point is, it's a lot more fun if you
don't buy into this whole m:.• .-1
thing. Especially the "abso2.:ite"
part. Tbere,s net enough mom &
aor
interpretation, really. Anyway,
obeying rules is pointless ~nd
st:ty, especially when you can tell
the room doesn't have those
rotating cameras. Also, abou, that
"meaning" stuff, give it up. It's a
waste of time. Just get one of
those goal-setting books and
adopt a wellness plan .
Clay's Column
by Clay
You can't come home again
Well, folks, it's fall and
we've sailed with little pomp
past another anniversary of the
greatest album of the 1980s
(The Unforgettable Fire) and
the leaves are sweetly tumin'.
All that can only mean one
thing, of course. It's time for
}lomecoming.
Ah, Homecoming! When
alums from the great collegiate
days of yore come back for a
look at the old school. When
class ;reunions bring together
old chums and kindle
bittersweet memories of
simpler, more innocent times.
When the mild-mannered folks
over in Development lick their
chops in a delirium of delicious
antich;ation. (Didn't they tell
you '1~ great privilege of being
an alumna/ us
is
the
opportunity to be hit up for
dough for the construction of a
$17 million weight room, the
glorious final step in the Make
Rhc,des More Like Vandy
campaign?)
Yes, it's Homecoming and
I, for one, couldn't be more
excited. Only once a year do
we aiums get the chance to see
so uiany of the people we've
"lost track of.'' The sweet bird
of scheduled chance meetings.
Imagine all those tres bons
nwts in one place!
Herewith, a sample
conversation, with subtexts:
Happy and Successful
Alum #1: Hey. . . [pause just
long enough to make it
obvious he or she doesn 't
remember the other person's
name] How are you doing?
It's so good to see you. [You
were in my path as I was
heading for the keg. Why
don't you go be in someone
else's way?]
Happy and Successful
Alum #2: Oh, hi. .. [similar
pause that says, 'I know the
name, but I can't place the
face'] I'm doing great. What
are you doing with yourself
these days? [Hitting the sauce
a little hard, there, o ren't we ?
One nwre brew and you migti
spew from here to Palmer
Hall.]
HSA #I: Just wrapped up
a doctorate at Stanford .
Comparative Lit. What about
yourself? [Bet you didn't even
get into grad school. Or
perhaps a Master's in Social
Life, Correspondence School
U.?]
HSA #2: I'm a junior
partner in a firm down in
Atlanta. [More money than
you'll ever dream of, btJy.]
HSA #1: Sounds great.
[Shoot me if I ever aspire to
junior partnership in
anything.] Don't you love it
down there? [That provincial
backwater?]
HSA #2: Oh, yeah, it's
fantastic. [pause for just the
appropriate half-second] Well,
I'm going to move on. [...
and talk to someone with a
life.] Take care of yourself.
[Don't spew.]
::SA #I: Okay, you do
the same. [Yeah, whatever.]
Give my love to Tracy.
[Raving bitch stood me up
one night junior year.]
[Please, God, keep the coast
clear all the way to the keg
this time.]
Sounds
idyllic .
:fomecoming, here we come!
�Mr. Wiggleston :
Last Friday after
my last class,
I
rushed to the Rat to
see what sort of
trash
was
being
printed in that most
meaningless of campus
rags, the Rat's Ass.
f i r St
My
disappointment came
at the eight of the
blatant carelessness
with
which
the
•femininity
speed
issue" was assembled.
Yet
my
astonishment was made
absolute as I perused
your
verbose
and
odious interpretation
of my "poem" as you
called it, only to
--------·-- ------------·
'YUMKAX
"De Reszke"
Dios del Maiz
(God of Corn)
~CIGARETTES
f'.ra1 bestowed by 11116iased judgc1 is convinse
cmg. .The fol.lowing opinions• of" De Reszke"
A 111enrm1 Cigarettes arc · those of well-known
·. ~ people whose words
r~ must carry weight:-
.
A. G. G•rdioer Esq
discover, much to my
'-- write~ :-" I find tho · u~
-'
Restke • A ,,..rican Cigarown amazement (not to
-" etr~s mott es:oellentdehcate and lndlYidual in
mention
disgust),
flavour, a P«fect harmony
of qualit1.
that my name was
po~ald C~hhrop, E1q. write1 :
.,I 11 ke I he De Reszko ' ';l ,,.,,.ican
associated with an
C1gann tes extremely, ~nd con.
sJ::er them excellent Jn e vcr1
anti-American jab at
way."
the
Vietnam
War
• Othu oplnio111 In other .. De
Reu:ke" oJocrliumenl.s
evoked
by
purely
Sold at a ll Military Can teens
at Ho me and Overseas also
sexual imagery and
T obacconists and Stores. '
the rape motif .
11/EDICAL OPIN ! Ol .
I
suppose
I
"JU BO L . is a1~ ex ccl~ e nt combina li? n ~f acti\·e ~gc:_n ts fo r th ~ l rea~~
should be grateful to
m e nt of mtest111al ch sorde rs. It 1s l11g hly succe",,ful . ~o r .ch rom e
constipa tion, re -e du catio n o f th e in testin e, and fac1litat111g the
you
for
your
di gesti ve p rocess, while it as ~ i~.t s. in pre \·ent 111g th e deve lopme nt. o f
adoration
of
my
e nterocolitis.
Its well -esta blisll ed effic a c ~· d esen·es th e a ttention
poetic skills, but
o f p hysicia ns as 1re ll as s uffe re rs to th e me rit s o f ~ CBO T_. ."
the fact is, I am not
Dr. JE .-\:\ S.-\LO :\IO:\", Pa ns :\f e tl1 cal F ac ulty.
even a po.e t.
Truth
be known, those four P ·":>arcd b~· J. [.. Cli~tclain , Ph.
little lines you so c ·· -~ :u ist , l'aris. Ca n he o hta111l•tl from a ll
-: :nists a n<l tlr ttJ.;' s tores, o r
graciously praised c:--~·· t. po'it frt' •', from the-.~
l- - :: -> h ant.l C 1ilo nia l 1\ g-t• nt ~.
were never meant to c::::tP , . . .J... ,1..,, j1 ~.....t I' h ar 111 a ~ r is ts
reaoh the light of l V ·:q; 11 L hc1111sb . •'J I, Pk1·a - an d
..; . London . \ \"., fro m
day.
Several weeks " :. ·rn a lso can be h a ll, p os t
i- - . th
rxp
ago
I
was
baby- b...;.;Jetse : fu'll:-=.r:il.'nla nato ry
·
t :.:.~ R <'111 c1
lics ' a nti
sitting a four year ' ·~ - ~ .~ t isc o n Di1..~t .'
old
in
a
house
without a TV , and,
being hard- pr essed to
keep
the
t ot
l ·
1>
entertained, I was
forced to resort to a
astime I
learned
long ago at Vac ation
B '1
ble School- cutting
out random words from
old
N a t i o n a l
Geographic magazines
and
:making
word
collages. The little
brat cried all night
because
his
last
baby-sitter
had
brought with her a
Nintendo G ...;..~boy, and
I was cold turkey.
Since I'd already
put the cement glue
(I found a jar under
the parents' bed) on
the paper, I forced
the
unthankful
enfante terrible to
stick some words to
it so the sausage
rinds in the trash
wouldn't stick to it
when I threw it away,
which I promptly did,
but not before the
borish bairn wrote my
name at the bottomhis idea of hilarious
revenge.
Apparently those
rascally Rat ' s Ass
editors (at least I
agree
with
your
assessment of them)
were digging through
dumpsteco later in
the week, looking for
a wholesome meal, and
dug
out
that
me a ningless p iece of
"poetry" and stuck it
in their trashy paper
for
a
lack
of
material .
I'm sorry for t he
mix - up.
But, du.ie ,.
g-et a life .
-Ross Goh l ke
�
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The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
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Newspaper
Title
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The Rat's Ass, October 15, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 08
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from October 15, 1993. The headline reads "Homecoming Issue!" The front page offers the ramblings of Dipak Ghosh, while the centerfold holds a satirical piece by "Dr. Rev. Mr. W. E. Coyote", and shorter pieces by Martin Fox and Clay Combs. The back page hosts Ross Gohlke. This issue is relatively sparse in terms of quantity of pieces when compared to the previous few.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Dipak Ghosh, Martin Fox, Clay Combs, Ross Gohlke, Mike Augspurger, Chris Brown, Brian Dixon, Julie Meiman, Charles Schafer, Pat Garrett
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/81a904812cef2279ef980584fdca1756.pdf
16de7ad6520ab3bd3e24d58445c36d82
PDF Text
Text
-
•A Beacon of Self-Righteousness in these Evil Times•
(~
~\
11
Volume II Issue 6
excerpt from "I am Womban Hear
Me Roar" by Stacey Greenberg
was okay I 1 .
My final eighteen-wheeler
~om.b b~t sa~a~~ed around The
delivered me to the front door of
e Window th
one. Out of
an inviting bar called "The
empty. Just
streets were
Womb". I labored my worn out
~~~ed t~ the ta~ eyes
body and belongings through the
stared
bottle
swinging doors, plopped down
wonderinr up and down is ey. I
into a plush pink booth, and
ordered a Wild Turkey straight
hiding tha~ whdere she had b
up, no feathers. The waitress
hypothesis~"' fonned a solfden
rore Ipoured myself
gobbled knowingly and produced
my drink from behind her back.
"Mind if I join you?" she
said.
I was used to this
question. "As long as you don't
ask me what my sign is."
She produced another
Turkey and coke from under her
skirt, smiled, and joined me in the
booth. She sat so close that I felt
like a twin. "I know an aries
when I see one," was all that she
said, but she seemed to know
what she was talking about. She
looked like a wildflower and
smelled like honey. I started to
envy the bees.
"Oh yeah? About the only
thing I know right away is
whether a guy has a big penis." I
was nervous. I always talked
a shot S
about penises when I was
Propo~ed he did the
nervous.
"o-a toast.
same and
She licked her lips and
nere'
111·
And s to us "
said, "To tell you the truth I think
lvi1randa.
that's h OW[
.
penises are becoming obsolete."
met
This one I had never heard
before. A chill ran up my spine
and froze my nipples. I was
being seduced by a woman and it
u:
h~ntire
~f~~ _n~w
Tbe Rat's Ass is assembled by
a crack staff of Rhodes students
and/or friends, published
whenever the staff feels like it,
and distributed for mass
consumption in the domain of
actual campus publications, the
Rat. Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published. There is neither
regard for, nor claim of ~th,
so don't get on us about it.
Feel free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus mail
to anyone of the poor souls
listed here.
~
Jll
-:::: J"- '~
..
LNOVL.GWl ~OUR HlS
suPER
poWER
Pandora's Staff sox
StaeeY Qreenberg
Chuck scbafer
Mike Augspurger
Julie MeimaD
Ross Gohlke
cbriSBrown
Spite
Hate
Ma}ice
Penis Envy
JealOUSY
Halitosis
DuldrUJllS
Clay combs
l)iarrbea
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
canker Sores
�Real World Productions
by Jeff J. Gadomski
As the Rat's Ass Staff
Stripper and Rhodes College
ex-patriot, I, too, have a voice.
And my voice has a few choice
words for you', the great
"educated" masses: Oh please.
After having several weeks
worth of Rhodes daily minutae
literally thrown at me by my
fellow staffers and no less than
unfortunate roommates, I have
come to the acute realization
that perhaps some Rhodes folk
are not quite ready for what we,
speaking for everyone else in
the whole of the known
universe, like to call the real
world. Not to say that it
shouldn't be called the real
universe, but I figure if you're
not ready for your own world
yet, chances are you're
definitely not ready for the rest
of it. Let me further explain
by offering up a small test of
your Real World Adaptability
Times (RAT). Now, in this
case, we won't actually be
timing you for real (contrary to
the premise behind this
column) because, again, you're
probably not ready for it. Are
you wearing a watch with a
second-hand? I rest my case.
In any event, simply answer
the questions given and tally
up your score using the key
following the test. Ready?
Go:
1) You're at the office of the
leasing agent for your
apartment.
The annoying
women helping you has just
informed you that you will not
be given your original deposit
because, they say, you forgot
to wipe off the bathroom sink.
This will easily cost them the
FRYE'S FAMOUS BOOTS .
f ine quality
$100 you gave them in order to
have it taken care of.. .they say.
How do you respond to this
unfortunate dilemma?
a) Cry until they give you
the money
b) Tell them your daddy is
a lawyer, call him up, and have
him yell at the mean old lady.
c) Nimbly leap the counter
in order to better throttle the
woman with your bare hands
so as
to procure your money.
d) Say "OK. Thank you,"
quickly and ashamedly exit the
building without further ado
like the spine-less worm of a
wimp that you are.
2) Due to unfortunate and
untimely
financial
circumstances, you are being
hounded by any number of
people who like referring to
themselves as "collection
agencies" (not to be
misconstrued as "mafia"). The
money that they would like,
you do not happen to have and
are most likely not going to
find in the cushions of your
second hand couch. How do
you react to the nasty phone
call precluding an untimely and
surely unnatural accident that is
sure to follow?
a) Whine until they kill
you for humanity's sake.
b) Call your daddy, explain
the situation, and have him
send them the money.
c) Have your number
changed right after having your
hair colored and moving out of
state.
d) Offer them your
girlfriend, invite them to
Thanksgiving dinner at your
place, and thank them for
calling you a spineless piece of
puffed-up blowfish shit.
3) You have no food at your
apartment. You have just
moved and opened up a brand
new checking account. You do
not have your ATM card yet
and your checks are those plain
complimentary ones they give
you at the bank (not the cool
"Natural Scenery" ones that
you special ordered). After
spending 2 hours shopping at
the local grocery store, the
cashier tells you in her best !can't-believe-what-an-idiot-youare voice that they cannot
accept bank checks that have
no address printed on them. It
is after 5pm and the bank is
closed. You have a total of 79
cents in change on your
person. What is the logical
thing to do?
a) Put on your best pouty
face and hope the cashier thinks
it's so cute she gives you the
food.
b) Call your daddy, have
him fly in from Boston, and
make him pay for the food.
c) Beat the cashier soundly
about the face and head with
the bag of oranges you had
wished to purchase and make a
break for the door with as
much food as you can carry in
your shirt.
d) Realize the futility of
arguing with the GED failure
standing in front of you, thank
her, and head for Taco Bell
where you can have 5 whole
tacos that might even last you
until your checks arrive.
So. There you have it.
That's the test. How did we
do? As far as scoring goes, if
you answered anything except
D for . any of the above
questions, you're in for a very
large surprise when school's
over and your parents have
given you the "We didn't raise
a sponge" speech. If you
answered C, however, make
sure and send all your old
college buddies letter from the
"joint" because you and your
new wife, Billy Joe Jim Bob,
are going to have a lot of free
TO: REV. DAUGHDRILL
time on your hands.
--l
FROM: chns brown
Now then , I hope you all - I
DATE: OCTOBER 1, 1993
have learned a valuable lesson :;:from this. Stop all ·of your U
SIR, I also find the death
.
pathetic little crying and T I
but your attempt to conso~f ~~land Smith saddening,
whining about such stupid, ~
probably did more h
h e e student body
trivial little things that Rhodes
your memorandum r~:;n:~t~ood. I find this one section of
is doing, Certain things, such ·.-Ll
.
as Prof. Byers leaving ,
"There is little comfort in
.
.
,
educational standards of \I)
teaching, and other issues that. V'>'
we norm~l/y follow. The on~h~a r~~1onal and intellectual pursuits
concern your schooling and
comes with acceptance and fait~ mg comfort is the peace that
lmaz1ng New Way to
, a peace that passes u d
general life after school are, in
Even though th'
n erstanding.aEou
fact, important and should be
and that Judais's ~hool teaches that the Bible .
whined about as such .
I ask you to d. mis a coalescing of Mesopotam· ts full _ error
o_f
the size of your
However, when it comes to
1sconnect yo
.
tan reltg1ons
things like the "new" candle
io disow~ inte11ectua1 pursuY; ~·~hds from your emotions; ,
o trade in the r .
e name of psy h I .
.. .
.
•
and open-flame restriction
and to take I at~onal for the irrational
c o og1cal comfort for the k
.. ·- ..... "i.ake
imposed on dorm rooms (by no
so ace in th t
.
sa e of relig' . c'ilhbecause timeless word a keveryth1ng will be ok
No·""' -:···....
ton, iioW'
means intended to demean last
and Ii
s ta en from b
•
FA11 cuE 1
... ,
,
•
week's brilliantly elocuted
ttered With quasi-answ
a OOk fuf/ Of myth
~ R ci;nla r u f ~lcln,.·A·~,;i,;,;1· 'r cilt c
se.o
article by our own Julie
should be enough to soothe ;;: wh_ich must be heavily filtered
:;,~~se~~~"·~~:·~:·e :?l~~;:x;~;i;~~:.ffi~;~~~
On the contrary th' .
e pain and sorrow of 1· . .
by the educated m1·nd
;o .1o n c -1he
Meiman, a fellow Catholic and
Th '
• IS IS Utterly d'
.
IVtng in th'
/
is college teache .
isgustmg and re u
is word.
,n AT H OME
a damn fine complainer) or the
and that on t
h S tts students that this , h p gnant to anyone Who th· k
.
.iilc you rend yo ur
food in the Rat, look at it this
.
in s.
... or even sleep
new SYnt heSIS COncemin t we should t rust ft and COme tOB'bl e IS
.op t at , tha
. s w at the I
" '
...m AT THE OFFICE
.
·· · ~ ;.l "t;.. Y ..ope n,-yo ur mail.
o,u
way: if you don't like it, don't
I would th
g our tntellectu I
.
a
, ~ ''~p,g1; TH AN 3s o ooo OW NE
be the first in line to give the (}.J
ra er be a nihilist then b II
_ pursuits and faith
a
'"·n"~' \1)111Rc!nli-A-cizor 'is th e smart,.!~
school money when you -<
~oorryca/Rled "Christian college" sellsetoe~te in the god that this .
i~;!~;ji;.;r~,·,~;~,.;~ ~~ r;~';; ~':., ·:~oi::
ev. Mr. D th k
I s students
\ii' rf'I~ t >n "notch or SO' • ••
graduate. If the school didn't
, an S but no tha k
•
."·> " 01 A VIURA TOR ... not a m e
a!Sa
.
0 S.
· f'° · J ~e . . . No diet or. wci gl 1t loss involve~
have all it's private funding, it
.
. I . Las Vegas castno
ha nk s. l o mode rn science. Helnx-A-c izor r :
.
'lj "j' me by nc <u nll y exe rcisin g yo ur mu scle",
might be slightly more
Patty tn t he ear/y 1960sI working as a crgarette gtr tn a
,,..' ·' '
w II e you '""·
attentive to the students rather
, ~.• MOH E FA CT S ... yo urs f o r· the o k
,... ~ ·
J.:rg.k Se n,~ coup on for F REE illu s t rn t!led
than to their parents.
oo le t , ln s lnnt Exe r cise " - il 's FREE
OF cosr on OBLI GAT ION !
If you really want
H
.ATIONWl 'l E! NEW YORK CITY 711
Fifth Avenue, MU a. 4690 • CH ICAGO
something to whine about,
IL~INOIS , 17 Nort h State St reet '
. Suite 800, ST 2- 5680 • LOS ANGEL ES'
8
why not call your parents and
; ~~~l:~aRr~~A'oC g.s~i~h. L~o~;0~~~.1
; ~~f: ~y6 57 Bloor St reet West;
ask them to send money in
I
order to fund your favorite
J ~- . A
,,~~
''; ~·® '",,,..,., • •
axtt.ciz or ·-··-publication. Or, perhaps, to
, '. . "
I
use the money in order to bail
this writer out of jail after he
gets arrested for blatantly using
1• ~g~:~.~~.~,;~'. ~~~ 1~~"''
I
a copyrighted name to title his
·--· ft. ·-· . ·-· II Send me the "J~STANT EXER CISE" book let with- I
article. Next week: "Letters ;~~
~
outMcRost or obli ga tion - send In pl ain pac ket. I
.....~ , ..,,..
I 0 '
0 MRS.
0 MISS
from the joint -- greenbacks
I NAM E.
I
" ClTY
ADDRESS
I
and what to do without them."
. '\
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Now that's the real world for
,.c·~· '- ·••.
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�New News from the Old
Testament
By Pat "Zippetty Doo Da"
Garrett, Mike "From E to Z"
Augspurger, and Chuck "Busy
B" Schafer
The Bible as compiled by
monks of yore left many
chapters and books out of the
final edition. This recently
excavated chapter from the
book of Job (rhymes with
globe, robe, and ear lobe) gives
rise to an interesting new
interpretation.
Chapter 15b Job: I have heard
many things like these;
miserable comforters are you
all! God assails me and tears
me in his anger and gnashes
his teeth at me; my opponent
fastens on me his piercing
eyes. You are wrong, I am
right, na nanee boo boo stick
your heads in doodoo.
Bildad: But don't you believe
in retributive justice? You
must have done something
horrendous to deserve all these
boils. Are you sure you don't
ever spill your seed on the
ground or let your daughter see
your feet? Come on now.
Eliphaz: God assails you!
And yet you say you have been
pious? Hmmm. God says
he'll be good to faithful
believers, you are a faithful
believer, and you're covered
with pus. Waketh thee up, my
son! Thou needeth counseling.
Zophar: Alright, stop, castrate
it, and listen,
God is back with a brand new
dementia,
Somethin's gonna grab you
tightly,
Pain-in-all-your-boils daily and
nightly,
Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't
know,
Check out my beat and let the
blood flow.
I am Zophar the rappin'
Naamathite
And I'll bu~t a move on your
.
God th mg plight
Bildad: That was a righteous
move you busted, Zophar.
Job·
G.
.
ive me not that
fai~less blaspemy, my posse!
You re not down with trustin
g
the Lord of Hosts!
Bildad: He's more like the
Lord of Hostess Snacks
judging by that white stuff
over you. It reminds me of
Little Deborahs.
·
Eliphaz: If it were only true
that Twinkies had an infinite
shelf life!
Zophar: Now Job my fresh
friend, you do not listen,
You be way wrong in dis
funky down position.
Naked you popped from yo'
mama's ole womb,
And now you all sored up
lookin' like a buffoon.
Womb. Buffoon. Boom.
Boom. Chica chica.
Scratch, chica, chica, scratch,
scratch, chica, BOOM. .. .
a1i
ed. note: The text moves
along in something of the
same vein for approximately
200 more lines. We thought
this was plenty.
by Brian Dixon
Anti-freeze Apple
Liquod Lead
Bloody Mary Red
Molasses
Cajun Blackened Banana
Dazzling Draino
Barney Sweat
Bruised Fruit
Super Premium Unleaded
Pock Mark Punch
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, October 01, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from October 01, 1993. The headline reads, "Special Space-Filler Issue". Accordingly, it features fewer pieces than most other issues. A selection from Stacey Greenberg's "I am Womban Hear Me Roar" is featured on the front page. The centerfold houses an article from Jeff Gadomski instead of his customary comic strip. Chris Brown writes a strong letter to Rev. Daughdrill, and Dipak Ghosh's poem hides in the bottom right hand corner. The back page has a piece from Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, and Chuck Schafer in which they reveal a previously unknown chapter of Job. Brian Dixon lists ten rejected Kool-Aid flavors.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stacey Greenberg, Jeff Gadomski, Chris Brown, Pat Garrett, Mike Augspurger, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Julie Meiman
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ef32bc4b519e70ec7a869d3a0bf6b20.pdf
abd9c37fff3ac1cb2931c28cd49253b6
PDF Text
Text
Call Me:
Exclusive Interviews with Paul and Art!!
'<
@)'
E-Area 26/WALLS-An
l s
s
I
f
One Small Step for NASA and
One Giant Leap for
Michael Jordan
by Brian Dixon
Another Space Shuttle launch
was scrubbed last week.
What's new? NASA has made
it a habit recently to screw
up, look outdated, and in
other words, seriously booboo.
Need I mention the lost Mars
Probe? Probably not.
What about the space shuttle
mission prolonged because
bad weather prevented a safe
daytime landing. Eventually,
the scientists decided to risk
it, to let the shuttle land unprecedently in the dark. After
propelling the ship through
earth's atmosphere where it
navigated through asteroid
belts and other celestial obstacles, the scientists were
worried about insufficient
light? I can just envision the
post-landing
exuberance.
Control room scientists and
engineers jumping up and
slapping hi-fives, screaming
"yessssrr ," realizing that by
conquering the dark they had
nearly twelve extra hours
each day with which to work.
.I
n overcrowded table"
"Justan$rshee~~in~l
P
~
November
The latest mission, which was
canceled twice before finally
lifting off, is another gasser.
The stated mission? To study
the effects of weightlessness
on the human body. Hello!
I've heard of more advanced
research in a sixth grade science fair. After thirty years of
space study and travel they're
still unsure about those effects? Its called floating, lots
of it. I thought we were all
squared away on this one. Remember that golfball the astronaut teed off with from the
moon? Still floating.
Maybe NASA needs to rethink
its purpose, come up with a
new mission. Afterall the
cold war, the reason NASA
was born, to keep up with
?ur neighbors the Joneskies,
IS over. At one time NASA
may have been a point of national pride, a symbol that
America had conquered as
much terrestial frontier as
possible, that we had
nowhere to go, as it were, but
up. Perhaps they need to invest some time in watching
Star Trek: 1Jze New Genera~ion in the hopes of reaping
Ideas that others have already
sown. Perhaps a manned
mission to Mars, the moon of
the nineties, is just what
NASA needs.
But then again, maybe NASA
•
ju't n0<d.. to hang up tho
back on an ill
.
space boots and retire.
remembering u:~rious career,
Michael Jordan, America's
the first m
at they put
greatest aviational wonder,
an
Th ey won th on th e moon.
did it. Walked away from the
race has b e race, but the
game in his heyday. No com196
een over ·
9. If they t "II
s111ce
petition he said. Again, now
out Winne s J Want to go
that the cold war is over
rs, though
h ad better hur
' they
NASA has the same problem.
ups are bec:;'·. The goofShould they follow Jordan
A m 111g more
prevalent
into the world of relaxation
Michael ]~rdannd afterall,
and unlimited product enball in mid-flightever lost a
dorsement? They could look
/'
·
.
.
_,b rt Q.
J1
Am e.r Jc et,,.( yf.4. 114
I
- - ....J--:
_ •
0
e c r , E Jl.f ,4 '- ' - /
I
t T+A. A"' -z(.. (..
f e{;
Co.. rrJ
�Rarrblin Leaf
cy Dipak cnsh
Leaves, leaves
everywhere. It's
Fall.
Is
He
telling rre to shed
my leaf and fall
to rrv senses? No.
God is nice. (So
"COOL" that hell
is Har. ) He wants
me to fly. I can
feel it. The cold
air shrinks, gets
denser, sinks and
lifts rre up to the
heavens. Not too
high. I'm only
I
truth. Slate.
Dark, grey slate.
Halliburton stood
up, ringing that
The Hip, Happening
Spots Around Town.
by ruthle stephenson
..
l>
n
. .,
...
, , LOOKING
. ·. 'FOR Y OUR
that Rhodes in the las t
ten years has grown 4 6
· percent. The statement
hurran.
DREAM HOME'r was followed by an
e>:N>!'l exclamation
point.
Higher, higher.
· +~ Clearly this was a
The sun doesn't
I promising statistic.
blind me, it's
)., .,.,·.·•.
I would like ask ,
~:::::===------·-1 1
whether Rhodes needs to
shrouded with
has
grey. It's cold. _. Where to buy it? See last page . grow. The schoolsmall
defined itself as a
The wax won I t r, Bursting at the Seams
liberal arts college. Its
purpose is to be one of
melt' i I 11 stay "
by Mike Augspurger
I
My experience in the
the best of these in the
airborne.
world of business has
nation; the object is
Laplace has been
been small. I was once a
clearly quality.
Does
cashier for a summer. I
growth forward this goal?
Trans forming my
even took Economics my
Will increasing the
mind brutally. Hew
second year. Most of the
student
body
size
equitable are
class seemed to be
without hiring new
common sense.
But
professors move the
differentials?
every once in awhile I
Lorentz wasn' t
would hear something
.
which seemed countermu ch
k l n de r
intuitive. My professor
either. My head
once told us. or perhaps
hurts. The whiter
it was the text book. that
international expansion
sandstone was an
in business most often
illusion. I took
results from a CEO's ego.
In expansion into the
off an d saw t h e
farthest reaches of the
East and Gaul and
Brittania, a business
more often ends up
opening itself for attack
than
securing
it.s
school toward this goal?
interests.
I hactr:i t
President Daughdrill
realized that personality
wrote in the Rhodes
played
a
part in
Today that a school must
international economics.
balance business and
1 hadn't realized that
academics. This makes
growth wasn't always
sense.
New students
justified.
bring new money.
I
The most recent
wonder only whether this
Rhodes Today. in a series
steady increase in size is
of answers to common
not
gradually
alumni questions. said
undermining the goal for
I
h-
Her name Is Virginia
and she's really cool.
She's my mentor I was
matched With through
Leadership Rhodes, but
I consider her an older
'.!
friend because she's
loads of fun. We hang
out and go to a new
dive for lunch once a
week. #The first joint
we hit a few weeks ago
was the Fowway Grill-(don't get it confused
With the Two Way). The
Fourway Grill is located
back in midtown on (I
think) Mississippi
Blvd. --a section of town
Sou.th.western R,e.,iew
you might not want to
is still acceptinq submissions
pogo stick through in
of fiction . poetry, photos,and.
the middle of the night.
The only entrance to
other artwork. The DEADLINE
the FW is in the back,
and the vinyl padded
is WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10.
door is studded with
The are three ways to submit:
furniture tacks. Kind of
1)By computer (see instructions
like this: r-----~
in the HacLab), 2)'I'hru library
Upon
viewing
reserve folder 1000, 3)slip
this
it under 'I'alDlli's door
awesome
(114 Voorhies). LIMIT 5
decor, I
realize
submissions per person.
that
Contrary to popular belief,
·;,
I must
which 'the business
you need not be bitter
aspects of Rhodes exist
" . ring the bell In order to
to submit, but we do encourage
be let in to see the
in the first place.
0
inner decorations as
Alumni might want a \ _
i
diy~r,st.~ ~ .c:r~~i~. ,: , i
well as for lunch. # The
L1)<' l r. I n(. ff\h I J 1 1 1 1( 1 0 _. T: I ._:.,
'
larger school; everyone
eating area Is nice &
wants a school that is
r.
.. ..,; . _---:.__ . ,
'.. i
cozy With approximately
recognized. Perhaps the
8 tables covered With
President and the Board
vinyl tablecloths.
,1of Trustees want a larger
Pictures of famous
people line the walls
and give the place lots
of atmosphere--not to
mention our friendly
'\ :"
,,
f ". . \
and helpful waitress.
;:""'.~' Ji:,.,," . .. - '
..
- ....
....:;. .
For lunch I ordered
·-.
fried chicken-their
Top Ten "If You Haven't
supposed specialty. It
Read It" Slogans Rejected
was good, but I'm no
school; most people
..,, ·· connoisseur when it
by the Commercial Appeal
would be thrilled to be
comes to fried chicken.
among Memphis Mag. Virginia ordered some
by Brian Dixon
azine's
50
most
.,/",.. veggies: something like
important people for,
r· ~
beans and red cabbage.
IO.
1'
Virginia and I agreed
among two or three
If · · · it reall)_' hasn't happened.
9.
things, bringing Rhodes
that the cornbread
If · · · some btrd is poopin' on it
8. If · · . then go to hell.
muffins were by far the
an accounting master's
·
7. If · · · you probably never will.
best-especially if you
degree program. But as a
douse them in honey.
6.
student. I want a better
If
you might not
#The Fourway Grill is a
5. If ·. ·. ·. you're a goob. know how to read ·
small liberal arts college.
popular lunch spot
And I don't see any
4.
amongst mid/down
evidence indicating that ~ ':' ,.;>} 3 • If · · · we hope someone else has
towners. It opens at
If · · · neither have we.
·
growth moves Rhodes
2.
11 :00, so get there
towards that goal.
1. :: ... you~re probably reading The Rat's Ass
early if you want a seat.
... It might be written in Hebrew.
And don't forget to ring
the bell.
J
'Jhe
l
.•
>
"
" ~ ~:.-
'f U:~,;g on iJy!
>
"
-·
Clay Combs
Brian Dixon
Pat Garrett
Chuck Schafer
Julie Meiman
Mike Augspurger
Ross Gohlke
Martin Fox
Chris Brown
&rand Boy
Peon
HiredHand
Fetcher
Scribe
Assistant
Trainee
Help
Hanger-on
�l
v alid," he questions
one of the actors in
the TV drama, uto be
more concerned about
the stru c ture of a
work of fiction than
the actual content
therein?"
character
The
turns,
continuing
his lines: " ... well,
of course.
You've
got to put in the
elements you wish to
1
· have
in the story·
'Be sure also to lead
reader
to
'the
/ closely examine varwi thin that
structure, as well
as to obser v e the
incloseness
the
cidents adhere to
of
various
parts
Is
this structure.
there, for instance,
a larger structure
made up of smaller
parts?"
Th• Werewolvea
of
Suburbia,
or,
Memoir•
of
a
Memoir-Thief,
part 3
by Martin Fox
Entranced by the
carpet's
pattern,
our
hero
conceptualizes, but is
unable
to express
his theory of spacet ime.
Development
here and now is made
untenable and not
worthy of defense,
as he
imagines a
burning city in the
distance.
uMore comforting
arrangements can be
found-but would
you want them?" he
attempts to imply in
the way he buys a
pornographic
magazine.
As he
walks away from the
kiosk,
he glances
back at the clerk,
who seems oblivious
message.
his
to
#Inundated
by
culture, I see . .
he shouts over his
shoulder, gaining no
more attention from
the
vendor.
He
quickens his step,
looking about
the
station for the two
men
he'd
thought
were fol lowing him.
How much had his
actions been monitored on November
24,
-t
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To follow this everdarkening tale, read
the next episode of
Memoirs of a Memoir Thief. Monster in MY
£Qtl .
m
I
en
-<
r
-t
m
1963?
He
later
eats
dinner in front of
the television, and
sees a clever camera
angle for the film
he's been
to make.
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 5, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 5, 1993. It sees the return to the sparseness of articles evident in the October 15, 1993 issue. The headline reads "Special November Issue!!" Brian Dixon takes the first page with a view on NASA, and gives a signature top ten list on the centerfold. Dipak Ghosh and Mike Augspurger's pieces surround the Brian's list, along with a call to writers for the Southwestern Review. Martin Fox fills the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Brian Dixon, Dipak Ghosh, Mike Augspurger, Martin Fox, Clay Combs, Pat Garrett, Chuck Schafer, Julie Meiman, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/14def419d405ddc8af349b929f5d5be3.pdf
1969a22e751030490bbeeba3bdda1ccf
PDF Text
Text
' - This can make tasks that require a clear mind difficult,
r;waningle,ss or unsafe.
l
WHAT'S THIS LITTLE MAN DOING ON MY KNEE?
by jay (Keep your heaven to yourself - - happiness in
the clouds. It tastes itchy.
Keep your 'if only's' - - if only she would get to
know me; if only she would love me; if only I
could get rid of her, that bitch. - - watch
them slide away like a jug of milk pushed
across a kitchen table: whoosh, pause, whoosh,
pause . . .
Keep your spirituality and explanations. Manufacture
and build them up around you like a tree house.
Tree houses are fun to play in, but be careful
i
where you step because you may fall out and be
.
I
forced to realize that there is a really big
ground down there with no walls around it.
y~
BEING without reason Is absurd. BEING
without reason I& a big fuzzy hltman who has
come to wipe off your mllk moustache with a
solar flare. BEING tastes llke an exploslon,
and It don't need no •why.'
So keep your materialism and your faith in faith.
I found a funkiness in my own faith [a faith in
funkiness], and swished it around my mouth, and
tasted myself, with a tinge of wordy
cholesterol, slightly underplaying a sensual
overtone.
Yes, keep your glory days and your polite masking
smiles.
I say, take the only real way. The way of the
chicken. And, for that matter, the way of the
wad of gum under the table. The table and the
gum. The gum and the table. The rum and the
fable. Your monnna is a fat Elvis-lover, and
you ain't nuthin' but a fuzzy wuzzy bear
swimming through vats of fats singing 'bout I
got the blues cuz the knife ran away)
witherspoon
.
I
THIS UTILE MAH IS OH MY KNEE .
HE IS A LITTLE MAH .
t~OT REMEBER A TIME WHEN HE WAS HOT THERE .
KNEE.
PERHAPS
I
HE FITS 01~ MY KNEE .
I
HE IS THE LITTLE MAH OH MY
WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM ONE DAY .
DO
�Vortex
Dialogic
-Xaft Minor
·I
Sometimes I think 1 am
living in a Theatre de
L 'absurd play when I read
that pathetic publication
called the Sou'wester. One of
the most in form ati ve articles
which wasted about a halfpage last week was on the
"change" concerning the
SIRs. The great "change"
that will take place will be
that now our wonderful and
intelligent student
representatives will hand out
the_ SIR forms and read a prewnuen letter to the class.
This is supposed to "create a
more confidential and serious
atmosphere... " w hen students
fill out these forms. Now
let's be realistic just for ~
second. Student reps handing
out the SIRs will not have
any effect on how the SIRs
are used. The RSG seems to
have a lack of analytic skills
when it comes to thinking
through who interprets the
SIRs. Who gives a fuck
whether the professor or
some student hands out the
s_
IRs. This will not change a
single thing on how the SIRs
are used. It is the
administration that assumes
the duty to interpret the
SIRs and then use them
against any job position or
professor they want to
term inatc. It is the
administration which is the
problem here, not those who
hand-out the SIRs. Our Greek
filled student government
......
~ -~
~~~
{!~)J .«~l
XAFT MINOR - FDA
.JHEY WHITHERFUNK - EPA
NEETO BEEF URN - FBI
CHRIS BROWN - ATF
STAY .JovlALL - CIA
~
~
(
'1
seems to think that they
really are accomplishing
something with this
"change" in policy. Of
course, if the function of the
RSG is to suck the dick of
the administration then I
must compliment them on
the job they are doing with
only one small complaint.
SUCK HARDER!
\(
\\
J made you
with craft and deliberation
charting and foolproof
turning youth into something
benign but guarded
under heated juristriction
scrubbed and not foresaken
holding off and pursing lips
implant growth-forms
garner response prediction
verisimilitude popu]us zerography
allowance of harpinlin taste
titular gonzaga container
paraplex ostensiable dorflit
· isable gorflin behaviors
rashyolin cabagarech odius
casbahdop torbhal dan
. But it falls apart anyway
I was found
in the thickets of musty
vineyards with scramb1ing
looseness and rustling scatologies
sunlight filtered names
tantamount and flavorful
wastrels of 1ove1iness
regalia undermining heat
honey dripping cuticles
evervescent baby basins
simper puzzled rom lashings
losted barzoorn touching
sourbets jocund hostekram
haberdashery essence godlycrurnb
kabalistic noumena finglapse
bashing bazooks overture
xibnotreplin targ poobah
In a search for order
The Rat's Ass™ is a metalinear botching
of the exercise in non-recursive duality; as
such, the opinions contained herein reflect
the views of no one other than their respective authors. Thank you for choosing our
airline, and we hope you will f~ with us
FROM THE NEFARIOUS MIND OF THE
S'UP'E1( C:J{'E1('R!Y AfJtSPE1( . . .
WHAT IF?
What if you were playing basketbal l and all of a su dden
the ball t urned into Dr. Jobe s' he ad and p ronounce d , "Al l
work and no play ma k es Jim a dul 1 boy ! ," and then
proceeded to boun c e up and down the court, s l a m-du nk
himself,
chase the chee rl eaders ~ bi te the coach's
hamburger , giggle , s pin rapidly in the a ir and di sappe ar
in a cloud of smoke?
�Graft .
-sty bay fovlall
You'Ve been picking those
scabs of reason and tug~!ng
at those pigtails of meaning
looking for an alley
a rock to climb under
asafe place
anything
to shield you from
the self-rape of analysis
by stay joviall
I
What are you?
this is not a poem;
this is a message
from you to you
.: the place
.; where you end
and I begin
never existed;
~ -- - I am you
,,~ ·'and I am not you
who are you?
by Chavez
1) The bong is over here. It reduces impurities by over 25%!!
2) Hey, kid, grabbing the end that's on fire may result in burns.
3) Mmmm, if [weren't your doctor and you "o/eren't my patient, I do believe I
would paint you pink and really use this stethoscope.
4) <hey, pssst, you grab it, and we can go smoke it in my office!>
5) Excuse me, 1' d like to ask you a few questions about the punctuation hovering
about your head.
6) You wanna try on my nurse outfit?
7) Scientific studies have shown that those who smoke marijuana turn into four- .
fingered, featureless cartoon people.
8) The dank, dirty purple is this way.
•
I
�
Dublin Core
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Type
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Newspaper
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The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
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Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
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Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/9ef7f763012d58ea3f9556b4f9329f5c.pdf
5823ef9eab462f3befb5c10991123bb0
PDF Text
Text
V
olot11L
W;i~ing
flv ~~12.r
and \Vaning
i
"'
1
l1
'.
Nove1>-ber3 , I Cfq~~
by Jay 1VithErSpron
.'
The sign on lop of the door read "This passage marks change.
This passage was created in the image of God."
"Oh," I sighed, always ready for a change. Perhaps there was
something exciting on I.he other side of God's image. Ah, yes.
After l had walked through the doorway, the realization
was forced upon me by some crucial mixture of memory and
immediate sensation that everything I was thinking and
experiencing had somehow turned to the passive voice. The fright
was pushed across and throughout my frame like an early morning ·
piss shiver. The passivity was more than simply verbiage, though.
I had been a pawn all along. Epiphianic needles were poked
through my spine as these thoughts were beginning to take their
1 brutal form: 111e idea to walk through the doorway had been
implanted in my brain by some force other than MY SELF. No
doubt, the inclination had been waiting in my skull since birth. I
had been vomited into the world of no volition of my own. A
crying baby, a wrinkly crying brain pre-formatted to function right
out of the tube: shivering with the cold, a slap on the ass, big
people, white shiny clothes, blood, a mother with a warm breast.
Every subsequent thought and action of my life had been in
' response to the previous ones. Whichever way my life had started
had decided which way it would end. I had walked through the
do_
qnvav because I had had to. It had been ordained.
I
.
comfortably moist
~UNLESS! ! l ! ! ! I foreeJ myself W loolt 1mmrnl and caLn Jown. Yes,
tl1ere it was!!! Th.. ! FEELING!!! It was definjtely tlum,, I wa~ deciding what
. fo do!!! .Just fo fost my theory, I pulled my pocl<et-knife from my left pants
pocket and slashed my left fo1'f'arm. Yes, I was quite sum that J felt I l1ad clecided
fo do exactly tl1al.
1
But there I was again, bleeding, staring al tl1e Joor, wondering wl1ence
these inclinations came. The air was l10t. I was swealy. Electric impulses raceJ
frantic . My minJ saw my Me anJ future turn inlo formless melted wax. Melted
wax ... melted wax, melted melly wax wax, melty molten wax wax, waxy melted
swirling life wax melt. And tl1en tlie lifey wax swam around in my head a wl1ile.
Piml il look Ll1it1 sltnpc limn Llrnt, melting melty. Tl1c wax of my life sw;11n ,
l>caulifuJ, nnJ I lmgan lo elm pc tl1c wax myself. .l~iml, a lmll, tl1cn a Jmt, aml n
·.
liat, and t10111ctl1ing I lrnd never Reem, a11J 11 pair of lip~, a11d a Joorw11y, a11d ~0111e
swurly words, and wl1alever, and il candle, and. a ln1Ly, and a bleeding arm, and a
dream, anJ a wing, and a watcl1, anJ n1y mother, and a poem, and my own 11wealy
face, and. as Ll1e waxy image waned and I ernwlcd back lo Hulonomy Lhrougl1 tlie
l1allways in my head, it all 11eemcd a whole lot better. It lasted rigl1t.
•
'
I
!
from the nefarious mind of the ~m!~Qe'lt Qt])Qe'~lt~ Jfn~~'ID:Qe'lt ...
WHAT IF?
What if Jim Daughdrill did 69 whippits,
took off all his clothes, crawled up to you
and asked if he could borrow your car?
I
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v·
It was that time again•
Time for the bimonthly '
tree gathering.
The
Interforestry Tree
Convention wa s an
opportunity for the
great trees to come
together and e ngage in
r igorous debate over
crucial issues
pertinent to their
existence.
As you
might imagine there was
rarely any agreement
over t h e important
philosophical issues
but the great trees
persisted, preparing
their little sermons on
tree ethics, tree
afterlife or absence
of , tree gods, proper
modes of dis cou rse ,
etc.
The great trees
came from around t h e
country by whatever
mean s available to
them .
Thi s
parti c ular meeting got
unde r way with a
reading of the minutes
recapping the last
gather ing followed by a
h e ate d discussion on
tree morality.
The
Gambe l Oak in st igat e d
t h e d e bate by stating
his opinion on t h e
matter .
"Fe llow trees,
bush es, shrubs , and
vario u s other plants
(the convention was
generally open to any
type of plant life that
k
.
t
th
could ma e i t
o
e
meeting but the only
plant- be;ide- the trees
s
that would speak was
the cannabis Sativa)
the very fact that we
are all congregated
here demonstrates our
'\
unity.
I
wi l l not d eny ,,
' j'
1
1,
that we vary in species ~
but we ar.e united by
~l
our drive for
~
knowledge.
We are
rat ional trees, my
frien ds.
As rational
trees , we are moral
trees.
We must deny
ourselves the
s uperficial pleasures
of our trunks; to grow
and e xpand overrunning
other trees. "
The
charismatic Gia nt
Sequoia began s coffing
quite deliberately and
proceeded to state in
his usual r ich and
stunning tone, "SLAVE
MORALITY, I am a rath er
large tr e e and requ ire
much space in order to
grow to a satisfactory
s iz e .
T re e
rationality,
is simply a myth
created by thos e
s u ffici e nt ."
articulate Winged Elm
i mmediately jumped to
t h e Gambe l Oak' s
defense.
"My giant
friend, the noble
Gambel Oak is referring
to a higher order.
Certainly any large
tree may blindly dwell
in its natural impulses
and neglect any social
responsibility to other
trees, but we are
attempting an
intellectual venture.
!iAY!:
afterlife ."
The
skeptical Bristle cone
Pine
(this
species is
one of the oldest
varieties of trees on
the North Ame rican
Continent, this
particular one is well
over 4,000 yrs. old)
inserted his opinion
into the discussion.
"My good friends, the
Winged Elm and Gambel
Oak, in my youth I used
to look for ward to a
wonderful tree af terlife
but that was at least
three millennia ago .
I
witnessed your
ancestor's birth and
subseque nt death and I
am still alive.
In fact
I have given up hope of
ever dy ing .
I hav e no
good reason to believe I
ever will die.
Consequently, I have no
choice but to suck l i fe
for what i t ' s worth."
A
strange silence spread
r apidly throughout the
circle of tre es .
The
entire s u rrounding
atmosphere seemed
is obvious to us
intoxicated with thought
that we trees have been
a s the trees were
created by a higher
slightly rec lined in
power , what you might
their up r i gh t po s i t i o n s .
refer to as ' God.'
God
The gre at Elm a nd th e
has provided u s with a
gre at Oak d esperate ly
h ealthy challenge to
wanted to avoid slipping
affiliat e ourselves
into tota l tree
with that not so
relativism but with the
addition of the
side
Bris tlecon e Pine's
Th rough
statement, things s eeme d
to b e going in that
wil l
di rec tion. All o f a
a ple asant tree
sudden a bit of
frustration and
\~\
·''
•!, '1.
v
''k
~
�The Protect Allegiance
by Anonymous
around that. They took out a sword
and started pointing it at one of the
graves. The sword was fashioned
completely out of metal. There
was one solid piece that was carved
in With runes and shit. They were
Me: Tell me about the Protect
Allegiance.
Anon.: The Protect Allegiance is a
society of vampires and devil
worshipers. It's everywhere. They
knew that when I joined them, I
was destined for joining them. You
can find them about anywhere in
everyday society. I found them at
the graveyard... Or rather, I should
say that they found me. You can't
find them. If you are going to go
out looking for them, don't go out
unless you have the assistance of
gods behind you, because you ain't
gonna find them. They are some of
the most powerful magic users in
the world. Umm ... So I was in St.
Monica's graveyard, and one of
them came up to me. I was
sleeping on one of the graves. I
like spending time in graveyards.
Umm... And umm... Umm ... They
gave me one of their black robes
and everything, and they showed me
some of their ceremonies. They are
fascinating people. Their job was
to speak to the dead. A lot of the
things that I saw them do were
fascinatinii . They always terrified
me.
very welcoming. All they wanted
· me to do was join hands in the
circle and repeat after the leader.
Most of them were sixteen or
seventeen. A few were my age. A
few were younger. The oldest was
in his late twenties. The leader was
this very tall guy... Kind of
heavyset... Clean shaven face ...
Very pale. They were pointing the
sword at the... The leader... The
guy who was doing it. .. The sword
was probably... About that long
(Three feet.) He pointed it down to
the ground and lifted back up at the
sl")', and then drove it... Wham! Straight down into the grave. Like ·
right on to where the coffin would
have been . Slowly this thing that
looked kind of like a gas was
seeping up through the hole around
the sword. It took form above the
sword in the shape of a person. It
was a fucking ghost, and it was
standing right there. They spoke to
it in a language that I had no
fucking clue what it was. It did not
sound backwards at all. I was
paying attention for it. It did not
sound anything. Umm ... When
they were done, the ghost slipped
back into the ground. Just the
leader spoke to him. After that...
the leader... They all turned and
faced the leader and he told us that
such and such... Whatever the
dude's name was... Had requested
that something be brought to
· 1e: Did·they have human
sacrifices?
Anon: I saw someone get
sacrificed, actually. He was
screami!lg the whole time. This is
- .-::.;~,. the way it worked... They all
gathered around, like, that square,
OK? You know... That big square
in the center of St. Monica's
graveyard? Well... They gathered
hostility began floating
about.
The silence then
conv erted itself into an
extreme tension.
The
Giant Sequoia piped up
b reaking the silence
with some vicious words
directed at the great
Elm and great Oak.
"You flimsy trees
postulate t he existence
of morality whi ch
s upposedly governs us
because you are weak.
The both of you, one
stacked on top of the
other do not even equal
half my height.
You
simply are not good
competitors for
s unlight.
So you try
to convince those who
can get an abundance of
sunlight that it is
immoral.
And you,
Gambel Oak what about
tho se deciduous leaves.
You would think that
God would have endowed
you with leaves that
are able t o last a
l i t t l e longer t h an one
y e a r b efo re th e y
p er i s h."
The Winge d
Elm wa s th o rou ghly
o f fend e d by th e attac k
and d ec id e d to
·r e t a liate poking the
Gi a nt Sequ o ia with one
"If you
ot it s l i mbs .
want t o s t art
c ritici zes o th e r tr e e 's
n a tural e nd o wme nt ,
con s ide r your ow n
o v e rsiz e d self.
I bet
y o u wo ul.d have troubl e
g e tting o ut of y o ur o wn
way."
The Cannabi s
Sa t i v a int er j ect e d
qui t e p e acef ully by
-
-
him ... Like one of those rings or
something like that. He told me
that he was a member of the Protect
Allegiance. He told me that what
they were there for was to speak to
the dead and find out what went
wrong in their lives... What's not
letting them rest... And go correct
it. I decided to leave the group
because they requested me on the
first time that I was going to go
out on one of their little crusades...
I was supposed to kill a man.
Anon: On the fourth meeting. Six
knife-bearers with masks and black
robes all at once stabbed him in a
circle around the heart. I was
terrified. I didn't scream or
anything like that because I didn't
think it was real. Well ... it was. It
was at the Aquadome, actually. It's
a bad place to be.
Me: Did authorities find that?
Anon: No (Quickly.) Authorities
haven't touched them. How are
you going to find them? There's
probably a hundred dead bodies in
that place that no one can find.
They grind up the bones, usually,
and use them for spell-casting
purposes.
Me: Every time they would bring
up a ghost.
Anon: Not every time. The guy
-that we brought up the first time.
We went out and found his ring.
We came back and buried it in the
grave with him. After that, we just
left that one alone, because he said
he'd be OK after that. I went and
saw the aquadome with them one
time. That was really a cool thing.
Me: When did they want you to
kill somebody?
Anon: It was about three weeks
into it when they said, "We want
you to seek out a higher standing.
We want you to seek out a crusade.
It's a very simple mission. We
know entirely who this person is.
We have his entire schedule. All
you have to do is kill him using
this." And they pointed at like a
steak knife or something. Bizarre
thing.
Ic~use
Me: When did you see a human
sacrifice?
Meeting of Stone Giants
I
Oh boy, flowers. I love flowers.
~
Shut up, moe-ron
You're lrnrting my cars. My lovely orbular cars.
.....
Shut up, moe-ron
"'
Suckle from my gaping buttocks!
Shut up, Moe-ron
You just don't understand my sensitive side. I, I love.
Do you understand. r, I love. Love, Jove, love, love,love la, la
smoothly saying, "Man
this is not what
treedom is about.
W
e
trees s hould not
quarrel.
This is the
product of a limited
spectrum of
philosophical
discourse."
The
Cannabis Sativa
p roc eed e d to go on a
long unr e lated tang e nt
which i t was in the
habit of doing but was
ignored and t he
conflict persisted.
A
Shut up, moc-ron
The tape, get the tape. Someone call John Laroquette, and get
a laxative.
"
\
fi e r ce battle b r oke o u t
whic h r e s ulte d in a
sharp d e clin e in t h e
population of eccentri c
trees . Th e next 'l'ree
Convention was not for
a number of y e ar s .
/
e
~
. .... .
_
lo..
-
\
,. ,.
OJ
I
i
....,
I,
JI'!
j .fq4,,
iii,\,
~
~:._,
..
,
�Reason #183 to Carry Jumper
Cables
So, a buddy and I were sitting in the car, in
the line, at the Taco Bell on PopJar(which will
remain nameless). We go to Taco Bell only
because it is cheap and open late at night.
This time it was about 1 l:OOp.m. We were
shootin' the shit when the woman in the next
car jumped out and trotted over, and stuck her
head in the window. She said nothing but,
"My car's battery just died, and rm stoned."
THAT HAS TO SUCK. Even worse, if she didn't
have the munchies yet, they were about to set
in hard.
..
~~~,)
't
:~l'
,--.[iver
·
\
\
\
\
My buddy asked if she had cables. No cables.
She asked the car which was ordering behind
us, aJso containing two guys, who didn't have
any cables either. Understanding that we are
1 ~ a drive-through lane, this car was going
nowhere. We tried to roll start the car. The
woman running the drive-through leaned out
the window to watch four idiots pushing a car
towards Poplar at an alarming rate. In
hindsight, realizing how baked this woman
was, it is amazing that she didn't let the car ·.
go out into Poplar, but stopped it just short of
Poplar. The car was still dead.
The Rat: s_ Ass TM is a funkified and
. :
gro~vahc10us undulation of spermicid Ir '
lubricated gre
a Y
f
Y ma tt er t·rlat has been ribbed
1
bo~ p easure. Opinions and funkiness herein
e ong so~eJy to their respective authors ati.d
anyone with a gun who really agrees.
:
·
The woman paid for her food as we watched
the line grow and contemplated the dead car.
The end decision: roll that puppy out into
Poplar and get it in the first parking lot. Of
course, that means pushing a dead car the
wrong way on Poplar, with this stoned woman
at the wheel. We waited for the appropriate
opening, and ran this car into the street and
into the parking lot. The oh-so-helpful Taco '
Bell employees asked if we would be
returning to our cars. My buddy had already
bought the food, and we took off. All he said
on the way back to campus, "That was so
weird, I need a burrito."
DAVE WELLS
Ji
Staff Box
Xaft Minor: folli~le
Fredrica Car
J
Witherfunk~e~~r: jherri
Dave Wells: pubicpee
Neeto Beef U
M'k
rn: bald
Di : Long: bouffant
avid Sears: butt
...
Uue ~ to a r
t
department ;;.:er~ t ~andate or the laealth
serve 'any li~uid subs~ s no longer allowed to
the food debris off t1a:C:;a:!:~e i;: cannot get
mugs (albeit covered with Greek sym:::; !:~~
much .cleaner than our stuff Sine
::.~1i~~e. face In letting you b~ng 11i:s:~1;«>,:~
So I'm t!1~" thth,.e ~ath, we're outlawing all liquids.
' s rs ow Rhodes works.
�
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Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 3, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 3, 1995. This issue of the Rat's Ass was called 'Comfortably moist.' The front page features Jhay Witherspoon talking about Waxing. An anonymous author tells us about the Project Allegiance. The last page features a warning that the Rat can no longer serve liquid sustances.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Xaft Minor, David Sears, Dave Wells, Fredrica Carpenter, Neeto Beef, Mike Long
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/a7f15a9363812a9f9212e0e7a5961873.pdf
2081bb1a3dfb37a555abd9245ee4dd73
PDF Text
Text
I)
volume 11 issue 11, 1993, Nov 17
\.~"<.~
"don't even bother to read this poor excuse for an already
.. i ngr et e .:~
speciel
ner\tege
b~
~o~~'-'CJ
0
nsk fnlth nnd renson
(compiled by chnrles
schnfer)
Dear Faith and Reason :
I know that when we
degree of goodness or
die and go before the
badness. Further note that
judgment seat of the Lord,
since these acts do not occur
He will open up the Book of
on discrete time Increments
Life and add up our good and
but, rather, are continuous,
bad deeds to see if we are
the Lord is forced to
admitted to heaven. What
evaluate a large number of
I've always wondered is,
integrals of various
does this happen right after
"goodness functions" over
we die or do we have to wait
intervals along the real
until the Judgment Day at the number line for each person!
end of the world?
seeing es how Jesus came to
Sincerely,
Ivan Tunowinov
Faith: You ask too many
questions, Ivan. You only
need to know one thing to be
a Christian, which is that
Jesus Christ died for you on
the cross . Of course, this
fact directly implies many
other things which are
important, such as don't
listen to secular rock'n'roll,
always give money to
charismatic Southern TV
personalities, stay away
from The Last Temptation of
.cJld.ll, and so on .
Reason: Ivan, that is a very
good question. The key is
actually the bit about the
Lord adding up rights and
wrongs . Note that when
people do good or bad acts ,
they in fact are doing acts
that continually vary In their
sove us •bout two thous•nd
years ago and the calculus
has only been around since
Newton, the Lord Is still
trying very hard to catch up
on these often tricky sums.
The upshot of all this is that
you're going to be waiting a
long time to get Into heaven
1f you die right now. '
Faith: So all those crusaders
who died In battle, their lest
breaths gasping "Tonight we
shall dine In paredlse" or
some such hopeful phrese
t~ey ere still hungry, In '
limbo somewhere?
Re_son: Thet is correct.
a
Feith: I find thet herd to
pelete.
Reeson: And so 1t must be
false?
Feith: Well. ..
Reeson: Thet's whet's so
ridiculous ebout your
outlook! Beceuse life seems
desolate, "unpeleteble ..
there must be somethl~g we
are overlooking, something
thet Is good end Is order
something which, no met,ter
whet you sey, functions to
meke the world seem
ultimately just, even kind.
Yes, kind. When pressed you
deny it -- but thet's why you
believe God loves you . You
went to believe thet you live
ev~n
In a kind world. Well, you
don't. Don't count on God's
justice In the afterlife
because it might not come.
Don't count on It In the world
because It's never been
proven to exl st and because
It might make you less
concerned with human
justice. Make your own
justice.
Faith: I don't feel like
listening to you on one of
your soapboxes .
Reason: That was
sementlcelly emblguous.
Feith: You're being e jerk
But es long es we 're being.
picky, Whet you just seld
wes redundent. If e sentence
Is embiguous, 1t Is
sementlcelly emblguous.
{ to be continued }
�Ratios And Why You Shouldn't Trust Them
by: chris brown
As next semester registration
passes us by , I have some
thoughts on class size. In one
of my classes for next
semester the class size has
been increased to 30 students.
I transferred to this school
from a college that had 30-40
students in a class. I was also
paying less than half of what I
am now paying. ( humm . am
I being screwed?) Rhodes
prides itself on being a
"small" liberal arts college.
Now, "small" is to qnly be
understood as a fewer number
of students in the student
population when compared to
other college campuses. It
does not mean that you will
have a small class size or that
you will receive more
individual attention.
It has not occurred to
the Administration that
when you add to the student
population and don't hire
more professors, then class
size must go up. Or maybe
it has crossed their minds and
they just don't care about the
quality of education that
Rhodes offers. It can be
said, and I think honestly,
I! that the administration is not
j terribly concerned about
11
living up to its 12: 1 student
to teacher ratio that it so
proudly prints in the
pamphlets and catalogues it
sends to naive parents and
student prospects. While the
12: 1 ratio is correct, it
means nothing in practical
terms. The quality of the
class room experience that
Rhodes will offer to the
student is now irrelevant
Just as loµg as the college
can have the appearance of
looking small is all that
matters.
Rhodes, like many
third world nations, is a
paper tiger. While on paper
the college boasts all of
these wonderful figures and
ratios that makes it superior
shake. I could tell my
shake was the real me coy
because it bad chocolate
syrup dripping down the
side. # The only downside
to the food is that it's all
served with paper or
styrofoam plates, cups,
Wiles-Smith Drug Store
by ruthie stepbenson
lo other colleges is only a
mirage. These ratios and
figures are lost in the reality
of the classroom Or
another way to see Rhodes
is like chocolate covered
piece of dung. From the
outside it looks extremely
pleasing, but on the inside
it is nothing but pure shit.
Memphis's oldest
independent drug store is
bidden on 1635 Union
between Gamer's Frame
Shop and Fast Signs. You
wouldn't think differently
about this place because
it's just a pharmacy.
Wrong. My mentor/friend
Virginia (see last week's
article) suggested we meet
at Wiles for lunch one day.
I didn't know what kind of
treat I was in for. When I
pulled up in my blue
truck, I saw "OldFashioned Soda Fountain"
advertised in the window.
Boy, ob boy was this a
new find. # I walked in and
bad a seat on a spinning
stool at the counter. I
took advantage of my new
seat and spun around a few
times to check out
everything while I waited
for Virginia. Wiles is
quaint and bas character.
It's not overcrowded like
most super stores, and if
you became a regular
customer, you'd definitely
know everyone by name. #
When Virginia arrived, we
seated ourselves at a vinylcovered booth with rips in
it--the kind of booth that
adds character to a place.
Virginia ordered the
homemade chicken salad--a
Wiles specialty--and
vegetable soup. I ordered a
BLT and a chocolate
and utensils. The reason
being not having to hassle
with the sanitation
regulations of washing
dishes. The upside,
" however, is the friendly
· waitresses, the O.B.G.
atmosphere (celebrating
their 49th year), and the
cheap food. Virginia bas
even seen Cybil Shepard
there. # The homemade
inexpensive. Sandwiches
range from $1.75-2.95 and
. shakes for $2.00 (regular)
1
and $2.45 (extra thick). #
This is the place to go for
a quick bite or a slow meal
and it's incredibly
affordable. You could even
, treat a friend to lunch for
1
under 5 bucks. Just keep
your eyes open when
you're travelling down
Union because you could
easily miss one of the
finest drug stores around.
Monster in My
Poet. or. Memoirs
of a Memoir-Thief.
part 4
by Martin Fox
UlllUUlilllllllllllllllllllllllllllUll'
[
~
~r.~~
'~
,~u3:,, ' ;i
,,J
:-i' '
~~ ~~1;: STAFF BOX
·
~ t ~~ pAt garrett wild turkey
chris brown marshmallow und yam casserole
briAn dixon i'm dressing
clAy combs punkin
chArles schafer liver gravy
dipAk ghosh plymouth sundanc""'""Jrro'"'-"'.......1.6julie meimAn progressive pilgrim
ruthie stephenson postmodern pilgrim
mike Augspurger deconstructive pilgrim
john wAyne listen pilgrim
ross gohlke unwitting native american
Allegorical
dust settles around
him, as he wanders
alone in
the
painted desert.
Visions of grandeur and stasis no
speak
lo n ge r
distinctly,
as
nothing heeds
t h e
fevered
pronouncements
barely
wh ich
escape his lips.
"How will we
teach these songs
-10 our children?": '
he asks, his shouts
muffled by the
music playing on
stage. "I'll work in
the margins." He
confides to the
twls ting forms,
"Who's going to
stop me?"
With loaded
pistol and evidence
gathered on the
Warren com·miss ..
ions' habits and
personality-traits,
he surreptitiously
searches the Dallas
night-clubs.
Having killed
time, he plans the
next installment in
his series of tightly
structured serial
narratives, and is
startled by your
reading eyes. He
screeches
in
challenge, "\\'ho
gave you the
permission to read
of me?", his tensed
fists raised to the
sky.
Then
reconsidering, he
continues in a
somewhat calmer
manner, "Oh. I
guess I did. What
do you think?"
A s
the
structures break
down, you reply
~.");;?'.~.~~:i~ .·.; : ::.
�A
W
.
to Beirut tor £105 return
Sometimes my
erful holiday flight
, e*>
roommates and I talk
Ond
. 1 Excurs ion ar
<BOAC 23-d a y rou,,s
HH
Q)
, ..ci ~
iJ
Q)
0
H
tJl
~
rd
~
0
I
s a w
a
commercial today. It
said that if you buy their
product your suffering
will end. I took a class
last year. The class was
called Human Suffering
and for 14 weeks we
talked about what
suffering is to different
people in different times.
The commercial I saw
claimed to relieve none of
the situations of suffering
which we discussed in
class. It claimed to end
dandruff.
Suffering.
From dandruff. Hmm. I
understand that words
change and are used
differently as language
changes, but we should
reserve words like
"suffering" for people
who have suffered. I am
no judge of who has and
has not suffered, but I'd
like to try. Retired major
league baseball players
with dry flakey scalps
have not suffered. Jews
in Germany
and
elsewhere under Hitler
did. There. That's not so
hard.
•
about stuff. A while ago
we . ~alke~ about
relativity. It s popular
these . da~s.
. If
everything ts relative,
then maybe people who
have dandruff really are
suffering.
Dandruff
victims. And maybe the
Holocaust was just
uncomfortable to the
millions who died. My
roommates will tell me
that . I. ha~e _not done
relahvtty JUShce. And
my roommates are often
right. But my bitch isn't
Lucky him, he
was bald. Imagine how
different his canvases
would have looked if he
suffered from dandruff.
that relativity should be
canned.
I just worry
about those people who
sell their soul to it.
Cubism, as I
understand it, wasn't all
that popular when it
first hit the galleries.
But some artists did like
it and made great strides
and strokes in the cubist
thing. Picasso knew that
cubism could have been
taken too far. He turned
back.
Top Ten Ethno-conscious Color
Combinations For Flight Attendants
Fashion
in the 90's
brought to you by J, Crew
10. Oatmeal Heather Deep V-neck lambswool sweater over
n eo -classic Chamois unitard
9. Bark bodysuit, accented by Yam corduroy skirt
8. re tro-traditional Teale fine jersey tee with wide-leg
re tro Taupe jeans
7 . p laid sweater dress, Pine & Ecru, with monk strap
s hoes
6. Port camel hair oversized coat & Thistle thermal
pants
5. Saffron & Tobacco
4. Cactus lounge wear with Canvas wool socks
3 . ;rwilight twill schoolJee.v jacket ove r broken-in Chili
Jeans
~~
2 . brushed chinos, Sky, with Stone cotton rollneck
sweater
1 . Black & I or White birthday suit
*a ll fabrics synthetic, regardless of name
*all fashions uni-gender, of course
* all fashions respectful of every season
*sin cerest apology to all colors and designs not on the l ist
by Ross GohlkQ
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 17, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 11
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newpaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 17, 1993. The second to last issue in the collection, a thinning in the quantity of articles continues from the previous few issues. The headline reads "Special 'ingrate by heritage' Issue!!" Charles Schafer composes a dialogue between faith and reason on the front page, and Chris Brown follows with a piece on ratios. Martin Fox continues his "Memoirs of a Memoir-Thief" and Dipak Ghosh gives the second act of his "Ramblin' Leaf". Pat Garrett gives a rare written contribution, and Ross Gohlke takes Brian Dixon's place in giving a top ten list.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Charles Schafer, Chris Brown, Martin Fox, Dipak Ghosh, Ross Gohlke, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, John Wayne, Ruthie Stephenson, Brian Dixon, Clay Combs
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d6b909a4a3b0515853f8253e6e043962.pdf
1969a22e751030490bbeeba3bdda1ccf
PDF Text
Text
' - This can make tasks that require a clear mind difficult,
r;waningle,ss or unsafe.
l
WHAT'S THIS LITTLE MAN DOING ON MY KNEE?
by jay (Keep your heaven to yourself - - happiness in
the clouds. It tastes itchy.
Keep your 'if only's' - - if only she would get to
know me; if only she would love me; if only I
could get rid of her, that bitch. - - watch
them slide away like a jug of milk pushed
across a kitchen table: whoosh, pause, whoosh,
pause . . .
Keep your spirituality and explanations. Manufacture
and build them up around you like a tree house.
Tree houses are fun to play in, but be careful
i
where you step because you may fall out and be
.
I
forced to realize that there is a really big
ground down there with no walls around it.
y~
BEING without reason Is absurd. BEING
without reason I& a big fuzzy hltman who has
come to wipe off your mllk moustache with a
solar flare. BEING tastes llke an exploslon,
and It don't need no •why.'
So keep your materialism and your faith in faith.
I found a funkiness in my own faith [a faith in
funkiness], and swished it around my mouth, and
tasted myself, with a tinge of wordy
cholesterol, slightly underplaying a sensual
overtone.
Yes, keep your glory days and your polite masking
smiles.
I say, take the only real way. The way of the
chicken. And, for that matter, the way of the
wad of gum under the table. The table and the
gum. The gum and the table. The rum and the
fable. Your monnna is a fat Elvis-lover, and
you ain't nuthin' but a fuzzy wuzzy bear
swimming through vats of fats singing 'bout I
got the blues cuz the knife ran away)
witherspoon
.
I
THIS UTILE MAH IS OH MY KNEE .
HE IS A LITTLE MAH .
t~OT REMEBER A TIME WHEN HE WAS HOT THERE .
KNEE.
PERHAPS
I
HE FITS 01~ MY KNEE .
I
HE IS THE LITTLE MAH OH MY
WILL WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM ONE DAY .
DO
�Vortex
Dialogic
-Xaft Minor
·I
Sometimes I think 1 am
living in a Theatre de
L 'absurd play when I read
that pathetic publication
called the Sou'wester. One of
the most in form ati ve articles
which wasted about a halfpage last week was on the
"change" concerning the
SIRs. The great "change"
that will take place will be
that now our wonderful and
intelligent student
representatives will hand out
the_ SIR forms and read a prewnuen letter to the class.
This is supposed to "create a
more confidential and serious
atmosphere... " w hen students
fill out these forms. Now
let's be realistic just for ~
second. Student reps handing
out the SIRs will not have
any effect on how the SIRs
are used. The RSG seems to
have a lack of analytic skills
when it comes to thinking
through who interprets the
SIRs. Who gives a fuck
whether the professor or
some student hands out the
s_
IRs. This will not change a
single thing on how the SIRs
are used. It is the
administration that assumes
the duty to interpret the
SIRs and then use them
against any job position or
professor they want to
term inatc. It is the
administration which is the
problem here, not those who
hand-out the SIRs. Our Greek
filled student government
......
~ -~
~~~
{!~)J .«~l
XAFT MINOR - FDA
.JHEY WHITHERFUNK - EPA
NEETO BEEF URN - FBI
CHRIS BROWN - ATF
STAY .JovlALL - CIA
~
~
(
'1
seems to think that they
really are accomplishing
something with this
"change" in policy. Of
course, if the function of the
RSG is to suck the dick of
the administration then I
must compliment them on
the job they are doing with
only one small complaint.
SUCK HARDER!
\(
\\
J made you
with craft and deliberation
charting and foolproof
turning youth into something
benign but guarded
under heated juristriction
scrubbed and not foresaken
holding off and pursing lips
implant growth-forms
garner response prediction
verisimilitude popu]us zerography
allowance of harpinlin taste
titular gonzaga container
paraplex ostensiable dorflit
· isable gorflin behaviors
rashyolin cabagarech odius
casbahdop torbhal dan
. But it falls apart anyway
I was found
in the thickets of musty
vineyards with scramb1ing
looseness and rustling scatologies
sunlight filtered names
tantamount and flavorful
wastrels of 1ove1iness
regalia undermining heat
honey dripping cuticles
evervescent baby basins
simper puzzled rom lashings
losted barzoorn touching
sourbets jocund hostekram
haberdashery essence godlycrurnb
kabalistic noumena finglapse
bashing bazooks overture
xibnotreplin targ poobah
In a search for order
The Rat's Ass™ is a metalinear botching
of the exercise in non-recursive duality; as
such, the opinions contained herein reflect
the views of no one other than their respective authors. Thank you for choosing our
airline, and we hope you will f~ with us
FROM THE NEFARIOUS MIND OF THE
S'UP'E1( C:J{'E1('R!Y AfJtSPE1( . . .
WHAT IF?
What if you were playing basketbal l and all of a su dden
the ball t urned into Dr. Jobe s' he ad and p ronounce d , "Al l
work and no play ma k es Jim a dul 1 boy ! ," and then
proceeded to boun c e up and down the court, s l a m-du nk
himself,
chase the chee rl eaders ~ bi te the coach's
hamburger , giggle , s pin rapidly in the a ir and di sappe ar
in a cloud of smoke?
�Graft .
-sty bay fovlall
You'Ve been picking those
scabs of reason and tug~!ng
at those pigtails of meaning
looking for an alley
a rock to climb under
asafe place
anything
to shield you from
the self-rape of analysis
by stay joviall
I
What are you?
this is not a poem;
this is a message
from you to you
.: the place
.; where you end
and I begin
never existed;
~ -- - I am you
,,~ ·'and I am not you
who are you?
by Chavez
1) The bong is over here. It reduces impurities by over 25%!!
2) Hey, kid, grabbing the end that's on fire may result in burns.
3) Mmmm, if [weren't your doctor and you "o/eren't my patient, I do believe I
would paint you pink and really use this stethoscope.
4) <hey, pssst, you grab it, and we can go smoke it in my office!>
5) Excuse me, 1' d like to ask you a few questions about the punctuation hovering
about your head.
6) You wanna try on my nurse outfit?
7) Scientific studies have shown that those who smoke marijuana turn into four- .
fingered, featureless cartoon people.
8) The dank, dirty purple is this way.
•
I
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 16, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 13
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Fall
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 16, 1995. The front page of this issue features Jhay Witherspoon who writes about how being without reason is absurd. Chris Brown critics the RSG on Rhodes College. Xaft Minor also has a Dialogic Vortex. On the last page Chavez gives us some well needed medical advice.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Chris Brown, Neeto Beef, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Xaft Minor
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/0ea3d72415dc967da3eee55303d4a8dc.pdf
1d782f76dc783a8f6d8ce976849369c4
PDF Text
Text
Volurie 3
· The Rat's Ass
u natunleta
el
eseocial de 11
Roma lmperi.31
se revela en su
ar~ullectura .
River sc ient1.sts. of 1M ocatta
ATTENTION
~P
4c0 '
.-....... IQ - 13 se
coming Madame twa-thre·3
(b)
underlying
opp ost>c1
HQ URS
Pa7.:~Jir
Ukrainian
alienation
Soviet
supply
0 t0 b
c
er
biggest
world
Substituting these valu e'
wee drappie 0 '
'
pa.abra. Y esa palabra
Goldsmid, the cheque Co .. ' .
. .
~Sr ~~-~m. .?ling.
··
:tf..'
t..::.l\
tuga]'
dtgreSSlOll
"b .
1 l dl c1 via nature.
Vl rattona were 1an e ~ .
. k
Wl
•
.J.1 ..........
- .... + 10•
n't'"~
Sln S ·
..
-..:ommunis
~lhe entire
hls am..ple tim.e
.
·
, ,
Fragmentation ·th all its cliches:
2'P(3 +cos20)
by a
C,
I
literature. "
~ 'national
I bocht a ticket for London 1 B 11 .
:
u ion Umct.. -:- V'( - :.
de
••
Issue 10
Novem\;er 11) Igq~
arte
BCDE -t>oJ~
.. FI NGERPRINT APPLICAT ION · enow is
Roma ·
r \
~t>-JI d.i· ·L.J ..;~ I'<'-;
• , .
J --..
1.1!1' I
'"r-~
Dictatorships ordinarily
Is:
(16-6) to (l~-1~) l"';-1~1_,~ obstructing
madness Scotch,
A dec1s10r:_ delegated
/
0 >-1 ~ ~~1:; 287 ,· l~ A• 3 ...l~i
. u·sp1ces
.
("' '
the baubles
.'...cos 2<p si n 20
a
l spectrum ·,, . '. ~\\,
L.)\::-o-. 'u..t)
2
severa
. . ~ i:.r>-'. .
..
-, he begins to _.::.- 1.,-.,..-; 0i--..•-., .,-.- ·~ "
_.
:
.
·. d
:tu~al
· ·
h
stroked _ . . ... . ..
become valuable t ~W: ·.J <,;~Q.f!~p ·
impan e sla~kening ~7.ntraI;~acian Mersey thoug t~
: churchsnakebedbone ,
f.t~~;i· 'f~tJt.~·~·~·ift;:..\,
-~_he~1 er 'We do not know.
c onstit11tional M Yt hs
"Y aqui ( yo debiera
BCD E+
cer .las necesid ades
for th{ pens;
Costull:!br
•
•
.
e_~
-2
O
~ ·0)_,A~ wor:de::_s ~~nado
h .
m ec amsms e
the twenties
~
BCDE+
.-
Decisions _ beat in Yves' n eck. gang ~~~'"'' .. . ... . .
f
l ,--•'
·•··
:eq~p((,ntrat10ns 0
pseu~o-representa tivc
1
T?e
i~\t,;:~f, "SJ~S·; ,~·';,r
I
~~·1 it is".2
.·
high-el~v:~i~~n-slack 0CC8SiOnS. eDrainage patterns
yyes snitted l>d.tt?.i.J?af 's
,
at
a year
t~- ~ing· ' ·d.:i J
\.
..
"Better??' he said,' and he laughed:
;11tento
.
'
0
- I
~ ~ t_..r!.?
-;
0
°
0
2e- .·; ~ · .
··
T
..
u · ~.c~
.
0
· 80 eV
.-1
enter anything under
cc
sundries"
nicbt i _:,,411 , he heard rnusi~-_ out of the shadows, lS
of Mav 1791,
to think what
.
o
2
+
° 2y']
0
··--fhe fingerprint application .
.
'I'he Brazilian o:itputgold. com:lropped. _
.teatr,o s. 1 :\i1stema
pod eroso
0
~ ~
vJ
the reactants.
g.~~cho, .P::.sonified by ~~~\2.l~~~-flected c+, DE+ wi 11
Pontife;c
point.{;~ ,Iig-hts
or D E+ hae nane o' me
sl1rewd
Resonance capture
unified
usually
above
and thu s fall .
into r uin .
Party hierarchy
College A. D bombardment
,
silv er had b een
That
I N F Q R M AT I Q N
of
toward distractions
tran sactio ns
�fVcJT ~..-.~
-r1~~
-
AS
-
4-.
crea ~QIS Q
. :BRANDRETH'S PILLS .
; •1 r•oonr 7our ~br th• n" of other rtme
tbat. }'Ot1 oi:_;~~.~co:~:lthon & anf; but do .cot fori:•;
d~oa
--
f cl ,e,.,. loolon 11amp. S. sf· Phll&dclph..: P•.
. -~· N;.,,. -A,;~;:;.~t:'"ct.o~ct;,:_~~~~· ./ I~-'ti0>-~-· · -, .'· .
-~.·~
V
_;:( ) ( ,.
.•
N. Y. ,.n:a.atCb•t.out. ... ,
l •'.\
;: ,..-i
aa'nd you. Eor, ~:~bt! :b~~:th'a Pila could b•:u
•
' AWFUL PRINCIPLE OF DEA'l'H
-- :~t:
;:u7 :~~T~~!u nctl. Youryou.r l)'atern, h 'nJdent to
e:rcall la
P atch of ,Jl(lt-li!ngneB5, _·_ . , lt" hts"-Every lo.dy~~:taui:'°· __ , ~·
•
can
l.i
!rieDW .
eoimtenance tel!J your
N,
you dreamt and your
hcrt tell you
1 n~~~~}~~~:r~~~~~~~(f~-~ric:·; ~ . ; /
we (for the work 1s
t11~o/V:~~~!J:.
~ of ,::; ~:::~':," there b no
•o d~erviog
-ro
• . 1 k f
~:f,:\~ c~ui patentee, E. IVI NS, Sixth and Colurob1
~ shared 1n its ac o A Phil•d•'•"'•·
· 11~ ~'i
•cn•c,
_
llll.4NDl!l!TU• s VEGET.U& UNIVJ<RSA.L
•.
PILLS,
111
HIT
I
th
rtf~1~ creation, as it doesn't 'nothing. and has no
:-- - ~ ""~ when aU Ua1 unal Jadlcatloae t4UatUca,n eer&ainly
.,, .
.
~- •· _
.
_
• - ~~ ,
_die.
~bl~~\ exist) have ~n
13fff3cts. We can use
~ ..?-~~
~·
r~The...Ra.t's Ass is p.ut togeth~ --. ~ .~..-~,_, ,;,
'J,\1.\'.1· ·i · · > unable to achieve
(f
i
the word nothing,
' •
~- 1U1 t~f~·)• -'. . • ·•_ anything. By its
but it cannot mean
' by a group of losers not unlike ; - ..: .
~I' 1~. ~ ,_ '2 . ·, absence, and the .
~i% ·
anything, because it.
yourself, but different. We
"publish" when we chose and
;~<.·\·~~~ absenc~ of absence, its does not refer to
.
distribute it in the Rat for you
~ ._~ :~;,-;., i non-existent statussome thing. and thus
to scan before you r Friday
.·:. ~ disallows us from
is decontextualized
afteF-lunch classes, and then
},~ ,kej~-~ ... ~~·o u•o ~
~nino- ,.... ,,.li\Ws. Wand incamble .of
:Mf
·"· I
rwad it up at our expense.
. -,~: it. Because it does
conception without
Obviously. tautologies are
. " ;;-.-.~· not exi~, it fundions.
being something or
false. (and hence , there are no
restrictions on w hat is
in-a ra~1cal stat~ of
the negation of some
published, and we lay no
~ • • !;.1'!,,,. . Jt non-bemg, which
thing. U you.-run
claims to representaition of
c· f ·,. · ;;.,· '_. does no t nega te
· 1~
\
across nothi n g,
truth or somethi ng. So don't
il.~:'~1· , be'
igngre it It doesn't
1}~.J' 11.,~!•·
ing, as, having no
scab us 'bout it.) That is to
·~~~
-. qualities,. it ~n have
exist.
say , the opinions expressed
·
no consbtulill~
herein are ours ... not theirs,
effects. The inability
and hopefully not yours. Any
and all submissions will be
for us to give it even
published.
conceptual existence
leads us not to
consider the effects o.(
ottr ereation ef the
lack of creation.
\\!hat- does- not exist,
then, does not exist,
nor does- it exist in an
anti-state. If
rnartin fox--art tatun-1
nothing11€s& ean not
be talked about, this
david sears--charley parker
discussion....vf
jay stovaJl--theJonious rnonk
nothin0 uess doesn't
dipak ghosh--john coltrane
exist Therefore, if
ross gohJke--benny goodrnan
you are reading it,
miles davis--as himself
you are ei~r non-,
existent, or it doesn t .
As nothing is
negated, nothing
emerges from it. Tr.te
replacement of
nothing w.ith
. .
nothing causes
in
h:i.n
1
H ow t o Get a P at ent .
O\rn
medici11 0
••
•
W'hfc.h
the
:medicine
koo1"
1a you mod
.
1. ,
t.
·:
1
\.
.. .
i
.Jiir
~~
._ , , _ , .
the other night I was driving home ·after a visit on
campus with a friend.
It was late so the streets were deserted.
A police officer suddenly appeared in my rear view mirror. I was
extremely tired and in no mood to contend with an authority figure
after my eventful evening. I pulled to the side of the road and
was informed by the courteous officer that one of my headlights
"was burnt out. This being the case he was obligated to search my
~'\,
vehicle for anything that would have contributed to me driving a
~~
oar in that condition (with a head light not functioning
~~~
properly). To his surprise he found nothing but books for my ~~
classes. He was utterly shocked to find the combination of ~~
Philosophy, Psychology, Astronomy, and Greek books. With a ~
condescending tone he immediately inquired as to what sort of~
classes I was taking.
I told him that I was taking the above
classes as well as a Painting class. He began making comments
about me being a student at Shelby State Community College and
maintained that the Rhodes sticker on my back window was something
that I borrowed from a friend to make people think that I went to
a real institution. He seemed to be operating under the
conception that real colleges only housed the future doctors,
lawyers, politicians, and entrepreneurs. Once he saw my Rhodes
I.D. card he kindly asked me what the hell I was going to do wit
an education like that. It became obvious to me that I was
speaking to an individual who was living in a totally different
reality than I. He pressed his question and insisted that I give
him an answer. I told him that I was trying to acquire a broad
variety of knowledge and that my major was Philosophy. He laughed
heartily as he gave me the ticket.
On the ride home I really considered the whole idea. What
type of career can I have that will make me happy and allow me to
earn a decent living.
I then realized something that had been in
the back of my mind all along but had been suppressing. Freud
would liken this to penis envy. I had come to an amazing
realization. I know what I want to do and a degree in Philosophy
will enable me to do it. I want to be pimped.
I want to be a
male harlot . In layman ' s terms I want to be a bitch . It is
perfectly consistent with my hedonistic moral system. I can also
earn a substantial inoome.
It is not often that you can earn fat
duckets doing something you enjoy. I must seize this golden
opportunity . The only problem is that I want Ccn~ 1>0,f respected. I ·~
.to be
, 25
V)
d on ' t want to be just a bitch or simply a piece o~ Pound.
ass. I want to - ~
be fondled gently with an occasional smack (when I deserve it) or ~
bite. Today ' s society with its poor values does not give
~
individuals in this profession the proper recognition. In fact
:c;(
this field of expertise is highly discouraged especially by law
W::
enforcement. This comes to me as a great surprise sinoe
~
prostitution is probably most people's main occupation. It just
happens that I realize this and accept it.
I iust want to get~
my testicles played with in the _process.
• ~'f ~~E.puc:mn . PRICJJ:s..c;
~#
_To_?~- ~o_r:o o ~-~"!'e n?t t.'.'\be _paid for
n ~?r_ ~i>~1ar.~~ch,without
Sporadically
,
''<;·
.reg~d value,
#
•
•
I
.>$
, ~ti·.....
.
,
.
till you know what you are, to s et.
,., '
Da V id ~·' 0
--·
<.;.[ ~·~i'f
·
a
-·-
?
.
•tan- yo_~
•
·
SEE? IJUll~,'
.J
"Pl ease," pleaded Kokintz. "Car eful . If i t explodes it .
will hlow 11p all New York, P h iladelphia nnd Boston."
<C
G ';'
v
,
,
~~v;;-
�If your car feels like~$,,,
•
'
. . "''<.
.
Le
L x
,\
Sr. · · .
. 'f'~
_. T
..
, -
.
I want to be real
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, November 11, 1994, Volume 03, Issue 10
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from November 11, 1994. The front of this issue had a mass selection of words and 6 of those words were larger then the rest "Attention, Hours, Obstructing, occasions, will, College, and INFORMATION." Martin Fox writes an article about not existing in our world and "if you are reading this, you are either nonexistent, or it doesn't. On the final page we get a list of religious symbolism.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, David Sears, Jay Stoval, Dipak Ghosh, Ross Gohlke, Miles Davis
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/e444373d8f2f1f9f6c14b5ea81a36df1.pdf
bfda51882c32571f921abe3b25dd55ef
PDF Text
Text
Builder's
Song
Jay
I build things.
I'm a builder. My
hands are small and my face is slightly
tilted to one side, buL I have made objects
that are more beautiful than the scralch of
screaming itch.
I build.
I'm a builder. My mother
told me that my father left us because I was
too hard to care for as a baby.
I was a
sick, ugly baby.
But I built a shiny slar lhal wiggled
its way across the sky and whispered lo all
the animals and lold them why.
I was always picked lasl for kickball.
I have a club foot that smells bad most of
the time. Bul I built an inslrumenL Lhal
sings true songs and weeps Lears like senile
grandmothers .
. confused.
I build.
I have a speech
me spit when I Lalk.
when you look al me.
that goes through Lhe
minds.
impedimenl thaL makes
I look al lhe ground
But I buill a Lunnel
deep blue middle of our
My vision is poor and doctors Lell me I
won't live too much longer.
But I built a cry for all Lhe world,
who knows what iL hasn't known yel.
I can't swim and I'm afraid of beinq
alone.
But I built a way back from lhe place
we've been lost.
�~
.
r
.
GUARANTEED NOT TO ROB
=fee/I! in my 6/ooJ
Meta-perspectivlty:
.
.
Watching You Watching Me Watching You
by stay 1ov1all
. "A common metaphor is that people .
read one another, for intent, meaning , for their
feelings ... hence people are texts
"I read much and often. I have seen that
reading,
here are many ways to rea<l: speed for
t
d.
reading for comprehension , rea mg
memorization There is also read;ng for fun ,
liesurely reading , that is, and reading of
necessity (like tax forms). It strikes me that t
eo le should be read in all of these ways a
~ne~irne or another, and that most often we
s/Jould read for comprehension.
LIFE is LIFE is eating is LIFE is DEATH is Life. If you can
"I have tried to read texts in different
es Sometimes I am successful,
I
anguag ·
·1 ·ty f one
usually by virtue of the simt an o
Oft
to another that I know better.
en,
l~ngu~g7 am simply unable to read foreign texts.
~ t~yu~o ~espect unreadability'. however, and tby
my guiding principle of chanty I always try ~h
assume that they are saying something wo
~em~m?er the principles once spoken by a wise man. life
is. Life is ea~ing life. is De~th. Is it that bad? 1 really don't
think so. Smee this fact 1 established I will write a short
s
peom celebrating the existence of being.
it comes, it goes, but beautiful are its flowers
its rythym
its pattern
its inter-relatedness
its sensual, its pleasureable, its high
Come with me into the abyss and realize your dream
It's all within you and around you
read\ng.
.
"There are many texts which I would .l ike to
.n wanted to for sometime, but which
read, hav1 g
wherewithal than I can rnuster on
warrant far more
demand."
The smooth deep purple ~rcu~ial
.
that had I had been hearing.in my
voice
ed and r realized
head suddenly stopp ' .
.
t .t
that I had half been listening o 1
and half listening to ~ou. Thus, I had
not really heard anything:
You were still ~alking. I
inspected the little J\.llTl?S ?f your d
oke and it seeme
eyebrows as youf0i1owlng some internal
like they wer~ od if all of everyone
~ythym. ~ ~nb~r:ome transcendental
is organiz ousand thousand varied .
pulse, a tdhb ts all co-calibrated into
tempos an ea .
d tuned
a unity of flowing ?o.
I lighted a cigarrette an .
'
talking about reading h
·
·
h'
in. You .were
little text, in w ic
this article, abl bbing about reading
the author was
a .
le like
this text about reading peop
C>
New Shape
life is like the wind
Thank you for your time,
God incarnate
texts, and understanding what they were
saying. Reading for canprehension.
I exhaled a large drag and
interrupted: "The thing about solipsism
is that it's lonely . "
You responded: ''Yeah. That's why
I think the Buddhist idea of
eliminating the ego is so groovy."
"But do you really think, ... I
mean, well, how cool could that be, to
totally lose your ego? How happening
could not-being really be?"
You slung your backpack over your
shoulder, and looking back as you
walked off said "I don't know, but
t he re's more t o being a human being
than just being an ego . "
STA PH BOX
jay witherfunk- joomblaw!
r'bekka anderson - booph!
xaft minor - ITRRAA WLL! ! ! !
stay jovial! - chhk-uuuooowuhgawah?!
you - yikes!!
·
chavy Block -god incarnalc (ZAP!)
.In l~c beginning l~e.re was The Rat's AssTM,
and 1l had X-ray vizwne. When lh
. .
'"'ame, The Ral ' s AssTM shipped animals
e rams
loo-by.- l~>, and lhal's why you are here
~J o~rn1~ns, o~l.looks, JYeltanschauun;en,
- l<.~ds expn~ssed herem are strictly those
~ the1r respechve authors, and are infallible
Bo not be confus.ed, or try lo consume, just.
REATHE. A void eye contact; in case of
emergency consult a doctor immediately.
I
c::i)
E
~
--• <:l)
�Bu.J"ing a Ne~
..
by stay joviall
-wa tc h
..
""·r·1mex ...
.
alarm .. .
indiglo .. .
What time is it? ...
eh - dig that one
Wi sh! could find mv watch ...
I'm probably !ate ... ·
b~t it's relative, anyway, eh?
T!mex ... hmmmm ....
Watching the time ..
indig!o?
What is time?
need an alarm on it...
time is just an invention
tO keep evervthino from ·h:mpPnino
•
J
o
... ·-r -·····
0
al! at once?
what time is it?
Moore: Time is having breakfast
before !unch.
relativity ... ""
Metaphysically snowb!ind
try!no " ' 0 - ...... .. ___ _ ... _.,
0 Ip opt tlw timP
:! !:trge jocular black woman
bun1 ps me
l'e:•!!!S like ::i •rn11flm,\1P r
!e;n!" in anci. ~,-,\·;~;)-;,~<:• -- r:- - • ~
.
" Hi:·~
"'
honev " ont th' timp')"
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Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, March 29, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 22
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from March 29, 1996. On the front page of this issue of the Rat's Ass has the words "Doesn't destroy" which is then followed by Jhay Winterspoons "Builder's Song." Stay Joviall is watching you watch him watch you. Stay Joviall has another article on the last page about buying a new watch.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Xaft Minor, Chavy Block, R'bekka Anderson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5fcc7fa7f0b745a8b0e51ccfc05a6af4.pdf
64bb6bcb2f08983f19198cef83e84742
PDF Text
Text
Volume II Issue 13
January 28, 1994
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Th<y •ouodoo
same 11 years later (thanks to cun-ent
dubbing technology), but their
performance wasn't as innocent as I
The Village People concert expected. "Macho Man" and "Trash
was held at Six-One-Six on Sunday
Disco" were accompanied by pelvic
night, and I'm not lying when I say
thrusts, tongue-gestures, and muscle
that it changed my life. We were
flexing. Tne 10 year-old me would
literally packed into the club, body to have been shocked. The 21 year-old
body, and by 8:30 I was close,
me loved it. It seemed to bring my
intima,te friends with the people
whole life into perspective . As a
around me. By 9:30 we were all
child of the 70's, I never dreamed that
getting impatient for the show of a
the disco beat woukl survive the next
lifetime. The Six Million Dollar
two decades. The Village People, as I
Band opened for the Village People.
now realize, are beacons of light:
blasting the audience with a powerful they represent the timele~sness of
disco beat that was reminiscent of
music, art, and dance. Most of all .
both Rick James and the Red Hot
they assure us that even in the
By I 1:00 we were
Chili Peppers.
1990's, it's still cool to be a macho
primed and ready for the Village
man.
People.
When they marched out on
stage, I was so excited I thought I
would throw up. They were all there:
Cowboy Man, Construction-Worker
Man, Indian Man, Motorcycle Man,
Police Man, and Army man were
decked-out in the finest Village
People garb they could dig out of
their closets. I was about ten feet
from the stage--just close enough to
see the sweat glistening on their 40
year-old muscles.
Don't get me wrong--most
of these guys have aged well,
although I must say they have gotten
a little stranger over time. As a 10
year-old roller skating rink devotee, r
imagined that behind the voices of
• Kiiis fleas
JOO" Faster
"Macho Man," "YMCA." and "In the
Navy" v1ere wholesome young men
•Nonerevlve
to relnfest
whc, enjoyed singing about how much
a /Kiiis fleas.
fun it ·.vas to be representative
lice, do~
members of the male sex.
tlclrs.
The Village People: A Review
by Julie "MACHO" MeiMAN
sticlr-t!aes
"-l1
t..J
'
'
#
e
•
A Musing
by charles schafer
I currently am "1ot
trying to maximize the Good.
If I were, I would
l~~l'HIMfillJiJ!lii
calculatedly compose the rest ~••ili
of this column such that it
would initially capture your
interest and then, abruptly,
try to convince you of doing
the most morally productive
action I could imagine. Be
assured, though, that my
intentions are nothing but a
morass of ungrounded and
unmulled grains of ideas.
I'd like simply to talk
about our essence here, the
meat of our human nature, in
200 words or less. I think
that curiosity is really where
it's at. Where our
fundamental nature is at,
that is. And before you look
askance at this poor inquiry,
theological truths we divine
think with me for a moment.
through rational endeavor
What is the common element
may be suspect as
among all delvings into the
manufactures, if you take my
nature of humanity? The
meaning. The only way to
astute reader will already
escape such artificial holiness
have seen that the common
is ultimately to de-sieve
element is of course that
ourselves back into wholes.
they all demonstrate
curiosity. Get it? See what I Only then can pure
humanistic truth be born.
mean?
This essential
curiosity is closely tied with
the divine side of our nature.
It is only after riddling
ourselves with deep boring
questions, you see, that we
find we ar e h oly. So the
"
�An Early Morning Excursion
by Brian Dixon
Sun comes up, it's
One
Tuesday morning.
problem. The sun is not
actually up. It is four in the
morning.
The sun is up
somewhere, but not here.
Shannon, my girlfriend, has
just risen. Today is the day.
Though her surgery is
scheduled for the early
afternoon, the doctor insists
that she arrive at the hospital at
the crack of dawn.
I should back up. The
story does not begin here. Two
or three days before Christmas
I got a message in an
uncharacteristically
solemn
voice from Shannon, who was
visiting her parents in Atlanta.
If you know Shannon, you
probably do not know this
voice. I, however, know it, and
that it usually_ means something
bad has happened.
When I spoke to her
later
that
evening
she
confirmed my susp1c1ons:
"Well guess what? I saw the
doctor today. They gave me an
ultrasound. I have gallstones.
I need to have my gall bladder
removed."
I
reacted
oddly.
"Ultrasound" left me in
momentary shock, anticipating
the unexpected. "Gallstones"
brought me small relief, but not
really. We now understood the
inexplicable back pain that
had
been
Shannon
experiencing for nearly two
years. After she explained how
technology had eliminated the
use of scalpels, and that the
surgery was outpatient, I felt
some real, satisfactory relief.
The new methods involve lasers
and the such.
It is still
considered major surgery,
though, and Shannon is
understandably worried.
She is not allowed to
eat on the morning of the
surgery. Others might have
had a glorious meal the night
before, living it up before the
sacrifices of the next day.
Shannon, however, is on a
restricted diet.
If she has
another gall bladder attack
before the surgery, they will
have to use the scalpel.
Apparently, the laser cannot be
used if the gall bladder is
severely infected.
The old
methods mean a week in the
hospital, a month to recover,
and a ten-inch scar to
remember.
Somehow, I am not
worried. Shannon is, and this
bothers me. Her doctor has
performed this surgery two
thousand
times
without
complication.
I know the
surgery will go as planned. As
she waits for the surgery to
begin, I give my words of
encouragement, but what can
they do? She reminds me,
correctly, that she is the one
having her gall bladder
removed.
It hurts to see the
nurse roll her away. I know
she is frightened, and for the
first time since the ordeal
began, alone, trying to deal
with her fears without the
safety of me or her family. I
know she will be ok. Despite
her small size, she is a huge
person, and capable of coping
; alone. I still wish I was there,
though. I know that in her
"" IUINID Ml UP
wl1f"11
lif' t-1ui1I. 'Sun•! Nt•w York girls
1·a11 •lam·1•-aml 1111111! •m 1-11111\\tty JOlrn11M-1U11I Awim
-01111 tlriH· in lrarli1· -lu11 "lia1 I \\ Ant 111 know ir, 1·an
thry mo/.·? Sh11" uu• ju~I onl" ""110 nm l111ke a rrnlly
goott t·liot·olalf" 1·ak,.!' So . ..
much smaller shoes, besides
being uncomfortable, I would
be extremely worried, and want
a familiar face nearby.
I did not worry about
her until her father began
explaining the small print.
Apparently, if left unchecked,
her faulty gall bladder could
have put her in a life
threatening situation, one
similar to that of an exploding
appendix. It would !1appen
quickly and unexpectedly. This
is too much to even think
about.
As it turns out, I have
no reason to worry. As I
contemplate the worst case
scenario, Shannon is already in
the recovery room.
The
surgery is a success, and
involves no complications. One
more for the doc. Though she
is woozy and struggles to say
she feels like shit, I feel a sense
of relief.
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WHAT!~
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ON.
JeEAt>Y Th
CDME
ttJovJ
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,-tlA,- 'lov'R£
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I C/t.N 'PRDBfiBL-'f
Jlo Tt#A-r NOW
WfltL.io
B~K F~oM
-rl>
!6 F/eE:.Stt ouR >fEHoRtES·
~E
GADOMSKI
.:I'M No-r•••
otC, :t''/'f KcAP"'/ !
WA,,-
..
I'M NO,... ON M~. ~.
f.£AD'/ ! WHER.lf
IHE HEU.. Al'.E
H IAj" U~, YE,.-.
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MY -na HT~ ?!
I'm Just Visiting
Bl" St<!.lft..
l<G\.4'"es
If you come to New York
sometime and feel like coming
down to the West Village. you
should go to Sheridan Square,
where Seventh Ave South,
Christopher Street, and W4th
St intersect. There, high up in
the air and over the Village
Cigar store, you can find an
advertised representation of
today's man.
Highest up, there is a large
picture of a rugged cowboy,
known to all the world as the
Marlboro Man. Below that,
overlapping the Surgeon
General's warning, is a huge
picture of two men, sitting on
rocks with their arms around
each other. Behind them is a
clear blue sea and a cruise ship
right out of the Love Boat. fn
bold, red letters - RSVP
CRUISES "The best value in
Gay Cruises." The guys are all
smiley and happy- they must be
having a good time and got a
dam good deal on it, too.
What's the me;ming of the
billboards? Does the hetero
representation take precedence
because its on top of the gay
cruise billboard?
Does
everyone driving down 7th
Ave, toward New Jersey,
question
their
sexual
orientation and dream about
lazy days of shuffleboard and
dancing the night away? Is this
whilt this column is about? No
- I'm just wondering what
constitutes a good value on a
Gay cruise.
I mean, is there a difference
between a good value on a gay
cruise and a good value on a
non-gay cruise? You probilbly
get the same accommodations
and the same food. I guess the
difference might be in the
entertainment or the activities.
But, then again, maybe not. I
really haven't called them to
nsk what the difference is.
Maybe I should.
When I look out of my fifth
floor window, I see the back of
these two billboards. They're
not pretty but they do serve the
purpose of blocking some of the
tremendous amounts of noise
that h·avels up from the street. I
doubt either billboard does a
better job of blocking the sound
than does the other. They look
the same from my window.
Unlike a number offeople
I know and don't know, don't
mind livi ng in the West
Village, in the center of Gay
N_ew York. Sure, a fat ugly guy
tned to make a pass at me on the
street one night but that's only
happened once. Boy, I sure
know why women hate that
kind of thing. And, sure, I'm
sure people assume most men
are gay that live in that area
but, you know, its New York
and the sheer numbers lend
themselves to an anonymity that
cannot be had in most parts of
the world. I don't mind Jiving
there at all.
Since I've been back from
New York, during the holidays,
everyone ~as ~aturally asked
me how I hke 1t. It's kind of a
funny question if you think
about it. Anyone who knows
me is not surprised when I
answer - It's OK, I don't mind
living there at all. It's not as
bad as everyone thinks. And
it's not. You can have Jots of
fun or you can let it get to you.
Or you can be like me and just
l~ve there - you cope. You JUSt
live.
Getting back on the subject
of the billboards, one co uld
view them as a representation
o~ today's man. You could also
view them as two billbm1rds
that block the sound of sirens
fr.om waking me up at night.
Either way, I don't mind living
there at all.
~nergy
..
Mrs Robert Fennimore.
too, says
·
I r h
"When I get to feeling tired, ' . I~ . t
el_ get a wonderful ltft 10
up a C am
ildalmost no cime. Camels are so m
they just suit a woman's taste."
"HOUSEWORK takes plenty of
The adventures of James L. Clark
-scientist, naturalist, explorer, and
vice-director of one of America's
largest museums
. ls James Clark led his
f rare an1ma ' over the icy passes
·
N SEARCH o
I d'
. .
from n ta,
exped1uon up
the desert wastes
nd across
.
of the Himalayas, ~
f over 3,000 mt 1es
.
1ourney o
d h'
of inner Ch ma - a
.
. redible bar s tp,
h
er thirst, me
h d
beset with u~g '
:Mr. Clark says: "I've a
and hostile nauves. As .
my share of nerve-tensing danger and tough
going - times when Camels come in ha~~Y· I
wouldn't be without Camels on my exped1ttons.
.
·
It's amazing how qutckl Y my vim comes back
.
I smo ke a Camel after an exhausting trek.
w h en
,,
I
And Camels never upset my nerves.
The Rat's Ass, in an
attempt to widen its
reading audience and to
fill up more space, will
now featu re a weekly
glance at the opinions
expressed by other local
newspapers. This week's
section comes from the
January edition of the
well-known Memphis
Collegiate,
which
somehow lost its way
from CBU and ended up
on my lunch table. The
news story's strong
stance against the civil
rights movement should
make us all think about
our ideas concerning
societal change, grassroots movements, and
apple pie ....
Freshman Bob Shumate of Napa, Calif., stares like ;tout
'n
Corl es 1 "-·ild surmise" over Cal's sea of unknown aces.
•
o- o-o-o -o-o·o-o·o-0-0-0-o-o
6
\
0
D
by R. C. Babaoglu
I
0
Recently, on the campus of Chris-
I
tian Brothers University, a burglar
0
was pursued by maintenance men until
he pulled out a pistol, opened fire, and
jumped the bordering fence to make his
getaway.
Violence on the serene campuses
of America has become more an more a
commonplace ever since the 1960s. The
ci vii rights movement and Vietnam-era
•
pecially significant for
us crime, beprotests are es
the phen~men?niJ~~~ht, for the first
cause ~e1r arnv . tentional lawbreaktime, widespread inthe nation's college
ing and violence to
campuses.
Staff Box
I
b
I
0
C>
0
I
0
I
0
I
()
I
0
I
Rain Man
Ice Man
IceT
lcedT
Nicety
Creature Comfort
Southern Comfort
Hail Yes
Sleet Jesus
Cumulo Nimrod
Mike Augspurger
Pat Garrett
Julie Meiman
Chris Brown
Ross Gohlke
Brian Dixon
Clay Combs
Dipak Ghosh
Jeff Gadomski
Chuck Schafer
The Rat' s Ass is put together every
once in a while by a crack staff of
Rhodes students, alumni and other
people vaguely connected to this
campus, and distributed in the same
loca tion as actual campus
publications, the Rat. If you take
offense at any of the material, the
names above are simply the butt of
a complex joke, and these people
didn't write anything in these pages
(Wait, you say, then why ... ?).
()
·.
G~T A t\f1 WITH/ A CAMEL
.,
.
<
�F~~m~nrtUe
The Male Perspective
by Clay Combs
The Real Difference Between
Men and Women
n•. • ' .
1
.I
A
[With rabid enthusiasm, I
present here the inaugural
installment of a new column
The Male Perspective. Th~
column itself has no raison
d'etre, other than to celebrate
Male culture, to report on
. ' things that interest Males, and
· in all things, to reduce to
nothing, through stereotyping,
the thoughts and feelings of
one of the largest groups of
testosterone-bearing peoples in
the world, Males.
It should be noted right off
that there exist within the
group of Males many
subgroups classified, by and
large, according to tongue
behavior. The dominant male
,,_~ gene for tongue behavior,
· • .:fi:'~ carried on the y sei
' ·
.
•
"What do you mean
'What's the difference'? Yo~
have to have a clean
bathroom," she said. "What
would people think?" She shot
me a glance of utter horror and
gave a little shudder at the
thought of the Untidy
Bathroo~ ,
ending the
conversation.
It later occurred to me we
had unwittingly uncovered the
Real Difference Between Men
and Women. In short, nien
don't care about their
bathrooms. We, don't spend
time in them. We don't fix
them up. We don't clean them.
Bathrooms 1epresent to
men only the quickest possible
satisfaction of bodily urges and
social requisites that, truth be
told, only slow us down and
contribute nothing to our lives.
The men are legion who, even
as they lat.'1er their hair for the
obligatory weekly shampoo,
resent every dig of the fingers
into the scalp, and with good
t .Ka~a Alpha ThelUean Guittard, freshman plf'<lge (left)
•.
formal dancing with J ean Sayre, upperclassU: " hromosome, results in the
c
One of the effects of Greeks .
banging of the tongue over the
·com..--.-emorethanhalfofthestuen·d rweotlnft
lower lip at all times. ~on~~e
_nt body is that they tend to appeat l
e
behavior in a small mmorhy,
~ugh they set the social structure
however, is governed by a less
bein ~t the si:°1ple reason that, I
common gene that results in
thC: Is ape~~ 0~tions, i
the constant resting of the
tongue inside the cheek.]
the coolest lllOlt ~Greeks are
campus. . '
~u people on
My mother and I, as is our
wont, were talking about
bathrooms-their purpose,
decora1.ton and maintenance.
"You just have to clean your
bathroom constantly," she said.
"Oh," I said. "I'm not so
sure about that."
"What do you mean, 'I'm
not so sure about that'? You
have to clean bathrooms all the
time. At least once a week."
I reviewed mentally my
bathroom-cleaning record. It
came to twice a month,
reason: if the networks forget
to schedule pregame shows
before each game in a playoff
doubleheader, the men have to
sacrifice seeing the kickoff of
the second game for no better
reason than taking a shower.
(There is no chance of
showering before the first game
or after the second, for the
obvious reason of Beer.)
So while it may have been
obvious to some, it will surely
take others unawares that the
Real Difference Between Men
and Women traces to the W.C.
I only hope this essay ushers
in a new era of understanding
between two groups of people
heretofore so mutually
misunderstood.
XXX
eDJOY
:r
roughly . Okay· Once a
month. Maybe. "l don't
understand, mom," I said.
At the sw11th11rt derby stagecl by Sigma Chi~ ru h
"What's the real differencer'
llmf'll N'<! with wn
•
• s tt~ were
r nnmt . nn~hffi tfown n ~mnll rolln ro11~trr.
e
IT----.r___== !:J:__J_
Q :
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�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 28, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 13
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1994 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 28, 1994. It's the last issue in the collection, though the headline reads "Special Comeback Issue!!" The front page features pieces by Julie Meiman and Charles Schafer. Brian Dixon tells a story of gallbladder removal and Steve Karnes follows. Jeff Gadomski illustrates for us another iteration of "Fat Bug and Slug Boy", while one "R.C. Babaoglu" writes of events on the nearby Christian Brothers University campus. Clay Combs gives "The Male Perspective" on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Julie Meiman, Charles Schafer, Brian Dixon, Steve Karnes, Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Pat Garrett, Chris Brown, Ross Gohlke, Dipak Ghosh
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/c593064b70066de23930722b9eb6bcde.pdf
780bf26b85c9e43b1e1ca9fe7da9f856
PDF Text
Text
Reality Ill: Narrative of a narrative narratology Jl'/uinstrudil'll
building. Iola Jessop ragtime escalates. l3ou11ting values, lwisb
and darkness. Pushing inlo. Trcadc. Streams of lrcack.
Reality #2: I'm nol quite sure what is going on, bul there is this
gooey bump on my nose.
(enter 111idu.1ives in Lradiliunal 'l'aliilia11 reasanl gar fl, wlw Ul~I
rose petals 011 tile page and stage, and walk in ullt' a11ul/1e1 's url1il
like a sidaeal square da11ce)
Minorcalily II l.3: Whal lhe fm:k? I thought this wus the WVl'r
article. Say, who's writing this? Anu who arc you, anyway?
Surculily #1.4: orange cronmgma haughty flagellum grawling
vou11l pruuucn
Reality #1: Trcudc. GoJJamn. the lrcudl'. Opt·ralivl'
Jiversilies gdls in gu.11 polarity freeze gantry whiskstops gaunt
upgraues. treadl' welli11g oul of the earth.
Reality #2: Shaz.bul! I should have known it all along, you guys
arc WEIRD. Why JiJn'l you just say so in the first place? treacle
my inner thigh, guys. yuu slill shoulJn'l go arounJ slapping
boogcrs on other people/ s faces.
(exe1111L # 2, enter dogged arteries and ln·m l disease)
Minoreality 111.3 type B: Wlrnt's lrcadc?
Nonrealily:
Mirco-sur/supcr co11lroleJ/mcJia rcLllily lll " (<>.33333 repealing:
being vs. 11011-bcing? Is there nothing or lite liJtk of nothing? SenJ
answers care of RAT's ASS. Thankyou for you support.
llDIDIH
�The Rat's Assn• is a meager
attempt by your peers to do something creatiue and stimulating
instead of consumptiue and riddled
with not goingness. Into which
catagory do most of your personal
actiuities fall? This pseudo-publication
has no ties with R11odes College,
so if you take offense at the contents,
take it up with the author, and
·reassess your personal ualues/
they
theY
His breath comes in white plumes beneathe the street lamp,
hands buried deep in coat pockets,
stepping back and forth pensively, but not pacingThe other man approaches wordless,
extends a package while accepting a wad,
departs with a curt nod of coal eyes
The first man returns to his flat with the package
examines the contents on a stained coffee table:
Two men and a deck of cards.
The first man steps back and forth pensively,
hands buried deep in coat pockets,
breath coming in white plumes beneathe the street lamp.
The other man approaches wordless,
extends a package . ..
�.,
3
.
-r Nl. l
;.~
;
Long Greeri Excalibur Raised
Lincoln Contine
by Jayzus Wilherfunk
Okay. That's it. I am going to start
kicking ass.
Those of you who know me know that I
can kick some ass, and ass·ldcldng will be an
endeavor which I am soon going to belabor.
Because I am pisscJ.
Those of you who arc acc.1uainlcJ wilh my
habils anJ pcrsonalily arc t1uilc aware of ils
explosive and l[Uile Jaunling charaderislics. You
know lhal I can be one pissed-off molherfucker,
and this time they have simply gone too far.
They have, those personality-less, buttsucking, thought-vacuumed sons of bitches,
actually mustered up the audacity, the pubescent,
match-stick humored gall, to ... no, you won't
even believe if I tell you. I mean I am PISSED
: OFFiii!! Anger Is seeping oul of my pores like a
· lhick slab of lasagna rage cooking in my belly,
and I can'l move wilhoul stirring up lhe smell of
il. IL clings lo my flesh like a cocoon.
And anyone who has seen a cocoon knows
that it's tough shit if you're in a cocoon and you
don't have the welders equipment necessary to
; penetrate its bonds. That's how pissed off I am
right now. It's all around me. I could rip out my
own tongue and throw it at my dog. My dog's
still happy. Baslard.
So lhese mulalion·induced freaks of
humanity, I don'l really know lhem (lhey mighl
· . __ ,-' •. ,--_..-."""••"":m:;; -1 be walching me righl now), but Lhey decide Lhal,
___ ,1-, . .,_, ..} ··:-:::~,~~;;i
....
.
··~·\:($·.·~'·ti.(;>·;;±~. :-.. •. \' _ .~ .. .;
:
:&:ii1~,r,_--;h·. Y · · .·- ..~" oul of all lhe olher human beings on lhe planel
.. - (including richer and beller•looking people), I
was the BEST PROSPECT they could come up
with. That's how audaciously inundated with
audacity these people have always been. They're
just twerpy little chunks of goo in a stranger's
- vomit.
And right now I, loo, could really blow
some chow because I AM PISSED!! My entire
system is a swirling swalh of ire spiraling toward
revenge. I am going lo starl kicking ass. Heard il
· , laere first, kids. Dr. Dealh is on the prowl and
nobody is safe but the squirrels because they're
hard to catch. That's it and that's lhal.
AND
TlH\T'S
THAT.
'
I
I
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newpaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 26, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 17
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 26, 1996. This Rat's Ass was called the 'That Special Issue." The front page features a Cover Story that depicts our realities. Stay Joviall brings up a deal. The last page has Jhay Witherspoon brinig up how he can kick some ass.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, Chris Brown, Martin Fox, Kevin Mathews
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/5c23910e807e96a0b1ffa19591ae722a.pdf
55713ff01d9de05433560a25df2e4567
PDF Text
Text
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((LAVAL IS LOYAL TO LAVAL
I Still . Have A Dream
by Jay Witherfunk
I had a dream that Rhodes was cool.
Everyone had on a lye-die and the chiba ran rampant.
No, no that Wasn't it. Oh yeah, I remember. There were
a tribe of Rhodents who worshipped the squirrels. I asked one of
the professors of faith to show me why she believed. She took me
to the base of a tree, where, surely enough, a squirrel approached.
She nudged me and whispered, "Now you'll see!!!" The squirrel
looked around tensely for a few seconds then bolted up the tree in
a spiral. The squirrel-worshipper stared at me with pupils wide
and screamed, "DID YOU SEE THAT!?!? THAT IS WHY!!!!"
"Yeah, squirrels rock," I said. Oh shit. I'm sorry. Wrong
dream again. Too weird for Rhodes.
Really, the dream was this: I knocked down lhe door to
President Daughdrill's door with the smallest thrust of my
hulking shoulder and immediately proceeded to the back of the
room, where lay the magic safe to which I held the only key (won
through bloody battle with a maligned redneck demon). I opened
the door of the safe with slow, surreptitious, and scrupulously
mliloqous serendipity And light poured onto my face as I looked
ipon THE INSTRUMENT. IT WAS ... THE REMOTE CONTROL
10 THE BRAINS OF ALL RHODES STUDENTS (except for the
ucky few who have somehow managed to remove the deadly
mplant which is shoved al birth into the skull of all infants by
'he Man*)!!!!! When I picked the control up, lhe knob was turned
> the setting labeled the "Ralph Lauren/ Victorian Age/ sticks1-their-asses/ spoon-fed/'oh my god, look at her butt'/'[
lmrnpoo every day, don't you?' /'tell-me-how-lo-dance, I'm not
iat creative' /Tm okay cuz I'm rich, I'm white and· I'm
te' /please don't change this setting" setting.
This all seemed rather drab, so 1 ch~nged lhe knob lo lhe
. trng "chill daddy-o's" and the thing shocked my hands so ~ad
I dropped it and leaped out the
to
own
0 r wa1, no, I thin:k my dream was somelhmg different. ll s so
·t
· I
hard to remember your dreams some limes, you know·
J was in the jungle. It was dark. All I coul~ he.~r. w_~s l _
w
sound of my feet on lhe forest floor. The surroundmg silence was
b
ble The sounds of my footsteps were so loud lhal J could
un eara tl ·
l d d ·1 t l gt:•l
.
even see 1em· I tried lo imagine a black-lool 1e evt ·, ou · o d
me and I thought I heard him~ but maybe not. I .'.~a~me a
babbling brook thal slurped qmetly lo mark lhe pa~sa8.c of my
thoughts, but it soon returned. lo the silence. And I m JUsl now
seeing that my dreams are so stlly and unreal.
I don't km.i~v. But maybe you do.
I thought I dreamed that Rhodes was cool.
But it's really just a wet spot on my bed lhal I'll have lo
wash off later.
:~at'
windo~ ~y
de~is~··
* 'The Man' is anyone who knows where lo look when lhey see a
word with an asterisk.
>
"Stick to .
your etch1
M TI" ':.:
r. .
�Why You Can't Buy
a Rubber on Campus
ECONOMICS
-by stay joviall
by dauid sears
I think it's a function of angularity, ya
know, in the sense of two things coming together
with a certain fixed relation between them.
Definitely there arc overtones of inundatory inanity
involved, in an essentially egregious mode of
comportment towards itself and us as a community
of people acting like students.
And Rhodes is a churchy place... religious
hangups hang out like Damoclean bad breath. Not
that I have a problem with D~mocles' breath, or
religion, or hanging things -- it's just that two
lines or this situationality don't seem to be at a
right angle when you think of that nasty little virus
running around out there. Yes, the administration's
lack of rational responsibility forces the
responsibility on our heads as students, but I
suspect some lessons should not be so potentially
costly.
\
If I oNly HaD a GuNnnN.
by MlchAel AIAn LonG I
It'S LatE AnD DaNZig Is oN ...
IF I onLy Had A gUN.
TheN I'D Be DUNne.
ShE WouLD NoTICe mE.
And My fOOd WoUld Be hOT.
LifE WouLD BE mORe PG-13
I CoulD TeLL MY StoRIES And
ShOW My TatTOOs.
WiTh A BeeR And A gUN.
No mORe StAined GlaSS.
No MorE TiGHt JeANs.
"HeY maN, WhAT's UP?"
BOOM!
"WHAtaREYa'Ll uPtotONiGHt?"
BOOM!
"IS ThiS GoNNa be On tHe TeSt?"
BOOM!
"COulD yOu ThrOw me a zlmA?"
BOOM!
AIL ThEse TaTterED BaSEbaLL CaPS
AnD KaKKi ShORTs
AnDTevaS
AnD BoOMin' baSS
AnD IED zEPPlin Cds.
TheRE WouLD jUST bE PeaCe.
AndaLoT
oF DeAD PeoPLe.
I DONT Bf OLD FASHIONED, MOM!
PRO·PHY-LAC-TIC PROLON· rs
. BETTER THAN PIG- BRISTLES !
1
"Ugh, how clicl I
i get here?" Jack thought lo
himsc1f as he opcne<l one
• eye, only to be confronted
by an intense ray of light
penetrating through his
skull. He could only recall
i going to the l~rench
Ouarler the night before to
hc-ive a few d1·inks or
something. Hnt now he
found l1irnsclf slTetcl1e<.l
l out by the rive1· in an
j uuimaginaMe conclltion.
I His hair was knollecl up
' around a huge wad of gum
which was stuck to the
grouncl. His hocl y hacl
macle a bed for itself in a
! pool of vomit complete
! with a few barely <ligest. <~J
i hot dog wieners. He also
became aware of a moist
feeling in l1is right ear.
He yan.kecl the clump of
hair ancl gum from the
grouncl so as lo turn l1is
hea<l ove1·. A yellow liquid
slowly seepecl from his ear,
bearing a stril~ing
rese1nblance to urine.
"What have I done to
myself?" lie thought. He
glMwecl around at his
surroundings ancl
i 1111 nc<liatcly l1<.~<.~a111c
fixated on the waler. To
his~ .&..; '.!1_;~,~~.
amazement he noticed
:.:~r
:I
:"
two cm ns dancing
eleganlly over tl1e river
together. "Okay iL makes
sense now, l'n1 clreatni11g.
AL least when I walw up I
won't have to contend wilh
hot clog infestecl vomit
clripping from my nose"
All of a suclclen a sharp
beam of light attacked l1is
retina from Lhe right. He
turned and saw the mosl
heautifnl human figure lw
lrnd ever <lirectecl his
vision towards. The
figure was a huge black
man possibly seven feel tall
with long wiry dreads aml
an enonnous black ancl
grey beard. The si.gl1 l was
so pleasing that Jack
forgot all about the
graceful emus. After a f cw
moments of silence Jack
askecl the beautiful man,
"\Xll10 are you, what is
?"
your nanie.
"I have no name, I only
l1ave a job."
"What is your job, sir?"
"First let me ask you a
question, wl1at clo you
think of money"
"I don't know, I just use it
when I want something."
"Money is undeserved
power, my brother."
"Ol~ay, so tell me what
your job is?"
"Different people refer to it
l1y <liffcrcnl names"
"\Vhat <lo you call i l?
The magnificent figure
~~1~f~~l$.t,',~ \' . .
....
'.· · , ':· - <. ~
~:- ·<\i;':·r·~fi!K~
J .
replied, ;'Redistrilrntion"
aml tlwn vanisl1cJ.
Jack was ovcrwl1clme<I wid1
wlrnt l1a<J taken place since
he lia<l hecorne conscious.
I Je sloml up aml
aUemptecl lo orient
l1imsclf. I le sat on tlic
heuch hehiml l1im lo
cont:en1plat:e tllC recent
course of even t.s lie lrncl
experienced. He reachecl
in his back pocket ancl
pullecl l1is wallet out. All
of his money and crcclit
cards hacl hcen replacecl by
a. JiLtle canl rea cling "G ocl
�'The R_,,t'" A•s'" is neocnrlrnncul<lr
n '[unkul,.r tintiu,.bulc.rity produced
•·
d
on "' ha•is by people with other specrEio c.n
i·andom factors involved. It just sort of
Irnppens. '['here c.re no i-es{riciion• on wl1,.t
·
. l
=~K
published, so if you lMve ~ p".°blem w1t.1
nrticle pleAse t .. ke it up w1tl1 its re~pech~
'l
And you know tl1osc little pomty tlungs
gc{•
4n
4Ut lOI'·
tlu•t get stuck in tl1e inner pAssAge of the
part?
'We do
th .. t.
n
ow
!ll!f? ll"(l!l _ _ _ _ __...c-
STAPHBOXX
EricBlock--Rumblepuppy
mar1infox--MumbleGUppY
DAVesears--stumble!luffy
miKelong--junglestuffy
DaveWells--bunglescruffy
Stayjoviall--munglEFurry
}heyWitherspoon--tu~gleblurry ;.A~......
AlanBouRDEReaux--a1nnoworry
'
I
I
I
i
I am nobody,
I shall be nothing
I come from nowhere
I am going no place
I have no reason for being here
My entrance was painful
I cried -- Others rejoiced
l'vly exit shall be miserable
Others will cry -- I will rejoie
Stretching between this beginning and end
Is a succession of sensation-None important
There was on]y one important event in my life
That was an affair I attended
Where illusion furnished the music
Folly was my dancing partner
And despair my escort home.
i
i
•
,,
'
,/
-A.SIJ<
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, January 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 15
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from January 12, 1996. Jhay Witherspoon has a dream that Rhodes will become cool one day. Stay Joviall brings up the problem of buying a "Rubber on Campus." David Sears however talks about economics. On the last page Eric Block gives a sad story of becoming nothing.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, David Sears, Martin Fox, Eric Block, Mike Long, Dave Wells, Alan Reaux
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cb14a1ff11961cfa01d9c872f1caf73b.pdf
fdd3a23687b21fce10f1cc44dce63f10
PDF Text
Text
t..\-'s
oo~~ J
3\ ab ~~ 1
,4~ J
i+~
41
b 1tA 4 ~f'1
trH
,J.~!.t.';'
ch -tr + "'·"~
Hl A w 0 0
e~ ~iz ~
r~l\'1~ .
I ;
,,,,., 1f ,
Rarm.r1 .n I us_._ ___
- - 1..1;
L ,f
_ < dipAk Gliosli >_
Ever riden an ass (one with four
legs, you oversexed ape!), a brasf,
basin on your pate, armed with a
bar~e--pole? Yup, I mean the whole
QuiXote trip, menacing windmills et
al. Believe me, it's very condusive to
revelations, every second drawing
you to the meaning of LIFE, even
GOD. I had such an experience not
too long ago. No, there was no real
donkey and saddle. The last I
remember, my leaving the pristine
bathroom on 2nd floor White, was a
freak accident. (Maybe it was only
a divine hand slappmg my skull.) As
I Shaved the fuzi off my face, I
treated m 1self to the horror of
another bloody nick. That fluid red
stuff made me weak. Falling, I held
on to my can of shaving cream.
Neither the spurting ~n gel nor
the metal can kept me from kissing
well-trod bathroom tile ... then,
emptiness.
Man, now I curse that dark period
in my life when I brushed asic e aii
those near-death experiences with
strokes of skepticism. I swear, I saw
a light too. It was red, brilliant red.
If tfiere is a God, He (or She???)
must be a communist, or at least a
socialist. In other words McCarthy
was a
deluded moron after all...Not to take
off on a derivative of my Ramblin'
Function (tangents), I fe1t an energy.
No, there was no great white beard,
haloed flowing robes, or a hand to
transport me m the "other side." It
was a nice tingling alka-se!tzer
'> ensation, as if bubbling fields of
-V-~
~~.~=~~!~'" \ .)
r'."" ,.· :\~
1.
' . .,,,,~,,,
·' .
t. \~-~~·. .
·!
,} . ~
. '
§~~~;;"7"'''.'"; j
golden throne in another dimension.
~r~ . ... :' ....... . ~ by Pat Garrett
,
Think aoc:z~ it: if He/She had hands
\,.
Snow. It's everywhere. Like God.
I
and feet, despite fr.e ia:-;,€:;'.;
") · .
It has t:1 power to make people slip and die, just like
e
;
,.,.,.damned haio, He/She couldn't be
"t. ' God. It is white and clean like God. You don't have to
l
""")
be a 01ristian to feel it. A Godish quality.
omnipresent, could He/She? In that
· r
0::. occasion it takes corporeal form.
.l
reasoning lies an extension for a
,~,
Divine incarnations. Snowmen.
•
liberating (yet, reasonable) "faith."
,,
Fact: More Catholic children eat snow ice cr.,a:n than
That is, "God" is (must be) an
/ '
Protestant children.
'.
omnipresent energy field, an energy
/·
. ·_"f'
People don't uncontrolably make snow demons, er
~
with unique characteristics: of
snow Devas or snow Athenas.
ll
· ·
" I'd"
People make Snow Angels.
~
co apsmg into so 1 matter
When some bruiser is tellin' you that there ain't no God
(E=mc2) and spontaneously
push him/her
incarnating messiahs when quirks
~
-.'
in the snow and say,
called humans go astray; with a
:'t.. .,- .- .' - -"Oh yeah? __
_"
timeless 'balance" that, while
" -~ ,,:-.." ·" ~ ';·.(,: . -: '
.. ,
ilib um, has
always regaining equ1 alri1
......,. ,. · ;
--.:.._ . _ ·_, 1 . ·
(' ·'
repurcuss1ons wnen oc y
- ·~.-- .. ,;
disturbed-l:mtterflies fanning
,,,,--------...:.:.:.....:__ ,......._
hurricanes. Meditate for an instant,
WHY WOULD HE J
instead of abusing yourself with
I NEVER SAW A
Rat-Mush ...I humbly offer you an
explanation for your "enigmatic"
ANOTH ER
WOMAN OF HER.
existence, and even Karma.
Of course, you certainly reap what
AGE SO YOUN&
you sow; some of us heathen are
AND FU l.L OF
condemned by our own free will to
exyeriment with alternate
PEP ~
onentations in this pervasive Fie'. d.
~
The repurcussion/s may hit you
now or later; if it just
happens to strike you after you're
dead, you wonder where in hell lies
your source of suffering in this life.
You may say you don't remember
past lives; in that case, why don't
you try using more than 15% of
your brain fOr a change?
In conclusion, I strongly
recommend French-vaililla, and
remember, Insanity is absolutely
relative. MAY THE FORCE BE
WITHYou.
Are You Growing "MIDDLE - AGED"
p s. Ti.c sting of antiseptic brought
me back to my ' sens!'~~ ."
__.- too fast? Why Many People
/
_
Grow Olcl Fast in Their Forties . • •
!
/ ' ;() '·~
...~'·: :::-·;·:
~-·.:o-
~
~
.
/
�a nyone craving the
material more tha n the
spiritual.
Of course, this move
cr eates some difficulties
of its own. If New Year's
is a family holiday, when
do we all get drunk and
JOHN SAYS ... HER HANDS
ARE SMOOTH... BUT
SMELLY
On Candles, Orgies,
and the Political
Decline of America
by Mike Augspurger
Christmas Eve. The
Candlelight Service.
Silent Night.
Long
Sermons on the real
meaning of Christmas.
Tight green and red ties.
Two-year olds crying in
the row in front of you.
Sitting in the service this
year, I began to wonder
once again what I was
doing there. Sure, I love
Christmas like the next
guy: but the real ~ean~ng
has more to do wi th
presents than with
Jesus. Even my parents
only go to church twice a
year (oh. the days wh en
we made jolly fun of
people like us). It all
seemed a little silly. So I
struck on a plan. Its
s)mplicity sparks of
genius: its completeness
answers all questions.
It is clear th at we
ca n't just give up on
Christmas: after all.
where would all the
presents go? The first
\an irwclves
part ot rny P
ents and
m oving thenpres 0 r that
s ome ,
rnaybe eve
ew Year's.
farnily stu.ff
is as floe
New Years
day to
an arbitrary ny other.
celebrate as
on\y fr ee
This would; candlelight
roe from th ·t ould \eave
.
but i w
service.to t h e Christians .
,,
Jesus
. haPPY· Heer-.
Everybody .s
could even
day of
t he Chris tians
h ·strnas a
make C n .
to drive off
fesuve f as t1ng.
6;;
:t
I pi~ ·lr1 I Ill fK'r~1·; • !I~· ,:or~rou~ -11-.•l..in~ 1·l1
ur11la1 e
rak e rrd1w- out of• ma~a 7.in;- And M"I 1•1 "orl.
I 1ho11~l11 r.1 A~k Hill lo S1m1la )' tol llfll"'-·• and
jrnu ho wl him o n~r "·ith my rale.
Ancient Rome at Ck's
- J ~..':'.J 5 +o v a\ 11
...in holding that there existed already
under the monarchy a group of
families known as the patricians
which succeeded in the early years cif
the Republic 1HERE WILL BE NO
DISCUSSION- Do you want to live
with your mother and I or not?! is
clear that there emerged with great
stay up all night? Now, rapidity a plebeian movement which
now. before everyone created an organization parallel to,
becomes hysterical , I and •llternative to *Clink.Clink*
assure you that I have (silverware) But you never listen to
thought this through. ~Dad! DO YOU WANT that the
With the presents being patrician state, in the course of what
opened seven days later, is known to scholars as the Y-yes sir
December 25 is left struggle of the orders.
completely open . How
Would you like some more coffee?
depressing, to spend
OKAY, here is the bottom line Yes,
such a previously festive please. The plebeian organization set
day, with nothing to do! out to break the patrician monopoly
Ah, but here is the of secular and sacred office in the
beauty of the plan: in Roman *Sniff*, Dad, I thought we
(
rememberance of our came here so thatpagan past (and I don· ~ .'
Coffee steams my glasses. I
want to limit this to just glimpse the huffypuffy patrician over
Westerners-- surely every his son's bony shoulder. In pursuit of
culture has a thunder- its first objective the movement was
bolt wielding sky god in I'VE HEARD ENOUGH! IF YOU WANf
their past). we can revive TO UVE UNDER MY ROOF, SHlJf UP
the holiday which begat AND LET'S GO. We shall see shortly
Christmas in the first how plebeian aspir!ltior:s were- Could
place: Saturnalia. What I get my check piease'/
than a Roman orgy
to ta ke the place of New
Year's Eve! -In my mind .
any Christian who can
fast all day while
watching the rest of the
nation indulge themselves in the material
certainly deserves some
sort of salvation. Ah.
Saturnalia!
Gorging
ourselves with appetizers,
we'll nurse our Christmas
Day headaches with
thousands of other
Americans, and watch
men run around a
stadium hurting each
other. Perhaps someday,
the rapidly increasing
madness among our
leaders will allow the very
President of the United
States. with the turn of
his thumb, to decide the
collegiate
national
football champion.
I cry, and hope you
cry with me: If America
must
tumble
into
decadence, let us fall not
like England, or Spain, or
some such short-lived
world power. but like
phuh ......
The damn alarm went off too
early this morning. I cussed
out my vintage 1982 Toshiba
clock that sounds like a prison
buzzer opening up the cell of
life for me to enter every day.
b e ~ te r
Rome itselfl
NOW LIFTI Lower your hands,
finger-tips under abdomm and
lift. Notice the graud feeling of
111thtuess aud uplift. That's the
right ki11d of s11.hport for muscles
t hat want lo sag . .. a11 d Ihat's
what Spire/la alo11e can give.
~···••11••~11T"1
~,._
~~
~
-o::=""'
r
.6
{
if
I staggered to the pot lo do
my daily business and read the
TIMES. I started a Hoya De
Monterrey Excalibur, took
four long eternal drags and
moved to the patio to reread a
letter I received yesterday. My
eyes combed through the
knotted words as I sipped on
my coffee and looked at the
scribble over and over again .
My fingers ached as I reached
for the black ink pen lying on
the table and I began to
respond. It wasn't a very long
response. Honestly, I
probably didn't say enough.
Moral ambi guity was the
main thrust of my response. It
wasn't about human nature, if
one defines human nature in a
literal way. But, if one defines
human nature by the actions
people commit, then it was
about the transcendental ego
we all participate in. People,
in general, are morally
ambi guous creatures wavering
between the n·ght and wrong
of their society. This
rn:.. ~~ ·.-"\
_. " ~ ·' '
the greatest characteristic of
humanity. It would be a
boring place if everyone did
right all the time or did wrong
all the time. Think of it, an
entire planet C'f humans doing
good or evil constantly, with
no oscillation between the
two. T here would be no Nazis
saving Jews or Christians
killing for the cause of the
/
=>
A light dusting,
not even enough
for a snowball,
and as morning
becomes noon the
sheet on my
father ' s back deck
melts in the spots
I place my naked
toe.
Sky becomes blue
'
birds begin with
their strange
language: fluid
metaphors like oil
on water,
idiom develops, is
used, aural punctua t ion evolves
is ignored, and'
tertiary meaning
is conveyed to
become a fourth
level.
If reader
dis .::usses poem
with another'
poem becomes
virus,
identical to
sunsets,
and lonely
funerals
and professional
Kingdom . There would just be
a constant state of repetition.
It would be like working on
an assembly line.
Perform function. Disengage.
Perform function. Disengage.
No differentiation to be
found. Constantly performing
good or performing evil would
become dull and mundane. But
to have the freedom to choose
one or the other, now that is
enticing. In this state of
fn~rri'1 FI and possibility,
confl icting emotions and
actions can come to life: Good
and Evil, Right and Wrong,
Love and Hate, Passion and
Apathy, Laughter and Tears,
Ecstasy and Pain,
Decisiveness and
In
.decis.iveness. Ambiguity
h
d any
gives nse t~ t ese an 1m ~ wrestling.
more. So raise your g ass an
b' 'ty and
have a toast to am 1gm
..... t\,~ 'SL \\
l\.UV
oscillation, the basic human
.._)
!l.
wavering . or oscillation .
behavior.
bctweennghtandwrong1s
-c.b : ,,,. >V"\,/"V
<;'A -~- A~ /'\/ v
SWIMMING UNDER WATElt for even 25
yards is a feat that would exhaust the
average person. Claude Newberry went
· ·2 ;1. ! r ,J: ,' H,. s i~1 5: " rd waik a mile
'
for a Camel'-that's how I prize the 'lift'
I get with a Camel after swimming."
j
~ L..:...::~rMiil:~lS~~~~i
�Peter end
Rre Ulslted
Salesman.
Wiiiy
by
a
by c. schafer.
- Willy: Hello, how are
you?
- Peter: I am good.
-Willy: Well, I just came
ouer for a chat.
- Peter: Oh, well, good.
-Willy: l nnti ced on the
way ouer that the
Scintillating Skin Care
uan is parked on your
block. Scintillating Skin
Care salesmen
in
uariegated uniforms
appeared to be rushing
door to door, balms
akimbo, peddling their
skin care wares. They
were headed this way.
- Peter: In uiew of the
impending · uending I
think I should turn off
the doorbell. [doorbell
rings]
-Willy: l oo late.
- Peter: We 'll haue to
answer ;t.
-Willy: There's no doubt
about that.
They
probably saw me come
in.
They knoUJ wa're
here, <rnd those pitiless
bastards haue con nections in D!sease
Dissemination.
- Peter: I'll get it. [Peter
opens the door]
- Salesman:
Good
afternoon.
I'm from
Scintillating Skin Care.
May I come in and tell
you about some of our
new products?
- Peter: Come on inside
and haue a seat, sir.
We'd loue to hear about
your products. [all takl!
th2lr seats]
- Salesman: This
b rand
Freckeliminator lotion.
I t s purpose is_to
- Willy: Its purpose is
euident already, sir.
- Sal esman: Ah, but you
are wrong. Our newest
<t~ uertising
scheme
G'. es the application
fa!. ~- t misnomers to
om roducts. The
/·
, _ ,_
1ac uc 1s irony, you see,
for what could be more
ironic than a line of skin
care
products
the
surface meanings of
whose
names
are
completely deceptiue?
-Willy: Few things could
be.
-Peter: What is the
actual property of the
Freckeliminator lotion?
-Saie~ •n an:
It
transmutes the tre'ated
portion
ot
human
epidermis
into
a
remarkable facsimile of
goat epidermis.
- Peter: How in God's
name could such a
product be marketable?
- Salesman: People might
surprise you.
I know
they surprised me. Of
. course, that was a long
time ago and I'm used to
them now. Euen still,
though, when I am on
occasion
taken
at
unawares, I feel traces
of what could be termed
" surprise. •
-Willy: When was the last
time a person surprised
you, I mean genuinely
surprised you?
- Salesman: · Only last
week I was talking to a
potential client - and
getting nowhere, I might
add - wt-Pen he starts
spinning
off
this
ludicrous theory about
how to win.
-Peter: Win what?
-Salesman: Well, that's
part of It, you see, he
had this notion that life
Is a sort of competition
the purpose of which Is
to connect the physical
aspects of language with
the objects or ideas
they represent.
-Willy: That doesn't make
any sense.
- Salesman: No, not really.
I didn't eHplain It uery
well either, though. I'll
glue you an eHample. For
instance, he thought It
was deuilishly cleuer to
use big words that mean
big
things,
like
"elephantine.• .
He
fawned for fiue minutes
ouer the •t • in "spit"
that causes those with
certain speech problems
to eHpectorate slightly.
If the spellin g of the
word
• circle·
were
chang2:! to • 000000" he
might instantly die in a
spasm of eHcessiue
pleasure. You see what
I 'm getting at.
- Peter: I do, and I see
why you were surprised.
- Willy: Well, I must be
going.
I 'II take the
"Tried- and- True- HealthyHue- 1mbuer· lotion. How
much ~; it?
- Salesman: Free.
It's
eHperimental.
(213 eHe1Jr.H
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 18, 1994, Volume 02, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1994
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 18, 1994. On the front page of this issue Dipak Ghosh talks about God and the darkness of death. Mike Augspurger declares the Political Decline of America. Jay Stovall mentions how the families of Ancient Rome may have lived, all the while Bob Shumate talks about the "Praise of Ambiguity." On the last page Charles Schafer tells the story about a Visit by a Salesman.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Dipak Ghosh, Nike Augspurger, Jay Stovall, Bob Shumate, Charles Shafer
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/cdff95bd788106fc470c46fd95cfb41f.pdf
74ce6647810e2ebd91dc5e089cd60c34
PDF Text
Text
S
OoM r N ~ -,- x:
Pf;::C:C ~ L
~
p
I
s
0
0
0 '"''
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Whar-'s
your
excuse?
"My O\\ n, aii11otrt.>h it.-.; 11111nine ciui ci;
lcmporaiiiic..; 111 an updr;111 ol dJ<111111 ._. -. I''" " lic'l i
hcrc11 itl1 and hitlrcrlu. ,.
"Ant.I 11 hat's .1cit11· poini , \l ()rl-.111µ IHi1 :'
H.ampm1t hoilcniois lcu1 inf! <JJ1 il1L· llc'\i dr;1111
.Juggle me a rnc. ;siah, 11<111· 1 1 ;1 ·r"Fi .\ .ali1 e and cllc11c11sc1wc. "lr1111 ci1w cd
flowing cuuntc1 -pupp_ lorcst.1 · . .le" i;il
1
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lorpcuoc.\ ol' d _ '-'lopiw1 ice crea111 d11 pp111e1.,. ·
'
1
"Cabbage me IH>I , .i<ll ior - 111<
'
111. \\-/r('11·" llw
bacon arril(.'. d1 T
"Fctidhorscl-11uis 11<11 <'ll ilrc µ 1ci1111 l111c
!hangs. Mobili/.c hardc11cd ci\irap 11;i1n111 e
cl i ppcrs. "
"Who' s count int! !he gi1 ens. M 1. l 'li11-.;i '.1 111111µ
reel uses or loriJ
siopra.\ 'l"
'
"You bore me. l nccc.J anc ii lier 1uli...
'Tic a/really applied lor ilH· pc;..,,,,<1n .·
"You m;11· list Ill<.' <1-; a rclcrcncc ...
"But I am )Our c111plo~cr. '·
ch
"Oh.''
"Don' l mcnlio11 i l. .,
"Form s i m pl) is."
" I kno\\'"
"No, bu! l'll lcl )Ou co11ii!llH' lo tlrinl-. i/Ju1
'
II
OD
�Garlic Is Good.
The Rat .' s Ass™ is a trump thumpin
bump grumpin mid-evil somethin fierce
comin down your chimney with a
smile and a groove; all opinions
expressed all solely their author's
and aL·e not affiliated with Rhodes 0 •
Have a day. It's all yours.
A Dialogue.
By Jay Witherfunkengruven
Say Yes
ii 1 L 1tu
e
di
1cl riff18S ot
living maniac. Beat rne.
<-1
( .i 111:,,i illt1 i1vi11g ant1-Gocl.
It really does exist-I swear
it
.I
i i 11 l10~ pnninq to l t:el a bit antsy about the recent death
d0vt: lof.)1 i-1ent.
Wiiai should I do " I believe feeling-a-groove is what is
i1 ·1 orde( i he rJeatli development is only a secondary
l: onnection vvilh tht: beyond--Not important--Mortal
i1u111qs'i Ci10atic unn-1oralistic universe? Could it really
bt-1'? A1 8 we really iliat vulnerable? Fuck Yeah... Feel the
y1uuvt: ---lls all there , everytl1ing you ever desired.
·.
-!:!
;:s
~
':!
"'
2
........
-s::
,.,
, '
i lie previous was all part of one section of existence.
I hurtl 's n1orn 10 be had . More to feel·-· There is just
more l1emq to l)e done-- That 's All. Just being. That is
all Iiial 1s Hnporiant. Be Be Be Be !
BE~
• t. 1
i-'1
!
1
I \'
-~
2
~
Now shake that thang.
'
'
•
"Okay.
You asked for it.
On the way down
here, I walked backwards so that I could see
where, just a few seconds before, I thought I was
going to be."
"You must quit saying things like that, or
your life will get strange.
Plus, I'll take away
your festive beer huggie and start callin g you
'spooge muffin. '"
"That's not fair. You look much more like a
spooge muffin than I do, and my beer huggie i s not
only 'festive,' but downright ROWDY . . . sucka."
"Hm. Your hair is on fir e."
"Hey!
Whoa! !
How'd you do that?
Hair on
fire sucks."
"I'm a: creature from a higher plane posing
as a human.
I possess abilities to distort,
create, manipulate, and pulverize any bit of that
tiny portion of the uni verse you call 'rea lity'
with the merest evil thought inflection.
That
makes you my bitch."
"I saw you put that lighter back in your
pocket, ass-hole. You're nothing but a big stinky
weener-ma . . . WHOA!! I feel different . . . You
changed me into a Buddhist monk!
Ah, the h armony
of it all!
Hold on.
You can't just show me the
way like that I
Part of the destination is the
journey itself .
. What the hell am I saying?
I'm a presbyterian!!
Would you please just leave
me alone, crazy dialogue partner?"
"Not quite yet."
"AH ! AH ! AH !
Oh, dear heavens and hot-dog
buns!!
Did YOU just make my penis twelve feet
long and extend my colon twelve feet beyond the
lip of my sphincter?
This is all getting r eally
weird."
"NOW you are equipped for LOVIN FROM AN
ALIEN.
Stand on your head.
The blood that will
rush to your head provides good lubrication. "
"No, man, I quit.
This shit has gotten too
weird.
Really, man.
No, don't DO that.
Wait,
a re you humming the theme song to MacGyver? What
the hell! ! !
It's too weird.
Where's my swiss
army
knife?
IT'S
TOO
DAMN
WEIRD!!!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
�J. VPhosphatidylserine
~
() \\
\~ ~J_
.
Hard Knocks
0
.,,0 ·
End
hy
stay j1niall
Can:cnirig
headlong,
al/ of.c very lhino
cI
S_l<X >iJ ng bencathe me
like fdm on a pn~cclor
out ol control.
I ain
hurtling through space,
\\'here
nothing is,
I am flowing,
gro\\'i no
.
b'
going
going
and ha Its/ am
slopping i_ lo a dreamed trance
n
01 hypnol!c wakefulness,
a snull ed candle
and nuclear \veapon explodin
each second passing.
g
Pause.
Inhale.
Begin .
.J
PAGE
~
~
E
nergy F
rom
TheFar&st
·············································
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, February 16, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 20
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from February 16, 1996. This issue of The Rat's Ass is called the "Special Domination Episode." On the front page Xaft Minor gives us not a dialogue scene, but something close to it. Jhay Witherspoon gives an actual dialogue. On the last page Stay Joviall how the end may begin.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Xaft Minor, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/148a383085a8473b464406f387f09f25.pdf
ffb4ffd61c7922f3ee4e2928e7bd270a
PDF Text
Text
"T::,~.:kiing the most benign issues, for fear of Santa Claus."
Don't tw,·
body to ist Your ,
Qet Into
Position.
~
..,_v
~
<,.,,o""
Vol. Il Issue 12
~
I
December 8, 1993
<\>'l)
~/~Special Holid~l. , !~sue !!
* • • • • * * • * • • • * *
The blatant
presentation of raw ideas
through the form of
DIALOGUE has fallen into
disfavor in these subtle and
calculated times. Those of
us who eschew elegance of
form have gone underaround
'
writing our simple and
styleless pieces as best we
can, burdened as we are by
the weight of ignominy and
general thickness.
Occasionally a fragment such
as this will be championed by
a poor and struggling rag
which can find no other
"copy• to fill its worthless
calumns. It is only through
these pitiful opportunities
that our opinions see any
chance of entombing
themselves in your brain.
Read this, then, with the
kind of special attention you
would give to a sick and
dying animal. You owe it in
the name of pity.
A Conversation
Between John a.
Smoker and John
Nonsmoker
jqs: Why do you persecute
me so?
jqn: Because your very
existence persecutes me.
jqs: Good point.
a.
jqn: Do you think it is cool
to smoke? Or are you
merely addicted. Pick one; '
will be condescending no
matter which answer you
choose.
jqs: Both. Does that mean I
get a double dose of you on
your high horse?
jqn: I would have thought
you'd be more creative.
jqs: If I told you why I
really smoke, you'd laugh,
maybe think I was just full
of sh_t.
jqn: Go ahead, shoot. I'm
listening. I don't have
anything else to do, and I get
fidgety during long silences- don't know what to do with
0u••••
unfulfilled oral fixation is a
bugger for creating nervous
tics.
l'HE § Do not. let Grey Hai
_
[jqs lights up)
§
appear.
jqs: I sincerely believe that MEXICAN § or1f1n•I colou r. or White Hair to
= R~·! 0 r•• Grey where the il•ndi
smoking is the 1~st
HAIR § notdH!royed. com1nt out. Hctt or
Cl
:; tb• H•1r from Pre~entaOaodrulf,
connection we moderns h
§
••d Srreoc<h••• th• "'''·
.
ave RENEWER =is NOT A DYE
With the primitive archetype
I s
Sold Ev~rywhe r
of humanity. Human as firepossessor, human as torchjqn: ·-.vaS: you say?
cai·rier, human as controller
jqs: Yes, •was.· She died
of that most powerful of the
of lung cancer last year.
four elements of nature
jqn: Doesn't that make you
jqn: Fire?
' ...
want to stop smoking?
jqs: Indeed. The power to
jqs: Why?
burn is the power to
jqn: Well, obviously because
destroy. Imagine it ...
a death in your family due to
unimaginable power! In
smoking should make you
1
addition, the cigar or
cigarette is a phallic symbol,
which reminds me of my
mother. She was a smoker,
too.
r'l
u
reconsider your own
smoking habit!
jqs: Smoking doesn't cause
cancer! That's a lie spread
by aliens!
chuck: Does anybody want
part of a tree trunk?
jqn: What!!??!
chuck: Now that I'm part of
this conversation it's a
_ trlalogue. I was just
asking. Pardon me. I guess
I'll be going.
jqs: Before you go, could
you settle one thing?
chuck: Sure.
jqn: After you sum up the
pros and cons, is smoking ...
cool?
chuck: Why, I believe that it
- - · [cough]
b'\ ~\.. ....\....:
~,L..,f-
�Random Ruminations on an Old Magazine: Holling Sto~ August .5
;Jy Ross Gohlke
One thing I can't stand is
)]d magazines. It doesn't
matter if I'm just biding time in
rhe john trying to beat my dad's
1 ecord for pages read on the pot
r trying to put myself to sleep
(my textbooks usually suffice
fo r that), old magazinesanything that's not the most
recent issue- just plain suck. So
why am I reviewing the August
5 issue of .l?o/lhlg Stom~an issue
with pages still devoted to the
"Lollapalosers Tour" '93?
Because I didn't even read that
article (not all of it) and
because I can . Also, it was a
Christmas present from a friend
back home who works in a
music store and got it for free.
So it has sentimental value.
My friend saved it for me
because of the Soul Asylum
cover story. "soul asylum,
platinum punks" is a pretty
good title (better than Time's
moniker: Tunesmiths) and the
a rticle is pretty good, too.
Have you ever noticed, though,
how
rock
magazine
interviewers always have to
concentrate on one member of
the group, even if the band
members say things like,
"We're a team. Everyone is
equally important"?
Dave
Pirner is in the middle of every
photograph, even the ones that
aren't just of him . I just don't
understand where this guy gets
off saying, "It is the interplay
of Pirner and Murphy that
defines the balance, that keeps
soul asylum pointed down the
highway." What about poor
old Karl Mueller, who started
the band, and Grant Young?
Don't they count? Well, I want
to forget about Dave and Dan
for a moment. I think that Karl
just (well. back befor:e August 5)
dumped his girlfnend of 1,3
years for Winona Ryder. Shes
not even that hot! (too
scrawny).
The article about Eden
(pronounced Eddin) Jacobowitz,
who got in HU GE trouble at U
Penn for ca\hng some people
"waterbuffaloes" and told
them to go to the zoo in an
attempt to make them be quiet
while he was studying, was
infromative and moving. They
Camera ham
~'
l read most of the album
.
but I don't feel I can be
review~.
h to criticize
objectwe enoug .
rm still
their music cnt1c1sm..
.
f
reeling from the m1ust1ce o
Automatic /or the People
getting classic status (five
stars[~ 0 *"]) when The fos/Jua
Tree, obviously the best album
in the past 20 years, only got
four stars (** 0 ) . I just don't
trust their music critics to be
objective. 1 should written
those reviews (even if I wasin
high sc h oo 1 w l1en U2 's
masterpiece came out).
There was an article about
k.d. lange, a "lesbian, feminist,
vegetarian canadian" country
music singer who has won "a
grammy and the hearts of
America"; but since I have
little practical knowledge of
this marginalized social
group- and because she didn't
capture my heart- I didn't
read it. Call me a biased
middle class white male
protestant from the heartland
(you'd be right), but ~ just d:dn't
want to read it.
And I didn't even consider
reading William Greider's
article about Bm Clinton. I've
never understood why a music
mag would stoop to the level of
talking about politics.
So that's my review. Hope
you liked it. I just couldn't
think of anything better to say
(what does that tell you?).
tumed out to be black girls With
extremely delicate racial
identities who pressed Speech
Code charges and hied to bring
Eden to his racist knees in
apology. The phrase "black
water buffalo" is defined as a
raciaJ epithet according to the - - - - - - J.l.~h- · universty's Racial Harassment
Iha ..~·· ) - ~ u a
Policy, and "H doesn't matter I
what Eden meant; what
matters is how the words were
interpreted. If the women's
feelings were hurt, then it's
racial harassment ."
Eden
thought this was all just too
Mueller and Grant Young are
cool. Sure, Dave has the really silly to be true, but he
eventually started to feel
cool hair, but Grant's the one
victimized and refused to
with the boyish good looks.
And even if Karl is butt-ugly, cooperate and went public. He
For many years our Money Drawing Buddha h~s
at least he doesn't have to get finally won the case, but not
drawn hundreds of dollars to those who believe m
someone else to play his ba_ss without considerable anguish.
his powers! If you rub his belly faithfully , he will
work his special magic to bring you all the money
when they record. (down wit~ He still stutters when he talks
you could ever need . He can be used in any Money
the SmAshinG PUmpKms .. ) about it.
Drawing ritual over and over agam.
M1142 ... . ................ . ..... · · · .$8.95
Besides, Dave's the one that
-----·
Col)
Q)
V>
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like it musta hap~~ne
. . . body else says
tosome
. '
. '
. 1 ·:"I'm into pl~y.1~
ChadrleY.: ' and not g1v1n
an ov1n
. adamnforthe
rest of my life.''
What Christmas means to me,
or,
Gertrude Stein please report to
the customer service desk we
ha\re found your prose poem on
c URS - ALL fuvj-Ust o. l? cni.t an lff Wt"°r .
THE
the holiday season
gelatin dessert
J;, .
BRAND
N[I WI 307
Money
CAh\l\oS-\- rt\JAt ~ 1-t-~
S~vt +o~ stu.++1~ fG.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy .
Warm fuzzy. Big meal. Warn:.
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Big meal.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Cool present. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Killer Mastercard bill,
spanning the next eight
months in the paying. Warm
fuzzy. Warm fuzzy. Warm
fuzzy. A rose is still an onion.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy. Wann fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
Trim the tree. Warm fuzzy.
Warm fuzzy. Warm fuzzy.
The Grinch. Yeah, that's it.
The Grinch. Warm fuzzy.
Wann fuzzy.
�Maybe So...
by Mike Augspurger
A rag like this
sometimes gets soaked
with pessimism. Cynicism
continually
smeared all over the
headlines. Wrong, wrong,
wrong. Everything has
problems which must .be
cleaned up. This article
however, will help to Wip~
the slate; no necks will
be wrung here, no
policies taken to the
cleaners. Rhodes may
not be as dirty as we
sometimes portray it
After all, it's mostly just ~
bunch of clean-cut
ivory-skinned kids tryi~
to get by in a washed-up
system. So, Cheers to
the signs that Tide may
be turntng:
lJ The International
Studies master's program
appears to be dead.
Never mind that it
supporters
ignore~
almost
unanimous
faculty opposition to the
program, never mind that
it seemed to be perverttn
the idea of a liberal art~
school, and never mind
that someone tried to
push it through on the
basis of a completel
unrealistic budget. 1 ~
the end, the committee
investigating its possible
~cepU_o!1 recognized that
u would cost four times
the proposed/ supposed
three million dollars, and
a faulty idea died.
2)
The MacLab
directors decided (for the
second or third semester
in a row) to stay open
until two during exam
week and the week and a
half preceding. No one
had even to complain.
3)
Both the Pikes
and the Kappa Sigmas
have gone out of their
"Don't Settle for less."
Will be common practice,
and Rhodes Will become
wa to visibly advertise, the grand ol' community
toy both males and which all of us want it to
females. on-campus open be.
arties this semester. 1
There you have it. A
~ member being told my completely optimistic
r!st year that most Gr~ article. Have a nice day.
arties were open to
p ampus· 1 soon resigned
c
1f to the fact that
~=~as true only in the
sense
that.
s~~·
professors have comp e e
Th b
academic freedom in the
e rew that's all bark, no bite!! classroom. Perhaps one
day this type of gesture
THE RAT'S ASS OFFICIAL STRESS TEST
(All questions adapted from the Stress Test in Briggs Student Center)
(answer al! questions "Grrectlv and honestly.)
1. Every night yoa find yourselfstudying after midnight- add 5pts.
2. If you drink alcohol or use tobacco to alleviate stress- add 5pts.
3. If you procrastinate on ciass assignments- add 5pts.
4. If you use time management skills- deduct 1Opts.
5. If you have a family that bitches at you- add 5pts.
6. If you decide to go watch a movie instead of finishing
that important paper- add 5pts.
7. If you are at least lOlbs. under or over your ideal weight- add 5p
8. If you have sex without any protection- add !Opts.
9. If you dropped out of two of your classes
this semester- add 25pts. and give yourself a pat-on-the-back
10. If you attend Wellness seminars- deduct 25pts
11. If you get up in the morning before 10 a.m.- deduct 20pts
12. If you don't get along with your roommate.-add !Opts
* Brou~ht to you by The R.A. Foundation for Wellness
Stress Test Score Chart
75-65: Good job. Your stress level is not affecting you.
65-50: 0.K.; You need to drop a class and have a beer.
50-35: Trouble. You need to re-evaluate your priorities.
35-0 : Emergency. Find the nearest gun and shoot yourself.
Death is better than the life you have.
Let falling knives fall. (Never
attempt to catch them!)
Nostalgia in advertising: Conipan~es ~ring back
the past to sell everything from sh1pp10g to soup
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 8, 1993, Volume 2, Issue 12
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, Winter 1993
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 8, 1993. This Issue of The Rat's Ass was the "Special Holiday Issue!!" On the front page Charles Schafar tells a story in the name of pity. Ross Gohlke critics old magazines and how they have no relevance. All the while Clay Combs tells a beautiful Christmas poem. Mike Augspurger tells us why Rhodes isn't as dirty as we portray it on the back page.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Schafar, Charles
Gohlke, Ross
Combs, Clay
Augspurger, Mike
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/ca2203778543117d7a783f9b1bfbfc6a.pdf
81c094e17a4613f1f2747922a3c9c2dd
PDF Text
Text
De- c.. 1 +"' \,, St~ s \It.
J>y: chris brown
l'1
~ olI.I tr.~ ti
With the wipter solstice almost upon us
and the irm1ing of report cards that always
ensues during this blessed month, T thought
it wmild good for Rhodes not to he left out
of all the fun. lf you or your group
didn't receive a grade e-mail me and T
will issue you or your group one. All grades
given are hased on an impartial and
objective scale of merit.
Rhodes Student Government: F
Too conservative. You guys and gals
need to transfer to Bob Jones .
DOMINANT
The Book Store: f
The next time Tneed an over-priced
book, l'll make it a point to swing by.
LIFE
CHARACTERISTIC
LIFE
Mon
Mammol1
The Rhodes Student Body: D+
Too white, Republican , and, in general,
apathetic about everything.
The Rat Man: F
The Administration: F
This grade wac; given on a Pass/Fail bac;is .
Maybe the administration needs to be eva1uated
by the SIRs?
Bitch Slap!: C+
Good idea, but write something
worth reading.
Get a real cappuccino machine.
Reptiles
The Campus: A+
fhhH
Dick Slap!: F
Should be renamed Dicldess!
The Faculty: B
Overa11, an amiable group of
people who would like to have
a more academic-minded administration .
Amphibians
Invertebrates
Greek Organizations: F
..
You should spend your money
on better looking clothes instead
of buying your friends.
Primitive
Multicellular
form•
It's the squirrels.
Overall GPA: 1.5
The Rat: D
The food is just slightly
more bland than the student body.
Multiply this by 10,000 and you
have the magical formula for tuition . .
Unlcellulor
fo<m1
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February stared at the flourescent tube lights. His boss pointed a fat
\
finger toward him without a glance in his direction. "Pass me that dubbaya dee
forly, woodja."
February grabbed lhe greasy can and handed it to his greasy boss. He
'
wondered what "WD-40" meant. His boss sat on a stool by his workbench,
\
fin~ering an old door hinge L.houghtfully., His lhick thigh~ enveloped the s_ool on
t
wl11dl he sat and February tried not to lhink about where it went when he sat on
~~ '
-:; j
.:!!I
..~'
~
1
it.
1
The fat man mumbled lo himself as he contemplated the procedure that
would restore the door hinge lo all its former grandeur as a functional bit of
realily. The pipe he smoked dangled and danced wilh each syllable he muttered.
Smoke curled itself around his head like a cat securing a spot to sleep. February
hoped it would take the fat man a long time to fix the hinge. He thought he was
jusl finally starting to see that the flourescent lights really did flash several
limes each second.
And in a burst of handyman clarity, February's boss discovered the exact
spot on the hinge that required a deep blast of dubbaya dee forty. He gave
February a quick look to make sure he was not daydreaming, or what he liked to
call "being out in left field with lhe dodo's and the duo-duo's." February returned
the look quickly enough lo satisfy the moving mound - - a man. "Just makin sure
you was still with me kid, I'll be through in a sec, and I'll need your help with
some things."
February stared al the pipe dangling and dancing from between greasy
lips. He was watching closely when the burning red tobacco leapt out of the pipe's
smoldering bowl on the word "things" (fat man had always packed his pipe
poorly). Burning cherry careened directly into the thick spray of dubbaya dee
forly. The cool liquid immediately became a two foot flame that reached through
lhe air lo a rag hanging from lhe lip of a container on the greasy workbench. The
rag belonged lo an economy-sized coffee can of gasoline, and immediately
introduced the burning tongue tu its can's contents. February just had time tu cover
his head before lhc fal man's side was fried. February turned lo watch him hit
the ground. His jowls convulsed and slapped the floor. Smoke slowly slid from his
burnt face and torso and crawled slowly into the air. Fat man was burned to a crisp. ,
February grimaced, walked tu the dour, and out tu lhe street.
jay witherspoon: james ·brown
chris brown: miles
martin fox: 'trane
dave sears: bird's heroin dealer
stay ioviall: minqus
Reigndear
by stay jovi111I ..
Don~er arched his chin back
toward his tail, peering at the cold stars.
Beside him walked Blitzen, and both
were indifferent to Prancer trailing some
ways behind. Giving his antlers a little
shake, Donner turned to Blitzen and
asked "At the most fundamental level,
what is disease?"
Blitzen flared his nostrils, white
breath making a sort of halo around his
nose, "Sumpin's wrong wit an organism,
bein' bad fer it, it's gotta dizease."
Donner stopped and dug his fore
hoof into the hard frosty dirt. "I cannot
agree. [t seems to me that diseasecausin g micro-organisms are simply other
species just struggling to live, seeking
self-preservation and -perpetuation." He
leveled his eyes at Blitzen, who had
paused to listen. "When one considers
the relativity of the situation, we are
merely ecosystems. A reindeer or elf
supporting the life and well-being of a
destructive virus does not have something
wrong with him or her, but has merely
become an environment-in-flux."
Prancer trotted up. "Ooooooh,
yeah, right baby, and now I suppose
you're going to say something like 'And
from one possible perspective, one can
view us as a disease being supported by
the planet, which we are making ill, and
which is trying to cure itself of us by its
antibodies which we refer to as harmful
bacteria and viruses."' Prancer pranced
about, batting a low-hanging hemlock
branch with his antlers.
Blitzen snorted, and Donner said
.uothing. Prancer chortled madly and
went on. "Disease is something we've
. en trained to believe is natural by the
. ~ever malicious scientists running world
politics! Disease is the three-degree
nonentity caught in the turning lane o .
"
time by the oncoming traffic of entr~
He reared up on his back legs and yipped
insanely in the still night air. A startled
owl took flight. "Disease! Dis. Ease!
Disease created us! We are a state Qt
disease in the universe, which is a"iate
of disease in reality! Being diseased is a
disease of disease!"
Prancer stopped, panting. 'The
night was strangely still. The reindeer
went on in silence.
�\ ..
:;.-
.
v-~h·
- ~
,,,
.
il.
;. ~:
.
N" Perhaps, someday he VJill
· ihe
,~ · try to take a c\ose, intense
\ighthouse w\\\ remain
look at the ho\es, and
. untfill~ ·
decide that he should
ihis parab\e c\ear\y
arrange an expedition
explains changes in thE
equipped with cosmetics
i state of the gothic
and name-producing
devices to make their way \ p\ayground.
into the ho\es. \t may be
the case that he will
. himself choose to \ead the
1
.
,,.
!•.
",
'
I
expeditio~t \~~fil . ; ·.·
serve as mascot to it in
order to inspire and give
himself something to do
once he has tired of his
duties as lighthouse
What we are doing is
keeper. It might come to
writing these words, which
pass that he will bring his
relate to the words you
optical toys in hope that
are reading. Reading
they will be of service to
these words causes us to
him in the holes.
keep writing these words
Possibly, he could
that you are reading.
pretend to draw
Words read are written for
conclusions from these
causes we keep writing.
observations to prove to
C~uses for reading are
the expedition that its
wntten. Relations of
mission was righteous
writing read writing.
and their moral duty. It is
Which is what we're
a distinct chance that he
doing. How about
will do this so that they
another allegory?
would build him altars,
There's still a lighthouse
doorknobs, and palaces
keeper, who keeps a
full of jocund beekeepers.
lighthouse unlit. There
Maybe, these things will
are still sub-commitees.
come to past, allowing
The keeper still has large
him to achieve his goal of
collections of optical toys
turning the optical toys in
which distort. Everything
on themselves, giving
else is different.
.
distortions with infinite
Holes have developed,
recursion.
and the populace has
ihere is also the
begun to wonder about
possibility that he will be
them. Occasionally,
swallowed up by holes,
someone investigates too
and never heard from
closely and doesn't come
again. If this is the case,
back. Legends proliferate
he will receive a
and are fed to the
promotion from the sublighthouse keeper, who
committee, and have a
~as recently taken a great
plaque announcing that
int
in the holes.
he had lived
I
\
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspapers
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, December 7, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 14
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Winter
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from December 7, 1995. This issue of The Rat's Ass was the Christmas issue. On the front page Chris Brown gives his end of the semester report card of Rhodes, and the grades aren't something to write home about. Jhay Witherspoon brings up February and it's boss. Stay Joviall also talks about Reigndear. On the last page Xaft Minor says how words lead to more words which lead to us reading words.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Chris Brown, Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Xaft Minor, Fox Martin
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/2ea22e3ba47f3479a6db7dbf534ed736.pdf
46e5ff34d30416611af4b0725c98fa2f
PDF Text
Text
fozes
t newspapers at
tliis table"
•
p·
nday 27 August 1993 V 1
o ume 2 Number 1
l
Exclusive Back-toClay's Column
by Clay
Did Somebody Fart?
Scenario: You're sitting
in the Rat after hours. It's
really quiet. You're talking
with some of your new chums
about your high school days,
how those days now seem so
far away, how you're a little
excited and a little scared about
starting out all over again in a
new environment. You share
fears and hopes. You confide
in each other. You accidentally
fart
"Did somebody fart?" asks
one of your new soulmates.
"I don't know, uh, I mean,
I didn't hear anything," you
say.
"Don't look at me," says
another new soulmate. Pause.
"Hey," he or she continues in
your direction, "you did it,
didn'tyou? You farted."
Moment of truth. Or not?
Now, 'fess up. You ain't
gonna tell nobody. You're just
going to lean back in that
wooden chair and deny the
whole thing. Make up some
trash about your chair
squeaking (your wooden chair)
or your stomach growling or
something. Fact is, everybody
knows you farted. You, God
and everybody.
You might as well just
@
0
.th it but we have
come out w1
, of getting
these little ways.
playing
d the s1tuat1on,
,_,._A
aroun.
d letting everyuvuY
sheepish an
they make a
ook when
off the h
get down to
f When you
gaf e.
od farts, makes
it, someb y d him or her
'--Ay aroun
everyovu
ff scot-free.
d gets o
suffer, an
but it can get
Seems harmless.
· es
ridiculous someum '
pretty
r.
C..."-1
00
V
but to the written documents as
they come down to us in this
century. Is it now illegal to
dissent in America? Is
\~
All in favor ofAfigures
say ...
.
'
$ue·
~\ ':)_~.
male with a goatee and glasses.
hat means all women,
nonwhites, eagle-eyes and
clean-shaven types are outta
here. And I have a mole on the
inside of my right forearm.
Guess what that means.
Somebody's farting, folks.
Either we'll giggle giddily and
let it pass or we'll call 'em on
it. Until we start being a little
more honest about things, it's
gonna stink around here.
euoMk
and we all just play along.
A couple of days ago, for
example, I heard a story on the
radio about a town whose city
council had voted to stop
government funding for the arts
because a local theater had
staged plays with homosexual
themes.
The reporter
interviewed several people who
were pleased with the vote,
applauding the council's nod to
"community standards," which
the people implied to be
roughly analogous to Christian
beliefs. Fart.
Is anyone concerned about
the legal rights of the few? I
refer not to the nebulous
Enlightenment-era-natural-lawbased rights our pioneering
politicians may have advanced,
Rat's Ass Proclaimed
Holy Writ
~
thinking
yourse.if
tantamount to forfeiture of
civil privileges?
If so, install me in office.
I'll use my rhetorical powers to
disfranchise anyone I want.
Since Cobb County GA is
taking
care
of
the
homosexuals, I'll leave that to
them. I'll set right to work on
other pesky, troublesome
groups who "threaten" my way
of life simply by not being
me. Let's see-I'm an Anglo
In a controversial move
Thursday,
the
pope
declared the Rat's Ass to be
"holy writ, straight from
the mouth of the Lord."
Biblical scholars have
already jumped into the
ring, one notable academic
countering, "This is just
another Shroud of Turin."
An international team of
acclaimed experts and
college-age deadbeats is
being gathered to conduct indepth research into the
mystery.
Donations will
supply all funding. hint.
by c schafer
�[k,.,r;8~)
' ~0 ,',
I v,,.
l __
J
!~ ;· } ' ,.
1
hf/¢:/
) .i
'(
;, \? ,,
~
~
~i
~~
.,...,
(()
(/J
IJ,J.,
,, {;? "
(()(()
J.,f/J The following are excerpts (due to limited space) from President Daughdrill' s "Report to the Board of Trustees," dated
'a April 15, 1993, and distributed to the faculty (but not to any students) around April 22, 1993:
...Growth has been the paradigm we have followed at Rhodes during the 20 years I've been here .
But the economic winds affecting higher education are shifting dramatically ...And what this means for Rhodes is that
we can no longer expect smooth sailing with a strategy based squarely on growth-- on increasing the numbers of students,
the number of services and staffing we offer and the corresponding amount of tuition we charge ...
We must...change the way we do business ...to. be one of the nation's best colleges of liberal arts and sciences .
... As I said at the January Board meeting, I think our chief focus must be on "affordability." By that I mean "furnishing
value for the price." If we are perceived as providing high value for the cost, we will be perceived as affordable.
I believe the most reliable indicator of affordability will be the disposable income of Rhodes parents. Therefore, we
will try to project our future tuition increases as close as possible to the disposable income rate of Rhodes parents ....
The old adage "what gets measured gets done" is largely true .... Now I want to change some of the ways we keep score.
For instance, we have talked about student-faculty ratio on the assumption that the lower the ratio the better the education.
We have talked about student services on the assumption that there was no end to the on-campus services for which students
were willing to pay. These traditional assumptions served us well during traditional times. But the wind has shifted, and I
want to measure not how many professors and staff we can hire per student, thus driving up costs (sic); I want us to start
measuring our productivity.
The measurements that we have deemed important in the past have resulted in our wanting more faculty, more staff,
more books, more release time, more cost, and more tuition. I want to change our incentives so that we will achieve more
productivity, better use of technology, lower costs per student, and lower tuition increases.
I have asked Executive Vice President Harlow to appoint an advisory task force of faculty and administrators to
recomment a division of our merit salary plan that will recognize productivity and cost-saving measures in addition to
teaching, scholarship, and service. We should have this new weighting in place by December of this year.
To ensure that this redefinition will accomplish our new goal of increased value in addition to excellence, we are
putting a cap on hiring both faculty and staff beyond the present number, while projecting a growth of ten students per year.
We will hire only to replace present faculty and staff (Italics added).
How do we achieve productivity? Part of the answer lies in expanded and innovative use of the latest technology. One
of the criteria we will use in purchasing equipment will be "how does this purchase increase productivity in serving our
students?" Measuring productivity may also mean that faculty and staff will be rewarded for increasing efficiences, cutting
cost, and more efficient use of equipment and technology. Clearly it means that each of us must find ways to deliver
excellence without adding more faculty and staff to get the job done. Increased technology and efficiency can enable us to
provid quality and personal attention to our students, but without large tuition increases ....
.
I
'
The Rat's
Ass is
assembled by a crack staff
of Rhodes students and/or
friends,
published
whenever the staff feel like
it, and distributed for mass
consumption in the
domain of actual campus
publicatons, the Rat.
Obviously there are no
restrictions on what is
published.
There is
neither regard for nor
claim of, truth, so don't
get on usabout it. Feel
free to send contributions
and/or letters via campus
mail to any one of the
poor souls listed here.
~ ·~
.
.
.
..
courts? )
ff iciencY
call for :rne
d Raquetball
A
Don't Nee
(Maybe we
b,·
...
,~, ,
f_f, k75j/~',j7C"/'
purpose of these two courses was
to have twenty-eight people read
a series of difficult texts, listen
to a professor tell us about the
significant symbolism and
imagery , and move on, the
classes succeeded. But if we were
supposed be taught how to think
through an idea and close read a
fictional text, I'm afraid we were
sorely misserved . I'm also afraid
that President Daughdrill doesn't
understand this.
In his report, Daughdrill
moves on to announce-- bidden
within two and a half pages of
amorphous phrases such as
"traditional times," "increasing
have to teach and make happy a~
many students as we can."
Individual attention is in effect
being discouraged. Who will
teach a direct inquiry, or a small
upper level class in an intense
subject, when it will only
decrease their salary and their
chance at tenure? Mathematics ,
physics,
and
philosophy
professors will be doomed before
they begin. The liberal arts and
diversified study will disappear
at Rhodes.
(In an unrelated thought (?),
this policy also effectively
silences the heavily-supported
faculty petition asking that
former Dean of Academic Affairs
Harmon Dunathon be reinstated
James Daughdrill said at an
"Ask, Talk, and Tell" session in
the Rat last spring that bis
function as President was chiefly
a fund-raising one; be left the
academic decisions to the deans
and faculty- an appropriate
position for a successful
businessman who bas not spent
significant time in a classroom
since be finished graduate
school.
So the question arises :
why, in his Report to the Board
of Trustees, does the President
appear to be single-handedly
changing the direction of the
Rhodes classroom? If Rhodes
needs to cut costs (which is
VIBRA-Barbel/
admirable), why are these cuts
~~':,~~t~~ a b~~bell, becau se
being made in areas the faculty
exercis e apPii~ n~= ~~ 71 ~ ~.n l~ ,
feels to be most important?
~ends a glori o u s tin gle fr~ ~l .
ead to to e with evf!ry motio n
Daughdrill writes in the
: •• m ak~ s yo u feel exhil arat ingly ali ve a// o ver!
report that he wants to "change
the way we keep score . For productivity .. . of the faculty," $4450
instance, we have talked about and "innovative use of the latest .,h M " " ' "
student-faculty ratio on the technology" -- that "we are Wl ag1c Pad
assumption that the lower the putting a cap on hiring of both
Ju.1tclip on the '' J.fagic Pad"
a nd '?ouage away bulges:
ratio the better the education." faculty and staff beyond the
eaa1t lt~d •pot3, F eels good!
The implication is that this present
number,
while as a Chemistry professor. But
assumption is no longer correct. projecting a growth of ten that is another issue.)
. .
No reason for this change in students per year." In other
Making such dec1s10~s
perception is given.
b0 ut the teacher-student ratio
words, thirty people will be in
k ' d of
Last semester, I had two that English class next year, and a
surely requires some m
English discussion courses-- one maybe thirty-one or two the year "alternate"
measure
of
a 300 level course-- with over after that.
excellence. Daughdrill proposes
twenty-five people in each. I
This
move
towards that the answer ~o .more
haven't had over twenty people "efficiency" is also being
"efficient" education hes m the
in an English class since the calculated into teacher's salary
"latest techno 1ogy " -- . new
.
ninth grade. Does this hinder increase and tenure formulas . As
.
eqmpment · "One of the cntena
.
the educational process? If the one professor commented, "We
·11 use in purchasing
we w1
.
. ment will be 'how does this
equip
. . .
urchase increase productivity m
P
serving our stu den t s ?"' Is .be
.
.
referring here to the $1 7 nulhon
Ruthie Stevenson, Manlbeddeder
...;:;;:,.~--- - --1
How will a computer explain the
intricacies of Paul Tillich or late
developments in the Middle
East? The frightening fact is that
Daughdrill has no solid idea
which will counteract the loss of
faculty-student contact. In most
of the liberal arts , nothing can
take the place of individual
attention; this is one of the
~uths which has made colleges
like Rhodes so attractive.
The ultimate problem with
~resid.ent Daughdrill's viewpoint
hes in the opening of his
speech. "If we are perceived as
providing high value for the
cost, we will be perceived as
affordable " (Italics added) .
Daughdrill is a fund-raiser, not a
scholar. To him, and the people
he deals with, the difference
between 12: l and 15: l is slight.
To the serious student and the
professor,
it
is
very
considerable. To Daughdrill, a
Campus Life Center impresses
visitors. To a student and a
professor, it makes an afternoon
game of racquetball a little more
pleasant.
business
approach
A
towards growth has brought
Rhodes to national prominence
over the last twenty years. The
goal now must be to make
Rhodes the most effective center
of learning possible. It is time
for the students and faculty-- the
scholars-- to take Rhodes
· ~ College back as their own .
What other campus publication
would miss Seinfeld to bring
you hard copy the first Frida
of school?
Y
Mike Augspurger, Editor Scluneditor
Clay Combs, Predator Editor
Brian Dixon, Predicate Editor
Jeff Gadomski, Etiquene Editor
Pat Garrett, Methereditor
Julie Meiman, Wetabeditor
Chuck Shaffer, Fetacheddartor
____
Campus Life Center ? I w d
·
on er.
Rhodes alr
.
eady has a top of the
1me comp t
u er system and
language lab. Where
next? H
.
do we go
·
·
ow will " technology"
improve that English class ?
That's what we thought!
When it comes time for
our crack Allocations Board to
hold their annual convention in
Atlantic City, just remember
who loves ya, baby.
·Eun foY people who hat
-~e
.
mountains
�The Memphis Nationalist:
Over Easy Please
by Brian Dixon
GUARAN;~E;dO~ft;~a;;~t;HUNDED
\
lJ..~;.f)~
1.·~~
Supp-hose·
In a time when our
culture seems to pride itself on
attending to almost any issue of
discrimination that can be
constructed to exist by our
overactive minds, there seems to
my mind to be a fairly
significant one that has yet to
issue forth from the issue
here. You may be thinking to
factory: the olfactory issue. I
yourself that this is an extremely
have a personal stake here; I do
artificial problem for me, a
not bathe on a particularly
problem that I could easily
regular basis . I assure you,
remedy by s~owering daily. I
faithful reader, that it is not the
could do so. But where is the
artificiality in this situation?
unusual occasion upon which the
comer of my eye detects the
Certainly my odor is natural. Of
subtle nodding of heads or a
course, we have to Jive close
vulgar
sneer
meant
to
together here on this college
communicate ungentle feelings
campus,
so
abandoning
ourselves completely to dirt and
about my odor. This troubles me
and strikes me as unnecessarily
perspiration is impractical.
judgmental; that is, a negative
However, bathing fully every day
judgment is applied to me solely
is a fairly uncommon custom
because I carry the natural odor of
worldwide and the American
sweat Now there may be those
obsession with the daily rinse is,
among you who are already
by and large, the exception to
finding fault with my complaint · the rule. Surely, departures from
this standard should, within
reason, be viewed with tolerance.
If it is not acceptable to make fun
··· of a person's dress or lifestyle,
we can certainly refrain from
meeting variant hygienes with
upturned noses.
by charles schafer
- o:yo1?- make
D
these
common
mistakes
With the term dinner
shamelessly interchanged with
lunch, meal terminology can
be a source of great
consternation. Liberals, like
that vixen Susan Sontag,
argue that this breakdown of
ambiguous language is
necessary for a modem society,
that the rules governing the
amalgamation of low and high
culture should also apply at
the table.
I find great comfort
that no one has similarly
attacked breakfast. For now,
there is a consensus that
breakfast should be called just
that. In this we can rejoice
because the power of a good
breakfast is staggering and
unchallenged. A well done,
and I don't mean overdone,
breakfast sets the tone for a
day offering · limitless
possibilities. Poorly executed,
breakfast leaves- a bitter
disposition and a longing to
return to bed. Speaking to
liberals on the campus and the
morally bankrupt everywhere,
I realize that this is not
necessarily a negative quality.
Nonetheless, breakfast, good
or bad, is the best way to start
the day - with food.
For the most part, the
RAT provides a decent
breakfast, especially if you
drink the sometimes stout
coffee. There are, however,
several other well appointed
breakfasts to be found in the
City.
Offering down home
southern fare, Ferguson's is
perhaps the most familiar
breakfast joint to Rhodesters.
A weekend visit will usually
find one or two students
I
enjoying fried eggs (over easy
please), sausage (patties
preferred) and biscuits slathered
in milk gravy. Ferguson's
specialty is country ham and
red-eye gravy, a concoction of
ham drippings and coffee, and
offers such delicacies as
country hash and pork brains.
Ferguson's uniqueness,
though, is not the food, but its
steadfastness. The restaurant
is, and has been for several
decades, located at 3171
Summer A venue. The sign
out front. Its real. The swivel
stools at the counter. Real.
Stepping into Ferguson's is
like stepping into the 19.SO's,
an era of innocent confusion.
Lunch may have been dinner,
but it wasn't because of some
modern liberal mambo jambo.
The
Barksdale
Restaurant, located on Cooper
near Peabody, offers much of
the same menu found at
Ferguson's.
The main
difference is the atmosphere.
Where Ferguson's is stylized,
the Barksdale is plain and
simple. Unless, of course,
you consider the celebrity
portraits that line the walls.
Some are well known and
some are, well, obscure. Once
again, however, the hand of
the wicked liberal is present.
Professional wrestlers and
athletes share the wall of fame
with country singers and soap
stars, in a confusing
intermingling of society's has
beens, never beens, and once
weres with the who's hot.
What better place for this
confusion to happen than a
restaurant which probably
serves dinner when they should
be serving lunch. Don't fret.
Just grab a biscuit and enjoy
your breakfast. No one is
trying to call it what it isn't.
Yet.
HOMEWARD BOUND
r
Guard against
SEA 'SICKNESS
l\10THERSILL'S
INVALUABLE,
SEA- SICK
IT
REMEDY
POSITIVELY
IS
PREVENTS
0
... about '~~iskey?
&.
cuRES' · SEA~ AIR. &:
TRAIN
SICKNESS
�
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Type
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Newspaper
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The Rat's Ass, August 27, 1993, Volume 02, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspaper, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1993 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's Ass dates from August 27, 1993. A headline reads "Exclusive Back-to-school Issue!" Clay Combs writes about farts and honesty. Excerpts from President James Daughdrill's "Report to the Board of Trustees" are published alongside a response by Mike Augspurger. Brian Dixon and Charles Schafer fill the back page with opinion pieces. This is the first full-sized issue in the collection with four 8.5" x 11" pages.
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Clay Combs, Mike Augspurger, Brain Dixon, Charles Schafer, James Daughdrill, Pat Garrett, Julie Meiman, Ruthie Stevenson
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Dlynx
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/800a52c4d59e63477c7a0c445099d2a8.pdf
e2a2f8f77cf52e7bab959b20e048f8f5
PDF Text
Text
· 1
as~
WHAT'S GOIN' DOWN
WITH
RHODES
PLAYPEN, EST. 1848
by martin fox (with
Stay
Jovi~I)
I The door swung open.
Promptly it shut once more.
111is of course, had nothing to
do with what was at hand.
What was at hand was a matter
of you noticing this peice of
paper and reading this far.
Which of course was
the introduction to what is now
at hand. (That of course being
this peice of paper. You picked
it up for whatever reason, saw
that it was called the "Rat's
ASs", perhaps you were
curious. It doesn't really
matter).
What really matters is
a matter not merely of matter,
but a matter of anti-matter.
That is, we wish not to discuss
some tangible matter per se,
but a matter of what is SAID
about certain forms of matter. .
.namely human beings and
institutions of so-called higher
learning.
.
~
be wammg them of.
The ~
authorities organized some PR J
campaigns, and appointed a
sub-commitee to study the problem.
After a few years,
.someone suggested that they
talk to the keeper of the
lighthouse, and took the proper
steps to register for a
consultation with him. The
keeper was suprised by a
visitor, but quickly resumed
studying the intricate patterns
created when toys are being
examined by the distortions of
lens and mmors.
He
occassionly jotted down notes
of impressions seen, dressing
them with empathy and
' motivation. The man from the
sub-committee waited around
for a number of minutes before
he cleared his throat, and began
asking, in a tenative and
officious manner, about the
wrecks that had occured.
How
allegory: There was a lighthouse keeper who built a
protective tower, but grew tired
of building and didn't put in a
light.
Perhaps he became
overly engrossed in his
collections of hand-crafted toys
and
obscure
optical
For whatever
instruments.
reason, a light was never
installed, and a fair number of
ships crashed onto whatever
the lighthouse was supposed to
"Oh, the ships. Yes, I
thought I heard a bit of timber
collapsing, somewhat masking
th~ screams.
I didn't really
think much of it. l think I read
somewhere that seafruing is
sort of a risky business.
Excuse me though, I wa<> bu~y
researching."
The
sub-committee
representative didn't really
k~ow how to respond, so
di~'t.
He'd done his
~s!~ment
by
officially
v~sttmg, and wanted to get to
his plastic home early.
The autho1ities put the
statement on file. Since this
file was protected from those
who might misuse it, only l
person had access to it. For
extra security, this person was
locked in a padded cell and not
allowed contact with t11e
outside world.
A feature story in the
next issue of TI1e People's
Voice spoke of the auth01ities'
successes in the campaign to
make the island's coasts safor.
That, in the rnost
succinct of nutshells, is exactly
the matter at hand. One must
simply look about at the gothic
buildings, the smiling happy
students, the real sense of
COMMUNITY and FAMILY
here at Rhodes College in
order to confirm the utter
and veracity of this
The Rat's Ass is an open forum
for rhodes college students to unkink
their dreadlocks, unthink their buttocks
and get things off their chests. All
'
opinions expressed herein are strictly
those o~ th~ thieauthor, so don't slam us (or me, at
least) with hbel suits. All submissions
will eventually be published. Or
something.
�PERHAPS YOU 'VE
PASSIONATELY GENERIC .
l O TICED THE FRESHMAN
LASS .
WITH A LIMITED
PERHAPS YOU
IAVEN ' T .
APPLICANT POOL, THE
THEY BLEND IN
"DIVERSITY" OF THE CLASS OF,_... .
' ERY WELL, TOO WELL FOR.
HIS RHODENT'S TASTES .
IT'S
IOT EVEN SO MUCH THAT THEY
l ESEMBLE THE SOPHOMORES,
JUNIORS, AND SENIORS, IT'S
I HAT THEY RESEMBLE EACH
To A STRIKING
J THER .
l EGREE .
·~AKES
ALL THIS SIMILARITY
ME VERY NERVOUS .
AcTUALL Y, RHooEs
: HANGED THEIR ADMISSIONS
'"' OLICIES THIS YEAR .
THIS IS
r HE FIRST YEAR THAT
!\OMISSION TO THE COLLEGE
'99 IS ASTONISHINGLY LOW
(SURPRISE, SURPRISE, NO
ONE SAID RHODES WAS KNOWN
FOR ITS DIVERSITY) .
STUDENTS WHO THINK, DRESS,
AND TALK ALIKE .
M EANING THAT ADMISSIONS
M UMMY AND DADDY MAKE
B EFORE THEY DECIDE IF BABY
C AN COME .
THIS PRACTICE
U SED TO BE AGAINST THE LAW
( IT SOUNDS LIKE A FORM OF
DISCRIMINATION) BUT THE LAW
C HANGED, AND NOW IT'S A
PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE
BEHAVIOR, LEGALLY SPEAKING .
THE PROBLEM IS THE
A PPLICANT POOL GETS
S MALLER . THEY CAN TELL US
ALL THEY WANT TO THAT
F INANCES REALLY DON'T
MATTER IN CONSIDERING A
S TUDENT FOR ACCEPTANCE,
B UT IF YOU BELIEVE THAT,
YOU PROBABLY DESERVE A
RHODES DIPLOMA .
AND l'LL
L EAVE YOU TO PONDER THE
RESULTS OF A SHRINKING
APPLICANT POOL (THINK OF
DARWINISM, GENE POOLS) .
fHE STUDENT BODY IS
C HANGING, AN EXPANSION OF
T HE CAMPUS'S COMFORTABLE
PASSITIVITY, A DISCERNIBLE
S HIFT TOWARD THE
THEY MAY BE TAKING
ALL THE MONEY THAT COMES
l'M
INTO THE SCHOOL (ANO THAT'S
BEGINNING TO SUSPECT A
PLOT
QUITE A LOT) AND BUILDING A
TO FURTHER INCREASE
BETTER, LESS IRRITATING
HOMOGENEITY ON CAMPUS.
CLASS GUARANTEED TO
AND I'M GETTING
PROMOTE A SANITIZED, SAFE
UNCOMFORTABLE .
' IAS BEEN NON-NEED-BLIND .
0 ETS TO SEE HOW MUCH
WAS IT
GREAT MINDS THAT THINK
ALIKE, OR SMALL ONES?
IMAGE OF RHODES .
IT COULD BE A
LIFE!
SOMETHING INCUBATING IN
ALWAYS LAUGHS AT THE
FOR YEARS (WHICH WOULD
VIEWBOOK .
EXPLAIN THE DEPARTMENT'S
NOTICED THOSE PICTURES
RHODES GROW IN STATURE AS
LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY
I
ACCURATE .
WE MUST STOP THESE
ARTS COLLEGE IN THE SOUTH .
EXPERIMENTS, STORM
AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE
FRAZIER-.JELKE AND DISCOVER
WORKING IN THE BIOLOGY
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON IN
DEPARTMENT REPORTS, "IT'S
THAT UNDERGROUND SCIENCE
POSSIBLE, THERE'S
CENTER, FINO THE WILD SEEDS
STOREROOMS THAT YOU JUST
IN THE CLASS OF
CAN'T GO INTO, UNLESS
AND KAREN
"MACKIN MAMACITA" HUEZO,
BIOLOGY MAJOR, SAID
"CLONING IS ENTIRELY
You KNOW,
RHODES IS ONE OF
I 7
UNDERGRADUATE SCHOOLS
'99 AND
PLANT THEM WHERE THEY'LL
YOU'RE SOMEONE REALLY
POSSIBLE .
AND WALKING
AROUND CAMPUS TODAY, I
GENEROUS BUDGET) TO HELP
SPECIAL .
THE ONLY PROBLEM
WITH THAT IS, EVERYONE
THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT
MBA-ORIENTATED LIBERAL
THEY'RE
BRINGING THE VIEWBOOK TO
CLONING EXPERIMENT,
THE MOST CONSERVATIVE,
Ul
Q)
c
GROW (HOPEFULLY AWAY FROM
THE RAT).
BEFORE THE
POWERS IN HALLIBURTON
TOWER START EXPERIMENTING
ON CURRENT STUDENTS,
ALTERING OUR MINOS TO MAKE
US FIT, TOO .
THAT OFFERS A COURSE ON
MONOCLONAL ANTIBODIES, SO
IT WOULDN'T BE A LONG JUMP
FROM THERE TO THINK THEY
WERE CLONING STUDENTS
TOO ."
~
~
~
•'-'
.JUST A
400
GLANCE REVEALS
Here is a user-friendly guide to
the Rhodes campus for all the new
faces, and for those of you who
successfully used the summer to
black out all memories of our fine
campus .
Rhodes is an exotic place, full of
strange people, mysterious secret
passages , and a history that would
make Edgar Allen Poe horny .
Palmer Hall, that stately building
with the tower, was buiilt on a
Cigarette machines, candles.
Confederate graveyard. And on a
incense, loud parties, and condom
certain exterior wall of the New in the future.
machines are extinct.
Robinson dorm complex, a
friendly hrown s4uirrels . white male
de mented stone mason stuck a
For a list of things so common
administrators , hlack groundskeepers ,
bas-relief head instead of a stone.
you migh_ not even notice them,
t
housekeepers , and cafeteria workers
Rhodes is populated with ghosts.
see Chris Brown's Welcome to
\)v.-S':< ~~
Ask one of the theater people
JD 's P lantatio11.
- unpleasant experiences in the ti
3 . office.
about McCoy's tale of horror, or
L- '- ""'~ ,t<......_"ehi
find your way through the attic of
- Asking yourself "whv classes have
Glassell to a hidden cubby hole
25 SIUd' ,, ·
with one student's final message of
· · en ..~ lllstcad o r
_
for incoming freshman .
- Greek Letters
despair scribbled on the wall. Girls
in Bellingrath have been known to
- very few parking places
~
wake up feeling the presence of
someone in their bed.
- " Rush Is Right" humpcr stickers i::: w
...... 2:!
But as interesting a place as
~b~
When I came in as a transfer student two
>- ~....;
- A lihrary with very few hooks
Rhodes is, there are certain things
0 "fili
years ago, I felt after going through the
-o ·a:;
that you won't see very often . We
o~
elementary-like orientation , which was
..c:._.
would like to call your attention to
~ llJ
llJ ..c:
supposed to "introduce" me to the college,
all of Rhodes' endangered species ,
-..c:
didn ' t live up to its well intended purpose.
Have Fun
"[~;
because if you see one of these on
iThinking hack on my orientation
and Gain
our fine campus, you better take a
experience, the deficiency I found with it
picture for posterity's sake.
was that it wasn ' t from a student's
pcrs pccti ve.
•minority faculty
•Jewish faculty
To correct this prohlcm , I have com piled a
• minority administrators
list of phenomena which any student comes
across in her/his experience al Rhodes
•women administrators
College . Also , you should sec Ross ~4:
• humpbacked whales
Gohlikc' s Endanxerecl Sp ecies List for a ~ · ~
ulty who feel secure
• untenured fac
good list of things you won ' t sec at Rhodes
in their jobs
College.
• homosexuals
~
•white-spotted owls
"¢ ~
• dinosaurs
1ca Cl
- Every month, a strange man enters tJlC rat
• people who use public
~~
trying to sell long distance for AT & T.
transportation
• supporters of school sports
- The wrong last name on the doors of professors'.
ER: No, the ph rase "eternal torment"
teams
does not appear in the Bible.
· See for Yourself •.. Make Your Own Decision
AND HEY, BOOM-BOOM'S NOT
HERE.
BooM?
WHE~E's BooM-
~
~
~
~,
'-i;>
.'4 '.":_rj
~
:3'
s:::! ,
.....,.
V'.l '
~
.......
-.
~··
t:::r
V"_l
1~ ~ ~ ~
Popul~ty!'}:~ j
~
j Fs
~t.~·~
.
,S
- Doesn't the Bib\e speak of
"etema\ tonnent"1
�W~"'tC..."' ~
@,, D..-. ""-CA
Th Felt- ()()y 7
I
The dark smelltender made
use of his unusually wise-looking eyes
(which any smelltender worth his salt
gains after night-in, night-out of
listening to memory-dazed smelljunkies spilling their lives to an
attl•ntive man across the counter - - the
man whose presence becomes somehow
ll•ss a part of the now and more a part
of that world which is . . . well, I'll
call it the Smellfunk.
He is a
confidant and a lover to lost souls who
take their haven in the immediacy of
the magic smell-o-ramas.) to glisten
across the bar at a young businessman,
still fresh from work in a sensible dark
suit and optically enhanced neckpiece. The man had a look on his face
which told the smelltender volumes
about the man's situation and his
thoughts. His job. ft was almost
always their job, the suits, that is. At
first, he was living in a dream,
l'CStatic at the ease with which he
opened the world before him and
stepped into a powerful position with
a powerful company. Oh, could he
play the game. The dark smelltende~
glistened across the bar, amused with
his psychoanalysis. He constructed a
that
was
not
wholly
grin
unbenevolent, and gently yet clearly
formed the words, "Pick your poison."
The
young
businessman
shuffled uncomfortably on the stool,
utterly conscious of the tag on the back
of his brand-naml' undl•rwt•ar and the
comml·nls he was sure to receive from
his wifr when she saw that he had
hl'l'll at the smell-o-rama for the third
lime this Wl'l'k. You sec, she always
k1ww. The smclltender noticed the
man's discomfort and set him at ease
with a heart-wrenching smile of
• kind1wss, then boomed, wholly too
loud considering the small distance
Lwtween the two, "Come on, boy, spit it
out."
"Early eighties, please.
want booming business. I want cocaine.
I want conservatism. Dammit, l want
Ronald
Reagan!"
The young
businessman had blurted the words
before he considered what the
-
smelltender might think. He had been led by
an amazing feeling of anticipation which the
.:> melltender was so fond of producing in his 1
customers (not without the aid of a small dab
of Eau d' Anticipation that he occasionally
dripped throughout the bar and sometimes just
outside the bar on windless days), to a state of
mind which made him completely forget his ..J-.,.-ll'±!:iictl~
position in every realm of his life and others,
that is, except that tag on his underwear and
the fact that he wanted more than anything
in life or death to enter Smellfunk, and to do it r.lll~lll
NOW.
The smelltcnder was in motion before
the man had finished speaking. He had
turned around to face row after row of
colorfully labeled and packaged bottles (the
creative marketing of which the businessman
would usually have mentally commented
upon, but not just now) and bent down to open a
Plumbing
USED CONDOMS Hundreds of
styles, colors, nb configs etc. Some
used only once. Convenient E Colfax
location.
by S.Joviall
" Help' "
wife cries to husband
--·
" I' ve dropped my small liberal arts college ~ BORED cou..hEGNE ~ 1~'u524 Hours
W
T o M eec You Rig t ow. a
d own the sink while washing my hands."
anc
""'~ 1
husband ambles in
/
~
fetches monkey wrench
)
'
crouches beneath the smk
/
empties the contents of the pipe:
) l4 '
"()
a 1975 nickle
a hairpin
17 antelope skulls
and a great sleepy black bear
"' )1.,,,1"J
J
the bear rubs his eyes
awakened from a long winter's nap,
sez "If you are looking for the
small liberal arts college,
you ' re too late, I'm afraid
..,.
it is already deep within the bowels of the plumbing. __
.>• i
~ ~- ·
R......,ToOonge
Emergency Lining •
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, August 23, 1995, Volume 04, Issue 01
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1995 Summer
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from August 23, 1995. On the front page Martin Fox and Stay Joviall discuss the matter of anti-matter. Ross Gohlke creates a user-friendly guide to Rhodes College. Chris Brown tells us his experience of being a transfer student. On the last page Stay Joviall calls for help!
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Martin Fox, Stay Jovial, Ross Gohlke, Chris Brown, Dave Sears, Laurie Sansbury
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/d41de7917e1cd6d525e487fba858c6a0.pdf
024707b13b9fe9daf73b8cdf49779121
PDF Text
Text
s
ASS STRENGTH
There's No Going to
Town in Bathtub, or,
How to Endlessly
Enjoy the Fracture of
Narrative.
b~ 1'\1'rtin
'FcJ(
~
Tomorrow's leaders
Edward Gorey's
phantasmagoria
consists of parodies of
Victorian children's
literature, adopting a
darker version of
Lewis Carroll's antididactic strategies.
His The Raging Tide:
or, the Black Doll's_
Imbroglio uses the
form of Choose-YourOwn-Adven ture children's novels in
which -the reader is
pn:~sented with a
degree of control in
linking passages
together through
directed pageturning.
1 one sciens
tific answer to that idiotic Freudian
mumbo jumbo .
are busy tonight
The form of
the text, then, is
potentially different
with every reading.
Each page consists of
a sentence _
ac-companied by two choices_
_and page-ilirectives
a._11d a drawing
illustrating the
action. Thus, if you
find Hooglyboo's
cramming Eighash
inside a vase elev€!",
you are instructed to
turn to 11,
continuing the
narrative. If, on the
other hand, all this
seems too terrible to
contemplite, you
turn to page 29,
send.ing_everyone
joyously to an early
grave and ending the
story. In some
readings, two to four
T·N·T
,,_ p 0 PC 0 RN
of the protagonists
will assault one
another with
domestic objects until
the end, with possible
excursions to the
Dogear Wryde
Topiary Gardens or to
illuminatory passages
on turnips and
prunes.
The control, in
the forms that Gorey
satirizes~ however, is
somewhat illusory,
an4.as_ is traditional
in children's literature, is designed to
impose codes of
''common'' sense._ and
morality ,-as death of
the reader (the ending of the narrative)
can result from
choices deemed
"wrong'~ by the
author. Gorey
subverts this by foregrounding the
manipulativness of
the genr.e and
pointing towards the
implicit codes-of
morality in the
choices offered. One
act of attempted
senseless violell€e
leads to another, with
little s€Ilse of order
other than_that
Linposed by the
reader's choices. The
implication, then, is
that such · systems are
arbitrary and
therefore without
--~ ,....,
.-
....... :
·-
,....
THE ENEMY
NOW
IF EUROPE AND ASIA1·
.
WERE LOST
-,
.
TOTAL POPULATION is ~O\\'. r.oushly h~·o to one in our fav or.
'°i
.
�·~
,.
.
~
...............
..
. ,,,,.,..-~ ,,,... /I
,
·" j
• / ,-/
/.,,..,
·
·· ·
· h Ross Gohlk_ ":
e
An Interview ~ft
./7 .., -·-r , ~ ..
-.-,,
.
-.
/7
.
~~
•
...,·.:;·~·
l<
Well, another school year
is underway, and you're a
senior, right?
R: Right.
r: I should mention that I'm
not conducting this
) interview because I
•. ·?:; personally find you very
D:a..: interesting, but you are a , ,.
-~ pretty visible person on .
1.,,. campus this year, not
-;' necessarily visuallyR: I live off campus, but I hav
a meal ticket.
r: What I mean is that
because of some of the
things you're involved in
this year at Rhodes our
readers might like to know
a bit more about you.
R: You have readers? ·
r: I know you are a
sometimes contributor to
the Rat's Ass. What are
some of your worthwhile · · -~ :i.
extracurricular activities? -~ '¥
R.: Actually I'm about the only _-:-'
· J.
good thing the Rat's Ass
·~!l\'
,:::has going for it this year,
.
..
but don't print that. I'm
,/
also an officer in the Wool '
Socks, Rhodes' only
/ _!!:::'~ ' ·
d
double barbershop quartet. r _ .
')
Maybe not for long. There ~
is a group of about 20 or
so young women forming
a group called the Silk
Stockings.
Obviously derivative and
doomed to failure with a
name like that.
What's wrong with being
derivative? Do you think
thatyour group is original? _ _ __,
Don't get me started on
the epistemelogical
problem of mimesis. I'm in
Contemporary Continental .
- - - ··
·- -·
IVER
.
~~
-·"'.'
1 ~~~~~o~;~:iEngiisli
concurrently.
Then you don't use big .
words that you don't
know the meaning of
yourself.
R: How do you know I
don't know?
Have you noticed how
often the word "you"
has come up in this
interview so far?
You started it.
Isn't this interview just
a weak excuse to force
your megalomaniac
over-self-important ~elf
onto the freshmen and
other unsuspecting
members of the Rhodes
community?
Actually, I was.going to
ask you the same
question. Incidentally
the Wool Socks are '
l~oking for gig_ _ any
s of
kmd. So while we're on
the subject, if anyone in.
your imaginary
.
audience has a' need for W"i -.
an over-talented, underworked double "
barbershop quartet,
they can send DECMail
to GOHSR. , ,;
The Rat's Ass does not
participate in· such
blatant displays of selfpro~~tion ~q free 2;:3· ::..gfift:ibtftV~
publicity.
COSMO TRON .. . 0
Your idealism would be .
~--~
admirable except that I r-~.
happen to know that
J;,r
you don't have anything ~. 7'
else to print this week. :':.i '
How do you know that? '.!"'
t :·
'
-
C~OS~l':IG i~ one ta~t~cal military_situation ~nto whi~h_an
·g;.• •k·
-.m~~~r ~-.;.
....
~r
~ACID
YOUNG ~~~~hi~~PERSONf~ ELECTRODE
Christina Huntington
0~~#
1)~.,..u.
Last Saturday morning, a strange thing
riappened. At about 1 I :20 that
morning, m toes slithered from under
v
.....-=,...... the covers to make their f1 rst contact
~-111 of the day with the little piece of
carpet by m bed. I was immediately
y
alarmed bv the sharp crunch I felt.
which brought to mind tt1e
haH-squished roach I had seen on tne
bathroom tile the night before. When I
drew m foot back , however. I didn't
v
ifind a six- legged v1sitor , but a small
\greenish fragment of something,
mavbe a shell. I kicked it out of the
way, figuring it was easier to let it.
bioCJegrade in some corner than to
actually pick it up When I walked
over to my sink , I pinched my fool
again , and this time bothered to study
what this annaying little thing was. It
turned out to be a piece of acorn. Later
I found another fragment lodaed in the
inch-thick sole of mv shoe like the last
kid hiding in a game of hide and seek. 1
Just left it there.
Three years ago, during my first
semester at Rhodes, I spent about 45
minutes of one wonderfully chilly dav
sitting outside with too little clothing
on. I was waitng for a friend with
whom I have long since lost contact.
but at the time we were close and he
was rn town. We had set a time for him
lto pick me up, but he was chronically
late, and even though I knew this. I
kept expecting him to drive up the next
minute. so I stood outside Bellinorath
in mv skirt and t-shirt inst~ of
running inside for a jacket. It would
only be a few more minutes, I kept
telling myself as my fingernails grew
steadily bluer. If I went back to m
y
room for even a minute, my friend
might drive up and, not seeing me
there, think he was in the wrong place
and leave. Besides, it was startino to
feel good out there. Something about.
that kind of cold can clear the mind,
m
ake you especially aware of
·38nsations, make you realize that you
are, in fact , alive. The air had that
fresh smell you notice in the fall , but
of radioact_ve onlv when vou first wal ~ outsidP """rl
i
would be dropped intcf the river, throwing out rolling mists
enemy cou_d spray which would destroY'·irtually all life within the mile circle sh own above.
l
!\o wonder th e;;e weddings are
more of a fa rce t han a reality and
n ever last.
Your picture of Janet Leigh and
Jerry Lewis is the mo;;t horrible, vulgar picture I h ave eYer seen in any
111agazine.
Least Favorite Pupil
rr s,..,,...,,ll)
it m
ade the shadows sharoer and
deeper. I think the thrnQ I noticed m
ost
that dav was that each time the wind
blew , it wouM ram dull orown acorns
They crackled against the pavement,
pricking m ears with their sound and
y
sometimes knocking agamst my head on
the wav down. It was as if it were
sleetina. I told m friend about it
v
when h-e finally got there. and he said
that the sairrels had probably been
throwing acorns at me. I thought he
was a little paranoid.
That little acorn fragm in my shoe
ent
told me som
ething. A week I've been
ll
noticing that they've started falling
aoain. I went home toc:tav , and when I
walked up m driveway' they were
y
crunching underfoot. The birds aren't
smging at night anymore. Pretty soon
the beetles will be crawling in to die.
Last vear , the Voorhies stairwell was
littered with little half-alive beetles.
They would crawl around for a little
while then just give up and sit there,
even if you poked at them. I eventually
gave up trying to make them keep
moving. It was fall, their time to die
So, what is my point in talking about
all of this? I guess it has som
ething to
do with the idea that som
etimes, small
things speak with more authourity
than one would expect. E though the
ven
heat is still beating the hell out of me
these days, I'm looking for those little
details that hold the promise of fall .
Looking out over the playground,
she thinks, He's been a bad boy again.
one cup flour
I w
as so cl ose .
two eggs
He deserves to be punished, again .
one cup mil k
So close.
one tsp. vanilla extract
Your cover of Janet Leigh is utterI should call his father.
ly disgusting.
one cup sugar
She might call Dad .
a pinch of sal t
But his father is never home .
preheat oven 350 °
But Dad is never heme.
..
_..
\,
FANTASTIC WEAPONS
StaffB~
D. Ghosh
R. Gohlke
J. Oliphant
C. Huntington
M. Fox
J. Stovall
C. Schafer
My blo od pressu re hasn't returned
t n n;1nn;i\ ..: i11r1•
~('Pill~ J a ne1 LPi!!h's
Bengali Bruiser
Cogent Boy Wonder
Barney's Bane
Sangria Christy
Vulpine News Hound
Muscular Dystopia
Sans Cerebrum
W
aterproof Plug
Automotive Plug
�Movie Review
A couple of weeks ago i went to see a
:1ellow drama at the orpheum. It was
hat movie, umm, easy rider, and i
bsolutely hated it. It was funny,
nough. I liked natural born killers.
Restaurants of Midtown
I had better not name this restaurant
•
ecause i fear lawsuits like the plague.
\nyway, it is in midtown, i was there
he other day, and i saw a roach. It was
·ery very disgusting. I will say,
hough, that the food was good. Quite
ood.
Memphis Night Life
Pool is fun and there are some good
estaurants. Reading is fun but you can
o that in any town or city. Or rural
rea.
The People
It's like anywhere, i guess; some
oeople are nice, some are pretty mean.
m pretty normal so i don't have to
lke a lot of sh-t.
Other Things
I for one am having great difficulty
·ying to find good criteria that
istinguish art and science from each
ther. I feel that art probably means a
rocess we don't understand because it
; so complex or is obscured by blights
f ignorance in the fabric of our
:iphisticated but certainly not
ltimately sophisticated conceptual
:ameworks. So really I think that
oing art and doing science are the
ame except that in one case it's much
1ore obvious to us what we're doing. I
ould go on and on about this until i
1aybe made some sense but i won't.
Why
And i'll tell you why i won't. It's
ecause i'm apathetic and my powers of
oncentration are laughable. I'm
ctually laughing right now. And i
lame mtv for my laughter, even
Jough watching it never makes me
i ugh. I honestly don't mean to sound
itter. Probably just too much coffee.
:spresso, even. I'm always into the
1test fad.
Religion
I love to talk, read and think about
iat phenomenon people have· named
religion." Religious people can be so
1otivated! Much more so than you
nd/or i probably usually are.
>readfully horribly bad, though, can be
lJ
z
0
Vl
.....J
j)
Vl
~
~
religion for the sense of humor. I think:I
being cynical and probably also quite I-flippant is the true mark of a person
with a healthy(not as in "health" but as
in "definitely there in a menacingly
flourishing way") sense of humor.
Because and i know this is obvious
there are just so many more things and bigger, more important things that the cynical and flippant person is
having humor over.
Well
Well, i need to go. I enjoyed talking
to you.
_/\
lIST BI<:FOIU: l'LA Y BEGAN IN THE ANNllAL NATION
·11a4 1uawa8U!JJU! 148pi\do:> 01 no,\ a:iua1uas
01 'Al!Unwwo:> :>!lS!lnwnof aq1 JO aA!ln1uas;udaJ n sn •amsea1d
.\w S! 1! pun a1doad i\148nnu ,\JaA 'A.laA 11n aJn OOA 'UO!lCWJOJU!
148p,(do:> a1nµd0Jddn a41 8U!POPU! 10041!M ;}JOP!d '!OOqJtl;}A
a1dwes n paqsnqnd 'aS!MJa410 Jo i\puauaApt?u! •seq ssv s,lt?M
··~ ~ • ·
_,, .,
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, , ...... ,,, , ... ,,n (,, ,
f"\ i
'°'lffff"\""\
( 111 1 ""\""\'""l l
1, ' 011
,
11
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 18, 1997, Volume 05, Issue 06
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1997 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 18, 1997. This issue of the Rat's Ass is the goodbye to seniors addition. On the front page Jhay Witherspoon says goodbye and how the "universe is as universe does." Stay Joviall gives us a list of Emotivity Nuggets. On the last page Chavez and Rebecca Anderson give us a recipe for Discursive Ontology.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Jhay Witherspoon, Stay Joviall, Chavez, Rebecca Anderson
Source
A related resource from which the described resource is derived
Dlynx
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
Rights
Information about rights held in and over the resource
Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
PDF
The Rat's Ass
-
http://archives.rhodes.edu/files/original/8f88801052032e4de3ce2c20a0834fb0.pdf
6df61a952a4780e852fe81d8746a01e3
PDF Text
Text
I I
I
_f
'
-
1-I
'~
•·v
:
'•
Ji·
-
I
lt'S
mm
'-
-
-
;
'
di
;: ~
~
-
'1I c"
\
•I,
~
\an
l\lly l:la\kU
Cephalization
lnside -your mind \urks
lhc \abyrinlh coral caves
eX\)\ore the dcvine
·1> )1 •' ~~ raph ic ;1I
1
/II)
·
.tvlany schismatic
seizures and a juicy pile
..........._~ ol shcnarnµ..11 1..
:
.
up 111 hv reci pe
how mcm1 vc ni cn f
�Can't Get No 'Trane:
~
t.~;~ ...~
~~
..
' 'I
.
~-
Staph Bachs
Stay Joviall
Super-retro-d'ir
Xaft Minor
David Sears
Styx
Jay Witherfunk
"I
didn't
by
Jay
come
A Moment in the Life.
Li Po
no
monkey I "
Witherfunk
do·:
.. :
{
~ So~'ione
once said that _
the world
~J.11 al~Ji.¥~: have more dumb ~Jople~ t.han
"'Bmart,,~~P.,~~, but I say that the smart
peop~')tf~l eventually fig4re o~~ a . ~ay to
mak~~~~k dumb people's ignorance .
irrelevant.
So you, and you know who you are,
didn't come from a monkey. That's fine
and good. So the world is only ten
thousand yfi!a,~\l\~t9'l.d. ~ Whatever you say.
Scientis\~are bias~d because if the good
people o~ the world ·~new that the history
of the earth was incapsulated in one book
(THE Book)/·~h~f.1 .they [the sci entists]
would go out of business. You know, 't" , ..
that's quite insightful.
I believe you .
I am not mocking
you.
I am ser ious. But could you .,
·"please
just step into this box her e? It na~ been
engineered by scientist s who are
' -.,..:
completely un~u:r;-e . Qf, ¥hat the hell they
are doing. ¥Aft(~.~iitf.I· to put you in it and
shoot you into space, · ~~t you will
probably be all . .r.~~N: ~ ,Qecause you will
eventually hit £he e~ge of t he universe
where God will catch ' you in a big, wellwor n baseball mi tt. Whoosh. I aill not
mocking you.
I
. " --
u~-
I
.
Perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next
day, someone wi ll show you, p e r haps
someday you'll see with cleaner eyes .
~~
//(/
..."\QT
"Couldn't believe that shit! All those energy
locusts and perp fiends, man..... kk-razy."
Pepe pushed the wire brush in and out of the
barrel of his revolver with contemplative playfulness,
his mouth bunched up to one comer, his eyes
squinty. I lighted a cigarette and studied him
as he cleaned his gun. His tie was loose, twisted
slightly to one side. His dredlocks were pulled
back in a tight pony-tail.
I yawned, took a drag. "The frequencies
were all wrong. If those retro-matrices hadn't
opened on the slipback we could've gotten
: an anti-matter fix and regulated the relocation units."
I finger the remote control for a moment. Miles
was homing the first few bars of hotel from that
French film's soundtrack, so I turned it up.
Pepe shook his head violently. "Fuck that
shit! Naw! Fuck it! rm sick and tired of pulling for
the slack of all them clean-genes. Fuck them!" He
. jerked his wrist and the cylinder hopped into place.
He spun it and pointed at an imaginary target in
,, the distance. "P-kow. Dead."
Those to whom I am directing this
article wilk~·prol-.u~bly not read it. Even
i f they
they 'wlil not be easily
· s\'f~Ye~ • .
..
.
·(·1·.i~'\Ai
.
by stay joviall
Allen Ginsburg
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
e.e. cummings
Edgar Allen Poe
Langston Hughes
from
\
e
't;:;~ ~
-
','' 7
~{ -,
~
'"
I shrugged and changed the topic. "Sensei
~
told me at last Tuesday's Groovitation that
McAlester is getting in two shipments next
Thursday. Bill told me--"
Pepe stood up and cut me off. "Yeh. Coo.
Has Susan given you those C'rravity Innublation seeds?"
He tossed the revolver on the love..seat. '.'That chick
been puttin me off for weeks. ({~ don't get the
seeds soon, we won't be able to harvest in time for
the Holocaust Jam this summer!" He walked to the
window and peeped out the blinds.
I snuffed out my cigarette and shrugged. "Dan
said we couldn't do it anyway. The pH of the Temporal
Agitaion Growing medium we've got just won't cut it."
I rubbed my beard and laughed. "That's okay though ...
I saw this cat last spring give a lecture on this crazy
shit called sideshadowing. It makes a lot more sense now. 11
Pepe turned, and a smile like Voodoo bile crept
up on his lean blackb~autiful face. "Don't tell Jennifer. 11
�The Rat's Ass is yo' mama N
.
Hello. I know your ev
. on-recursive dualities re ur .
.
complaints about come;k~~ve. The Rat's Ass does n~ a~rt~te _rn a '90s sort of way
Ass production. All opinio s. Co~plaints generally distur:t~crate ~x~essive leaka~e, or
ns are mine, and not your's. Avoid t~ equlrbnum nessecary for Fi
e gray material.
Neo-Gcntific Outervicw #495
Sub-species Dogmatogram, Ty1»e A
,. Slarting Point: The leashes of Hies uneatth tinlinabulalory
moking pints. Have you seen the off switch for the
Lntropy Generation Proto-vims?
#number: Target leavetaking towards wastrel-bingo. Hugenols reify ether.
Lax forlilulc forms fumigation. Let's get out of time.
Below the waste products of retro-inductrializ.ation leave hints of proto-retro-anti
legality. Maybe we should eat psychotropics to help the situation. Good-bye to the days
of dream-reality, hello relativity.
Relative to wastrel-bingo hut hinging on psychotropic perspectivism.
Findings: Availability aids in production
2
�
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Type
The nature or genre of the resource
Newspaper
Title
A name given to the resource
The Rat's Ass, April 12, 1996, Volume 04, Issue 24
Subject
The topic of the resource
Newspapers, Publications, Satires, Zines, 1996 Spring
Description
An account of the resource
This issue of The Rat's ass dates from April 12, 1996. This issue of the Rat's Ass has a Haiku about our minds. Jhay Witherspoon writes an article about how he didn't come from a monkey, and yes he's completely serious! Stay Joviall follows up with a moment in his life. On the last page is a study on Sub-species Dogmatogram, Type A.
Creator
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Stay Joviall, Jhay Witherspoon, David Sears, Xaft Minor, Styx
Source
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Dlynx
Publisher
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Memphis, Tenn. : Rhodes College Archives and Special Collections
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Rhodes College owns the rights to the archival digital objects in this collection. Objects are made available for educational use only and may not be used for any non-educational or commercial purpose. Approved educational uses include private research and scholarship, teaching, and student projects. For additional information please contact archives@rhodes.edu. Fees may apply.
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PDF
The Rat's Ass